Vividly pale sunsets,
Houses lined up in a row,
The wind howls on the beach,
The pacific northwest,
The tide rising and lowering,
The smell of a campfire that once burned so bright,
Smoke still in the air,
Pastel sunrises that I'll never forget.
I miss this.
There is a bay on the Oregon coast,
Shaped like a scallop shell
And ringed by rounded stones.
And from the darkening sky
Droop billows of blue and gray
Hanging and lit like Chinese lanterns.
Humans in the damp Northwest
Appear to drip from the clouds
In rain-washed colors
Of blue and violet,
Whose tattered clothes
Are softened and soaked
From ragged wool into rich satin.
Still others bask on shores
Of pebbles rolled by the sea,
Bone white and cloud-gray.
Down and up, down again
The light rays vault,
Painting bipeds into the land.
There are no reflections
But rather water in the air,
Looking like rain
Even on cloudless days.
Their world is saturated
Like the scarlet gowns
Of Waterhouse’s Ariadne
And the ponds of Monet,
Green as the British Isles,
Blue as the Aegean
And white as the Pantheon ruins .
Much like an ancient tomb,
The majesty of mortal lives
Commemorated in stone
Is here splashed in the air
And in every forest or cliff.
Hushing people into silence,
So they conduct the most
Serious customs in whispers,
Knowing how voices echo along
And mountain shadows.
The creak of a door,
A sliver of light
Slips and illuminates the evergreen tops.
A sigh of relief echoes between our two walls.
I hear the flick of a lighter.
An orange glow appears.
Floating about an arms length away from a dark shadow mostly hidden
behind the evergreens i always complain of.
We end up mimicking each others actions
Swimmers in a line,
Diving in at the same time.
Synchronizing the timing of raising
our separate cigarettes to
our separate lips,
It’s a small solace,
Two strangers, simultaneously trying to **** themselves just a bit quicker
The only form of intimacy we know at this point in life.
Ash, take a drag, ash, take a drag
Rinse and repeat
The wash cycle is almost over
We puff away together
Until one of us tires or hits the ****.
I once again, hear;
The creak of a door,
A sliver of light illuminates the tight knit needles.
I hear a gentle slam,
In his own way, a goodnight
we have an intimacy no one can mimic
I thought I was dying
Crumbling of leaves
Beneath swollen knees
Can you call it mind altering
Succumbed by disease
Aspects, hints of true
Until they were cold and blue
Full, chronological breaths
Then the infite thawing
I’d echo words spoken
Between eroding teal beams
Slight hints at recognition
I thought I was dying
Ash soaked air
Would have taken anyone
Yet you stood there
Before I knew
It was you
There was this introduction
the autumnal decadence
Of death cloaked cohabitating fears
Hiding in stomach lining
The context of I should breathe sharper
I'll be relying on this later
pinch myself and set a reminder
Before I knew
it was you
The world echoed your name
Sent me months of
Inhale, it'll all be over soon.
I don't think about the leaves
or I guess I do
but I try to not think about them too often
I don't really think about you either
or when I do,
I don't see your face
I don't feel your body
I don't even smell you
I think about the way the world looked,
1,200 miles above ground
the cloudless sky
You looked at me like
it was hilarious
I was a cat in water
wanting you to hold me
but you peeled my arms off of you
how you walked away when
I tried to order the coffee
as the plane was boarding
I don't see your eyes
Your hands don't wrap around my waist
in my memories
I don't think they really ever did,
I think about how she must feel lying next to you
how similar the side of bed
is to the cold vacant moments when you
turn the light off,
sigh and push the pillows under your head
the distance it's gaping
I still feel it,
a mile and a half away
in the dark your back
She'll spend years chasing
I think about how he made me laugh
he found this eruption of giggles
and ripped it out of me
until I couldn't stop
the bed shook in this
and I could just lie there
knowing at least he wanted me
at least he knew how to stop time
at least he understood each line
unlike you did
I think about the compromises I made
to be seen after you
the times I turned away from
at least I can remember the color of his eyes when he looked at me
at least I can place exactly where his hands laid on my side
at least he knows my favorite line of every song
he knew how to pull
the world into the slow melancholic
better than you ever could have,
how my heels turned toward him when the buzzing of street lights
didn't distract me
his hands could at least slide up
and I didn't have to beg
even when I knew,
it was wrong
he could quote back the words to me
the moments we shared
made me feel like this where
I could belong.
This isn't what i wanted it to be but I'm going through all of it.
allowed the scent to stain the tips
of each appendage
as I rubbed the delicate petals between
watching how hues of purple
slid gracefully along side the curves, the honey
gold sunlight dripped
ignited the slight variations of dark nightshades from light creams
the hint of white, the shudder of black in each tint
I turned my hands upright
watching fragments cascade to the sidewalk below me
Introduced him into my life
slipped the necklace off my neck and gave him
the exact directions to the destinations
that made me safe
the potions that awakened each aspect in my life
granted him the open doors to each variable that
emulated my entity
turned the side of me, the numb variations that dictated logic,
and forgot to listen to the words he spoke
as the evening rose above the
Grandeur in their audacity to
Compare me to each insignificant blade of grass
As I stand above the overpass
Blurry reds and whites
Melting apathetically in with the dusting of pink
Almost lept from my gravitational pull
Instead remembered how good it felt
When your indecency once slid up
The opening in my dress
I stayed planted
Promising my dillusion the same temptations
Would ultimately make another appearance
In the infinite rotation of a tangled set of lucid moments
And maybe,just maybe
They'd stay a little longer.
I retract like a mollusk receding into it’s shell.
I think of the way I could simply just tilt my head back out of the passenger seat window
moving through songs that meant the same to us.
I tickle the sand between my toes
slowly into the water while it wades around my knees,
how I could wrap my hands around his neck
just stand there while the world moved around us.
I find the trajectory of the mania, the nights where I just tried to lay as still as possible, not breathing too heavy or looking him in the eyes. How triggering it could have become if I would have
crossed my arms, sat up, or spoke.
I think of how the smoke enveloped most of our time together
blurring our vision
clouding our minds
I didn’t need to see much further than his skin
I didn’t need to look over his shoulder
Just closed my eyes and soaked it all in.