The feeling I get looking at the moon on a quite night, reminds me of you.
Something about star gazing and hoping to see a shooting star to change it all.

Feel the gentle wind kiss my face like you would in the morning.

The sparkling night sky light up with all the vibrant stars remind me of the looks you would give with those innocent eyes.

Sitting with you in our spot on top of the world as if death was in our control, our finger tips.

Many times I think of going back there in hopes to see you, I stay away of course.

Looking to the sky for answers,
Vast and ever growing, constantly changing around us with out us ever noticing, too busy looking down at our phones or around us trying to bump into the next ****, rush, or release to escape our ignorance.
Here it is always watching, innocent and waiting to have the attention it deserves such as I seek attention from you.

If you are reading this, they found me dead... im sorry. I did not take my own life, I had a terrible accident, in which iv lost my best friends, mom and dad, and the boy in which ill never meet... his name is steven jr. I died at a short lived life at 19. My mother and father will eventually forgive me for leaving. I didnt mean to leave my best friend, Robert,  alone when he needs me the most. I hope he will understand. As I watch over him and his loving son, who cares very much about him. iv been dead for 22 years now. And not a day goes by I wish I could be there for my friends and family when they begged me to come back and help them. To see my son who will never know me like I know him....

To steve.
Steve iv herd so much about you all my life, my middle name is named after you. My father, rob, misses you greatly. Hes sick... and alone. Not well in his head and im afraid that my help isnt enough anymore. He asked for you today. Your help, although I have never met you I feel I know you, from how highly dad talked about you and smiles at your memory. I hope writing this down somehow helps me help him. If hes lost, im lost. Hes suffering, he tells me he died 22 years ago inside when his hopes and dreams died. He now is empty and walks aimlessly day to day till the rest of him dies... I know he stays here because Iv Asked him to, he cant leave. Not yet, he needs to be there for my children, my wedding, he needs to be part of it, or ill have died inside too. And ill walk in fathers foot steps traveling day to day as a zombie. Help me,

Steve cowell.

Steve cowell died at age 19 in a car crash. Died on site. Moments after leaving my father Robert who was his best friend. Dad takes it on himself thinking if he had stayed longer steve would still be here.
We will never know.
It's been 22 years since he was forgotten by the world, but to the people he touched. He is still misses. "A brother he was" - robert said. Dad was an only child, and god blessed him with a friend closer then blood. He left his left as quickly as he came in, "life is a river, you will meet up qith him again when your travels get you to end" - kyle. Roberts son.

Like piranha, darkness eats away at the sky leaving pink and blood orange clouds in its wake.
Guilt eats away at me.
The sickness, the urge... every breath of lust
In my direction, I must have a taste.
Happiness is an illusion of the sick drivin, by what ales them.
Itching at their skin just for another taste. After the hit, the bump, the rush, clarity fills our mind. We start to make sense of why it's wrong why it ruins our lives... till the next time...

In missing the memories, iv dwelled on what could have been. Stolen paradise, is what I like to call it. People will never know who or what I talk about in my memories, there mine. You will know tho, iv tried my best to stay away, because all you do is bring pain. Like a rose left on a car wind shield, if not done right will bring pain. But now I will push those deep, make my way into paradise with my love. She brings me hope, and pleasure. Not sure why she cares for a head case like me, but I love her the same. She may worry or fear for me, but ill always be hers. Although she and the others may have stole it, ill get to my paradise one day.

Life is too short, the world is actually small, and we age too fast...
Music is the transition through it all, helps cope with each event coming and passing.
Risk is the rush to make life more beautiful.
Time is a ever going fictional object, that keeps track of the events and risks that leave scar tissue.

"Today's the day I walk away" I tell myself as I drive to work.
"Let it be over, and be happy" I repeat to myself.

I say these things to convince myself not to think of her, so i dont spend every waking second checking my phone for a lousy text from her, like It would be my honor to receive a reply.

"**** um, I dont care, I am happy" as I get half way though my depressing work day.

No text, still. It's about 30 minutes to punch out and im finally over her, iv accepted her not responding and by this time im so ****** that if she did respond, I wont even bother with it.

            PUNCH

I walk out the door to my car

vib vib  vib vib
             Check
"hey wanna come over?"

And like the ******* I am, I don't even think twice about it, I rush home to change, I rush over to see her.

Shes like my drug dealer, she knows how to cheer me up with any one of her moods as if they were a drug.

Problem is, after I leave I want more and more, and become more disappointed than I was before.

"Please just let it be over..." as I drive home to collect my thoughts and depression sinks in more. God im too stubborn to walk away.

How the full moon so bright
Look how the stars align tonight
Reminisce my Youthful Twilight
How cool are the summer nights
with her felt so right
Cuddled up together so tight
I blink
Now it's behind me
Fast forward twenty
Nothing it used to be
Alone with money
Can't make me happy
If only I could see
And stop this from happening.

You don't think I have all this anger and aggression
As a kid I've only been taught suppression
You wonder why I speak with a stutter, guessin
They tell me to sit down shut up and learn my lesson.
I have anger in my sneakers metal music fills my speakers I have more rhyme and Rhythm than the rest of these tweakers, they wouldn't know the classroom from football bleachers.
So I sit with my time I write down and rhyme while the rest of my classmates are getting caught with crime I go home and have to deal with my parents doing chores lifting up grime but I'm awake the next day back at that grind,
I suffer all day and all night it ain't right I say these Rhymes out of spite at home no dinner no good night one of these days imma take off in flight.

Our time is running out,
My patience is paper thin.
You seem like life is seen out of a snow globe,
I see life is a news paper in the obituary section.
It's not hope, its not life or love.
It's much more then that.
Its a race to the finish line, whether we like it or not, you have no control over it.
You can love me or hate me, but ill be lifes mvp when it's said and done

They will not know when im gone, if they call or text and I dont reply they would simply think im busy, not dead. "No, he would never do that, he is such a happy man." No im not! I am not happy, I am capable to inflict such horror upon myself. They would drop to there knees and gasp as they saw my body. Maybe I didnt do it myself, maybe others did it to me. But the impact is all the same. Why does it take a death or a loss to awaken ones eyes. To truly see the beauty of ones soul, as it passes gentle and free through the room and out to the unknown. As judgmental eyes gaze upon the dead, speaking only of a waste of life this is, gone too soon, (tear after tear shed) BLAH BLAH BLAH! Enough! If you had any common sense you would know to cherish the life that stands before you. yes, iv made mistakes along the way but never anything like that! To cheat on you? With filth like that? Its a crime just to mutter the words! How dare you.
But. Nevertheless, what is done is done, if I go mad in the few short weeks, they would never know. Would you be at the crime scene? Or the funeral?

As time is forever fleeting we grasp and cling onto the old faded memories, forgetting to look forward to the new ones.
We move on looking for new love to blossom and grow, less we forget it was planted in pain and sorrow we had to endure, to fertilize the ground work.
Often my tales unfold with mistakes I've never learned from.
Begging at new opportunities that linger at every new glance or brushed finger tip.
Pain fills my body with guilt as lust consumes my thoughts as I go back out into the wild, Looking for everything I ever wanted while it waits at home asking me where I've been...

Depression speaks in tongues only the weak and lonely can understand.
It's schizophrenic whispers in your ear when you know no one is there.
It's comforting when it's your only friend to talk to.
It's mumbling shadows on your wall
Telling you it's ok to end it all.
In the end I was there when no one could
No one understands why your so misunderstood...

Life has boiled down to dumpster **** and self loathing.
The last stage of depression is shame.
I constantly look to my phone for ******* to want me, I find myself more alone.

The hard part isnt writhing, it's perfectly describing the pain in words.

That sight of my woman being with another man, drives me to **** myself. So I dare not look, ill go crazy before I squander this life.

Incomplete thoughts and bad decisions washed down with lots of drugs and alcohol.

In conclusion, im a child in a mans body, going through the motions. living just to keep goin, goin just to keep saine.

A hurricane of emotions rip through me

My hands tremble and shake.

The sky flooding with bright colors.

A piercing ring echos in my ears.

Death settling in, lending its hand.

Cold, but warm.

Welcoming yet foreign.

Love is evol.

We all have it, that fire inside that pushs us. Could be here for another or that sensation you get working out, but nevertheless its that fire.
My passion had this fire, as you see in my writings.
My hate for the enemy's that want to see me fail at what I love.
My fire that drives me away from my Exs, ******* *****.
My fire that is ready to explode with crafty vengeance to hurt amd destroy the ones that lie and back stab me.

We all feel it, yet hardly any of us use it to get what we want. I still dont, As I feel like I still have some heart left.
Id tell my past self to use my hate, fire, passion, all of the above and take what I feel belongs to me. Id **** her, id take the money, id trash all those ******* lives. I wont fail at it, un like there unsuccessful trys. Please mother *******, you have no idea what this mind is capable of.

Problem is I didn't fall in love with her looks, because her looks can fade like Memories.

I fell in love with something you can't see or touch. I fell in love with their soul, those feelings don't fade so quickly.

But I can't get over the thought of her, what a blessing she was when I could see her, when I could feel her. Not only with my eyes open, but when they're closed that's why she always be with me.

Empty.
That's what I feel these days.
Not even sad, just empty.
I'm missing you.
Everyday seems like a life time.
I now see what the appeal of cigarettes and alcohol give.
Something to fill this swirling black hole of what used to be love for a girl.
Now it's empty.
I don't even find the company of ladies amusing anymore.
I only want you.

Dear depression,
The grip you have on me is tiresome,
I'm ready to break free from these shackles.
You have prayed heavy on my weaknesses and lonely heart.
I'm ready to be happy again.
Too long I have walked aimlessly alone,
too long have I waited for nothing.
My sins are payed, my time is up.
I'm due for a new start.

*Dear depression. Dear Dana. I'm done.

He arrives in a tattered torn wardrobe
Scraped, scared, and beaten.

Still standing, looking death in the eye.

He does it for love.

Swaying side to side like a pendulum, with his head held high.

Death with his blank stare stands motionless at the man in front of him.

The dark knight rises out of the rings of hell to save his dear beloved.

after the dance with the pale raider

The dark knight's beloved see's a new knight off in the distance, radiant and shiny without a scratch on him.

As the dark knight falls to his knees after countless battles to save his true love, he looks up to find her in the arms of another.

He knows Love lost is better then none, but he is far too tired to care much longer.

Broken physically, and emotionally he lets his beloved go, stands up with his head held high and walks into the distance at a shambling speed right pass the two new found lovers.

One day he will meet a love that will go to hell and back for him much like he did for his last love.

**Until then, the dark knight he will remain

The distance between us is farther than miles
Frustration brings us on the verge of exile
One touch, one look brings us close
Two many days apart and we begin to choke
First comes fighting then comes silence
A little communication would bring guidance
One date, one kiss is all it would take
love from you, would end my heartbreak...

Your my first thing in the mornin
Your the worst thing in the afternoon
Late at night without warnin
Misery sinks in around two

It's not being in bed without you
It's not even talking
It's the sexless nights
And I'm left wanting

It's you and him
Not me and you
It's an outlook that's grim
The sky is no longer blue

I feel like my mind is coked out and im a zombie, wandering aimlessly through this abyss we call life. Brain dead, scarred to do anything about it. There are days I feel like I could lift skyscrapers, and then there are theses days where im alone, inside dead and struggling to do anything with my life. In my head its going 300 miles an hour, but I move so slow and pathetic on the outside. The very thing that keepa me alive is whats killing me. How ironic? I had dreams and goals. High school cheerleaders I still needed to ****. **** random girls at lalapaoza. Do something epic with my friends ill never forget no matter what I put in my body... but responsibility and regret took my selfish goals and dreams out the Window. Dont pitty me, because I dont. I know I ****** myself over plenty of times due to me being a lazy *******. I still have these illusions of possibilities, of a better life. None that has me in the bathroom of my buddies house snorting death off the back of his toilet seat.  Or taking my happy meds right before some ****** looks at my girl and I beat his face in with a socket wrench. I had have to leave and jump from town to town to hide from me mind. I dont have multiple personalities... I have regretsyndrom, its ******* over the girl of your dreams with her cousin and hoping she doesn't find out. Arrogant ******* he is. Cant keep a ******* girl even if it were to save his pathetic life. He really is a ***** on the inside. The little ****** cries at the end of my girl and Charlie st cloud... but hes "hard" nothing but a wanna be... blames it on his regret for a girl... shut up dude he loved her. If he loved her we wouldnt have tryed to be with her cousin because we got bored. Whose we? You didnt say **** because you were too worried she would find out. Well she did, didnt she? Oh like you are always right... just like you thought it was a good idea to **** your step sister...? Huh? *******. Iys 9 oclock larry you need to to take your meds again... what? Answer the telephone. Larry your meds...! Answer the telephone steveie! Leave me alone. There's no Larry or Stevie here... no ringing... and I cant take medicine... go away... hello?
Well im alone again... uh great =/ come back guys...?

Sitting at a bar, beautiful girl in front of me.
Im a no body not even a regular, I chat her up anyway with no confidence....
Boy friend, should have guessed, oh well talk to her anyway, make a name for myself.
Guys walk in at the end of the bar, slowly take her away from me.
I walk away with shame, what was I hoping for?
No good for anyone anyway, too beautiful for me.
With a soft smile and a black hat, as I walk away I look over my shoulder to something that could have been.
Too late, not enough umph..
Tomorrow's another day, another let down.

This flim maker,
this idol, this obsession,
to be like him,
better then him.

He is why I write to you, to practice.
Quentin Tarantino, if I could meet with him and speak, that would be a dream come true. But to direct a flim with him, to share a piece of his magic with me and I learn... that would be the wish of my life. I want to be better then his genius mind in flim... but thats a pipe dream. To me there is no one greater not even myself. Its not about money to me, its about people seeing my vision and sharing it with as many people as possible on a huge scale. Then one day the money will be there, till then he will just be the god in my eyes

The distractions of my life are comforting
Till the music stops
The fountain of youth dries up
And all the good woman are gone.
When the life I've built is all in one room
Surrounding my wooden palace
Sitting in silence with their folding chairs
With nothing to look back on but money
I stare at a room full of strangers.
Hoping this final chapter brings her through the door.
Dasiy meeting Gatsby one.. last.. time...

You pull me in close at night like you never left, its beautiful, and you feel the happiness too.
Come morning your mind fills with regret, your heart became weak in the night, longing for escape from the loneliness.
I call, you show, we talked, I kissed, we held each other, my heart reconnected to its other half, a feeling of warmth and completeness rushes over my body like a river over the rock bottom, I made love to you in my most true form, ego and self righteous set aside for you, to take me how I am.
Your morning text, tells a different story, forbidden love, you call it. A rush of passion due to us never to be together.
you need to find yourself and I am no longer a plan for your future. I know what I feel, and I know you feel it too... Ill hurt myself steping into your fire again and again, to prove that you belong with me. I would think the night was a dream, but you left yourself here, a bobby pin, something so small to prove to me that you and I are real. Soon ill be impervious to your pain, and you will stop hiding and running from your feelings,  this jackal you have become will hide no more.

years ago,
man made words
To describe feelings,
To help while you feel lost,
While searching for the words that fit,
live a life.

Help me, for I am a traveler roaming this road, troubled and worried. For my mind will not rest till I am granted my eternal sleep. Till then I roam this long road of life wondering where it will take me, and what choices I make, that make me end up at the end of my road. I am scared, worried about what my past, that paints for my future. So much so as I forget to live in the present and love with all that I am. To risk my life for a life. To cheat death again and again, and to steal the happiness that sorrow tries to take from me. For I am a lone traveler the burdens are plenty, nothing but a knapsack, a pocket book full of memories, a necklace with a cross, and determination to move forward. May some god or all powerful being guide me on my journey, to finally lay my worried head to rest. Thank you.

In my travels I recall this old and dusty wall.
I gazed upon it in wonder for months, wasted my younger years away...
I stood up at it, asking questions, "who could have made such a masterpiece? What did it take to put each brick into place?"
This wall mocked me.
I dare not climb it, for it was too tall, what if i fall?
I looked for a way in, but no door nor window, to get inside.
to dig under surely ment suicide..
So as I camped out side the wall I began to go crazy, hearing whispers telling me to leave, go home, and turn back, for there was nothing for me here.
I scratched at the wall, carved my name in stone.
A traveler walked by and told me what I had become, a sick man spreading sadness... For my wall that I found was a mirror, and I was tortured by the sight of it, the whispers telling me to leave were my own voices trying to help...

I write to add promise to myself, that one day, after enough practice ill truly become a great writer.. This goal is only obtained by hours and hours of beating on my craft. The same standards I hold for my writing I hold for my life, and mainly my relationships, I will fail, but thats only a step in the right direction for success. I never give up on my dreams and I never give up on a relationship. Even when times are tough, that struggle builds us stronger together, and over time we will succeed! A drive for a couple is required to live a long wonderful life. Fights happen, people do change and life gets harder but if you make a relationship or marriage a team work, balance off of each others strength and weakness, help and not put down... Any thing is possible, but you have to believe in yourself and your love companion to stand there at the ends of days and look at them and say, we did it, it was hard and tough but the harder the work, the sweeter the victory.

With love
Even when your losing
your still winning
Love doesn't quit
Man does
Love is endless
Till man gets greedy
Even in the darkest of times
If love is still a glimmer
You still have a way out
But if you turn your back on the light
You have lost your way forward.

When the light goes out at night, what do you see? Most people see darkness, black shades or shadows of objects in the room.

I see fear. I see what can go bump in the night, the things that leave your hair up on end and your goose bumps on your body.

I see what could grab you and torture you till suns first light. I see the future of one hundred possibilities come to life in a matter of minutes.

Yes you could say I sleep with the light on, it eases my senses. I sleep with a fan on to **** any sound rumbling outside my door. I do grip my pillow tight and have slept with on eye open as a child.

These nightmares dont just happen at night, I see them without closing my eyes. I see them as I drive down the road in daylight. I see them out with friends and movie theaters.

I must ignore the sight to get through my day, such like the hulk is always mad but learns when to turn, I am always scared and seeing the darkness but know when to block it and see reality.

Soon my mind will eat me alive, golfed in a world of fear and torture. As my fingers twitch and legs shake, the madness will paint brush strokes on paper and please other people in their own fantasy land, while i write it will be a cry for help....

This wrinkle in time has given me lapse of judgment in this esoteric, illusion of love.
This glimpse of the unknown is tragic
Like a void shooting up ******
Filling it with anything It can to feel whole again.

The time left is only a fraction of the time spent chasing fancy cars and stardom.
With gravity beating down on my back
Crawling to break the shackles of my past...

I miss the taps on my window pane
The feeling of being wanted kept me sane
But it's just the rain
Reminding me, the sound of your name

I miss the phone calls
The passing notes in the halls
How can the world be so small
When your not in it at all

From the arm wrestles to the cuddling
The first moment you caught me blushing
Once we started struggling
Heart break was when you started noticing

It's a swift and rapid river.
The current is too strong to fight.
So you give up and let it pull you in.

At first it's terrifying,
Guiding you on a uncharted path.
But then this rush over comes you
Bliss, surpasses the fear of unknowing.

Through the twist and bows of the current
You embrace diversity till it happens.
The waterfall.

Do you fight this unnerving battle?
Escape before the plummet capsizes you?
Or close your eyes and ride out this heartbreak?