your mouth is a door,
and someday you are going to be told that it's just better left closed.

your eyes are the windows to your soul,
and someday people are going to tell you to draw the curtains.

your heart has been unpacked from the basement,
and someday someone is going to tell you to put it away.

and your optimism is a candle in your windows, and someday everyone's going to try and blow it out.

i'm telling you this,
because when that someday comes i want you to know what to say.

you say,

"my mouth is a door, and i hold the key."
"my eyes are the windows to my soul and i'll wash them regularly."
"my heart will not be put away, it goes with everything."
"my optimism is a candle, and it keeps me warm."

when that someday comes,
i want you to know what to say...

you say,
"this is my house, and it's not for sale."

fernweh is a german word that means to be a homesick for a place you've never been, so i wonder what you call missing someone who was never yours.

an aha moment, by definition, is a sudden insight or discovery.
you used to have those a lot.
when you found your other sock,
when you realized what ingredient was missing in your cookies,
when you remembered where you put your keys,
when you met me.... "aha."

you made me feel like you were Columbus and you were finally discovering what you had been looking for
and me, I was just waiting to be found.
i remember you telling me that you didn't believe in love at first sight, but you believed in whatever surged through you when you saw me that night.
you said i was what you missed without knowing... "aha."

when you would try to find out new things about me,
things i couldn't see
it made me feel so special, because no one ever thought there was something there to study
not my even my family or me
with every little discovery, those three letters would slip through your stupid grin, "aha."

i remember thinking, "this is what i needed. this is why nothing else has ever worked out, it's because i need to love an explorer."
but the problem with loving an explorer is once there's nothing new left to discover, they move on.

the aha moments grew less and less frequent as time went on.
you had memorized me like one of your favorite indie records, picked apart my lyrics and listened to every crescendo and eighth note.
you knew every staccato, every rest, every sharp and flat. every little quirk that made me different, you had truly pondered.
but no matter how much you like a song at first, you can only hear it so many times before getting sick of it.

the problem with loving an explorer is once there's nothing new left to discover, they move on.

no wanderlust struck human being stays in one place long, they fall in love with one land and once there's no mystery in it anymore, they fall in love with another land.
you met your next land on an exciting voyage across the sea, miles away from where i was, when you told me you just had to take care of a few things.
you hadn't been able to say your favorite word in a long time.
so when you met her, i bet you whispered under your breath, with that stupid grin I thought was reserved for me... "aha."

an aha moment, by definition, means a sudden insight or discovery.
you used to have those a lot.
you had one the day you left.
something in your brain clicked, and  the realization hit you like a brick.
"i don't love her anymore... aha."

and that was the moment i knew,
if this whole earth was dancing,
i would still be watching you.

now that i've forgiven you
it's time for me to apologize
for putting you on that pedestal
that was so very high
it hurt when you fell off.

if you say, "i'm right here."
when i tell you i miss you
one more time
i'm going to place my hand on your chest
just to see if your heart is still beating.

i bet twenty dollars that it's not.
i bet thirty that it is, just not for me.

if you say, "i know."
when i tell you i love you
one more time
i'm going to dust your heart for finger prints
to see if it's still mine.

i'll get a CAT-scan of your mind...
just to see if i'm still on it.

i'm tired of playing "go fish"
so i can guess what you're feeling
"got any love?"
because lately you won't show me your cards
but i'm pretty sure you still have my heart.

i look at your internet search history...
just to see if you're still looking for ways to make me smile.

there used to be something here,
alive and blooming and present;
it was beautiful.
the same way my mother's favorite vase was,
until it fell off the shelf and broke.

i check your mail box,
just to see if there are any love letters that you forgot to send.

there never are.

i have a fear of being alone
when all i do is push people away
i'm afraid of living in an empty home
but i'd destroy a full one anyway

if someone is ***** and everyone ignores it,
did it really happen?

if she said no and he didn't listen,
did she make a sound?

we live in a world where women teach their daughters
to scream before teaching them to say please.

where the word "no" is treated like a suggestion,
and "stop" is treated like a foreign phrase...

where a woman's innocence is crushed like a flower in hands that were never given permission to hold it.

and yet you wonder why girls go to the bathroom in pairs,
and call each other to make sure they got home safely?

let it be because she reminded you of me.
that her blonde hair was cut in a chopped short mess,
just like mine.
and her laugh was a silent, gasping for air, kind of laugh.

that her eyes were green but you imagined they were blue,
that her lips almost tasted like my coconut chapstick,
that if you squinted your eyes hard enough,
she had my freckles.

let it be because she was wearing my favorite perfume,
because she was wearing my favorite color,
or because she was wearing black nail polish
that she had a bad habit of scratching off.

let it be because it was just a kiss,
because it didn't mean anything.
let it be because you were missing me,
and she was the closest thing.
let it be a stupid, heat of the moment, mistake.

let it be because you were drowning in loneliness,
and she was a boat.
or let it be because you couldn't feel me anymore,
and she was just at arms reach.
let it be something you will never do again...

just don't let it be because you don't love me anymore.

when i was little
i used to say
i wanted to sleep through all my bad days
and i still do
let me remind you
but what does that mean
when it's starting to feel
like everyday is a bad day.

i
am
so
washed
out,
but
i'm
still
not
*clean.

your eyes remind me of the stars,
like the space i told my last love i needed.

the fire you built
to keep us warm
is burning me to death.

it comes in like a hurricane...
and God, i'm tired of the rain.

the summer goes by fast
always faster than the last
now the sunshine is past

and i will watch the golden fade
watch the darkness come my way
let the clouds roll in to start my day

have you ever watched the sky as it cried?
the trees while they died?
have you?

have you ever watched the leaves as they fall?
tried to catch them at all?
have you?

the greens will all turn to brown
and the blue skies will start to drown
the bright lights will say, "see you around."

the nights are suddenly longer
the days are so much harder
and the winds just keep getting stronger

have you ever watched the sky as it cried?
did you try to wipe it's eyes?
did you?

have you ever watched the leaves as they fall?
under your feet crushed them all?
did you?

and we will call it beautiful
as they fall apart
the raindrops and tear stains
will make a fine art

have you ever stopped to wonder
what it's like
to crumble beneath the pressure
to lose the light?

have you ever wondered what it's like to lose your fight?

and after all i still believe
that death is the wrong answer
in this world of multiple choice.

maybe someday i'm going to wake up
and someday maybe i'll feel okay
and maybe it won't be tomorrow
but maybe that hope of someday
will be the hope that keeps me here

you're trying to blame me for what happened between us, saying i broke your heart, but don't you remember? the last time i saw you, you told me you'd give me space, but the only space i wanted was the universe within your mind.

when the days and nights start bleeding together
and your mind stops shutting off at the end of the day,
call me.
i can't guarantee you i will have anything to say
except,
“you're not the only one awake.”

because sometimes my mind forgets to go to sleep too,
and by sometimes, i mean almost always.

when you do finally close your eyes only to wake up
thirty minutes later, paralyzed in fear, body in panic mode,
call me.
i won't promise you i will have any words
except,
“i've had that nightmare.”

because sometimes my anxiety triggers those dreams too,
and by sometimes, i mean almost always.

when you leave your house the next morning
already dreading having to go through it again hours later,
call me.
i might not have anything to tell you
except,
“i understand.”

because sometimes i can't feel anything anymore either.
because sometimes it's like this has taken over my whole life.
because sometimes i'm so sick of living this way.
and by sometimes, i mean almost always.

so call me.

because sometimes you don't have to be on your own.
because sometimes you're not really alone.
because sometimes you don't even you know.
and by sometimes, i mean almost always.

i swear i would love you, if only i knew how to.

i don't want you to hold me
and if they get me, don't bother
bite your tongue, don't make a sound
i'm running from the arms of another

don't say you found someone new
someone who understands you
i always did the best i could

and maybe i'm not better
but at least i have been worse
and if i'm in a nightmare
waking up is sure

ena is a pond that most people mistake for a lake
and they take and take and take
not realizing she's losing more of herself everyday
yet she never complains

he said, "i forgive you."
and stopped me dead in my tracks
that is not a phrase
my ears have been used to
probably because i've never used
the words on myself

he teaches me how to love.
not only him,
but others.
not only others,
but myself.
he teaches me how to love.

some days i feel lonely even when i'm not alone, and everyone's around me but they're never close.

loving him was like loving a hurricane when you're afraid of storms.

give me breath when i can't breathe
give me words when i can't speak
hold my hands while they shake
and hold my heart while it breaks

i was a match.
and i hated myself.
i hated myself because i was never lit with a passionate fire.
then came you.
and good God in heaven.
when you lit me up, my fire was red and scorching hot.

i was a match.
and i loved myself.
i loved myself because because i was finally something.
but i really only loved you.
and good God in heaven.
i was finally beautifully burning with a purpose.

i wanted fire.
i wanted to feel.
and you made me feel the flames, the happiness i never knew.
i wanted fire.
i wanted to love.
and you made me feel intense emotions i had never experienced.

i was a match.
and i burnt out.
i burnt out and i was no longer your shining light anymore.
i was a match.
and you left.
because the fire you created left me singed and ash-black.

i was a match.
and when my flame died.
so did our love.

back then, you were never mine to kiss.
so now, you can't be mine to miss.

some days
i physically cannot eat
and everything tastes like sand
but there are others
where i'm a bottomless pit
and everything tastes better than it should
and no matter what kind of day it is
i'm disappointed in myself.

& i don't know what You're teaching me.
but it's not quite my place to know.
so Lord i'm willing to be lonely.
learn to rely on You and let it go.

it was an epic tale
but it was not a love story
and you weren't okay with that.
we were not a love story
but i thought our tale was still worth telling
apparently you didn't.

and as i let the  smile fall off my face, i don't know if i've stopped feeling like myself or if i've started.

through the beauty of healing, i have been ripped open.
i am familiar with pain and longing.
so much so i thought i had died...
then my body showed it was trying.

it's because you're the moon and i am the sun, and we're always just missing each other.

the highs are just whispers, but the lows are screams
now i live with a migraine and a loss of sleep