Waiting on the fog to lift, the smoke to clear
Fighting off the fear
Of what will be revealed
Of what fate and the universe has sealed
Waiting to see how the deck is stacked
What part of me will soon be attacked

Will it be my head again
That gray matter is already in a spin
Will it be my heart
Although I can't find a piece, a part
Will it be my flesh
With all of it's scars, no space is unused, or freash
Or will it be my spirit
Does it not already know that's broken too, I hear it

So universe go ahead, go to it
I'll be here waiting for more of your ****
I won't give you the pleasure of knocking me down
I'll already be lying on the ground
I won't hide, I'll be easy to find
My death certificate already signed
Me and the Grim Reaper will be having tea
My white flag is already raised, so let be what's gonna be

Let me fall
Let me hit the wall
It doesn't matter
Let me splatter
Let me sink
Below the brink
Don't hold me so
Just let me go
Memories in my head
Are ****** and dead
Shadows they cast
Are shards of glass
Release me
Can't you see
The oily stain
All the pain
I just lay and drool
Please don't be cruel
Let me end this war
I don't want to fight anymore

I'm gonna lie my tired *** down
You can look but I won't be found

Gonna go to the tallest mountain, tell the world goodbye
Gonna see if I can fly

Take my sharpest knife, let the darkness flow
See what is really in charge of the show

Going into the woods and take my medication
Administer my own sedation

So done with a life deprived
I'm ready to arrive

You can look but I won't be found
I'm gonna lie my tired *** down

I live my life in dog years
And I'm afraid the end it nears
For every year of man, I suffered enough for seven
And I fear there is no way I'm going to heaven
Dogs are not allowed, for me it's Armageddon

I live my life in dog years
And I'm afraid the end it nears
For every year of man, I suffered enough for seven
And I fear there is no way I'm going to heaven
Dogs are not allowed, for me it's Armageddon

I live my life in dog years
And I'm afraid the end it nears
For every year of man, I suffered enough for seven
And I fear there is no way I'm going to heaven
Dogs are not allowed, for me it's Armageddon

I just want to bail
Out of this life's jail
The whole thing's been a living hell

Plunge into the fire
When I was just a child
Things where so dire

It only grew worse
As the horror filled years I tried to transverse
In all my life's sorrow I am immersed

I want this life to be shortened
For my view is so distorted
My life is so unimportant

Look at all the evil that on my life fell
It can only be used as a cautionary Tale
Of what happens to a life lived in hell

What if dawn never comes
No more bright light from the sun
With no sun the moon won't shine
In the total darkness will you lose your mind

Will you be able to face your fears
When your monsters are closing in and getting near
Or will you keep running trying to out distance them
Feeling like you have been condemned

Or will your turn and face those demons
And find the greater meanings
Will inside yourself you find that gem
Will you find where your darkness stems

Will you be able to restart your spark
And leave in this world your wonderous mark
To show the world your true being
To let the world know you are no longer fleeing

To destroy your mask can be so freeing
To banish the dark with the light thats inside
Because that's what happens when you have nothing left to hide

I'd drive a steak through your heart
But you don't have one
You knew from the start
You was only gonna play with me for fun
You said all the right words
Preformed all the right rituals
Around the edges you left it blurred
To me, you would become habitual
Like a cobra you left me hypnotized
With your hips swaying to the dance
The piercing gaze of your eyes
You knew I never had a chance
To you I was just a toy
Something to play with when you was bored
Something to fill the void
On your shelf you kept me stored
But I fell off your shelf and shattered
So you swept me to the side
After all to you I didn't really matter
You have left me cold and chide
Your useless toy tossed to the side

Just go the **** away
I don't want to hear what you have to say
Your words cut like a jagged knife
All you your sweet tinged words **** out my life
Go ahead and take a bite
Devour my soul till I'm out of sight
Break my spirit
I use to fear it
But now I don't
Leave me in the dark to *****
I was just a clown
You kicked me to the ground
A heart turned around
Desperation the only sound
Just ******* go away
Because I hate you even more today

Treat me like a rabid hound
Take that gun and shoot me down
Better yet just hand me a knife
And I'll cut myself right out of this life
I'm tired and I've been ground down
There's hardly any of me to be found
What's the use to fight this fight
It's only dark there is no light
If only Someone would take my hand
That feeling would be oh so grand
But any one that's tried
Can't stand the tears I cried
I just want Someone that can understand
**** it I want a real man
That can see past the agony and scars
That makes me look so marred
Even tho my heart is broken
The pieces of it still are golden

Treat me like a rabid hound
Take that gun and shoot me down
Better yet just hand me a knife
And I'll cut myself right out of this life
I'm tired and I've been ground down
There's hardly any of me to be found
What's the use to fight this fight
It's only dark there is no light
If only Someone would take my hand
That feeling would be oh so grand
But any one that's tried
Can't stand the tears I cried
I just want Someone that can understand
**** it I want a real man
That can see past the agony and scars
That makes me look so marred
Even tho my heart is broken
The pieces of it still are golden

With all this stress I'm starting to crack
You'll find me here like a turtle on my back
I can't get up, even though I try
But like that turtle I'll just stay here and die

I don't need sympathy, I don't need pitty
I need some answer that are witty
This darkness is about the here and now
Problems seem to stalk and prowl
I don't know what to do
But to continue on till the day is through
But every day new problems arise
I lift my eyes up to the sky
I want to stand infront of God's throne
Whisper I know I'm nothing but a dog, but could you throw me a bone
Instead of releasing the hounds of hell
That come and munch on my fragile shell
I march through the day like a war weary soldier
Constantly looking over my shoulder
As new problems hunt me down
Throw me into the water watch me drown
To tired to fight the current
But here I am all burnt
Thrown into the fire once again
My soul will never mend
God please today look kindly on me
I've tried to look into the light to see
But it's to dim
I feel myself slipping and giving in

The unwanted the unwashed
Shoved off of life's course
Kicked into the gutter
With the rest of humanity's clutter
Left here to suffer
Against the sorrow there is no buffer

We just lie and languish
In our misery and anguish
If you look you could see
There is enough of us to fill the sea

But people only want happiness and glee
What was created in us, would never let this be
We've been used and abused
So mentally bruised

We where plucked in our prime
When everything in our life rhymed
We where plucked from our vine
But not to be polished and shined

Only to be thrown down
To be stomped on and ground
We lie and ferment
Never to rise to what we where ment

Then like Dr. Frankenstein they are scared of their own creations
When they come to the realization

The monster's that stalk their nights
That invades their dreams when they close their eye's tight
That make them bar their doors and hide out of sight
Are the monsters they have made, ..... And it's only right

Like humpty dumpty I sat on my wall
I'm not the same after that first fall
They patched me together and placed my back
Only to repeat it crack after crack
They kept putting me back on that ledge
All the king's men made me a pledge
They wouldn't let me fall they would catch me instead
But I think they really wanted me dead
Till my kinght in shing armour so noble and honest
Made me the greatest of all promise
He'd be there to protect me even from myself
He would never let me fall from that very high shelf
He would protect me from all that would harm
Now if I fall it will be into his arms

Just leave me to live in this garbage
Because I've already been discarded
Like Oscar in his can
I'll be a grouch, a *****, for look at where I stand
Society has counted me unworthy
Has proclaimed I'm gritty, and I'm *****
So I'll climb to the top of this pile of trash
I'll scream out the truth, let them all thrash
For only those in the dark can see the true light
Only the broken know the true wrong from the right
In the midest of the fight is where we grow strong
So we can pull others like us along
For those not ruled by this worlds cash
Will ever be harmed by the stock markets crash
I know the worth of my fellow human
And when the world, by greed lies in ruins
We will climb out of the darkness where you've chased us
And in societies face, truth we will ******
For the darkness of man we know all to well
"For the meek will inherit the world" and love and light will prevail

Just leave me to live in this garbage
Because I've already been discarded
Like Oscar in his can
I'll be a grouch, a *****, for look at where I stand
Society has counted me unworthy
Has proclaimed I'm gritty, and I'm *****
So I'll climb to the top of this pile of trash
I'll scream out the truth, let them all thrash
For only those in the dark can see the true light
Only the broken know the true wrong from the right
In the midest of the fight is where we grow strong
So we can pull others like us along
For those not ruled by this worlds cash
Will ever be harmed by the stock markets crash
I know the worth of my fellow human
And when the world, by greed lies in ruin
We will climb out of the darkness where you've chased us
And in societies face, truth we will ******
For the darkness of man we know all to well
"For the meek will inherit the world" and love and light will prevail

Good intentions lay around us like unopened books
We thought we might, but we never even took a look
We thought we might, but our actions where null
We just stayed in our lull

Our intentions where grand
But we never took that stand
We know we failed
We are on that paved road sraight to hell

Good intentions lay around us like unopened books
We thought we might, but we never even took a look
We thought we might, but our actions where null
We just stayed in our lull

Our intentions where grand
But we never took that stand
We know we failed
We are on that paved road sraight to hell

I hear you there outside my walls
I hear your hiss, I hear your growls
I hear the distance mournful calls
Like the haunting hoot of the owls
I seen the darkest angels fall
For pain that has no words, the wolf only howls

On this very darkest night
When the eye in the sky has become blind
Your shadow darts in and out of my sight
Slowly, methodical you nibble at the fringes of my mind
My eyes dance with fright like the candle's light
This feeling if terror is unfeigned

I can feel your scales slowly scrap against my siding
Your hollow glowing eyes peering in my window
In my inky room scarcely breathing, hiding
For I had seen you that cold day in August devour my Hero
Your continuously morphing shapes is Terrifying
Stuck here between death and living, is truly limbo

The crisp fall leaves rustle as you pace
My Hero now gone, in sorrow I'm swept away
You made sure I'd be all alone in this unholy place
I'll dwell in your clutch of sorrow and darkness, till my last day
With certainty I know the last thing in life I'll see is your face
For eyes that once sparkled, once danced, now dead, clouded gray

Lips so red
Looks like they've bleed
For the lies you've spread

Eyes so blue
They're soulless too
Your blackness grew

Your arms entrap
Ensnare, react
I'm imprisoned, snapped

Your heart is hollow
In evil you waller
You make me scream and holler

Out of control
Out for my soul
My heart you stole

Lips so red
Looks like they've bled
For the lies you've spread

Eyes so blue
They're soulless too
Your blackness grew

Your arms entrap
Ensnare, react
I'm imprisoned, snapped

Your heart is hollow
In evil you waller
You make me scream and holler

Out of control
Out for my soul
My heart you stole

The liquor  has taken over
I don't ever want to be sober
The view from this side is not the same
On this side everything looks sane
It takes a twisted view, to accepte this life
To have the strength to endure the strife
Just leave me on the steps of intoxication
It's the only way I can deal with my situation

The liquor has taken over
I don't ever want to be sober
The view from this side is not the same
On this side everything looks sane
It takes a twisted view, to accepte this life
To have the strength to endure the strife
Just leave me on the steps of intoxication
It's the only way I can deal with my situation

Little bird little bird why do you sit there
in the middle of the road without even a care
did the other little birdies give you a dare
I'm afraid you haven't a prayer
You just set and you stare
So totally unaware
That you'll soon be a splat
Where your body once sat.

There was a little girl that lived in a tree
She climbed up there so no one could see
She climbed up there so she could just be

She stayed up there so long she got leaves in her hair
She stayed up there so long she no longer cared

She didn't care about the mother missing her child
She didn't care about anything after awail

She was content up there in the sky
She was content up there and no one knew why

How long she stayed up there nobody knew
How long she stayed up there her feet like roots grew

She had stayed so long now she hadn't a choice
She had stayed so long now she no longer had a voice

Don't go looking for her she's no longer there
Don't go looking for her she no longer cares

She had become part of the tree
She had become part of it and no one could see
She had become part of it and now she could just be

That little girl up in the tree, use to be me

There was a little girl plunged into the dark
The future for her was very stark
She never knew unconditional love
For her it was always push and shove
It was no surprise
She picked a man that was good with lies
With that choice her darkness increased
Beaten and caged, no release
She finally broke lose with young intow
Everything seemed so out of control


She finished raising her brood
All alone she stood
Protecting them from all the men
And all their sin
Or so she thought, but evil raised it's head from within
Her mom had married a bad man again
And step grandpa got her child
Her only son, that ******* *******

The drarkness has never left her side
Her heart grew chide
And there still is not a day she hasn't cried

Of course she's had day's of beauty and laughter
Those day's had to be chased after
These days are quite frail
And easily derailed
They are seen through the vail
That comes in diffrent shades of gray
But you see it never goes away

And days like today it's dark as a moon less night
Even with the sun shining bright
One small act could turn this around
But cruelty is still all she's found
So even with most of her life lived
She still in her room can be found..... hid
With shades pulled tight
To let in no light
For the dark is all she's known
So now the dark she calls home

There was a little girl plunged into the dark
The future for her was very stark
She never knew unconditional love
For her it was always push and shove
It was no surprise
She picked a man that was good with lies
With that choice her darkness increased
Beaten and caged, no release
She finally broke lose with young intow
Everything seemed so out of control


She finished raising her brood
All alone she stood
Protecting them from all the men
And all their sin
Or so she thought, but evil raised it's head from within
Her mom had married a bad man again
And step grandpa got her child
Her only son, that ******* *******

The drarkness has never left her side
Her heart grew chide
And there still is not a day she hasn't cried

Of course she's had day's of beauty and laughter
Those day's had to be chased after
These days are quite frail
And easily derailed
They are seen through the vail
That comes in diffrent shades of gray
But you see it never goes away

And days like today it's dark as a moon less night
Even with the sun shining bright
One small act could turn this around
But cruelty is still all she's found
So even with most of her life lived
She still in her room can be found..... hid
With shades pulled tight
To let in no light
For the dark is all she's known
So now the dark she calls home

Please little pill
Help me not to feel
**** it where it starts
Right there in the heart
As sorrow gathers up and multiplies
Tears trickling, gone is my disguise
Please dear pill rush to my side
Let you chemicals be applied

Awww, feeling no pain
As the drugs tickles my brain
Maybe I'll live through today
But as for tomorrow who's to say

©Pauline Russell

Tears like rain, on her cheeks is found
They are always there, falling down

The sorrow is etched in lines on her face
Still she carries herself with beauty and grace

She's always there when someone is in need
Happy to help with every deed

Yet there she sits all alone
Not even a place to call her own

There's no hero for her to call
She feels like a little rag doll

Kicked to the side
A downward slide

cobwebs of memories are forming in her mind
Twisted and contorted she is now misaligned

She's coming undone, seams ripping apart
If only someone would give her their heart


©Pauline Russell

Tears like rain, on her cheeks is found
They are always there, falling down

The sorrow is etched in lines on her face
Still she carries herself with beauty and grace

She's always there when someone is in need
Happy to help with every deed

Yet there she sits all alone
Not even a place to call her own

There's no hero for her to call
She feels like a little rag doll

Kicked to the side
A downward slide

cobwebs of memories are forming in her mind
Twisted and contorted she is now misaligned

She's coming undone, seams ripping apart
If only someone would give her their heart


©Pauline Russell

My living corpse walked on
Walking in the perpetual dawn
Of all the things that have gone wrong
This is the wish that I will sound
I hope my body's never found
And I just melt back into the ground

And my living corpse walked on
Walking in the perpetual dawn
Of all the things that have gone wrong
This is the wish that I will sound
I hope my body's never found
And I just melt back into the ground

And my living corpse walked on
Walking in the perpetual dawn
Of all the things that have gone wrong
This is the wish that I will sound
I hope my body's never found
And I just melt back into the ground

You are a living lie and your vile words you spew
Thinking all your lies will surely save you
But don't think you can use your deceit on me
For I can see the truth and it can set you free

Some live their live in misery
Always brought to bended knee
Some live their live in luxury
Never being hungry
Some live their lives in denial
Looking back all the wail
Some live their live in regret
Knowing they haven't met their fate yet
Some live their lives in happiness
Knowing joys sweet kiss
Some live their lives in pain
Looking for a higher power to blame
Some live there lives in insanity
Knowing of mans inhumanity
Some live their lives in loneliness
Sorrowful of what they missed
All of us live our lives the best we can
For we all walk our own road trying just to stand

What if dawn never comes
No more bright light from the sun
With no sun the moon won't shine
In the total darkness will you lose your mind

Will you be able to face your fears
When your monsters are closing in and getting near
Or will you keep running trying to out distance them
Feeling like you have been condemned

Or will your turn and face those demons
And find the greater meanings
Will inside yourself you find that gem
Will you find where your darkness stems

Will you be able to restart your spark
And leave in this world your wonderous mark
To show the world your true being
To let the world know you are no longer fleeing

To destroy the your mask can be to freeing
To banish the dark with the light thats inside
Because that's what happens when you have nothing left to hide

Saturday night
My monster came out to fight
I'm sorry it gave you such a fright

But when the liquor flows in
My monster tells all my sins
Please let me have a do over once again

I'll keep my closest locked up tight
I won't subject you again to that sight
I know it wasn't right

I know we are a casual thing
My pain I didn't need to bring
You didn't need to see my clipped wings

I'll take passion over emptiness
I'm just looking for a glimpse of happiness
So from you I'll hide all my craziness
I'll just be your temptress
A casual thing, that still lives in the darkness

I once seen an eagle it's beautiful body gracing the sky
      "Who stood beside you to see it"
Just me, myself, and I

Once while fishing I caught a 15 pound bass on a a fishing fly
      "Who helped you pull it in"
Just me, myself, and I

I cooked up that fish,the most delicious fishfry
      "Who was there to help you eat it"
Just me, myself, and I

On a rainy day one side of the road was wet the other side was dry
      "Who was there with you for this phenomenon"
Just me, myself, and I

Once I was playing darts, I made a perfect bullseye
      "Who was there to witness such a feat"
Just me, myself, and I

While sitting on a bench one day, on my finger landed a most beautifully colored butterfly
      "Who was sitting next to you"
Just me, myself, and I

I've seen the dawns sun light up the sky with tints of yellows and reds, it truly did mystify
      "Who got to see this graceful view with you"
Just me, myself,  and I

At night I lay my body down, plunge my face into my pillow and cry
      "Who is laying right beside you hold you tight"
Just me, myself, and I

One day I will breathe my last breath and die
      "Who will carry the memories of your life"
Why no one but me, myself, and I

That day in the cold earthen tomb I will lie
      "Who will be there grieving at you graveside"
Why no one, for that coffin will contain me, myself, and I

Sitting in her empty room she took another long drink from the bottle of whisky
She knew drinking alone for her was quit risky
But she was far beyond caring, far beyond giving a ****
She thinks back on her life, she could see it was all a sham
No one looking in could see
Her life lay among the debris
Of what should of been but as time had showed would never be
Pure agony in diffrent degrees

She looks around her room in the closest hung her clothes
Most of them for work, thats the only place she goes
The stereo on a table
The music is her escape when she is able
In the corner the tv
She stares at but what's playing she rarely sees
Her big comfy bed with lots of pillows
Where alone she cries and bellows

Yes at a quick glance it all looks normal, but take a closer look
It's easy to see like all the stacks of books
On the walls nothing hangs
They are blank, there plain
No posters, not one pictures, no happy memories to look back on
Yes look close enough you can see something is all wrong

She's finally had enough liquid courage
To finally end all her troubles and worries
She goes to her closest reaches up on the top shelf
Takes down her revolver and clutches it to herself

With shaking hands she retrieves the bullets from the dresser drawer
Every inch of the barrel her fingers explore
She loads one bullet into the camber, clicks it back and spins it
She's going to let the Gods and fate decide if she is fit

She raises the cold unfeeling gun to her temple
Her hand is now steed not even a tremble
Very slowly she pulls the trigger
Stopping she didn't even consider

No one heard the boom
That resounded inside that lonely room
Over was all of her agonizing delirium
She didn't feel any pain as that bullet tore through her cranium
Her walls are no longer pitifully plain
They are now beautifully painted with her blood and her brain

Sitting in her empty room she took another long drink from the bottle of whisky
She knew drinking alone for her was quit risky
But she was far beyond caring, far beyond giving a ****
She thinks back on her life, she could see it was all a sham
No one looking in could see
Her life lay among the debris
Of what should of been but as time had showed would never be
Pure agony in diffrent degrees

She looks around her room in the closest hung her clothes
Most of them for work, thats the only place she goes
The stereo on a table
The music is her escape when she is able
In the corner the tv
She stares at but what's playing she rarely sees
Her big comfy bed with lots of pillows
Where alone she cries and bellows

Yes at a quick glance it all looks normal, but take a closer look
It's easy to see like all the stacks of books
On the walls nothing hangs
They are blank, there plain
No posters, not one pictures, no happy memories to look back on
Yes look close enough you can see something is all wrong

She's finally had enough liquid courage
To finally end all her troubles and worries
She goes to her closest reaches up on the top shelf
Takes down her revolver and clutches it to herself

With shaking hands she retrieves the bullets from the dresser drawer
Every inch of the barrel her fingers explore
She loads one bullet into the camber, clicks it back and spins it
She's going to let the Gods and fate decide if she is fit

She raises the cold unfeeling gun to her temple
Her hand is now steed not even a tremble
Very slowly she pulls the trigger
Stopping she didn't even consider

No one heard the boom
That resounded inside that lonely room
Over was all of her agonizing delirium
She didn't feel any pain as that bullet tore through her cranium
Her walls are no longer pitifully plain
They are now beautifully painted with her blood and her brain

hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliop -hobqia

Words made him feel like the weeds of ambrosia
Sneezing and hacking, words could make his eye's tear like ammonia

The memory of what he did brought even more memories to mind
Slow at first but picking up speed, it's all starting to unwind
I don't want to look, I don't want to find
But when I close my eyes there they are right behind

It's been almost a year, but all these thoughts have come rushing in
Because it is mushroom season again
The woods I would have to go within
I always loved to romp about out there,but now thoughts twist and bend
Losing my sanctuary was the greatest sin

Dragging me out to my beautiful wood, so I could be his prey
The feel of the freash damp earth under foot, birds chirping in the trees, I will remember it ALL till my dying day

My hands tied behind my back, it would be easier for him that way
He pushed me to my knees, invading me from behind just like my step daddy did so a ****** I'd stay
He knew it would bring back those memories of my yesterday's

With that veil evil deed, so many things got lost
My woods, singing birds, the river's bend, what a cost
No more fishing, no more camping, no place to take off my disguise
No sanctuary to run to, all of this I'm starting to realize

He was an intelligently crazy
He was destroy the last place that was my safety
He was taking my last bit of joy I could get
He was very cunning in that, I'll have to admit

He found away to continue to bring me agony
After all these years he couldn't just let me be
He made my tormented life worse by many degrees
So now standing at the edge of the woods I freeze

He took my place
To feel warm and safe
New and catastrophic agony is now a cold fire inside
There is no place to hide
It's left me fighting hard not to end it all and die

She left on that deserted highway
Running at top speed
She didn't stop for days
She wanted to stop the bled
Took a few left turns
She found herself lost
She had watched it all burn
Her soul paid the cost
She never wanted to be found
No human contract, none at all
Voices in her mind, the only sound
The wildness in her called
Don't try to follow
She won't let you find her
She'd taken all she could shallow
She's disappeared into herself, she's no amateur

She left on that Desert highway
Running at top speed
She didn't stop for days
She wanted to end the bleed

Took a few left turns
She found herself lost
She had watched it all burn
Her soul had paid the cost

Her wildness enthralling
As in darkness she was drown
Storms of memories falling
Screaming silence the sound

Do not try to follow
Disappearing into herself, leaving only a blur
She'd taken all she could swallow 
With this life she  never did concur

©Pauline Russell

I've felt it coming on for days
That ******* Dog is on his way
Nothing I did made his course sway

Why can't he just slumber
But deep in his throat I heard that rumble
I know I'm going to take a tumble

On the sharp rocks of life I'll be dashed
A bone crunching crash
It'll be fast

He pounced on he this morning
Now I'm in mourning
I seen him coming I had warning

In his big strong jaws he'll rip me apart
He'll devour my soul, my heart
That will only be a start

As he guards my hole
Not letting me go
My agony grows

Little girl lost
Always paying the cost
Look where she was tossed

Pain, hurt, suffering
Misery, torment, anguish
Despondency, woe

Crisp Fall walks, skipping stones
It's the small pleasure I want to own
Take my hand, hold my heart
I loved you from the start
It's turned into more than I planned
You got my mind whirling like that fan
That cools us off as our desires rise higher
You in me baby have relit the fire

It had died long ago
But you saw into my soul
Rescued me from the dark
And gave me your heart
Now I am alive in your arms
I can't resist your charms
And those gorgeous blue eyes
They color my skys
A bright brilliant hue
No longer storms brew
I'm so in love with you!!!

Love is free
It will only cost you...
Everything