the circus clowns were sad
their pain made the people laugh
so every day
they painted their faces
with outrageous colors
and wore ridiculous costumes
they got onto the stage
in front of all those people
they fueled their sadness
into humor
and tricks
the people laughed and laughed
when the circus clowns show was over
they put on normal clothes
and removed their face paint
they lay in bed at night
and cry themselves to sleep
in the morning
they have another show
so they use the face paint as a mask
to hide away their pain

every day is the same
I play a game with my family
they kick me around
and I cry out
but they don't seem to hear
I try my hardest to win
the game
I want to be the best for them
if I don't win
my family kicks me more
and throws me around
they curse at me
for not being good enough
every day I try to be the best
but they still kick me
please mommy
please daddy
it hurts
please stop
they don't listen
so I'll hide in the dark
when they're done with me
and pray that next time
they'll be kinder
maybe next time
I'll make my mommy and
daddy proud

what do you want he asks
I want to collect the pieces
of your soul
and hold them close to my chest
I want to memorize your laugh
so I can replay it in my head
on nights I feel lonely
I want to listen to every word
that comes out of your mouth
and become enraptured by
your sentences
and listen like I'm going
deaf never to hear your voice again
what do you want he asks
I want you

"what we don't need in the midst of struggle
is shame for being human"
I have learned to keep my feelings
to myself
I have been taught that
my struggles are shameful
or attention seeking
but that is not the case
being shamed made me feel
like my emotions weren't valid
or that it wasn't something
that should be talked about
but that is not something
to be taught to children
cuz emotions are valid
feelings and coping skills
are valid
but you can't grow and heal
if you won't allow yourself
to express how you feel
you'll just struggle more
is you ignore those feelings
it is not shameful
to feel what you feel
the people who made you
feel that way
should be shamed
for hindering you from healing

red
red
red
blood no longer dripping from your skin
sweet raspberries crushed in my mouth
roses swaying in the breeze
tomatoes thrown from an audience
chili peppers stinging your tongue
pomegranate juice dripping down your chin
lipstick smeared on your lips
red
red
red

I have officially graduated
I thought I feel a change
after it happened
but I feel the same
nothing feels different
I was more excited about it
than I thought I would
I stood in line
in a hot gown
I walked across that stage
in front of all those people
filling up the gymnasium
I got my diploma
and walked out that school
as a graduate
my highlight was
I got to hug my favorite teacher
and express how much he did for me
and how grateful I am for him
he saved my life
and kept me in school
I cannot express
how much he helped me
and kept me going

I plunge into the cold water
it drags me down
my lungs constrict
as the water fills them
my mind is empty
it feels so nice
to have a quiet head
maybe I'll stay here
down at the bottom of the ocean
my eyes start to flutter shut
then I remember
I have all these people that care about me
who love me
and don't want me dead
I wanted to be better
want to be better
my eyes snap open
and I begin to swim to the surface
my lungs welcome
the fresh crisp air
my head bobs above the ocean
as I swim with all my might
to the shoreline
I finally make it
my lay against the sandy beach
as I rest my weary bones
and heavy heart
healing will come
rest up
before your next begins

he asked me if I was okay
he thought I was acting
lugubrious
and didn't want me feeling down alone
I poured my heart out to him
and instead of being met with
anger and disgust and defensiveness
I got met with
understanding and love and compassion
this is how he is different
this is how I know
he won't hurt me
not like the others

I used to hapless in my search
my search for a healthy relationship
but finally
I hit the lottery with him
my hapless search is no longer hapless
I feel so lucky
with him in my life

oh how I remember
when I was a kid
that I thought drinking
and driving
meant any kind of beverage
and got so nervous
when I saw my parents
drinking water
while driving
oh how I remember
how I innocent
and naive
I was

breathe in 1...2...3...4
hold 1...2...3...4...5
exhale 1...2...3...4...5...6...7
repeat
repeat
repeat until the anxiety goes away
until your heart stops hammering
until your stomach doesn't churn
until your breath isn't rapid
until your mind calms
and you can move one

his eyes are beautiful
they threaten to **** me into
the blue abyss of mystery
his eyes rival the beauty
of the deep azure oceans
his eyes remind me of
the cloudless sky
so bright and vibrant
flowers could never compete
with his eyes
morning glories
and cornflowers
and blue orchids
can't compare
I could stare at his eyes
for the rest of my life
and never get used to their beauty
sapphire stones inset
to his handsome face
bottomless seas of eyes
that pull me under
I am captivated
with his eyes

what's going on in that beautiful mind?
cause all of me loves all of you
loves your curves and all your edges
I need someone to know
someone to heal
someone to have, just to know how it feels
let me show you love
I need somebody to who can love me
at my worst
no, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth
cause, it's only you, nobody new
I'd climb every mountain
and swim every ocean
just to be with you
you were a thief, you stole my heart
I met you in the dark, you lit me up
we danced the night away
I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know
cause, honey, your soul could never grow old
it's evergreen
baby, your smile's forever in my mind
and memory
I'm thinking about how people
fall in love in mysterious ways

my love, it is time I confess something to you
I like you, I have a crush on you
I thought that love at first sight was just a movie genre
but on prom night, I saw you and your weirdness
I just knew you were someone I wanted in my life
it is so nice to finally meet someone
who writes poetry as well
you are eclectic, weird, funny, kind, and carefree
you have this kindness that drew me in
when I noticed how weird you were
it hooked me
I love how you make me laugh
and you aren't afraid to be yourself
you make the world a brighter place
and I love that about you
it's hard to put into words how you make me feel
but I'll try my best
I smile every time I get a text from you
I laugh at every funny selfie
I giggle at every nickname and compliment
you make my heart race and my face blush
I really like you
platonically and romantically
will you be mine?

they say opposites attract
however
when I'm attracted to my opposite
it never ends well
however
you are like me
we both like
writing poetry
the color purple
drawing
painting
and listening to
non-modern music
we are so alike
you are so carefree
I love how we're similar
it adds to my love for you
maybe opposites attract
but I'm happy with you
someone who is like minded

I used to gloze over my pain
saying "I'm fine"
or "I'm just tired"
I used to hide away
not wanting to let anyone in
for the fear of judgement
I no longer gloze over my pain
I am honest if I'm feeling down
it's very freeing that way
my pain deserves to be open
to heal
a covered wound that never airs out
will never heal

I don't expect to get encomium
on social media
however
I hate the negativity
on social media

psithurism reaches my ears
as I walk through the forest
the rustling leaves
are so peaceful
the sun shines through the branches
wildflowers sway in the breeze
birds chirp in the distance
a lazy river gurgles next me

I want to break the cycle of abuse
that I was subjected to
I don't want to be feared
I don't want to be known
by my footsteps
I don't want to scream at the slightest mishap
I don't want to beat people
or push them down
or place their worth on grades
I want to be loving and kind
I want to be loved
and be a safe place to talk
I want to give comfort instead of pain
I want to put value on effort
not a letter grade
kids might not be for me
but if they are
in the future
I don't want to continue the
cycle of abuse
I will break the cycle
when/if the time comes

oh, how I wish to press a kiss upon your lips
oh, how I wish to nuzzle my head into the crook of your neck
oh, how I wish to embrace you
and feel your warmth seep into my skin
oh, how I wish to entangle my hands in your hair
oh, how I wish to entwine my fingers with your
oh, how I wish to be called yours
but alas, this is a dream
a fantasy
it isn't the right time to tell you
oh, how I wish for my confession of love
to glide out of my mouth
and into your ears
oh, how I wish my confession is reciprocated
but alas, this is a dream

I am an erudite person
I have a thirst for knowledge
and I yearn to learn more and more
the internet is there for me
to explore all my interests
and ingest the information
I am an erudite person
I want to fill my brain
with interesting facts
and morbid facts

art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth

- Pablo Picasso

walking on eggshells in that lonesome house
your mood was capricious
I was scared of you and your anger
one moment you were fine and agreeable
then if I said the wrong thing
you would fly into a fit of rage
I never knew what was the right thing
or wrong thing to say
anything could set you off
and I was your victim
it was always me
you hated for some reason
no longer do I live with you
and your capricious mood

books books books
such a wonderful way to escape
the crisp scent of a fresh book
pages upon pages
drifting into other worlds
so much better than reality
dragons and unicorns and demons
are a better alternative
than the boring normal world
libraries are a comfort
so quiet and filled with books

the pale lucent moon in the sky
glowing so beautifully
little stars enraptured by it
people stop and stare
no camera could do the
pale lucent moon's beauty
any justice

normative or normal
not a word to describe me
I don't want to fit in
or blend in with the crowd
for the sake of acceptance
I want to be me
and I am proud of me
for being myself
I will not minimize myself
for the sake of being normal
stares and hate comments
are worth it all
if it means I can be me
and stand proud of it

dual enrollment for art
seemed good at the start
then drained me
****** the passion for art
out of my soul
my hands no longer covered in paint
I no longer make jewelry
drawing is a hassle
poetry is my escape
I'm going to college
for creative writing
what if
it ***** the passion
the soul
out of my writing
making it a chore
instead of a release
anxiety naws at my brain
the what ifs
knocking inside my skull
what if it is draining
but what if
it gives me more passion
more motivation
it is a risk I'm willing to take

I am grateful for my parents
how they're always there for me
listening to me when I'm sad
giving me hugs to make me feel better
how they make me laugh when I'm about to cry

I am grateful for my poetry
how it got me through dark times
and is with me during the happy times
always there to help me express my feelings
how it kept me afloat in the sea of depression

I am grateful for my friends
how they're there for me
as I am there for them
how they make me laugh
and we can share anything without judgement

my parents
my cats
my friends
the chance to fall in love
freshly baked cookies
sunsets/sunrises
books
the chance to define my success
laughter/smiles
music
dandelions blooming in spring
raspberry chip cheesecake ice cream
relaxing walks
my future pitbull
mama's homemade mac n cheese
rainy days
baking
warm blankets on cold nights
tv shows
prove you deserve to live
thrive in spite of former family

my sadness is evanescent
soon I will forget how it made me feel
I used to feel empty everyday
now I feel joy and contentment
my sadness is evanescent
drifting away
out of my memory
the feeling of sadness
will be a foreign emotion

I think I want to live
for the first time in my life
I want to be alive
I'm finally living
instead of surviving

my love will be my downfall
I'm like a moth to the flame
getting too close
and my wings get singed
he is the flame
I hope he doesn't burn me
my love will be my downfall
I'm like a bee getting drunk on nectar
woozily flying around
until I'm squashed
my love will be my downfall
or maybe
this time will be different

eclectic that's how I'd describe myself
different from the rest
not in a pick me way
just in a way that I don't even try
and I'm different
I don't do it to impress someone
I like poetry and writing
I like wearing bold and eccentric makeup
I like wearing heaps of homemade jewelry
I like being me
I like laughing loud and hard
until I can't breathe
I like acting weird
and driving my parents crazy
from my quirky acts of love
I like being myself so hard
that only the real ones stay

have I found my soulmate
it's too early to tell
but I know that I love him
maybe I'm rushing it
but I always fall hard and fast
it can be my downfall
but I experience unadulterated love

I remember that night
oh so clearly
our bodies so close
as I led you in a dance
your attire
matched you perfectly
so different in a sea of conformity
your smile lit up the room
I only had eyes on you
your quirky personality shined through
I remember that night
oh so clearly
I cherish the memory
and hold it close to my heart
as a smile erupts on my face
and a flush creeps on my cheeks

I have come to love you
and yet I don't believe
that you know the
hold you have on me
every notification on my phone
I check to see if it's you
if it's not
then I am saddened
if it is you
then a smile lights up my face
you don't understand
the hold you have on me
you have my heart
it is yours
please keep it
for your words are the life
to keep my heart beating
in such little time
you have a hold on me
I hope one day
you'll be mine
but at this moment
I am content in being your friend
I want you to know
my love for you
but it is too soon
and I don't want to scare you away
from my swift intense feelings

are people born broken
that's what I ask myself

sure, there are always people
who have been traumatized
who have been beaten down
and turned into monsters
to the point of no return
where they inflict the torture
they've endured onto others

but can they be born evil
already a monster from the womb
have a beautiful life
or at least a good life
with a loving family
and still turn out messed up
can you abuse and torture others
for the fun of it
with no reason why you do what you do

I'm counting down the days
just get through this week
and I will be free
free from this school
I will walk across the stage
and never look back
just get to Friday
and all the classes will be over
at this wretched school

I met my 12-year-old self for coffee
to talk about our lives

"I hate the world and my family
no one listens or helps
everyone hurts me
I'm trapped here
and I self harm everyday
my emotions are treated as manipulations
I feel so alone
I think about dying on the daily
please help me" they said

"please believe that there is hope
you have a new family
and a loving one at that
suicide is not something we think about anymore
we've been clean from self harm for over 130 days
we made more friends
we don't get bullied
or abused
life is worth living
and we strive to be better and heal every day" I said

the anxiety creature
made up of slime and ooze
with sharp claws
that dig into my mind
trying to drag me down with it
whispering in my ears
making me tremble
and ruminate
i try to run and escape it
but it always catches up
i won't stop running from it
soon enough it will tire
and i will be free

content:
the cool soft breeze caressing your hair
happiness:
the clear bright sunny sky
sadness:
the gentle rain dampening your skin
depression:
the pouring rain drenching your clothes
anger:
the scorching sun and whipping wind
rage:
the violent winds and tornado warnings

I am allowed to take up space
you are allowed to take up space
I deserve to be loved
you deserve to be loved
I have nothing to be ashamed of
you have nothing to be ashamed of
I am resilient
you are resilient
my healing is not linear
your healing is not linear
I am at peace with myself
you are at peace with yourself

8 years of therapy
therapist after therapist
nothing worked
I gained all the skills I needed
at psych wards
I never used the tools given
from the psych wards
but today is the day
therapy is not helpful
for me
but I will write my new beginnings
use the skills
do research
take my meds
and heal
I will do it by myself
because I have learned
that I am the only person
that I can rely on

anxiety runs through my veins
self-destructive thoughts swirl in my head
my hands tremble
tears blur my vision
bone deep loneliness sends chills down my body
I feel so alone
I text people
but it's all in vain
I get left on delivered
for hours upon hours
a heaviness settles in my chest
maybe they don't want anything to do with me
maybe they were pretending to be my friend
maybe I'm annoying them with my problems
maybe I'm nothing to them
tears spill down my face
I hold in my sobs
my phone taunts me
with the texts marked as delivered
I can't do this
I feel so alone
I feel like a burden
with all this overthinking

i have all these strong emotions
they swirl around inside me
i shove them down
and put a cork in the bottle
the bottle that doesn't open
it's easier to ignore the anxiety
than deal with the difficult emotion
but the bottle can't hold anymore
of this feeling
the bottle is shaking and exploding open
the feelings are rushing back at me
i'm holding in the tears
my stomach is churning like
the emotional turmoil
i'm so worried
I can't do this anymore
it's all crashing down on me
the emotions rain down on me
like the glass shards from the bottle
the anxiety shoots through my veins
making my hands tremble
and my heart ache
and my mind spin

beauty is pain
that's what they tell the young girls
that looks matter more
than comfort

caked on makeup
that weighs your face down
tight clothes
that show off your body
but restricting your lungs
starving and counting calories
just to achieve the hourglass figure
plastic surgery and botox
just to meet the beauty standards

they go through all this pain
and suffering
just to reach the ideal image
that changes so quickly
so you can't keep up
and are constantly adjusting theirselves
trying to feel beautiful

but what they don't realize
is that no matter how much you try
to fit in
it will never be enough

beauty is what you make it
be comfortable in your own skin
wear what makes you feel good
eat when hungry
starving makes you feel worse

there is light at the end of the tunnel
i promise

the knife sat in the store hoping to be bought
it dreamed of being used to make these delicious meals
how useful it would be
then one day,
a man bought the knife
it was so excited to finally have a purpose
then much to it's dismay
the man who bought the knife
is a serial killer
the knife was being used to stab
and mutilate
and ****** other humans
the knife was filled with sorrow
and guilt
he wanted to be useful
but not like this

deep red blood dripping onto the floor
bright red roses swaying in the breeze

orange prison jumpsuits walking in the yard
orange carved pumpkins on the porch

yellowed skin as kidneys fail
yellow sunshine streams through the window

dark green mold spores entering your lungs
vibrant green grass freshening the air

darkening blue ocean water pulling you under
clear blue sky calling peace to the turmoil

purple poison dart frog toxins seeping into your skin
purple flowers in bloom decorating the garden

in this country, we waste so much food
in a country where people go to bed hungry
if food doesn't sell
then it gets thrown away
perfectly good and edible food
just wasted
it could have been handed out
to homeless people
or people struggling to provide
for their family
they could've gotten many meals
if only we didn't waste food
poverty and homelessness  
would decrease
it's so amazing what people can do
when they have a full stomach
the work they can accomplish

I have trouble with emotions
I can't feel them correctly
either I feel too much
or nothing at all
it could be because of my past
when I suppressed my emotions
day after day
emotions meant danger
he was volatile
and showing emotions
could end up with
him in a fit of rage
I walked on eggshells
to avoid his wrath
now I struggle with emotions
it's safe to feel them now
but my body no longer
knows how to properly
it's an all or nothing situation
it's quite draining