Life is glorious
With a taste of gore,
But it seems
That glory has no value
And gore shall prevail
Forevermore.

Hand in hand
Go glory and gore,
For, rainbows are not found
Without a sunny downpour.

Magnifying trouble
Doubling the rubble,
A flaw engraved-
Incorrigible.

Harder and hardest
We name them apart,
But truth lies in neither
For, it's only hard.

Choking and bleeding
To death and beyond,
Send us to our eternal home,
To the grave we belong.

We need not love
To live a life
Without burns
Within the soul.

We need not heartache
To maximise gore,
But only the need
For sympathy and pity.

Although some of us
Need not any pity,
Only a helping hand
To change the future.

Past is past
Untouchable,
We have no time turner
To change what's over.

But gore maximisation
Is what is shameful,
Exaggerating
Pretentious nightmares.

Stories of blood
Stories of tears,
They may be true
But only what
It means to you.

Keep the rubble
They way it is,
Don't falsely increase
The heavy burden.

Yes we cry,
But not die.
Death comes once
And takes us away,
Completely disconnected
And entirely stray.

We sink to the bottom
But we don't drown,
Breathless and shivering
But still alive.

Going over these lines
I only see
A blank page
Staring back at me.

Oh you hypocrite
Don't tell these lies,
You know you double
The rubble and the cries.

I despise this poem
But still, I write
For, I need to be loyal
To the growing demons.

Paradoxes contaminate
Words of wisdom,
Scattering constellations
Back into stars alone.

I question myself
What is it I want,
I realise that the answer
Only lies in a web;
The web of life.

Live life to the fullest,
Don't live in a dream world,
This is reality
There is gravity.

But, to hell with life
That's what I say,
Live your dream
Make it your way.

Be considerate
To what others want,
But never bow down
To unreasonable taunt.

Look at good
Look at evil,
Choose your path
Let it prove
Not fatal.

A cursed hamartia
Ruins many a life,
A flaw so fatal
A remorseful light.

Ending this vague haze,
Of many a peculiar phrase,
I cannot comprehend myself,
For, I am caught
In the inevitable daze.

the words i wrote at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, twenty
did i truly understand them?
do i truly understand them now?
i'm closer to thirty than i am to fifteen
and i'm just staring at this keyboard
of a laptop i didn't buy
listening to kesha on a speaker with the volume turned up 'way too high'.
i think about the days i laid on the floor, listening to kesha, with the volume...yeah, way too high.
i would lay on the floor of the room i grew up in
a room whose walls, if they could talk, would just weep
they would sob with all their might
the distress, suffering and bloodshed they've seen
and i'm still here, alive, more than just alive. living.
and i wonder, could there be a way to slip back in time and watch myself on those cold, lonely, empty nights?
"ain't it funny how time flies? fades into gold. now i wanna do a drive by, but i cant find the road... back to wonderland, where it all began."
"feels like it was a movie, that plays in my mind. shadows of a past life, wish i could rewind."

when did i learn to be so full of shame?
so inhibited and so suffocated?
it feels like i was more free in a sense
when i was writhing in pain and emptiness
but now that i have to have my head ******* straight on
to survive in this world on my own two feet
with everything i do, every step that i take...
shame engulfs me like a raging fire that came on with no warning.
even now, i feel ******* stupid writing these words

but in times like these,
i also feel completely and absolutely mentally ill, unwell, destroyed
and somehow, it's freeing.
i want to act like a lunatic
i want to make unidentifiable noises
i want to be called unstable
at least then i'll get a pass to be unhinged and absolutely myself
without the pretence of sanity and civil behaviour
without needing to be so painfully aware of the fact that 'we live in a society'
**** that
i am my entire society
i write the rules and i erase them
at my will

mentally ill, depressed out of my mind, numb as all hell, withering away
but completely and entirely free to be myself.
act out, lash out, scream, cry, crawl, hiss, flail, fail, growl
do it all
**** what anyone thinks
i'll do as i want.
i'll be me.
that's it.

Poems are but a
Mixture of words all jumbled
To create pure art.

Where are the pure souls?
Forgotten miserably,
Ashes washed away.

I want to love someone
Love someone so deeply,
I can draw their eyes
Plainly from memory.

I want to love someone
Love someone with so much heart,
I can hear their heartbeat
And create a piece of art.

I want to love someone
And gaze at the starry sky,
The rippled moonlit water
No room for another lie.

But I desire not
To love someone alone,
True love is not one-sided
No one ascends the throne.

I need not a perfect soul
I need someone with inner beauty,
I need not a rotten soul
Just one who loves me truly.

i want to
just lay without saying a word
no noise, no disturbances
just you, me and our thoughts running wild.
i want us to lay inside and
be each other's safe place
when the world is drowning.
you talk so greatly of things trivial to me
you don't stop to listen to what my mind speaks
im not complaining; i love your voice and articulation
but it would be nice if you gave me a chance to at least whisper.
true, im not the most interesting person
and i have obscure thought processes
and it's boring to be verbal about it
but i just get lost when you ramble on and on
and i can't fit the pieces together a lot of the time.
i'm sure you don't realize that i feel this way
and i'm far too apprehensive to tell you.
my head is a battleground between feeling unwanted
and reassuring myself that i'm just delusional.
i like to think i'm important to you
but i being my insecure self, almost never believe it.
i sound like such a sad sack
and i won't deny that i need constant reassurance
but rather than the world consoling me all the time,
it would be nice if only you, just you,
gave me the time and opportunity
to talk for once.
i adore you. and i know you don't feel the same way about me; i can't even persuade you.
but just let me tell you about myself sometimes, maybe you'll feel differently.
maybe.
sorry.

when you open your eyes
i see vast space
where your thoughts flail
like leaves on a windy day
when you begin to speak
i hear and old soul
with a lingering passion
to go on, move on, what next
your words burn me
like a cigarette on raw skin
they pierce through me
like a thousand icebergs all at once
and when you try letting go
and becoming someone else
i beg for you to return
and wrap me once again
with poetry and prose
cuss words and all
you are all the oceans
and galaxies
the whole universe
and what's beyond it
baby you
could be the hope for all posterity

you ran your tender nails
over all my scars.
but then i looked down
and there was
blood
**e v e r y w h e r e

you are electric blue,
charged up,
wreaking havoc like there's no tomorrow.

you are fiery red,
up in flames,
resisting change,
can't keep a straight face.

you are blood orange,
smiling through the pain,
a cheshire cat stare.

and you are sunset yellow,
soft and kind - the warm embrace of a lover.

you are a stroke of violet,
taking life as it comes,
slow, unwavering.

you are the pink of cheeks that blush,
a slow dance in the kitchen at midnight.

you are starry night black,
flawed and beautiful and eternal.

you are green swiveled into white,
serene, calm, still.

you are the full spectrum.

so do your dance and paint every empty canvas with your palette a different pattern every time -
this is why you are alive.

During his childhood
He found beauty in the sand
Now he rests beneath.

Physics
Velocity, acceleration and time
The speed, the distance
Travelled by a body,
Inanimate and lifeless.
A body that has to be controlled
A body that has to be in control.

Chemistry
Reactions, balancing and valency
Reaction between chemicals
Again in need
Of external control
In need to be in control.

Biology
Internal systems, senses and movement
The only subject
About life
The only subject
About being alive.

Yet, she feels
She is the physics
And the chemistry
She's lost self control,
She's no more herself,
Without the biology.

Although she's
Living,
She's still dead.
Although she's
Breathing,
She's still breathless.
Although she's
Walking,
She's still falling.

And although
She speaks through her mouth,
Thinks from her brain,
And bleeds from her vessels,
It isn't her behind
The words.
It isn't her behind
The thoughts.
It isn't her behind
The liquid.

If not herself,
Who is it?
If not her own mind,
Whose is it?

Have you heard of demons?
Not the ones
With horns and a tail.
Not the ones
With red skin.
Not the ones
Told in stories.

But the monsters
She feared as a child,
The monsters who lived
Under her bed.

The real monsters,
They dwell in her,
Feeding off her happiness
And drinking up
Her memories.

Scarring memories
Are the only ones they spare,
Leaving unhealed wounds
And taking sadistic pleasure.

She is controlled
By them,
She lost herself
She was forced to surrender,
She was forced to forget.

She had no choice
But to fall
And to stop living
For herself.

She is controlled
But not in control.
She is surviving
But not on her own.
She is alive
But in the grave,
Buried with flowers
And dirt to cover up.

How can everyone
Be so oblivious
To the dead girl
Amongst the living?

I have never had a valentine.
Yes, I had that one guy, that one time
But to him, it was just a
A valenti---- don't really love you kinda love.
A valenti---- wish it wasn't you kinda love.
And to me, it was a
Valenti---- really don't think I'm straight kinda love.
Valenti---- am SO uncomfortable, get me outta here kinda love.

I have never had a valentine,
Yes, I had that one girl, that one time,
But we were miles away from each other.
4,483 to be exact.
With her I felt great
For a while
Like a candle
At the end of its life
You can see the waltzing flame meet the quiet of night
Midnight
Should I stay up kinda night
Skype call kinda night
I love you but... I gotta go... kinda night.

I have never had a Valentine
And it's not because he didn't care enough
Or she wasn't close enough.
I've never had a Valentine because I'm either too much or just not enough
I'm insecure, so insecure of the way I talk, the way I walk, the way these two strands of hair stick out, the way this one tooth just doesn't stay in line, the child inside me made entirely of antidepressants and fries, the truths, the lies, the incessant goodbyes.
I've never had a Valentine and I'm lonely
As hell
I'm so lonely I'll fall in love before you blink,
I'll pick you up when you're standing still,
I'll spin you around like I finally made up my mind to do the laundry
I'll kiss you good morning and I'll kiss you goodnight
Tonight
Tomorrow
Maybe forever.
You see this
is my problem.
This passion
This raging forest fire of emotions
This racing broken heart of haunted suspicions.
You aren't perfection
You're my perfection.
In my dictionary, your name is scrawled into the definition of every positive adjective, every beautiful noun, everything that's not a frown.

You see when I imagine my valentine, I see stars in the sky
As cliché as that sounds, I see stars in the sky and her nose perfectly aligning with the moonlight,
Her eyes slightly unsure whether to meet mine
Her lips lightly quivering with her gaze falling on mine
Her fingers slowly inching up to the tips of mine
Her smile faintly turning into a garden of lullabies
The place I go to mourn my goodbyes and watch the sun rise.
When I think of my Valentine,
I hear her laugh turning into a snort, laughing even louder, her cheeks turning red, tears in her eyes.
And I laugh along, falling in love with every crinkle by her eyes, just hoping she's not dying inside.
Just hoping she's not just pretending to love me tonight. Praying she believes we're more than just alright.

I've never had a Valentine,
But I'm hoping
I'm really ******* hoping
Somewhere in this crowd
I might have changed your mind.