hey.
how are you?
i can tell you havent been doing the best lately.
you dont have to lie, i can see it in your face.
i know the pain and love and lies youve been through
and i know it hasnt been easy.
i know you want help.
and let me tell you
nobody knows you
and nobody can help you
the way i can.
im fully aware i havent been here for you these past few years
and im sorry about that.
i didnt know how to help.
but now, seeing how much the past couple weeks have
torn you apart
is tearing me apart.
im never going to let you down again.
you may not think or feel it,
but i love you.
hush hush, dont cry now !
those words can be hard to hear, im sorry.
lets get those tears wiped up.
see? all better.
as i was saying, youre going to prosper
and im going to help you through it
every step of the way.
you deserve to be happy
and you deserve to be loved
and we are going to work together to get you there, understand?

my hands are shaking
even just typing this

you make me jittery
my mind is hyperactive
i cant focus on a **** thing

each thought lasts less than a second
bouncing back and forth
between topics

our relationship is bitter sweet
i may love the taste
but i hate the effects you have on me

once i finish the cup
youre gone
yet you linger in the worst ways

how do i stop this
how can i make it go away

i am desperate to get you out of my system

imagine having an allergy
to your favorite fruit.

you never want to stop
eating it
because its your favorite
of every fruit
youve ever tried.
but every time you do
it is followed by
pain
and regret.

you take your medicine
to ease the reaction.
hopefully this is
the last time you taste it.

however
your favorite fruit
is addiciting
and that will never
ever change.

neither will your love
for your favorite fruit.

my feet are the brains of this chase
numb and blistered and calloused and bleeding
the skin on my shoe-less heels ran raw
made visible to brandish my journey
from one end of your heart to the other

i got my sign,
my heart dropped at what i saw.
im not going to whine,
but youve left me in awe.

you are unpredictable,
i know that for a fact.
highly indictable,
yet you think im acting wack?

never in a million years
would i have expected this from you.
you must know im drowning in tears,
and my hearts in need of glue.

i miss you, sweetheart.
i miss everything you come with.
bit by bit it tears me apart,
my heartache aint a myth.

so yes, i want you back.
but please know i have changed.
my heart rid of the black,
i know the rules of the games.

im still the sweet, soft me
that i know you adored,
thats the part only youd see
but i guess you got bored.

i do agree,
this is a thing of the past.
but this time, you and me,
id try to make us last.

ive saved myself for you,
not letting anyone close.
because its no question who
i still love the most.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the soft pitter-patter
of rain hitting my window
but i cant stop thinking
about you.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the dark butterfly
fluttering about in my backyard
but i cant stop wishing
you were here with me.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the crackle of the old record
i hear coming through the speaker
of my player
but i cant stop
replaying our conversations
in my head.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
everything
except you
but i cant
stop.

my hand trails the surface
of the empty spot in my bed,
aching for your chest to be beneath my touch.
my fingers clench the sheet,
making it crumple the same way your t-shirt would.
my hand floats to the pillow <your cheek>
not letting my fingertips escape the flow of movement
up the bed <your collarbone, your neck>
my thumb grazes the corner of the pillow
and i cant help but mistake it for your jaw.
gently caressing the lump of manufactured cotton,
i can see you looking down at me with those sleepy eyes
which i do so adore.
my leg finds its way around my body pillow <your leg>
and they <we>  are entangled.
imitating warmth and comfort
and making up for the what-could-have-beens,
my bedside knows only the truth of my loneliness.
christmas lights gleaming at the sight of my yearning
like smiles from sad stars.
the clock on my nightstand ticks and tocks,
reminding me of missed opportunities and wasted time.
the ceiling fan wizzes away each sigh of desperation.

wild and violent and merciless and irrational and hard and strong and troubled and excited and loud and rough and sharp and controlling.

but soft and delicate and gentle and caring and tender and warm and compassionate and pleasing [oh so pleasing] and kind and pleasant and loveable.

these qualities go hand and hand, fitting perfectly with one another.
the perfect balance of black and white
evil and good
insanity and sanity
devil and angel.

today you dropped
a bomb on me.
you asked me
if i love you.
of course my answer
was fogged by hesitation
and stuttering
making my rebuttal clear.

i wanted to tell you
but i was so scared.
scared of unreciprocation
and rejection.
scared it would be too much for you
too overwhelming
and you would want to leave again.

the truth of the matter is
i am utterly
head over heels
in love with you.
there's not a thing in my mind
that tells me otherwise.

ive imagined a life without you
and lived a short one too
i hated it
you were the only thing
on my mind
every waking moment
and every sleeping one , too.
you wouldn't leave my head.

i wake up and i dont miss you
or wish you
were here

i get in my car and i don't feel
the heel
of your hand on my cheek

i read my old poems and i'm not in love
like i was
before this

who knew i'd be okay
everyday
without you , dear ?

i am no longer ,
erase me from your mind.
be happy with her ,
in time i'll be fine.
sacrificing my happiness
for the sake of your own ,
it takes strength
but it's proof that i've grown.
shall we meet again ,
maybe things will have changed.
though until then ,
we must be estranged.

ive never trusted myself
enough to not rely
on anyone else
for my happiness

because of all the
pain
and loneliness
and abandonemt
that has been dropped on me
it makes me think
i am the problem.

ive learned to be alone.
ive learned how to curate
contentment.
ive learned the difference
between doing things for yourself
because you want to
and because you need to.

i dont want to need anyone,
but because of my past
its in my blood
and my mind
that i cannot function alone.

when i do start to need someone
and i attach myself to them,
they always leave me.
they make my trust
and reliability issues
go down the drain
all over again.

i know there will be times
when i need someone again
but im so scared of backtracking.
im so scared to just throw away
all of the progress i have made.

my heart is continuously transitioning from an icy blue to a happier and fuller sister of red: yellow.
not just any old yellow, but the one that makes your heart rate steady; the soft one. the yellow that lays you down in a field of luscious pink flowers beneath a baby blue sky sprinkled with dusty white cotton ball clouds. she may have even packed a picnic of painfully sweet fruits and a bottle of crisp rosé bubbly. she's the yellow that smells of warm, clean air, and is comfortably cold in your lungs as you gently inhale the heavens, and exhale the weight of the world.
the yellow that feels familiar in all sorts of ways, but you cant quite tell what it is. she can wrap you in her arms as you cry, wiping away the salty stains left by twofold tears as they fell from your harp strings of eyelashes.
come, place your hand over my heart and let me transfer waves of my color to you.

there is nothing like
a hot mug of tea
and a silent phone call
with the one you care about
and love most.

the tea flows past your lips,
over your tongue,
down your throat,
supplying endless warmth
throughout your body.

on your phone,
you see a dark screen.
from your speakers,
you hear a dim electrical static
and soft breathing.
you realize she fell asleep.

you let her rest
because she needs it.
she's had a rough day.

she feels so alone
in her hardly lit room,
but so comforted
being with you on the phone.
having you there for her
without physically being there.

it makes you a better person,
i think.
having the power
to support someone
in a time of need,
despite all the trouble
you have been going through yourself.

you push all of your problems aside
to help others.
that is what helps you the most,
being able to make others feel good.
because you don't feel good
until the people around you
do too.

i see you from across the room.
every word i want to say
immediately vacates my mind.

countless nights wasted away
planning my course of action.

'what tone of voice do i use?'
'am i allowed to use your name?'
'can i make eye contact?'

as i begin to saunter towards you,
i feel as though my feet are cinder blocks.
my hands have never shaken so indomitably.
my lungs are pumping air i cant breathe.

everything is moving so slow,
yet before i know it,
your name escapes from between my lips so effortlessly,
like ive never stopped saying it.

but the moment you looked up
and your eyes met mine,
all of the lust,
love,
pain,
and loss
you had once implanted in me
flooded my heart.
i am nearly drowning.

my voice is quivering
and tears are swelling in my eyes.
yet somehow,
in some such way,
my head is clear.
i know what i want to profess to you.

the words pour out of my mouth
like a child spilling a drink.
there is no pause,
no break,
it all comes out at once.
everything i have wanted to,
needed to
get off of my chest
for much too long of a time
to be healthy.

you feel so distant.
so disconnected
as if i never meant a thing to you.
i can see it in your eyes, though.
the guilt is wearing you thin.
youve always been good at suppressing emotions
you dont want others to see.

i say my final few words
and you dont say a thing.
you stand there,
a stone cold boulder,
trying to not erode.
listening or not,
there you were
tarrying unbroken eye contact.

i turn away
instantaneously being able
to catch my breath.

i never realized how much closure means to me
until now.

cadence cadence cadence cadence
cadence cadence cadence.

rhythm rhythm rhythm rhythm
rhythm rhythm rhythm.

patience patience patience patience
patience patience patience.

hidden hidden hidden hidden
hidden hidden hidden.

that word
isnt something i have.
i was close
to actually doing it today
but i still get so nervous around you.
so i took it to my phone,
and let her do my ***** work.
its much easier that way.
less stressful and awkward, too.
im glad i did it.
i hope this can be the start
of something better.
i want better.

sweet words flow from your mouth
forming a river that i drown in.
with each gasp for air,
in comes more water.
yet your diction is so pure
that i begin to appreciate the liquid
disrupting my breathing.

where were those words
when everything began falling apart?
they were supposed to keep us safe
but it's like we forgot how to speak.

forwards.
backwards.
left.
right.
up.
down.

all these directions
i could choose,
but the only one
i want to go
is far
far away.

i used to never kiss you
with my eyes closed
because you felt like a dream
and i feared you'd be gone
by the time i opened them

if a feeling could be expressed
as a color
this one would be red.
my surroundings are glowing
a magnificent shade of crimson.
i am a steep
slippery *****
of lava
racing down the side of a volcano
leaving everything i touch
with my fiery energy
nothing but a memory
of happier
and more beautiful times.

drown me
in the molten liquid
that is my blood.

maybe people are meant
to fall in love
but not meant
to be together.

i was coming to terms with this
only to find out
we werent in love.
i was.
you never loved me
you didnt feel anything for me
you tried to,
but loving someone isnt something
you can make happen.

we always said we were meant to be, right?
soulmates
perfect for each other
you said our love was pure
and real
and unbreakable.
look at it now,
its shattered.

falling in love with you
was the easiest thing
ive ever done.
falling out of love
will be the hardest.

ive caught myself
dreaming about your hands
and your lips
on my skin.
you are feeding me
your warmth.

the image of you
right there
next to me
is so vivid.
and your touch
feels so real.

but i wake up
and my bed is empty
and my body is cold.

i want
to fall back asleep
so maybe
i can feel your touch again.

even if it is
just a dream.

douse me in gasoline,
the liquid to fuel my passion.
strike a match upon my skin,
ignite the flame that was once within me.
warm me up,
feeling cold is getting old.

dreaming of your embrace,
blind to the sight
of the inevitable burns
you have been cursed with
through my touch.

we love like the sun
and the moon.
a beautifully
hopeful love;
a despicably
fruitless fate.

even the most beautiful roses
have thorns.
you find one you love
you care for it as though
it is your only child.
but despite how well
you treat your flower
one wrong move
and it ****** you.
it happens in an instant.
before you can even
recognize your mistake
youre bleeding.
blood trickles down the stem
and it stains the leaves
as a constant reminder
of the time your beloved rose
hurt you.

there is familiarity in abstraction
but only visible to those
who have trained themselves to see the truth

my heart is stuck in the hands
of someone not worthy
of holding such a fragile part of me.

it has been broken,
crushed between their fingers,
yet i still let them carry the pieces
because i dont have the strength
to do it on my own anymore.

being alone for so long
is so tiring
that even the filthiest hands
look as though they were designed
to carry diamonds.

the need
the want
the urge
to spread all the love that has been
building up inside me
grows so strong
that it blurs any sense of good judgement
i may have.

i gave all of my love to someone
that my mind knew would
only hurt me in the end,
but my heart still yearned for.

after a while,
they got tired of my love.
they moved onto their next victim
and did all the same things
i fell in love with
to someone that wasnt me.

their collection of hearts
continuously grows
larger
and larger.
eventually,
their hands are full of broken pieces.

i cant tell which are mine anymore.
and i will never
get those pieces of myself back.

temporary fulfillment for lifelong emptiness
though we all seek further satisfaction
knowing it won't last
satisfaction cannot be trapped-
nor held by lock and key
our knuckles turn white
due to our lack of willingness to let go

home is where i
feel safe.

home is where i
can cry
scream
punch
and kick
without fear
of judgement.

home is where i
can be who i am
and not worry about
having to be someone else.

home is where i
can express emotion
and not feel as a burden
for letting people
into my mind.

home is what i
think of
when i think of
comfort
and warmth.

home is what i
think of
when i think of
you.

you invite me into your heart
give me a warm welcome

lead me through the foyer
and show me around

but it all feels familiar
i think ive been here before

you learn
all those beautiful love poems
you read over and over
filling you with butterflies
weren't about you.
you are not the focus
of the poets affection.
you are not the one
giving them inspiration and spark
to bleed love onto paper.

and that's when it seeps
into the deepest parts of your skin.
crushing your bones
tearing your muscle
ripping you to shreds.

i regret telling you my biggest fears,
you only used them against me in the end.

her walk makes me dream of
ripples in a pond
slow , gentle , liquefied motion
her arms sway
as they are the wind
that makes the water dance.

when i hear her laugh
my ears buzz with the sound
of her joy
crisp and clear,
but comforting
like the moment the sky
is full of thick white clouds
and the sun breaks through.

some say
they do not belong
to a person
to an object
to a place
or to anything.
i,
however,
belong to the world.
she
[the world]
that has taught me
who i am
who i want to be
and who i do not want to be.
i am a product
of perfect successes
and miserable failures
[for i have been built by both]
i am the difference between
mistakes made
and plain ignorance.
i belong to the world
that continuously shows me
evil and terror and hatred
and love and care and compassion.
she has raised me
to be a creation
of something taken for granted
and she is teaching me
to not follow in her footsteps.

i think of you mistakenly
i pray you lay awake and see
our future , us together
for always and eternity

you've left me for good
though you'll never be gone

it happened in a flash.
we didn't see it coming.
i wasn't expecting to fall so hard
so fast.
but you
oh , you
didn't fall.
you hardly even stumbled.
how unfair is that ,
that the one you fell for
hardly feels the same.
it hurts
it feels like i'm not worthy of being loved
it feels like youre just playing with me.
don't get me wrong,
i love being played with.
just not like this.
i can promise you will be long loved
but i'm scared we will be short lived.
there's only so much playing one can handle.

he calls me
lumiere de ma vie
which means
light of my life
in the language
of love.
for me
he is the
docile light
melting through my window
making for the most beautiful morning.
he is the
warmth peering from behind
the darkest cloud
on a bone chilling day.
he is the
overwhelming feeling
of comfort in your skin
when the sunlight hits you
just flawlessly.
he is the
lumiere de ma vie.

what difference would it make
if we all stayed silent ?
the words we speak
the sorrows we weep
they have no voice.
we fill the air with empty sound
contaminating our ears
listening to the noise
spilling from lying lips.

you are a magnet
drawing me in when i get within a certain proximity
pulling away has never fallen inferior to the most difficult of tasks

inching closer
every day
first its eye contact from across the room
then we make it a point to walk past each other
knowing the other will notice
eventually we are making small talk
which leads to bigger talk
which leads to
the
talk.

the talk that neither of us want to have
but need to have
it hasnt come yet, but it will
soon enough

there is a fire
burning the back of my throat
and it shows no signs
of being put out.

there is a racecar
doing laps in my head
and the driver can't hear
my cries
begging him to slow down.

there is a bull
trying desperately
to buck off his rider
in my stomach
but the rider is holding on tight.

my knuckles have turned white
from how tightly
i have clenched my fists.
thank god i trimmed my nails
if i hadn't,
droplets of blood
would be falling from my fingertips
leaving an artwork
of my mania
on the concrete.

Look at  us
Cant you see we are in need of saving?
The dark eyes and tired smiles
Desperate for a hand to hold

Damaged
Broken thoughts and demented mindsets
Scared of the darkness that we roam unconsciously

Hear our cries
Listen to the words we weep
Our shouts of passion and anger
We deserve to be heard
             
 Misunderstood
Incapable of persuasion
They will not take our humanity into consideration
                        
Stripped
Torn away were our identities
Forced to conform to a world so unoriginal
                
Possessed
Taken hold by the evil
Of our minds
And the world
                          
Corrupt
We know no balance nor equality
Overthrown by predators

we all do things
we wish we hadn't.
it's part of human nature.

some people do things
and push it aside
and act like it didn't happen.
those people
never grow.

others own their mistakes
and make sure those affected
know how truly disappointed
in themselves they are
and how they wish they hadn't
made that mistake.
those people
deserve even the slightest respect
despite how royally they ****** up.
[call me the queen of england.]

it takes courage
to be your own tattletale
but it's more mature
and braver
than hiding from your wrong doings.

what if this is all just one big act?
what if you dont actually feel what you write,
causing me to look a fool
by believing the lies you are spooning into my mouth.
please tell me im wrong.
please tell me you truly feel how you say you do.
please tell me i meant
or mean
something to you.
i hate having to figure it out on my own.
i need to be reassured.
these past few days have been ******* hell for me.
everyday i find something else that makes me need you more.
i cant keep this up.
i hope you cant either.
i know its wrong of me to want you like this
trust me, im trying to change it.
but i cant.
youve proven to me that you are what i need.
pardon my french
but ******* for being so **** near perfect in so many ways.
i dont believe in him,
but ive been praying to god for a sign.
a sign that maybe we can try again
and maybe it will be different.
please give me a sign.
i cant keep guessing.