My eleven year old son decided to steal my car.
He drove to the theater and sneaked in to watch a movie that is rated R.
The film is about zombies who rise from the dead in a cemetery.
Now he has to sleep with a night light because it was so scary.
He has nightmares that make him scream every night.
He wets his bed and ***** his thumb because of fright.
His screams wake me up every night, I'm tired of having to get out of bed.
If the brat watches another R rated movie, I'll slap him upside his head.
My eyes are red and puffy because I haven't slept in three weeks.
I'm tired of changing his sheets four times a night when he leaks.
My wife blames me and she hits me so hard that I see stars.
My life is in turmoil because of a **** movie that is rated R.

You died twenty years ago today.
On February 7, 1998, you passed away.
You were born in 1910 and died at the age of eighty-seven.
Twenty years ago, you left this Earth and went to Heaven.

You became a widower in 1957 and had your kids to finish raising.
You finished raising your kids by yourself and that was amazing.
When you died, it was something that I hated.
You were my Papaw and you were appreciated.

We should thank God for each day we have to live.
We should thank him for every day that he gives.
He could take us twenty years from now or today.
Nobody knows when the good Lord will take us away.
But we should thank him for each day he gives to us.
We should thank him every day until we die when our bodies will return to dust.

Let me tell you about a neighbor of mine.
He had been my neighbor since 1979.
He had a loving wife and two children.
He has died but we will see him again.
His death is hard for his friends and family to face.
He's in Heaven now which is a far better place.
It's tragic because his life came to an end.
He was a great neighbor and a friend.
When I learned that he died, it was very sad.
But now he's in Heaven with my mom and dad.

It hasn't been the worst or best year that I've seen.
Tonight at 12 A.M., It will be the end of 2017.
The year 2018 will soon be here.
It will be the beginning of a new year.
I hope people will do better, I hope there will be less sin.
I hope that humanity will improve as the year 2018 begins.

This medication is called Trilafon or Perphenazine.
When I took it, I had the worst nightmare I've ever seen.
Life is something to be cherished.
But in December of 1996, I almost perished.
After my doctor wrote the prescription, I took the Trilafon.
If I hadn't been taken to the emergency room, I'd be gone.
Trilafon helps some people but it makes other people sick.
After taking this medication, I learned that I'm allergic.
I'd like to say it was all just a dream but it was real.
The doctors in the ICU saved me with Benadryl.
I foamed at the mouth and it felt like the Trilafon was burning out my brain.
I hope nobody else experiences this pain.
My doctor ticked me off when he wanted me to continue taking Trilafon with a side effect pill.
There was no way in Hell I'd keep taking it after being so ill.
Now I take a different medication and all is well.
It's much better to take Risperadol or Seroquel.
I was only twenty-five in 1996 and that would've been far too young to go.
If a doctor wants to prescribe you Trilafon, please say no.

Even though you complain because you have thirteen kids to feed,
You don't agree that a vasectomy is what you need.
You won't let a doctor get anywhere near your testicles to give you a snip.
You can't stop breeding like rabbits because you can't keep your pants zipped.
You could use condoms but you won't do that either.
You can't keep your hands off your wife long enough to take a breather.
Now you've learned that your wife is pregnant again.
And what makes it worse is that she's going to have twins.

Jim Nabors always said "Shazam", that was his catchphrase.
Because of his contribution to television, he deserves praise.
It was hard for him to watch the opening credits of Gomer Pyle because many of those Marines died in Vietnam.
We always know that he's on Gomer Pyle or the Andy Griffith Show when we hear him say "Shazam".
We also remember him yelling "Citizen's Arrest".
All of his fans are sad and they're also depressed.
He also starred in some movies, two of which were Cannonball Run 2 and Stroker Ace.
His friends, fans and family have to say goodbye, his death is hard for them to face.

Six Christmases ago, you were still alive.
The Christmas of 2012 was your last Christmas because you didn't survive.
That was the last Christmas that I was able to spend with you and Dad.
You died nearly three months later because the situation was so bad.

In 2012, you said it might be your last Christmas and sadly, you were right.
You shined like a star but that star faded, a star that shined so bright.
I thought you'd see more Christmases but I didn't know what the future had in store.
If I had known that it would be your last Christmas, I would've appreciated it more.

This will be the fifth Christmas that I'll be spending without you.
You always made Christmas better and that is certainly true.
The Christmas of 2012 was the last Christmas when you were still alive.
Merry Christmas Mom, I still carry you in my heart as Christmas of 2017 arrives.

It's Black Friday and I grabbed the last iPad.
When I grabbed it, it sure made people mad.
One man kicked me in the crotch and another got his foot stuck in my ***.
Black Friday turns people into beasts, they sure don't have any class.
A man said if I didn't hand over the iPad, he would kidnap my wife's mother.
I told him to take the old crow, they deserve each other.
Black Friday brings out the worst in people and that's sad.
I'll break my foot off in your *** if you try to grab my iPad.

We should be thankful to have our friends and relatives.
We should be thankful to God for every day we have to live.
When our turkeys are cooked and we start carving,
We should be thankful not to be in a part of the world where people are starving.
As we sink our teeth into the delicious pumpkin pie and tasty stuffing,
Please remember that some aren't so fortunate, they have nothing.
Before we eat our Thanksgiving meals, it would be nice for people to say Grace.
Without God, people wouldn't even exist, he is the creator of the Human Race.

Count Dracula lives in my attic and he has a casket for a bed.
He has bitten all of my family members and they're undead.
I've told many people but they don't believe my texts.
All of my family members are vampires and I'm next.

Dracula prowls during the night and returns before sunrise.
My family prowls with him but people think I'm telling lies.
I've kept the vampires away so far by locking my door and wearing garlic.
They haven't bitten me yet because they fear that I will make them sick.

I fear that sooner or later, I will be turned into a vampire.
I've looked online but I can't find a monster killer to hire.
I'm sick of hiding like a coward, I've had all that I can take.
I found a knife and I just got done carving a wooden stake.

Dracula is pounding very hard, he's trying to break down my door.
He has succeeded but I stabbed him through the heart and he just hit the floor.
Because Dracula was the original vampire, my family has died as well.
I feel so calm and relaxed because my life will no longer be a living hell.

Her name is Plum, she's six years old and she's a beauty queen.
But she and her mama are two of the dumbest people I've ever seen.
They are so dumb that they can't pronounce tornado.
Plum likes to eat her boogers and her mama is a ***.
Plum has a maybe daddy and his name is Boof.
He may not be her dad, they don't have any proof.
Plum's mama made her fight an alligator so she could get paid.
Plum won the fight by blowing up that alligator with a grenade.
This mother and daughter are a couple of hicks who are very silly.
Plum's mama is supposed to be a woman but I think she has a *****.
Plum's mama is an unfit mother and should be put under arrest.
Plum is the only six year old that I've ever seen who has *******.

If my dad had lived, he would be the big 7-0.
On this day, Dad was born seventy years ago.
Seven decades is how long he would've been alive.
But leukemia killed him, Dad did not survive.
He lost his life in 2013 on the 13th of July.
Dad would be the big 7-0 if he hadn't died.

G-O-D should stand for Great Omnipotent Dude.
When we are born again, we are renewed.
Great Omnipotent Dude is what God is and what he'll always be.
He is benevolent and noble and he means everything to me.
We should thank God for every day that we live.
It will please him if you're caring and love to give.
Our prayers are something that God doesn't ignore.
Great Omnipotent Duse is what G-O-D should stand for.

People use your popcorn in popcorn poppers.
You were the one and only Orville Redenbacher.
Sadly, you died twenty-two years ago today.
Your popcorn is still being eaten and it's here to stay.
People were sad when you died in 1995.
You're deceased but your legacy survives.

Even though I'm a fan of the classic Doctor Who,
I must say that I'm not a fan of the new.
I wanted and tried to like the new Doctor Who show.
But if people ask me if I love it, the answer will be no.
I grew up watching the Doctor Who classics.
Unlike the new, I thought those episodes were fantastic.
If other people love the new Doctor Who, that is fine and dandy.
But if it comes on my screen, I'll lose my TV because I keep my shotgun handy.
Please don't ask me to like the new Doctor Who or I'll puke.
When it comes to the new Doctor Who, it's something I rebuke.

We went to school together and were in the same grade.
You were such a good person that you deserve a parade.
Sadly, you died twenty years ago tonight.
You died in a car wreck and that wasn't right.

You haven't been forgotten and I hope you never will.
People suffered because your death was a terrible ordeal.
You had charm, class and you also had wit.
You were a good person and that is something that I'm proud to admit.

When I learned about your death, it was a devastating blow.
Your family and friends loved you and we hated to see you go.
You were only twenty-five, dying at that age wasn't fair.
We won't forget you because your friends and family care.

Ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do for God.
If you do something that will please The Lord, Angels will applaud.
Give somebody a Bible or take them to church with you.
If you introduce somebody to God, it's a good thing to do.

You can give God a gift by just obeying his Ten Commandments.
Pleasing The Lord is what we should be doing, it truly makes sense.
Offer to help clean your church or give them donations.
If you please God, he'll be happy, that's no exaggeration.

Today my Chihuahua and I celebrate our 4th anniversary.
But something happened two weeks ago that was scary.
I had to rush my dog to the vet because she was sick.
She almost died because she was paralyzed by a tick.
She couldn't move or eat and I was scared she would die.
I was afraid that I would end up having to say goodbye.
She got better after people prayed and there is one thing that I understand.
I'm celebrating my 4th anniversary with a wonderful dog and I'm a lucky man.

You were a mother who was both special and divine.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned sixty-nine.
I would give anything if you were still here.
Everybody loved you because you were a dear.

You died over four years ago and it was the worst thing I've ever been through.
When they said you'd die, I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do.
The day before you died, "I Love You" were the three words that I said.
When I saw you lying motionless, it was sad because I knew you were dead.

The doctors couldn't save you after you became ill.
It took two years for this heart of mine to start to heal.
I still miss you and I have something to say.
I'll always love you Mom, Happy Birthday.

I dumped SuperGirl because her ***** are hard as rocks.
They are literally harder than concrete cinder blocks.
I should've known they were hard because bullets bounce off of them.
******* that aren't soft should be a crime because it is so grim.
When I broke it off, she made my life a living hell
She burned down my house and ****** in my well.
If you think that was bad, you won't believe the other things that she did.
She lied to Social Services, she said that I abused my son and I lost my kid.
She put an end to my *** life when she used her laser beams to castrate me.
My manhood has been taken and no jail will hold the ***** so she's going free.
My life has fallen to pieces, I would give anything for some Kryptonite.
I would also want Batman's armor suit so I could **** that ***** in a fight.
Don't even think about dating SuperGirl, believe me when I say that it is no fun.
If you date her and break it off, you'd better have a Kryptonite bullet in your gun.

Batman has died and people are depressed.
The world has to say goodbye to Adam West.
He starred as the Caped Crusader for three years.
Before he went to Heaven, he had a great career.
He became the Dark Knight over fifty years ago.
He made a success of the Batman television show.
He was a reoccurring character on Family Guy.
His fans were both sorry and sad to see him die.
He was very talented but now he's being laid to rest.
Every Batman fan should be grateful to Adam West.

The Kmart has closed that was located in Morristown, Tennessee.
That's one less place where people can shop and that includes me.
This particular Kmart was built in 1974.
After being in business for 43 years, they closed their doors.
They were in business for over four decades, that's a long time to be around.
This makes five department stores in Morristown that have been shut down.
I had shopped at Kmart since I was a child but I can't shop there anymore.
It's a shame that they had to call it quits, it's sad that they closed their store.

The sadness that we are feeling is too painful to ignore.
People are very sad because of the death of Roger Moore.
He starred as James Bond seven times from 1973 to 1985.
All of his fans are mourning because he's no longer alive.
He became an actor who many people would admire.
In 1991, he starred in Bed & Breakfast with Talia Shire.
When he became an actor, he chose a career that would soar.
Sadly, millions are saying goodbye to the talented Roger Moore.

This is the fifth Mother's Day that has come around since you passed away.
I really miss being a part of your life on Mother's Day.
Billions of women are celebrating Mother's Day all over the Earth.
You became a mother about fifty years ago when you gave birth.
You gave birth to my brother in 1967 and four years later you gave birth to me.
You brought both of us into the world and you filled both of our hearts with glee.
You were a special mother and many people know this.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, you will always be missed

Erin Moran has died at the age of fifty-six.
She was special and a credit to all chicks.
She was adorable when she starred as Joanie Cunningham.
When a person dies that young, it's always hard to understand.
I learned about her death on Facebook and it made me feel bad.
When we learned of her passing, it was tragic and so very sad.
She had a wonderful figure and good looks.
When we watched her on Happy Days, we were hooked.
She died too young and her death has devastated her fans.
Sadly, we have to say goodbye to the talented Erin Moran.

Last month my neighbor lost his wife of thirty-three years.
Her friends and family are grieving and shedding tears.
She was sixty-three years old and Delilah Jane Webb was her name.
As her loved ones mourn, they realize that life will never be the same.
I feel sad and so do many others because she died.
I feel bad for my neighbor because he lost his bride.
When a person dies, it's always something that is hard to face.
It's giving her loved ones comfort because she's in a better place.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, it was certainly scary.
People had to say goodbye when she died on the 20th of February.

I have a puppy who loves to run and jump.
I have a Chihuahua that is named Trump.
He was born on the 14th of January and he's special indeed.
I now have two Applehead Chihuahuas, that is their breed.
Trump is some feisty and he's as cute as he can be.
He is my new pet and he means a great deal to me.
It's nice to have two dogs that are purebred.
I love both of my Chihuahuas who are Appleheads.

When I think about the past, I think about what a wonderful mother I had.
She died four years ago today and it broke my heart because it was so sad.
My mom has been dead for 1,461 days and 208 weeks.
Before she died, she didn't recognize people and she couldn't even speak.
Time flies, it doesn't seem like it's been four years.
My life would be better if my mother was still here
When a person loses a family member, it's rotten.
My mom is dead but she will never be forgotten.

When my family and I moved into this house in 1977, Dad was our patriarch.
For four decades I have lived in a subdivision that is called Crosby Park.
Today I've lived in this subdivision for forty years.
I was only five years old when I moved here.
When a person lives at a place for that many years, it fits like a glove.
This is where I'll live for the rest of my life and it's a place that I love.
I'll tell you why my place means more to me than it did just ten years ago.
It's because this place is now mine and there's no place like home.

If I ever get married, I'll put God first instead of my wife.
God is our creator and he's the most important in my life.
If I ever get married, I'll stand by my wife for better or worse.
But she will always come second because I will put God first.

Many people won't have eternal lives because of the way they behave.
But people can live forever if they do good and have been saved.
If you haven't been saved by God, I suggest that you do it now.
Don't risk losing eternal life, it's something you shouldn't allow.
If you're a big sinner, you can turn things around and be good.
If you're wondering if you should be saved, you definitely should.
If you haven't been saved, ask God to save you.
I've been saved and I love God and that is true.

God wants us to turn our enemies into friends.
Let the hatred for your enemies come to an end.
We should try to turn foes into friends even if we fail to succeed.
God will bless us if we try and that is exactly what people need.
When you talk to your enemies, please make an effort to be kind.
Even if they loathe you, it's possible for them to change their minds.
It may be hard to do, especially if you avoid your foes like they're diseased.
Turning an enemy into a friend will warm God's heart and he will be pleased.

Some people are celebrating while others feel devastation.
I am happy because today is Donald Trump's Inauguration.
It's what some people want and what others resent.
Donald John Trump is now our forty-fifth President.
I support him as his Presidency begins to advance.
I believe that he should be given the benefit of the doubt, he deserves a chance.

When children disobey their parents, they may not know it's a sin.
If more children went to church, they might not disobey again.
Churches teach children to obey their parents, that's what they should understand.
Even though Jesus had imperfect parents, he obeyed their every command.
If I had children, I would take them to church every week.
I would teach them that God will always be there even when life is bleak.
If your children won't obey you, take them to church every Sunday.
That might make them have more respect, it might make them obey.

I've been saying Grace before I eat for the last eighteen months.
But before I went to the Kingdom Hall, I never said Grace once.
Just two years ago I didn't thank God for my food.
I am so glad that I decided to change my attitude.
God could've put me in another location.
A part of the world where people are dying of starvation.
But God has been kind enough to see to it that I have food.
We should all be thankful to God, he deserves our gratitude.
The next time that you sit down to feed your face,
Please be thankful to The Lord, please say Grace.

After we die, the world will forget about me and you.
But God will never forget about us and that is true.
God will remember us after we die even if the world lasts a million more years.
God will feel pity for our loved ones who mourn our deaths and shed their tears.
God knew about all of us even before we were in our mothers wombs.
And he will eventually raise the dead, we will walk out of our tombs.
God will remember everybody and he'll prove it when we're resurrected.
When this happens, life will be glorious because God will see to it that everything is perfected.

God gets more angry as each day passes by.
His anger increases and I will tell you why.
People do stupid things that make no sense.
They gamble, fornicate and commit violence.
Many people sin against The Lord and lead lives that are ******.
They won't do what's right, they don't want to make God happy.
People who are big sinners must listen to my advice.
Unless they change, they won't be allowed to live in paradise.

God always listens when you pray.
He hears every word that you say.
Your prayers and faith are important to him.
He won't let you down even if things are grim.
Some times good people feel like losers but in God's eyes, they are winners.
If bad people change their ways, God will forgive them even though they were big sinners.
If you ever think that God doesn't listen to your prayers, please remember that isn't true.
God always listens and he wants to be a part of your life every day because he loves you.

Just one day after we lost Carrie Fisher, her mom died too.
I guess both the shock and pain was too much for her to go through.
Carrie died at the age of  sixty and her mom was eighty-four.
It's a shame that neither of them will be around anymore.
Many people were Debbie Reynolds fans and they thought a lot of her.
This has been a sad week because we lost both Carrie and her mother.

She was a writer and she also loved to act.
While she was on a plane, she had a heart attack.
I thought that she was getting better but sadly, she didn't make it.
Her fans are devastated by her untimely death, people can't take it.

She had many acting roles but she'll be best remembered as Princess Leia in Star Wars.
When a person dies, it's always painful and it's something that people can not ignore.
Everybody wanted her to get better and we were shocked to see her die.
Now all of her friends, family and fans grieve because we have to say goodbye.

Four years ago was the best Christmas that I've ever had.
I was able to spend the final Christmas with Mom and Dad.
It was Mom and Dad's last Christmas, they wouldn't have another.
I knew that Dad would die but I didn't expect to lose my mother.
After losing Mom and Dad, I had to get used to spending Christmas alone.
When Christmas Day of 2013 arrived, I had to tolerate being on my own.
Next Christmas you may be on your own like me but hopefully you will not.
Family is the best Christmas present so appreciate the family you've got.

Even though Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas, church is the best place to be on Christmas Day.
There is no better way to celebrate Christ than to be in church to worship and pray.
Being in church is the best way to honor Jesus and his father.
But many people never go to church, they don't even bother.
I'll be in church on Christmas Day, it's the best place for me to be.
It's the best way to honor Christ and I really hope that you agree.

Mom thought I would be a girl back in 1971.
She was surprised to learn that I was a son.
She was surprised but she wasn't disappointed in the least.
We were very close until the day when she became deceased.
When I was in Mom's womb, she thought I would be a girl instead of a boy.
But she didn't care, just knowing that I was a healthy baby brought her joy.

My neighbor is a responsible drinker, he won't drink and drive.
If other people were as smart as him, many people would still be alive.
Joe will not drive a vehicle if he has been drinking.
That is responsible behavior and it's also good thinking.
If you're about to drink and drive, remember Joe because he's an inspiration.
Driving while intoxicated is very dangerous and that is not an exaggeration.

There are celebrities who people idolize.
They may not know it but it's wrong in God's eyes.
Jehovah God is the only one who deserves to be idolized.
This may anger some people and some may be surprised.
It's okay for people to respect celebrities and to be their fans.
But we should idolize only God and never any woman or man.
We shouldn't idolize people because it's a terrible sin.
If you idolize somebody, please let it come to an end.

Joseph and Mary tried to find shelter but they were unable.
Finally, an innkeeper gave them permission to use his stable.
Jesus was born in that stable and Mary put him in a manger.
An angel appeared to Joseph in a dream and told him that Jesus was in danger.
An evil king was sending people to **** the Son of God.
The king who did this was none other than King Herod.
Mary and Joseph took Baby Jesus away, they had to flee.
Jesus and his family wound up living in Nazareth of Galilee.
Because Jesus was perfect, he was a man who people could trust.
Jesus and his father love us so much that Jesus died for all of us.

The Bible is a how-to book, it teaches people how to gain eternal life.
Please read it and share it with your children and your husband or wife.
It teaches us not to worship false gods and not to steal.
It teaches us not to commit adultery and not to lie or ****.
It teaches us that Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sins.
If you read the Bible and obey God's Ten Commandments, you will win.

Robert Vaughn's demise is something that billions of people deplore.
If he had lived just eleven days longer, he would've turned eighty-four.
Vaughn had the ability to make movies and TV shows enjoyable.
When we lost this great man, it was like losing a precious jewel.
When we watched him on the small and the big screen, it was always sure to please.
During his later years, he continued to act and he did commercials for attorneys.
If you visit Hollywood, you can see Vaughn's star on the Walk of Fame.
Because of his death, television and movies will never again be the same.