its like walking in to a dak woom with no lights room and deperately looking for a light swiththat isn't there.
Like chiking on every word you say, terrifie of the resoce that spills through your ****** cracks=ed lips.
I cant close my eyes.
i see nothng at all.
I feel it all.
Everthing in its place that;s not supposed to be there.
walls necorted wall decortate with fist chaped wholesand shatter glass judt lkr nre carpet.
I close my eye and i see his face.
All of the face.
His long beard cover in whiskey, her thin hair, the way she said, "im going to kiss you  like adults do."
It swollows me whole.
It take my minutes, my hours, my days stripped away from me.
I am nothing to be to be cared for,
I am nothing but dissasociated mindlessness.
You stole it all from me.
Every part of me was ripped away like fragibe bir bines.
Drape me in this body bag of satin sheets.
I'm too sick. Like a flu in my mid.
there is not cure.

I found it.
I found the secret.
The secret that i once held so tightly while running bare foot through the forest.
Along the way i must have stashed it between the trees and bushes while darting towards my made up castle.

It took 20 years to catch my breath.
Slowing coming to a stop, I lifted my head to see where I had ended up.
Only to find a kingdom, but not the one I had made.

No part of my mind could have ever created a beauty such as this.
But this was the secret.
The forgotten, familiar secret that left my hands empty.

Still short of breath, feet still aching, naked among the vines.
Without another thought, here is my entirety.

Clothe me in the leaves and branches that stand so tall above me.
The leaves and branches that fill my lungs with oxygen.
Just as the hair on my arms and the back of my neck stand up with the gifted chill, let the moss sprout from those very pores.
May my crown rise to the galaxies, just as the redwoods relentlessly reach for the clouds.
Pushing cold stones into my own 4th gift, mesmerized by the unknown reality.
My roots digging, growing, stretching, twisting to the bottoms of the soil.
These feet have caved to crave the texture of the deepest grounds.
Standing among the water of the tallest of falls.
Just like coming home.

There was no secret, the secret was home.

The home of a vagabond, once worn like badge of honor.
I want the wanderlust to ends, overwhelmed by the nurture.
The nurture of the forgotten mother.
A forgotten home.
This is home.
This is where it's always been.

Just as the fern never stopped growing beneath my skin, I return the gift with my complete being.

Swiftly married to the endless forest of pines.

I am the floor of the deepest ocean.
I am the cap of the highest mountains.
I am the rain that kisses your face.

I am the grass that grows beneath your bare feet while running through the forest.

I am clothed.
I am grounded.
I am whole.

This is where it has always been.
Stashed between the trees and bushes.

A forgotten home.
A secret kingdom.

This vagabond soul found that home hidden within the frame of my very own twig shaped bones.

Last night a man stood outside our apartment building screaming.
Yelling every thought & response to each conversation that filled his sick mind.
Nothing falling from his lips made any sort of sense to the audience of bothered listeners.
I however, could have listened to him for hours on end.
Windows wide open.
Only separated by netted screens.
I listened.
Calmed by the shaking echos of his nonsensical narrations.
I listened.
Almost envious of the certainty in his voice.
His lack of mindfulness beckoning my lack of perception.
The unseen canyons of my subconscious now flooding with his translation.
How twisted is this head of mine to desire my own abiding, blustering interpretation.
One that echos my own nonsensical narrations.
Just listen.
Only filtered by netted screens, with windows wide open.
Just listen.
And to the conversations that fill this sick mind, I wish i could just listen.

What they did not see is that I am only bird bones.
Fragile and lifeless.
Feathers ripped away by the hungry.
Born into survival and not of grace.
Lay still and small. They will pass by.
Let down by their hopes of a put up fight.
Like a wishbone. Snapped with little pressure.
I lay draped in a body bag of mattress sheets. I am swallowed whole by the soil of the silk stitching.
My last articulated thought only being that some how these bones had been exposed by some quick and painless experiment.
Eyes open. Skin rotting. Eaten alive from the inside out.
Bare. Inert. Uninhabited.
This leather skin, stretching so very very thin.
Deepening the hollowed valleys of my depleting coffer.
My only remains are of fragile, lifeless, bird bones.
Ripped away by the hungry.

I pulled the shirt over your head and helped you put your arms through the sleeves. My very last unstained shirt draped like a dress over your tiny body.
The calm of bottles shattering and bodies slamming into walls never once lifted our heads from the empty dinner table.
It was moments of stillness that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Those moments meant darkness.
Unexpected visitors.
Strangers turning into infatuated demons.
Ripping at the skin of inconsistent consistency that built this toy frame of mine.
Within this secret, I know where to hide. To keep you safe and unseen.
If even for the moment, I can hold your face and cover your ears.
It was only a matter of time.
Only a matter of time before the secrets of these walls made the faces of the residence unrecognizable.
Quickly crawling through the sopping mountains of clothes. Follow me to the tunnels and trenches.
Keeping quiet in every nook and closet.
Like hide and seek, running from monsters.
The adrenaline thrilled you while the reality crippled me.
Keep your eyes closed tight and your ears always covered.
My back pushed hard against your hinged knees. Hiding every piece of you for no monster to see.

It's crawling under my skin.
Growing larger in my rib cage.
It's this feeling I hate.
When I know it's coming.
Like watching a **** begin to crack.

I filled the floor with broken glass and ***** clothes. I dropped a pitcher of something on the carpet. The shower is on and my clothes are soaking wet.

I'm suffocating on the secrets of June 15 1999.
My grey walls turned dusty brown.
My pumpkin candle turned to stale cigarettes and moldy food.
Heavier and heavier.

Again.

In the morning I'll ask you to replay the
night and try to piece this all together.
I obsess over the tiniest details that I have dragged out of my subconscious.
Descriptions and words spilling from my lips, fleeing like escaped prisoners.
Although the fugitives legs will never grow weak from running to the sun, his cell walls will stand tall behind him, waiting for his return.

The moon is calling and I don't have enough duck tape to patch this **** together or the key to break these shackles from my ankles.

I brace myself for the weight.
Growing larger in my rib cage.
Heavier and heavier.

Take notes this time, for when the morning comes, I'll ask you to replay the night and try to piece this all together. Clue by clue, I'll find a secret.

It's gone.
All of me.
No voice. No motions. No thoughts. No conversation.
It's packed and shipped away.
I'm screaming to the blank faces that circle around me.
But their words are too vibrant to recognize my echo.
I'm gone to sea with no plan to return.
Push me away.
I want it.
I need it.
I crave to be gone.
All of me.
Let silence consume the world that bind my feet to this rotted soil.
I want it.

While my mind is whirl wind of thoughts, images, emptiness, memories, and absence...
my body is calm and collected.
Well worded and poetic.
A rhythm of consistency and gentleness.
My body is smooth and comforting while my head spins uncontrollably.
My skin is quiet while my muscles are numb and my bones are shattering.
Ear to ear my smile glows but the blood spills through the breaks between my teeth.
This is what it is and this is how it's been.
I don't want pity, I just want days.
Deep days with quiet emotions that carve far beneath my veins.
I want a salty cry to swell in my throat and begin to crawl above.  
Not to feel emotion but just to feel alive.
To be human.
To feel the air in my lungs and the tension in my fists.
To feel present and connected.
To be here and now.

I wish I could fix you.
I wish I could smooth all of your worry wrinkles.
I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, and actually mean it.
But the secrets of your sadness are deeper than I have ever known and I can't fix it.
You are the only hope I have ever lost, the only need I always refused and the only soul i have ever rejected.

Too much of you has withered away.

When we speak, our words are only those of distance. Desperately searching for conversation.
Have I never known you because your face is not one of a mothers, but a sad and broken stranger.
I can not fix you.
But you said that i was the one that needed fixing.  

So what if none of this was real.
& the only standing truth was every word you ever said.
Every letter was my contradiction.
& every day was my false fantasy.
This pit I've crafted so perfectly was nothing but curtains and cotton ball clouds.
This was only a script I've memorized a thousand times.
& behind it all was the dream you've always vowed.

But that's not it.
Because the playbill says that you were cast to fool the crowd.

Unfortunately, the fabric of your costume can not withstand your fables.


I did anything i could to see those lips move to the shape of a crescent moon.  
To watch the color of your pale skin turn blush. To keep your secret safe.

I breathed every ounce of air I had into those shriveled lungs.

I did everything I could to fix you.  

But I, can not fix you.

How politely you greet me.
Just like a gentleman.
Silently you waited, expecting my arival.
Here I am, eyes dried open.
Hello 2am.
Are you ready for my spiral?

If I could unravel the knots that bind these bones, my fingers would grow numb.
My wrists would crack.
My flesh would age.
& strand by strand I'm tied to be undone.

All in hopes the roots that thrived would begin to thirst again.
Gripped around each twig of mine, I race against constriction.
Pulling every which way.
Stalking every traveled end.
Unbinding every corner of this mindless, commanding restriction.

I can't breathe today.
Too many words trapped in the back of my throat.
No room for air.
The only thing these words are filling is empty rooms.
These letters take too long to leave my tongue, no one seems to wait around to see this finished product.

Last night.
I felt the walls closing in.
I felt my throat swelling shut.
I felt the scream inching to the back of my mouth.

Everything stood still and quiet as my head bounced back and forward, left to right.

Stop crying.
Stop ******* crying.

My hands are running up my sides to the only place they seem to fit perfectly. Gripping around my neck just tight enough to feel the tension.

I'll keep my eyes open so the darkness wont consume me.
Because i'm scared.

Please wake.
Please.
******* wake up.

It's this lump in my throat that seizes to be swallowed.
The missing thoughts in my mind that keep me from reality.
There are burns on my wrist from the ropes that bind them.
My mouth is shut tight from the tape that conceals it.

It's the screaming in my head and the ringing in my ears.
The shake in my hands and the ache in my feet.
There is a burning in my muscles from the tension in my body.
My deserted frame is collapsing.

It's the filth in my bones that wont wash away.
The haunt of 2:00 am that relentlessly feeds this exhaustion.

I can't cry anymore.
I've lost every counted hour of sleep.
No words can form any sensical sentences.
I'd go weeks without talking if you'd let me.

I don't know where I've gone but I know its not here.

Some days I wake up brave enough to tell the world every secret hidden in my being.

But other days I wake up to mend myself to the walls and blend in to every corner of the room.

I can't breathe enough to stay alive much less muster up the words to carry a conversation.

I've become the pale shade of gray that meets the wooden floors and white ceilings.

Let me stay here. Hidden among the walls.

One day you will know.
One day you might understand.

Any averageness you ache for, you will not find here.
No organization, nor solidity.
I am a whirlwin of inconsistency.

My thoughts are never ending.
My body is never resting.

These feet will never settle on solid ground.
This soil will always forbid it.
Like sinking sand, it embodies me if I give in to its suddle ease.

I'll run my race.
This never ending pursuit of wholeness.

You can't keep up.
Your desire is what keeps this earth above your eyes, where every other living soul chooses to reside.

Shuttering in the in between.
Trying to search for some sort of normalcy.

Some place I'll never know.
Some place I've never been.

No sort of consistency has ever maintained me.

No established foundations.
No branching deep roots.

No part of me has any sort of regularity or normality.

It is how it has been, it is how it will always remain.

Stop trying to understand my mind as if its a math problem with a complicated, definant answer.

Its hard enough trying to make sense of it myself, I can't explain it anymore.

A never
ending tread.
Keeping my
head above
every roaring
wave.

I can only hold my breathe for so long.

I cant choke on this air for much longer.

What is this emptyness?
What is this hollow shell.

So easily swayed to another's happiness.

When will I be whole.

When will i feel my very own emotions?
When will I finally fall in love with being present in this body so graciously given to me?

But here I stay.
In this room, on a hospital bed, and to think, its my 22nd birthday.

I'm consumed with exhaustion.

Just to carry on a conversation takes every part of me to form a single word.

How long will it be this time?

I am the thinnest of glass, fragile as hell.
Barely alive but still standing.

I'm so tired.
Tired of living.
Tired of dying.
Tired of just being so tired.

To not feel is a curse.
& to feel is a blessing.

But what is the in between?
Exhaustion I think.

I'm just so tired.

All of your words,
you some how break me
so dangerously
and gracious.

Learning to love every broken part of me is the hardest trial I have ever faced.

I've trained myself to only shed light on others when the power had shut off completely inside of my being.

How gracious and patient this love has sufficed.

How slow, long, and drawn out this war has been.

A constant, unnoticed war partaking relentlessly inside of me.  

With my hands to the air, I give up and give in to this unending fight.

This unfamiliar, insane, radical love.

Please catch me if you see me falling.

Stop me before I've lost my sanity.

I'm slipping quietly and quickly.

Don't let me go.

There is no place I can't look,
No feeling I can't sense,
No fragrance I can't smell,
that doesn't bring you here.
To life.
Right beside me.

How awful this feeling is.

To be so out f control if something so controlling.
Something taking over my being.

My stomach flipping, my eyes watering, my fists clenching.

How can you be so gone but so present?

The weight on my back has broken every bone in this body of mine.

When will this end?

When will I be strong enough to crawl out from under this bolder?

Why do I find such comfort in this shattered being?

I don't want it.
Make it end.

"Close your eyes" you said.

Maybe it will all go away
but still I feel it all.
I can feel your hands in all of the places they are not supposed to be.
I can hear all of the words you're not supposed to say.

Closing my eyes was no safe place at all.

At least when they were open you weren't a monster made up in my 8 year old mind.

You were a person.
Another human being.

Yet still a monster doing all these things monsters do.

Like a nightmare when you do everything in your power to scream but no sound comes out.

A living nightmare with my eyes wide open.

I'll create my self in such a way that is beleieveable.
In a way that looks alive.

But honestly I'm far from it.

I'll put make up on this face and clothes on this body.

Trying to convince the world I am at peace.

I am a corpse, if I'm telling the truth.

Touch me and you'll see.
You'll watch this body crumble.

But I'll fool you good.

Your consistency is never ending &
your grace is unfailing.
Your presence is as promising as the morning & your light is like the moon.

I will love you for all of my days just as you have loved me.

Your words are a flame
that set me on fire.
Your touch is a river
that floods me.

Its been 3 days so far.
3 days of nothing.
I feel nothing.
I feel no sadness, no happiness,
No motivation.
I am nothing.
I feel trapped.
There is a part of me screaming to break free.
Well really I'd just like to think there is.
I'm so numb.
I want to care enough to wake up.
But I don't.
Please wake me up.

Something about the ocean that draws the most emotion out of my being.
I can stare for hours at its beauty.
The way it's never ending and unstoping maybe.
I'm so envious of its consistency and mystery.
How beautiful it sleeps and how gracious it awakes.
To be one with the sea is happiness to me.

I'm pass the point of no return.

There is no thought that can't be said.
No secret than can be tucked away.

I will stand strong in this storm with my hands in fist and my feet planted in the ground.

Days of victory are soon to come & I refuse to be silenced by this crippling illness.

Your words embody me and melt in such a way I lose all train of thought.

I breathe you in deeply as though you will only last a moment.

Take me, melt me, mold me to the very curve of you.

The silence embodies my exhausted self.
Let the battle end tonight.
Let me rest, I've resisted long enough.

Her bones were like the brittle branches of a tree. Praying the wind doesn't head east to meet her breaking twigs.

Let the life I live be only guided by the wind and moon light.
Let it be blissful and simple.
Let me be so rich with love that ever encounter is greeted with a kiss.

Before our hands even part
from our very first greeting,
my mind won't stop.

I want to know all that there
is to know about you.

Your greatest fears.
Your wildest dreams.
Your first heartbreak.
Your favorite childhood memory.

I crave to know the depths of your soul.
The inner workings of your thoughts.

I want to know who you really are,
not who you think I want you to be.

I stand tall, waiting.
My hands rolled into fist.
Head cocked back.
Ready to fight.
My feet are planted strong.

but  before i can take my last breathe, it's stolen away.

I'm thrown into the wave every which way.
my limbs flail uncontrollably and the water fills every crevice of my being and replaces the air in my lungs.

The fight is purposeless and I quickly give in. At the very moment I stop, so does it.

I am gently washed to shore.

A familiar place that i knew id never see again,
but how much more beautiful was it?
Who was I kidding?
I'd only hope to not return the next time?

In this moment I can stop.
I can listen to the life around me.
I can breathe.
I can open my blinds and let the light flood in,
or keep the illusion of the night just a tad longer so i don't wake you.
I'll let you sleep, I'll let myself enjoy the silence.

Her rays start peeking through every open space in my blinds.
How beautiful it feels when you finally reach my face.
Just like warm kisses.
Your light dances throughout the cover on my bed and onto the hardwood floors my living room.
Ill sit quietly with my coffee and watch the recital from beginning to end.
How ravishing your flood looks this morning.

I'd hold your hand while you hid behind the couch while fire was spit from every mouth around you.
I'd cover your ears and hold your head.
I grab your arms to keep you from making that time and time again mistake.
"You are everything. You will do everything", Is what I will chant to you every night before you sleep.
I'd tell you just how beautiful you are and that this is not your forever.
These four walls do not define you, but they will make you.
They will make you strong and brave.
These very walls that you hate so much.
This battle will be won, I promise you.
This battle will be won by you and you alone.

You know its been days.
Days since these heavy eyes have mended.
This suit of armor is nothing but twisted, tense muscles and weak joints that have made this body whole.

Just tell me it's going to be ok.
Tell me I'm going to make it through this.
Tell me ill survive.

You would think they would prepare you for battles like this but then again, how would they?

I'm tired of the positive speeches and the nonsensical analogies you think are helping.

I feel my bones starting to ******* inside of this tired body.
Just tell me i'll make it out of this alive.
That's all.
I will survive.