Sometimes I feel sad. I used to be able to write. I used to be able hold on to that sadness and feel it all the way through. A song. A smell. A memory. Just a way to feel the things that I have forgotten in my infinite state of bliss. My infinite state of lies. I’m lost and wandering inside my own thoughts unsure of where to go. These dark places. These dark corners of my mind they tempt me to be more than what I am and I no longer want to play but these spinning teacups never stop or delay. I can’t jump. I need a love that makes me feel like I do in all these sad songs or am I wishing upon a forgotten star? Rewatching all these blurry scenes from a tragedy that is my life I wonder why I glorified all these people who were honest in who they pretended to be. A real phoney. So why? Why feel so sad in a life so full?
15 years later
and i still remember the day you left
i wake up crying from dreams on the day of your birth
and lose sleep the day of your death
forever burned into my subconscious calendar
cheers to you
Vulnerability: an invisible choking hand
Suffocating her from telling you everything
Those inner workings of why she smiles in the face of chaos
And cries while basking in the sun
How freedom is a constant fleeting feeling
She's addicted to the chase
But she just stares at him
Hoping he'll look into the depths of her eyes
He'll release her from the darkest corners of her soul
And he'll see her
******* right back
or should I say jules
with your stupid dumb name
your no jewel
your smile may sparkle
but your heart is made of coal
you try to hate me with your letters and words
you may even think you do
but you love me
I've got that bad boy edge
and all you've got is that vape
your goofy laugh bursts without warning
i may go deaf if it happens again
dear god please let me go deaf
i wouldn't have to hear your slanted remarks
always trying to cut deep with old memories
but you are the one thats still bleeding
you don't even have a shower to wash it away
i still have you around my finger
writing poems in exchange of a fake reason to come hang out
don't even try to deny it
cuz I'm the ****
and you just stink
Can I have your attention please!?
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and How to Communicate Poorly 203
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Act Like a Child 301
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Just something funny
They say if you have to ask yourself then the answer is probably "yes"
There's such a fine line between normies and the cursed
Me? I've been on both sides
I can tell you that a heroine addict is an addict
I can tell you some people really are sick
But I still look at myself and just think "?"
My life isn't unmanageable
Sometimes I do drink too much
On occasion I do stupid things I regret in the morning
Mostly though, I'm okay
Then it happens...
And I'm suddenly feeling out of control
My life becomes a drunken blur and I can't see clearly anymore
Then just as quickly as it started, it stops
Normie life resumes as if I had never gone away
But is it really stopping if a pattern is appearing?
If I am would I be able to admit it?
Maybe I've convinced myself to logically justify a problem
Or maybe I'm just young doing what young people do
Here I am back at square one again
The internal struggle that is me
When you were a kid you thought that you would be married by now
Have it all figured out
Now you're here and *******...
Do we ever really figure it out?
Adulting is hard
Your Facebook feed is filling up with engagements and baby announcements
but your reading the newsfeed in the liquor isle of Safeway
Beer or wine tonight? Hmm maybe *****?
"Psh who wants to be a boring married couple"
That's what you think to yourself
Trying to convince yourself that it's okay
Drown out that little voice in your head saying "you're gonna be alone forever"
It's like walking on a tightrope
One side you have it together and the other side you still might as well be that 21 year old college student ordering shots at the bar
If someone has this figured out- hit a homie up
Until then, I'm just doing me and I guess I'm doing fine