I'll leave you behind
Look through the lenses of my own life
I can't hear you when the woes are behind my ear *****
There's gold on the horizon

The economy is my charity
Hey, recycling is encouraged
I don't want to feel guilt for being nourished

Coconut cups
I don't want to have to hide them
I promise you, happiness doesn't come inside them

We're all here
Please allow me to try to enjoy it
I think I'd do the same no matter my cast
It's easy to say that from up here
But I think I know I mean it
I need to shake this feeling

I wish I was one of those girls who could laugh for fake candid photos
I wish I didn’t like to dance so much
I wish I was into white guys who were blind about their privilege
I wish I laughed at the things they laugh at
I wish I wasn’t Cuban sometimes
I wish I wasn’t Lebanese either
I wish I liked makeup tutorials
I wish I liked putting hours into my hair
I wish I was dedicated to my beauty
I wish I knew how to cook for a man
I wish I knew how to keep my room neat
I wish I liked corny quotes about happiness
I wish my deep thoughts didn’t sabotage my relationships
I wish my mind wasn’t so scattered
I wish I could join a sorority
I wish I could put up with most groups of girls
I wish I saw sexuality as black and white
I wish I wasn’t lazy
I wish I understood the science of dressing like an instagram girl
I wish I was better at school
I wish I didn’t get along with guys so well
I wish I didn’t have a weird sense of humor
I wish I didn’t resent my parents
I wish I never tried drugs
I wish I wasn’t so experimental with myself
I wish I wasn’t so hopeless
I wish I got through breakups more easily
I wish I didn’t like my hair short
I wish I would take off my makeup before I go to bed more
I wish I didn’t like talking about controversial topics
I wish I didn’t like going against the grain
I wish I got ready faster
I wish I had a more realistic idea of time
I wish I had bubbly handwriting
I wish I liked Vera Bradley
I wish I didn’t like it when my ******* could be seen through my shirt
I wish I liked pop music
I wish I didn’t notice how they frame commercials
I wish I was one of those girls that only had *** with 4 people
I wish I didn’t like it when my **** looked big
I wish I liked baking
I wish I didn’t like ****
I wish I didn’t like vibrators
I wish I could talk about materialistic things for long periods of time
I wish I didn’t struggle with depression or ADD
I wish I didn’t get ***** playing cops and robbers growing up
I wish I wasn’t cynical
I wish I didn’t like trap music
I wish there was a plot twist to this poem where I didn’t wish these things at all

Oh, hello..
I ask Motivation to ravage me
So **** and out of reach
I wonder if he’ll notice me

Hey, Motivation.
Do I look **** with this Adderall?
When I dress like an adult?
When I spread my books wide open?

When I arch my back right out of bed
Does it make you want me?
Motivation, get out of my head!
I’m kidding... I like it when you taunt me.

When I think of you
I salivate
Look out my window,
watch you all day
You look so ****
that special way
You work those other students.

I’ll bite my lip and I’ll slowly crawl
Right to class, backpack and all
My eyes intense with innocence
Please don’t take your eyes off me.

Motivation, you know just what I like
When you make my grade point average rise
Look, Daddy-- my schedules so tight
But I still manage to squeeze in several hours to write

Oh Daddy…
Can I play with your friends?
Maturity, and Ambition?
I’m a spoiled brat but I’ll listen

Tie me up so I can’t deny you
Tell me “I’m gonna be inside you”
Please, Motivation I want to ride you
Have your friends watch…

After that, you can tell them to join in
So collegiate it must be a sin
I’m a ****** to this sort of thing
I guess I’ll take off my immaturity ring

For all you guys I’ll be so special
Fill my head with names until I go mental
Like “hardworking” and “determined”
Until I’m submissive to school and working.

Now let’s pretend
That I’m the student
I’ll call you sir,
Please don’t be prudent
Here’s my homework
Make me do it.

Mr. Motivation….

You know whats *****?
My bedroom floor.
Here I’ll  bend over
And clean it more.

My goodness, this isn’t like me!
I’m married! Don’t you see?
This is merely fantasy!
I’m incapable of priorities!

…When it’s against to whom I’m wed.

For now I’ll ride my washing machine
I’m faking that I am with thee
But this isn’t homework and my room’s not clean
I am just a bored wife of Apathy.

Do I dare count the men
Who have slithered between my legs?
Is “What’s your number?” just a possible question
Or is it a question that begs?

Do I dare add merit to fluid actions
That ripples through life’s ebb?
Or will such an answer create disruption?
Will it wrestle with my head?

And if this is so, do I have a duty
To answer this knocking question?
Am I neglecting, truly,
A responsibility privilege presented?

Can I face this number without hurt?
Is it truly unimportant?
Or with it will I uncover a sting?
Will I unveil undue torment?

Curiosity rears its head
Maybe years from now I will face it
But for now I fear that I’m much too vulnerable
Granted its importance was merely created

I am just as curious as the man who created
The importance of such summing
But his legacy is much too strong for me
Through shallow eyes
Such as mine
It will endow me *unbecoming.

Secrets kept
Led to nights spent wept
I could **** a person
But somehow this is more personal to you than death
How selfish of you
But that message will never get through
So I carry on bruised
By social irrationality..
You ask for my story, you feel entitled to it all
But I muffle it all with the misleading sentence "I'm hurt."

You see it seems romantic..
You asking if I'm okay
Wanting to know where I got my edge--
But the answer will be the death of us..
And you'll never fully understand..
And a jaded view of what I've been through will only taint my life's understanding

I'm not ready to see that side of you..
The one that tells me you're not the exception to the rule
A rule that shouldn't even exist.

You aren't ready
And I can't risk letting the foundation of my fears,
this thing that has changed me,
Be leaked into that society to become novel gossip
and merits for scorn.
Despite what we've learned from history about irrational opposition and shame,
Our society still isn't mature enough to handle this with care.
They will mishandle my substance
Because what's a thousand pounds heavy to me
Is paper airplanes to all of you
Ready to be tossed around, crushed up, disposable..
But my heart will remain heavy
..And tired.

So the only thing I can truly tell this story to
Is my knees when I'm holding them in,
trying to protect my chest from exploding;
I can share this story with my cheeks
And send tears down them like messengers;
I can tell this story to the shower ground--
It catches me when I can't help but collapse where my cheeks, and my knees rush to my aid like the few friends I trust

I am a liar.
And I need to continue to be a liar,
And I'm sorry to you,
But sorry for me,
And sorry for a society who hasn't given me much of a choice.

There's a dance in my brain
a vibration in my soul
an explosion in my conciousness
and a zig zag in my walk

there's intention behind my smirking,
at the same time not at all
I created it
but i let it free, and i let it be

I swivel between intensities
it gives me such a high
art exists in every dimension of my reality
welcome to the conscience of a creative mind

I visualize
but barely look out of my eyes
I'm trapped in my mind
I'm trapped and that's fine
I'm trapped in the freedom of a creative mind

Compelled! So compelled!
to create (to create)
anything... anything at all
For you to see
whats inside me
and for me
to set these things free

A year ago today my grandfather passed away, but he did not die. He lives.. and if you want to find him, find him within the crevices of my actions, my tenacity, and success. Crouch down and find him underneath all that I believe in, all I stand for, and all I will accomplish. Open me up and find him in everything that empowers me. He is the fight inside me.

Abuelo, a year ago you passed away, but you did not die. Your story radiates through my reality. Because of you I wear Cuba on my sleeve and I made sure that when you passed you did not take our story with you. Abuelo, I knew you were of Cuban pride, but I did not know that the shop you struggled to open is what allowed Cuban culture to cultivate so strongly in Elizabeth, NJ. I did not know you gave refugees gold jewelry for free so they could sell it for profit, and that you trusted them to pay you back whenever they could and settled that on a handshake. I did not know you were part of an organization of Cubans. I didn't know that hundreds of men revered you within that organization. I did not know you can make a room full of grown men cry. I learned this at your funeral.

A year ago my grandfather passed away, but he did not die. I am here, in the US, succeeding without financial burden. I am here because he left everything behind, including old friends, a successful business, his money and his culture. I am here because he took all four of his children with him. I am here because he refused to stop there. I am here because he had deep-seeded ambition and pushed through every challenge with his chest out and his head adamantly on his shoulders. I am here, I am happy, and I am secure--And because of that, he lives.

Abuelo, I must confess I took some things from you without asking. In the pocket of my heart I hold your ambition. In the pocket of my conscience I hold your integrity. Abuelo, you are in peace, but never will you be put to rest. Not within my lifetime.

Some people can wade and be okay
but if I enter, I know I'll stay
please don't make me promises
I know once I'm stuck you'll go away

some people are not afraid to pass through
I dip my toes in and traps me like glue
that's why I was gonna run away from you
but i look down and I'm already doomed

you see I thought that I'd tread lightly
but that concrete grips my ankles tightly
while you can easily act all flighty
your final flight will be unsightly

I'm glad you're having a splashing time with me
but i knew i shouldn't have even dipped my feet
through your back strokes and front strokes you cannot see
I'm stuck here in this liquid concrete

Maybe I'm not right for you,
Maybe I'm not right for you,
This dissonance that makes me up
May be incongruous with you.

The petty things that sting my sides..
Drive me crazy as i smile.
My arguments, they come in strides,
But they have been building up for quite a while.

I know that who I am makes no sense,
So I'm in disbelief when you paint me with bliss.
You'll see that feeling will subside--
The "I don't think it can get any better than this"

I meander because it's safe,
I walk around liquid concrete,
Because I'm not nice option to get to know,
Just a nonsensical girl who's nice to meet.

Maybe I'm not right for you,
Maybe I'm not right for you,
But i will never let you know
Confusion tends to spite the truth.

Out of all the people who fell in love and stayed in love/
I want to find the one who wrote the saddest love song/
I want to talk to them/
I want to befriend them/
I want hope.

I want to quit feeling destroyed..
Because right now I'm a blender and love's been a blade/
I want to find the deepest lover with the most healed heart/
I need to know that I'll be okay.

I’m afraid to let you in
Because you already intruded
I’m afraid to walk hand and hand with you
For as soon as I give you my hand, you’ll drag me in your direction
I’m afraid to let you take the wheel
In fear that you may not give it back

The world
it overwhelms me
and i figured out the cause

point to something
and I'll tell you why it is SO beautiful
ANYTHING
give me a situation

I figured it out
Why I over think over think
because everything is beautiful
and GOD it keeps my mind running
I want to look at it longer
and I want to elaborate on it in my head
forever.

You hurt me
I want to **** myself
I want to hurt myself
But I wont

I will run harder
Run faster
Worker Harder
Fight through this

This hurts
But I'll burn you like fuel
This hurts
But you're a ******* fool

This is getting too emotional for me?
I'm not going to ignore the fact
that you might be getting emotional too

Tonight I cry
Someday we'll die
Tonight I pry
But you're just some guy

I've got friends, I've got family
And there's no way I'm the only
Girl who's crying in State College
Over a freaking stepping stone

I don't think that I love you,
But I think you're the one.
I think that I'll love you
****, don't jump the gun
Shut up
Shut up.
SHUT UP.
Just chill.

3/20/14, 3:04 AM

Stumbled into hell
Was willing to do anything
to find my way out
Even if that meant
sleeping around
Just didn't
want my *** burned
Now my lesson is learned
My lesions were earned

"Don't be depressed if you don't make."
"Don't be surprised if it's not as fun as you expected."
"Don't be mad if you don't get it."
"It's very hard for anyone to be successful in that kind of thing."

So life goes on and I don't bother trying to make it,
I'm not enthusiastic about it being fun at all
I don't try for jobs, that way I won't get them
Success is difficult, so why give it a shot?

There's so many thing I wanted to try
But I feel it might be outlandish
So I just remain here paralyzed
My ambitions break on site, and I can't stand it.

I want to be a lawyer, but they're not making money
I want to try comedy, but what's the point
I want to travel the world, but so did so many others
Take singing lessons, but my signings annoying.

I want good grades, but somethings holding me back
I want ambition but that's something I lack
I want to have that mindset but it's been offset
Please someone give my dream-chasing back

I should be studying, But the tests are really tough!
and my grades have shown I've failed much before
I want to pick myself up, and brush myself off
I'm more comfortable sitting on than falling to the floor

2/5/13, 6:35 pm

I'm waiting I'm waiting on my mania stages
so I can overflow with feelings and pour them on pages
Right now it's so forced, I feel ashamed
stagnant contentment isn't doing it for me

2/4/14

I want to explain my journal entries
They will not be inspired at all
rather they will be candid thoughts at that moment
that I will let freely fall
So please excuse me if these will not be well structured
But sometimes I just want to write is all

And maybe I need some kind of release
not just when I'm about to explode
Welcome to my journal entries
The style will vary as I go

Alone in everything.
Why doesn’t anyone reach for me
before I need to cry out?
What did I do?
What didn’t I do?

Maybe because I’m a pessimist
Maybe that’s it
But I try to be just as positive as negative
You get the worst of me though
when we’re just hanging out
because of my own desperation and persistence

I won’t reach out anymore, you win
I get it by now that I'm just a feint breeze in your head
If no one wants to reach out to me maybe I don’t deserve it
Good friends? Maybe I haven’t earned them.
But I try so hard.
What’s the trick?
What will make me stick?

I’m up to my knees in problems
But I’m not asking for anyone to solve them
All I’m asking for
Is some company,
To be sought out because I mean something,
For a friend to be drawn to me

Does my presence feel toxic?
Is it just unstimulating to you?
Is who I am just arbitrary?
Insignificant in the flesh?
Because I get the feeling I may not be negative
Just nothing at all

Maybe in your head you think I’m a pain
If only you knew that it comes from inside
I’d offer you a walk in my shoes
But what’s it really matter to any of you?

My mind is expanding,
But these grades are demanding.
Though my ways stand out
My GPA is not outstanding.

What good is knowledge,
If you can’t prove it on paper?
I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD!!!
But getting good grades is safer.

So I must be productive,
My right to dream has been abducted,
I once considered reflective struggles constructive,
But marginal quotas interrupt it

I’m feeling inspired,
My drive is now fired!
Oh but I can’t attend to that now..
Because I can’t study when I’m tired.

So I put it off,
Dreams are lost,
Robot mode on,
in a society of full of
scholarly knock-offs.

"Serendipity does not exist,"
"You’re choosing to fail if you’re choosing to live,"
"Why live creatively if you can puff, click or sip?"
I’m in an abusive relationship with my To-Do list

Don’t lose track,
Don’t look back,
Because time is money
And honey,
society will tell you how you spend it.
If you just let it.

Looking back, you never really cared. All you did is strip me down naked. I gave you everything I had. I even gave you my arms and my legs and got left in the cold because I guess you're a coward. After five years I finally decided to trust someone again and I was just left the same way. I was strung along like a simple-minded fool and I was manipulated blindly so you could have me to your convenience and liking. You ****** everything out of me: my confidence, my light.. and you just left me there to look like a fool. I don’t even know who I am anymore or what’s left of me. I don’t think you really care. I mean... who gives a **** about used trash anyway, right? Promises only mean something when things are easy, right? It's my fault. I should've followed my gut while it was screaming truths I wanted to deny. I had mistaken my gut for self-destructive over-thoughts, and you for my hero. I had mistaken learned-lessons for walls.  I had mistaken you for a man. I can't help but feel like you knew that.. like watching a wave crash over me as cluelessness had my back towards the horizon and my eyes towards you.  My heart's freezing over again now. For better or for worse it's happening, and I don't think it will melt for a really long time. In the meantime, I'll have boy friends but I won't feel. I'll maybe flirt here or there, but I won't feel. I’ll **** a lot but, regretfully, I won’t feel. I'll keep on moving and I won't feel. I'll try to feel, and there will be a split resentment for you and myself for making me this way. At the end of the day, it's my fault for being stupid and thinking anything good could ever come out of love. They say love yourself, and love will find it's way to you. What I didn't know is that love is an evil thief that comes and then goes with every piece of you in hand like it was an insignificant amount of small change.

Keep doing what you think is right
Even if you feel misunderstood
Persist
There will be people who will catch on
Be proud that you stayed true to your values
Even if they have been mended throughout your journey

Smoke the **** so my problems go away
Or at least get hidden underneath the haze
When it comes to coping methods is this okay?
Is it okay? Is it okay?

Someday I’ll be happy
Someday I’ll feel free
Someday I’ll be okay with being me
Someday I’ll feel love
Hold me tight
Someday I wont be so alone with all my thoughts at night
Someday someone will listen to me
And hear a silent song
Happy or sad it will be music to their ears

Someday I won’t feel such a fight inside
Someday I'll think of a problem and then think it’s alright
Someday I wont cringe at the thought of life
Someday I'll make it through all of this strife
Life will never be perfect
But one day it will be okay
Someday.. someday.

Someday is the day I look forward to
I’ve reminded me of “someday” all my life through
Is someday a myth or will it someday come?
Or is it some false hope playing me dumb?
I’m working towards that day, but what if it doesn’t exist
Someday might be an irrational wish

Oh sleepless night
What a trick on me you play!
For the reason I cannot sleep
Is because I anticipate the day

We build our day up
To have it elapse at night
But how too often a time I experience
A continuance through the night

Oh how unfair to me you see
For nighttime is a break much overlooked
Because I walk through the day quite sleepily
Which is difficult in a day so overbooked

Sleeping figures
Rejuvenating minds
Your mind is cultivating in peace
While my face is forming lines

Oh how I wish I didn’t get so worked up
I expected this to happen
Which ironically is the reason
My tiredness has been dampened

I lay in bed, ready
Ready to try this out
A pleasant sleep is all I wanted
Without completely passing out

How I get so jealous when
You lay there and drift to rest
While I’m dealing with two polar issues--
Either abruptly collapse into sleep or else from it slowly digress

Oh sleepless night, you tease me so
You fool with me and upset me so
For when thinking of tomorrow I surely know
I’m not going to be as lively as my potential.

It’s like I’m a hobo on Fifth Ave
Looking at the rich not realizing what they have
I get excited over spare change
While you collect your pay checks again and again

So let’s face it, tomorrow I’ll be miserable
And I’ll look forward to when the clock strikes night
But then the hours I have will become considerable
So I’ll lay there restlessly and drift away just before the light.
So I’ll get a taste of what sleeps like
But I’ll never get to experience it right.
Oh you cruel, mean sleepless night!
Where dwells your brother so known as the “Goodnight”?

At least I had it at one time—
The ability to make pretty words flow and rhyme
Not only that
Those words were sincere
Genuine uprootings of feelings made clear

Whether the emotion be happiness or fear
You can count on the fact that they were true projections
Yes I write simple now
Maybe that’s okay

I was lucky, I was good
At bleeding out all the emotions I could
Feel, but now replacing it is fear
Of not writing a good enough poem for my virtual peers

That is where the trouble lies
If I write for others, that’s where the bleeding subsides
Perhaps my poetry has been tainted by my pride
Or worse, perhaps it acts as a block from the right
Words that I have so been longing to find
That’ll do it
Pride can **** the flow alright.

My heart has been breaking every day
With no way to allocate the exact cause
yes I know where is sets off
but I never know where this deep pain hides
surprise

it shoots from my heart
down my veins
into every limb of my body
then it encapsulates me
help

Am I crazy?
I know this is real
No one knows
The pain that I feel
When I say that out loud I feel like a child
But when I hold it in for an inch, it feels like a mile

This is intensity
In full swing
I know I can be more hurt
But so can a person suffocating

I’m not sure if my heart is being squeezed by something so intense, so present
Or if its getting strangled by literally nothing
Nothingness
Nothingness banging on the front door of my chest
Dense, dense nothingness
Thirst: a very present pain cause by literally nothing when what you need more than anything is something
With thirst, you can have many things, but not have exactly what you need.. what you long for

What if water was never introduced?
What if instead of it being imbedded in every human beings brain,
It was abstract?
What would u do when u had a thirst attack?
Panic

Intermission
Interruption
This depression is the greatest eruption
Something is caged inside me and needs to be let out
But what if it's too real?
What if whatever encapsulates it is Pandora’s box?
And does not change how I feel?

It's like a man
Looking at me, taunting me, torturing, ****** me
Some see him as very generic looking
Others don’t seem him at all
I see ugly and scary
I feel the pain he afflicts upon me
When people hear my screams, they think it’s a silly act
No help to be found
Just me and this empty alleyway full of people