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Apr 2023 · 1.2k
Guilty
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2023
My guilt is starved and it’s begun eating me alive
This sick feeling in my empty stomach is the lack of truth I can confide
The distractions aren’t distracting from the thoughts inside my mind
My guilt is unsatisfied and it continues eating me alive
Jan 2023 · 1.4k
Death
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2023
Death came knocking in the middle of the night
He asked you to join him, death was calm and polite
He had watched you for a while, smiled as you said goodbyes
Death understood the pain and the love behind our cries
He was gentle when he took your hand and led you to the light
Death gave you a shoulder to rest on and he hugged you tight
Death was warm and inviting, he had a familiar face
He opened a door for you that led to an unknown place
Death stayed with you until long after you were gone
He still lets you come and visit in the dusk and in the dawn
Nov 2022 · 968
FIFO
Joanna Alexandre Nov 2022
I love him
For five days out of a fortnight
Sometimes less
We spend more time talking
About how much we miss each other
Than we do making up for the lost time
Our five days every fortnight
Are split between his family and friends
And my work
So we end up with weekends
I love him for two days out of a fortnight
And I miss him for 261 days a year
We spend time more time fighting
About how to spend our time
Than we do spending it together
Our bank accounts are more connected
Than sometimes it feels like we are
I get to love him two days out of a fortnight
The same amount of time spent on that plane
Sitting next to strangers
Working for those two days just the same
I love him for one third of the year
The rest I deal with the pain
Patiently waiting for him to come home
And say that was my last day
Nov 2022 · 103
Our eternities
Joanna Alexandre Nov 2022
I love you so much

I wish that I could give you this eternity

That we could have a little old black cat

Who we were convinced was a witch

I wish we could grow with her

Sharing all our hearts between us three

And I wish we could cry together as her time came

And plant flowers over her grave

And mourn and feel and fall on each other

Like leaves on the ground

I wish we could spend our eternity

Laughing to lull us into sleep

In our old bed that you’ll complain hurts your back

But that we never change

Despite the creaks and the way it feels

Like it might break under us

Because it never does

I’d spend my eternity running early

And you a little bit late

And we’d meet somewhere in the middle

I’ll always ask you to turn your music down

Your response will be to dance when I do

I won’t be able to help but laugh and join you

We’ll have an eternity of loud music and silly dances

I’ll eventually put up with the way you play your music

Because you put up with my bad singing

And we will be the most annoying people in love

In the nursing home

I wish I could give you my eternity

I know we’d be so incredibly happy

But my eternity is ending early

And yours is running late

So you’ll have to bury our little witch alone

And plant the flowers on your own

But know, I love you so
Sep 2022 · 680
Appetite
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2022
The blood between my legs

Had you salivating

Like you hadn’t eaten in years

And I was a scotch fillet steak

Cooked medium rare

Seasoned well with salt, pepper and fear

Your favourite dish

Served with a side of underage and innocent

Drizzled with balsamic *******

The kind of meal that forces silence

In a room full of people

Fresh blood dripping on your lips with

Eat bite that you took

A sign of a good piece of meat

A sign of it being well cooked

When you finished you didn’t wipe

The grease across your face

You worn it with pride like it was war paint
Jun 2022 · 4.5k
When I watched myself die
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2022
I watched myself die
Played it over and over
Scanned it for all the little details
How did this happen
When did this happen
Why did this happen
I saw myself fall away
Saw the parts of me I loved, leave
And the parts of me I hated, grow
I became super human
Able to shape-shift
I could break, shatter and crumble
And still come back together
You couldn’t see the cracks
But it took all of my efforts
To keep from falling apart again
I wept through the seams I sewed
And said it was sweat and maybe it was
After all I was working so hard
To keep track of all the pieces
I had left of me, the pieces
I didn’t lose when I watched myself die
Joanna Alexandre May 2022
It’s really not about the flowers
They might make me happy
They might look lovely
On the coffee table
When I wake up, or people come over
I might feel proud to say you got them for me
I might stop and smell them in the shop
And dream of them in our home

But it’s not about the flowers
It’s about the small but
significant vow,
It’s a reminder that you think of me too
And more so an idea that you enjoy
Making me happy, its about
Not asking you to get the flowers
Because I wouldn’t ask you to love me
If you didn’t want to

So you see it’s not about the flowers
Jan 2022 · 5.9k
Distractions
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2022
Consuming useless videos and content
Alone in my room
To distract from the racing and hurtful
Thoughts about you
And it always works for a moment
Or a minute or more
Until the intrusive thoughts come back,
Barging down my door
I put it back up, re-***** the hinges
And shut it
And lay back down to consume more
Mindless content
Oct 2021 · 106
Self
Joanna Alexandre Oct 2021
You don’t see yourself in the morning
When the sun is coming up
And your eyes are slowly opening
You don’t know that kind of love
You don’t see yourself when you’re  laughing
How your body shakes and eyes light up
You don’t know that kind of feeling
You don’t know that kind of love
You don’t see yourself when you’re crying
When your eyes fill up with pain
You don’t see your strength in that moment
You don’t know that kind of love
You couldn’t see yourself how I see you
And the way that makes me feel
You’ll never know your own true beauty
You don’t know that kind of love
Sep 2021 · 92
Cotton Candy Skies
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2021
You looked like a bag of sweet
Gifted to me, an innocent treat
The sky was pink, purple and blue
A cotton candy backdrop behind you
It was as exciting as a summer fair
Us, standing in the middle of nowhere
We felt like kids loose in a candy store
We had something sweet, we wanted more
With you there in that moment, I felt free
The kind of free we all someday hope to be
My cotton candy lover, my summer dream
I promise you’ll always find me on your team
Sep 2021 · 118
Cotton Candy Skies
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2021
You looked like a bag of sweet
Gifted to me, an innocent treat
The sky was pink, purple and blue
A cotton candy backdrop behind you
It was as exciting as a summer fair
Us, standing in the middle of nowhere
We felt like kids loose in a candy store
We had something sweet, we wanted more
With you there in that moment, I felt free
The kind of free we all someday hope to be
My cotton candy lover, my summer dream
I promise you’ll always find me on your team
Jul 2021 · 318
To be happy
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2021
I want to want to
Be happy

But maybe I don’t want to
Be happy
Jul 2021 · 366
Hindsight; her name
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2021
I saw her on a rainy day when the
Clouds had decided to take a break
She sighed as rain fell on her shoulder
And I stared for just one moment longer
Before she caught me and looked away
I caught myself not knowing what to say
I turned and faced the other way
And heard footsteps getting further astray;
Mine

Why.
Apr 2021 · 765
Her
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2021
Her
Her eyes glistened
Not unlike the moon
Or rain drops
When the clouds
Parted and let
The sun through
Her skin felt like
Warm honey
A feeling
You couldn’t
Quite shake
And her lips
Tasted; almost
The same
Her words were
Like ash in the breeze
Effortless and
Memorable
A sound sure
To please
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2021
I hate you
but
I think about you
Sometimes when I’m
Alone in bed
I think about
Your warm embraces
And the words we
Could’ve said


I hate you
but
There’s certain songs
I can’t listen to
Because they were ours
And I remember
All the words
But they don’t sound right
Without you

I hate you
but
I still get the urge to call
And tell you all about
How my days been
And chat away
About everything
And nothing

I hate you
but
I hate that we
Didn’t work more
Because maybe
In another lifetime
Across another shore
We might’ve worked out
You might’ve loved me
more
Than I hate you
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2021
Maybe some of us aren’t meant for “great things”
Maybe some of us are just meant to survive.




And maybe that’s the great thing in itself;
To survive an unsurvivable mind.
Mar 2021 · 190
We can’t talk
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2021
We haven’t for a week now
And I’m hurting
With the fury I imagine
Burns in hell.
Mar 2021 · 71
Home
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2021
I don’t want to admit it
But I’m waiting by the phone
Waiting for a text or call
Saying you want to come home
But I’m just waiting
Waiting waiting waiting
Why don’t you come
Joanna Alexandre Feb 2021
I’ve cried in more dressing rooms
Then I care to admit,
I had the feeling that
It wasn’t the clothes;
It was me that didn’t fit.
But we aren’t supposed to all
Conform to “off the rack” shapes
And grow and skink so that
Our clothes can accommodate.
We are supposed to be
The standard they set.
Our clothes should fit all of us
So that we can feel our best
Don’t let those numbers intimidate you:
You’re the standard to be set.
That’s what the clothing industry
Hasn’t figured out yet.
Feb 2021 · 220
Message me
Joanna Alexandre Feb 2021
Message me
I want so badly
for you to message me
Anything,
I just want to know
That at least once
I’ve crossed your mind
And you couldn’t
resist the urge
To reach out to me
I want so badly
for some sort of
reassurance
That,
to you,
I didn’t mean
nothing
Jan 2021 · 69
We had an argument
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2021
We had a argument

I don’t even know why
Or how it started but
I began to cry
Uncontrollably and
You didn’t
Understand why
But in the past
Arguments like that
Would end in fist fights
And cruel words
So when you didn’t
Lash out at me
I couldn’t
comprehend
It

Or that kind of love
Jan 2021 · 326
He makes me feel
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2021
Like I’m home
Somewhere I’ve
Never been
But somewhere
I somehow know
Dec 2020 · 213
Write your own love poem
Joanna Alexandre Dec 2020
I used to want a lover to write a love poem about me

So this is a love poem for me, by me

I make my bed every morning, because it’s the first place I think about being after a long day
And sometimes I lay out pyjamas and face masks in case things don’t go so okay
I drink coffee on my own and enjoy exploring new sites and cities alone
I smile when I lock eyes with strangers and aren’t afraid to strike up conversations
I go swimming in the ocean alone, it’s the only way I truly feel the energy in my bones
I finish hot showers with a blast of cold water and smile when I see fathers and daughters
I think love is perplexing and don’t trust easy
But rest easy knowing I’m right here if I ever need me
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2020
And stare out the window at all the trees
And I didn’t wonder how the leaves
Were such a deep, rich shade of green
I was just grateful that they could be seen



And that’s when I knew
I should drop my science class
And do English literature instead
Aug 2020 · 123
Hold on for one more minute
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2020
If I could be with you
Just one more time
I wonder if I would see
The pain in your eyes
And if you were here
For just one more night
I wonder if you would
Recognise the love in mine
And I wonder if you were here
For just one more minute
Could we have stopped you
Could it have turned out different
Aug 2020 · 154
What’s a soulmate?
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2020
A soulmate
is all the parts of you
You thought
you hated
They show up
and challenge
Who you thought
you were
And show you
who you can be
With a bit of love
and a whole
Lot of natural,
loving energy.
Jul 2020 · 137
Message me
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2020
I want so badly
for you to message me
Anything,
I just want to know
That at least once
I’ve crossed your mind
And you couldn’t
resist the urge
To reach out to me
I want so badly
for some sort of
reassurance
That,
to you,
I didn’t mean
nothing
Jul 2020 · 111
Under attack
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2020
You attacked me
In ways i forgot
i could be attacked
You stumbled innocently
Across my weak spot
And when i tried
To fight You off
i realised You’d gone.
i was staring at myself,
Still under attack.
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2020
I understand
But it hurts
I never asked to be everything
I just wanted to be enough
You made me feel like I was
But now you’ve chosen her
And I get it
I would too
She’s beautiful
She doesn’t have to try
She doesn’t care
She’s exciting in all the ways
I’m not
I love her
So I get why you would
Want to love her too
Jun 2020 · 44
Call him a life jacket
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2020
He felt, to me, like Safety
And I want to WANT to feel safe

So I played the part
And he hurt me anyway

How do I trust myself
To choose safety

When the obvious option
Isn’t even safe
For me
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2020
He gave me a daisy seed
But no soil to plant it in
And asked me to hold out hope
That it could grow from nothing
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2020
How do you break up with someone
You were never even dating?
Jun 2020 · 70
No saved numbers
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2020
I never bothered saving your number in my phone
So that when you left, I wouldn’t feel any more alone
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
Soft touches that seemed
harmless
A kind gesture that might’ve help in the
darkness
A wide smile from a
familiar face
That said to me “it’s okay,
you’re safe”
But those soft hands
left bruises
And that kind smile turned
abusive
You hurt me, I was
a child
But I’m done with living in
denial
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
The red wine on the table sits opened and half poured
And next to that sits a barely touched attempt at a cheese board
The floors start creaking loudly beneath our twirling feet
Perfectly matching the sounds of our quickening heart beat
You’re smile morphs into laughter as we stumble about
I can’t find the adequate words to quite figure you out
But you hold my hands tightly as we glide across the floor
I can say with complete certainty this is what life is meant for
May 2020 · 69
Heart strings
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
He played my feelings
like a 12 string guitar
with pinpoint accuracy.

He surprised me
When he struck my strings
For the first time.

Even more so
When he found a song
In my crevasses,

I didn’t know my body
Could sound
So sweet.
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
I do,

I’ve held many.

Not for long,

But I kept them warm and  

Sometimes fixed holes

I used mine to patch up the  

Damages I found.

Now mine needs repairing.

Can you hold it for me?

Doesn’t have to be for long.
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
He told me I didn’t taste like the first cup of coffee he ever had
That I didn’t make him feel as awake as that first cup did
That I didn’t make his heart beat faster like that first cup did
And I didn’t warm his hands quite like that first cup did

I told him I know,
I didn’t because I’m not the first cup of coffee he ever had
But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t make him feel awake
Or speed up his heart rate

But he’ll never know
Because he’s searching for his first cup of coffee
Not knowing he’s missing the main ingredient
May 2020 · 104
I thought I loved you
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
I loved how you inspired me
I loved how you wrote poetry
And sung and played guitar
And wore old clothes that
Didn’t look outdated on you
I loved how you always seemed
To be looking beneath the surface
I loved how your hair
Was longer than most
And you always seemed just
A little bit nervous
Even when you weren’t
I loved your passion
For coffee and music and people
I tried really hard
to tell myself I loved you
But I loved what you
represented
And I still do
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
You looked deep into my eyes
Like you were searching for something
And I hoped you were looking for me
But you were looking for yourself
So I closed them, **** your ego.
Apr 2020 · 53
Laissez-faire
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
I gave you my heart  

But you didn’t realize  

Because piece by piece  

A heart is easy to disguise



But I gave it to you in the strokes

Of my hand on your chest

And in the beating of my heart

When we laid down to rest



I saw the chance and I

Snuck it in through soft kisses

And you didn’t notice but  

I put in in our interlaced fingers



I saw it gather in your eyes

Saw you piece it back together  

I hope you hold onto it tightly

Because you could have my heart forever
Apr 2020 · 63
Your sex
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
You **** me like its love

And I crave your love like

it’s the air I need to breathe  

And so, I use your ***  

to satisfy my needs
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
When you told me you were seeing someone else,

A familiar sense of curiosity swept over me,

I wondered if it was who I thought  

It would be



I knew, but I could tell myself I didn't know

It was a suspicion with merit, sure

But the confirmation was missing  

Was missing



You made a mistake and told me,

Without really telling me who,

I knew. And now I know

I wish I didn’t
Apr 2020 · 56
You like them
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
You like them sick,

With an appetite of cigarettes and ****

Yours, to be specific

Small enough for you to scare

But big enough for no one to care



You like them easy,

Freakish in what they’ll do to please

Only you, to be specific

Willing to do everything and anything  

For their all mighty king



You like them dumb,

It’s easier to get away with it that way

For you, to be specific  

Bruises raise less alarms  

When they’re wrapped in your arms



You like them disposable,

Dolls you can interchange whenever you want

For you, to be specific  

When you get bored of her  

Swap her for someone else you’d prefer.
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
My notes are full of conversations I never had

Not with you,



They contain words unspoken and unheard

But definitely felt



I wonder if you knew they were there

I wanted you to



I wonder if you could read them  

On my face



When I’d cry at night next to you

Did you hear?



Did you choose to ignore the hurt

You caused?



Was it easier for you to pretend  

I was the problem?



I wonder if your disillusion caused you  

To see me as happy

  

If you saw my notes you’d know

I wasn’t.

Not even close.
Aug 2019 · 94
See me, me
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2019
When I look through your eyes
I can’t see me
Just the shadow of something
... demonic
And when you look though my eyes
You still can’t see me
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
Holding you I feel the extremities
Of both safe and unsafe
Love and hurt
You provide access to
The most beautiful things
But you also allow the door to open
To the most haunting of things
You’ve bruised me and you’ve cut me
But you’ve also painted me pretty
You’ve gifted me with my most
Attainable desires
And you’ve taken away my most
Prized possessions
I can’t walk anywhere without you
But I miss everywhere I take you
Through your eyes everything’s better
I can erase my most prevalent flaws
And yet I miss the beauty
That belongs to imperfect things
And the uniqueness
Each and every one of us brings
And as much as I long
For a world without you
I can’t seem to let go
Of this phone.
Mar 2019 · 282
I’d die to please you
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
I stabbed myself in the heart
and asked you to watch me bleed
but that proved too hard
So your eyes averted
And I was left staring at
Your retreating figure
And I bled out alone
Mar 2019 · 109
Untitled
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
You look at me
and I feel as though
Time isn’t enough
but I hold your attention
As long as I can
before you turn you head
And along with it the tables
and my world is upside down
Until you turn your head back around
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
He takes my hand, and all feels right
And it’s in his arms I choose to spend the night
But come morning, when he’s awake
I think of the best excuse I can make
Because coffee tastes better to me alone
And I don’t like to eat except on my own
And I’m scared of having morning breath
So I say goodbye and wish him my best
And I’ve been ripping apart my skin
Trying so **** hard to let him in
But my best intentions just aren’t enough
And he could easily call me on my bluff
But to me, he doesn’t say anything
And to that night, I know he’ll cling
Because he tells me about it when I see him next
And I have to reassure him it’s for the best
But again he takes my hand,
and all feels right
And it’s in his arms I again
Choose to spend the night.
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