hopes and dreams are lies in disguise as something beautiful tearing you apart from the inside

how does one admit that they are the problem?
how does one accept that they’re a monster?
how does one allow themselves to push away the people they wanted to stay forever?
how does one overcome the thoughts of wanting to join the angels in heaven more than wanting to stay with their angels on earth?
how does one cope?
how does one keep themselves from turning into everything they despise?
i am one.
can someone answer me?

the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's not my father, he doesn't even know what i look like
to have love reciprocated, that's all i really want
abandonment seems like a sweet gesture at this point
i'm tired of threatening and being threatened
i wish someone would just follow through
but then again,
who am i to speak?
endless days in the emergency room,
countless attempts,
no resolve.
no one cares.
when did that happen?
i try not to dwell on the past.
but is it dwelling if i can't tell the difference between 3 years ago and now?

i'm going to die
that part is inevitable
you aren't going to miss me
i wish that part was avoidable
but chances are
when i gasp for one last breath
you'll be somewhere laughing
while my spirit releases into the air
like one of those balloons that kids only love for 5 minutes

the worst lie i ever told was "i love you"
my best truth was realizing it

hospital gowns
wedding gurneys
ashes to ashes
you are my end-all

our exchanged glances used to be filled with passion
and now they're empty.
where there used to be laughter there is frown lines.
where there used to be skin, there is blood.
where there used to be life, there is death.
you were my favorite melody.
where have you gone?

i am filled with anguish and resentment
i keep loving
and i keep losing
i wish i would win
i wish i didn't feel the need to sin
against my maker
and burn the temple he gave me to the ground
but all i feel is the desire to die
my brain hates me
it makes me think everyone is against me
i don't have anyone anymore
so please don't leave me
i don't get to run my fingers through the little boy's hair anymore
or call my daddy when i'm hurt
and boy, am i hurt
my heart is breaking
my hands are shaking
all i can think about is the wreckage that is my life
i try to distract myself
but all i come back to is
please don't leave me
don't run away like everyone else
i know that it's hard
but i can't make it alone
and all i feel is isolation
so please
take my hand
love me
kiss me
hold me
and for god's sake
please don't leave me

my love for him is wholehearted, however, it seems like i can't love him correctly anymore?
i can't put my arms around his waist, or touch his chest, or hold him certain ways.
i used to be understanding when it came to the lack of p.d.a because i agreed that it was inappropriate.
but, now, i feel like the girl that he just holds on to because he feels like no one else will accept him how he is.
under the binder, behind the socks in his underwear.
i don't care which gender he is because i fell in love with who he is at heart.
but anymore, i'm scared his heart is changing.
his mind definitely is, from putting on mascara 6 months ago to trying to make a shadow.
i am understanding.
i am loving.
but i am not benevolent.
or all-knowing.
but who knew loving someone unconditionally would come with so many conditions?

i can see you in the stains on my glasses.

you are the color in between all of the other colors
you don't care about the spectrum, you are an entity
i don't love you to the moon and back, i love you more than all of the stars in the galaxy
i love the way you capture everything i've ever loved
you are darkness
you are light
you have depth
you are whole
but that doesn't mean you're perfect
you are unlike anything i've ever seen
you are magical
you are the feeling i got when my dad tucked me in at night
you are as sweet as the memory of me dancing and singing in the rain up and down the street i grew up on
you are beautiful
but that word is so cliché
it could never define you
you are something that i've dreamed of
you are like déjà vu
you aren't like the nightmares that follow me into the daylight
you are what holds out a hand and tells them to stop
you are the feeling of having ten blankets on you but still being comfortably cool
you are the nicest pillow i've ever laid my head upon
you are the reason my tears stop pouring
but sometimes you are the reason they pour
because you are so complex
and i long to understand you and fear i never truly will
because you are grey
you are everything and nothing
empty and full
the space in between
you're indescribable
so this poem with incomplete sentences and no capitalization
can't come close
to everything that you mean to me
you believe you are a spec of nothingness
and that people can walk by you and not remember you
but you're unforgettable
you're captivating
you're the emotion in my ellipses
you're... my favorite color

i only had one grandma.
i had people of no relation who snaked their way into my heart and then abandoned me when things got too tough.
i had one who sent me 2 holiday cards and never spoke to me because she could care less for my mother.
and then i had her.
the woman with the beehive hair and the list of men who adored her.
the smoker.
the charmer.
the maker of the best baby blankets and christmas wreaths.
i had someone who woke me up with a hug and kiss and itsy bitsy spider on the tv.
with a cup of coffee in her hand and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the counter, one for each of us.
i had a woman who was a terrible mother but saw nothing but beauty in me and knew that i was her ticket to forgiveness.
i had a woman who empowered me and made me feel beautiful.
from the baby pictures of me in her bathroom to the way her beautiful green eyes that she gave to me looked at me with such love and adoration.
i had a woman who spoiled me.
who wanted me to have everything, not so i could act privileged, but cultured.
i had someone who felt empty inside.
who abandoned her daughter.
who did drugs and smoked until her lungs gave up on her.
i had no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
no more macaroni art.
i had no grandma.
and maybe that’s when i started to lose my innocence.
when i realized that the woman i idolized was ripped away due to selfishness and irresponsibility.
that the nights my mother would cry herself to sleep because my father wouldn’t ever stop yelling grandma wasn’t just one call away.
there was no protection.
and while i’ve forgotten her beautiful voice i can still hear screaming and crying.
i can still hear the moment of silence and the sad man playing the keys to the tune of amazing grace.
i can still hear my father silently priding himself because he knew that he had officially isolated my mother and i from all we had ever known.
and after that, doors were closed and locked.
there were more holes in the walls and bruises and welts.
the vacations were excessive because my mother dreaded being in the home she had once drafted and created for her family.
the white picket fence was torn down.
the dog was buried in the purple flowers.
and i saw the woman i call “mom” crumble to nothingness.
and my father rise from my nonexistent grandmas ashes.

i no longer know how to express my feelings correctly
i don't feel
i embody
i am hurt
i am anger
i am...
what am i?
who am i?
what the **** am i doing?
i have all of these questions and no answers
i'm so confused
i had a friend
she used to lie to me and tell me she loved me
she once told me that i was a daisy in a field of grass
and although that may be true
i feel like the daisy's been stomped on
and the field is infested with snakes
i am scared
i am lonely
i am weak
i talk to a shrink two times a week
she makes me feel okay
but then i realize that i can't sit in that coffee scented office for the rest of forever
that she's not my caretaker
who is my caretaker?
why has everyone given up on me?
why did she look at me and tell me she loved me and then bag my things up and dump me on somebody else?
why did he tell me i was unworthy?
why did he **** me?
why did my mom choose sleeping over looking at the sun?
or even better, watching her daughter look at the sun.
why did that girl in fifth grade tell everyone that there was dog **** on my floor so that no one wanted anything to do with me?
i am so sorry that my mother's inability to walk and pick it up made you so uncomfortable you felt the need to rid me of friends.
as if it wasn't hard enough having a mother who couldn't stand up long enough to make me mac n' cheese, or watch me ride a bike.
why did all of those girls lead me on?
saying they wanted me when they didn't.
telling me i was their best friend and they couldn't live without me when in reality i was just a meal ticket and a free place to live.
tell me why i look at the girl i'm in love with and can't accept that she loves me back?
tell me why i have to beg my father for a relationship and pray that i get a phone call every time a holiday comes around?
tell me why i've carved so many things into my body to make myself feel more whole?
tell me why everyone lies and deceits and manipulates and, and, and....
daisy in a field of grass?
now, i don't know about that.

i hear a lyric of you in every song
i see you in every restaurant at every table
in every passing car
in every movie theater and grocery store
but you're not really there
not anymore
i've always had a hard time letting go
but i've never experienced something like this
i talk about you like a lost love
i feel you like a gunshot
you weren't a muse
but you were the pain behind every word
you occupy my mind more than i'd like to admit
i miss you when i shouldn't
your smell haunts me along with sad violins
the things we never got to do together
the movie list we never finished
all of the empty promises
broken mugs
ripped pictures
i never got to congratulate you on graduating
or take you to disneyland
you don't know what my new dog looks like
or that i got my first tattoo
i don't really know you anymore
and you don't know me
and i think that makes me more sad than anything
that the person i spent every minute with is someone completely new
i also never got to say thank you
for all of your hugs
the music you showed me
the jokes we had
the times you really did save my life
the times you gave me the reality check i needed
and the times you cleaned my self-inflicted wounds and told me you loved me, you'll never know how much that meant to me
you'd be happy to know i'm two months strong
or would you?
do you even think of me?
i never got to apologize
for the unintentional mean things i said
and the intentional mean things i said
the times i ripped your curtains down
or screamed because i was afraid of losing you
the times i went overboard
all of my unwarranted apologies for feeling inadequate
my jealousy
which have all resulted in losing you
which isn't all my fault
but i'm no innocent bystander
so like i said
i miss you
everything about you
and us
but it all happened for a reason
maybe we were a flame waiting to be blown out
but my love is still there
and even though i won't reach out
and i know you never will either
and the realization that this is the end has set in
i still love you
and miss you
and you'll never fully understand your impact
whether it was good or bad
you were someone that molded me
that changed my course of life
and who knows where i'd be if you hadn't broke my heart
so here's to us
and 2 years of friendship that we never got to celebrate
but God knows i thought about you all day
because i'm sad
and lost
and don't know where to go from here
but i guess this is a start
with my hands typing away
as my heart sinks
and i listen to a playlist that reminds me of nothing but you and our car rides
it's a start
so this isn't goodbye
but a mere remembrance of you
and all of the great things
along with the bad
because maybe if i continue to write to and about the ghost of you
the tears on my pillow will dry faster.

you said, "cry me a river".
and so i did.
but then you complained because you didn't have a boat.

i kept knocking on wood, too bad it was laminate.

i never thought i'd make it this far.
let's start with that.
i never thought i'd have someone look me in my eyes and tell me they're in love with me and see such a bright future, with... me.
i never thought i'd live through all of the pain, agony, torture, slices and burns on my arms and legs, yelling, screaming, and dark hallways.
i never thought i'd find a light.
i never thought it would be hiding within myself, just waiting for the spark to ignite all that i am worth.
i am more than their cruel words and intentions.
i am more than circumstance and ****** situations.
i am more than anyone expected me to be.
and everyday i grow and surpass all of that more and more.
i am 16, going on 17.
and for once, there is light, there is a future, there is kindness.
my eyes have never been so open.
i hope no one comes to close them again.

i came into this world 23 chromosomes of her and 23 of him
i came into this world for them to use me against each other
i came into this world for them to treat me like an object
THEIRS
no individuality
just...
theirs

years go by and i've started to discover myself
and as my petals open up and i bloom into the flower i'm supposed to be
i am rejected and have petals torn off one by one
"you're not gay"
"you shouldn't cut your hair"
"you look like a boy"
"you look so grungy and messy"
"your name is Kaylee"

but i was max
i was gay
i cut my hair
i looked like a boy sometimes
i wear band t-shirts and ripped jeans
but it's not enough
my individuality isn't taken into account
i am not a blooming flower
i am a mere seed
i have yet to be what they want me to be
and so therefore i am not anything
"it's all a phase"
"in 10 years you'll look back on this and feel so dumb"

i will never be enough
not for them
not even for myself now
nothing is good enough
i fight the hatred with knowledge and pride
and now i've just learned to stand to the side
as they come with their pesticide to run me back into the ground
tuning me out until i learn how to not make a sound

this town looks more and more sad every day, perhaps it's my own demise setting into the skies.
the temperature of my body taking presence in the air.
the wind in my hair
but no heat in my bones.
i can feel my body shrinking out of my clothes.
she gave me the kiss of life but now it's been taken away.
so now i sit inside and watch as i decay.
these four walls surround me much like the chambers of my heart.
i've started to realize, only i rip myself apart.

music was my serenity, but now all i hear is lyrics of you.

what i love about you most is your voice when you're tired
or maybe it's your smile
or the way you say my name
the way you are willing to stick around because you aren't like the others and you have no selfish agenda
the way you'd kiss my scars, or kiss my lips
the way you care about who i care about
your heart and soul
which you poured into me when i didn't even know how to stand
your charm
your glossy eyes
our friendship
our long talks
our "goodnight"'s
although i'm glad they aren't goodbyes
because i love your good morning texts most of all
your acknowledgement that i'm a person with feelings
feelings for you
for everything you do

oh boy,
i haven't left the house other than to go to therapy
i haven't surrounded myself with people
i haven't found a hobby
i'm alone
i'm scared
i don't know if it's of myself or of what's around the corner
i'm in agony
i'm up till 3 and awake by 7
i ache
my heart longs for all that's been lost
i am my own demise
i feel like if i stay in bed then nothing bad will happen
i can let the days surpass me and not have any emotional connection with anybody
i can cry
i can bleed
i can temporarily drown myself when i shower
i can not eat
i miss everyone
i miss how things were
before the ****
before the heartbreak
before my fathers imprisonment
before me ******* up constantly and endlessly
before the divorce
before the abuse
before my innocence was ripped away
before i hated myself
before everything
but if that's all inevitable...
maybe i'm just wishing for me to have never been born
for i will never be born again or feel as if i deserved to be brought to life
i took the life of so many others away when mine came into the world
and that is something i can't change
this endless spiral of self-pity and hatred makes me seem so conceited
but in actuality i don't like myself
i don't look at myself when i pass by a mirror
i don't try anymore
because i don't know if i want life after misery or the sweet escape from it all with one
quick
slice

my mother taught me how to share
i never had an "i don't wanna" moment
i was respectful and kind and never claimed anything was fully "mine"
however now i don't want to share
i don't want to see her with someone that's not me
i don't want to see instagrams of her calling someone else babe
or snapchats of her new "princess"
call it being greedy or jealous
but i don't want her to be someone else's
just as i don't want to be with anyone other than her
i want her mouth only on mine
call it possessiveness or whatever you want
i want her to be happy i just want it to be with me, i don't want her "i love you's" to fade to "i care", or "i'm still here"
i long for her touch and her presence
i feel as if i didn't appreciate what i had when i had it
and now somebody else might steal my baby
and i don't want to share...

and as i lay here, alone, smelling your shirt, i cry
i realize that just a week ago, a mere seven days you wrote of being in love with me and now you can't even text me back
i realize that you were my first love
i realize that i'll never get back what we had
i realize you gave everyone a second chance but now you can't even look me in my eyes
i realize i'll see you again and i don't know how to prevent my body from crumbling
i realize i can't erase the memories
the things we shared
the teddy bear
your kisses
your dumb laugh
your voice
your hands in my hair
it's all gone
and i realize i've lost yet another
while i can't help but feel as if i'm just another notch on your belt
im sorry
as i write that and repeat it in my head a million times
i realize that i'm used to taking responsibility for everything
so go ahead and point your finger if you want
as long as you realize my love for you was real
my care
my consideration
my tears
my smiles and laughter
but that's gone now, no happily ever after
another chapter closed off
lonelier now than ever
missing your love
as i'll never receive it again

i feel numb.
you told me, "beware for i do not think when i speak"
and i've tried so hard to pry my heart off of my sleeve
so i do not feel like it's breaking and start sprinting towards the door wanting to leave
i don't know who's pushing who farther away
yet we're still carelessly pushing, not knowing if we'll end up pushing too hard causing the other to not want to stay
this scares me
see you think i'm blind and deaf and unresponsive
yet, i've been where you are, with a longing heart realizing how conditional love is
everyone usually walks away so you start walking away first
once you're far enough away, you start building your wall
one brick of mommy and daddy issues here and there
assault
lies
abandonment
hurt
jealousy
and then you're satisfied that no one can get to you
but miserable because no one can get you
and you can't let that show so you try to make yourself believe that all is well and you're happy guarding your heart from everyone
but you're not
and i'm not
because you're guarding your heart from me
and i'm not asking for the key
but i'm asking for a window
where i can see inside
it can stay barred for a bit if that's what you'd like
enough for you to see the sunshine
and watch as i make countless efforts to chip away at those dumb bricks and replace them with love
hope
reassurance
but i don't know if that'll make a difference
so just know, i'm here
and that's not a lot
for i feel i am not enough for myself to carry on
but that's me, that's another poem, for another time
for right now, i'm talking about you, and how i crave for your numbness to go away... yet i sit, numb.

they always said writing would help
and it does
but i'm not talking to you
i'm facing a piece of paper
which starts me off somewhere...
so dear dad,
how have you been?
still sober?
still raising her children?
still blaming all of your life's misfortunes on me?
how am i doing?
i'm doing alright
i get sad at night
when i'm alone
and i think of all the things you've said
and then everything is piled up in my head and i can't hear anything but your voice
your coy, manipulative, voice
if only you would have known how wrong you were
when you said i'd never make it in the real world
or find somebody to love me
or be happy
you see, i listen to the songs we used to listen to in the car while i drive
but at least i'm driving
and when i lay in my girlfriend's arms i get scared of how vulnerable i'm being
but at least i don't have a wall up
and i still hurt myself in more ways than one
but at least it's not as bad as it was
and i still see your face when i look in the mirror
but at least i have individuality and i'm molding myself to be better than you
and i still think about the night that i was assaulted in your home, and i know you heard me scream "NO, NO, NO"
but at least i still have respect for myself
and i still ponder on the thought of ending my life whenever i remember you handing me your pocket knife
but at least i'm still alive
and i still think about when you said i'd never have friends and i'd be all alone once i was dead
but at least i make a social effort
while you don't speak to your children
and granted i don't make an effort to speak to you
but it's because you are wrong
in every thing you say
and in every thing you do
you are wrong
in the way that you laid your hands on me
or in the way that you watched as so many others did
you are wrong
in that i am alone
because i am not
you are wrong
in that i'll never find happiness
because for once in my miserable life i realize when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping
you are wrong
when you say that i'm going to hell for loving
because right now i feel like i'm in heaven
you are wrong
when you say that no one will ever love me like you
because i now know that a father doesn't treat me like you
but at least...
i know you are wrong
and that is all of the gratification that i need to be done with you and this letter
so i sign this saying, you are wrong, but at least... i am strong.
- Maxine

my heart is ice cold and for once it's melting when i look into the soul of another rather than cracking from all of the pressure.
i look into her eyes and i see infinity.
i see her devotion.
i see- well i see as much as she allows.
and that's quite alright.
for i am only here for as long as she allows it.
and i used to write of love not knowing what i was talking about, and now i wrote of love still not knowing what i'm talking about but i'm a little lighter in my loafers.
and she makes me happy.
i thought my heart was shattered into oblivion but now it's got a bandaid on it...
with the letters: H. E. R. S.

I hate that I'm up thinking about you when I know I hardly cross your mind. Thinking about my lost innocence. Thinking about how everyone's told me that I'm older now and need to move on. And I have, but I can't forget the feeling.
As a child you're supposed to feel loved, wanted, adored, yet I always felt like I was a burden. You may be asking yourself, why? Well, maybe it was because I tried to hold my father's closed fists.

You were the blue-haired idiot savant that I wanted to sweep me off my feet.
However you left me trying to figure out who I was, with a shaved head and blue heart.
You've made me feel lost yet helped me find myself.
I don't understand your role in my life, but I'll never erase you from the narrative.

i liked the way you made me feel
until you didn't make me feel that way anymore
so i let you go
but was that the right thing to do?
i have a void, that i've been trying to fill
ever so carelessly
drugs, ***, rock'n'roll
i've lost control
hell, i don't want to be in control
i want others to control me
i want someone to constantly be there and reassure me
but everyone leaves or i push them away
and i'm left with the biggest hole of agony inside
that can never be filled...
love is conditional.
love is stupid and blind and erratic and irrational.
love cares for no one.
so maybe it's not love i'm looking for?
maybe it's to erase the past
but time is a cruel thief.
time is selfish and careless.
and we waste him so he wastes us.
i am wasted.
no, not drunk.
but rather a ship, wasted at sea.
stuck in the sand of the past.
with this hole of agony... filling up with unwanted things.

And I started to wonder if we were really ever anything
Because I thought we were in my head
I thought we were this beautiful thing
But in reality we were nothing
And I had hoped that it was the first one
But it turned out to be the second
I was second to everyone else
I gave and gave and gave until my heart gave out
And all you could do was stand and stutter when I asked for something in return
So you started to distance yourself and I started to stay up at night thinking about you
About the obvious connection we had but the fact that you didn't want me because you couldn't handle something real
I felt you cover me up with the covers when I fell asleep
And when you asked if you could give me a happy birthday kiss on my cheek
You gave me your sweatshirt
And you were the most unemotional person yet when I was leaving you cried
Now it's almost one year later and you pop up occasionally
Asking me how I am
Well here's how I am
I'm an emotional wreck
I miss our friendship
I think about you every night
I think about the what ifs
I wonder why you've lied to yourself for so long
And why you strung me along
You were perfectly imperfect
I threw myself at you and I must admit I regret it
Because I wish I could take back all the feelings I invested
In someone so broken
I go for the broken
I'm broken
I feel like nothing is real anymore
I'm jealous of others love one minute then the next I think love isn't real at all
I try to succeed and focus on school
But my depression and suicidal thoughts race and I always go back to thinking about you
You
Why can't you love me?
Why can't you see what I see?
Why are you so mean to you?
Why were you so mean to me?
You pushed me away
And now we're so far apart
Emotionally that is
Physically we are only 4 hours and 18 minutes away
I look it up from time to time
You meant the world to me
You were my best friend
And as I sit here and write this sappy ****
I realize just how much time I've wasted over you
My energy
My youth
3 years
I want to stop
I'd like to think I've matured since our escapade last year
I'd like to say I never think about you
I'd like to say that I don't smell the sweatshirt you gave me
I'd like to say that I've given up on you ever reciprocating the feelings I have for you
I'd like to say those feelings are gone
But I'd be lying to myself
I wish you'd stop lying to yourself
But what's the point
I should move on
I know
But as long as you continue to like my Instagram pictures
And message me occasionally
My 14th year of life will continue to be wasted on you
As was my 12th and 13th
I pray my 15th isn't

Nobody texts, nobody calls.
Nobody cares until they've found out that my blood has been splattered on the wall.

and i'll never live..
*i'll just exist miserably.

I live to be loved...
So maybe that's why I want to die.

I now know why they call it heartbreak.
Not because your heart literally breaks but because your chest becomes so heavy you feel as if your heart has sank into oblivion and shattered.
Every moment from now on when you feel love you'll be so uneasy and your heart will be so hollow you can't feel anything for anyone.
The thought of being hurt again will rise as will your barrier blocking everyone out.
I now- I now know why they say that you need time.
I now know why most people aren't in contact with their ex's.
I now know why people jump off of buildings and invade their blood stream with poison of all kind.
I now know why people throw the word love around, or why they don't say it at all.
I now know that no matter how many "I'm sorry"'s there are they fix nothing.
I now know that this is not a phase.
I now know that my heart is too big for my sleeve and I'm filing an eviction notice.
I know now what I did not know before.. and boy were they right when they said curiosity killed the cat.

The way it looks at him makes me uneasy.
Knowing that all I've ever wanted was to make him feel that way... with that look.
I can't give him what it gives him, the beauty, the perfection. I'm not enough.
I'm said to be a big part of his life and yet I feel so pushed to the background.
Lost in oblivion.. of regret and sadness.. memories on repeat. And so many emotions. Of love, of loss, of no touch.
*Of no him.

I can't promise you much, but my love, and that doesn't even keep me afloat,
and i'd never let you drown.
I'll never let someone push you down.
I'll always stand at my 5'10 and carry you on my sore shoulders and hurt my back to bend.
I will always look you in the eye and allow you to cry..
if you ever need a light i will guide you through the darkness.
I'll rub little circles on your back and lie and tell you it's going to be okay.
I will never push you away but I won't be surprised if you don't stay.
I never want to hold you back.
But if my nurturing being torn away makes you gray.
I'll stay and be one of your sun rays.
I will love you unconditionally.
With all that I have.
All that I am.
All I ever will be.
Which isn't much.
But it's the person you seem to cherish and mumble off your lips...
*''*****''

everyone is dead when i'm alive..
and alive when i'm dead.

the rain drops still dripping from the early morning rain
the air conditioner right next my head that lies upon a pillow
the sound of the t.v drowned out but you can still dimly hear the voices cackling and cheering for the late nite t.v show host
and there lies my body in between all of this as i try to sleep
as my mind runs through so many things
thinking about everything, the past, the future, the present.
all of the noises come back as i just try to rest but i cant
life has got me by the claws and wont let go
but that's okay
at least something hasn't let go of me yet

''just one more turn mommy!''
but we all only get one turn on this merry go round...
this torturous device spinning for what may seem like a small time but is really eternity.
the lights and music make it seem beautiful and distract you from the chipped paint and broken seat belt leaving you unconnected from the horse.
the kids cheering loving the show but you see the adults all craving for it to be over already.
our lives are all like merry go rounds.
it may be fun for now.
but eventually you'll get dizzy.
and everything will fade.
and you'll just be another horse on the merry go round with a broken seat belt,
waiting for an eager child to ride you.
and they'll be glimmering waiting for the adventure.
and you'll sit there being full of the knowledge of the ride and how it turns out.
but now you're just another horse.
and soon... everyone will just be a horse.

Memories fade as the seasons change,
and as the year is almost over,
I still remember everything about you.

i fill these voids inside of me with the things i don't need, the things that i perceive as happiness.
all people have their voids and all people have their fillers.
some have clothes and shoes and jewelry.
some have money and fame and colleagues.
some have ***, drugs and rock and roll.
but when it comes down to it their is still that void, it's just filled to the brim with stocking stuffers.
so once you unclog the drain and all of the things come pouring out, your just a 10 pound brain piloting a slab of meat with a hole inside of you.
the hole that has been scratched out by people and misfortune and lies and deceit.
but you still have your brain... and your slab of meat, which is more than some could say they have.
so you have to move on to the next location with your void... to try and fill it.
but the thing is your still walking around with the problem.
you think that if you move and make new acquaintances the void will be filled and the past will be corked and thrown into the ocean like a bottle floating waiting to be found.
but you can't throw your bottle into the ocean because it's the only bottle you have.
it's the only life you have.
you have to find a way to not avoid the problem or try to get rid of it.
but to put the past in the past and live in your present and continue on with your future.
that's why they call it a present.. because it's a gift to even have one.

sometimes things don't work out like we want them to but that's what leads us to our true happiness.
we are blinded by our perception of how to get there.
but in reality our mess ups are what take us there, and yes it takes time,
but without the time you won't find the real happiness, it'll just be another substitute and another thing we think is enough for us... but we all deserve so much better than what we think.

don't wait.. because it always ends up being too late.

Life is a beautiful lie and Death is the ugly truth.

and although i'll most likely make the mistake again...
you were the lesson i needed to learn.

all the good ones die.

or become no longer good.

where is the line between creativity and insanity?

all we do is wait.
wait for the world to change.
wait for the world to end.
well i never was very patient.