I saw you being pulled in a million directions
With so many opportunities,
New faces and places,
And that I was an anchor.
You would never tell me that,
Because you’re kind,
And you’re lovely,
And you see the best in everything and everyone,
But I know it’s true, because
I saw you.

So I took myself out of the equation—
I would rather watch you fly untethered,
Free of me
Than to be your ball and chain
Dragging you away from
The bright world in front of you,
The bright world you deserve.
I took myself out of the equation
Because I love you more than myself.
I wish I could put myself back in the equation every day,
But I have already been factored out,
A stray, pesky variable.
I mourn the solution to the equation everyday,
But your eyes still shine when I’m not around,
So I must have done right by you,
Even if not by myself.
I know, because
I saw you.

There’s a line in a book somewhere that says,
“She was the last person to look at me
And see me looking back,”
Or something like that.
And that’s how I feel about you—
You’re the last person to see me,
To really see me,
But I don’t see you looking back anymore.
I’m still here, looking back at you,
Even if sometimes it feels like we’re strangers,
But I look at you and see everything we’ve ever been,
Everything we are,
And everything we’ll ever be.
I look at you and almost remember what joy was,
What love was,
What belonging was,
What safety was.
Sometimes it makes me want to fall apart
All over again.
Sometimes I wonder if I should fully factor myself out
Of the equation,
But your pull on me is too strong,
And then
I see you.

inches from me
but further than the grand canyon
i know every part of you
like the lines on my hands
yet you can be
a stranger in my presence
“hello, nice to meet you
i’m reality coming to call
no matter how much you fool yourself
you came into this world alone,
and you’ll leave it the same way”
the chasm in my chest widens
without provocation
i wish i could make sense
of these swimming thoughts
in my mind
of anything at all
maybe then i could get some rest.

Walking downtown, accompanied by my old friends Loneliness and Self-Pity,
I catch glimpses fleeting
Between the window panes
Of the curves and edges that make up
Me.
I grapple with how those two people
Two contradictory people
Came together to make up contradictory
Me.
A lump rises in my throat
As the intrusive thought overcomes me:
I am the worst of two contradictory people.
I am his need
To always be the smartest in the room,
To follow my whims and ambitions,
To leave.
I am her mouth drawn shut
Because to share myself is to lose myself
Even though there is nothing left to lose.
I am her need to be in the driver’s seat
To take control
Because the universe has already taken so much.
I have his Wanderer’s heart
But her feet keep me Grounded.
Ah, but you see,
I have taken these things
And made them something completely my own!
Now that I am self-aware,
I overthink these traits until
I am on the brink of Insanity,
Riddled with Anxiety,
And completely isolated in a
Prison of my own making.
Maybe there are people who would help,
But my lips are drawn shut,
And I am good at leaving.
So I walk downtown alone,
With my good friends Loneliness and Self-Pity,
Unsure of whether the wetness on my cheek
Is the falling of tears or rain,
And not caring which one is the Truth.

Wouldn’t it be nice
To unscrew your head
When it all becomes too much?
I would put it in the corner
Of my closet
Next to the old shoes
And articles I’m not bold enough to wear
So I could get a break
From the tsunami thoughts raging inside.
And it would all be quiet.
Then I would pick it back up, and
***** it back on my neck
When my shoulders are strong enough
To bear the weight once again.

Wouldn’t it be nice
To unzip your skin
When you’re crawling and itching
To get out?
I would lay it down
Where it wouldn’t get
Too *****
And I would stand with my
Arms open wide
As I feel the wind
Rattle around my old bones.
And I would be free.
Then I would pick it up,
Dust it off, and
Put it back on when I got chilly.

Wouldn’t it be nice
To hide your mouth
When it pains you to smile?
I would put in the bathroom drawer
Next to my contacts
And the makeup I use to
Mask my insecurities.
And all would be calm.
Then I would pull it out, and
Place it back on my face
Once my cheeks have stopped hurting
And I am ready to greet the day once again.
Except a smile doesn’t mean a **** thing
When you can see the melancholy pools
In my eyes.
I guess it’s not a perfect solution.

Blue skies,
Clear, endless, and free;
Sunflowers standing tall,
Unyielding to the wind;
Daisy chains,
Woven carefully just for me;
Fluffy, funny little puppies,
Floppy ears, big paws, and wagging tails;
Car windows down, driving fast,
Arm out the window, wind whipping my hair;
Singing at the top of our lungs,
Our own personal concert;
Breathless laughter brings me to the brink,
Ribs hurting, stomach aching, and heart full;
Smiles so wide my cheeks my break,
And if they do, it would be okay;
Shared looks, silently saying we understand each other,
Your eyes are a one-way mirror to my heart;
Holding hands in the dark,
This beautiful braid of fingers;
Sitting with a circle of friends,
Knowing that that we all belong to each other;
Succulent strawberries,
Sweet and ****, juice dribbling down chins;
Splitting a chocolate bar with a friend,
Simple, pure, and rich;
A pretty sundress,
Sun on my shoulders and a pep in my step;
A good eyeliner day,
Sharp, precise, and controlled;
A really good song,
Reverberating through my soul, written just for me;
Laying with you, eyes closed,
Not wanting to be anywhere else;
This is what I think happiness is.

I want to see you in the summer
Sitting at the edge
With our feet in the water.
The ice creams in our hands melt
As the temperature gets hotter.
We don’t speak as we eat,
But we don’t have to,
Because the silence between us is not uncomfortable.

I want to see you in the moonlight
When we would walk so far that my feet bled,
Our eyes fixed on the road ahead-
But you walk close to me
And turn on your flashlight
Because you know that I am scared of the dark.

I want to see you in during autumn
When the leaves are the color of your hair.
Your words are so carefree it’s not even fair.
We look cozy in sweaters;
I’d be cozier if I was closer to you,
But you forge a path ahead,
And I follow you.

I want to see you illuminated
A dim glow cast on your features
By a 1980s horror film.
It doesn’t scare me, yet I wish it did
Because then maybe you would hold me,
But I wouldn’t pretend, because to you I would not lie.
This is just a movie between two friends: you and I.

I want to see you in the wintertime
Red cheeks and nose
Mine are too,
But not from the cold-
I think about these things as I’m hit by a snowball from you.
You laugh while I pretend to be mad
As the cold infiltrates my shirt,
But I don’t feel it,
Because we all know that I’m burning for you.

I want to see you every which way
Dressed up, dressed down;
Distressed or acting like a clown;
Excited, acting with reckless abandon;
Content, allowing me to see you undone.
I want to see it all,
But right now, I want to see you.

I’ve lived my life in the pursuit of the truth,
(You can’t handle the truth.)
Constantly looking for an ounce of proof
To confirm my narrative.
(****, you’d be a good politician-
If only you had the stomach for it.)

I’ve lived my life inside my head
(Tell me about this place you live-
Is the space a shoebox or ******* massive?)
Fighting my corner until my knuckles bled.
(Your knuckles bled, eh?
Surprised you put in that much effort.)

I’ve lived my life trying to be right
Because to be anything else
Is unacceptable
And frankly, it is not in my blood.
(Oh, sweetheart, there are a lot of things
That are not in your blood.
If only you knew-)

I’ve ignored so much
In pursuit of the truth,
In pursuit of my truth.
I’ve walked with my eyes and ears closed
Assuming that the cars would miss me
If I wander too far to the left.
A lot of the time my pursuits fail,
But a lot of the time I am successful.
This time, I have read all the books
And my senses are opened.
So please tell me, how come
When I’m proven right,
When I’ve gotten what I wanted,
It cuts me just as deep as when I’m wrong?

(You seek the truth,
But you do not truly seek it.
You seek the easy truth,
The convenient truth.
But sometimes, that truth does not exist
And you must brace yourself for that.
You are capable of that,
For you are stronger than you realize.
To hurt is not to be wrong,
It is to be human,
To feel,
To be alive
And be aware of the fact-
Not such a bad thing to be,
If you ask me.)

You were a kindly ear when no one was here;
You saw me shaking and took away my fear;
You were a shoulder to lean on when I was weak;
You blew away the clouds when all was bleak;
You make me feel like I have important words to say;
A compliment from you can make my whole day;
When you saw that tears were imminent,
You took me in your arms and said, “You were brilliant;”
You make me feel wanted, one-of-a-kind,
And you’re the best friend I can find;
Your eyes are a work of art,
They’re a one-way mirror - we share the same heart;
If that’s not what a soulmate is,
Then I don’t know where else to start.

Blank page;
Early age;
Trying to set aside my rage-
But all I find is sorrow.

My lips sing the same old tune;
Passersby stare at me like I'm a loon;
Perhaps they wouldn't if I found a new song to croon-
Maybe you've got one I can borrow.

In the streets, we walk so close;
In my head are a thousand poems I'll never compose;
But I know I'll never be your morning rose-
Cupid must have missed when he shot his arrow.

Tonight I lay in my bed,
Thinking of all the words I have and haven't said,
Wishing I'd just opened my mouth instead-
Maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow.

You are not demure.
Your vocabulary is not pure.
But baby, I'd just like to say
That I wouldn't have it
Any other way.

They look at you and say,
"Pretty girl, but I wish
Her **** were as big
As her mouth is."
But I don't.

I love the way
You wear your hair,
Like you just don't care,
Like you are a lion,
And this is your mane.
I love the way
Your eyes are sea blue
And you haven't got a clue
How these little details
Drive me insane.

They look at you and say,
"Pretty girl, but I wish
She took more pride
So she looked as good outside
As she does on the inside.
Maybe if she took her head
Out of that book, then
Her neck wouldn't be so bent.
Then she'd look heaven-sent."
But I don't.

Don't get me wrong-
I don't love everything about you.
You laugh too loud and too shrill,
You argue even when the point is nil.
Your eyes are too big for your face,
Sometimes your jokes are out of place.
You're regular hurricane of a girl,
But sweetheart, I love severe weather.

So honey, if
What they want is a
Pretty girl
To live in a pretty world,
Hair in a messy (in a cute way) bun,
Skin kissed by the sun,
Coke bottle figure
Who's never pulled the trigger,
Cherry lipsmack kiss
Only knows of bliss,
Then so be it.

They can keep
All of the pretty girls
Living in pretty worlds
Who have given up their goals
And sold their souls,
Because I don't want any part.
Love, it's always been you
I've wanted from the start.

The one is a myth
I bid farewell long ago,
Along with the illusion
Of lasting bliss.
That was a fairytale, I know-
Concocted to charm little girls
Whose parents could not bear
To break it to them
That they would never be a princess.

But maybe it was not a total lie.
Perhaps there are many ones
Just waiting for
The right moment in time
To stop you with a smile,
Maybe even stay a while.
Then when the season changes,
The one will too,
And you will be blue,
But then you will find someone new.

Is it like going to the library?
My heart is a bestseller-
Someone new takes it for a spin
Until a different story catches his whim.
I was the right book at the right time,
The patron has a wandering mind-
It is not a crime.

It is not like going to the library,
Because they check out my heart,
Then return it again-
But they rip out their favorite page
To keep as a souvenir of the adventure-
Because to them, that is all it is:
Another adventure, another conquest,
Another stop on the road to where they are going.
They do it without knowing
The trail of tears they leave
And the hot fire of rage.

The one is a myth.
There are over seven billion people here,
But that does not mean that for everyone
A prince or princess shall appear
Standing underneath the tower window
Calling, "Let down your hair!"
Hey, I never said it was fair.

empty is not the right word.
what is the word for
not quite empty but not quite full?
there is a glass on the table-
it is not half-empty,
but it is not half-full.
it is just a glass of water.
i am just a glass of water:
not empty, not full;
not happy, not sad-
not anything.
not anything at all.

the clear blue nothingness
reminds me of the fact.
it’s dotted with cotton candy clouds.
i wonder if they are as sweet.
my tongue salivates at the thought.
it is like a land of dreams
without sorrow or pain
yet i am here,
floating lightly
though i feel like a paperweight,
weighed down by the lump in my throat.

it’s hard to remember
what home looks like.
i can’t see in terms of
“where i belong,”
i only see in terms of
“the trees are like broccoli sprouts-” and
“the cars look like hotwheels-” and
“every single one has a person in it, and
they all have their own journeys, and
i am here.”
i don’t think they know how beautiful it is.
i didn’t.

home to me now is a backpack
a couple books
and a trinket from an old friend.
they are the only ones like me:
strangers in a strange land.
i’d like to find my way back someday-
if only i knew the way.

tonight i am
a tourist
in your bedroom
my party dress
is like hawaiian shirts and khakis
compared to the t-shirts and jeans
littering your carpet
like fallen brown leaves
during autumn
i sit on your duvet
because you said
wait here-
i’ll be back in a minute
but it’s been ten
so my eyes wander
like a wayward wren
your books are not mine
there’s no poetry
there are pictures of memories
on your wall
none of them me
after tonight, that’s all i’ll be-
a note is on your board:
i love you
was it her?
it’s hard to see
oh wait, it was me
it’s bent and folded
like my insides
the writing is fading
like the makeup on my face
what’s taking you so long?
maybe you didn’t want me
and all this time i was wrong
and you’re hiding in the bathroom
waiting for me to take the hint
and leave
of course that’s it
i can’t believe
i thought you
actually wanted me
i’m so silly
of course
i do not belong here
my purse looks wrong
laying next to your guitar
but i can fix that quick
i will simply
thank you
for the ride
nurse my wounded pride
then i’ll be gone
and you will forget me
before long
so i get up
and the door opens
and you’re there
and you smile
and you touch my shoulder
and you say
i’m sorry
i took so long
i wanted to find
the perfect record
with the perfect song
you know that one
about a sunset in waterloo?
it always reminds me of you
but i’m here now
and i’m so silly
this whole night
is a mess
like my lipstick
on your lips
oh this anxiety i detest
your clothes are funny
compared to my dress
your books are not mine
besides the one on the end
(my brilliant friend)
the memories on the wall
are not of me
but they could be
i do not belong here
that is for sure
but then again-
all these things
were chosen by you
and i was too
so maybe i do belong
after all

the silence never bothered me before-
quiet between two so intertwined
is not uncomfortable like the silence
it is merely absence of sound
-but it bothers me now
all but consuming my mind

and i say nothing
and you say nothing
and everywhere there is nothing

i pray for the radio to work its charm
with those magic changes
give me a song to sing
give me anything
that would be better than this
small talk between two so intertwined

"you're awfully quiet," you say
and i say nothing
because my right brain has a lot to say
but my left brain knows not to say it

i want to say, "i know that you don't want me here"
the thought, clear like perfectly formed ice,
echoes through my mind:
(i know that you don't want me here,
i know that you don't want me here...)
somehow that is the one thing worse than
the deafening silence
because it's the truth
and we both know it

i want to scream, "can't you see i'm hurting?"
it's written all over my face
in smiles that don't reach my eyes
in lips joined in vowed silence

"i miss you," you say
and i say nothing
but i want to be the braveheart
and cry something bold, like
"if that is so then
how come when i'm here
your face is illuminated
by a phosphorescent glow?"
but i hold my tongue
i know my thoughts are wicked
yet they are my thoughts

and i say nothing
and you say nothing
and the silence says everything

the tune had been haunting
london for weeks past,
but when the lights went out,
they went out fast.

none of us thought
those days would end.
the music would always be there
anytime we needed a friend.

the sweetness of the soprano;
sprinkled over a sultry saxophone;
the steady heartbeat of an upright bass;
titillating trumpets tooting a tune.

the raven-haired lady: the envy of the room;
the men could only dream
of being so lucky.
the ladies could only scream,
hoping to catch the tall dark stranger's eye.
at the end of the night,
we all sang a whiskey lullaby.

but the wind blew cold-
it made us shiver.
the band packed up their magic.
the soprano ran off with the tall dark stranger.
all alone and without home,
the raven-haired lady blew her mind out,
nowhere left to roam.

nights became weeks and weeks became months.
our throats were perpetually plugged with lumps.
it's hard to say how meaningful it can be-
the touch something can have,
no matter how seemingly arbitrary-
until it is gone with the wind.

they say that we're not unique
like we think we are
and perhaps that is true
but i'm not joking when i say
that there is no one else like you-
or rather, there was no one else like you

everything about you stood out
from your smile that reached
from corner to corner of your cheek
eyes dark as night yet sparkled so bright
long hair of ebony-colored silk
and the most genuine laugh
anyone has ever heard

there is a face missing in the hall
they all think i don't notice at all
but they don't know the truth
my heart aches for you
how i regret what was
how i mourn what could have been
how i can't quite comprehend
that this is your end

your name rhymes with your age
both imprinted on my brain, a permanent tattoo-
seventeen
forever seventeen and gone too soon
your future stolen from you
by what you felt you had to do

they say that everyone loves you
when you're six foot in the ground
but in your case, that's not true-
everyone loves you, period
sometimes words aren't enough
but i hope you know, wherever you are
i hope you gather up our love
and take it with you when you fly away
soaring high above us all

fly away, sweet creature
find the peace that you yearned for
on earth in the good place
find everything that you deserved
and much, much more
i wish you nothing but happiness
i'm only sorry you couldn't find it here

we all hold you near our hearts
so it's okay if you fly away
goodbye, angel-
it will be a while
before any of us see you again
but i know we will all
be together again someday
when we too meet our end

left brain, left brain
logical and literal
logarithms and lessons
long nights with little light
left brain sees the one
we love
and stays away
because it's the right thing to do

right brain, right brain
romantic and ridiculous
poetry and promises
dreams and darlings
yet to be killed
right brain sees the one
we love
and shrivels up dead
because being so close and so far
is too much for one to bear
when your heart is impaired

left brain, left brain
sees sights of soaring smiles
sees sights of somber sorrow
and squashes it with seas of cynicism
because left brain knows better
those people hurt us before-
why let them hurt us some more?

right brain, right brain
silly and sentimental
attaches arbitrary attributes
to objects of ominous obeisance
because right brain is impulsive
in this moment, they are everything
so they will always be everything-
right?

left brain, right brain
dynamic dichotomy
different and drastic
secure and stubborn
too strong-willed to back down
too lonely to break apart
disagree as we may
we know we might as well stay
for everyone in life needs a friend
and left brain and right brain
will be together until the end

is it true that in one lifetime
one can have many different ones
with to share their time?
but if that is so, then
why is it called 'the one,' singular?
and if that is so, then
what happens when one finds the one
and right through their fingers-
away the one slips?

because i found 'the one,' singular
the one who jump-started my heart
the one with whom i wanted my life to start
the one who warmed my heart, chilled and cold
the one who would love me
even when my body grew wrinkled and old

but when the cold turned to heat
you got wandering feet
i woke up cold and alone
with the loneliest feeling
that i have ever known
the one whose existence i doubted
the one who made me believe
was gone

i don't know where you are
but i know where i can always find you
sitting right there on the tip of my tongue
running through my mind
pulling my puppet strings
making me see things
eyes that are just shades of you
baby blues bring bad news
i should have known better,
i should have known better.

love is a cancer
love is a cancer because
even though you feel optimistic about your prognosis
even though you still have delusions about your (im)mortality
cancer is cancer
and with cancer, there is only one way this can end

love is a cancer
because you hear the stories
you see the victims
but you always roll your eyes and say
"that'll never be me"
but it will be you
love is a cancer
and i am the patient

love is a cancer
and i met you in a support group
we commiserated over our shared illness
then overcame it together
hand in hand, we thought we were safe
but love is a cancer
and you will never be safe

love is a cancer
and cancer is cruel
as you regained your strength, i lost mine
your love is a tumor
at first it was so small
i didn't notice a difference
but with each new time you let me down
that tumor inside me grew and grew
until one day it overtook me
there was nothing we could do

love is a cancer
like all illnesses
you think it can be treated
i sat through long hours of radiation
i sat soggy from the chemo
my lips, chapped and faded
longed for your sweet kiss
even thought i felt it once-
but alas, your touch was only a dream
a side effect from my killing savior
love is a cancer
and my love, my darling-
it has metastasized

love is a cancer
and i was the patient
in just five months, i have grown
jealous, rail-thin, and prone to paranoia
a shell of who i am
who i used to be
now i am stuck here, useless and helpless
i lack the weakness to hand over my life
i lack the strength to say goodbye
five months ago, i was optimistic
since of course i am invincible
but i am not invincible
because cancer is cancer
and with cancer, there is only one way this will end

d-i-v-o-r-c-e
spells 'the end'
the end of all things
the end of crinkle-eyed smiles
the end of early morning kisses
the end of late night giggles
the end of bathroom break tears
the end of raw vocal chords
the end of resentment
the end of love

d-i-v-o-r-c-e
spells 'new'
new start
new house
new freedom
new tears
new loneliness
new love
new life

d-i-v-o-r-c-e
spells 'i give up'
i give up on cleaning up your ***** cereal bowls
i give up on picking up your clothes
i give up on our queen-sized bed
i give up on two toothbrushes
i give up on two bathroom drawers
i give up on sharing a closet
i give up on sharing a life
i give up on you

d-i-v-o-r-c-e  
spells 'give it away'
pictures of the life we shared? give it away.
that queen-sized bed? give it away.
four bedroom house? give it away.
circular piece of platinum? give it away.
diamond ring? give it away.
your love? give it away.

d-i-v-o-r-c-e  
spells 'without'
without pain
without anger
without anxiety
without snoring
without kisses
without hands
without guidance
without a friend
without you

d-i-v-o-r-c-e  
spells 'too'
too far
too bad
too sad
too much
too late

d-i-v-o-r-c-e  
spells 'goodbye'
goodbye, my love
goodbye, dear old friend
goodbye, *******
goodbye, bane of my existence
i wish you all the best, but
goodbye, my friend

the early morning sun washes our faces
you curse the brightness
i say 'good morning'
and it is
because i woke up next to you

and i ask,
"is it just me
or do you smell honeysuckle?"
and you say,
"no, but i smell your morning breath
and it ******* stinks."

i ask,
"is it just me
or do you hear
a fanfare of trumpets
perhaps a string quartet?"
and you say,
"no, cinderella, but i hear the birds
they're here to wash your hair
and i hear the mice
they're here to dress you."

i ask,
"is it just me
or are you in love right now?"
and you say,
"no, but i am in bed
and for me
that's good enough."

my little optimist heart is confused
because grandma told me
my glass was always half-full
because mama told me
'if you have nothing nice to say
then say nothing at all.'
but you are so vicious
with your poisonous tongue
and your poor disposition
my little optimist heart
doesn't know what to do
because it beats for you

i ask,
"why can't this be
a good morning
for both you and me?"
and you say,
"on the contrary,
it is a good morning:
it is sunday
bombs are not falling from the sky
you live in a good neighborhood
and i am in bed
next to a beautiful woman
so yes, it is a good morning."

i cannot be sure
how much you mean
and how much is meant
to be comedy
as you walk a thin tightrope
between pure comedy and pure honesty
so i take that as my cue
to roll over and go back to sleep

i cannot be sure
but you might have kissed my neck
and said this is all you need
but it all could have been
some honey-soaked dream
how am i to discern
between fantasy and reality
when you have drawn the line so thin
between pure comedy and pure honesty?

the sun rises every day
the neighbor's rooster always wakes us
underneath the covers
pressed against your skin
is safe and warm
outside is cold and uncertain
i know if you heard me say this
you would surely *****
but baby, you have to admit
each other is all we've got

sticks and stones
may break my bones
but i know words
will destroy me

tearing and stringing together
to form the strongest weapon of all
the pen truly is mightier than the sword
or perhaps there is no difference
i am incapable of making that inference

choose your sharpest knives
straight from your thickest dictionary
find out i am not a reactionary
they say i bleed black ink
want to prove the rumor?
i know you can
i dare you to

i will crumble
i will smolder and fade away
like words burned on a page
trapped inside your literary rage

sharpen your knives
ones that destroy lives
trusty six-gun on your left
thesaurus on your right
huff and puff
with all your might
and i will
fall
down

all my life i've been skeptical
that "the one" exists for every one
'cause in my life i've watched "the one"
turn too many hearts skeletal
but they all scoff at my fear
they say, "holly, you'll know when you fall"
well, once upon a time, i fell
all that resulted in was tears
and enough self-esteem issues to last me for years
but then they have the absolute gall
to say, "when in doubt, just try try again"
try again? try again?
how many times do i have to lose a friend?
how many times do i have to pretend?

god this is awful
how can we as a society consider it lawful?
it's enough to make me pray for an end
to the madness, the search, the chase
to bow out with just a little bit of grace
after all, cats are cute
puppies are loyal
and i've got my friends
so pick up the phone and call me
when this **** ends

enter you
i didn't know what to do
my glimmer of hope didn't spark
you weren't my flashlight in the dark
but soon i saw less gloom
i saw flowers bloom
my heart opened up like a rosebud
while my mind still remains closed up
because mom and dad live at separate addresses
because colorful words paint a picture
because i doubt my ability to break the chain
so love is the thing that my heart suppresses

you wormed your way in
got right under my skin
slowly at first, then all at once
for the first time my heart didn't yell, "there's been a break in!"
it only extended a friendly hand and said, "welcome home."
so for now you have my heart on loan
and yeah, i still don't believe in "the one"
but my love, my darling, i believe in us
and for me, that is enough

who am i?
what am i?
is my identity determined by my actions?
so that makes me a girl who'd rather write than live
and takes in life about as well as a siv
but is that all i am?
because that excludes the laughter
the offkey singing
the mediocre horn playing
and my lack of praying

or is the only me who matters
the one who is seen
through a million other eyeballs?
she says i'm a talent, a bottomless pit
a good friend, one you'd want
a girl obsessed with times new roman font
someone who's all the best parts of salty and sweet
but tell me, if that's the truth
then how come my phone isn't blowing up with calls?

am i little else than the me in the mirror?
two little tired chocolate truffles
unruly dark hair
skin that doesn't know what to be
all contained underneath a makeup mask

it's difficult to put a label on a person
while also taking time to imagine them complexly
to call me just one name ignores the best and the worst
the person in love with language
also uses it as a weapon to attack
the girl with a chip on her shoulder
never wants to look back

inside of me is a multitude of ladies
pretty preppy ladies
singing show girls
nifty nerd chicks
to choose one and ignore the rest would be a sham
so maybe i don't know who i am
and maybe that's okay

"never let it die"
never let what die, exactly?
the passion?
i love arranging words
but even i have to admit
that eventually the day will come
when i can't find a new way for the words to sit
and i can't know if that day will come
before the day my curséd hands-
the ones that feel like pianist's when floating across a keyboard
while the owner watches words dance on the page
-become gnarled with age
perpetually pained and praying for the end
my life's greatest joy in the beginning
once my best friend
soon becomes my wayward true love
gone on the wings of a dove
leaving me with nothing to do
but stare hard with tired eyes at a bingo card

or is it the wonder?
wonder is life's greatest blunder
because as long as knowledge knows what's best
wonder will wind up dying like the rest
surely it is no contest
when a child's tooth transfigures into a 50 cent piece
just like magic
except for the part where little timmy
one eye peeled open
sees dad sneaking away in the night
trying so hard not to make a sound
or the year sally slaved over cookies for santa
taking care to leave a carrot for rudolph
only to realize that for some strange reason
santa's signature bore striking resemblance
to mom's when the pen in her hand does a dance

is it the motivation?
motivation is sometimes hard
when people are telling me that this isn't my calling card
all their tight-lipped smiles of pity
whenever i'm asked, "what else do you want to do?"
to be perfectly honest, it feels kind of ******
it's a knife in my heart, a stab in my back
in my darkest hour i feel my resolve crack
and there goes the backbone we all know i lack

or maybe it means me
or bigger than me, the fragility of life
the very thing that causes so many strife
but i know it is merely a pipedream
eventually my poor eyes will lose their gleam
you might say,
"hey now holly
it's not so bad
you could live on through your words
come on, they're more than just a fad
wouldn't that be rad?
now, there's no need to be sad!"
i mean, sure, but it isn't me who's got longevity
it's those words i wrote just to get some levity
what's so special about me
compared to all those other dead white dudes?
tell me one thing about shakespeare the man
and then tell me about your favorite play he penned
then we'll measure which conversation's longer
and that's the answer
regarding whether me or my words are stronger

"never let it die"
now that one's a crapshoot
but trust me, i'll be ****** if i don't go down trying
"ms. mcfarlane, you're dying-"
-**** straight, kid, we're all dying
but listen here, sonny
i'll be a monkey's uncle if you think
i'm going before you do, just another fink
nah, i'm going down screaming and fighting
i don't really care if they drag me down or up
just pour a little more champagne in my cup
this whole life thing? it's mostly dumb luck

"never let it die"-
now that's impossible, but
water it, nurture it, let it grow
not having the ambition, though
that's your real foe
its temporary nature is the artistry
that fosters the artist in me
so sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride
because everything in life happens in due time

lady
pretty lady
happy lady
smiley lady
singing lady
funny lady
laughing lady
cute lady
fine lady
hat lady
hipster lady
hold me, lady

lay lady
lay with me on my big brass bed
stay with this lady a little while
let's not do anything today, lady
can we watch movies all day, lady?
i'll let you take my sixteen candles virginity
as long as you've saved your pretty in pink one for me

cheeky lady
sweet lady
warm lady
soft lady
kind lady
kiss me, lady?

blue lady
sassy lady
music lady
lovely lady
love me, lady?

death by cute boys
yup, you read me right
seeing such sweet smiles
finally did me in last night
my little old heart can't take it
i know they will steal my little old heart
and one day they will break it

death by cute boys
i won't be coy
they do give me immense joy
i don't purport to understand boys
but i know enough to know
all they do is destroy

death by cute boys
'the thing you love
will one day take you-'
that may be true, but
i can't help it if
their love makes me feel brand new

you might say,
"if you know your kryptonite
then avoid it
if you know you've got a weapon
then deploy it"
i tried so hard, honest i did
i abstained from affection
held off as long as i could
meditated on my faults
came to peace with my weakness
found there was nothing i could do
i can't not have them
they can't not hurt me
i am in agony constantly
but this is my fate, you see

death by cute boys, though
there are worse ways to go-
now i lay me down to sleep
they lay roses
by my feet, across my chilly chest
but one will know
it is lilacs i love the best
that one is why i let them
put my heart to the test

the waiting is the hardest part
i will die a thousand little deaths
deaths by cute boys
before one comes to give me life
it's the price that i pay
but trust me
i wouldn't have it any other way

always the bridesmaid, never the bride
you have no idea how many times i cried
asking, "why me? why not me?"

well, for starters
i always oversleep
my eating habits are on repeat
i've worn the same clothes, same filth
for three days this week
i don't make an effort because i'm not going out
but no one asks me out because i don't make an effort
i write love poems i never send
i creepily covet people i consider friends
while my heart is stuck on the same old trend

hearts
yours and mine
your heart
pure and prone to breaking bones
my heart
crippled and casually crashing cars
the destruction duo
probably foreshadowing if i'm honest

i never get any rest
purple hues rise to the surface
furthermore, my life lacks any zest
and to top it all off
no matter how hard i've tried
i know i'll probably never be satisfied
so yeah
maybe that is why

she's searching for those golden days
ones she never had
of putting flowers in her hair and dancing in the moonlight
turning up the radio too loud and wearing out her records
a beautiful feeling of love
that dangerous drug
coursing through her young veins

someone grabs her hand
and they sway to the waltz rhythm
she looks up into his eyes
hoping to forever remember their blueish brownish greenish color
she wishes that he would only shoot up with her perfume
honeysuckle and roses, so fragrant and sweet

one two three, one two three, one two three...
someone pass another drink, light another cigarette
as tomorrow may never come
so let's live for tonight

and so long she has been dreaming
of those golden days
that she never considered
golden days were right in front of her nose all along

little rich boys follow orders
attend prep school, learn a dead language
put on your suit and tie young man, tuck your shirt tails in
wash your hands, throw your opinions in the bin
little rich boys follow orders
they do what daddy says

then there was richard cory
eighteen years old and handsome as could be
the one who preferred his own company at socials
his time spent fending off vampiresses
and writing poetry on cocktail napkins

"father," he said, proud and puffing out his chest
"i wrote my own book of poetry, and i think it's the best
i know that the bank is waiting for me
but in my heart i'm a poet, oh can't you see?
i want to be a poet, father, oh please just let me be a poet."

little rich boys do not disobey orders
and from the time he could comprehend
richard cory knew that being a banker was at his road's end
but if richard cory couldn't write poetry
he knew his heart would never mend

father's fat face flooded deep crimson
"listen, boy: you are my only son
and you shall be a banker when the deed is done
just like your grandfather, me, and his father before
you have not lived unless your life is a bore
i will not have a dreamer for a son
head in the sky as the world passes him by
while my business is fated to slowly die
no, if a poet my son chooses to be
then no questions asked, i will put you in the army."

that could never be
fainted-hearted fair skinned richard cory
would not last a day in the army
surely he was doomed to receive a bullet in the head

into his lungs he took a shaky breath
paler than pale, his lips formed a false smile
with a nod, he returned to his room
his words, his poetry-
it was everything, they were everything
without it he was to be another rich boy
following father's orders and saying, "yes sir"
who would grow to be a rich old man with no hair
who would always wonder what he might have done there

one thing was for sure:
if richard cory wasn't able to write poetry
his heart would never mend
this was the end

shaking hands, tears in his eyes
when he was a little boy he said he would not tell lies
a metal barrel in his perfect mouth, so foreign and cold-
father, this is what you asked for-
fingers fumbled with the release-
oh lord, eighteen years young and soon to be dead-
it was no secret to the people living in the town
when richard cory put a bullet in his head

summertime is here and flowers bloom
but inside my ghostly heart there is only gloom
because you're in love with my dreams
when the doors are shut and the curtains are closed
yet late at night i still yearn for you across the bay
in this much too-large bed i lay
desperately wishing you were *****

wait, no-
that's not it
i just wish that my side was the one on which you'd sit
i want you to sleep in my bed
i want to put him out of your head
i want it to be my baby in your crib
i want your third finger to wear my ring
i want you to be able to give me your everything

do you know what i want more than that?
i want to erase him from existence
i want to rub out the last five years
like chalk from a chalkboard
and start anew with you
i want to pick up where we left off
with you waiting patiently for me
hanging on my every word
as though they were the sweetest sounds you've heard
like honeysuckle or roses or poppies
or daisies

but no
you loved me too
well guess what? i love you
no past tense
no "too"
i love you
everything i do
every breath i take
every time my hands shake
every smile i wear
oh, that's my cross to bear
the *****, the banter, the banquets, the bands
my darling dear, it's all for you

don't you see?
why can't you understand
the part of my plan
where five years just disappear
this house is too big for only me (lonely me)

i should be laying next to you
but all i have is this green light
i close my eyes but it's tattooed inside
i wish i could put that thing out of my sight
but when you're laying in his bed
at least i still have my green light
to give me solace at night

lovely lady, i'll follow your lead
i learned to do that in the war
no matter how far
you have my heart
just promise to hold it dear
and for the rest of my days
i know i will have no fear

let me take you by the hand
and lead you to my garden
we don't have to do anything all day
you pack the picnic and i'll do the rest

we can just sit in the grass
rest your head on my chest
empty your troubled mind
out onto the ***** earth beneath us

i'll weave you a daisy chain
to replace the bad you released
and i'll crown you the king
of all carrot flowers

once we're tired of basking in the sun
our skin glowing golden brown
we can go run down
to the water and jump in feet first
we'll try our best not to drown

make me a ring out of a rosebud
and i'll do whatever you want
anything your mind can come up with
as long as it involves laying with you
underneath the shade of this tree

let's just live here forever together
for the rest of our days we'll happy be
bound together by luck, fate, and daisy chains
just you and me

poetry, poetry
why don't you grow a tree?
then you could contribute
something positive to society
and when you die
it will be tall as can be
for all to see
and you can sleep happy
thinking of your tree
and the good it will bring
with fruit
and shade
and fun and smiles
and they will all be so thankful for years to come
but poetry?
poetry rots
poetry sits at the bottom
of your desk, of your trash
poetry creates waste
junk of the heart
so just lead a simple life
a happy life
that is my advice to you
but only you can choose
whether to heed it or ignore it

nature boy
you feel the pieces of broken earth between your toes
and yet no one knows
of your simultaneous sorrow and joy

nature boy
with wind blowing through your hair
no one knows you're there

nature boy
sitting in the sun
escaping on the run
your guitar in your hand
with your body in the sand

oh, but nature boy
can't you see?
there's a whole wide world out there
beyond you and me
there are birds and rocks and babbling brooks
and so many people and creatures to meet
we aren't all crooks, nature boy
you needn't be so coy
so why don't you drop by
and say hello?

"step right up, step right up
       the train leaves in an hour"
train? train to where?
       "oh, this train is magnificent
       technology from the year 3000
       it can take you wherever you want to go
       where the sun never stops shining
       fields full of flowers as far as the eye can see"
well, that sounds lovely!
could i lay in the grass and bask in the sun?
       "well, of course you can, beautiful!
       you can lay in the grass all day long
       sun shining on you
       and you never have to go back inside"
well, that sounds perfect!
what is there to do there?
      "anything you could ever possibly want!"
anything?
      "of course!"
are there rabbits to catch?
      "certainly!"
are there chickens to chase?
      "more chickens than you know what to do with, beautiful!"
how about water to traipse about in and swim in?
      "there is a beautiful lake under the shade of trees
      i'm sure you'd love it there!"
well, this place sounds wonderful!
i must tell them about it
they would love it there!
we can all lay in the sun together
and pick out shapes in the clouds
they could watch me chase the chickens and the rabbits
he and i could swim in the lake
oh, how lovely that would be!
       "my darling, that is the catch-
       one day, they will join you
       but it cannot be today
       you must get on this train alone
       for that is how you got off of it
       all those years ago"
i don't know about all this...
i don't want to go without them
please don't make me go alone
       "i'm sorry, sweet creature, but you must
       those are the rules, i'm afraid
       i know it is scary
       but you are brave
       i know you can do it"
i don't want to leave them
they are all i have
they give me affection and food
and i love them very much
if there is a place where the sun doesn't set
i want them there too
       "i know, but this is just how it is
       and this is how it has to be
       step right up, step right up!
       the train leaves in thirty minutes
       it is time to say goodbye"
goodbye? i don't want to say goodbye
i can't leave them!
who will they give hugs and belly rubs?
what will they possibly do with all those kisses?
       "i'm sure they can put them all to good use
       humans are good at that"
but who will kiss them?
who will say "i love you" every minute?
who will let them know about the thunderstorms?
they are very stupid and unafraid
so i must tell them when there is danger
tell me, who will do that if i'm not there?
       "they will be okay, i promise
       they will carry on
       humans are good at that
       step right up, step right up
       the train leaves in fifteen minutes
       be ready with your tickets"
i'm still not sure about this
it seems very sudden
for me to go on this trip
and not tell them about it
       "darling, it will be okay
       they will understand
       humans are not good at that
       but they will try their best for you"
how can you be sure?
they are very stupid and very silly
they need me to look after them
       "darling, it will be okay
       the time has come for them to look after themselves
       they will fail
       but they will try their best for you"
i am going to miss them though-
       "they will miss you too-"
i love them very much-
       "and they love you-"
but this place you speak of sounds so nice-
       "but it is time for you to go, my dear
       step right up, step right up
       the train is leaving now!
       say your final goodbyes-"
but this isn't goodbye, right?
and this isn't final-
it's just a 'see you later'
we'll meet again, i'm sure of it
because i was made for them
and they were made for me
       "it's time to choose now, love
       are you on or off?"
i suppose i have no choice
it is too good for me to pass up this offer
i know they will miss me
i know i will miss them
but as long as i keep in mind
one day they will meet me again
at their journey's end
it will all be okay
so you see
this is not goodbye
and it isn't final
this is 'see you later'
this is 'see you around'
i love you all
       "all aboard!"
but the train is leaving
and i must go now
goodbye, you guys
see you again one day soon
but not too soon
we will all be okay
one day you will join me
and then we'll all be the okayest we could have ever been!
i'm looking forward to that day
but for now
the train is leaving
and i must go now