I am the flower growing in between cracks in the sidewalk

every school I've attended
has had the same problem
they shape the school system for the majority
the minority has to suffer
for the lack of accommodations
the school subjects have always been easy for me
but the pace at school is so slow
I finish early
and am put at a lower level than what I can do
the way school is set up
is wrong in my opinion
it should be customized to each student
I struggle to thrive in school
due to how it's set up
I work fast and independently
school works slowly and with groups
I can't succeed
if I have to wait for everyone to catch up

"would you still love me if I was a worm"
she asked him
"of course" he replied
"how would you show your love to my worm self"
she inquires
"I would buy you an incubator and fill it up with moist dirt"
"I would feed you every day"
"I would pet your little worm self"
"I would talk to you and tell you what's happening in life"
"I would tell you all the office drama"
"I would keep your incubator on my nightstand so you can sleep next to me at night"
"so, yes, I would love you if you were a worm"

they say that if a tree falls in the forest
with nobody around to hear it
then does it really make a sound

the tree's pain went unnoticed
due to the lack of hearing ears
the pain was still there
even though no one could hear it

just because the tree fell
and no one heard the fall
doesn't mean it didn't happen
it doesn't erase the pain

the tree uprighted itself
and grew back taller than before
it did it by itself
because no one listened for the pain
so no one could help it overcome it
except itself

day after day it is the same thing
the cars drive on top of me
and the humans walk all over me
it hurts so much
the pressure and pain dig deep
until I crack and bleed
the working humans patch me up
but it does nothing to relieve the pain
the long expanse of body cries out in agony
it's the same thing
but I never get used to it
the cars yell and jeer at me
as they run me over
they take pleasure in my pain
why me
what did I do to deserve this
unless just existing targets me
for the torture I endure on the daily

I saw an owl holding a cigarette
any wise words I asked him
he blew smoke into the air
why would I have any wisdom for you
he inquired
owls are considered wise creatures I tell him
well if that's the case, then let me tell you a few things
he took a drag from his cigarette

wisdom does not come from age
it comes from experiences

you could be 100 years old and live a sheltered life
you wouldn't have experienced any hardships to give any insight

on the other hand
you could be 20 years old and live a traumatic life
you would have experienced so much that insight comes easily

he took another drag of his cigarette
age is not an excuse for disrespect

just because you lived in a time where homophobia was okay
doesn't mean that you can continue to hate them now

aging is a time for growing
the times have changed and so should you

these models in magazines and billboards
set unrealistic expectations for young girls
thinking they need to starve themselves
just to get the flat stomach
and hourglass figure
envying every girl they see
who they view as prettier than them
going to such extremes to fit the rapidly
changing beauty standards
leaving their youthful bodies behind
to go under the knife
and inject their face with fillers
just to be called beautiful
to feel beautiful
but then the standards change
and they don't feel beautiful anymore
they do more procedures
and exercise until they drop
until the standards are to be natural
and it feels like it was all for nothing
that they'll never be enough

i feel like i'm chasing a body
that i'll never reach
every time i feel like it's in my grasp
it slips through my fingers
hunger pangs is my new normal
skipping meals and snacks
filling up on water
as not to gain weight
losing weight is all i can think about
i never have seemed to love my body
always thinking about how i look
i compare myself to everyone
and i never achieve what they seem
to have so easily
once i lose weight
it always comes back
i can't keep it off
you can tell me thousands of times
that i'm not fat or that i look nice
but your compliments will fall on deaf ears
my body has felt big since a little kid
even when i was malnourished
i saw obesity
i'll never love myself

true love looks different for everyone
here's what it looks like for me

good morning and good night texts
listen to me when i can't stop talking
hold me when i can't find the words to express myself
tell dumb jokes to make me laugh
accept me for me
laugh at my dumb jokes
write poems for me
understand that i need lots of cuddles
and that sometimes i can't stand being touched
don't pretend to be normal, be your weird self
dance with me in the rain
love me unconditionally
accept that i am not a boy or girl

if you love me hard and show it
i'll love you hard and show it

i cried out for help
my head bobbing up and down
as the waves threatened to pull me under
no one heard my pleas for rescue
my body grew tired
and i started sinking
water filled my lungs
and my vision began blackening
i floated at the bottom of the ocean
then suddenly
a rush of energy surged through my limbs
i swim to the surface
and fresh air never felt sweeter
before i know it
i'm at the shore
i flop onto the sand
and relax
with the knowledge
that no one will save you
save yourself

these words bubble up in my throat
but i push them all down
if i don't
then i'll lose control
screams rattle inside my skull
but i never voice them
for fear of not stopping
i have so much to say
so much anger to express
but it isn't a good idea
i don't want to be like them
they were volatile
and as unstable as dynamite
i don't want to become violent
and see their faces in my reflection

sometimes i feel invisible
either like everyone looks through me
like i'm not there
or like they see my appearance
and don't look further

i am a person too
my identity matters
see me for me
see me in the room

i feel like an outcast
a social pariah
like i'm a wallflower

the time has come
where wearing shorts
is reasonable for the weather
but alas
i cannot participate
cuz of my scars
i'm not ashamed of them
but people will judge me
when they see the word
"die" carved into my thigh
pants will eventually become uncomfortable
but i will persevere through it
i like my scars
they're pretty to me
but others don't think that way
shorts season is here
but i cannot participate

love is like a flame
it can make you warm
or it can burn you
love can caress you
or throw you to the wolves
love can find you your perfect match
or it can find you someone
who'll never give you their time of day

i want to find love
a love that is reciprocated
a love that is gentle and passionate
a love that picks me up
a love that is the one for me
who can laugh at my dumb jokes
who can see me for me
who can show me the good in the world

i always seem to find the love that hurts
a love that beats me down
a love that hates me for me
who only loves the idea of me

maybe this time will be different

yes you're my crush
yes you make me blush
i love your smile
i think about it for a while
i want to hear your laughter
please don't let this end in a disaster
wrap your arms around me
let the love run free
i'm falling head over heels
you got me weak in the knees
you're so weird and quirky
and I feel unworthy

when I met you
I knew that there would
never be another you
I think of you on the daily
but alas
miles of roads separate us
my feelings are true
whether they're reciprocated
or not
there will never be another you

they say your skin is completely new after 7 years
it's been 7 years
but your touch still lingers
I see you everywhere
even though you aren't there
your presence haunts me
distrusting other me
because of you
you were supposed to protect me
but you hurt me instead
how can I trust after that
you violated me
and acted like nothing was wrong
like it didn't consume me
with fear and disgust and anger
how dare you do this to me
you told me to never let anyone touch me there
but you broke the rule and did it yourself
I was just a kid
it's been 7 years
but it still haunts me

reality is very jarring
it's so different from my books
I love the escape
all the different worlds I can experience
so much better than reality

the words on my screen blur together
the voices are muted
everything feels strange
my eyes shift from object to object
never really focusing
flipping from tab to tab
hoping for something to latch onto
to feel real
everything feels weird

my hands graze the keyboard
words swirl like a whirlwind in my mind
stuck in a cage
held captive
the words can't escape
my hands graze the keyboard
then shut the laptop off
why?
my efforts are fruitless
with the writers block
holding my down

I'd slit my own throat
just to see if you'd mourn me
I used to give people tests
just to see if they cared about me
it always hurt me
I tore myself limb by limb
trying to prove that I was unlovable
because the thought of someone
loving me
was unfathomable

tick tick tick
the clock is ticking
closer and closer the day will come
when I leave this school
and never look back
I'll look ahead
at my future
and my new beginning
a fresh start where I can be myself
freely without the fear of judgement
going to a more accepting college
where my identity is more than
a cruel joke
to be used against me

the loneliness glides over my skin
burrows deeps
and settles into my bones
no matter what I do
it never leaves
I could talk all day to everybody
I could have a million friends
but I would still feel the same
lonely
soul chilling loneliness
never ceasing

morning dew coating the fresh grass
pitter pattering rain showers
green foliage growing on trees
flowers budding in gardens
sun shining in a cloudy sky
the air chilly and warm
nature rebirth
dancing in the rain
jumping in mud puddles
basking in the rays of light

wet sand squelches between my toes
hot rays of sunshine beat against my skin
waves ripples in the lake
ice cream drips from the cone onto my hand
tank tops and shorts and swimsuits
sweet lemonade as the ice cubes clink in the glass
school's out and relaxing's in
walking through the cool forest
a relief from the sweltering sun
diving into the pool
and splashing your friends
refreshing breeze as the sun sets

the letters form in my head
colliding to form words
but they don't make sense
and the page stays blank
just when I think I've got it
it wiggles out of my grasp
and writer's block wraps me
in its shackles

the night I tried to end it all
replays in my head
every single **** day
it tortures me
makes me relive it
I don't want to remember that night
the pounding heart
and the heart ceasing beating
the puke
the shaking and trembling
the hyperventilating
and the not breathing
I relive it everyday
I just wish it would leave me alone
I don't want to remember the misery
the dying
the pain on my parent's faces
it terrifies me when I think about that night

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than the water of the womb

obsessive or pure
deadly or wholesome feeling
suffer or embrace

bright
cheerful
delighted
blissful
ecstatic
elated
overjoyed
glee­ful

at school not a word leaves my mouth
but if I decide to talk
I end up regretting it
my anxiety flares up
my face feels hot and prickly
my back heats up
my hands begin to tremble
my heart pounds in my chest
my breathing quickens
my surroundings don't feel real
so I press my lips together
and let myself stay the quiet kid

I have no idea how to make friends
I don't know what to say
or to talk about
I don't know if I talk too much
and will scare them away
I try my best
but I'm not sure if it's good enough
I want more friends
and I'm trying to put myself out there

age 5-6 eating my dinner
mac n cheese with carrots
served on a Minnie Mouse plate

these was a commotion from my parents
a few feet away from me in the kitchen
screaming and yelling filled the house

I silently ate my food
then suddenly
she grabbed my plate
and threw it at the wall

shattered pieces of the plate
litter the floor
more commotion from them

the day is nearing close and closer
the day I wear my cap and gown
and walk down the stage
and get handed my diploma
the day I no longer attend high school
the day I leave this town behind
to start my new life
and new beginnings

I could be talkative if I wanted to
but I worry that I might say the wrong thing
or say too much
or be annoying
I don't want to be annoying or too much
I don't want to burden people with
spewing words out
I don't want them to feel obligated to listen
so instead I shut my mouth
and become the quiet kid
therefore I won't be bothersome

tedious and monotonous
not retaining the useless information
keeping my head down
so people won't talk to me
if they do
I fear it won't be nice
students avoid me
and that's fine by me
they aren't very courteous to begin with
I finish my work in a flash
then dive into my book
teachers like me
and students come to me for help
I quite like this interaction

sometimes when I talk
my brain moves faster than my mouth
leading to jumbled up words and stutters
most people don't care what I have to say
so I stay silent
barely a word slips from my lips
you can say I'm shy
but what do I have to say
if nobody listens

Villains aren't born
they're made
they go through hell
they suffer and get beaten down
belittled and abused
abandoned and hurt
the pain turns into anger
the thirst for revenge
to make others feel the way they felt
I'm not saying it's right
just that I understand
I've been there too
but I made it out
and you can too

Nova
my baby girl
such beautiful fluffy black fur
so talkative with her little meow
needy and clingy
following me around the house
giving me ***** looks for petting other cats

Luna
such a crazy girl
wide manic eyes
furry tuxedo so fluffy and soft
chaotic and psychotic
loves getting her **** smacked
my mama's baby

Gizmo
such a handsome boy
so kind and loving
will cuddle everyone
always wants attention
sleek black fur with a white dot on his neck
so loving and loveable

Caesar
an introverted boy
such orange soft fur
quiet and reserved
loves belly rubs
doesn't quite like me
my dad's baby

they say home is where the heart is
then my heart must be a nomad

my heart is with my mom's ****** jokes
with my dad's infectious laughter
with my mom's kindness
with my dad's dumb humor
with my cats and their spunky attitude
with the sunsets setting the sky ablaze
with every word I write
pouring out of my soul

they say home is where the heart is
then my heart must be a nomad
because I find something to love in everything

something I thought was unattainable
like the fruit Tantalus couldn't grab
just out of reach
torturing me
with the proximity

now I grew stronger
and I grasped the fruit
I cradle it to my chest
never letting it go

I won't allow myself to crash back into the pool
begging to reach the fruit

I love books
reading them
entering other worlds
filled with romance
and dragons
and magic
and anything you can imagine
so enchanting
the words transport you
into different dimensions
feeling what the character feels
experiencing what the character experiences
the words turn into images
that turn into a portal to the setting
when the book closes
reality slams into you
the rapid change in worlds is jarring

the past
blood-covered thighs and arms
drip drip dripping on the blade
stinging showers
long sleeves in the summertime
unsticking clothes from my limbs
wincing when laying on the wrong side

the present
healed scars litter my body
retired blades no longer kiss my skin
painless showers
t-shirts all the time
smiles no longer forced
recovery

how do I say goodbye
to my childhood
to a free roof over my head
to free food
to free everything
how do I say hello
to my new life
to adulthood
to paying for everything
to being even more independent
how do I transition from childhood
to adulthood
it seems terrifying
and exhilarating

I want to sink my teeth into your flesh
forever tasting you
I want to weld our bodies together
forever in your embrace
I want to sew your hand to my hand
forever intertwined
I want to glue our lips together
forever kissing you

I love too hard and get attached too easily
I get hurt and obsessive
but I pour my entire soul into the relationship

blanket and pillows and snacks
chopped and dr pimple popper
tv and instagram and cats
late nights and laughter
sleeping in and staying in
pjs all day

many people are going on trips
traveling to other states or countries
having a vacation
in the sun on the beach

me on the other hand
what am I going to do?

I will lay in bed all day
binge watch tv
cuddle with my cats
stay up late

I may not be doing what others are
but I will still be having fun
I'll enjoy my spring break
but in my own way

The noise in my head is getting louder
Blocking out the world
It’s an infection
Seeping into my veins
It increases my paranoia
Letting criticism push me down
I put on my “I’m fine” mask
And become a performer once again
My reckless behaviors that made me bleed
Are no longer me
I don’t want to die necessarily
I just don’t want to face my fears
And feel out of control
My soul is nervous
To be integrated into society

one of my biggest fears is
that I'll work a 9 to 5 job
that I despise and drains me

I don't want to work a job that pays the bills
and is physically and emotionally draining
I want to do what I love and make good money

I know that that sounds naive
but I see the effects the menial job
that kills you slowly
taking everything out of you
with barely any energy at the end of the day

I tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear
you cup my jaw
and bring my lips to yours
our legs intertwined
I kiss you like my life depends on it
our breath becomes one
your warm body presses against mine
then I wake up all alone
in my bed
the room dark
loneliness creeps in
sadly, it was just a dream