I miss the air in your apartment
The scent of you and city air fills it up
The calm and the chaos in every inhale

I miss the warm days with cool breeze
Where your lips descended upon mine
And our tongues ran in each others' mouths
Like wild horses over grassy hills

I miss the cool nights with warm breeze
Where our minds ascended into the stars
While bottles of craft beer and odd mixes
Gradually declined into emptiness

I miss you.

The darkness disguised as light that is life creeps slowly into my spine like water dripping down a rain gutter after a storm. The reality in the air fills my lungs like twenty cigarettes all smoked in a dimly-lit stairwell on a Tuesday afternoon. I exhale as hard as I can, but the reality ceases to leave my being. It carves into my windpipe like a tiger's paw, ripping it into shreds as gravity pulls it back down.

I take a look at the calendar. A calm font reads December 24. I feel nothing. There is no cheer or happiness lingering in the supposedly cool December breeze. It used to fill the air with the scent of gingerbread and mint, but all there is now is the smell of rotting garbage, sun-dried ****, and the occasional stench of ****.

False smiles are painted across coffee shop windows. Bright lights that distract you from the world are wrapped around the trees. Mary gives birth to Jesus on each manger atop each building. It all still feels blank. The magic is gone. The false smiles frown at me. The luster of each bulb of each string of light has faded into a bland dullness. What lies atop the buildings are dead eyed statues.

Where has it all gone?

it's a hot day
in mid-December
as well
the world
(as we know it)
has gone
even more
topsy-turvy

Decembers used to be cold
like heartbreak after a date
or a cold shower at 4 a.m.

there isn't much around
besides the ceiling, the floor,
and the four walls that confine me
while the not-so-soothing sounds
of motorcycles pass by
my cage with silver bars
that i like to call my house

i miss you
and the summer's warmth
you bring when nights are cold
and the October breeze you have
when the days are hot

I am back in the cycle.
The back and forth
And back again
Of the silent non-silence
Of this filthy city life.

I wake up in the bed
I laid in the night before,
Rise up to take a liquid ****
And retreat once again
Into the blanketed dome
That is my mattress.

The sun shines through
The cracks in the seemingly
Single piece of colored cloth
That we call curtains
And seep in through the fabric
Of the actual single piece of cloth
That we call blankets.

When the ****** star's light
Is more than bearable, I take away
The blanket from my face
And face reality as it is
From the cool and calm not-peace
That is my room covered in sunlight.

A few more hours
Worth of wallowing in not-happiness
Would be very sufficient
To start the "day".
A few more hours
Adjusting to the hellish yellow light
That blinds my eyes,
But frees them from the darkness
At the same time.
A few more hours
To plan the next few hours
Only to not follow the plan
And once again act on impulse
The same way I did yesterday.

Come with me
Through the noise
And the disarray

The deafening tones
Of screaming children
And dying adults
(Millennials probably
We both know
That they never
Shut up)

The world
Around ourselves
Is a path
Of broken glass
Atop coal embers,
So I beg you
To hold my hand
And walk through them
With me

I fear
But I do not know what I fear
Maybe it's
Late nights wasted with people
And thoughts of people
Who do not matter
And who will never matter
Or only mattered once

It is human nature to desire death
Especially in this day and age

The world around us has become a collection of instants
From the messages we write up to the noodles we eat

Life goes so fast that we absorb so much at once
Our minds are filled with milleniums
Of words and dates and names of people we will never meet
And knowledge of places we will never go to

Humans live too fast
Our minds faster than our bodies
And when our minds live life to the fullest
We are left with only our bodies

How would it be like to die in a gutter?
A gutter made of cold pavement
That slowly grows warmer and warmer
As I lay down and feel the life drain out of the pores of my skin
A gutter with stagnant water turned green
By whatever the hell makes stagnant water green

Some nights I see myself dying in a gutter
I feel the warm blood rush out of my mouth
And the icy gutter slime on my right shoulder
Both of them cooling my skin, one more than the other

I watch cars full of people
Who don't care enough to help a dying man
Pass by my side as I die sluggishly
With their rubber necks and undeaf ears

I don't want to die in a gutter
I would never want to die in a gutter,
But if there is peace and silence in dying in one
Let the cars pass

To escape
The horrors
And reality
Of life
Is enjoyable

May it be
Roadtrips
And city lights
Or highway reflectors

May it be
In relics
In museums
Or paintings
In hallways

May it be
In dark movie theaters
On summer nights
Or in sunlit parks
On summer afternoons

May it be
With the love of your life
On condominium balconies
Or on soft beds

Escape
The reality
Of the cruel world

Beams of morning light
Force their way into my room
The noises from the cars
And motorcycles and the TV
Blast their way into my ears
But I stay strong

I am not ready for a new day
I do not want the sunlight or the cars or TV
I am not ready for a new day
And I would rather stay under my blanket

I want to choke you till the life leaves your eyes
The sound of you trying to force air into your lungs
Is a sweeter fantasy
Than me wanting to jab myself in the neck with a pen
Or stab my eyes out with a knife

The dream that is your death
Is sweeter than my suicide
More eye-opening
Than my dark desire
To be in a casket

As the days pass,
My anger only grows
And the dreams in my head
Stay dreams

If I could tattoo my poetry to my skin, I would
I would show them my word-riddled wrists
Where the scars used to be
And the prosaic verses sprawled on my neck
Where I planned to loop the rope

If my poems were good, I would tattoo them on my skin
Sadly, all I have are a sophomoric amalgamates of odd words
That make dead poets turn in their graves

The cold mountain air nips at my cheeks
While I sit on the cold grass of this *****
I can feel the chills poke my skin like needles
And crawl down my spine like spiders
But the chills aren't worse than the cold feeling in my chest
Because you aren't here by my side

Be strong, my dear
Because I know you can do it

The demons crawl up
From the ground below
And steal the air you breathe
But take it back from them
Because it's rightfully yours

Be strong, my dear
Because I know you can do it

I used to spend my nights
With only bottles of alcohol as friends
They didn't care if I talked about
Love or
Dying or
Life or
Anything
They listened

Months later, I met her
She didn't mind if I talked about
Love or
Dying or
Life or
Anything
She listened
And said she loved me
And I abandoned my old friends
Because she gave me the bittersweet buzz
Without the bitter

I never liked the bitter

I have not felt the perfect calm
That exists when I'm in proximity to your being
Since the day you walked through those doors

The light of the sun no longer shines down
I can only feel its searing heat boiling my blood and skin
The stars and moon no longer give light in the evening
They left me with only the darkness of the night sky as company

The world around me has always been gray
The buildings, the trees, the skies, and the people
Have always been duller than the blade
I used to cut myself with

Now I see the world in bright colors
Because you came in and painted it all
From corner to corner to corner to corner
And you filled in every detail
And every spot that was bleak

Darling, when the colors in your life fade,
Remember that I will always be there
To bring back all of the lost vibrance
And add a lot more

I used to enjoy
Reading books in my empty bedroom
While I sipped on a cup of green tea
(Or whatever tea I had in my cup)
During the weekends

Singing songs
To an audience of nobody at all
Was also a hobby of mine
(One I very much enjoyed)

The darkness in my room,
That embraced me
During moments of depression,
No longer holds me like it used to

The day you walked fully into my life
Was the day I realized I was not solitary
And it was also the day
That I stopped fancying being alone

I've lived
In this city
18 years

And I never saw it
The way she saw it
Until she showed me

I never saw the lights
In the buildings
Because there were no reasons
To look at them
Until she told me
How beautiful they were
And she was right

The city
Isn't so mundane
Anymore

I love you so much

I love you too

You have given me happiness in this dark time
And I love you so much for it

Oh darling

Words cannot even express how much I am thankful for you and how much I love you

"Love" is not an adequate enough term for everything I feel in my heart, mind, and soul for you.

If only there were a word for what we feel for each other.
My being wants to scream that word out into the cosmos,
But I do not know what the word is.

I want to write the word, over and over again all over my blank white walls until they crumble
I want to say it to you every time I kiss you, every time you hold my hand, and every time I so much as think of you.

Iñigo.

I love you with every shred of my being. Every cell in my body misses you with ever passing nanosecond.
I want you here.

We're going to go around the world to look for that word. We will look at every painting in every museum. Every sculpture in every garden. Every star in the sky. We will find this word.
And I love you with every shred of mine.
Each time I say your name or even think about it or you, I fall in love all over again

I as well

We're stronger than the days.
Stronger than time.
We can get through this.

Stronger than the toughest rock, stronger than water.
We will.
We must.

Stronger than every wind that has ever touched the earth.

I love you.

*I love you too.

I miss you so much

I miss you too

I want you so badly right now

Me too, darling...

I miss holding you
And your presence
And your voice

I miss the smell of your perfume
I miss your hands
I miss running my fingers through your hair

I miss the taste of your lips
And the warmth of your skin
I miss your eyes and their depth

I miss you entirely

I miss your being around me

******** it, Lorenzo

If I could hold you
And never let go
I would do that

To feel the warmth
Of your body on mine
Is soothing and serene
Like tea on a cold morning
Or whiskey on a winter night

The feeling of your breath
On the bare skin of my shoulders
Shifts my heartbeat into high gear
And fills my mind with electricity
Making me realize that life is good
After years of thinking it was hell

there are
millions
of reasons
to stay
in bed

pillows
matress
&
blankets
are a few

the way
the sun
is blocked
by curtains
is another

morning air
void
of sadness
negativity
&
pain
is another

but
there are things
that make you
get out
of it

like her
smile
voice
&
existence

Those three words will never be enough
To tell you how much I really feel
Even if I could catch all the stars in the sky
Of this ever-expanding universe
And fit all of them in an artisanal bottle
It would not suffice for half of the feeling

My heart could jump out of my chest
And sing the most beautiful ballad on earth
For hours upon hours upon hours
Until it shrivels up and dies
And it still wouldn't do

I could write you millions of poems
That each have millions of stanzas
And it would never be able
To tell you how much
I love you

My soul was ****** some time ago
But she brought it out of hell
The way her eyes looked into mine
Gave me new hope in the world and in life
Her fingers fit between mine like keys
Opening doors in myself I've never seen before
And when her lips touched mine
I found nirvana

Burning passion, gentle movements, and unwavering precision
Are only three sets of words that describe her
She moved en pointe with her ink-dipped shoes and wrote herself down on the pages of my existence
Delicate cursive appeared across the blank, unlined leaves
Creating soothing poetry amidst all the chaotic rants in the pages before
I watched as each step, throw, and turn add new words to the narrative
The spotlight followed her every movement as she floated across the stage
Jotting down line after line of her calming words

The lights faded after she ended the fourth stanza
And she was greeted with thunderous applause by the voices in my head
I could see her silhouette dance slowly on the unlit stage
She spun for what seemed like hours before the lights came back on

There she stood

The once pure and clean ballerina in white was drenched in blood and ink
She moved aggressively and without remorse painting rough lines on the soft syllables she'd written for me
Her eyes glowed with unholy strength as she knelt upon my pages
And ripped them from one corner to the other, tearing the book's spine
All I  could do was stare at her as she smiled at her work
And silently exit stage left

I used to feel fireworks fly and go off in my head,
My eyes used to light up like supernovas,
And my heart used to jump out of my chest like a frog in hot water

The feelings I had for you once brought cheer
And let the angels come down from heaven
To combat the demons that held me to the ground
And prevented me from ascending towards God's light
Alas, those days are gone like leaves in the wind

I am greeted by a dark, starless nighttime sky
(A sky which used to burst into color)
I drown in the somberness of it all
And let it embrace me in all its tenebrous beauty

Without love there are no fireworks in my head,
The stars in my eyes begin to dim and fade,
And my heart does not beat
I wish that my feelings for you could once again open the clouds
And show me the angels who freed me from *******,
But those feelings are gone and those days have passed

Happiness like this is irrational
It is a happiness I do not enjoy
Because it ends up dissipating
One way or another

Dopamine and adrenaline
Run through my body
I feel like I'm alive again
Like hundreds of horses gallop in my veins
And thousands of butterflies fill my stomach

Then you disappear
Leaving me with nothing
But the air you had breathed
And the feeling fades
And it fades
And it fades
And it fades

What do I miss?
Empathy
Innocence
Happiness
And having no social anxiety

I miss caring, warmth, security
Along with hopes and dreams
I miss my positive thoughts
I miss silence in my head

I miss her and her and her
And all of their voices
And their eyes
And their soft words
And how they said my name

I miss being young
Stupid
Unafraid
*Alive

The same stories
The same laughs
The same people
And it still feels
Just like home
Every bit of it

She cried at night
And smiled in the morning
She looked happy
But I knew how it was
All just a ruse

I knew the lies and truths
The virtues and faults
The tears behind the smile
The darkness of her thoughts

She was sick
Sick of how the world treated her
Sick because her heart worked
She loved the same way I did:
Unrequitedly

I need to feel the fires
Without the heat
I am lost

Stoke the flames!
Make the fire burn brighter
I am blind in the dark

Keep it burning!
Burn more fuel, you *******!
Burn everything to keep the fires alive!

Cut down trees
Burn all the gas
Do whatever it takes!

I have seen it
I have seen how it
Destroys
Degrades

There is pain
Much of it
And I wish to help
You won't let me

It's *******
I know
I have felt it
In my earlier days

The days that you smiled
Are those I miss
The sound of your laugh
Is almost just a memory
The days I want back

I bang at your doors
Let me in
Let me in
Let me in
For it is getting cold

Electricity fluctuates
Darkness, light, darkness, light
I will find my way out
But the problem is too complex
For a quick getaway

I see a flash of God
Then the devil
Then God again
Then the devil
It never ends

It's torture
I don't know whether the light is better
Or if the darkness is
To be honest
I just wanna be dead already and be
Buried six feet underground
Where I can hear no noise
From any person at all

Electricity fluctuates
Darkness, light, darkness, light
And what I'm doing now
Is trying to not give a ****

I wish my lips could touch yours
Like the ones before me had done
It would be a great privilege
As if it were something given by God

I stand here longing for your hands
For them to wrap around mine
I long for your own heat and sweat
To meld into my own

I stare into your eyes hoping they stare back
I want to see your soul in its quintessence
I want to see your flaws and shortcomings
And fall for every one of them

The stars don't align
Not for you and I
Even if I wished they had
They would never

You taste bitter on my tongue
Almost as bad as how cigarettes do
But it honestly tastes worse than you

Although now I'm the epitome of peace
I'm calm with the poison in me
Just like the poison you used to be

Cravings hit me hard
Like my old thoughts of you at night
But a craving for you is more of a blight

Don't get me wrong though
I'm very much over it and for you I am a quitter
I'm using the sticks to learn how to get used to the bitter

I don't think I'll write about how your hair flows in the wind
And how I worship it like the flag of my country

I'm not going to write about how your dark eyes fill me with vigor
And how they turn my dark soul white

I'm not authoring a poem about your voice
Filling the air with the sweet notes from Apollo's lyre

I'm not going to pen down anything about your sweet smile
The smile that can end wars and famine

I won't write you for Valentine's
I might reconsider it though

The night was cold and snow fell
In the middle of this forest.
We couldn't even get a fire to work.

The fires burned, but became snuffed
Because you refused to throw firewood
Into the bonfire of our hearts.

I'm tired of cutting down trees
Just to stoke the flames on your side
Of the fire that exists to keep both of us warm.

All I wanted was to have felt the fire's warmth too.
To give your share was all I was asking from you
And you couldn't even give me that.

I am trying to avoid you,
But you keep showing up

I was invisible to you once,
And now you notice me
Like I'm a pimple
On the tip of your nose

I'm not complaining,
I don't want you to go
Stay as long as you want

I haven't heard from you.
You could be dead,
But I hope you're still breathing.
You probably are anyway.

It's been a week,
Yet it feels like centuries.
You don't want to talk,
So I'm staying away for a bit.

It's dead silence between us.
Almost like there's a serial killer
Running through the house
And we're trying not to die.

All I'm asking for
Is for you to talk to me
Don't toss me aside
I'm not one of your old toys

I've accepted it:
The fact that we'll never be
I am now begging
That our friendship doesn't rot

It's all I have left
It's all we have between us
No more and no less
It hurts me to say these things

I am in the dark
The light
At the end
Of the tunnel
Is gone

And I now walk
Aimlessly
Bumping into walls
Tripping over rocks
I am tired

Will the light return
And guide me again
Or will I rot in
This hopeless
Damnation?

The seas of unrest
Became calm for once
For it had to witness
The day of her birth

There she stood
In all of her beauty
As the moonlight shined
Upon her soft cheeks

Her eyes lit up the night sky
And the darkness in my soul
Like a new sun, she was
Beautiful and stupefying

The wind sang beauteously
And the trees danced
In celebration of her
Because she was perfect

The wind whispered to me
Her name and I was shocked
For it was the language
That angels spoke

I see a couple
They look happy
Together

Smiling,
Holding hands,
Fingers entwined

They stare
At each other
With such longing,
Such emotion,
And such warmth

Happiness
Like theirs
Is what I wish for,
But all I have
Is a bottle

I don't want to know what time it is
I just want to lay here forever and die

I don't want to know the painful truth
I'd rather listen to beautiful lies

I don't want to know who you love
Unless it's me, it's a truth you hide

I don't want to know what your thoughts are
Probably they're of some other guy

I don't want to know you
But I do and now all I do is cry

I don't like texting you
I would rather hear your voice
(Because it sounds like heaven)
But I don't want to call you
Because I know you won't pick up