staying up late , missing your voice.
wishing you hadnt made that choice.

the choice to leave , the choice to quit.
the choice that broke my mind a bit.

you gave me heaven then you took it back.
the only thing left was my heart that cracked.

had you tried , we couldve worked.
but you left , and it still hurts.

i know im no good and that im worthless.
theres nothing to do that could make it hurt less.

i sit here , head in my hands.
my mind rummaging through all our old plans.

you sit there, not caring my heart is in flames.
wondering whos the next player in your games.

light up
take a puff
blow it out
gone with the wind
itll be fuzzy soon

push down and twist to open
snag a few
down the hatch
with a swig of that drink
you stole from your parents

open that bottle of drink
sip sip sip
oh it burns
but it burns so good
shh, youre starting to get woozy!

silent whispers fill my head
though all of their voices are the same:
yours.
gentle endearments tingle through my ears
walking to my car, the wind wraps its arms around me
and for a passing moment i feel your fingertips on my skin.
the sun is blinding, and in the glare i see
the reflection of me in your eyes.
a dark cloud rolls by and suddenly
its pouring
standing alone in the dark parking lot
unable to distinguish tears from falling rain.
jumping over puddles feels like crashing through waves
in the midst of an evil winter storm.
inside my car is freezing
parallel to the memories i share with you.

at this point
i'm getting tired
of not talking
(especially how we used to)

i want to feel
the energy
that your presence exudes.

i miss the excitement
that comes with
seeing your face
and hearing your voice.

the day we met
you planted caterpillars in me.
every time we talked
those caterpillars grew
then cocooned
and eventually
they were butterflies.

i remember they always fluttered around
when i saw you
or heard your voice
or even heard your name.
it was a beautiful feeling, truly.
i felt light.

but those butterflies in my stomach
turned to wasps when you left.

now when i see you
or hear your voice
or even hear your name
those wasps start stinging
my head gets hot
my fists mold into grenades.

i wish you hadnt planted
those caterpillars in me
for everyday i get stung
and its all your fault.

today marks the last day
i will ever hear your nails
sliding on the tile.
never again
will i step in the small droplets of water that would drip off of your chin after you drown your tongue in water.
never again
will i open the fridge
and feel your running
through the floor
trying to get what's inside.
never again
will i wake up to the smell of your breath
and the wetness of your mouth
all over my face.
never again
will i be able to sit and cry
and have you laying beside me
because you can tell when something's wrong.
never again
will i be able to grab you
by your big fluffy head
and tell you i love you.

i'm scared to drive home
and pull into my driveway
because i won't see your face through the small part of the window on the stairs you would always peek through.
i'm scared to walk through my front door after school,
because you won't be there to greet me.

mom and dad already put all of your toys in the garage.
they couldn't bear to do it today.
i don't blame them.

cancer is an awful ******* thing.
we treated you so well for these ten years,
we don't deserve to have you ripped away from us like this.
it's not ******* fair.

but now you can run as fast and long as you want.
go chase all the snakes we never let you chase in our backyard because we didn't want you stepping on the flowers.
go have fun up there, buddy.
rest easy.
i love you.

when my therapist asked
if ive ever experienced
love
i saw your face
i felt your hands
i heard your voice.

but

when my therapist asked
if ive ever experienced
heartbreak
i saw your face
my hands went cold
my ears were ringing.

id like to thank you
and my persistence
for helping me realize
what ive needed to realize
for so long.

because you showed me
you dont really care anymore
i am able to put myself
over you.

im not going to do things
do catch your attention
or make you think of me.
im not going to write
about the heartbreak
and heartache
you brought me.
im not going to listen
to those songs
and feel an empty space
[the space you used to fill]

i finally feel okay
with you being gone.
i feel a weight off of my shoulders.
i can finally move on
and find happiness
thats not with you.

ive grown so dexterous
in veiling
my dismays
and despairs
that i can no longer
elucidate the difference
in healing
and in hiding
for it all feels the same.

staring at your name;
seeing it on my screen
for the first time in years

trying to find a different name
than the one i was reading

i had always been skeptical
about resurrection,
tonight you proved it true

why wont you let me move on?
is it because you dont want me to?
you dont want me to find happiness
with someone else?
or are you just plain sadistic,
forcing this pain on me?

every time i think i can breathe,
there you are again
with your hands around my neck
cutting off my oxygen supply
making me lightheaded.

every time i try to move,
i realize my arms and legs have been tied down
and there you stand
taunting me at the end of the bed.

why do you have to be so cruel to me?
its probably because you know i live for the pain.

youre the worst type of lover
to fall for.

you break hearts
before yours can be broken
because its less painful
to hurt others
than it is to be hurt.

you are saving yourself
from the torturous nights
and bone shattering mornings
going to sleep
and waking up alone.

i search for you
in the places i know
i might find you.

seeing you
even after all this time
is going to break my heart
into a million more pieces,
but a wave of comfort
and warmth
will flood my mind
and body.
and i have been so cold lately.

i know i shouldnt
want to see you,
for i have worked too hard
trying to move on
to just stomp on all of my progress.
but i think the biggest reason
i want to see you
is so you can see me.

i may not be doing good
but i want our memories,
our wonderful,
exciting memories
to rush through you
and fill your heart with ice
so you can be cold
like i have been since you left.

the most wonderous feeling
is realizing that maybe
just maybe
im not a *******
you just dont know
how to show me otherwise

should you be there, dreaming of me too,
i hope youre dreaming of the soft clouds of kisses we shared
and the sweet perfume of my nervousness.
i hope youre dreaming of the moments where it was just us two,
the surrounding world drowned out by the beating of our hearts and dull whispers of unwritten love stories.
should you be there, dreaming of me too,
i hope youre dreaming of the electrifying touch of our fingers, hands, minds, and souls.
i hope youre dreaming of the comfort and safety we found in one another, feeling at home as long as we were together.

the atmosphere is scorching
the heat of your cruel intentions
spread like wildfire.
your dark
mysterious demeanor
draws me into bed.
and not straying from my
typical self
i am submissive
to the temperature.
the way it burns
leaves me begging for more.

the devil
is who you are.
malicious volition
that you circumvent
as an angel would.
which allows me
to disclose
im sleeping with the sweetest
of devils.

a darkness does welcome me into a world of the unknown. its hands bound so tightly around my fragile wrists, they snap with grace and ease, painlessly. whilst dragging me too quickly for me to catch my step, its hands move to my shoulders, tautening its grip with unspeakable force. i feel the crush of my once in-tact bones.  fear growing inside me, the anxiety ridden heat bubbling its way from my stomach to my throat. exiting silently, my mouth wider than my eyes, i cannot voice my wishing for it to stop. in my ear is an unmistakably familiar voice assuring me of my fate. she tells me i will not escape, for this is an eternal hell ive become infected with. hell, a sickness? rather than a place for the ******? the skin on my knees has taken a leave of absence. permanently, perhaps. the sensation of rock filing against my poor, young bones should feel as a fire eating at my body. howbeit, i feel nothing. is it so-? is this is not a dream, my unconsciousness protecting me from the torture i do endure as we speak?

my feet are tired
and my legs ache
and my chest is heaving
from all the running around
you have caused me.

the constant back and forth
is wearing me thin
and i dont want to run anymore
at least let me walk
and catch my breath
before making me sprint.

he is the light
i see in the sky
while laying on a sandy blanket
at the beach
in the night.

he is the yellow and white
twinkle in space
that i wish to float in.

he is the radiant glimmer
of joy and love
you dont need a telescope to see
[if youre lucky]

he is my starboy.

what a strange thing it is
to feel as if someone is trying
to communicate with you
in the most uncommon
and particular ways.

maybe youre too scared
to face the reality
of what you did.

maybe youre more weak
than you make yourself
out to be.

whatever it may be,
i notice.
i can analyze
and interpret
and find the meanings
of everything.
dont think i wont know
its about me.

from my point of view
all of this would be so much easier
if you would just ******* talk to me.
the back and forth
the petty and childish posting
is unnecessary.

in all honesty
i want you to talk to me.
i want a civil relationship,
not all of
whatever you are trying to do.

until then,
"stay out of my way"
and let me be okay.
okey dokey, if you will.

i may be bitter,
but you still taste like candy to me.

i allow myself to wonder how you are,

but i cant bring myself to ask.

in front of the tree, the leaves look bland;
a full tree with no purpose.

underneath the tree, the light shines onto your feet.
through the leaves and spaces between them
pour marvelous shades of green, red, and yellow.

differing in intensity, the once thought as a bland tree is
remarkably deep and varying.
encapsulating your eyes in a world of color,
you see the purpose growing from its branches.

with every blow of the wind,
the tree shivers in the cold air
dropping more and more pieces of natural confetti
into the sea of autumn you're left to swim in.

i am a bomb.
tick tick ticking.
i am neutral as of now
who knows when i'll explode
taking everyone near me out, too.

im so sorry for all the pain
i have brought upon you.
im so sorry for always making you worry.
im so sorry for never being stable.
i know its annoying when
you have to constantly check
and double check
and triple check
that im safe
and doing as well as can be.
i know the dry replies are hard to work around.
when i don't have the mental capacity
to hold a single ******* conversation.
"yeah"
"lol"
"ok"
its hard for me, too.

im so ******* scared of being alone.
i can hardly function with the support i have,
how the **** will i do it on my own?
the answer is simple :
i wont.

i will give up on myself
just as everyone else has.
i will collapse into the dirt
moldy and rotten
a corpse of empty emotion.
and nobody will dig me up.

it is times like these when i miss you the most. late at night, sitting alone in my room, with nothing but a candle and my favorite book.

it is times like these two weeks ago when we would be discussing details of our days, or sharing any new artists or movies we had stumbled upon. we have always enjoyed the same kind of things.

that is quite possibly why is has been so hard for me to start to move on. every single thing i enjoy reminds me of you in some twisted, disconnected way. it could be a pair of jeans you once said fit me well, or the smell of freshly cut grass because your favorite color is green.

i often wonder if things remind you of me.
remember when i told you i despise the sound of a pen clicking?
i hope you see my face every time you click one open.
i hope memories fill your head, leaving you a cold and hollow body. i hope you feel as empty as you have caused me to feel.

you are such a poet, too. your way with words is enough to make me melt into your arms. that low growl of a whisper can put me to sleep, yet it simultaneously sends a wave of electricity racing through my veins, making my heart beat a thousand times a minute, and my lungs desperately try to catch an ounce of air.

it is times like these when i wish you hadnt left me clinging to your shadow. times like these, i wish you were here laying with me, hardly talking, listening to our favorite songs.

i recall the night you showed me that song like its a film i have watched every day since birth. i listened to it once, then twice, then for hours upon hours. i bawled my eyes out because it was such a sweet gesture, and nobody is ever sweet to me.

for a while you made me believe in love. you made me believe i wasnt as broken or damaged as i thought i was. but it was only for a little while. on the contrary, i never stopped giving you all the love i had, all the advice i had, all the stories i had, all the everything i had. maybe that is where i went wrong, putting my all into you when you were incapable of even giving me your full attention.

it is times like these when i realize how much i learned from you. i learned what it means to care about someone. what it means to put yourself through hell for someone. but i didnt learn those things by watching you. i learned those things by watching myself. you did teach me many other good things though. and thats what hurts the most.

all good things must come to and end.

my mind is a maze i can never seem to find the exit of.

constantly taking wrong turns made by my heart ,

going the wrong way ,

getting turned around.

you are stuck in my maze , too.

you are keeping me from finding the exit.

every step i take brings me closer to you ,

and farther from escaping.

in my head there lies
a collection of unfinished poetries.
my writings aren't finished because
experience is endless.
heartbreak and sorrow
or growth and prosperity,
my soul changes every day
and so do my stories.

a part of you still exists somewhere in me
maybe that's the curse of the first love
gone but not forgotten
blocked but still soul tied

i wonder if you still feel it too
or if i just can't let go

they say a broken heart
is a void
that needs to be refilled
in order to be repaired.
but darling ,
my broken heart isn't the void.
the void
is the space you occupied

our yellow mornings , aubades strung in the rising light.
our crystal cerulean afternoons , the sky clearer than our minds.
our byzantine evenings , we can smell the rain from inside.
our pure black nights , drowning in the heaving weight of our day.

now they are all seconds
seconds to minutes
minutes to hours
hours to days
days that drag me through and through
because i dont have
a reason to wake up
and be sanguine
for what the day
has in store for me
like i used to.

eyes meet
heart fleets
hands sweat
words kept
knees weak
breath tweaks
tears swell
this rings a bell
mentally drained
emotional pain
voice quivers
flowers wither
sun goes dark
dogs don't bark
leaves stop falling
you stop calling
im alone
ive never shown
heart breaks
moved states
fresh start
fresh heart
now im gone
youre not moved on
cant be platonic
its quite ironic
more than just friends
trying us again
i fall back in love
feelings fly like a dove
you make me so scared
i'm never prepared
for what you could do
nonetheless i still want you