We find love in so many things
Books
Movies
TV
People
Flowers even

But we forget to find love in ourselves

pink
skies
mean
the
world

When I was younger,
I enjoyed drinking black coffee.

I liked the taste and the smell.
The bitterness but the sweetness of the coffee bean.

I realized later on how much coffee related to life.
There are bitter moments that stay on the pallate and create a lasting and pungent after taste.

But there are really sweet times that last even longer.

Dear whoever you are,
I loved you for years and now I'm scared to look at you.
I'm scared that you might hurt me again.
I'm scared that you might take another swig of *** and try to force me out of my own clothes again.

That night I was cold and I needed your warmth.
I knew, in the back of my mind, that I would never get it.

Dear you,
You forced yourself on me because you needed ****** satisfaction.
I wasn't there to just mess around.
I was there to love you.
And care for you.

You were too drunk to stand up but you weren't to drunk to tell me "no one will help you. Everyone is on my side."
Luckily, I knew the signs of an abuser before you.
Luckily, I got out before you killed me.

Dear you,
I hope you're doing well.
I hope you've found someone that satisfies you.
I hope you've found someone that you don't have to ****.

Dear you,

Blowing in the wind
Making us sniffle

The beginning of life
Growth from the bottom

When they told me
I blocked it out
I blocked everything out and tried to forget that you died

You left so abruptly.
I told myself that I was ready
And in my mind I picture you getting better
But suddenly
On a Thursday
You passed

Now my mother won't stop crying
And I'm afraid to grieve because I can't accept it
You're gone
And I don't know what to do.

Hello again
You scream and run away
I chase you
I run and run and run
Until i have nothing left.

I see you again
Optimistic this time

Hello again
You run.

Your bright blue eyes
took me around the world

i was there for you when he cheated
i was there when your mother kicked you out
i was there when he cheated again, again, again
i was there when your brother got arrested
i was there when he went to rehab
i was there when he killed himself
i was there when you needed me
i was there when you needed me
i was there

but where were you when i needed help?

I looked out for you
waited for you
fell for you

I'm still falling
falling
falling

Now i'm falling for a new someone
someone that isn't you
someone better than you

Missed calls don't go unoticed
they're just forgotten

Blurry,
Numb,
Painful.

Those are the words that I use to describe the night I was in a car accident.
A young mother on her way home from the bar crossed the center median and hit my best friend.
She lived but suffered mentally afterwards.
The accident ruined the friendship and I was called an ADDICT.

I was forgotten.
My bills were paid and I failed in school but I was forgotten.
No one returned my calls.
No one asked how I was.
I was told that I needed to get out to get better but no one understood the physical pain I was in.

A bruised and fragile body. Still able to move but in very small increments.
Recurring nightmares and flashbacks nearly every hour but still smiling.

I was told to **** it up and get outside to hang out. I wanted to **** myself. If I was so much of an addict or a baby, I should have just swallowed the pills right there.

Fresh from my 18th birthday. I wanted the accident to happen all over again.

In fifth grade,
they called me gay.

In sixth,
they called me ***.

In eigth,
I tried to end my life for the first time.
The second time shortly after.

In ninth,
I came to grips with my sexuality.
I tried to end my life for the third and fourth time.
My parents told me that I wasn't going to heaven.

In tenth,
I lost all of my friends and found my first love.
I fell in love with a broken CD.
The sharp edges would tear my skin like paper.
That year I tried for the fifth and sixth time.

Present day,
I'm in love with someone but they don't know yet.
My last attempt, number 7, was more than a year ago.