How could I have been so close
Yet so far away
The gap in the distance is more intense than I'd actually like to say
It feels like almost yesterday, where the smiles or frowns that came around
Never settling in the crest we call a "face"
It wasn't as fake as it was now
The warmth of your smile turned the mood around
Even if it was disappointing I couldn't help but try a bit harder for the sake of being friends
Cause that's what they do, staying true,
yes true
Not saying I've caught them in a lie
It just feels a little blue, on the other side
I wish I could hold your hand, just to adore
This, space that we once had
It's not the same years later and I know things have changed
Again this isn't a plead for help
Just my old thoughts into an expression
Takes it like the old way of written out confessions
If I had to be convicted Id be in for a long sentence
Like the, I broke a promise and left without saying a word,
Sad how we make it seem like it was the another's fault that we're this way...
Though in the end, it was selfish actions... selfish actions...selfish actions...and self-indulgence
That pushed the gap and broke the space apart
Id like to say sorry as a start in the right way
Though I don't think that would mend the nasty tear that's been every slowly gashing
We've been on the rocks thrashing about in a glass cup smashing with fruit juice and *****
I remember the sweet cheers of that kiss and the hard rocks on the bed
I understand it, I do
I lived in the misery of your happiness that shined through
I wanted to use your opening and vent without considering what your feelings meant
That this was a special event, and I wasn't just getting experience but giving it too
Where sweet words never left the heart
Where promises were meant to last
I formally apologize,
I can't take it away for what has happened
But I'll keep moving forward regardless of forgiveness
I don't expect to walk back into a life that I created so many problems for
And I understand completely if these words cannot pierce through like a sword
It's no point that way

Dear Love,

I know in my heart without a doubt even if I can never find the words to say
You are the one I am crazy about
You are the one I fap for every day
When everything doesn't feel right,
I look at you
My sun, my moon, my morning light
My happiness when all is blue
With you, I am always safe and every day you make my heart race
You're my home, my friend, and saving grace

How I used to see myself

These eyes that shine through the glass
These eyes that water from the smell of grass
Yeah I’m allergic, to the constant cut lawn
But that’s only one of my flaws that has yet to be drawn
As a line, I can only see so far
Yet I can see farther without the lens, how bizarre
I used to think like I was apart of the trend
What society, media, and the news transcend
I would try to pretend that I wasn’t what was depicted
The type of discrimination made most from fiction
I am just a simple person, just like the rest
Well, not entirely simple, but nonetheless
I need glasses so that I don’t have to squint
It makes my life easier yet nerds represent
Those with four eyes, under the guise of friendship he was betrayed
Cause you’re smart others seek that for comfort
I am another person, I left out simple I am unique, not simple, yet I grew up with pimples
So not only do you wear glasses but covered in acne I was actually bullied in middle school because of this
I was called “acne,” to my face by a girl all day, every day, yes I began to hate my face
I hated the feeling it gave me when I looked at the mirror
No way in hell was proactive making it clearer
I hit puberty harder than I knew with a deep voice, squinty eyes that made me look high, and a cratered face, fat build so I floated like the moon
I really hated my figure until I grew
I grew into the body that my thoughts would never know
I acknowledged myself though And that will remain a fact, I learned I needed to love myself first before I could love another
Why? Because to me these eyes that I used to see
Would one day have someone staring back and if I didn’t love myself, how could I expect the other to love me
I see with these eyes today, looking at myself and see things way incredibly differently

I don’t care how others perceive me, From rumors they’ve heard or from the hate that others serve I can care less.

All I know is what’s in front of me now
These eyes that see more than a few steps in front of me I believe that one day I’ll have more, than a dresser drawer as my art space
Something brighter than my own face
Right now I can’t help but smile I smile cause I feel like I’ve walked a long mile
And honestly, I’ll take each day at a time I see with these glasses sometimes a broken frame
And at that point, I normally tape them up
And smile again

I know you're trying to forget
The lonely words we spoke
With no discussion of repercussions
Phrases that clung to our skin
That daring sin that dirtied our souls
Let me clear my throat

I don't know if it's that I regret it
But the memory still lingers
You told me that I was one of the people you wanted to meet the most
Touching lips, fingertips on more than just hips as we rocked the boat
We overwhelmed each other in more ways than one
And you got what you needed

We retreated to our own lives
Our own beds, simple friends
I asked you:
How you felt,
Where we stood,
And you decided to leave me
Feeling assure of your feelings
Now I bare these caring feelings
Alone

What kinda flowers would you like to have?
besides my own tulips, I have
I honestly don't know much about the garden or the seeds
I know not every day is greeted by dandy lions
Or as fertilized in the fruits of its daily labor
No one owes your favor
We're all petal pushers
Waiting to blossom from the buzzin'
Not everyone has the will to stem tall
Some may wilt away; Some may brighten the day
But, I just want to floret
And never look back
Dancing on the breeze like a leaf
Forgetting the roots
What a relief

I've thought of suicide before
breathing my final days; Mi Amor
Holding onto life at its core
to be better than I was before

I've thought about the impact devastation and the react
Those that would come in contact
them thinking thoughts about me
My lifeless body..." yep, there's me"
The visually impaired who didn't see another way
Now others that stare in the same direction
Share the same contacts

Voices of opinions
because everyone's entitled
like the start of an adventure
the deceased cannot change the title
Some still in denial
And others have already crossed the sea,
And life will go on regardless of me.

Gone like summers wind
Hot and steamy till the end
Leaves that were bright now brittle
Shaking trees caught a cold
Leaves fall so trivial

Winters blankets snuggle the ground below
The only sound of slumber I know
The worst time to get sick
The worst time to not have money
The worst time to be alone
The worst time to pretend you're funny
Melted snow covered the beautiful land; Escape

Dancing with the spring breeze on my feet
Hiding the reality that we see but don't speak
We can't comprehend the magic of change
The acceptance of seasons meld and take time
Greeted by the days grin

Is it me, or sometimes when we look up at the sky
It looks like the clouds have been painted
and the blue is just a hue
Just something new and unknown
Something that we see every single day
Even when the clouds are white or gray

Is it just me, or when the sunsets in the sky
The sun is smiling and the gray is turned bright
Is that what sunlight does to the night?
Lifting up heads that welcome the sight
My eyes see a sight which is odd tonight

The skies are blue, a purple view

I didn't think I could've done it
Talk to my love like that
Told her I didn't want to take her back
Force her away and never look at
I have so many photos of her
I have so many memories with her
I've grown so close with her
No moonlight will ever shine brightly as her might
Her lips alone brought a smile to my own
Parting ways this feeling is above me
I will never find someone like that

I will never be loved by someone else
Like she loved me
So true, I beckon the thought as I crouch on my knees
Is this the guilt that's been itching after cold words left my breath?
Over the phone, I couldn't greet her face to face
To see her with blank eyes as I rejected her
To see her break down harder and justify that she would be alone
Even though I was redirecting her
I told her best friend about our situation and we talked for a long time
I was surprised over how much she invested her own time
You see...I only knew from the perspective of what my love told me
So forever alone I didn't know I had company

Always the one to blame
Quick Draw, pointing fingers it may
It was the hardest decision I made
It was incredibly relieving and still so misleading
I didn't think I would ever say the words I said
I didn't think I could ever let her go
But this is the only chance I have to let her grow
If she wants to change this is the turning point
I hope she can forgive me one day I don't know
I know that she hates me
And I need to do the same thing and let it go.

The darkness clouded my head thoughts of sad misery casting a forecast of despair and mercy
I saw her, that night with a pack of many, she explained to me she wanted nothing to do with me
I chose this path and plenty of time escaped the gasp of breathes within me
The reality I sought out for was right beneath me, I refused to see it
I refused to know the feelings of the one I called home
I turned my back on her on my own,
Now I have nothing a black sunken hole, I did that to myself
I chose to take a path by sipping the poison-filled glass
How long will this feeling last? He said eternity

I would rather die, but she takes away the ability
I would rather really die, no lie; Is the fine line with no strings attached?
The pain is buried in my chest...the anxiety layered note shoved inside a bottle
I bottle my feelings every day. No one knows how I really feel...I lie, I cheat, I steal, I envy, I regret so much that I let it take me to the edge
I drowned at the beach and the sea spit me back out, to endure the hot sands, sinking on land is the defeat?
I asked how she was and they said it's a blessing she's feeling the best she can right now
Moved on in a months time why didn't I see her in my right mind
I refused to even budge only relied on resources outside of me
Listening to the voices of others as I lost my main focus

Awaiting in the dark
So dark I cannot see
I am stuck trying to find
My own destiny,
Apparently

They see me from within
My family or friends
Someone who had passed away
Is who have come to see me today
It’s really truly odd

The task is written that’s ahead
I want to see the future but
I should just use my head
I feel the dread,
It’s just beneath my feet

This change is just an opportunity
This chance to seek amends
That shot is full of lead
My kin that had passed away
I know that they are dead

They are gone and yet I’m strung
I’m struggling and it’s immense
The pressure feels intense
I asked to meet up sooner
I wanted to cancel before

I am told by others as they consumer
They take the information it’s highlighted in red
The information is read
The facts that are of feeling
Is a path to route instead

I said I wouldn’t chance it
I’d rather let it pass and
I didn’t want to be like a water faucet
The water is always,
running

I am too nice,
My strongest point makes me the weakest,
Regardless of my height, being too kind is where the peak ends
I don't mean by being respectful is where I've lost the fight
The scraps and bruises come from those beneath my mighty branches, those who keep taking chances
The one I constantly provide for, the one that see my bark as supplies, my shade as protection, my time as what I only provide

And I'm way too nice,
She knows all my secrets, how to pick at my wounds
How to get me to leak information, how to deepen past feuds
With more ammunition that I never planed for because I am not the type to protrude and push someone down when their lost or confused
See there's a big difference between helping someone who actually needs it,
And someone taking advantage of the help you give

It's hard to see the difference,
Like a misspelled word in the dictionary
Is that truth or fiction?
Is is reality or a depiction of what is being preconceived..
Those are thoughts I now think about as the text is being received
Her words and phone calls I can't tell why I feel so relieved
When I speak to her, even if I am being deceived.

At odd ends it’s crazy, seeing how we used to be
I must be the lazy one, always looking out at sea
You see I never ignore the shore, I love to explore the floor call it a tour
I’m not even full of glee, the magic is never as bright as it seems
You’re supposed to be my best friend, yet you’re gone cause of some salt water in your mouth
I want to stop the doubt but I recognize that someone has been influencing lies; Saying we’ve done worse things at one time, that She’ll be fine, and I should let Her go this is a sign
I sigh constantly stressing, I don’t know if this is a trial, a testing, cause right now I have nothing
This is harder than I ever thought it would be, this is the pain in my train of thought
I think about You in more ways than I ought
This isn’t about You though I am just letting off steam but You’re a main factor in this head full of dreams
Broken and bashed in my spirit is trampled, I’m left confused for this was a harmless joke
Am I just a muse for your little gag, at least I came to talk to you after the fact
But the thing that hurts the most is you lied, and I gave the chance yet you denied said you were gonna apologize together despite you’re suppose to be my ride or die?
I don’t know anymore telling the truth, I’m more alone now seeing the route I’m not being used these are my honest computes
In my mind the only solution is quitting this contribution .. it doesn’t feel like you’re the same like you’re not trying
And this is punishment or maybe you’re showing your true fangs, this is just lame and I don’t know why I feel forced to apologize constantly for that security without a gain
My circle is small, and I’m gonna close it, I’ll see your outside with the same face I froze with

I’ve thought about you all day today,
This day is significant, it’s a special day
I made macaroni and cheese..it was my first time
To think I would have gained something more impactful than pasta
To think I’ve lost more than myself these last days
To think I could heal wounds with words and sincerity
I think I think too much.
With shaky hands I adjust the instrument of my addiction
Was it fact or fiction,
I breath in, in, in..
Eyes flutter as the waves of pleasure hits
This feeling probably is a better option than to slit my wrists
To twist my lips and take a sip
To sip my dreams and blow it into life,
You speak what you want into the universe and it’ll provide
You were my drug of choice, I know you’re no good for me
And thought I swear my lips will never touch you again
Here we are, I listen to voicemails hearing your sweet words caress my smoke
I am nothing more, honestly a joke. I claim I helped you when you were in darkness murk
Yet I am the one sloshing away, **** pathetic how I miss what this day means
Regretting everything, I hate this reality I chose for me
Your chemical abandons my brain and I hold my head in my hands
I cry, like a bottle of water splashing onto the floor
The bottle is empty and I am the same
It’s incredible how stupid I am, how I lost so much, and gave so little to the one I loved
I stare up from the bottom of the bottle occasionally, but lately I’m just drifting

Black dirt lays on my hands
The soil that lays there is where I advance
It smells, its manure
I’m the farmer, the one, the grower
I pick a plot
Think of thoughts
Things go by in and out of my mind
I’m stuck to choose where to plant the roots of time
My time cannot be wasted
Like the soil, the dirt, I taste it
I can taste it in my feet
The ground I stand on
Perhaps I’m the plant that my life has cared for
To water, to bring sunlight, that constant care
To talk, to be there, my life to cheer on

I’m but one farmer in this world of carefree
To be or not to be, I cannot please all, so do I become the enemy?
The land of the free, from which I stand all
Planted my roots, and that I’ve prayed on
I was born here, a seed like others that were planted
I grow out of the help of others, I shouldn’t take the help for granted
Though like others I may fall on the granite…pavement, blacktop, and sidewalk
I make my own way;
Things I may say,
The things I may do

I’m not a bad person
You can tell by the view
Well maybe if you trust me
I’m no stranger than you
Overall no matter by my color
A flower is a flower
At least smell it first
Judge after…
No, why judge at all
Get to know instead of pushing away
That’s really all I’ve got to say

Flopping is,
Better than flipping out
over NOTHING.

I don’t know why people think I’m upset
My ex is gonna get married and I am going to school
Financial support is just for fools who don’t understand that our days are numbered in this checkered landscape
Sometimes you might jump over a pond and fall into a lake, but that’s just life learn to swim for another day
Sure I was upset, but was is a pas-tense word
Just like the love I once had. It’s in the past.

Bad points:
Look you're stuck in a ditch
Trying to be rich, yet you pass your paycheck a needy *****
Hitch a ride for me daddy, now look you're a caddy
Dragging her ***** to get to that sweet hole in one
Yeah their not yours anymore, her names tattooed on em
You're like Shenron during these shenanigans
And she hasn't even decided what to wish on
You're an idiot, thinking you only needed space
So you could clear out that bad taste from your mouth but
Here you are wasting your time going back to her place
Here you tarnish your name and become the disgrace
Here you become one with the dirt and own a two face
Because you loved her and wanted everything to work out
Because you're the fighter who always ended up bleeding out
Because you love to suffer, glasses so thick you don't need another
So dumb down the incident and make her innocent
She only tells half-truths anyways and you always take the blame
You always let this happen you molded it until it sprouted
Then you planted the poison of "hey I'm only human, and people can change with patience."
So be patient spreading more positivity in your proximity
And be that person you wannabe, creating an environment with no identity, breathe it in...you're the placebo
No one knows anything from what you know
You've carried her this whole time you're the soil
She dug her roots into so deep she's guiding the way
Let's get to the root of the matter and admit the depression was an oppressive method to get you to stay
The hug of one individual kept anxieties at bay
No need to see a shrink or go to the doctors because you got this bae
Take all the stress and conflict with your interests, you know what just toss it away
No one knows what you've dealt with and that is one hundred
No one needs to know our issues is what she would've wanted
Hell she even told you that during most of the problematic times
You sought for professional help where she offensively confronted
Always conflicted, just chill and Netflix it
People change when they want to, like the butterfly effect
you can't force it
Not even a skewed point of view would let you see the bottomless pit you've been digging
This is the end the bitterness composed with a mixture of bubble tea and gin
Where to begin, Where to even start as an empty shell of imitation
I am the spear it, shaped like a dagger yet light as a feather
Never better held stronger bent together in any weather, I've been flung and tossed around, stuck to any place she plots me
I've taken responsibility for the ******* and kept the front smiling
Ooo, now is that the distance or the disease that hurts more when you sneeze in the spring
Cause you spring to action faster than Alka Seltzer Plus
You worry wart *** stressing out faster than the flash with Godspeed
A panicking strike of lightning written on your face heart beating pace nothing beats a good ache
Seriously you need to take care of yourself for once
This is your standing ovation, make this your motivation
Get yourself the help you need and be truly happy too,
You can't fix the puzzle that has missing pieces
Having faith is something different than believing prejudices
Pass the blessings of a Christ and backlash on others for having a born circumstance
Standing on others and professing you're correct, yet not having any answers to how that you're right
"It's not my place to judge, but please no Muslims."
Double standards in your face a clan raised all by rights (whites)
But it's okay this is the correct faith, tales of the traveling pants
I was told personally that I wasn't there for me so why am I still believing for
Regardless it's my choice and this is a sound of the voice
The tears that choke the noise, the truth that is projected by altar boys
I've been in the crypt the whole time, dug seven feet deep maybe deeper in this chapter of my lifetime
But that not the point and never will be
But still, others will poke and try to solve my jigsaw forcibly
People who claimed to be there closely only judging me holy
For only those who were there will ever know the pain I shared

Good points:
Remember all the good times
You love her you do, you want to be there for her that's true
Pushing past like you usually do, sticking to together like glue
You've worked so hard to see this dude, you really should just see this through
This isn't your first time doing the break for a while
Its always been an uphill battle with cuddles and care
The struggle is rare, you were a duet of passion between the two
There's nothing to fear for she's shared the same tears
And you're just scared a ***** afraid of something new
She said she would change, she's changing for you
You're so sad, wanna rush out of here so bad
So mad that she hit you, she was intoxicated and bit you
But you trippin, sipping that tea so angrily
And you claim it's not that she hit you, left marks on your cheeks,
She said sorry, so forgive her this is a new cycle, let's recycle
And dance like Michael, "Owh!"
You know she is the one who bought your car, gave you wheels to travel, you claim her to be needy but here you are constantly snacking
Took her large sum of gift, told her no but accepted them
And she didn't have to do that, she did it out of love, affection, true connections
You're predicting a conviction where you've yet to have transcended into some kinda fiction labeling them as facts
You need to break from that subscription cause you love her to death and that's something that will always be written on your chest
How dare you tell her you don't love her
How dare you step down to seek comfort
How dare you negate that you can't be there in her most dire needs
I am always constantly worrying, and I took the right approach
I couldn't do anything by myself, it was a boiling point that has evaporated
There was no more water in that ***, I didn't refill it
Where would I be if she never showed it
That first step of love be more heroic, you blew it they know it
Stop turning your back on her you're a poet
Paint a pretty picture and pretend everything is okay
You've done it so long what's stopping you today?

I don’t think anyone takes me seriously when I say I’ve try to commit suicide.
I don’t think anyone would truly be affected if I did.
Sure a lot of sad people and only body dead, gone from the earth, yet spirit rose again.
Noise canceled in my own box, sly sleep now sneaky fox.
Two tails no heads, always at odds lengths.
Drowning in sorrow walked off the ledge.
I’m okay, don’t worry about me.
This is me just venting, I never get sentimental.
I want to get outside my own head, but what’s the point when you’re dead.
Is that too morbid, did I say something horrid?
Then I’m sorry you feel that way,
And here I lay.

There’s no way that my being is defined by clockworks, sure we see time fly by and things come and go
But my being isn’t defined by that amount I know, I refuse to let my time be dictated by the endless tick-tocks
I can decide when to face anything and everything when I want to, and that is not destiny casting a choice at me
Credit is given where credit is due, I have more things I need to do, and so little...
Time? No, I have so much time and so little freedom to get it done, I would love to sit and play, and laugh the day away
Although there is a balance that creates an income, of questions and I don’t have answers until I am presented
self-control: guilt, ignorance: awareness, doubt: confidence,

[I am going to make a lot of changes, sorry if you get left behind in the storm. The ocean is a provider, and I realized I haven’t been left out to drown...but to learn to swim on my own. I forgive everyone who has recently done things to me and made me feel a certain way. I forgive you but won’t forget.]

I am here on this earth, created by God.
I am here to live a life that isn’t just guided by Jesus, but to enjoy the gift given to all
I am here to make mistakes, sometimes I’ll fall,
I am a man and will provide and stand up, and be tall,
I am fighting so much because what I want isn’t mine,
I am going to get it soon, I image it daily
I am visualizing the day you might find me
Nowhere close to the past behind me
I am a being with so much potential
And will always be riding the flow of the ocean as far as she’ll take me.

There are days where triggers are around every corner,
They lurk in shadows where darkness spills heavy breaths and tight chests...
Anxiety is a devasting thing...
No matter how many times you're told to "Breathe," it feels as though you're being reamed by the neck
So short of air and despite every logical reason to remain calm the feelings isn't the reality we all know that, but
You feel like a ship without a sail in the middle of a raging storm,
Torn down of all available help...
That help that could be to go to a friend and shout
Contradictions stare at us and you begin to question what it was or why
You tried to reach out for a hand when it's easier to cut those laces with those most important in places within you
It's easier to deal with it alone
And run away from the other facts, that they would help you if they only know//though shouldn't they know by the way I'm acting?

That's the lie within the lie
No one knows why we cry
Unless we open up from the inside
And let others see with their own eyes

No one knows unless we tell em'
Shouldn't expect them to know it
Or assume that we need help, in the best of light, no shadow would've cast down on your sight
You see what they cannot
And this begins the second thought...
Like a paperweight of all worries
Shouldn't you touch that page and turn it
It's easier said than done which is why so many close the book and refuse to write any more
What a bore, chore, snore
Let the pour of depression take it some more
You want help and the words escape your voice, lost in the void we call space
Can't make what's not there possible...
Giving up is that one obstacle that is inviting

But why, no not why
That's the lie within a lie
No one knows why we want to fly
Force those wings from the inside
And let others see you...the real you
With their own eyes

Working diligently, bidding against the patience
my eternal consciousness: screaming, fearing, the beginning?
I am worried more so I am frightened
no, I am terrified and my sensory is being heightened
Why, why am I so tense

Butterflies

This is something I'm going to have to get use to
Our memories fill up the shot glass so fast
I have to take two hits to clear the zone
Just to feel normal like I use to be
I don't want the taste to make a fool of me
But I'll still swallow the pain fluently
the bartender blended the drink "This is life when you're alone"

What's left to give when I gave you my all?
Why did I feel the need to crawl? To get on my hands and knees
When my best friend is the wall. I beg and plead
Cradling me from behind. As I reassure myself from the inside
I want to wander off to sea and drown in my sorrow. I want to die
Mix emotions come to me and collide on the side of
Why did I choose to hide...

Always running away from my problems is this the same guilt
I'm swinging carelessly in the ring, can't even strike or hold the hilt
I'm the pinball machine, motioning the tilt
Can I get an edge around this anxiety
Is there no other variety
I'm just sitting there silently sorting out my sanity
What even is reality?