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15 years later
and i still remember the day you left

i wake up crying from dreams on the day of your birth
and lose sleep the day of your death

forever burned into my subconscious calendar

cheers to you
Can you be addicted to a person?
Their smell, touch, sound
Like a tall glass of your own perfect concoction
You lose yourself
Imagination out of control
The temptation of the almost could have been
Forever lost in your sin
You’re up against a wall
Love or lust
Does it matter?
You’ll ride this high all night
Skin on skin
Muscles tensing
Trying to catch a breath
Just for tonight you let it all go
He’s yours, you’re his
You give in
25...
When you were a kid you thought that you would be married by now
Have it all figured out
The career
The home
The car
The kids
Now you're here and *******...
Do we ever really figure it out?
Adulting is hard
Your Facebook feed is filling up with engagements and baby announcements
but your reading the newsfeed in the liquor isle of Safeway
Beer or wine tonight? Hmm maybe *****?
"Psh who wants to be a boring married couple"
That's what you think to yourself
Trying to convince yourself that it's okay
Drown out that little voice in your head saying "you're gonna be alone forever"
It's like walking on a tightrope
One side you have it together and the other side you still might as well be that 21 year old college student ordering shots at the bar
If someone has this figured out- hit a homie up
Until then, I'm just doing me and I guess I'm doing fine
Dear Dad,
Are you proud of me?
This wandering lost soul
Too afraid to let go
I search for you
I see your face as people walk by on the streets
All these pieces of you left
And no instructions to follow
I worry that I’m like you
Not just the good but the bad
The monster that I know you were
And the wonderful dad that I had
Sometimes I sit up at night
I scream and cry up at you
How can you hate a ghost?
I don’t know how but I do
The web of lies that you spun
You left us here to undo
How could someone I love so much
Be this ****** up person I’ve come to know
Then leave us here
No last words of wisdom
No letters of truth
You left me broken and confused
A shell of a person
A lost little girl clinging onto a life she was promised
But never received
I hate that despite all that
I would give anything to have you back
Just one more minute
A little bit more time
Time that was stolen from us
Before you left I thought superheroes existed
But that all went awry when superman died
So I wander
Maybe in time I’ll be able to accept you
All of you and everything you did
Until then I’ll be angry
A sad little kid
Searching for a truth that is mine
All of me is what is left of you
And all I know is the death of you
They say if you have to ask yourself then the answer is probably "yes"
There's such a fine line between normies and the cursed
Me? I've been on both sides
I can tell you that a heroine addict is an addict
I can tell you some people really are sick
But I still look at myself and just think "?"
My life isn't unmanageable
Sometimes I do drink too much
On occasion I do stupid things I regret in the morning
Mostly though, I'm okay
Then it happens...
A trigger
And I'm suddenly feeling out of control
My life becomes a drunken blur and I can't see clearly anymore
Then just as quickly as it started, it stops
Normie life resumes as if I had never gone away
But is it really stopping if a pattern is appearing?
If I am would I be able to admit it?
Maybe I've convinced myself to logically justify a problem
Maybe...
Or maybe I'm just young doing what young people do
Here I am back at square one again
The internal struggle that is me
You’re broken
Maybe that’s why I hold on so tight
Just hoping that everything will be fine
Maybe we can fix each other
But the only person you can fix is yourself
So we fight
We strike
Lash out
Push when we should have pulled
And we hurt one another
We’re a little bit broken
I’m alright with that
Sometimes I go to call you
I never bring myself to dial
I know you’re smiling somewhere else
And I can’t change what has come to pass

Sometimes I miss you
the laughter we would share
I could tell you my hopes and dreams
and you’d say you would be there

Now you’re just a shadow
and empty place next to me
A wordless wall staring at me

I wish I could reach out
Tell you all about my life
Share the ups and downs
But now you’re gone

And all I can do is make just a small try
A whisper of a sound
Dear Friend, I miss your voice
i miss my best friend too ,i still cant believe he is gone
Do you believe in magic in a young girl’s heart?
Cause I don’t
All the fairies are dead
Never, never land fell apart
Reality set in
And the real world spit me out
So now I sit wondering what life is really about
I used to dance on the stars lit by the moon
I used to imagine fairytale endings as daydreamed in my room
I believed in fairy dust and the idea that you fly
But now I see the bars of reality
And I no longer wish to try
My fairy godmother never came
Or that letter for that wizard school
I can’t turn air into physical things
Or find a love that is so true
These fairy tales are fairy lies
Dressed up nightmares to look like dreams
I know the child inside me sometimes wants to scream
The handsome prince never slayed the dragon
The glass slipper never fit
And so now I dream of fancy cars and thousand dollar dresses
I love you, but I don’t believe you anymore
So many broken truths
False happiness
Smile babe, you’ll make it through

I love you, but I’m tired
So much giving with nothing left to give
Worried sleepless nights
I can’t smile anymore

I hear you, but you don’t hear me
Sorry to say my life went on
I laughed, I screamed, I cried
My voice is just a whisper smothered by your lies

I see you, can you see me?
See the weight of the world on my shoulders
The vast depth in my eyes
Lost to this world

If you give up, can I give up to?
You always fall apart and I get left with the pieces
I don’t break
I’m caged by my own strength

You miss me, but I don’t know who to miss anymore
I can’t remember the last time you were you
Time never stops
I’m angry at a ghost
Most would say there's always something wrong with me
The typical aches and pains
Occasional dramas
That's why it's so crazy, I find
That when I want to scream out the most
I lose the ability to speak
To explain
To reveal the real secrets behind the smile
The epic tragedies masked by mundane inconveniences
Vulnerability
Can I have your attention please!?
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Just something funny
it's crazy how a night cheering in a new year
a time to celebrate the future
has now frozen us in time
will the nightmare ever end?
an endless stream of tragedy
a decreasing feeling of hope
wake me up when it all ends
Time is fickle
Moments we shared become more fleeting
The image of your smile in my head starts to lose its sharpness
The lessons though?
The love we shared?
Those will last me a lifetime
I just wish your lifetime wasn’t so short
Somewhere deep in the darkness lies the truth
The untold story
The sad soul; you
Nowhere to run
This is it
You are awake
Face it
Embrace the pain
The shortness of breath
You are coming alive again
B r e a t h
Memories fade in and out
Love never quite grasped
The moments of what could have been flash each chipping away another piece of you
The fear you will never have another chance
But isn’t that the beauty of life
When you wake up and realize these tears of pain and sorrow
Let in the light
Here we are in the most romantic city in the world
Worlds apart
Try to jump start the heart
We lost the spark
Too cruel to let go
Too afraid to stay
We're over
Backtrack
We can't be over
This life just aint possible without you in it
It's sickly sick
The addiction is quick
Make a wish
Blow it with a kiss
Don't forget wishes are hopeless
Here he comes again though
Run around
Have another go
Love
Hate
Up
Down
It's like ying and yang
Can't have one without the other
That's me and you
The lies spill out better and better
He gets clever
But so are you
And so the tango begins
Who will walk out victorious this time?
Two hearts on the line
Oh **** he's taken mine
Give it back
No
Keep it safe
Would you believe me if i said yes?
This is crazy
Maybe it doesn't have to be
I wanna leave
I aint giving it back
It's hurting
I still aint giving it back
Love too strong to control
Impulsive and irrational
Words we don't mean
Actions we can't take back
Thoughts we never say
Secrets keeping the pain
Hide the scars
Its when fire and ice collide
He cuts, you burn.
Somehow you just lost your turn
Let him go
It’s hard
Take a step forward
You take four steps back
This love is toxic
And so you lie
Inhale the fumes
And die
Wake up
No breaths  
You can't leave
I just left
The sweet surrender of death
Resuscitate  
Change of fate
you can't opt out
It’s you and him
Together as long as the world spins
Entangled in a twisted existence
Neither willing to give in
And when we have this
Nobody wins.
The mind is a cruel place
It stores memories
Riddled with pain
Loss
Sorrow
And every once in awhile it hits you with bliss
Just to keep you going
One more day
One more hour
Don’t give up just yet
Just when you thought the ride was over
There you are upside down
Holding onto yourself
Trying to save you from you
This monster you’ve created and called an angel
Smile
They’re watching
Don’t slip up
They’ll figure you out
Pretty faces fade
What will you do then?
Will you still love you?
Silly girl
Haven’t you been smacked down enough?
Bruises fade
****** memories live on forever
In the dark corners of that dark twisted beautiful mind
Try to run
I dare you
But we all know how this ends
You lose
You always do
Stupid girl, superficial love doesn’t last
Selling your soul for a couple of shots
But oh how wonderful it is to forget
And that is where your story begins
It's dark
The feeling of warm bodies around you
Whispers of excitement hang in the air
Anticipation grows inside of you;
it's only escape through the smile on your face
A soft sound begins
Lights flash on
Your world becomes multicolored
Close your eyes
Let the music breath into you
The crowd around you electric
as you all begin to move
Just small; swaying side to side
Then the beat drops
and you lose yourself to the night
A million little pixels...
that’s all that’s left of **you
Dear Julie,
******* right back
or should I say jules
******* jules
with your stupid dumb name
your no jewel
your smile may sparkle
but your heart is made of coal
you try to hate me with your letters and words
you may even think you do
but you love me
I've got that bad boy edge
and all you've got is that vape
your goofy laugh bursts without warning
i may go deaf if it happens again
dear god please let me go deaf
i wouldn't have to hear your slanted remarks
always trying to cut deep with old memories
but you are the one thats still bleeding
you don't even have a shower to wash it away
i still have you around my finger
writing poems in exchange of a fake reason to come hang out
don't even try to deny it
cuz I'm the ****
and you just stink
Why, why, why do I always lie?
I bite my tongue
I go with the flow
Things don't phase me
But they do
Keep your mind clear
But your body is sick
All those fears you're dealing with
Are coming true
Looks like someone finally beat you
It was going to happen
You couldn't run away from it
Trying to make sense of everything
Can I?... Baby?
Go a little reckless
Maybe sell myself short
Stop holding back from these things
These thoughts
These actions
Go have a drink
Run back down my rabbit hole
Numb
My sweet little home of nothingness
I can't
I'm better than this
Am I really though?... Maybe?
You're lost
Maybe too lost this time
Playing with fire you're gonna get burned
Stupid girl you knew how this story ends
Maybe it'll be better this time
No
Make a choice
Be better
I can't
The darkness is back
Stop lying
It never left
Did it? ... Maybe?
In the end it doesn't matter
Nothing does
Why would it
It's all lies
You call yourself real
A real phony
I guess I'm just lost
I always have been
Never really learned how to love
Always worried about being free
Oh baby girl he's under your skin
So why keep letting him in?
Masochistic girl
I just wanna be okay
You're never gonna be safe
Tell me more lies?... Maybe?
We be trippin’
Dippin’
Slippin’
Into this position
No way out but submission
You can't break me
Can you?... Maybe?
I'll be better
I got my voice back
But at what toll
That dark person isn't about to just let you go
She's back for good
You officially lost yourself
Help me?... Baby?
You know those days
You wake up
Nose stuffed
Groggy as hell
Your body aches all over
And all you can think is
****, I can’t be sick
But you are
Maybe you’ve been working too hard
Maybe it was that guy who sneezed near you on the bus
It’s too late now
Today you accept your mortality
We can’t be superhuman all the time
I know, you try
We all do
So time for a day off
Be a child
Miss your mom
Let yourself be vulnerable
just r e l a x
chill
Most look at being sick as rain cloud on a perfectly sunny day
not me
It’s a day to yourself
To get back in touch with you
Process all these things you burry down to keep going warp speed ahead
So wake up
Embrace the sniffles
Curl up in bed and do you
In the end of it all that’s all who matters anyways
I wanted to die tonight
Death screams louder than promises
I use to dance around the dream of me
Now I drown in the reality
How loud can you scream until it becomes silent
Can anyone hear me?
Sometimes I feel sad. I used to be able to write. I used to be able hold on to that sadness and feel it all the way through. A song. A smell. A memory. Just a way to feel the things that I have forgotten in my infinite state of bliss. My infinite state of lies. I’m lost and wandering inside my own thoughts unsure of where to go. These dark places. These dark corners of my mind they tempt me to be more than what I am and I no longer want to play but these spinning teacups never stop or delay. I can’t jump.  I need a love that makes me feel like I do in all these sad songs or am I wishing upon a forgotten star? Rewatching all these blurry scenes from a tragedy that is my life I wonder why I glorified all these people who were honest in who they pretended to be. A real phoney. So why? Why feel so sad in a life so full?
What happened to us?
When did a real face to face conversation
Turn into a text message
When a phone call is considered showing up for a friend
Instead of driving the few minutes to see them
No one wants to settle down now
Everyone just wants the next best thing
A new love interest instantly at our fingertips
How could we resist?
So we let ourselves become consumed in it
The false sense of community
While never really feeling any real connections
Always obsessed with how we’re seen on a website
Disregarding those in front of us
Self gratification is at an all time high
We fuel it by the millions everyday
For those of you like me
You might feel this disconnect
Maybe you try to change it
But friends don’t understand
That guy you liked already moved on
Not like he really knew you anyways
Always stuck to a screen
You are one of the rare and few
The ones that stand for something real
Someday I hope to see a world where we are freed
But until then...
Just text me.
The game
We all know it so well
Yet say we never play
Playing with fire just to see if we can burn
The things we lose because we almost do but never try
This game we play
The one we believe will grant all the wishes we want
Never thinking of who crafted such a thing
What kind of bet did we make?
How high are the stakes?
Just your heart
No problem
So now we live in a world
No feelings
No actions
Only “likes” and “maybes”
Walls and barriers made to keep everyone at a safe distance
The illusion of closeness
Too afraid to let go
Too afraid to show your true face
They say rejection is a killer
How would we know
We never actually tried
So we’re destined to keep playing
Betting more
Raising the stakes
Continuing this dance between real and fake
Take my hand
A seductive tango leading to nothing
Destruction just a misstep away
Who will twist an ankle first
Tap out
Give up
Break down the walls or climb over
There’s no winners in this game just losers
Until we realize that
Love is dead
All is left are sins
Heartbreak twins
Vulnerability: an invisible choking hand
Suffocating her from telling you everything
The secrets
Those inner workings of why she smiles in the face of chaos
And cries while basking in the sun
How freedom is a constant fleeting feeling
She's addicted to the chase
But she just stares at him
Hoping he'll look into the depths of her eyes
He'll release her from the darkest corners of her soul
And he'll see her
Getting lost in a daydream
What happens when fantasy is better than reality
Just one little thought
One idea
Your mind just takes it and runs
You get that sick stomach feeling
The butterflies
The what ifs
Wouldn’t it be wonderful
But expectations are never met
The story never ends the way you want it to
There you are
Standing in the middle of your own imagination
Just lost
Nowhere to run
You always just run into yourself
This little box you created to keep yourself safe has turned on you
No one to blame but yourself
Your legs start to break
Lungs collapse
Too tired to keep going
But you do
Why?
Keep on chasing this crazy dream that only leads down one road
You know the road
You said time and time again
I’ll never do it
I’ll stop
You never stop
Still that same little girl spinning around in tea cups
Cry for help but no one to hear you
Thwarted again by that **** box
Until one day you found a key
And that key fit into a lock
And so you opened the box
What now?
Ah, isn’t that beauty of it?
Anything you want
Your life as know it gone
Now you’re floating around a box
Zero gravity
Who knows how many year have passed
Time is irrelevant
All you have is time
Time to think
Time to miss those you left behind
Time to regret
Time to wonder
Suddenly, something goes wrong
Crash Landing
Everything goes dark
Ted?
A voice off in the distance
It’s drawing you towards a light
Do you follow it?
It sounds familiar but unfamiliar at the same time
You were alone in the box
Off to explore a new world
The last hope for the planet you called home
But still, the voice echoes again
Wake up
There she is
All wide eyed and scared
You’re in a white room
Strapped to a bed
Scarred and ******
So you did crash?
She starts to talk to you
Her voice still the same but something is wrong
She keeps assuring you
Trying to keep you calm
She can sense your fear
But how?
Your mind is foggy
There’s a feeling hiding in the back of your mind
Scratching to get out
This isn’t real
This...isn’t...real
You look in her eyes
They’re black
She’s not here, she is something…
Something else
The voice is changing
A sinister tone takes over
The white walls start to fade
The truth of your reality sets in
You made contact
The adventure you set to achieve
Success
But as your mind clears you understand
These others
These life forms
We are not their equals but their prey
And this new planet is Earth’s doomsday
This was a prompt on humans encounter life for the first time on a new planet
*******.
You dumb idiot
A double negative on my life
Does that make you a positive?
Someone who was so close to death
How far you’ve come
Staring across the table from me
In your glasses attempting at sophistication
You’ll never be as deep as me
Although I know you’ll try
But I guess that’s why I’m here helping you open up your mind
You really are a *******
A ******* of your own demise
Making choices down crooked roads and dark paths
Someday you’ll free yourself of all your complexities
Someday you’ll see the light
But for now go **** yourself
I enjoy our little fights
It’s like seeing yourself for the first time
Naked
Free
Innocent
You realize that you know who you are
You can trust yourself
No more doubting your words before speaking
Love sets you free
Freedom is love
You get lost in the fantasy of life
Day dreaming, scheming, believing
Thinking maybe this time you found the right path
This time you’ll make it home
This was written 12-26-2012
No one prepares you for losing your dad
They don't sit you down and explain
All the things he will miss
All the pieces he won't shape
All the questions he can no longer answer

No one tells you how it will change you
or how his absence will creep
Slowly crawl it's way into the cracks
Mold you into this shell
Change the very core of you

Loss is a strange thing
It's something we never have an answer for
Something we struggle to describe
Yet it happens everyday
Every hour
Every minute
All the billions of people in this world
It only takes one to stop time
it’s that tomato soup and hot pockets kind of love
staying up all night talking
laughing so hard you can’t breath
how easy it is with you and me
my person
my one and only ride or die on this planet
that’s some real ****
I love you, you hate me
I'm with him, you're with her
I freak out, you ditch her
I run away, you disappear
I miss you, you miss me
I call you baby, you kiss me
but I’m just too ****** up to love you
and that’s the end of it
They never tell you how to deal when things go right
How to accept that every little thing worked out
To just be happy
When you realize all these things
People
Pain
Struggles
Death
The simple interactions and choices you made
led you here
and that’s okay
Yeah, you’re a little bit broken
Weathered down by the trials of life
Maybe your eyes don’t see through rose colored glasses anymore
Or that person you thought would always be there is gone
At the end of it
You lived
Down to depths of hell and back
You made it through
and came out a little bruised
But all these millions of little things
In this vast world of complexities
All led to this
The final chapter
This is where the storybook ends
You; you found *you
What do you do when “I’m sorry,” is not enough?
The struggle to understand that you can’t always take back words
You can’t take back pain
You can’t rewrite the past
You weren’t you but it doesn’t matter
What’s done is done
I care doesn’t mean the same
So you bite your tongue
Stiffen that upper lip
Turn around
And walk away
We going out
Skin tight dress
Red lipstick
4inch heels
Dj play my favorite song
I wanna forget him tonight

Girls we all do this
Put on the uniform of the night
Make a statement that you’re fine
Single looks good on you, right?
Give the next victim the **** me eyes
Get high off that vibe
Buzzin’ from the liquor  
The memory of his face gets a little hazy
It’s easier to move when you’re numb
Let your body talk
Tell your heart to “shut the **** up”
This is the merry-go-round we never get off
Going from lip-lock to lip-lock
Running from the fire slowly engulfing your skin
Burn marks left in the shape of his fingertips
Up all night trying to escape from the emptiness you call your bed
All it’s got you thinking about how he use to be so tangled up in it
Legs intertwined- two bodies becoming one
Forever reaching newer highs
So now you’re coming down
Just trying to hold on for the night
Pour another drink
Take another shot
Get a little crazy
Find a new ****
Start a new train wreck to add to the chopping block
You always wonder how you end up like this
But never take the time handle your ****
Jumping from one relationship to the next
You’ll never find love like this
Feeling the dude who is just trying to ****
Then turn around and wonder why you have such ****** luck
Maybe it’s time to get it together
Act like someone worth more than this
Forget the dress
Forget the lipstick
Forget the liquor
Feel the pain
and move the **** on

— The End —