I wish when we met that that person you pretended to be was really you..

that guy was the best.
He was so sweet full of compassion.
Very smart. Always corrected me if i said the wrong or spelled it wrong.
Always told me to take care and be safe at the end of the conversation.
He wasnt vendictive or would he be so childish as to "get you back" for something that he was wrong for in the first place.
He was a bit moody a few times but all in all he was dreamy.
He had a way that hed talk and it made me melt and id do anything he would ever ask.
I was so smitten with him.


I wanted him so bad and would have loved him forever!!!

But he is NOT REAL!!!!

He is YOU!!!!!

im sick of being alone......
no one to love me and no1 there when i get home....

i need to lose weight since everyone is superficial.....
its better anyways so im healthy and not bloated and look like a jiant pickle.

I just need to not eat after work.....
its just hard when i work from 4 to close and get my food discounted which i guess is a perk....

But i need to do this to help me so i can find some guy who wont love me for me.......
unconditionally is how i want my love to be.....

The time has come to say goodbye....
Ive decided to give my life a try....
Up until now all Ive done is get high.....
I dont want to live this way and i dont want to die....

I need to go find a church...
Stay off of twitter and not be a lurch.....
It gets me stuck as I continue to search....
sitting like a bird out on its purch....

I need to get sober and get it together.....
Now is the best time......
So I can have whats left of a life.

I guess better late then never...

I hate the way I look so I get depressed
I hate the way I look so I do t love myself
I hate that  I have an addiction so I can't save money
I hate that I have an addiction *** it's hard for me to be punctual
I don't know how to fix this without help from anyone
How can I get my life back before I end up ruining the only one I have??

I am not beautiful so please don't continue to lie
If I was I wouldn't be so sad and lonely and by myself always cry!

I guess he was right
I must be really ugly
And overly fat
That's why I'm all alone *** no guy wants that!!!

at night i think about u often since thats when we'd talk alot....
I will miss you very much. Not as much as i missed E, *** i was seeing him alot longer. But it is a great deal of heartache!!

You were sent to do evil......but you really didnt.

You made me see things differenly....
changed my mindset on things that had been a certain way for yrs.
You got me to tell my self i love mysel every day....even today i do it.
I always keep the ringer off otherwise it makes noise since its still set to the settings you made on the phone.
You got me to see the difference in an apology and from saying sorry.
You tried your hardest to get me to think better of myself and for that i am ever so grateful to you for that.

i dont know why u  did that and i probably never will know why but i do thank you.!!!

I really did care and love you.
take care sweetness....

luv u......
bye.
:(

Im not going to be on here much anymore......
it makes me sad that you dont talk to me much now....
I guess i meant nothing but i just dont feel thats the truth !!

I hate to read your twitter accts...it really upsets me ,
But what should i expect......

from someone who cheats on the "best friend" wwith some older chick for 4 months for money from some old *** guy.

I just need to keep telling myself that you hate me and i meant nothing to u.






so i will just sit and cry like i usually do.

It really is hard *** I do have love for you
Even after finding out the real reasons u were there for u kno who!

I kno u grew to like me alittle ...
It just ***** *** now we can find a way to hang out and meet In the middle!

U really did make me happier and brought me lots of joy
Just suxs now *** I can't play anymore with my boy toy ( jk)

I'm sorry I didn't tell u how u being there affected me
Maybe one day i will be able to but until then in my heart missing u is where u will be!!

Ur my heart and I can't let u go-
I don't even know how even if I wanted to!!
I constantly think about u and the time we shared
It's hard to forget u when my life has forever been impaired!

I wish we could be friends from afar....
It's not how I want it but at least  u haven't gone too far!

I'd give anythg just to talk to u a few times a week!!
That would be the best thing and I'd be so happy I'd totally freak!

But u hate me and it's over and done...
I don't want to marry u but in my heart ur number 1!!!!!

how can a few weekends for a few months mean anything?

how can you end up liking the person who was there to mess with your mind?

How can i care for someone who  is half my age?

how do i stop this hurting and endless ache i have for you and your return?

yea break my heart again .....
whats that? twice?

the only problem is .....
its not not very nice.

i need to forget abt you and go my own way.....
if u cheat once......youll do it again anyway!!

I DONT WANT SOMEONE WHO CHEATS!


(but u will be missed)

i hate that im hurting......
longing for ur return......
the emotions inside are heating up,.... and they ******* burn.....


i wish i could talk to you
so i could let you know......

that your precious to me.....
and i never want you to go.

I wish you would have been mean
*** then those ties would be easy to cut clean...

I wish you would come back but for other then revenge.....
I just miss you so much !!!

I promise to let you finish your storys and not interupt....
i will write it down so i dont forget what i need to say so you can finish..

I promise to be upfront and forever true.....
I miss you terribly and want you back ------


if you only felt this way too....

so much reminds me of you!



i wish the memories would leave as quick as u did!!

i guess he did win...

*** i miss you so much&

i wish u were with me making me sin.

Theres nothing i can do to convince you that i care....
i wish you were still around so i could prove while your there....

Listening to him only brainwashes you....
theres nothing on heaven on hell that i woouldnt do for you...

I miss laying on the bed and just talking.....
you always had something intrestring to say....

I always thought you seemed older then what age u did say....
But some actions made me think ya ur young born in may.

I wanted to know more about you and tell you my secrets too
I guess that wont ever happen now.....

I just need to get over you.

I miss laughing with you....
I miss you pushing my hair behind my ear like you  used to do....

I miss you talking to me....
explaining certain things on how they should be,....

I miss having *** with you....
you were game for anything ....
there were things i did that I never do.....

but most of all......

I miss spending the weekends or my days off together.....
I miss you now and i know it will too be forever!!!

I know youve moved on and sadly its without me~
Even thou thats not how it was  intened to be...

We had so much fun when we were together...
Doesnt matter now but i wanted you to be here forever...

I loved to cook and make food for you ...
I didnt even get to make the best dishes like i wanted to...

I hate that you and I dont talk anymore...
Not when you Become another person....
I dont like that and want that no more.

I want to talk to YOU.....
like we used to do.....


But I know you never will


and Im trying but its so hard to swallow that pill!!!

Mons getting better *** I spoke of you....
she didnt shed a tear like she would ususally do.

I told her about a happy memory...
and I smiled really big at the end....
and she did she.

Today is Thanksgiving and we need to be thankful,
but its hard you see....
since this will be my moms  last time for Thanksgiving turkey.

I am ever so grateful to be able  to share today..
and I will take many pics so I can always remember all she may do or say!

Its just sad to think that this will be the last....
but then again, one day too we all must pass!

I have 2 recient guys i was seeing....

One is old and should be  or act like a normal adult...

the other is younger and sort of wild and fun.....but a youngster..

the youngster acts more like an adult then the adult does....

How sad is that (for the old man?)

i suffer from depression and its always been that way...
prozac work best but have side effects that i dont like...

I was always thin when i was younger up until my brother died..
When he died i gained like 30 lbs *** i was so upset and missed him terribly. I also didnt have any friends close by that i could REALLY talk to...(she lived 6 hours away and was going thru stuff with her new man so i didnt want to bother her.)

I so wanted someone to talk to about all my woes but couldnt afford it.
So i masked it with what i could afford and what ive always masked my pain with..

I was molested by my moms ex husband when i was like 4 - 8 yrs old.
I used to imagine myself floating on the ceiling and years later found out why when I read a book about children who are abused weither its physical, verbal, or ******. It said in the book that children who are abused will usually either put themselves into the wall or floating on the ceiling...when I read that I felt so realieved *** I always remembered myself doing this but i didnt understand why i remember doing that.... I thought I was crazy or nuts or had special powers.
It also said that kids who are abused in any of these areas are more likely to drop out of school, commit crime and or do drugs, or all of the above.

Because Ive been an addict and I dont know why.I have gotten into trouble before and i did drop out of school.

I wish I had'nt  done any of them, much less all 3!!

When I was younger I loved to listen to music. I still do. It was like my best friend *** it didnt let me down and wouldnt leave me.....it was always there whenever I needed it and there was a lways a song that could explain EXACTLY how I feel.  My brother had an obsession with it as well and he would like rock or pop his head to the beat.

When my brother died....I felt so lost and so alone...Because only a few people in my life have ever loved me for me.....i guess its unconditionally!!

One was my bro...the other is my son Todd... and the other is my best friend in the whole world and her name is Yvonne but I call her Bon Bon.

They have always accepted me for who I am and dont judge me at all...
They just say "thats the way she is you either like her or you dont".
Because I am very blunt, honest, i dont candy coat things...Alot of people dont like that.....but there are others that think its fine. Its just me.

But anyway....I had a boyfriend when he died that ripped him off before he died and I was so mad at him for doing that...It caused alot of term oil in my family over that. I used to go see my brother ever week and Id stay for at least one night if not both nights and id cook him food and do his laundry (he was kind of disable *** he had a rare case of gout and it made him most of the time wheel chair bound.)and just visit with him...we were really close and when the boyfriend did that it made it weird between us...
and I didnt go see him for the last year of his life...*** he was thinking i was in on it with the ex (but I swear on my life may god strike me dead i had nothing to do with it.) which when he was really sick and in the hospital I mmade the ex take me to see him.

Making a long story shorter...
I at least got to see him twice before he died. Once when he was able to still talk and the other time he was so medicated that he couldnt. But the last time we spoke the last thing he ever said to me was "I LOVE YOU!" and Im so grateful for that....

But I gained weight *** i was so sad that he was gone and still am....

Now my mom on Oct 1, 2014 ..
was given the news that she has paincriatic cancer. Its not cureable  and its the most deadly.
Learning this has made me so very very sad even more depressed *** now Im going to loose my mommy.

It is so sad to think your mom is going to die when shes only 67 yrs old. Shes never smoked or done drugs and has like 2 or 3 degrees in stuff. She was the first woman in the 80s to have top secuity clearence at Edwardas Air Force Base. She was involved in the space shuttle flights (i dont know what she did but she was in the control room doing something) and the SR71 and the Blackbird aka The B-1 bomber. Shes so smart and doesnt deserve this...

I dont do the death thing well at all and i am a depressed eatter. I have gained some more weight learning all of this now with her....

I have been told that Im an UglyPig and will be alone forever from this person (******* really) i used to see and hes on here and is very mean to me talking about my appearance and my devices that i use *** i know of nothing else....

Some of us havent had the best childhood that was happy and wonderful with my true parents..
Some of us have broken homes and had to see our mom get beat up by the ******* who molested me for years...
Some of us didnt feel like we were loved or that we mattered ....its as if we were a blockage for my moms fun.
I know my mom loved my brother and my sister but i dont think she loves me....i think she tries but she just cant or doesnt know how...

My point behind writting this it to tell the ******* that I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT, AND I WILL STOP USING.....BUT I DONT NEED TO HEAR IT FROM YOU WHAT A FAT UGLY NON EDJUCATED BORE I AM....
I HAVE NEVER SAID WHAT I THINK OF YOU BECAUSE ITS NOT RIGHT AND ITS HURTFUL AND IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MYSELF LIKE YOU HAVE AND BE A **** (LIKE U SAY I AM) LIKE YOU ARE BEING.

I AM GOING TO GET THIN BUT IM GOING THRU THE HARDEST **** IVE HAD TO DEAL WITH IN MY LIFE AND IM DEPRESSED BUT I WILL GET HELP AND GET THIN AND CUTE AGAIN AND I HOPE AND PRAY I RUN INTO YOU......

*** YOUR NOT WORTH WASTING ANY MORE OF MY MIND ON.

EXCEPT FOR .........

grow the **** UP!!!!!

I wish things that made me happy sometimes...
Didn't happen!!!

*** when the  aren't there any longer.... I'm so sad !!

Even tho we met in a messed up way-
You will always be a main happy thought I will revisit again and again!!

I only wish it was like our visits previously ! Oh how I wish!!

I wonder if u ever think of me in a nice way?
I wonder if I made a good impression on ur life?
I wonder if ur glad we hung out and that u got to know me like no other?
I wonder if u miss me af all like I miss you?!!??

I hate when the holidays are here....
I wish you were sround since ur someone I hold dear!

I lope ur day tomorrow will be spent well...
When a simple  "hi " from u would make my day....
But who am I kidding ?
This isn't a wishing well!!!

My mom was told that she only has a few months left to be around..
And has been crying ever since those words left the doctors lips with too much sound!!!

I don't know how process this in a healthy way,
I must have been off work and missed the memo that day !!

It's so upsetting when a loved one does
Die when it's your mom it's ten times magnifird !!

I need to go and find a really good church....
Keeping the faith while I contine my search!!

My own child is in denial abt what's going on...
She can't even imagine my mom one day will be gone..

Sad truth is neither can I.... And when it does happen I will just break down and cry !!