my back aches
to the sound
of
footsteps
climbing up our stairs.
i,
alert,
run to hide all contraband
for fear of losing everything.
swallow loose pills
you remember you told me you hate me?
oh ****
its just my sister

i have a confession
i am sick
(SICK of shame sick of cold sick of heart ache)
my tonsils feel swollen
throat blockedddddddddddddd
anger sits on top of my chest
preventing my dIAPHRAgm from expanding

and c       sing
         ollap

send a doctor
my time is near

sometimes I get tired. not the sleepy kind of tired but the
i
  can’t
           move
out of (that really comfy space ) in my bed
                 and
clean my room
kinda tired.
sometimes I forget about zoom meetings
because my mind is so occupied
wondering
but
sometimes I get tired

all my joy has
been thieved from me
stolen
tooketh
i have sat and compared and
looked up and down
examining beautiful girls
im supposed to look like them
but no
my joy has been thieved from me

the moon moves the
ocean of tears from my eyes
onto my pillow.
i lay drowing
longing for the beach
where i feel safe.

i sit with pixeled strangers
wondering if this is
the peak of
my life.
where has time gone.
why am i alone.
will i see you on the
other side.

you -ou -ou
told me to
hold
you
after you had broken
my arms

you never showed me how to love
instead I taught myself.

why do i love the suffering you put me through

everytime i hit this juul
it burns the back of my throat
the same sensation i feel
when i'm talking to you

10 pm
i saw this ******* tiktok she was so pretty
12:33 am
why does everyone my age look so much better than me
2:45 am
wow i look nothing like these girls
3 am
i'm going to starve myself and maybe i'll look right
4:56 am
positive affirmations. i am beaut-no. i can't compete
8 am
i can do better
10 pm
i saw this ******* tiktok she was so pretty

i can feel
the
v
  o
    m
   i
     t

of words
spilling from my finger tips.

onto this keyboard.
caused by sleepless nights
i can feel the
slow caress
of yawn spilling up my spine.
can you feel it too?

this site is a library
often I want to shhhhh some of
your comments
whisper yell in the replies

“poets are reading”
reflecting
then writing
“ ˢʰʰʰʰʰ”
you must remain silent

they say you are a dream
but baby we have nightmares too

i wonder how much coffee
no cream
no sugar
small glass just in case
will it take for you too notice me

i just want you in my bed with me
nothing ****** but
lust itching in the bed sheets

i want to feel your rib cage
E X P A N D
collapse
seemingly pause for a moment
while i worry where your breaths went

I want to feel relief when they return

to see the moon reflect against your purple skin
i want are arms to touch
to grasp you for warmth
i want to sleepily fight for my sheets

i want you again, here with

give me a shelf to put my heart in your chest and give it a home
I’ll even dust it off
put down a carpet
I can deal with the broken ones you have on it too

i dreamed that I was in hell
but i woke up lying next to you

they said
”uhuhuh imma buy a big gun
bazooka 47
and imma **** of dem zombies
cause dey
surely *******”
and i can’t say nothing to them
cause
i don’t know that they’re not coming
the way things going

I ******* hate him and the
way he makes me feeeeeel.

i used to save the messages where you complimented me
told me i was
beautiful
how my smile could warm the seven seas
things that I’d never heard before
so I would save them
because I thought I’d never hear these things again
but
now those messages hold up space
in my phone
because now I see the sharks you hid underneath the sea
and those words ate me up

i’m scared to love you wrong
cause nobody ever loved me right.

I want to wake up next to you
our calves on top of each other
hairs stand up each time your leg caresses mine
i want to smell your 3 and 1 shampoo
on top of my pillow cases
i want you and only you
I want for you to pull me
so my back touches your chest
and I can feel your heart beat
and i wonder why it’s so fast
I want to know if you’re thinking of me
dreaming of me
i want you.

i remember when I showed you my poetry
and you laughed at me

I tried to love you until the very end.
Until I had no more long to give
I loved  you even though you broke my heart into a million pieces
And swept me under the rug and pretended that I was not there
I loved you even though you left me hopeless and speechless and you hogged all my love for yourself
So
I could give love to no one else
I tried to love you until your tears dried
I even loved you when you had no such love for me.
I loved you until you made my voice box sore, leaving a weird feeling in my throat.
But then the end came
And I could love you no more
Because I had left no more love left for me

tired of having to learn lessons my daddy should’ve taught me.

******* HATE you
you SELF CENTERED SQUARE *** *****
you WILL NEVER FIND LOVE
BECAUSE you HARBOR NO LOVE FOR NO ONE BUT yourSELF
SEEK THERAPY you ******* KILLER.
KILLER OF SOULS
KILLER OF MEN
....

after that night
after you left
at 11:52 am
i cried
for two hours
not because it was bad
but because
i was scared
so so so scared
cause you had hurted me
gutted my innocence even though
I’d let you.
i thought I was ready
(as baked spaghetti)
i wasn’t.
i guess it’s my fault though.
(idk how it’s just always my fault)
and when i had to let you go
cause you were heer her hurting me
i cried till 11:52 am.
im sorry

hey. i want you to go.
i’m too broken for you.
you don’t want me—don’t need me,
do you?
I’m bad for you. a poison meant to be recognized as such and to be left alone.
i’ll hurt you.
you know I’m painful right?
don’t you see the wet floor sign in front of my bed!
get away before you slippppp in my tears.

i feel empty
like my inside have been taken out of me
and all the remains is a cool breeze of air
flowing between my rib cage and my heart
I look at other people
and I wonder if their internal temperature is also set to the fall season
and maybe I’m not just alone
and empty
but here I lie, in my bed, with the same quiet cold gush of wind inside

it took me a long time to recognize
that im broken
but not all of me just little small cracks
like a mishandled porcelain doll
shiny, white, fragile
don’t shake me too much
or try to pull my hair
because I will shatter

i always knew i was alone
but never knew that i was abandoned in my own heart

i had wished on that **** star
that you would not break my heart
but that got **** star ran ran ran away
with my wish and my heart
and left me here to stay awake

note to self
do not let him too deep in your heart
because he will steal your grandmas china
and runoff with the key.

been so conditioned to the
abuse that I set my mental timer to cry
b4 we must wipe away
my tears & fears
30 seconds

i can't **** myself yet
because I refuse to die a ******
a ****** it is

u hurted my heart
gave me little boo boos
in disguise for kisses
had me beggin for mama
u hurted my heart
and I pretended like it was fine

ga ga gimme
that anastasia(?)
anaAAA
(oh!) anesthesia
maybe it would numb the
(numb what)
the pain
(what pain ur unscathed)
left on my mind by YOU

my heart hurt
and i pressed on it
and on it i pressed
to see if it would numb the pain
but instead it left a bruise
the bruise it left

when we touch I see the dark tar on your skin seep into mine and still forget to remove my hand

it's hard to open the door when i don't know if there's tigers lions and bears awaiting my arrival

it's so hard to come out of the hole i'm in because it's 6 feet deep and i'm locked in a box with 2 tons of dirt on my chest.

a book focusing on the ill-controlled tempers behind the human connection.
you, begs the questions "why are you" "how are you" and "what do you" based off the cynical analysis of the life of a teenage girl (me)
the intent of these pages is to show the frayed wiring of the connections in life. my hope is by writing this book some engineer will come fix these wires.
news flash, no one has.

i think about if he thinks about us

i let him kiss my boo boos

it was not until
i had that bottle in my hand
did i realize that i had subjected myself to a life without God
i did not realize the emptiness this life contained
or the pain left to fester
until i looked at my self in the mirror and nowhere could i see the Jesus in me.
i knew then that my choice to live with God
left open wounds and empty hearts in me
because i knew that His presence presents
in love and joy in me
and without Him i am nothing.

you beat me so bad
i forgot if it was okay or not

you undress my mind with your eyes
see behind the walls surrounding my thoughts
and caress my worries and pain

i figured out that no one else is going to tell me i'm beautiful so i had to learn how to tell myself

i laugh when people tell me to
follow my heart
cause my heart is in my chest
so it really just follows me