just the thought of you feeling alone in this world
keeps me up at night
you say
you fear you will never find someone like you
and although you and i
are not the same
i will be here to listen to you
and grip your hands tightly through this storm
that never seems to end

i want to hear your thoughts
and all of your joys and desires
what you hate and fear in this world
what evokes envy or anger
i want to have a piece of your heart in my hands

and you
are a beautifully perfect individual
einstein would envy your knowledge
and aphrodite would envy your beauty

but i can never find the right words

loving you is exhilarating
and everytime you speak you leave me breathless
and wanting to hear more

there are few people who make the sun shine
so gloriously in the sky
as if it were just for me

i hope you stay in my life forever.

you can run
and hide
from every ray of the sun
that greets the trees from the horizon

you can scream
in the night
and disturb the sleep of the birds
who awaken early to sing their songs

you can play the cards
and turn the tables of ‘victim’
any way you like
to match your game

and you can blame me
for every tear you’ve cried
or every time your fist has clenched
out of spite

but the truth is
you
are the reason
you’re unhappy.

i'm sorry
that i don't fit
your definition of male.

i'm sorry
i don't have testosterone
running rampant in my veins
i'm sorry
i don't have a bulge
like the mound on a hill
i'm sorry
i don't have a flat chest
acceptable enough to expose in the summer

i'm sorry
you can't begin to understand my heart
before judging my body.
i'm sorry
you were raised to define a man
by what's in his pants.
i'm sorry
you would rather spend your life
invalidating me
and so many others
than open the doors
that beg for a chance

but i
am just as much of a man
as the next guy.

fire engulfing the combustibles
the soft flickering of red and orange sparks
gentle, but powerful
the smell of charred oak filling my nose
a wave of light, one after the other
lingering warmth on my skin
as if i could ever replicate
what it felt like to be beside you

fire provides us warmth, light,
perhaps a vague sense of security in the hardest nights
but come too close,
and the fire
will burn
you.

you have such a gift
to entice people with your words
and bestow upon them an aching sense of hope
was i foolish to have hoped to love you?

i fell in love with a boy with dark blonde hair and the most beautiful blue green eyes ive ever seen in my life

his smile is so bright that i swear he is a star
he is the sun in my galaxy

his laugh is as warm homemade chicken noodle soup;
so comforting, so nice you could cry

maybe it's a stretch to say that i'm in love
with the way he cheers up the people around him,
taking their hands and leading them into a world
where you can feel safe and finally be yourself
instead of wearing fake masks of happiness in order to protect those around you
from the hurricane you house inside

but even years of depression later,
a simple five minutes with him makes me feel immeasurable happiness

what's his secret?

if only jealousy didn't get the best of me

i wonder why i lie in bed,
daydreaming about a boy i wish i could have
but may never have

i wonder why i can never collect the courage
to just grab his hands
or hold his face and kiss him softly

i wonder why i'm so afraid of ruining our friendship and telling him how i really feel
when i so deeply just want to be his love

i wonder what he would say
if i asked him to stay in my life forever?

i can't even seem to write
without my hands shaking
and feeling like i'm rocking back into oblivion

i can't seem to remember
all the good times i thought we had
but twas not until we went our separate ways
did i realise

you were a flower, shining brightly
soaking up the affection others gave to you
taking it within your cells
manipulating such an innocent love into empowering bloodlust

laced with your unforgiving poison,
you ****** purity and joy out of every person
who showed vulnerability

you were different.
the moment i confronted you,
you hissed at me for my "selfishness and arrogance"
and our love story ends there.

only months later did it hit me
what you'd really intended and done

at one time, you came back, crying to me
and i tried to explain what you'd done,
but you disregarded my attempts and blamed me for your actions.

deceptive little plant,
when will you learn?

"maybe it'll feel like christmas this year,"
i say, time and time again

it's been a year and i still feel the emptiness
the chills up my spine when i hear your name
the coldness of my heart that dropped ten degrees more than it is outside

a present, a kiss, a simple greeting
what does it take to make a holiday happy?

i don't want your ******* pity
i want to be remembered
as something more than just nothing to you

what a tragic love story, a depressing tale  
especially on christmas day
what gift could be any worse
than a broken heart?

salt and flowers,
to the musky smell of ***** on her lips.
who was she without her drinks?

what light her glowing eyes once held
was miserably replaced with emptiness
and the subtle dread of return to reality.

her sobriety was virtually nonexistent,
that wretched glass bottle the barrier
between her conscience and the problems truly inescapable.

she drank her heart out,
as if alcohol could fill her heart
any better than love or hope,
emotions she grew numb to ages ago.

what a sad life it must be,
drinking, the only thing left to hang onto.

but the worst? –
she never admitted her addiction.
the shaking, the blackouts, the dependence
overwhelmed every beautiful thing she used to be.
yet the words,
“i need help,”
never passed her lips once.

days on end,
the world seemed to gray out,
all things sluggish, gloomy,
but only through her eyes.

i held her shaking hands,
numbness and the cold controlling,
anxiety and depression, circulating.

she craved her drinks,
no, needed them,
and fell in love with the lack of feeling.

she felt no guilt for what she did,
“just an escape,”
and she paid a heavy price
for who she chose to be.

alas –
tomorrow is another day.

"tiaras and teacups"
reminds me of the innocence we all held at one point

"broken hearts and bitterness"
shows you how misery can change a lot about someone
you thought you knew

i wasted my first kiss on a girl i did not truly love,
only done in the heat of the moment and the almost desperate feeling that i would never be anything without it

her lips did not taste like what they say in the books and movies
i felt no heat or passion, regardless of how hard i tried
if anything, it felt wrong

afterwards, she told me she loved me
but i could not return her feelings;
i will never say i love someone if i truly do not,
because people do not deserve to be hurt that way,
the way i've been hurt, time and time again

the stories you hear people tell about their first kiss
always has a feel of magic to it, and the joy they spread, a good memory,
one that most would want to relive

but mine will always be about a girl i will never love
and i often find myself wishing it never ******* happened in the first place

i hope the next time you eat chocolate covered strawberries
you think of me
the way we'd share the taste of the bittersweet chocolate and the almost saccharine taste of fresh fruit between our lips
on those cold october nights

i hope the next time you listen to the crickets chirp at night
you think of how we used to snuggle up in bed late at night
attentive to nothing but the other's heartbeat and the insects outside play their songs for hours

i hope the next time you see those plaid patterns
you think of how i'd wrap myself all up in your flannels just to keep warm- the soft, woven fabrics brushing against my face

i just hope you don't forget about me the next time you kiss her

nothing makes me happy anymore and i think about dying every day
i look in the mirror and see my own misery reflected back at me
stop scaring me into someone i will never be

i miss you
please come home

i'll never know all the secrets you keep,
but i'll keep dreaming,
dreaming until it's 3am again and all i can think about is you.

she smelled wonderfully sad,
the salt from her tears and the floral scent of her hair
somehow combined into a heavenly aroma i couldn't get out of my nose,
that reminded me of spring depression,
*as if i were collapsing in a field of wildflowers next to the ocean.

i felt it the second you started slipping away
slowly, but surely
from me, as if i didn't notice
the day you stopped saying "i love you" before you went to bed
was the same day i knew our love was coming to a ugly close.

maybe i wasn't affectionate enough
maybe i was over affectionate
maybe you just got tired.

time goes on and i feel nothing
the emptiness of my heart
the coldness of my skin
the numbness of my brain
as i reminisce over the things i used to love about you

for a second, time stops.

stop looking at yourself in the mirror
whispering, "it'll be okay. i'll be okay."
when you know **** well
you'll be anything but okay.

i stopped looking so closely in the mirror
the day you told me i was perfect,
at least to you.

a feeling of closeness to someone i've never met
a song to share, calmness to collect
finally feeling that i hold a place
of the world we live so mindlessly in

i won't forget you.

i stopped wanting the same things as the other kids
the latest fashion, a new phone,
and started wanting you next to me for as long as it took
to feel satisfied

days on end, it's hard not to think of you
daydream endlessly, fantasize breathlessly
when you give me feelings that i never can stop thinking about

and then the pain washes over
realisation strikes like a lightning bolt
i won't be falling asleep in your arms tonight
or waking up next to you tomorrow morning,
most definitely not anytime in between.

and god, my heart aches when i think about it

it's hard not to fall in love harder,
every single time
when you're the first and last thought everyday
whether i want you to be or not

sometimes, it's quiet

i only wish you were here to feel it with me.

gaping wounds,
wide eyes,
steady streams of life trickling,
draining my body
of the happiness it once held.

pain doesn't always have to be externally felt,
does it?

i wish you still saw in me what i see in you.

s.b.//

i couldn't bring myself to look you in the eye
that last night we spent together.

i couldn't bring myself to touch your flesh
knowing that tomorrow, you'd disappear.

you kissed me between the eyes,
as if you were drunk again
groping my body
as if i were your property.

never again, will i be

i want to say i hate you for hurting me
but we both know that's not true

when will you finally remember?

dear jared,
today, i realised that i loved a boy
who wasn't you.
my time with you taught me to be patient,
despite many people who teach such themselves
are not.

his name is jake;
a humble, intellectual individual
without anything rude to ever say.
he's got neat but long, golden hair
and he's almost 6'2.
his voice is low-scale, but gentle.

i've never thought so much about kissing someone

it's still last year in my mind
who will your first thought be in 2015?
i always wanted to spend the new year by your side
of course, now, i never will be able to.

you make me a kind of happy that is 100% irresistible.
or, at least, you used to.

i've been asking myself
what do you want to achieve in 2015?
maybe learn a few handy things
leave behind every toxic person i know
form new bonds with people i deserve, with people who deserve me
perhaps not so many tears.

a few days after finally answering this question,
i realised that meant i have to let go
i had mindlessly begun to wish terrible things for you
when i decided, i shouldn't be.

what i want for you?
someone to love with all your heart.
no pain, good people and memorable times.
better people to spend your life beside.
everything that i'd want for the most beloved person i'd ever known.

for someone that completely ruined me,
you still deserve the world in my eyes.

the festive music kept playing on repeat
never seeming to see an end
as i buried my face in the bedsheets,
i couldn't help but want the entire world to go away.

in short, i spent my christmas crying
wishing only for you again

i knew i'd made a mistake, letting you leave
i just wanted another chance.

and, you know?

the only gift i gave myself
was the carving of your name onto my own body
reminding myself
that you never really left.

dear jared,

you broke up with me on that friday.
you said
you couldn't handle the distance
we were at,
that we couldn't see each other,
but we could always stay friends.
from my experience, i know
love is patient.
i loved you that day
and i still do.

i was patient
i am patient.
i will be patient.
i know, i feel that when we finally meet,
it'll hurt a little less.


to this day, i hate fridays.
whenever someone says,
"thank god it's friday"
i can't help myself but disagree.
the farther away in the week,
the better.
and sometimes, it hurts a little less.

s.

get out of my head, my heart, my soul,
you don't belong there anymore

what would it be like
to feel the very flesh of another
against your own
their lips warm and pressing
eyes closed, hearts as one?
those who feel deaf, perpetual loneliness
can never know, will never.
seeming like you've received everything
you've ever wanted,
only having the opportunity
to share that sentiment
with another

s.b.//