This dark storm has been wreaking havoc within me for so long.  

It starts by twisting my thoughts and feelings upside down,  

Bending the truth so that all that remains are lies.

Then it tightens my chest and my throat

Making it nearly impossible to catch a breath,  

I pant, pant, pant, just for a single breath of air.  

This tornado lands on my ribcage and settles there a while,  

weighing what seems to be a thousand pounds.  

Breathe, breathe, breathe, please!  

Then the destructor settles on my eyes and covers them,  

making it difficult to focus my sight and see clearly,  

The reality around me blurs,  

see, see, see, now...  

Now it decides to zap my body  

so that I shake, shake, shake as if it's 0° outside.  

I curl up into myself and roll back and forth.  

Through all this movement in my body,  

the lies never stopped waging war in my mind.  

Like the sounds of swords being sharpened before battle,  

the terrifying noise sends a shudder to my very bones.  

My body and mind are so weak and tired from this relentless torment.  

At the first signs of battle, I try to fight back with the truths I've been told since my youth,  

but the enemy keeps pulling and pulling at me.  

Little by little, my strength wears down,  

and the only response I can seem to find to the lies is...

Submission.

these same negative thoughts are on an endless loop in my head,
not constant, but nearly,
any hint of sarcasm or negative comments about me begin the whole process of self-destruction and hatred in my head.
when i get out of the loop, i just feel tired and numb,
like i just got done with a fist fight and came away with a few bruises and cuts on my face and fists.
i believe in a God who heals, but its hard to hold on to hope and to see the good in myself when I feel like a constant burden due to these fistfights in my mind.
any positive affirmation feels like a bandaid put on my deep cuts and bruises, somewhat helpful but they can't fix the damage already done.

last night i told you all the spiralling thoughts i had Tuesday night,
all the crying and feelings of weakness and helplessness,
the thoughts of not being good enough, self-harm, and so much more.

you cried and held me tight.
i felt numb, but i felt bad that i made you cry.
that vulnerability and knowing that you really see me makes me uncomfortable.
it makes me wonder how you could possibly love me if you truly see me,
because how i see me, i don't see how that's possible.
but nonetheless, somehow you do,
which i know is a testament of God's love and work through you,
but i don't understand it.

sometimes i wonder if he loves me more than i love him,
if he loves me more than he ought for who i am,
and yet in other moments i think he doesn't enough,
that he doesn't truly care at all.

i thought these doubting and overthinking thoughts would be gone by now, over a year into our relationship and engaged,
yet, my brain persists to doubt.

i remember the days when i'd spend hours painting, journalling, just enjoying being alone,
and now...i'm afraid of the thoughts that may enter my head during those spaces.
constant spirals of reminders of all that is or could be broken inside of me.
i'm told of god's grace and love,
and i know these truths,
but to truly believe is completely different.
how do i stop striving to make myself holy?
lovable?
good enough?
why can't it just be a simple switch one can turn on and off?
it's a whole new rewiring of neurons and thought patterns.
where do i even begin to change?
it seems so daunting and overwhelming

words cannot describe this woman i know,
but I will try anyways.

this girl has been by my side for 6 years now,
she's seen me at my lowest and at my highest.

i believe God put her in my life to bring me closer to Him,
and to learn how to love more like Jesus, to love Gilmore Girls, to lean into my passions, and so much more.

what more can I say about this woman?
she's truly a gift from God to all who meet her.
she lights up the room as she walks in, she loves God so much, she loves others fiercely, she has so much depth and creativity bottled up inside her, compassion flows through her words, she is one of the smartest people I know and one of the best examples of selflessness I've ever seen.

there is so much more to this girl right here,
but words, a man-made concept, things made up of a few letters here and there, are simply not enough to capture an amazing creation like that of Katrina.

i grew up watching the movies and shows
with the sweet, grounded girl
who saves the reckless boy.

the boy tries to run away because
of his past and his fears,
but the girl always helps him come back.

i always thought i'd be the girl,
but with us,
i'm the one who fights feelings
of just wanting to run away,
you're the one who brings me back
and listens to what i'm scared of.

i can see you slipping,
slowly but surely,
you don't ask for help,
don't see how it can be made better,
i try to help,
but really what can i do other than
love and pray for you.

my dear,
it hurts to watch you slowly drown,
rushing through life,
undergoing the pressure.

im scared for what will happen to you,
im scared we will drift apart,
never to be drawn close again,
im scared you'll go too far.

every conversation feels timed,
like every word has to be perfectly chosen.

i don't want to burden you if i need something
or if something is on my mind.
i want to help you the best i can,
but its exhausting for me too to see you keep
struggling and none of my efforts or prayers seeming
to amount to anything.

i know i ought to keep up the hope,
God will provide for you
and teach you something in the process,
its just hard to watch the one i love the most
slipping away and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

God,
Help me believe You're using this brokenness in me for a reason.
Help me see Your good ways and plans for my life.
Father,
You see my pain, it feels too much to bear many days.
It feels like an endless cycle, fighting it feels so hard.
Help me have hope in You.
Help me see myself more the way You see me, Lord.
Creator,
I know You created me with amazing creativity and with good gifts.
Help me to honor that and see that more than the way I currently am seeing myself.

i don't like myself like this
i feel useless to those around me
like a burden and a neusence.

even when he tells me he loves me,
i find reasons why he can't possibly
or give excuses in my head why he'd say such a thing.

i don't like that i tell myself all these things daily,
but i don't think i'm worth fixing my mental thoughts for.

my sensitivity lately, my anxiety, my depressed days,
i feel like a mess.

i know God uses us,
brokenness and all,
but it feels terrible.

i feel unmotivated,
undeserving of love,
a *****-up,
a burden after all.

fear
panic
danger
get out.

heart racing,
can't catch my breath,
hand rubbing against my thigh repeatedly,
pulling my knees up to my chest and holding my body so tight, it hurts,
i can't think logically, only fear and loss of control ensues.
my own thoughts tear me apart and scare me.

the only real danger is in my thoughts,
so how do i get out?

when he gets frustrated and looks at me like that
rolls his eyes,
pushes me away,
i get scared he'll be like my dad.

i watched my mom pour out her heart and soul for years
just to love my dad

i dont want that

sometimes i wonder if im even meant to be in a relationship
im a sensitive and empathetic soul
i hurt easily
i overthink easily
i love easily
i'll love til i'm all out
where's the line?

Long-standing traditions, nowhere to be seen
Parents separated by an ocean,
I'm grateful for the family and friends I do have,
but this Christmas just doesn't feel right.

Where are the Christmas markets?
Where is that joy I've felt every other year?
Where is that sense of wonder and hope?
Where is the laughter and freezing of fingers?
Where are all the things I remember that always made up my Christmases?

I seek to always be grateful for what I have,
but the truth is,
this is hard.
and maybe that's okay to admit

give it a name,
makes it all too real.
is it true?
is that really what it was?
i was too young and didn't know different
is that what happened to me?
whats the difference if I accept this name into my life or dismiss it?

Lord, watch over my heart.
Right my mind, if it wonders.

Lord, I pray this man is of You if he is for me.
God, keep my heart pure and righteous as I get to know his heart.
Father, help me be watchful of his actions and fair and just, not letting my heart be swept away by fleeting things.
Lord, I pray this is something true and different and pure and good.
God, I pray you keep us in your hands and keep us safe.
Father, keep us pure and holy, blameless before your eyes.

Lord, I know he loves you.
It's evident in everything he does.
He loves all these kids so well.
He is hard working and always willing to serve.
He is loyal to those he loves.
He trusts in you, Father.
He is bold and confident in you.
He's not afraid to lead and to speak his mind.
He is a thinker, and he carries a deep heart.
But somehow he keeps the room light-hearted, always, with his humor.

God, make it evident to us both if this is a gift from you.
Father, lead us to make good decisions and to be wise.
Lord, keep us safe and pure and honest.
God, we trust in You to lead us in Your marvelous ways.

sometimes i wonder if ill ever find that one guy,
the one who will hold me tight on the darkest nights,
the one who wont judge me for who I was and sometimes still am,
the one to laugh with til we're both in tears on a Friday night.

I'm not asking for "the one", my night and shining armor,
just a good guy who'll love me and God right.

there are so many good guys, but none seem quite right.
and I don't think that's me being picky.

so maybe ill never find that guy,
and I'm trying to deal with that fact.
to find comfort in your arms alone, Father.
because at the end of the day, You're all I need.
but that fear and daunting thought still persists.

in these times when the pain of my own heart
and the world around me feels overwhelming,
when the future feels unsure and daunting to step into,
when my plans keep changing and the world somehow
keeps spinning into madness,
Father I know you have a plan,
and that your plans are good.
That if I'm alive on this earth,
your plans for me are not complete yet,
but God sometimes I wish they were.
Sometimes I wish with my whole heart that I could
just be held in your arms already.
To be surrounded by complete peace and forego the striking pains of life.
Father, sometimes I wish You'd take me away from this place.
Either by cancer, an accident, or otherwise, sometimes I pray nothing else other than to not exist anymore.

what we had wasn't bad by any means
but I think relationships are meant to be more than that

we have immense love and care for each other
and we'd both do anything for one another

but where's the fire?
the passion?
the fight?

what we have is a best friend-ship,
not a relationship

stuck between wanting to show you my whole heart
while hugging you in your black-wornout-denim jacket oh so tight
and
holding my heart tight to my chest and talking about the weather.

i want to be close to you again, but i know we can't go back.
i don't want to break my heart again.

right now,
i could be singing my soul out into the wind
and one little drop of rain
could shut my mouth and reduce me to ashes

right now,
my life is so very fragile.
it takes so much to make me happy,
and so little to tear me down completely.

i know our love wasn't perfect by any means
but i can't help looking at you now
now that its all over
and a sense of loss creeps over me

i can't help but thinking of what could have been
and all those adventures that are now just reduced to memories
of once a very good thing

its funny how just a month ago,
home to me was found in your arms.
home was your sweet smile when you looked at me,
and now where are we?

as distant as the earth is from the sun.
nowhere to be seen.

although we ended because of so much more,
i always think of the what ifs...

what if you had fought for me?
what if you had tried a little harder?
what if you had opened up a little more?
what if I had slowed down a little?
what if...

but at the end of the day, the results are the same.

as much as i want someone's hand to hold again
i'm scared
scared to open my heart again and share all my secrets once more

i crave deep conversations, yet right now,
i can't seem to start them

i shared so much with you,
more than anyone else
and now, just like that,
you're like a stranger to me

nobody told me how it'd be in the aftermath
how i'd miss you most as my friend
how my heart would ache for that connection
how i'd seek that out again and feel like i'm cheating

nobody told me how long it'd take you to get over me
and how i'd be ready sooner for a friendship than you

how i'd feel like a wreck one day and perfectly fine the next
the aftermath is a mass of emotions,
piled one by one on top of one another

but truth is,
i just miss you for you.

dear,
the world was against us this time,
but maybe the love we've lost
will return to us in due time.

a love so pure and so good,
full of compassion and laughter,
is now found only in memories.

whatever happens,
know you'll always be in my heart.

all the tears have flooded out of my eyes,
no salty water is left in those scarlet and white spaces.
like a drought carrying on for months on end,
i'm left tearless because of you.

i feel nothing but emptiness inside,
all my feelings have been spent today.

saying goodbye to something so good,
you,
has left me breathless and vacant of any feeling.

ive entrusted you with so much of my heart
i felt safe with you by my side no matter where we were

i said those three little words,
and now everything has changed.

i see the way your eyes light up
and how you reach to hold me tight
darling you can't tell me you don't love me.

yet you said you were sorry,
you couldn't say them back.

this christmas doesn't feel right or real.
i'm not surrounded by my friends and family this year,
just me and my parents.

and i've been so busy that i haven't been able to fully celebrate and catch up to the reality of jesus's birth.
what a marvelous thing,
yet it doesn't feel real at all this year.

this christmas doesn't feel quite right,
yet through it all,
i'll do my best to be grateful and celebrate this beautiful day.

dear, you have made me believe in love.
i thought i always had, but i believed in a conditional love that could never last.
you make me feel like this can last a lifetime, and i want it to.
its so early, but i love you.
and when you look at me like that
and when you laugh at me when i say something stupid,
i know you do too.
i couldn't have asked for a greater love than this one,
and i'm so grateful for that and for you, my dear.

its easy to fake it when you have no time
its easy to act okay when you're so focused on the people around you
i've become so good at pretending, it seems i've even fooled myself.

doubt creeps in when i realize how few people have stuck by me.

i don't have those childhood friends that i can rely on for anything
i have amazing people who have walked into my life, but how well do i really know them?
what if they just leave me?

sometimes i doubt
i doubt who i am
is who i am perceived to be who i really am?
i doubt the people around me
i wonder if i made the right decisions
i doubt god's goodness to me

how lucky am i?
i wake up every day and still can't believe it.
you're mine.

my past and my doubts still tell me you'll run away,
but i trust you,
and i know it's not true.

you make me feel safe,
treasured,
cared for.

you make me smile like no other,
you're my best friend first,
and my lovely boyfriend second.

the distance isn't fun,
i want you right by my side,
but i know it'll only make us stronger.

you remind me of who God tells me I am.
i love the dork you are,
your silly jokes make me laugh
though we both know they're stupid.

and guess what?
i get to call you all mine.

i can't promise forever,
but i can promise for now.

for now,
there's no one who compares to you.

dear,
you don't have to worry.
it's only you on my mind.

you're the one i want to hold,
the one i want to spend my time with.

i'll wait for you,
i can't promise that for years,
but i'll wait for now.

for now,
you got me,
but above all else,
you got God on your side.

maybe it's not time right now,
but that's just for now.

i know the day will come,
i know this is right.

but for now honey,
i'll wait and i'll grow with you.

i'll get to know your heart,
while the distance pulls us apart.

for now,
it's just for now.

someday i'll be with you,
but that's not now.
and that's okay.
because that's just for now.

i've been left so many times,
i'm just waiting for that moment to come with you.

i trust you more than most people,
yet i still expect that of you.

i have this urge to leave
before you leave me,
why can't i just stay?
am i afraid to see what will happen?

Father,
help me to lose control more
as foolish as that may sound,
help me be at peace with
giving control to you.
help me trust You and Your
oh so good plan more and more.
I am in Your hands,
so why would I not trust you?
let me let go, Father.
restore in me a peaceful heart,
one that i once had,
i know with you it's not impossible.

sometimes it's all a bit too much
this world spins so fast
i can't keep up with the rush
they say it'll all be a blast

but all i feel is the weight on my chest
maybe this life is all but a big test
see who can survive all the trials
even if there are no more smiles.

i know in my heart that this is good,
that you are right,
but doubt fills me up like never before.
what if its all for nothing?
what if you change your mind?
what if this is dumb?
i like you
you're one of my best friends
but what if?

that girl,
the one who is vulnerable and honest,
sweet and sarcastic,
tries to love unconditionally,
sees the best in others,
but not herself,
burns herself out
trying to be good at everything,
tries to put God above all else,
but always feels like she's failed,
longs to be loved,
but when love comes her way,
she doesn't know how to truly accept it.

but that girl is learning
she's growing
she's leaning on God
and trying to navigate all of this.

Father, keep me wise.
Keep my eyes on You.
Life is moving way too fast.
So much good around me.
I see You everywhere.
In a stranger's smile,
in the wind blowing through the trees,
I see You holding my hand.
But even with all the good,
evil seeps in.
Keep my mind and heart pure.
Protect me from Satan and his darts.
Through You, I know I am safe.
With You by my side, I can do so much more than on my own.
There's never a moment when You're not near my heart.
Keep me wise, Father.
Keep me safe.
Keep my eyes on You, let not the world take over my heart, only you, Lord.

heart pounding in my chest,
the words slowly slip off my lips,
with fear gripping my stomach tightly.

i've never been so vulnerable
and that's the scary truth.

that deafening silence made me want
to go back in time,
but what was to follow,
was well worth the wait.
you said you felt that same.

peace and joy overflowed in my heart
making it hard to say anything more.

but in that moment,
nothing else needed to be said.