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Apr 2019 · 174
breathless
silas Apr 2019
people have always said
the world you see
is the world you know

i see
my hands,
clouds of gray
made of ragged static edges

i see
the horizon,
a mosaic
dripping with vibrant reds and oranges

i see
the world,
crumbling
disintegrating into dust

heavy breaths and quivering hands,
i want to shut out the world.
140419
Apr 2019 · 328
him
silas Apr 2019
him
a heart so full, so vibrant
it takes the breath away before it ever reaches my lips

arms so wide, so warm
i feel like a caterpillar wrapped in its cocoon

a mind so beautiful, so bright
i wonder if he is made of the stars

every single day
i can’t help but think
i am so lucky
to be able to love you.


it has taken me months
but i have finally realised;
he is the garden
and i am just a bee
can you believe i'm in love again?
140419
Sep 2018 · 568
untitled
silas Sep 2018
just the thought of you feeling alone in this world
keeps me up at night
you say
you fear you will never find someone like you
and although you and i
are not the same
i will be here to listen to you
and grip your hands tightly through this storm
that never seems to end

i want to hear your thoughts
and all of your joys and desires
what you hate and fear in this world
what evokes envy or anger
i want to have a piece of your heart in my hands

and you
are a beautifully perfect individual
einstein would envy your knowledge
and aphrodite would envy your beauty

but i can never find the right words

loving you is exhilarating
and everytime you speak you leave me breathless
and wanting to hear more

there are few people who make the sun shine
so gloriously in the sky
as if it were just for me

i hope you stay in my life forever.
for he who shall not be named
written 30 april, 2018
published 18 sept, 2018
Sep 2018 · 502
180429
silas Sep 2018
you can run
and hide
from every ray of the sun
that greets the trees from the horizon

you can scream
in the night
and disturb the sleep of the birds
who awaken early to sing their songs

you can play the cards
and turn the tables of ‘victim’
any way you like
to match your game

and you can blame me
for every tear you’ve cried
or every time your fist has clenched
out of spite

but the truth is
you
are the reason
you’re unhappy.
for christoffer, who is a whiny *** *****
written 29 april, 2018
published 18 sept, 2018
Apr 2018 · 813
their definition
silas Apr 2018
i'm sorry
that i don't fit
your definition of male.

i'm sorry
i don't have testosterone
running rampant in my veins
i'm sorry
i don't have a bulge
like the mound on a hill
i'm sorry
i don't have a flat chest
acceptable enough to expose in the summer

i'm sorry
you can't begin to understand my heart
before judging my body.
i'm sorry
you were raised to define a man
by what's in his pants.
i'm sorry
you would rather spend your life
invalidating me
and so many others
than open the doors
that beg for a chance

but i
am just as much of a man
as the next guy.
to empower trans people all over the world.
Sep 2017 · 484
what i house within
silas Sep 2017
fire engulfing the combustibles
the soft flickering of red and orange sparks
gentle, but powerful
the smell of charred oak filling my nose
a wave of light, one after the other
lingering warmth on my skin
as if i could ever replicate
what it felt like to be beside you

fire provides us warmth, light,
perhaps a vague sense of security in the hardest nights
but come too close,
and the fire
will burn
you.
written 16 jan 2017
published 13 sept 2017
Jan 2017 · 683
iv. niek
silas Jan 2017
you have such a gift
to entice people with your words
and bestow upon them an aching sense of hope
was i foolish to have hoped to love you?
this is from..... forever ago.....
Nov 2016 · 977
v. unlovable
silas Nov 2016
these days,
i feel i have become unlovable
they come and go and wouldn't even spit at my feet
they throw me away like a once-bitten apple
once they see a shinier, crisper one
on a branch only a little higher than where i hung

i feel i am a ghost
often it seems like i can never find a place to call "home"
especially not in my own body

i feel i am filled with fiery unrest
i will never watch the sun set peacefully
i will never "leave it be"

i feel i will never be happy
especially not where i am now
written on the 2nd of august, 2016
published on the 21st of november, 2016

digging through my old writing
Aug 2016 · 1.1k
iii. "i love you"
silas Aug 2016
"i love you" should not be a phrase
thrown around by insincere folk
to describe fake feeling,
to justify an ill-thought decision,
or as a bandage for every problem

when did "i love you" lose its purpose,
its innocence?

i wish "i love you" meant a beginning
i wish it could be independent of artificiality
i wish it still represented a sacred bond between open hearts
so unlike it does these days

i can only dream of hearing someone say it
with passion, with sweetness, with authenticity
as if someone like that even exists
published on the 1st of august, 2016

i'm getting really **** tired of hearing meaningless "i love you"s from people who couldn't care less for me
Aug 2016 · 643
ii. summertime weariness
silas Aug 2016
in theory,
summer vacation seems like the perfect getaway
especially while i'm suffering through my classes in school
so seemingly serene, a needed moment of rest
like i could escape every problem in my life
if i could just hold the hands of summer

in reality,
it just reminds me of my loneliness
the heat beating me down into oblivion
leading me to thoughts i wouldn't have time for in school
my future, a muddy *****
my love life, a trainwreck stuck on loop
my friends, a distant memory, a fright of ghosts

the only thing i've learned this summer is
"be careful what you wish for"
written on the 18th of june, 2016
published on the 1st of august, 2016

college starts on the 10th of august and i'm so not ready
May 2016 · 3.4k
i. hugh
silas May 2016
i fell in love with a boy with dark blonde hair and the most beautiful blue green eyes ive ever seen in my life

his smile is so bright that i swear he is a star
he is the sun in my galaxy

his laugh is as warm homemade chicken noodle soup;
so comforting, so nice you could cry

maybe it's a stretch to say that i'm in love
with the way he cheers up the people around him,
taking their hands and leading them into a world
where you can feel safe and finally be yourself
instead of wearing fake masks of happiness in order to protect those around you
from the hurricane you house inside

but even years of depression later,
a simple five minutes with him makes me feel immeasurable happiness

what's his secret?

if only jealousy didn't get the best of me

i wonder why i lie in bed,
daydreaming about a boy i wish i could have
but may never have

i wonder why i can never collect the courage
to just grab his hands
or hold his face and kiss him softly

i wonder why i'm so afraid of ruining our friendship and telling him how i really feel
when i so deeply just want to be his love

i wonder what he would say
if i asked him to stay in my life forever?
17th of may, 2016

he's very pretty and i kind of maybe like him

sorry for not posting in a while :(
silas Feb 2016
i can't even seem to write
without my hands shaking
and feeling like i'm rocking back into oblivion

i can't seem to remember
all the good times i thought we had
but twas not until we went our separate ways
did i realise

you were a flower, shining brightly
soaking up the affection others gave to you
taking it within your cells
manipulating such an innocent love into empowering bloodlust

laced with your unforgiving poison,
you ****** purity and joy out of every person
who showed vulnerability

you were different.
the moment i confronted you,
you hissed at me for my "selfishness and arrogance"
and our love story ends there.

only months later did it hit me
what you'd really intended and done

at one time, you came back, crying to me
and i tried to explain what you'd done,
but you disregarded my attempts and blamed me for your actions.

deceptive little plant,
when will you learn?
this poem is weak in my opinion but i felt like i needed to update

published 17th of february, 2016
Jan 2016 · 1.5k
wishes for 2016
silas Jan 2016
here's to 2016.

here's to less heartbreak, less tears
to happy moments, the laughter
to the comfort we've been longing for.

here's to growth and learning
to rebirth and second chances
to change and peace wherever we can get it.

here's to acceptance
to gentleness and strength in the worst times
to embracing romance and sexuality, if that's your cup of tea

here's to the best time of our lives
and if not, to keep believing;
maybe it'll be the year.
here's to 2016.
happy new year, may you find happiness.
Jan 2016 · 523
christmas, 2015
silas Jan 2016
"maybe it'll feel like christmas this year,"
i say, time and time again

it's been a year and i still feel the emptiness
the chills up my spine when i hear your name
the coldness of my heart that dropped ten degrees more than it is outside

a present, a kiss, a simple greeting
what does it take to make a holiday happy?

i don't want your ******* pity
i want to be remembered
as something more than just nothing to you

what a tragic love story, a depressing tale  
especially on christmas day
what gift could be any worse
than a broken heart?
here's to you, for breaking my heart. merry christmas.
silas Nov 2015
it's been a year since you last wrote;
and the ***** still burns in the back of my throat

i told myself i wouldn't make the same mistake again
but here i am, laying on the cold bathroom floor,
gasping for the breath i lost when you gave up on me.

a second chance never tasted so sweet;
i swear i felt my soul ache inside

i wanted to make things right
but these heavy hands waste more ink on skin than any paper

i told you i loved you.
you threw my words back into my face and shouted "lies"
so loudly it knocked my teeth out

i swore i'd make things right again
but you don't love me anymore
and honestly, no one counts past two these days

i will never understand
why the pain returns in waves
as merciless as the sea
3rd of november, 2015
i swear i was happy, even if it was only for a few seconds
Nov 2015 · 461
drainage
silas Nov 2015
salt and flowers,
to the musky smell of ***** on her lips.
who was she without her drinks?

what light her glowing eyes once held
was miserably replaced with emptiness
and the subtle dread of return to reality.

her sobriety was virtually nonexistent,
that wretched glass bottle the barrier
between her conscience and the problems truly inescapable.

she drank her heart out,
as if alcohol could fill her heart
any better than love or hope,
emotions she grew numb to ages ago.

what a sad life it must be,
drinking, the only thing left to hang onto.

but the worst? –
she never admitted her addiction.
the shaking, the blackouts, the dependence
overwhelmed every beautiful thing she used to be.
yet the words,
“i need help,”
never passed her lips once.

days on end,
the world seemed to gray out,
all things sluggish, gloomy,
but only through her eyes.

i held her shaking hands,
numbness and the cold controlling,
anxiety and depression, circulating.

she craved her drinks,
no, needed them,
and fell in love with the lack of feeling.

she felt no guilt for what she did,
“just an escape,”
and she paid a heavy price
for who she chose to be.

alas –
tomorrow is another day.
2nd of november, 2015
a poem i wrote about alcoholism and drug addiction for school that i wanted to share.
Sep 2015 · 440
untitled
silas Sep 2015
until then, my dear --
love me with all of yourself
published on 28th of september, 2015
daydreams never felt so good
Sep 2015 · 2.0k
the withering soul
silas Sep 2015
"tiaras and teacups"
reminds me of the innocence we all held at one point

"broken hearts and bitterness"
shows you how misery can change a lot about someone
you thought you knew
sigh

published 22nd of september, 2015
Sep 2015 · 286
i. the finale
silas Sep 2015
how silly of me to believe you'd change your atrocious ways
how awful it is to know you only 'loved' me
when you wanted something
how stupid i was to think you'd miss me at all

i continue to float on this nauseating cloud of despair
waiting, waiting, waiting
for who knows what anymore

the clock still continues on, and waits for no one

teach me to fall in love again, with someone new
or tell me you ******* love me again
because i really am nothing without you
even if you did, i already know you don't mean it

published on 22nd of september, 2015
Sep 2015 · 1.2k
ii. tragic
silas Sep 2015
i wasted my first kiss on a girl i did not truly love,
only done in the heat of the moment and the almost desperate feeling that i would never be anything without it

her lips did not taste like what they say in the books and movies
i felt no heat or passion, regardless of how hard i tried
if anything, it felt wrong

afterwards, she told me she loved me
but i could not return her feelings;
i will never say i love someone if i truly do not,
because people do not deserve to be hurt that way,
the way i've been hurt, time and time again

the stories you hear people tell about their first kiss
always has a feel of magic to it, and the joy they spread, a good memory,
one that most would want to relive

but mine will always be about a girl i will never love
and i often find myself wishing it never ******* happened in the first place
14th of september, 2015
even the tiny things from almost half a year ago still haunt me
silas Sep 2015
"give it time, let it rest"
when'll it be enough?
14th of september, 2015
its been almost a year and im still hurting
Sep 2015 · 551
iv. symphonic memories
silas Sep 2015
i hope the next time you eat chocolate covered strawberries
you think of me
the way we'd share the taste of the bittersweet chocolate and the almost saccharine taste of fresh fruit between our lips
on those cold october nights

i hope the next time you listen to the crickets chirp at night
you think of how we used to snuggle up in bed late at night
attentive to nothing but the other's heartbeat and the insects outside play their songs for hours

i hope the next time you see those plaid patterns
you think of how i'd wrap myself all up in your flannels just to keep warm- the soft, woven fabrics brushing against my face

i just hope you don't forget about me the next time you kiss her
1st of september, 2015
a boy told me he liked my face and i spent the rest of the day wondering what his lips taste of

11th of september, 2015
rest in peace, all 9/11 victims and heroes

published on 14th of september, 2015
Aug 2015 · 323
v. late nights, date nights
silas Aug 2015
i gathered the courage to send you a message today
and luckily enough, you replied,
as if nothing had happened to us
prior to the seemingly never-ending silence
we put each other through

i don't want to remember.

you asked me how i was
i said i was doing okay
and i swear i felt your smile through the screen

you told me you've missed me
and i felt the plaguing sadness creep into me again
but quite honestly, maybe for a second or two,
i didnt know if you were lying or not

i knew better than to believe.

somewhere along the lines
we fell apart again
and now
all i hear is static.
30th of august, 2015
i hope you miss me

these are just getting worse and worse
Aug 2015 · 275
vi. who am i anymore?
silas Aug 2015
nothing makes me happy anymore and i think about dying every day
i look in the mirror and see my own misery reflected back at me
stop scaring me into someone i will never be

i miss you
please come home
28th of august, 2015
"i'll wonder how you're doing, but i won't call."
Aug 2015 · 391
vii. the unsettling storm
silas Aug 2015
the thunder in the distance echoes throughout the house
the trees dance in the wind
the raindrops pitter, patter quietly outside
while i lie in bed, curled up in the blankets,
staring out the window, unsure of what i was hoping to see

you always loved the rain
you always told me you'd dreamed of kissing someone in it
how unfortunate it is that i will never be that person
18th of august, 2015
"the world taught me angst when i deserved joy."
Aug 2015 · 530
viii. madness
silas Aug 2015
your last relationship took you three years to get over
and you said, when we broke up,
that you're ready for another three, because of me

i wish i could've believed you,
to think that i actually mattered,
but of course, as it always turns out, i never do, do i?

don't ******* tell me you miss me,
don't tell me you're hurting,
don't tell me you wish things were different.

because i know you don't,
and you will never mean anything you said.

my tears will dry eventually,
my heart will stop aching one day
17th of august, 2015
i saw him with another girl and everything started hurting again
Aug 2015 · 768
ix. dreaming
silas Aug 2015
i'll never know all the secrets you keep,
but i'll keep dreaming,
dreaming until it's 3am again and all i can think about is you.
17th of august, 2015
i havent slept in well over 36 hours and the nightmares dont stop
Aug 2015 · 450
x. august 10th
silas Aug 2015
on the 10th day of august, 2015,
you turned 16 years old.
i can imagine how magical that could have felt.
but the entirety of that day, i ached inside,
living, knowing i couldn't celebrate alongside you,
no matter how badly i wanted to,
because you didn't love me anymore.

you didn't care what could happen to me,
because it was your birthday,
and it was going to be all about you.

that's okay with me,
i'm sure any other person would want the same.

so here's me hoping you have a nice day,
despite all of the hurt i've felt lately.

happy birthday, jared
i love you
12th august, 2015
a bunch of dumb thoughts for someone special, posted late
May 2015 · 551
xi. salt and flowers
silas May 2015
she smelled wonderfully sad,
the salt from her tears and the floral scent of her hair
somehow combined into a heavenly aroma i couldn't get out of my nose,
that reminded me of spring depression,
*as if i were collapsing in a field of wildflowers next to the ocean.
for alex westerfield, who smells exactly like this. you're perfect and i love you
May 2015 · 3.7k
xii. gory reminiscence
silas May 2015
they weren't wrong when they said
nothing lasts forever.
you promised me forever,
and left your empty promise at the bottom of the ocean
with the rest of the decaying memories from my head.

how gullible i was to think things would work out.

happiness doesn't come easy.
the hollow ache in the pit of my stomach will never go away.
these are just things we learn to accept in our lives and move on.

why do i still miss you?
for jason. i ******* hate you, yet i still love you and that's what hurts
Mar 2015 · 784
heartbreak (10w)
silas Mar 2015
who knew
that one simple word
'goodbye'
could burn cities?
cities, at least in my mind

= = =

for no one in particular
Mar 2015 · 422
untitled
silas Mar 2015
i felt it the second you started slipping away
slowly, but surely
from me, as if i didn't notice
the day you stopped saying "i love you" before you went to bed
was the same day i knew our love was coming to a ugly close.

maybe i wasn't affectionate enough
maybe i was over affectionate
maybe you just got tired.
old letters
Mar 2015 · 256
time goes on
silas Mar 2015
time goes on and i feel nothing
the emptiness of my heart
the coldness of my skin
the numbness of my brain
as i reminisce over the things i used to love about you

for a second, time stops.

stop looking at yourself in the mirror
whispering, "it'll be okay. i'll be okay."
when you know **** well
you'll be anything but okay.
not written for anyone in specific

22nd of January, 2015
Mar 2015 · 386
j^3
silas Mar 2015
j^3
i hit the ground again
don't tell someone you love them if you don't mean it
Feb 2015 · 304
a note to you
silas Feb 2015
i stopped looking so closely in the mirror
the day you told me i was perfect,
at least to you.

a feeling of closeness to someone i've never met
a song to share, calmness to collect
finally feeling that i hold a place
of the world we live so mindlessly in

i won't forget you.

i stopped wanting the same things as the other kids
the latest fashion, a new phone,
and started wanting you next to me for as long as it took
to feel satisfied

days on end, it's hard not to think of you
daydream endlessly, fantasize breathlessly
when you give me feelings that i never can stop thinking about

and then the pain washes over
realisation strikes like a lightning bolt
i won't be falling asleep in your arms tonight
or waking up next to you tomorrow morning,
most definitely not anytime in between.

and god, my heart aches when i think about it

it's hard not to fall in love harder,
every single time
when you're the first and last thought everyday
whether i want you to be or not

sometimes, it's quiet

i only wish you were here to feel it with me.
i fell in love again and maybe it won't hurt as badly this time
Jan 2015 · 949
consistency
silas Jan 2015
gaping wounds,
wide eyes,
steady streams of life trickling,
draining my body
of the happiness it once held.

pain doesn't always have to be externally felt,
does it?
today was ******* terrible but i'm getting over it
silas Jan 2015
i'll dye a thousand roses black
just to try and remember the joy
when you gave a dozen to me for any occasion,
if there needed to be one at all.

as i write these words onto paper,
i think about how much i still love you
and how much i wish you still were here.

i'm sorry we didn't last forever like we wanted to,
but please don't ever forget about me.

s.b.//
not written for anyone in specific;
18th day of december, 2014
Jan 2015 · 372
breathlessly
silas Jan 2015
i wish you still saw in me what i see in you.

s.b.//
more sick than ever
Jan 2015 · 362
untitled
silas Jan 2015
i couldn't bring myself to look you in the eye
that last night we spent together.

i couldn't bring myself to touch your flesh
knowing that tomorrow, you'd disappear.

you kissed me between the eyes,
as if you were drunk again
groping my body
as if i were your property.

never again, will i be

i want to say i hate you for hurting me
but we both know that's not true

when will you finally remember?
not directly written towards anyone;
18th day of october, 2014
Jan 2015 · 493
bad thoughts
silas Jan 2015
dear jared,
i wanted to write you back,
telling you that after two months, i got a little better
and i continue to

of course, that would be a lie.

it seems like ever since we fell apart,
the galaxy is doing everything it can to work against me.

parents pressuring me into a life i don't want to live
the accusations, the arguments, the tears
are following me everywhere

friends dropping faster than flies
the loneliness, the dishonesty, the uncertainty
is drawing out more pain than it ever could blood

i've dug up the old habits i'd thought i'd given up
my best friend? either a potted plant or a blade
bombarded with "it gets better"s day by day
when it doesn't.

please write me back soon,
i don't want to fall apart again.

s.b.//
falling back into the abyss i just climbed out of
Jan 2015 · 697
...jake
silas Jan 2015
dear jared,
today, i realised that i loved a boy
who wasn't you.
my time with you taught me to be patient,
despite many people who teach such themselves
are not.

his name is jake;
a humble, intellectual individual
without anything rude to ever say.
he's got neat but long, golden hair
and he's almost 6'2.
his voice is low-scale, but gentle.

i've never thought so much about kissing someone
things are going so fast and i think im finally getting better
Dec 2014 · 396
thoughts for 2015
silas Dec 2014
it's still last year in my mind
who will your first thought be in 2015?
i always wanted to spend the new year by your side
of course, now, i never will be able to.

you make me a kind of happy that is 100% irresistible.
or, at least, you used to.

i've been asking myself
what do you want to achieve in 2015?
maybe learn a few handy things
leave behind every toxic person i know
form new bonds with people i deserve, with people who deserve me
perhaps not so many tears.

a few days after finally answering this question,
i realised that meant i have to let go
i had mindlessly begun to wish terrible things for you
when i decided, i shouldn't be.

what i want for you?
someone to love with all your heart.
no pain, good people and memorable times.
better people to spend your life beside.
everything that i'd want for the most beloved person i'd ever known.

for someone that completely ruined me,
you still deserve the world in my eyes.
who will be my first thought in 2015? you.
Dec 2014 · 1.2k
thoughts at 4am
silas Dec 2014
i look at the clock
4am, another night
it's clear i'm not getting any dozing hours for myself
yet i still have to rise in two hours for class.

in this moment, i only wanted to die.
be buried under the beautiful birches in the lonely cemetery
maybe i can get all the sleep i need when i'm dead.

my heart still aches for you,
the fatal craving never subsiding.

the glowing red numbers burn into my eyes, once again
i haven't slept very well since the last time we spoke
Dec 2014 · 486
christmas (aftermath)
silas Dec 2014
the festive music kept playing on repeat
never seeming to see an end
as i buried my face in the bedsheets,
i couldn't help but want the entire world to go away.

in short, i spent my christmas crying
wishing only for you again

i knew i'd made a mistake, letting you leave
i just wanted another chance.

and, you know?

the only gift i gave myself
was the carving of your name onto my own body
reminding myself
that you never really left.
an entire month since we broke up
Dec 2014 · 358
aftermath
silas Dec 2014
you know
everything reminds me of what we used to be
as i form new bonds, nothing feels like what i had with you
even as i listen to the boy i befriended just yesterday speak shyly,
nothing feels like you
nothing will replace you

maybe i'll perpetually miss this
the thing we shared
because really,
nothing ever hurt so bad.
im not getting any better
Dec 2014 · 553
"patience"
silas Dec 2014
dear jared,

you broke up with me on that friday.
you said
you couldn't handle the distance
we were at,
that we couldn't see each other,
but we could always stay friends.
from my experience, i know
love is patient.
i loved you that day
and i still do.

i was patient
i am patient.
i will be patient.
i know, i feel that when we finally meet,
it'll hurt a little less.


to this day, i hate fridays.
whenever someone says,
"thank god it's friday"
i can't help myself but disagree.
the farther away in the week,
the better.
and sometimes, it hurts a little less.

s.
jared im so sorry but i still love you just as much
Dec 2014 · 552
delirious
silas Dec 2014
my eyes are swollen as i stare at the clock
2:17am,  it reads
tick tock
tick tock
the salty tears don't stop emerging,
dripping down my pale, cold cheeks,
the same ones you used to kiss every night before bed.

i always knew i'd never remember
the way your lips tasted;
a little fruit punch and sweat here and there
the way you smelled;
calvin klein one, just a dash of it
the way you felt against me;
pure ecstasy.

s.b.//
not been improving that much.

[ not written for anyone in particular ]
Dec 2014 · 277
untitled
silas Dec 2014
get out of my head, my heart, my soul,
you don't belong there anymore
actually ready to **** myself
Dec 2014 · 361
another nightmare
silas Dec 2014
somber light shines into my window
i roll over, engulfed in consolable warmth
and reach for the pen on my nightstand.

drearily, i begin to write
"another nightmare about him."
ink sputters from the opening of the pen,
forming shaky, but beautiful words onto the ragged paper
of the journal i've kept for years
to document the progression of the loss of my sanity
since you left.

oh, but of course, you wouldn't understand.
you never dreamed about me, anyways
really been hitting home lately and i can't sleep
Dec 2014 · 278
midnight romance
silas Dec 2014
what would it be like
to feel the very flesh of another
against your own
their lips warm and pressing
eyes closed, hearts as one?
those who feel deaf, perpetual loneliness
can never know, will never.
seeming like you've received everything
you've ever wanted,
only having the opportunity
to share that sentiment
with another

s.b.//
publishing a lot of works this week
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