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Aug 2019 · 36
See me, me
When I look through your eyes
I can’t see me
Just the shadow of something
... demonic
And when you look though my eyes
You still can’t see me
Holding you I feel the extremities
Of both safe and unsafe
Love and hurt
You provide access to
The most beautiful things
But you also allow the door to open
To the most haunting of things
You’ve bruised me and you’ve cut me
But you’ve also painted me pretty
You’ve gifted me with my most
Attainable desires
And you’ve taken away my most
Prized possessions
I can’t walk anywhere without you
But I miss everywhere I take you
Through your eyes everything’s better
I can erase my most prevalent flaws
And yet I miss the beauty
That belongs to imperfect things
And the uniqueness
Each and every one of us brings
And as much as I long
For a world without you
I can’t seem to let go
Of this phone.
Mar 2019 · 213
I’d die to please you
I stabbed myself in the heart
and asked you to watch me bleed
but that proved too hard
So your eyes averted
And I was left staring at
Your retreating figure
And I bled out alone
Mar 2019 · 53
You look at me
and I feel as though
Time isn’t enough
but I hold your attention
As long as I can
before you turn you head
And along with it the tables
and my world is upside down
Until you turn your head back around
He takes my hand, and all feels right
And it’s in his arms I choose to spend the night
But come morning, when he’s awake
I think of the best excuse I can make
Because coffee tastes better to me alone
And I don’t like to eat except on my own
And I’m scared of having morning breath
So I say goodbye and wish him my best
And I’ve been ripping apart my skin
Trying so **** hard to let him in
But my best intentions just aren’t enough
And he could easily call me on my bluff
But to me, he doesn’t say anything
And to that night, I know he’ll cling
Because he tells me about it when I see him next
And I have to reassure him it’s for the best
But again he takes my hand,
and all feels right
And it’s in his arms I again
Choose to spend the night.
You asked me to read you a poem
And you didn’t understand when I said no
Because I’m not ready
For you to see the whole of me
In all my blissful glory
And oh so dark days
To see my deepest hopes and fears
To see the absolute worst of all my years
To know me for more than I promised to be
Because what if you see me
Truly see me
Mar 2019 · 49
Leave me like this
You spat knives
That hit my heart
And you shutting your mouth
Didn’t stop the bleeding
I know I’ve stained your soul
But you’ve left irreparable holes
My heart can’t take this
And your mouth tastes like acid
So you kissed my veins
And my blood turned to poison
It burned through me
And you undressed me
To see the damage
I was naked
Nothing but a broken heart
And scarred skin
Dec 2018 · 46
Bipolar disorder
The water that I love holds me tight
and in my heart, ignites
Everything I think I can be
And all the dreams that make me, me.
The cold water then rushes my head
And fills my whole soul with dread
Of who I had always hoped to be
And how that could never really be me.
It runs down my throat
And feeds me the lifeless boat
Of drugs and pills and anti psychotics
It takes me away from my dreams and heroics
But it keeps me from drowning
And it stops me from downing
So I’ll let the water hold me tight
And find safety,
rather than let myself ignite.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a year ago and it’s been a constant struggle to find the will to take my medication and let it **** part of me but be safe. I’m still learning how to live with it and coming to terms with the longevity of this mental illness but each day I’m coming more and more to terms with it and how to cope. Thank you all for your support, my poetry has been a huge help and so have all of you.
I’m in love with a man
With an unformidable temper
And he loves me
like I’m a punching bag
I’m never prepared when it’s fight night
But I do the best I can
Though he’s Muhammad Ali
And clearly the better man.
Sometimes I think about how the world would taste
Should I see everything in Pink?
I wonder whether each morning
My coffee would be sweeter
And my mug less boring
Would I wake up earlier than the sun
And in doing housework
Have more fun?
Would skirts feel less out of place
If they matched the blush
I’d put upon my face?
Would I bruise more easily
As rough hands under sheets
Try to find me?
Would I laugh a little softer
And feel better about myself
Standing beside her?
Would my dinners be warmer
And my occupied bed
Feel wider?

I wonder if my world were Pink
Would I be more or less of a woman;
What do you think?
Dec 2018 · 104
He told me he loved me and
I bleed from the heart
He told me that he needed me and
My spinal cord snapped
I told him it was over and
In time it came back,
I came back.
Mar 2018 · 107
Pull the trigger
It's no one else problem it's mine my own
I should've just stuck through it all alone
I should've sewn my mouth shut and kept it at that
But instead I had to fight not realising they would fight back
And I tried to do it I really did
But I'm not strong enough to go through with it who am I to kid
I'm weak and that's all I will be
I mean look at me how can you not see
He can take it all **** it let him
I've got nothing left this is my last whim
And so I'm pulling out like they all expected
I'm lay down the gun and let them put it to my head
Sep 2017 · 296
I wanted to say I love you
But instead
I laughed, hard like I used to
And your arms felt like the sand and the ocean
And I looked into you're blue eyes, and I appreciate the different shades
Fighting for your attention,
and you're oblivious to the war waging
Your laugh is the sweetest sound I've ever heard
And your heart holds the beat
And I can't get that song out of my head
And I hope you'll never leave my bed
Because your body is so warm you could melt all the icebergs
And I laugh as I blame you for global warming
Becuse beauty like yours
Beauty that beams from within and pierces the skin of all those you meet
Beauty that expands like a black hole when you smile and I melt
Beauty like you consumes me.
I got my ******* pierced the other day,
it didn't really hurt.
What hurt more was my mother telling me she didn't like the silver ring in my nose
But didn't mind my ****** piercings because she "couldn't see those"
As though my face is a canvas and I am not allowed to paint
And this body's everyone else's property and I am but a house mate.
I should not disrupt others upon my first entry but in my room have free range
And so I play with my nose ring because I know it'll cause her disdain.
Jan 2017 · 168
A sea of emotions
The sun is dragged below a sheet of blue
And all I can seem to think of is you
But I'm sat next to an empty space
In the hopes that he can fill your place
But his eyes aren't the blue that I love
And his smile isn't heavenly sent from above
And he doesn't inspire my to be better
So his friends tell him "give up you'll never get her"
And I can't reassure him of how I feel
Because with him I know it's just not real
I can't tell him how each morning I wake up
And think of all the different ways we can make love
Because love isn't what this is; no
So I'm sorry but because of you, I have to let him go
Jan 2017 · 261
Dead people dying
In the place where dead people come to die
I wait to be seen by someone who can't decide
Wether it's worth it to bother with being nice
Or if it's useless in this place where I have come to die
Jan 2017 · 255
I'm still learning how to do this
I'm still learning how to trust
It's harder than I expected
But I'm trying not to give up

You see its all so new to me
All these emotions I'm feeling
But no matter what happens to us
It's us I believe in
And I looked at you
As the world drummed out
Around me
And I saw for the first time
My uncertainty in us
In you
In me
In everything
we could ever be
And I realised
I was giving you all I could offer
And if you didn't want it
I would let you
Be my destruction
Nov 2016 · 229
Feet from the ground
I would sooner put a knife to my wrist
Then ever again have to feel like this
I'd slice on, through and through
Until my veins were quite red not blue
I'd drain every single last drop
In hopes that this feeling will stop
But know nothing hurts more than the truth

I would sooner put a noose round my neck
Then to admit that she's correct
Than to admit I'm nothing more
Than those word that chill me to my core
I'd rather be found blue and cold
Then believe the words I'm being told
No I'd rather be found,

feet from the ground.
Nov 2016 · 173
How do people do it
This thing this life
I just don't get it
There's no purpose in mine
It's like the sun that rises
Will only fall
And the clouds that cover
Shed tears for us all
The oceans offer safety
In a dangerous form
They offer solitude
Their cold hands seem warm
The trees that surround
Seem barren and bare
For when I look to them
I see my body hanging there
Nov 2016 · 185
Downstairs awaits me
With warm Chinese food and
A couch otherwise occupied
And I have no desire to
Walk the stairs.

The sun charges through
Blinds that hold strong despite
The danger posed to them and I
Ignore their faded-ness

An empty mug sits beside me
In an unwelcome empty harmony,
Don't look at it. It can will you
To put it in the dishwasher
Sep 2016 · 183
"I Like You"
"I like you"
I wasn't afraid to say
But you didn't like me
And I guess that's okay

There's nothing to be done
And you can't be helped
Because feelings are feelings
And for me, you never felt

So we agree to be friends
But "friends" we do not remain
You ignore my existence
And I ignore the pain
Sep 2016 · 149
And you'll be my resolution
Because in the end you are the issue
The light in the darkness
The darkness in the moon
Like an unhappy sailor is to his crew
Like the lost paddle is to the canoe
I need you
Sep 2016 · 118
I think the thing that hurts the most is that I'm not willing to admit I loved you
I think trying to hide the fact
is tearing me apart and you're fine
And you're okay
with seeing me time after time
In the same way
in the same ******* state
And I'll never again look at you
with the same desire
I once held true
Sep 2016 · 143
Best friend
And I want to hang from the ceiling
My limp body hanging above the ground
My lifeless skin hung tight
But I don't have the energy to move
Don't have the knowledge to tie a noose
And so I'll stay in my bed all night

And I want to slit my wrists
Have blood rushing out from each cut
My skin, blood red
But I don't have the energy to slice
Don't have a sharp enough knife
And so I'll just lay here and wish I were dead

And I want to be hit by a moving car
Have the driver throw me oh so far
My body dragged along the ground
But I don't have the right
Don't have even half of the might
And so I'll wait for my body to be found
Sep 2016 · 343
I don't want to use you
How can this be
You saying you don't want me
And I'll happily
Agree for us to be everything
But I don't want you to see me
Like this
So I play it off,
Lay it off
Take if off
The layers of my skin peel
To reveal
Me; the utmost form of who I hold true
And you; the utmost form of
"I don't want to use you"
Aug 2016 · 523
International love
Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state
Does it go up like gas prices do but only on weekdays
Does it have a good exchange rate or is it all the same
Is it worth more at swapmarts when sold to those in pain
Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state
Aug 2016 · 421
A Scenic Route
I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever set you free
I think the world will drown in my tears
That's how it'll end
I think the world will burn with my fury
That's how it'll end
I think the world will shatter with my screams
That's how it'll end
I think the world will crumble under my feet
That's how it'll end
I think the world will break along with my heart
That's how it'll end

I think the world will end
But let us remain
Jul 2016 · 182
You care about cars
You care about cars
And you care about bras and bars and breaking girl's hearts
But mostly you care about cars

Maybe it's the 4 wheels
Because the 4 wheels are the most you've ever had in your life
And they're the sturdiest thing you got isn't that right
And those 4 wheels don't stop at traffic lights
I think those 4 wheels will take you to heights that
Your legs couldn't

Maybe it's the engine
Because that engine is the only resource you've got for warmth
That engine will carry you through the toughest terrain
That engine will never let you down again
Because you know the cranks more than you know anything
That engine is what's keeping you going

And so you care about cars
And you care about bras and bars and breaking girl's hearts
But now I can understand why you care about cars
Jul 2016 · 441
I was once
I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents;
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever bring you back to me
Jul 2016 · 217
And I'll never not be sad
And I'll never not be sad
About the way the world has turned
From bad to worse
In a matter of moments

And I'll never not be sad
About the way that people
Are able to judge each other
And create a lesser equal

And I'll never not be sad
About my freedom being denied
Because of the way my hips
Make me prey at night

And I'll never not be sad
For the people who can't be
The boys taught emotions are weaknesses
And the homes left empty

And I'll never not want to leave
This horrible place I call home
For my existence is sad and Lonely
Though I am anything but alone
Jul 2016 · 171
His voice is enough to ignite the fireworks in my chest
O' his words are enough to bring me thoughts of yellow
Thoughts of him; of him of him of him
and the cruelest thought of all
That yellow is the flowers to be laid at my casket
Jul 2016 · 319
Why we don't talk anymore.
I stayed up late
to talk to you
You invited me to a party
that I couldn't come to
I couldn't get there
And you never offered a lift
All you said was hurry
Please come quick
I said goodnight
You didn't reply
I took it as your drunk mind
Taking its time
But when you still didn't
I began to wonder
Maybe I'm in the wrong
Maybe I made a blunder.
You know, for someone who doesn't believe in love I write an awful lot of love poems. Just a thought.
Jul 2016 · 518
Open heart gallery
You drew blood and I called it paint
As though these veins hold art
And you were creating a masterpiece
To be hung up in my heart
May 2016 · 240
There’s a world out there,
I am yet to see
Where birds and bugs
Wait patiently.
It’s inhabitants
Don’t hide from the rain
But rather bathe in
Their disdain.
Trees are abundant
And make music; solace
And the animals gather
To hear the sound; flawless.
There is an icy stealth
That settles over
But there are no worries
Ice doesn’t make it colder.
May 2016 · 144
Hold her close, she ‘s no one else
Just for a moment, then leave her to herself.
Warm her hands, only to have them cool
Kiss her mouth, leave the drool.
Tell her lies, then block her ears
Tell her you love her, then tell her no one cares.
Freeze her heart, shatter the ice
Pick up the pieces,
I entrusted my sanity in your eyes
Your ******* eyes held my mind
But when you blinked, uncertainty entranced my worrisome mind
And I found myself justifying your eyes; shut, closed, empty

I entrusted my morality in your hands
Two ******* hands held my morals
And you knew it too, so you let go of me
And I found myself desperately clinging to the edge of a cliff, no longer your hands

I entrusted my hopes in your chest
Skin and bones and my ******* hopes
But you exhaled more often than I expected
And I found my hopes drifting further, further away

I entrusted my dignity in your vertebrae
I guess your ******* back was broken, carrying my dignity
It did enough to carry your head high
And I found myself offering to fix it so you could carry more than just mine

I entrusted my happiness in your bowel
Fit so ******* perfect, my happiness in you
But you happened to be so full of ****
And I found myself now wanting my happiness back
This is only a rough copy
Mar 2016 · 445
The Daisy Chain
We made assumptions based on daisies
and tied our hair in bows,
sold ourselves without a price tag,
to those we didn't know.
Feb 2016 · 417
The world is round,
but it's edges are sharp.
Feb 2016 · 226
The things I mean to you
You could scream my name into the abyss,
and I still wouldn't believe it meant more than this:

That it meant more than the way you hold my hips,
That it meant more than the way we kiss,
That it meant more than you're eyes locked in mine,
That it meant more than all of our time combined,
That it meant more than a bunch of letters,
That it meant more than just to make you better,
That it meant more than you're desire to touch me,
That it meant more than the skyline above me,
That it meant more than the fingers intertwining,
That it meant more than a dark silver lining.

That it meant more than the way you tell me you love me.
That it meant more than the how easily you shrug me
Needed to get this off my chest
Feb 2016 · 265
They walk as though each step might be their last,
Like the ground might disappear underneath their feet
And oblivion will swallow them whole, in one mouthful

Their eyes are a faded shade of sadness,
Like all the tears in the world have dimmed the
Sparkle that once caught light in the blackest night

They mumbles words of wisdom to an ambivalent crowd
Like the advice might cause indiscretion in
A room full of certainty and over assured egos
Feb 2016 · 276
I can draw you pictures of whom I wish to be
But through my own eyes, I can see that's not me
Feb 2016 · 520
I prefer winter because the cold air reassures me,
the way it caresses my skin and holds me,
until ripples appear on the surface of my trust,
I know not to give in to it's cool, light touch.
Feb 2016 · 117
No one loves you like your mother.
And god I hope that's true,
because my mother looks at me
with eyes colder than blue.
Feb 2016 · 406
The Creature
The wind blows a cool breeze speaking a language that I can only hope to understand
The sun shines through the barriers of leaves cascading down to hold me tightly, comfortably
The foliage steady underneath my unsteady feet promises to give me balance
The water buries the sand pulling it back into line always returning it safely home

A soft creature appears from behind the green wall crouching curiously in fear, denial
Unable to speak like the wind it simply blinks, both yellow eyes; once, twice, three times
The long fur covering it's body blows with the western breeze head tilted towards the east
It rises on two feet; remains stationary, despite the wind pushing it back

An array of colours catches light from the creature; yellow eyes, purple fur, black teeth
The deflection of colours creates a rainbow around the creature; a force field
It casts no shadow despite the downward sun trying its hardest to expose the creature
The array of colours surrounds the creature fading away with the sun behind the leaves.

The foliage struggles against its foot moving forward in a staggering motion as if they were glued
Fallen leaves crumble underneath its feet and flowers rot to a bruised purple
Like quicksand the ground tries to swallow the creature, hold it still despite its strength
Quicksand is not quick enough, the creature shuffles through the dying foliage

The water retreats, taking the sand with it, gathering as large an army as possible
The creature continues forward, the water continues back as far as it can before returning to shore
They meet in an unwelcome collision the water trying to push the creature back, unsuccessful
The creature emerges from the water droplets of water being repelled from its fur

The wind changes direction pointing at me whispering words of caution whispering, yelling
The sunlight illuminates me, sweat drips down my face like tears as if to say: hide
The ground shakes and trembles beneath my feet urging me to move, keep moving
The water reaches for me with open arms to hide in amongst the sand, to return safely

The creature spots me; staring unflinchingly, it stares back into my eyes with yellow ones
It's fur directing it towards me urges it onward dragging it alongside the cool breeze
It's feet start toward me slowly as the trembling ground regains its posture so does it
I stand in awe of this beautiful creature, so frightful so delicate aiming for me

"Humph" the sound of it colliding with me is carried away with the wind, long gone
The sun gleams off its black teeth blinding me before I feel it rip into my neck tearing flesh
The green, brown, purple ground lay stained with my blood dripping from its mouth
The incoming tide holds my hand one last time as the creature drags me back behind the green wall
Feb 2016 · 371
That Is Enough
Soft whispers that are meant to be calming but instead
Cause a tidal wave of fear and panic
To wash over my logic
And cause a devastating aftermath

You tell me i can say no but cut my words off with the slip of Your tongue
my mouth is but a puppet and Yours, a puppeteer
my feelings simply putting on a performance for Your senses
And i can't let down my audience

my body is private property and You are trespassing,
Hands devouring every inch of bare skin begging for more
And i am frozen, like the trees in the ground my mountains can't tumble in a last effort of self-defence so i stay quiet
Like the house on the end of the street

my emotions have been set on fire and You are the flame
Spreading across my body like the plague
You take advantage of my vulnerable state
Filling me with toxin upon toxin to get me to cooperate

You ask me if i want to as though Your hands don't hold my pride
Fingers wrapped around my oesophagus
Strangling my reprisal
and i am unable to speak through the loneliness

Darkness engulf the room and i can see Your intentions,
Your eyes burn with desire and like a statue
my efforts fail to move You, You are a train heading towards a collision
Your breaks will only slow You down

There is nothing i can do

So i'll sew my eyes shut and my mouth with glue
i'll toss aside my mind to forget about You
i'll shatter my bones and burn off Your touch
And as i lay there, i hope;

That Is Enough.

— The End —