Consuming useless videos and content
Alone in my room
To distract from the racing and hurtful
Thoughts about you
And it always works for a moment
Or a minute or more
Until the intrusive thoughts come back,
Barging down my door
I put it back up, re-***** the hinges
And shut it
And lay back down to consume more
Mindless content

I watched myself die
Played it over and over
Scanned it for all the little details
How did this happen
When did this happen
Why did this happen
I saw myself fall away
Saw the parts of me I loved, leave
And the parts of me I hated, grow
I became super human
Able to shape-shift
I could break, shatter and crumble
And still come back together
You couldn’t see the cracks
But it took all of my efforts
To keep from falling apart again
I wept through the seams I sewed
And said it was sweat and maybe it was
After all I was working so hard
To keep track of all the pieces
I had left of me, the pieces
I didn’t lose when I watched myself die

Death came knocking in the middle of the night
He asked you to join him, death was calm and polite
He had watched you for a while, smiled as you said goodbyes
Death understood the pain and the love behind our cries
He was gentle when he took your hand and led you to the light
Death gave you a shoulder to rest on and he hugged you tight
Death was warm and inviting, he had a familiar face
He opened a door for you that led to an unknown place
Death stayed with you until long after you were gone
He still lets you come and visit in the dusk and in the dawn

My guilt is starved and it’s begun eating me alive
This sick feeling in my empty stomach is the lack of truth I can confide
The distractions aren’t distracting from the thoughts inside my mind
My guilt is unsatisfied and it continues eating me alive

I love him
For five days out of a fortnight
Sometimes less
We spend more time talking
About how much we miss each other
Than we do making up for the lost time
Our five days every fortnight
Are split between his family and friends
And my work
So we end up with weekends
I love him for two days out of a fortnight
And I miss him for 261 days a year
We spend time more time fighting
About how to spend our time
Than we do spending it together
Our bank accounts are more connected
Than sometimes it feels like we are
I get to love him two days out of a fortnight
The same amount of time spent on that plane
Sitting next to strangers
Working for those two days just the same
I love him for one third of the year
The rest I deal with the pain
Patiently waiting for him to come home
And say that was my last day

The wind blows a cool breeze speaking a language that I can only hope to understand
The sun shines through the barriers of leaves cascading down to hold me tightly, comfortably
The foliage steady underneath my unsteady feet promises to give me balance
The water buries the sand pulling it back into line always returning it safely home

A soft creature appears from behind the green wall crouching curiously in fear, denial
Unable to speak like the wind it simply blinks, both yellow eyes; once, twice, three times
The long fur covering it's body blows with the western breeze head tilted towards the east
It rises on two feet; remains stationary, despite the wind pushing it back

An array of colours catches light from the creature; yellow eyes, purple fur, black teeth
The deflection of colours creates a rainbow around the creature; a force field
It casts no shadow despite the downward sun trying its hardest to expose the creature
The array of colours surrounds the creature fading away with the sun behind the leaves.

The foliage struggles against its foot moving forward in a staggering motion as if they were glued
Fallen leaves crumble underneath its feet and flowers rot to a bruised purple
Like quicksand the ground tries to swallow the creature, hold it still despite its strength
Quicksand is not quick enough, the creature shuffles through the dying foliage

The water retreats, taking the sand with it, gathering as large an army as possible
The creature continues forward, the water continues back as far as it can before returning to shore
They meet in an unwelcome collision the water trying to push the creature back, unsuccessful
The creature emerges from the water droplets of water being repelled from its fur

The wind changes direction pointing at me whispering words of caution whispering, yelling
The sunlight illuminates me, sweat drips down my face like tears as if to say: hide
The ground shakes and trembles beneath my feet urging me to move, keep moving
The water reaches for me with open arms to hide in amongst the sand, to return safely

The creature spots me; staring unflinchingly, it stares back into my eyes with yellow ones
It's fur directing it towards me urges it onward dragging it alongside the cool breeze
It's feet start toward me slowly as the trembling ground regains its posture so does it
I stand in awe of this beautiful creature, so frightful so delicate aiming for me

"Humph" the sound of it colliding with me is carried away with the wind, long gone
The sun gleams off its black teeth blinding me before I feel it rip into my neck tearing flesh
The green, brown, purple ground lay stained with my blood dripping from its mouth
The incoming tide holds my hand one last time as the creature drags me back behind the green wall

Her eyes glistened
Not unlike the moon
Or rain drops
When the clouds
Parted and let
The sun through
Her skin felt like
Warm honey
A feeling
You couldn’t
Quite shake
And her lips
Tasted; almost
The same
Her words were
Like ash in the breeze
Effortless and
Memorable
A sound sure
To please

I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents;
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever bring you back to me

I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever set you free

The blood between my legs

Had you salivating

Like you hadn’t eaten in years

And I was a scotch fillet steak

Cooked medium rare

Seasoned well with salt, pepper and fear

Your favourite dish

Served with a side of underage and innocent

Drizzled with balsamic *******

The kind of meal that forces silence

In a room full of people

Fresh blood dripping on your lips with

Eat bite that you took

A sign of a good piece of meat

A sign of it being well cooked

When you finished you didn’t wipe

The grease across your face

You worn it with pride like it was war paint

How can this be
You saying you don't want me
And I'll happily
Agree for us to be everything
But I don't want you to see me
Like this
So I play it off,
Lay it off
Take if off
The layers of my skin peel
To reveal
Me; the utmost form of who I hold true
And you; the utmost form of
"I don't want to use you"

Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state
Does it go up like gas prices do but only on weekdays
Does it have a good exchange rate or is it all the same
Is it worth more at swapmarts when sold to those in pain
Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state

I prefer winter because the cold air reassures me,
the way it caresses my skin and holds me,
until ripples appear on the surface of my trust,
I know not to give in to it's cool, light touch.

You drew blood and I called it paint
As though these veins hold art
And you were creating a masterpiece
To be hung up in my heart

I think the world will drown in my tears
That's how it'll end
I think the world will burn with my fury
That's how it'll end
I think the world will shatter with my screams
That's how it'll end
I think the world will crumble under my feet
That's how it'll end
I think the world will break along with my heart
That's how it'll end


I think the world will end
But let us remain

There’s a world out there,
I am yet to see
Where birds and bugs
Wait patiently.
It’s inhabitants
Don’t hide from the rain
But rather bathe in
Their disdain.
Trees are abundant
And make music; solace
And the animals gather
To hear the sound; flawless.
There is an icy stealth
That settles over
But there are no worries
Ice doesn’t make it colder.

I can draw you pictures of whom I wish to be
But through my own eyes, I can see that's not me

We made assumptions based on daisies
and tied our hair in bows,
sold ourselves without a price tag,
to those we didn't know.

The world is round,
but it's edges are sharp.

Soft whispers that are meant to be calming but instead
Cause a tidal wave of fear and panic
To wash over my logic
And cause a devastating aftermath

You tell me i can say no but cut my words off with the slip of Your tongue
my mouth is but a puppet and Yours, a puppeteer
my feelings simply putting on a performance for Your senses
And i can't let down my audience

my body is private property and You are trespassing,
Hands devouring every inch of bare skin begging for more
And i am frozen, like the trees in the ground my mountains can't tumble in a last effort of self-defence so i stay quiet
Like the house on the end of the street

my emotions have been set on fire and You are the flame
Spreading across my body like the plague
You take advantage of my vulnerable state
Filling me with toxin upon toxin to get me to cooperate

You ask me if i want to as though Your hands don't hold my pride
Fingers wrapped around my oesophagus
Strangling my reprisal
and i am unable to speak through the loneliness

Darkness engulf the room and i can see Your intentions,
Your eyes burn with desire and like a statue
my efforts fail to move You, You are a train heading towards a collision
Your breaks will only slow You down

There is nothing i can do

So i'll sew my eyes shut and my mouth with glue
i'll toss aside my mind to forget about You
i'll shatter my bones and burn off Your touch
And as i lay there, i hope;

That Is Enough.

In the place where dead people come to die
I wait to be seen by someone who can't decide
Wether it's worth it to bother with being nice
Or if it's useless in this place where I have come to die

You could scream my name into the abyss,
and I still wouldn't believe it meant more than this:

That it meant more than the way you hold my hips,
That it meant more than the way we kiss,
That it meant more than you're eyes locked in mine,
That it meant more than all of our time combined,
That it meant more than a bunch of letters,
That it meant more than just to make you better,
That it meant more than you're desire to touch me,
That it meant more than the skyline above me,
That it meant more than the fingers intertwining,
That it meant more than a dark silver lining.

That it meant more than the way you tell me you love me.
That it meant more than the how easily you shrug me
off.

I stayed up late
to talk to you
You invited me to a party
that I couldn't come to
I couldn't get there
And you never offered a lift
All you said was hurry
Please come quick
I said goodnight
You didn't reply
I took it as your drunk mind
Taking its time
But when you still didn't
I began to wonder
Maybe I'm in the wrong
Maybe I made a blunder.

But instead
I laughed, hard like I used to
And your arms felt like the sand and the ocean
And I looked into you're blue eyes, and I appreciate the different shades
Fighting for your attention,
and you're oblivious to the war waging
Your laugh is the sweetest sound I've ever heard
And your heart holds the beat
And I can't get that song out of my head
And I hope you'll never leave my bed
Because your body is so warm you could melt all the icebergs
And I laugh as I blame you for global warming
Becuse beauty like yours
Beauty that beams from within and pierces the skin of all those you meet
Beauty that expands like a black hole when you smile and I melt
Beauty like you consumes me.

I entrusted my sanity in your eyes
Your ******* eyes held my mind
But when you blinked, uncertainty entranced my worrisome mind
And I found myself justifying your eyes; shut, closed, empty

I entrusted my morality in your hands
Two ******* hands held my morals
And you knew it too, so you let go of me
And I found myself desperately clinging to the edge of a cliff, no longer your hands

I entrusted my hopes in your chest
Skin and bones and my ******* hopes
But you exhaled more often than I expected
And I found my hopes drifting further, further away

I entrusted my dignity in your vertebrae
I guess your ******* back was broken, carrying my dignity
It did enough to carry your head high
And I found myself offering to fix it so you could carry more than just mine

I entrusted my happiness in your bowel
Fit so ******* perfect, my happiness in you
But you happened to be so full of ****
And I found myself now wanting my happiness back

They walk as though each step might be their last,
Like the ground might disappear underneath their feet
And oblivion will swallow them whole, in one mouthful

Their eyes are a faded shade of sadness,
Like all the tears in the world have dimmed the
Sparkle that once caught light in the blackest night

They mumbles words of wisdom to an ambivalent crowd
Like the advice might cause indiscretion in
A room full of certainty and over assured egos

I'm still learning how to do this
I'm still learning how to trust
It's harder than I expected
But I'm trying not to give up

You see its all so new to me
All these emotions I'm feeling
But no matter what happens to us
It's us I believe in

And I looked at you
As the world drummed out
Around me
And I saw for the first time
My uncertainty in us
In you
In me
In everything
we could ever be
And I realised
I was giving you all I could offer
And if you didn't want it
I would let you
Be my destruction

I would sooner put a knife to my wrist
Then ever again have to feel like this
I'd slice on, through and through
Until my veins were quite red not blue
I'd drain every single last drop
In hopes that this feeling will stop
But know nothing hurts more than the truth

I would sooner put a noose round my neck
Then to admit that she's correct
Than to admit I'm nothing more
Than those word that chill me to my core
I'd rather be found blue and cold
Then believe the words I'm being told
No I'd rather be found,
hanging;

feet from the ground.

I stabbed myself in the heart
and asked you to watch me bleed
but that proved too hard
So your eyes averted
And I was left staring at
Your retreating figure
And I bled out alone

And I'll never not be sad
About the way the world has turned
From bad to worse
In a matter of moments

And I'll never not be sad
About the way that people
Are able to judge each other
And create a lesser equal

And I'll never not be sad
About my freedom being denied
Because of the way my hips
Make me prey at night

And I'll never not be sad
For the people who can't be
The boys taught emotions are weaknesses
And the homes left empty

And I'll never not want to leave
This horrible place I call home
For my existence is sad and Lonely
Though I am anything but alone

I’m in love with a man
With an unformidable temper
And he loves me
like I’m a punching bag
I’m never prepared when it’s fight night
But I do the best I can
Though he’s Muhammad Ali
And clearly the better man.

The sun is dragged below a sheet of blue
And all I can seem to think of is you
But I'm sat next to an empty space
In the hopes that he can fill your place
But his eyes aren't the blue that I love
And his smile isn't heavenly sent from above
And he doesn't inspire my to be better
So his friends tell him "give up you'll never get her"
And I can't reassure him of how I feel
Because with him I know it's just not real
I can't tell him how each morning I wake up
And think of all the different ways we can make love
Because love isn't what this is; no
So I'm sorry but because of you, I have to let him go

Downstairs awaits me
With warm Chinese food and
A couch otherwise occupied
And I have no desire to
Walk the stairs.

The sun charges through
Blinds that hold strong despite
The danger posed to them and I
Ignore their faded-ness

An empty mug sits beside me
In an unwelcome empty harmony,
Don't look at it. It can will you
To put it in the dishwasher

"I like you"
I wasn't afraid to say
But you didn't like me
And I guess that's okay

There's nothing to be done
And you can't be helped
Because feelings are feelings
And for me, you never felt

So we agree to be friends
But "friends" we do not remain
You ignore my existence
And I ignore the pain

His voice is enough to ignite the fireworks in my chest
O' his words are enough to bring me thoughts of yellow
Thoughts of him; of him of him of him
and the cruelest thought of all
That yellow is the flowers to be laid at my casket

You care about cars
And you care about bras and bars and breaking girl's hearts
But mostly you care about cars

Maybe it's the 4 wheels
Because the 4 wheels are the most you've ever had in your life
And they're the sturdiest thing you got isn't that right
And those 4 wheels don't stop at traffic lights
I think those 4 wheels will take you to heights that
Your legs couldn't

Maybe it's the engine
Because that engine is the only resource you've got for warmth
That engine will carry you through the toughest terrain
That engine will never let you down again
Because you know the cranks more than you know anything
That engine is what's keeping you going

And so you care about cars
And you care about bras and bars and breaking girl's hearts
But now I can understand why you care about cars

I used to want a lover to write a love poem about me

So this is a love poem for me, by me

I make my bed every morning, because it’s the first place I think about being after a long day
And sometimes I lay out pyjamas and face masks in case things don’t go so okay
I drink coffee on my own and enjoy exploring new sites and cities alone
I smile when I lock eyes with strangers and aren’t afraid to strike up conversations
I go swimming in the ocean alone, it’s the only way I truly feel the energy in my bones
I finish hot showers with a blast of cold water and smile when I see fathers and daughters
I think love is perplexing and don’t trust easy
But rest easy knowing I’m right here if I ever need me

How do people do it
This thing this life
I just don't get it
There's no purpose in mine
It's like the sun that rises
Will only fall
And the clouds that cover
Shed tears for us all
The oceans offer safety
In a dangerous form
They offer solitude
Their cold hands seem warm
The trees that surround
Seem barren and bare
For when I look to them
I see my body hanging there