I get high on your words
And drunk on your skin,

I want to drown in your sheets
And I want you in my dreams.

I hope you get drunk when you're dreaming of me,
Because I want to be your drug-induced fantasy.

Do you get high off my scent?
Breathe me in till you can't and then do it again?

How about when we touch,
Do I travel through your veins?

Heat me up in a spoon and take me again
Say you have control but you're trapped in my chains.

Fill your lungs with my nicotine lips,
Dance with the devil and my gasoline hips.

I want you helpless for my inhalant kisses,
Want you desperate for those tweaker blisses.

I want that adrenaline flowing through
You need that high like I need you.

Can you taste the smoke on my tongue?
You loved all the tablets even though they stung.

Dissolving the sadness in the back of your throat
You tasted me once and you got strung.

Sweetness.
Crashing together,
And finally allowing myself to break.
Melting,
Sugar and syrup in my mouth and yours,
A taste that both of us crave.

Embrace,
Security and belonging,
However it does not last in the way we want it.

Snaking,
Reaching underneath,
And an altitude change shakes us
As you tell me I will not fall.
Arms around my waist,
And now I laugh.

"Why do you laugh? What have I done?"

My reply is only
"Your mouth, as sweet as it has ever been,
is on mine, and for as long as I want it to be, it will.
You see, I am not laughing at you, but merely because I have finally received
the subject of my dreams."

He ponders;
And returning to his work I return to mine,
But this time, the sugar is burning into a magnificent taste,
Like glass candy between our tongues,
And raw cane behind our eyes.

I thought I knew what it was like to love you.
I had no idea that it would be a back and forth chase of happiness and anger.
I didn't know I would be upset as much as I am content.
I wish I knew how much fun it would be, and how much pain it would cause.
I wish I would have known that you would be the best worst thing to walk into my life.
I thought it would be easy and then I tried to justify how hard it was.
I know the pain is worth it.
I know the cold gets warmer.
I know my eyes will adjust to the darkness.
I know that you are a permanence to me,
And for you, my love, I am everything.

Let me go,
I want to wander away from my home,
From all I've ever known,
But I am scared,
And I am scarred,
And the cold, harsh wind of reality
Burns my flesh
As it rips my wounds open again.
As I grow, I am stretched,
And I am afraid of getting tall.

Growing taller means you will hurt more when you fall.

Growing taller means you must be above what you once were,
Means seeing all that others below you cannot.

Getting taller means growing up.

I had never once expected
A snake to be so beautiful.

Magnificent serpent, tempt me,
And I will succumb to you.
Show me the apple,
And I will bite it.
I will consume as much needed to please such a spectacular creature.

As long as you may call me yours,
I will be yours.
As long as you may say that you own me,
I will be owned by you.
As long as you may say that I obey you,
I will obey.

No amount of good nor evil may deter me from following the example you set.
No amount of kindness will assuage me,
Nor will it pleasure every desire, every fantasy.

I yearn for your punishment, your sin.
I desire the pain and disappointment that only you can give me.
And I fear that good will soon plague me.
Writing a letter to you, my dear,
And forever wishing you would receive it.

I cannot keep myself from your evil.
I cannot keep myself from sin.
But I find, lately,
That I do not care.
In fact,
I am chasing you.
You and your sin.

I know there will be a day when you realize you don't need me anymore.
I know you will grow and get stronger,
I know you can live without me.
I know the voices will go away and you won't need me to chase them away anymore.
And that's okay.

I miss you now
I missed you then
And I remember way back when
I did anything for you
Who am I kidding?
I still do.

Knotted fingers,
Lacing through my hair.

Rough hands,
Touching me gently.

Broad shoulders,
With arms that hold me.

Strong back,
That lifts me up.

Scarred body,
That has many stories to tell,

And a mean face,
From years of torment,

The body I love,
The body I know,
The body of the person who has my heart.

The boy who owned it still owns me.
The man who carries it is still the boy I'm in love with.

His body, along with his scars, are all that make him perfect.

I want to feel an emotion that's not there,
Some kind of empowerment like you'd hear in an indie song.
I want to feel like someone who can do anything,
I want to feel like I can fly
But there's only my lead feet holding me to the ground,
I won't ever reach the high blue.
And that's okay because some people are meant to stay where they are, right?
I'll never see those baby blues again and that's okay,
Because those baby blues turned into a dull gray,
Dominated by wide black traps
And all the colors of the sky cannot enter them.
I'll never hold those rough hands again but that's alright because they're meant to hold a burning pipe of thick, sweet smoke.
They're meant to work and grip and live a life never meant for them.
I'll never feel that warmth again because it's not there, is it?
It's been long replaced by a hatred for something that you could not control.
Where were we so many years ago?

~ ~ ~
     I want to run my fingertips across every inch of your skin and watch your bones dance beneath your muscles as they work together to move you forward.
     I want to feel the movement of your hips as we dance across the room and sing our favorite songs as loudly as anyone can, because we are in love and know no shame.
     I want to breathe your breath and share your space, even if you're in the shower at six in the morning and I have to go so bad that I can't hold it in anymore.
     I want to teach you everything and learn from you because I'm a ******* about how much I know but I am still clueless and I still have so much to experience.
     I want everyone to know about you but I also want to keep you all to myself because no one else is allowed to have you but you're too wonderful to not talk about.
     I want to watch a thousand suns set with you and I never want to watch you leave again because even if you're just going to work, I know I won't see you for hours.
     I want to experience everything with you because you are my life and you always have been, it's undeniable, irrevocable, unalterable, immutable, and irremediable.

Lovely girl
Young and wild
Show your true face
To me.

What a lovely girl
Young and sweet
Sing to me
A song

Tell me about him,
Lovely girl,
Save for me
His lullaby.

He hums these tunes of the one he loved,
And the fingers that once danced in his hair,
Share with me his breath
Because he has never shared it with me.

But once the drums have calmed
And the engine will not turn,
The sky will soon be dark
And the sleet awaits his arrival.

The picture that he hides from me
Never catches dust,
He keeps the drawer locked
So he can see you every night.

Tell me then,
You lovely girl,
Where are you hiding now?
He cries whenever he speaks to you.

So, lovely girl,
Tell me who you are.
Will you sing to me the song he hums
When I am gone?

It is a cold November morning,
Dew on the grass and a cool blue light in the sky.
There are bunched wet leaves on the ground and
There is fog in the air as his car idles on the street.
The exhaust breathes a light cloud around it,
Faded and cracked paint adorning its surface.

He kills the engine and steps out, the cool air hitting his face as dawn begins to crawl forward. Up the walk to the front door, he knows she will be there. The front door is still locked, but he knows where the spare key is and retrieves it. As the cuts slide past the strike plate and into the cylinder, the lock clicks and releases, letting him inside.
He slips through the crack, careful to keep the door from creaking.

He sees her on the couch, the television playing late night ads. She snores softly. The cat snuggled in her arms purrs, and raises its eyes at him. The animal has awaited his return.

"Come, thing," he softly coos, and removes the feline, setting it aside to follow him in a few seconds.

She still lays on the couch, sound and secure in her reverie. She's carried into the bedroom in the comfort of his arms, and laid under burgundy sheets as the birds begin to sing their songs. He covers her and then settles himself onto the edge of the bed, waiting for her to wake, but careful not to rouse her from her sleep.

A few hours pass, and although he is tired, he stays awake to see her eyes open. Morning light comes in through the windows and the clock on her nightstand reads 8:23 in bright green numbers.

Finally, she stirs. She breathes out heavily and stretches like a cat, her toes extending beyond the blankets around her. Her eyes slowly open and close, like fluttering butterfly's wings. She turns over to her side, and sees him patiently waiting on the bed. Her eyes widen with happiness and surprise, and then the happiness fades. It is replaced with doubt.

She reaches out, slowly, to touch him, her hand shaking. Her lip begins to quiver and tremble.

"Are you real?"

He takes her hand in his own and kisses across her knuckles, making sure that their eyes meet.

"I am real, darling."

I am not a poet,
To write it I'd have to know it
I understand
That blasphemy calls
From turquoise beaches of golden sand
And canopies of mid-state oaks.
Rustling branches amidst a folly
Only I know.
And beyond there are a few roads,
Each to a different cardinal from where I stand,
A crossroads.
Could I? Should I?
Perhaps not, but why so?
Imagine my life, or what may be left of it -
with a golden love only my own,
And every star in her eyes -
Ten years, perhaps, or maybe less to spend,
It does not matter.
Oh, I can see it now.
Ocean storms in her irises
And images of the sun over a calm blue horizon.
Golden strands in her brunette hair,
Even Aphrodite would wish for.
Sweetest bells in her laugh
That every siren would **** for,
But of course she would be sweet and strong,
Kind with a lion's heart.
As I cover what's left of the small tin box,
A rustling I hear behind me.
Branches crunching and shaking, now I see it is dusk,
I look to the water below and see a fine mist above the water,
This is almost like the night she left me.
A large gust of wind blows through my hair and
Her laugh is all I hear next.
I fall, quivering, sobs shaking me as I go,
Looking up once more.
She stands, watching me from a thick brush along the shoreline,
And blows me a last kiss before my eyes close.
*Adrienne

I am a trebled teen;
Living the life of the kids who dare to play their music too loud.
We walk the halls and tickle our snares
While the clarinets whinny
And the flutes whistle a melody out of tune.
We purse our lips
And squeal a note or two:
We play flat and sharp but
We don't care.
My grades aren't the best
And I might hit the reef,
But music is there for me.
We spend Saturdays on a bus
And march in the cold,
Only to watch half a game and then head on home.
But we don't care about any of that
Because it's the music that matters.
It's the music that kept some of them around.
It's the music that lets us be who we are.

I am a trebled teen.

And although it hurt,
I didn't know everything.
Had I known just how bad,
I don't think I'd have been as sad.
Because I didn't know
That you needed me
That you missed me
That you were in pain
That you were abused
That you were used
That she would hurt you
And throw you off a car,
That she would refuse
To take you to the hospital
That you would have a scar on your side
That will be there for forever.
That she would shoot you up
And make you her slave
That you would cry all night
And even all day.
That she would say "I love you"
But you knew it wasn't the truth.
That your family would ask
"Do you remember me?"
And I would say I do
That you could go to rehab and then you'd be clean.
That you never even wanted to leave me
That she forced you to say goodbye
That you knew I would still be there
Without an explanation why.
That she'd scream and yell and hit you
At the mention of my name.
That someone thought they'd play you
Like they play a ******* game.

She is destructive.
Her smoky tail curves and curls around you,
Whipping her deadly gases about.

She breathes out a swirling rainbow
That seems to drown out anything else.
Her breath fades into a deep blackness that consumes everything in sight.

The tar on her skin drips from her tear ducts
and falls upon the ground, sizzling and creating voids
On every inch of free space.

How ugly she is,
And yet she entices you.
How long have you been her entrapped prisoner?
How long have you been chasing after her?

Never love your captor,
Never chase the destruction.
Never say the fire warms you
When I can so clearly see the burns on your skin.
Never say the blade is dull
When you have blood dripping from your wounds.
Never tell me that White Demon has no grip on your forearm,
When I will watch you dragged through mud and blackness
At the cruelty of her hands,
Blindly and unknowing.

How long have you lusted for the White Demon?

If they cannot see
The beauty that I see,
The strength,
The resiliency,
The loveliness,
And how amazing you are,
Then they are blind.

You are stuck in my head, in my blood
To disintegrate with my antidepressants,
Course through my body like a bad dream,
Gone in the morning like a good dream.
I feel you like a ghost standing next to me,
Silent and impatient, I know you hate waiting.

But there's something about getting something well deserved
After all that time of waiting,
After all that time of wondering,
It feels so nice to get a taste of what you were patient for.

To sing a lovesick melody
Of hope and woe,
I'd never want to know
What it feels like to let you go.
I need a saviour from these feelings,
Is this what you wanted?
Be honest with me,
Are you afraid to let me go?

Do you remember all the songs we heard
And everything we watched
When we sat in your room
Wishing that the clock would stop,
Wishing that time would never move on?
We lived like a dream,
It was just you and me
To be stuck inside each other's minds
And then we lost it all.

So now you've been gone,
But you're coming my way.
I missed you, I missed you,
Never leave again
I can't face the day without you,
I don't want to doubt you,
But I am still afraid of waking up
From a dream that's gone on and on.
It's dragging, it's lagging,

But it's like a favorite book,
And there's that desire
To get to the fire at the end but
You know you will be sad when it ends
And you will tell all your friends about it,
You will gush,
You will blush,
You will rush to read the book again
And you will cry when the guy dies
Before he could tell the girl that he loved her.

So I suppose that after losing the point of this poem,
It's to say that I know you and what you will do.
Despite all of that, I still really love you.
Never lose sight of who you are,
And know that you will always have my heart.

Only seven years old
And I was no longer a beautiful rose.

Wilted, dying, deflowered.

But like a tree falling in the woods,
Do I even make a sound at all?

Too young to understand,
I never said anything.

But as I grew,
I felt... bad.
*****,
Unworthy,
Unlovable.

I felt that there must not be a single person on earth
Who could ever take me as I am,
Broken.

When I began to understand, I still said nothing.
And when it happened again,
This time by someone closer,
I knew what it was.

I felt betrayed.
I felt sick.
Like I had just done the worst thing any human being could have possibly done.
Like I was a failure,
I felt terrible.

Months passed, and eventually I got better, but not without my family
Taking note of that short period when I wasn't okay.
They never knew.
They still don't know.

That when I was seven,
I was ruined.
That, as I turn sixteen,
I fear the life ahead of me because of what they did.
That, when I see him, one of them,
And I hear him coughing and out of breath,
Alzheimer's taking him, slowly, not fast enough,
I wish for him to die.

That I fear every male I come into contact with.

That I lived with my tormentor.

That they took my innocence,

That it wasn't just one,
It was two,
And I remember every detail even though I may lie about it.

I might say "I don't know."
"I don't remember."
But every last second, colour, texture, feeling, breath, detail,
Is forever etched into my mind.

I want his hair
I want his eyes
I want his features to be mine.

I want his friends
I want his girl
I want to live his life.

I want to be him,
Because he has her
She makes the world go round
But he doesn't even notice her.

He ignores her.
I adore her,
Does she know I exist?

I would treat her better,
I would make her my world,
If she would only know I exist.

I see the way she looks hopelessly at him,
Eyes full of love.

How I wish I had her love like that
Even her attention would be a marvel to me.

But oh, I cannot have her.
I cannot have her
Nor her words,
Nor her touch or her gaze.

I cannot have her eyes look upon me with that love which she so willingly gives to someone else.

I could never be the apple of her eye,
But here I remain.
I will sit and wait, a lowly apple in the orchard,
Longing for the day when she finally picks me.

You said you still liked me
But that you didn't know if you could still trust me.

And you said that you were sorry
But you still got up and left me.

You said you didn't know what to say
When I only mentioned his name.

But he was just a friend,  
And you are still my love,

Never had I cheated,  
I'd never given up.

I know that trying to save you
May have cost me dearly.

But there is so much more to love
Than loving your looks clearly.

There is so much more to trust
Than only feeling lust.

And there is so much more to you
Than I ever thought before.

You've been broken,  you've been bruised,
You need me but I need you more.

I know that trust is earned,
And patience must be learned,

But dear, look at my face,
Your trust in me won't be misplaced.

I will be fine
I am alright.
Don't worry about me
Sweet dreams, good night

We are the light in the sky which is dark at times
And we are the street lamps that turn off when it's too light outside,
We are candles that burn brightest at night
And we are the lamp which lets you lose yourself in the pages of a book,
When you are entranced in the world and you have no way to get there in the dark.
We are the road which you remember,
But are not willing to travel,
The memory of good times and bad, best and worst,
And we are the feeling you get when you lose the one you love the most.
We are consequences, in all of their ugliness and wretched acts,
Where they steal you away into a spell
And shove apologies out of your mouth,
They spew and fly and are a mess of profuse "I'm sorry's"
Mixed with regret and a wish to go back.
We are freedom,
As well as it is but as perilous as it can be,
As dangerous as one can make it.
We are one and none,
Together and apart,
Me and you,
One and two,
But you may never see what I use as glue.
I use my soul and all of the promises she made;
That I would find what I have now and that it would last for me,
That I would always have it,
Please stay.

Please,

Could you forgive me

When my name can no longer be spoken?

Could you forgive me if I'm not open

With you?

If I fell today,

If I went away

What is the first thing you'd do?

And here I am,
Once again screaming out
But I fear that no one
Can hear me.
What if
They just don't care
Anymore?

Enough words said,
Enough lies spoken.
You did it again
So you get a token
To ride this train down
Right to the edge of town
To drop you off
You'll laugh, you'll scoff.
But if you think that you're so tough
"I'm mature like an adult cause my life's been rough"
Then take that train ride like a knife,
I promise you ain't ready for life
Because when that train comes down the tracks
Life's gonna get you like an axe.

When in eight days
My body is my own
And I will be consumed by fire.
Smoke is curling in the air
And burning with desire.
Demons chase but stop at the porch
When I turn the latch on the door
Of this house,
This hole-in-the-wall place that I call home.
The place where I am never alone.
The place where you are
In the late of night
Listening to music
Are you alright?
We are nailed,
We are glued,
You're stuck to me, I'm stuck to you.
I shall be my own
My free
And you will be beside me
When I almost scream
Because there's a needle under my skin
And there's blood on the sheets
That you just washed but you swear it's okay
Because that's what you do for someone you love
Don't give up on me
Don't give up on us.

A heart of Fire;
But soul of Ice,
And she loves with passion
He longs to entice.

Listen once more
To a heartbeat that roars;
The flames of her love
Only burns behind doors.

His eyes see only her own,
And his cold on her has grown.

The embrace of him frozen,
And her body he has chosen.
He wants it willfully,
Plans to take it skillfully,
But this she will not have.

A guarded phoenix flying,
His shards of ice are prying
And to take her, he must maintain vanity,
But she, smarter and with sanity,
Rejects.

War at oneself.
Two sides,
And forever fighting,
Two sides,
Quick as lightning.

Fire and ice,
The naughty and the nice,
**** one side,
The other begins to die.

There is a fire within him
And there are sparks to light it
They only have to get hot enough
To finally ignite it.

But I am told my heart is cold
And I will never warm him
There's ice in me that grows so fast
I know that I should warn him.

Leave,
Go.
So far away from here.
Run until you can't see
Walk until you can't be
Seen within the proximity
Of everyone and everything.
I never even thought
That you could quit the walk
That all the words in all the world
Would ever make you stop.

Now I see the sky

And before I had convinced myself that there was no sky to see.

There were no stars, and no sun.

The entire world was below at my feet,

And I had never thought to look up.

I no longer stare at the ground,

Because now I see the sky

I have tried to show her
That love is not a waste.
She lays upon my chest at night,
My arms around her waist

She will cry in her sleep,
There's nothing I can do
Every time I open my eyes,
She's a new shade of blue.

I hate seeing her sad.
It tears my heart apart.
I just want to make her happy
She's my own form of art.

I've got blood on my hands now
And I don't know who it's from.
I've spent so much time ripping heads off
But I tore out my heart,
What about you?
I'm so angry I never realized that you heart was torn out too.
It's really so weird,
Thinking that life goes on.
When you and my heartbeat were the only things that told me I was alive.
Where did everything go wrong?
And it makes me feel stuck, the fact that I'm so numb.
Shouldn't I feel more?

no
oh god, no
leave me be

dreams of you are ruining my sleep

run away,
far, far, away

in those terrible white heels i see

plaguing me
you wore a baby blue and white boho dress

and it wounds me
as it sits in my closet
because I haven't touched it since

it was yours, in my mind.
always yours
from the moment the fabric graced your hips
and that smile spread on your lips
and you turned into someone new

there was something about the ensemble,
later that night
inhibition melted away and I saw the real you for a moment,
or a few

strange that you are so many complex people
wrapped into one shallow being

that you would be scared to show me again who you were once truly
as if the entire world watched through my eyes

but I can promise, friend no longer,
it was only myself, and my whole self,
who watched you
in hatred and admiration

I think this is too much for me
Having to know the person I am becoming

Who is she, I wonder

A wild and carefree bird,
Waltzing with the wind?

A bright and daring fire,
Who warms those around her?

As fluid as the creek
And just as stubborn?

Or she could possibly be

Like a glittering earthen crystal
Hardened by pressure?

But oh what it would be
to know even a little of me

Wow,
I am 18 years old.  
Wow,
How fascinating.
Wow,
Doesn't it feel great...
To be an adult,
To be 18...

I feel like screaming out to everyone and the world that I am not who you think I am
I am trying so hard to be so much more but I feel like my attempts are so futile
What do I do?
I want to run and run and run but my lungs can't handle it
And I want to love and love and love but no one can act right
No one knows how to hold on to what they want, even if it means losing them for a little while
No one knows how to accept that you have to play the game to win even though you don't want to,
You feel like it's admitting defeat but if you win in the end, what's losing a few battles in the beginning?
What's giving up now if you can rise to power when you most need it?
What's backing down now when you'll know how to stand up later?
What's running if there is no walking?
What's love if there is no hatred?
What happiness if there is no anger?
What is empowerment if there is no helplessness??