I think the thing that hurts the most is that I'm not willing to admit I loved you
I think trying to hide the fact
is tearing me apart and you're fine
And you're okay
with seeing me time after time
In the same way
in the same ******* state
And I'll never again look at you
with the same desire
I once held true

There’s a world out there,
I am yet to see
Where birds and bugs
Wait patiently.
It’s inhabitants
Don’t hide from the rain
But rather bathe in
Their disdain.
Trees are abundant
And make music; solace
And the animals gather
To hear the sound; flawless.
There is an icy stealth
That settles over
But there are no worries
Ice doesn’t make it colder.

My notes are full of conversations I never had

Not with you,



They contain words unspoken and unheard

But definitely felt



I wonder if you knew they were there

I wanted you to



I wonder if you could read them  

On my face



When I’d cry at night next to you

Did you hear?



Did you choose to ignore the hurt

You caused?



Was it easier for you to pretend  

I was the problem?



I wonder if your disillusion caused you  

To see me as happy

  

If you saw my notes you’d know

I wasn’t.

Not even close.

And I'll never not be sad
About the way the world has turned
From bad to worse
In a matter of moments

And I'll never not be sad
About the way that people
Are able to judge each other
And create a lesser equal

And I'll never not be sad
About my freedom being denied
Because of the way my hips
Make me prey at night

And I'll never not be sad
For the people who can't be
The boys taught emotions are weaknesses
And the homes left empty

And I'll never not want to leave
This horrible place I call home
For my existence is sad and Lonely
Though I am anything but alone

The blood between my legs

Had you salivating

Like you hadn’t eaten in years

And I was a scotch fillet steak

Cooked medium rare

Seasoned well with salt, pepper and fear

Your favourite dish

Served with a side of underage and innocent

Drizzled with balsamic *******

The kind of meal that forces silence

In a room full of people

Fresh blood dripping on your lips with

Eat bite that you took

A sign of a good piece of meat

A sign of it being well cooked

When you finished you didn’t wipe

The grease across your face

You worn it with pride like it was war paint

I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever set you free

The sun is dragged below a sheet of blue
And all I can seem to think of is you
But I'm sat next to an empty space
In the hopes that he can fill your place
But his eyes aren't the blue that I love
And his smile isn't heavenly sent from above
And he doesn't inspire my to be better
So his friends tell him "give up you'll never get her"
And I can't reassure him of how I feel
Because with him I know it's just not real
I can't tell him how each morning I wake up
And think of all the different ways we can make love
Because love isn't what this is; no
So I'm sorry but because of you, I have to let him go

And I want to hang from the ceiling
My limp body hanging above the ground
My lifeless skin hung tight
But I don't have the energy to move
Don't have the knowledge to tie a noose
And so I'll stay in my bed all night

And I want to slit my wrists
Have blood rushing out from each cut
My skin, blood red
But I don't have the energy to slice
Don't have a sharp enough knife
And so I'll just lay here and wish I were dead

And I want to be hit by a moving car
Have the driver throw me oh so far
My body dragged along the ground
But I don't have the right
Don't have even half of the might
And so I'll wait for my body to be found

The water that I love holds me tight
and in my heart, ignites
Everything I think I can be
And all the dreams that make me, me.
The cold water then rushes my head
And fills my whole soul with dread
Of who I had always hoped to be
And how that could never really be me.
It runs down my throat
And feeds me the lifeless boat
Of drugs and pills and anti psychotics
It takes me away from my dreams and heroics
But it keeps me from drowning
And it stops me from downing
So I’ll let the water hold me tight
And find safety,
rather than let myself ignite.

I’ve cried in more dressing rooms
Then I care to admit,
I had the feeling that
It wasn’t the clothes;
It was me that didn’t fit.
But we aren’t supposed to all
Conform to “off the rack” shapes
And grow and skink so that
Our clothes can accommodate.
We are supposed to be
The standard they set.
Our clothes should fit all of us
So that we can feel our best
Don’t let those numbers intimidate you:
You’re the standard to be set.
That’s what the clothing industry
Hasn’t figured out yet.

He gave me a daisy seed
But no soil to plant it in
And asked me to hold out hope
That it could grow from nothing

In the place where dead people come to die
I wait to be seen by someone who can't decide
Wether it's worth it to bother with being nice
Or if it's useless in this place where I have come to die

Death came knocking in the middle of the night
He asked you to join him, death was calm and polite
He had watched you for a while, smiled as you said goodbyes
Death understood the pain and the love behind our cries
He was gentle when he took your hand and led you to the light
Death gave you a shoulder to rest on and he hugged you tight
Death was warm and inviting, he had a familiar face
He opened a door for you that led to an unknown place
Death stayed with you until long after you were gone
He still lets you come and visit in the dusk and in the dawn

I can draw you pictures of whom I wish to be
But through my own eyes, I can see that's not me

Consuming useless videos and content
Alone in my room
To distract from the racing and hurtful
Thoughts about you
And it always works for a moment
Or a minute or more
Until the intrusive thoughts come back,
Barging down my door
I put it back up, re-***** the hinges
And shut it
And lay back down to consume more
Mindless content

I would sooner put a knife to my wrist
Then ever again have to feel like this
I'd slice on, through and through
Until my veins were quite red not blue
I'd drain every single last drop
In hopes that this feeling will stop
But know nothing hurts more than the truth

I would sooner put a noose round my neck
Then to admit that she's correct
Than to admit I'm nothing more
Than those word that chill me to my core
I'd rather be found blue and cold
Then believe the words I'm being told
No I'd rather be found,
hanging;

feet from the ground.

I love him
For five days out of a fortnight
Sometimes less
We spend more time talking
About how much we miss each other
Than we do making up for the lost time
Our five days every fortnight
Are split between his family and friends
And my work
So we end up with weekends
I love him for two days out of a fortnight
And I miss him for 261 days a year
We spend time more time fighting
About how to spend our time
Than we do spending it together
Our bank accounts are more connected
Than sometimes it feels like we are
I get to love him two days out of a fortnight
The same amount of time spent on that plane
Sitting next to strangers
Working for those two days just the same
I love him for one third of the year
The rest I deal with the pain
Patiently waiting for him to come home
And say that was my last day

My guilt is starved and it’s begun eating me alive
This sick feeling in my empty stomach is the lack of truth I can confide
The distractions aren’t distracting from the thoughts inside my mind
My guilt is unsatisfied and it continues eating me alive

I’m in love with a man
With an unformidable temper
And he loves me
like I’m a punching bag
I’m never prepared when it’s fight night
But I do the best I can
Though he’s Muhammad Ali
And clearly the better man.

Her eyes glistened
Not unlike the moon
Or rain drops
When the clouds
Parted and let
The sun through
Her skin felt like
Warm honey
A feeling
You couldn’t
Quite shake
And her lips
Tasted; almost
The same
Her words were
Like ash in the breeze
Effortless and
Memorable
A sound sure
To please

I don’t want to admit it
But I’m waiting by the phone
Waiting for a text or call
Saying you want to come home
But I’m just waiting
Waiting waiting waiting
Why don’t you come

I stabbed myself in the heart
and asked you to watch me bleed
but that proved too hard
So your eyes averted
And I was left staring at
Your retreating figure
And I bled out alone

How can this be
You saying you don't want me
And I'll happily
Agree for us to be everything
But I don't want you to see me
Like this
So I play it off,
Lay it off
Take if off
The layers of my skin peel
To reveal
Me; the utmost form of who I hold true
And you; the utmost form of
"I don't want to use you"

When you told me you were seeing someone else,

A familiar sense of curiosity swept over me,

I wondered if it was who I thought  

It would be



I knew, but I could tell myself I didn't know

It was a suspicion with merit, sure

But the confirmation was missing  

Was missing



You made a mistake and told me,

Without really telling me who,

I knew. And now I know

I wish I didn’t

"I like you"
I wasn't afraid to say
But you didn't like me
And I guess that's okay

There's nothing to be done
And you can't be helped
Because feelings are feelings
And for me, you never felt

So we agree to be friends
But "friends" we do not remain
You ignore my existence
And I ignore the pain

Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state
Does it go up like gas prices do but only on weekdays
Does it have a good exchange rate or is it all the same
Is it worth more at swapmarts when sold to those in pain
Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state

But instead
I laughed, hard like I used to
And your arms felt like the sand and the ocean
And I looked into you're blue eyes, and I appreciate the different shades
Fighting for your attention,
and you're oblivious to the war waging
Your laugh is the sweetest sound I've ever heard
And your heart holds the beat
And I can't get that song out of my head
And I hope you'll never leave my bed
Because your body is so warm you could melt all the icebergs
And I laugh as I blame you for global warming
Becuse beauty like yours
Beauty that beams from within and pierces the skin of all those you meet
Beauty that expands like a black hole when you smile and I melt
Beauty like you consumes me.

I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents;
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever bring you back to me

I gave you my heart  

But you didn’t realize  

Because piece by piece  

A heart is easy to disguise



But I gave it to you in the strokes

Of my hand on your chest

And in the beating of my heart

When we laid down to rest



I saw the chance and I

Snuck it in through soft kisses

And you didn’t notice but  

I put in in our interlaced fingers



I saw it gather in your eyes

Saw you piece it back together  

I hope you hold onto it tightly

Because you could have my heart forever

You spat knives
That hit my heart
And you shutting your mouth
Didn’t stop the bleeding
I know I’ve stained your soul
But you’ve left irreparable holes
My heart can’t take this
And your mouth tastes like acid
So you kissed my veins
And my blood turned to poison
It burned through me
And you undressed me
To see the damage
I was naked
Nothing but a broken heart
And scarred skin

You looked deep into my eyes
Like you were searching for something
And I hoped you were looking for me
But you were looking for yourself
So I closed them, **** your ego.