i pretend i am fine but
i'm still in love

we try running away
when we can't even stand up

she would
crawl in bed
and tell me 
she loved me

but her eyes
were cold
and closed
like the
broken fluorescent
that gave off
blue sparks

she reminded
me of an
abandoned church

what used to be
a place
where so much
happiness and
depression
was tied together
by faith and
hope was
now a
simple reminder
of how even
the place of
seemingly
unfaltering hope
dies 

she was
a false dichotomy
of existence

always present
infinitely absent

and i could
see her
try her
hardest to
make me
feel like
she was
still alive
and trying 

but every 
word she said
was her own
eulogy

they say that everything around us,
all the beautiful things –

the dainty flowers that scatter the earth,
the light of the sun crashing against tall trees,
the mysteries of the depth of the ocean,
the soft hum of the strong wind,
the stars that are so surreal that
I still have a hard time comprehending
how something so magnificent could possibly exist
in the very universe I am in–

are created by one god

but when i look at you,
i just stop and think

****,
a million gods must have made you

there is an anchor attached to my heart and i am trying to get it to come off because it's making my chest feel heavy and painful yet you tell me that this anchor is actually yours and that it is the only thing making me stay with you in this unruly ocean

so i keep the anchor because it gives you comfort and not because it is the only thing keeping me steady

i don't need it to keep me here

you are enough reason to stay

to the first girl i loved;

it still pains me to refer to you as that - the girl i loved first. i feel like so much pain lies in a single phrase; it's such a thing of the past yet there's something so infinite about it

there are so many things i wish i knew from the start like how a simple string of words like the first ones of this letter could hollow me out even more,

like how the pain of you leaving me was so indescribable yet so vivid and striking,

like how love can be so fulfilling yet be so incredibly, indefinitely, and intensely emptying,

like how hard it is to relearn how to sleep, and that when i do learn it, relearn the art of not dreaming about you,

however, i felt like there was something so inevitable about us that it was too obvious to ignore

there is no denying that between two lovers, there will always be one who ends up giving too much, emptying themselves to fill the other, the one who ends up loving more

i knew from the start that i was going to be the one who ended up losing my heart to a girl who wouldn't let me into hers

i'm sorry i expected, i'm sorry i gave you something you never really wanted

__

to you;

i'm sorry that i can't bring myself to reply to your letters

it's not that i'm selfish or that i'm ignoring you; i just don't want to inflict you more pain when pain was all i ever gave to you

it is true, i guess, that you loved me more but i'm sorry you're left with that mindset. i wish i could tell you that one day, you'd find your equilibrium and that i'm sorry it wasn't me.

my repeated words
and i am sorrys
may bother you

but know that
every apology
comes with a
silent i love you

so i am
sorry for
showing
the demons
i hid

i am sorry
for the
flowers
i let rot

I am sorry
for not telling
you i love you
when you needed it

and I am sorry
for not holding
your hand
when you were
in the dark

I am sorry
for watching
the stars glow
instead of
watching you
dim your lights

but mostly,
i am sorry
for making
you believe
that my
love had
it's dues

she was not just a girl

she was a girl beyond words, beyond understanding

someone who made your heart beat yet made you feel like you have lost your bloodflow and that you are dying

she's a supernova shining brighter than every sun and blinding you with her light that you don't realize that with her next exhale, she would be a blackhole and you would be stuck inside her void

she's your dream slowly turning into the most frightening nightmare

the brightest and warmest day with the coldest and darkest night

she is my home, plagued by ghosts and monsters and i just can't leave because I'm sentimental and she meant the world to me                  

she's the cruel sunlight when you were hoping you would die in your sleep

she's secondhand smoke when you're trying to quit

she's storms, a raging tempest, a calm sunny day with a follow-up of clouds and gloomy days

she's passion and pain and glory and sacrifice and everything painful in your chest    

and she's the fear of letting go but slowly losing your grip

I N H A L E:
she was life
and i felt her
everywhere

from the thump
of my heart
to the howl
of the haunting
wind and the
whispers of the
mother ocean

breathe in
her love
fill my
empty lungs

let her soul
course through
my thin veins
and let her
name become
my heart beat

E X H A L E:
and when i
shut my eyes
you were gone

filled to the brim
now ****** into
a gaping void

you single-handedly
painted my
nightmares with
the clawing presence
of your growing
absence

you took
my little lungs
the very ones
you breathe
life into

and the
promises you
engraved into
my ribs tangled
with the wind
when you
turned my bones
into ashes

i told my
wind pipes to
try harder to
inhale and breathe
but not even
my will can
bring air back
into them

and the heart
that once pulsated
your name like
a mantra
now cries
for your mercy
and your return

you were life
but you were
also the
death of me

darling, we will
never know
when the
oceans are
gone or when
the stars
are eaten by
the sky    

we might
live to see
another day
or we
might not,
and that is
that                

the path
ahead is
dark and
unknown
but how
will we
ever know

what this
trail holds
if we never
take our step?

my dear,
live your today
like your
tomorrow is
inexistent

do not live
for your
mother's eyes
or by your
father's words

live the way
you dream of      

live as if
you are
an explorer                          
in a new world

take risks
like the sun
will never rise

but hope
as if you
live forever
and have
unmeasurable
chances

this path
is dark      
but never
narrow

dream,
live,
breathe freely
my love

never be
burdened by
tomorrow

never be
blinded
by now

the world
the heaven
the seas
are yours

you are free

make your
days priceless

i am claustrophobic 
and i despise
the feeling of
being embraced 

but right now, 
it's 3 am
and
i long for 
your warmth 

i want to
drown 
my ears 
with the beating
of your steady heart, 
to feel your
arms wrapped 
around my waist 
and your legs 
tangled with mine 

i want to feel
your mouth 
against my head 
with your 
hot breath 
grazing
my messy hair 

and i want 
to feel you 
pressed against me 
like the world is 
about to end 
and that this moment
is all we have 
and that the stars
aligned with us somehow, 

and i just 
want to feel your love 

i want to feel 
that comforting
reassurance 
that you love me 
as much as i love you

a trail of
kisses starting
north on
your eyelids
down your
sullen face

with empty
breaths that
trace my
collarbones
you beg me
to travel
south with
rushed hands
and quick lips

yet i don't
want to rush,
my love

let me
trace my
hands down
the source
of your quivers

let me ****
in the warm
chopped air
you release

allow me
every pleasure
to cherish
the sweetness
of your
pink lips

unleash your
asteroid words
your infinite
galaxies of
nail scratches

in this moment
let me feel
the planets
within you
implode

let me be
the reason,
the epicentre of
your uncontrollable
tremors

release your
stars on me

make a
constellation
in your mind
of the times
i shook
your universe

they asked me
what it was
in you
that i fell
in love with

what made you
the earth
my moon
revolved around

and my mind
started rushing

how do i
capture your
beauty in
a sentence

how do i
explain the
way you
tilt your head
when you laugh
or the way
you kiss when                    
you're sleepy
to people
who are too
mundane
to understand
                            
how do i
begin to
define you

i could say
that you
are the
sunshine
seeping through
my shut curtains
after a night
of a hurricane

i could say
that you
are the
feeling of
the airplane
rising from
the ground
and that you
are the beauty of
watching the clouds
dance with you
as you flew        

being with you
is that
blissful moment
when you
jump off
a swing for
the first time,
oblivious to        
the fact that
you are falling      

you are the
fragment
between awake
and asleep,
that moment
of dreams
beginning

your name
is my
heartbeat
but it is
also the
onomatopoeia
of a heart
breaking beyond
repair

you are
the stars
and you
are the storm
and you are
the calm
sea with                          
all its secrets

you are the
moment of
hesitation,
looking both
ways before
i cross
the street

you are the
buckled
seatbelt

the reason
why i fear
death and
oblivion

you are the
speechlesness    
of a poet,
the girl worth
a thousand words
but is incredibly
undescribable

and i guess
that is why
i can't
define you

because
definitions
are often
a conclusion,
only for
things that
are constant
and unchanging

and you
aren't that

you are
the moon's
unending
phases

the sea's
wild waves
and boundless
horizon

the ever
changing
girl who
remains
perfect

and all the
words in this
world are
never ever
enough to

define

you

when you're driving away from someone at night and you watch them stand from the rear-view mirror, they grow farther and it seems as if the darkness is engulfing their entirety and it just feels like they're fading away

that's what i saw in your eyes

they were dark and deep and you were silent and present yet your eyes, they were bidding farewell as i stared into them

but maybe i'm wrong

maybe i'm not the one driving away and maybe i'm not the one leaving, i don't think i was the one running off

maybe i was the one fading from the view of your mirror and maybe i was the one watching you in your car leave me behind, slowly inching away

ＯＮＥ:
we were so silent
yet the sound of
our shaking hands
and our eager hearts
filled the air like
the noise of
screaming infants

we were so young,
so innocent and
we just wanted
to break the silence

ＴＷＯ:
a year passed,
and the silence
got more comfortable

it was like
a blanket wrapped
around our
icicle arms

and i loved
this form
of quiet

it was the kind
of silence that
did not make
you crave
for sound

in that moment,
i felt deaf of
earthly noise

and all we
wanted was
to stay wrapped
around each
other's silence

ＴＨＲＥＥ:
and i don't know
when the silence
started to become
painful like a
knife with no handle
that I've been
holding on
too tightly

the feeling
spread from
my fingertips
into the nerves
that scattered
my body and
into my chest
which it deemed
permanent residence

and i can't
blame you
because i know
i hurt you too

we couldn't say
anything because
we gave ourselves
two choices:
speak a war
or let our words
die in our tongues

we chose the latter

we didn't know
what we wanted    

i don't know
what i want      

and we were
so silent

and silent
we remained

i want to fix you          

to kiss your scars
and heal your bruises,
to mend the broken ribs
that protect your
fragile glass heart

i want to see you
happy again

because i miss
that blush on
your face
and the lines
by your eyes
when you
smile

it pains me
so much
to not see
those lines
any more

and i so want
to fix you

but how can
i heal
someone who
is broken
beyond repair?

i guess,
i'll just stay
by your side,
silent and
ignoring the
fact that you
are one step
away from
goodbye

you loved me
yet we didn’t work out

you loved me
but we never lasted

you loved me
and it was what made
the end so painful

you loved me

and i’m sorry that
i could not love you

as much as i would like to
tell you my excuses,
i would not because
i know that after all this ****,
it’s not what you want to hear

and i know you want me to say that
at some point in our time together
i loved you too,
even if it was just a bit

but then,
i would be lying

i’m sorry for us to end like this
and i’m sorry if i seem harsh;
i just want to stop lying to you
even if it’s a little too late

because this letter is not to
make me nor you feel better,
it’s about the truth

and this is the truth

i was lenient and unappreciative
and i was (and am)
a fool for not making you feel loved
when all you did was love me

but then again,
you loved me too much
and gave all of your heart
to someone who didn’t want it
in the first place,
without realizing
that you needed it
to live

and i’m sorry you had to wonder
all this time about my feelings
that it led you to the point
where you plucked all your petals
and ended up with nothing

i hope one day
someone would love you
as much as you loved me,
love you so much
that you’d never pick off
your petals in a
guessing game of love,
so much that you’d
always have fresh roses

the bird wings 
making loud
sounds that
drowned out
my heart's 
beatings

yellow sunlight
crashing against
a curtain of
mahogany leaves

lift up my 
staring heart
drop a gaze
at my 
melancholy face

a golden afternoon
the ones
you used to
admire a lot

an estuary of
tears and smiles
fills my soul

i used to
live for
days like these
but the
very thing
that used to
bring me
warmth
now brings me
chills

you are the
ocean horizon:
infinitely vast
and infinitely
far

while i am
the sun
who fakes
proximity

there was a tiny sliver
between love
and loneliness

and it was where you lived

you were every
menacing breath taken
when i was alone
and craving a cigarette

but you were also
every gasp of air
when i was passing
out with laughter

you are a lovers'
clasped hand
and a balled fist
hidden under a
long sleeve
of a sweater

you were every
tear shed and
every smile
that made my
cheeks hurt

you were that
place of security
but also
painful longing

but i love you
indefinitely

as that state
of uncertainty

as that girl
of dreams

as everything
you are
and everything
you aren't

here she goes again,
a devotee on her knees
at the peak of the full moon,
past midnight yet
way before witching hour

it’s the third time that month
that the girl kneels before Her,
weeping at the altar of Aphrodite,
feeling the full weight of past loves
on her fragile spine,
almost as heavy as the past lives
she was forced to carry through her youth

she was so young,
but her lamentations rang
millenniums before her

oh, Aphrodite

she wept

how many more innocent roses
do i rob of blooming?
how many more candles
left burning?
how many more full moons
do i watch waning?

the words overlapped in
deafening incoherence
but the clarity of pain
rang above the noise
of mumbled syllables

it was clear enough
that Aphrodite –
the cold goddess –
wept a tear

for She has allowed
this girl’s heart
the sweetness of infatuation,
only to drown that out
with the inevitability of disenchantment

this is what La Sol wants us to see:
the image of the Ninita,
dressed in a white linen dress,
eyes squinting as the
orange rays hit her caramel eyes
fingers covered in the
viscosity of the mango
she was devouring

but it was the dim of La Luna
that showed us who Ninita really is:
eyes squinting as the
red fluorescent hit her painted eyes,
fingers reaching for
the dirt of gold,
oh the pains of being Devoured

bruised skin
and yearning
for the feeling
of breathlessness
when your lips are
on mine
                                                                
let me drown
in your kisses
and eager hands

pretend that you love me
pretend that i'm her

and i'll pretend that she's you

let's just kiss
and spend the night
high on lust and
unforgivable fantasies

there was something about heartbreak
that just aged her

physically, it showed in the
creases in the corner of her
eyes — smile lines

and sometimes,
she would look at
the back of her hand
and see unfamiliar veins,
small splatters of freckles,
and wrinkles that were
never there before

emotionally, she felt
the retardation of her responses
to emotional stimuli

her laughter to a joke lagged,
the tears came late,
sometimes they
never came at all

but she felt it most
spiritually,

suddenly came the realization
and the feeling of her
seven past lives
weighing her own soul down

who knew it would take
one heartbreak to
unearth the pain
of past love?

lifting many years’ worth of
heartbreak and hurt
in every thing she did,
she grew so tired that

at night,
instead of resisting
sleep paralysis,

she’d have evening tea
with the sleep demon,
cackling loudly at the
gossip exchanged

ＯＮＥ:
i miss the
way your
body sinks
into my
mattress
marking your
beauty finitely

ＴＷＯ:
and I also
miss how
your tired
kisses came
with soft
promises of
forever

ＴＨＲＥＥ:
i wonder
about who
stains your
cheeks now
with red
praise and
scarlet i love yous

ＴＨＲＥＥ＆ａＨＡＬＦ:
she would
never love you
as much as
i do

ＦＯＵＲ:
and i miss
you so much
i fall asleep
to the monotone
of myself
counting the days
of how long it has
been since
your departure

ＦＩＶＥ:
and to pass
my time
i count the
times you
told me you
loved me
with absent
ghost eyes

ＳＩＸ:
i'm trying
to live with
the ribs you
broke and
the air
you left

ＳＩＸ＆ａＨＡＬＦ:
but how can
i go on
with the bones
you left me?

ＳＥＶＥＮ:
i'll keep trying
but it's hard
when my
memories
of you litter
my head like
the dust in
my attic

ＥＩＧＨＴ:
and how can i
go on when
you emptied me
and left me
wondering why?

ＮＩＮＥ:
i have
watched you
leave over
and over
and my zenith
sadness is
quite enough
to make
a collapsing
supernova feel
shame

ＴＥＮ:
and sometimes
I blame
love itself for
handing me
right into
your hands

ＥＬＥＶＥＮ:
but when
it's darkest
please know
that my
moon still
chases after you

ＥＬＥＶＥＮ＆ａＨＡＬＦ:
and that
i don't
hate love
for giving
you

ＭＩＤＮＩＧＨＴ:
i hate love
for residing
in my heart
infinitely when
it knew you
weren't staying
forever

i am trying to convince myself that i don't love you any more [sent]  
                    
but right now, it's so quiet and I just want to inject the painful silence with your medicating voice [deleted]    

the imprints you left on my memory foam are as deep as memories themselves [deleted]

but they're fading quickly like the way your scent, which once clung to my bedsheets, tangled with the wind, leaving my bedsheets smelling like just bedsheets again [deleted]    

i wish memories and attachment faded as quickly as foam indentions or your fragrance or even you [deleted]

you faded off too quickly [deleted]

i never knew love and hurt could be embodied by a single person [deleted]

but you were compassion and pain and healing and suffering and everything in between heaven and hell [deleted]                                

and i guess, i would not make a great lawyer because i **** at convincing even myself that i don't love you any more  [deleted]

do you remember how we decided
to write our fate on the constellations,
how each end met each end with
no spaces between them

i was mistaken to think
that these bonds would last for eternities
because now, i’m met by the truth
and it’s telling me that
the images of our constellations have faded

my stars make up another image from yours,
they no longer flow together like
a seamless blanket over the sky

it is as if you’re attempting to
defy the laws of physics by
trying not to gravitate toward me

but no matter how far you get,
no matter how weak my pull may seem

i still feel the laws of attraction working
because you’re still pulling me to you
and i don’t know what to do

i’ve tried not to notice you anymore
but how could i when no star
could outshine you,
no comet could shoot as fast
as you made my heart beat,
when none of the phases of the moon
could compare to your face?

it’s incredulous to think that in a universe
as large and vast and encompassing as ours,
where there are several earth-like planets
and identical galaxies and similar asteroids
and possibly tens of billions of life forms,
that there could only be one you

it’s unfair how you could be
so special to me whilst
i seem to be replaceable to you

nevertheless

one day, i hope you find
some new stars for you to bind with

and i know that no matter how much
shooting stars i wish upon,
i’d never be a part of your galaxy again

i’ve always wondered how you were made,
not in the shallow, human concept
of Conception and Birth

more on how you were
really Made

frankly, i have no idea but
i do have a fine guess

i envision a goddess
dressed in a robe made of
stardust and ****** tears,
resting upon the crescent moon
as she watched over humanity

for some reason,
she loved your mother
very much

she watched her through
lovers, heartbreaks, hardships

she wept
whenever your mother cried,
and made constellations
whenever she smiled

she loved your mother so much
that she gave the gift of You

made with the same material
as the stars, as the full moon,
as the gems she buried
beneath our earth

and i guess
the goddess loved me too

because she gave me
the miracle of meeting you

a painting of
Mother and Child
with heavier influences
of a pieta;

for in this one,
the mother holds her child
dead in her arms

but it is no grown Messiah –
it’s a drugged up teenager,
supposedly deserving
to be the centerpiece
of a demented madonna

under the
white shade
of the moon
our pale limbs
are tangled
with white sheets
in an absense
of colour

yet you give
hue to my
pale night

i am a 
dizzying light
shade of 
asphyxiation
purple

my neck 
stained with
the dark
blue and
violet rings
you have
left

unending 
scratchmarks
of pink
littered all
over my back

and you
bite my lips
leaving a
****** red
stain on
my pale
mouth

i may be
dull and
lacking of
shade but
darling,
you have
coloured me

and all the world
was sleeping
but i couldn't
find the power
to shut my
widened eyes
and stop my
brain from
creating worlds
of its own

you see,
i'm trying to
not think
about you
or how you
used to lie
in the space
beside me

but i can't stop

my mind is
creating new
cities and
islands and
even planets
under your
name and
i think they're
claiming my
mind as their
permanent
residence

i'm fearing
the possibility
of losing you

not to death
nor to oblivion

but to yourself
and to that
pain in your
gut that has
replaced all
the butterflies
with everything
you feared

and you're
throwing out
your heart
like how you
burned down
all our records
that one summer

you said then
that when you
listen too much
to a track  
you loved,
you begin to
love it less

but this time,
you're throwing
me out of
your life
like a beat up
record that
you have played
too much
and just got
sick of      

but i keep
waiting

i pass sleep                      
and i pass up
dreaming

because i'm
waiting for
that day
you pick
me up again
and play me
on repeat,
not fearing
what the
neighbours might
think of your
obsession with
that one track

i memorized
the sight of her
dressed in grey
smelling of peroxide
and sea wind
waking up
and telling me
to crawl back into bed

she would tell me
about oceans
and her love for them

and i love
the sound of her saying
"it fills the depressions
of the earth
and i love you
and you are
my ocean."

there were nights
were she cried
and she never let me in
and she told me not to care

next morning
she'd be smiling
but the circles around her eyes
the lines on her wrist
the redness of her lips
told me that she wasn't okay

she never wanted to talk
about oceans
or her beautiful
smile lines
anymore

and i felt the void
in my chest
when she asked me
"do you still love me?"
with unheeding eyes
and an airy voice

and even when i knew
that the girl i admired
and loved
was drowning
in her own sadness

i told her
"always"
because i did
and i still do

you left
and took
everything

yet you leave
your unwanted
things in my
messy room

your red lipstick
stains on my
white pillowcases
resemble blood
and flowing
heartbeats

your records
still play on
the radio
at 3 am
when i am
at my loneliest
and my insomnia
brings me
no dreams, 
only half-awake
nightmares

your image
is present
in every single
corner of my 
daydreams

and the wind
still whispers 
your poetry
into my
open windows
like an unending
symphonic
torture 

these ghost
memories have 
done nothing
but haunt me
of what could
have been

and we both
know these
poltergeists
will live
longer than
i will

because they
feed off of
my longing

and i know
i will still
love you
even past
death

i would
do anything
to feel your
love

i'd steal all
the stars
and inject
their luster
in my veins
to know what
it would feel
like to be
adored by you

i would drown
myself in the
ocean and fill
my lungs with
its waves
because you
said you
fell in love
with the sea
and i would
like to have
the idea of
what it is
like to be
loved by you

please hold
my heart
in your hands
and listen to
its beating

because the silent
pattern bothers
me at night
when it wails
your name and
i can't do anything
to satisfy it's
insatiable craving

all i need is
to feel your love
for just a second
to put this
heart to rest

she claimed that she was sadness
but i never understood why

in my eyes,
she was a firework display on repeat

she was a sky of infinite stars
and even when i knew it was impossible, i couldn't help but name each one    

she was the feeling of a heart beating,
the song i could never stop singing,
my lungs filling with air
only to have my breath taken
    
and she was cautious,
always careful with me
like the way she was
with her favourite novel

and i tell her that i didn't mind
having wears and tears
i didn't mind being folded
i didn't mind having
my spine broken

because i was hers
and i didn't mind being
an open book

but she was always so tender

and i loved her so much that
i didn't mind the dusk
that accompanied her dawn
because both were beautiful

she was beautiful

so when she said she was sadness
i didn't understand

but if it was true and
if this is what it is like
to be sad,

i never want to be happy again

and she had
eyes like ghosts
invisible and
haunting with 
their past lives
and last loves

pale white
wrists with
bones and
veins protruding 
like the
lined drips of
a cemetery candle

her heartbeat
was an 
eerie melody 
filling my 
nightmares

yet I feared 
the day that
this symphony
would stop

that your 
skeleton whispers
would no longer
graze my
shivering cold
heart

and that 
the frightening
things you do
would halt
and be replaced
by an even
eerier silence

right now
I fear you
but when I
think of
losing you
and never
seeing you
again
I wonder

what am I
so scared of?

i'm staring at ceilings
and i don't remember
them being this
dull

i never noticed
that they were
grey and pale
                                                              
that they were
bare and filled
with cracks
and crevices

never knew
that they had
nothing interesting
to boast

i just never
saw them
this way

maybe it's because
i'm just tired

or maybe it's because
the last time i stared
at the ceiling
was with you

and i was not actually
focused on
just staring

i was holding your hand
and i was feeling the
veins that lived
inside your skin
and feeling your bones,
wondering if they
ever felt like they
were not bones
when i'm around        
like how mine did
when you are      
holding me

and i was listening
to your breathing
and i was thinking
about how the
repetitive sound
of you
filling and hollowing
your lungs of air
managed to
captivate me

it's a thing
all people do:
breathe

but your breathing
pattern was my
definition of
home

and right now,
i'm feeling
rather homesick

and the ceiling
is being
oh so dull

and everything
is oh so boring
      
without the
distraction of
your steady
breathing and
your hand in
mine

i am nothing
special
i am a
collection of
shed tears and
fragile bones

and darling,
i have nothing
to offer you
because i
am hollow

but know
that even if
i am empty
i will give
you whatever
i have left
in me

because i
don't just
love you

i want to
touch your
very soul
hold every
crease with
fragile hands

i want to
memorize
the stars
the unending
constellations
that litter
your mind
by name

and i do
not mind
the unnerving
fact that
you darken
my thoughts
because the
truth is
you also
colour my
dreams

and the sun
does not
shine for me

it thinks
i am nothing
but just
another triviality,
a temporary
figure

but it
shines for
you and
only you

it wakes up
just to
see your
glorious face

because darling
you are
perfection and
anyone would
rather live
a second to
see your face
than to
live a millennia
without seeing
you

do you remember calling me up in the middle of the night asking me to help you find your childhood and how i would run to your house and how we would race to the playground where you would sit on the swing while i pushed you so hard that you would scream and laugh and exclaim about how heaven was in this very place

do you remember my weak lungs trying hard not to give up and my fragile arms growing tired and my hands with callouses and how i got tired after pushing you a hundred times

do you remember asking me why i kept pushing you when i felt so weak and tired and sleepy

and i told you that i kept pushing because the definition of my happiness was seeing you four feet up in the ground with your cheeks stretched and your teeth and gums exposed in the grandest laugh and that the feeling of my heart beating quickly was the greatest feeling of all

and do you remember when you asked me a week ago why i still stayed with you when you felt that everything was getting tiresome for me?

it's because i want to see your smile and your hands holding tight and because you are that ******* the swing and i would push you until you find your childhood or even if you never find it at all

do you remember the time
you asked me what my fears were?

do you remember the deafening silence
before you said that you feared yourself?

i remember

your hands shook as you told me
that the monsters under your bed
were beginning to sleep beside you
and how their voices are
starting to become the voices
in your head

i remember your restrained tears
when you said that you feel your
heartbeat weakening and your end coming
and you said that that was actually
not what you feared

you said you feared your indifference
to death and how you were beginning
to agree with the nightmares that say
to you that death is sweeter than life

and you said that you were afraid
of how i might get hurt when you go

do you remember what i said?

i bet you do

because you stopped talking after
and i just want to clear that up

when i said “you’re already gone”,

it did not mean that you are no longer
of any significance to me

those words meant that i can see you
i can feel your trembling hand in mine
i can hear your anxious heartbeat

but you are not here

this is not you

this is your emptiness
taking your place

there was a girl in class
who had a perfect punctuality report
but always seemed absent to me

and so i asked,
“when you’re in class,
seated a few seats away from me,
where are you really?”

and her eyes spoke

she was not here on earth

she was on the moon,
drinking up the sight of
stars and suns

she was on a distant planet,
fighting up robots
and fiends trying to destroy earth

she was on the sun,
roasting marshmallows
with all the other pretty alien girls

she was everywhere,
she said

she was everywhere
but here

because here was where
reality took place

and reality was no place
for the wandering kind

i remember
the three times
i met death

she was
a blackhole
hiding behind
the face of
perfection

she seemed
so gentle
yet she caused
the stars
within me
to fall and
crash into
oblivion

yet i couldn't
help but
fall in love
with her

the first time
we met
i didn't have
a clue
who she was

a pretty face,
a girl
made of
stardust

she was
beautiful

and the suns
inside my                        
heart burned
my insides
                      
she caused it                            
and
i didn't mind

the second time
i met death
was when she
held my hand

my bones shook
and my chest
was filled with
a dying
supernova,
burning up
and taking
everything

my universe
had it's
first collapse    
                                                      
and i
didn't mind

the last time
i met death    
i knew i
truly
loved her

she took
my hand
and erased
the stars
from my
galaxy and
replaced them
with her
darkness

and my universe
was void
of any light,
of any life,
of anything

but herself

and i
didn't mind

my mother taught me that life is short and
that i should take my opportunities and
that God wants us to create adventure
maps of our life

and i bet she would be so disappointed
seeing me spending my every breath
hiding behind my unending daydreams of
you

but i'll tell her that i'm fine and that i find joy in wasting my life hung up on you because all the adventure and all the riches and all the oceans that this world could offer will never match up to the thought of you

my throat
is completely
parched but
i can't stop
smoking your
every word

and i'm
trying to stay
sober but
i keep
getting
intoxicated
with your
kisses

you are
every form of
substance abuse

and in this
state of
insobriety
all i see is
a conundrum of
hallucinations,
hazy forms
of your
perfect face

i have been
warned of
your side
effects yet
i can't get
over this
addiction
made up of
glassy eyes
pink cheeks
bruised skin
and the
perfected smirk

let me
get wasted
on the sight
of your
chapped lips

inject me
with sinful
lust and
pure love

because i
beg for you
to let me
overdose on
you

to feel you
piercing bones
and killing cells

i want my
thin veins
burning
and my
little lungs
gasping and
choking on
the residues
of your
smoke  

i am so
drunk on
you
that i feel
the hangover
hitting already

make this
moment last
a little longer
please

don't let
the morning
come and
take away
the joys of
being wasted
and replace
it with the
pounding
realization of
your absence

i am so small,
devoured by
my depression

if i were a flower,
i'd be shrivelled,
on the brink
of being nothing
but soil and dirt

and one day,
i met a boy
who promised
to water me

i promised him
that if he did,
i would grow
and he watered me
day after day,
showered me
abundantly

everyday,
i'd tell him
that i am better,
i have grown 
taller

but he'd grab
my wrist,
measure me
with the ruler
i've created
on my arm

and see that
i've remained
small and 
have gotten
even smaller

he cried and
showered me
with the love in
his salt tears

he cried to me
telling me that
he feared the day
that i would shrink
into nothing,
into death

he watered me
more than before
and his water
was too much

i was flooded,
drowning in
the water
that was supposed
to give me life

i am not  
your girl      

i am just
the instrument
of your
insatiable lust,
your reliable
second choice

i am the
missed call      
on your phone,
the unopened
love letters
stashed under
your mattress

i am the
neglected cup
of coffee,
the Advil                        
after a hangover

i am
the person
in between
your shivering
legs and
the one
whose thighs
are covered
with bruises
and your
lipstick stains

the only person
who tolerates
your alcoholism
and the
only one
you kiss        
when you
taste like
cheap bar
whiskey

i am
the hand
rubbing
shoulders
while you
puke your
entire night
out and spill
incoherent
words

i am all
of those
things but
i am not
your girl

i am
just your
drunken night,
the blurs
of your
hangover

i am the
memories
you long
so much
to delete

because i
am also
the regret
seeping through
your skull
preventing you
from sleeping
at night

i am not
your girl

but i crave
to be yours

remember when
you would write
all your poems
about me

how you 
carelessly
would leave
your breathless
i love yous
in between
each line
like a secret
between the
two of us

hidden behind
your words
were our
held hands 
and our
stollen kisses

and your 
written art
was our love
translated
into the 
language of
the stars 

you created
a tiny universe
with every
line and curve
of every letter
and it was
paradise 

yet those 
days are 
far gone

and our
universe,
our heaven
was swallowed
whole by the 
boundless waves
of oblivion

you erased
the romance
and replaced
them with
stains of 
infinite farewells

now you
hold a pen
like its a
loaded gun
prepared to
shoot

and you
stare at 
the paper
like a
selfish god
depriving
a blank galaxy
the beauty
of constellations

and i just miss
your poetry

i feel
like i have
been evicted
from my own
home because
i lived
in your words

i found shelter
in the pages
you have filled
with your messy 
penmanship

so with 
shaky hands
and a heavy heart,
i try to recreate
the phrases
you have
written with
your heartbeat

but nothing
compares
to the image 
of our love
immortalized
in your poems