Anger, faker, false mood maker. What has replaced calmness?

Give me your soul just as you once had promised.


Now's not the time, id once thought i was wise.

In the blink of an eye, gravity it did not defy.

Once upon a time, we had much in store.

It fell down to pieces, i had just wanted more.



Down and down the rabbit hole,

Where it ends, no one knows.

Ive chosen this road whether conscious or not.

No room for error, no time for plot.

Just give and give as youve always had.

Well if youd stopped now, thatd be all too bad.

Because like it or not, theyre counting on you.

Not just ones above ground but imagined ones too.

Ah, to be a little frog.

Allow me to hide amongst 'your' belongings.

Under the cushions of your swing set, upon your screen door, mayhaps even in your outside rainboots.

You may shoo me away at once, if you must. I will be back.

Ah, to be a little frog.

I think i shall hop away now.

Toodaloo.

Until next time.

They didn't want to know me.

They just wanted me to be okay.

And I was not okay.

I have to remember. I have to remember
this. for as long as I can. for forever.
I have to.   I cant let this go.   I cant let this feeling

                    go.

I almost broke down. I could have. I was keeping it together. I just kept thinking,
"I just have to make it.
                Just get home.
                                Just make it.

No! Let him go!

Scratch at the cage. Scratch and scratch. Away. Got to get away. Dig out. Dig out.

Theyre coming. Sit and hide and wait. Sit and wait and hide. There is no where to hide. No where to go. Need freedom.

Theres nothing you can do that i have not already done to myself. There is nothing you can do that i have not already done to my self. There is nothing you can do. There is nothing you can do.

Away! GET AWAY. its just me. It has to be just me. Just take me. Its me. ME!

There, there. There, there. Its okay. Im here. Im here. Its me. Im me.

****.

Im sorry. Im so sorry. Please let him out. Let him out.

That **** hurts. So many feelings stemming. Hurt, sadness, frustration. Im just trying to take care of my ****. Im doing my thing.
Can I not relax? Can I not stop?


Forever on this hamster wheel called life; forever just a rat in a cage. Fatten me up for the snake. Get nice and familiar; comfortable. Before I disappear, look unto me. See what it is you are doing. Take a look at me. And then really take a good look at yourself.

Robots and gods.

Is this madness?
It must be.

On one hand, the robot feels.
The robot knows what it wants, takes it.
But has difficulty feeling what other people are feeling.

On the other hand, the god watches.
The god orchestrates and plans things to go its way.
But feels as though it doesnt have control over itself.

It manipulates and prods.
It is calculated.
It is watching.
It is observant.
It is careful, caring and emotionless.
Yet full of it. And still yet unexpressive. Full of life. Trapped in their vessels; their roles.

What am i?

Heartbeat quickening, I weight each decision in my head. "**** it", my head responds. I gently hold your head between my hands. I let you stare into my eyes questioningly before I bring our mouths unto eachother. Finding your lips is one of the single hardest and easiest things ive ever done.

He lay on the side of the road; lifeless grey eyes staring forever into the clear bright sky.
"I wonder who lost a rooster."
My eyes lingering as my speediness transforms to a crawl--
"I'm going to be late to work."

...

Pick up the pace, why dont you

Oh, the pain still resides within (just as it should.)
One must only learn when to put it aside
or when to pick him up and hold him within their arms. (cradle him, really)

It starts like this:
"Where is my beginning?"
"Is there an end?"
"Where did the maddness
        come from?"
Does the ghost wail for
  itself?
or for
  others?
Who do you wail for.
There are no answers.
Only questions.
What is your answer?
Now tell me your question.
The end is always nigh.
Especially if you are
        planning for it.

How can I explain?

I can already feel myself going out on a tangent.
You're one of the best things that has ever happend to me. Merde, I can't even spell. anyways. I've changed I'm a different person. I feel more bitter.


So I was

You make me feel things.
Be my lover, be my heart.
I just adore you.

I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE OF ANGELS AND GOD BUT IF ONLY I KNEW THEM.
YOU SEE, IM NOT A VERY ADAMANT BELIEVER, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN.
WHO IS THIS  BIG MAN IN THE SKY DRESSED IN WHITE SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAYS? AND WHY DOES HE HAVE COMMAND OF ALL THESE MAGICAL WINGED SERVANTS ANYWAYS??

Looking up at the ceiling;
Its all I could do to keep myself busy. Sometimes I'll find myself staring into walls trying to think of what to think of. Sometimes, everything just feels like a ******* mess. My room, my face, my clothes, my body, my hair, my head. I try to clean it up, but where tf am I supposed to put all this ****??

Something happened. I didnt know how to feel. A walk seemed like a good thing to do. I followed the trail. I got angry. Why? It doesnt make sense. But it does make sense. Why? So angry. Clenched fist and uneven breathing. I cant do this. Stop. Breathe. Stop. Sit. Count cars. 25 cars speeding down the freeway. I see them. Do they see me? 50. Calming. Counting. Losing track. 100. They keep coming. Sometimes many all at once. 200. Sometimes sparce and few. 225. All these cars. All these people. So many lives. So many in different situations. So much i dont know. 300. 300 people have just passed me. Its been no longer than 10 minutes and so much experience has just driven by. I may never know their stories. Never to be seen again. Fleeting. Gone. 300 people who dont know me. Dont know my story. 300 people. Some would care. Some are too busy. Sure, some empathetic. Some feeling pity. Walking. Thinking. Numb. Smile at the nice people passing by. People pass and yet the road seems deserted at times. Walking.

There is an end. Though it maybe not quite an end. Things are not the same but thats where you end up.

I turn around and walk back.

The house is empty. As am i. I can feel the emptiness inside me.
     I love being alone. But not like this.
The feeling of betrayal chips at me
     threatening to reveal my true character.

     What will they think of me then.

i feel like the equivalent
of an abandoned paintball field.
I guess it could be peaceful.
But its a bit eerie to say the least.
Everything is all faded but you can tell
**** has gone down there.
You just cant know for sure what.
Like youre sure there were some great memories there.
But you also cant rule out
the possibility that
at one point in time,
someone has gotten an eye shot out.