Washing my hands
Doing my ***** laundry
On rocks of regret
Wondering
Just what got into me
Crawling under my skin
Without my noticing
Catching me off guard
Unstable and insecure
You are the virus
Overtaking me from every angle
Until my brain is drowning
In thoughts of you
memories replaying on a loop
Wondering just how you got here
And how you’ve planned your escape
Or if you’ve decided to haunt me
Infinitely until I’ve returned to you
But that day will never come
Beaten and bruised
From the saga of our downfall
Unable to return
To the scene of the crime
The one where you mistook me
For some kind of fool
And fed me lies
Until I was choking on proof
Leaving me abandoned
Searching for the truth

Quarter till midnight
And there’s no one around
But the loudness of my thoughts
How did I end up here?
Lost
and without a soul who cares
Insomnia bordering on insanity
You seem to think
You’re the only one hurting
But guess again
The voices are louder now
And you aren’t here to stop me
From wreaking havoc on myself
And destroying every inch
Until there is nothing left
No remnants of the soul who broke you
No pieces to repair of the shattered mind
Nothing but ash
Praying devoutly that someday I will return
The Phoenix risen and renewed
The flames filled with rebirth
The flight guided by hope
That was once believed to be extinct

Pupils dilate
Heart palpitates
As my skin grazes yours
Stomach flutters
With every word you utter
As you come walking through my door
Intentions pure
Both of us floored
Your eyes sincere
With a body so revered
Thoughts so adulterated
Lustful and Saturated
Lips quivering
Goosebumps shivering
As I meticulously trace the lines
Of your collar bone, so divine
Devotion to this desire
Impatient indulgence feeding the fire
Framework consumed
By the pull of the moon
Madly muttering
High pitched stuttering
Hymns of fervor
Neighbors confuse with ****** ******
Raising my hand to your mouth
As I progress further down south
Learning your secrets
You tell me no lies
Never want to leave this
Echo of space and time
Pouring every ounce of my soul
Into watching you unfold
Blossoming effortlessly
Before my very eyes
I become hypnotized
Synchronized
Intoxicated by your scent
Following through with every intent
Injecting your body with no need to repent
Yielding to my advances
Here’s to second chances
This is our moment
So we might as well own it
Bet the bank on each other
Discovering my soulmate
My best friend
My lover

The silence is deafening
Even with all of the background noise
We used to revel in these moments
When a simple look was enough
Now we sit fidgeting
Attempting to dodge
Serious conversations
About the state of us as a whole
Apologies
There will never be enough
To take us back to where we used to be
When trust was second nature
And blind faith was our downfall

I visit my shadows frequently, dipping in and out, through curiosity and in fear, I see myself, drowning in the darkness and I grasp for the lightest parts that I know exist to pull myself out.

It's a wondrous feeling, the ability to walk along the edge, to know what it means to live in both worlds and pretend you have the option to choose in any moment which side the coin is going to land on.

Who am I today? And how long will this last? What triggers the change or am I the trigger, My mind the gun?

Firing off thoughts so rapidly, the shield of my logic has no chance of standing in the way of my reactions. I am blinded by the flash of the sudden explosion and temporarily stunned.

Being the person that tries to "keep it all together" is a cause for major shrapnel when it all blows apart.

Aching to walk around inside your mind
Read your thoughts by candlelight
Accidentally set fire to be the cause
Of sparking your deepest passions
In hopes that you’d find their root in me
That somewhere in the background
I would be the reason behind your words
The underlying theme
The inspiration for your greatest novel
The autobiography of you

Watching you stretch
Your leg extended along the horizon
Always reaching for the sky
Determination so fierce
You inspire me to put my ink to use
Writing effortlessly
About the way your body moves
How your genius creates the steps
Suspended animation
I can’t wrap my head around
Constantly moving
And consistently untouchable

I dive
Icy Waters
Come as a shock
New beginnings
Never Easy
But I'd rather struggle
Than be stagnant
The Joy in starting over.

The sound of my own voice pains me,
repeating in my head constantly.

Telling me what a failure I end up,
at the end of each day,
and closing my eyes never makes it go away.

An obsessive hum,
inside my mind,
Telling me to leave,
And leave everything behind.

To wander aimlessly,
Until the whole world forgets,
I can end the pain and suffering,
Without feeling any regret.

The thought to lash out,
at every single word,
and the reason in me Screaming back,
to remind me that it's absurd.

I've developed an abusive relationship,
Between me myself and I,
Beyond the point of numbness,
Unable to cry.

Feeling beyond feeling,
Can't shake the weight on my chest,
Fearing that I might wake,
As soon as I attempt rest.

They said these moments were fleeting.

The nights that seemed endless are already in the rear view. Heavy lids and sandbag limbs we made it through the days on fumes of caffeine and never ending love for you.

Lately, the middle of the night wake up calls have grown less frequent and I don’t mind them as much anymore, even in the haze of my exhaustion, candle burning at all ends, I relish the moments your tiny hands search my face for comfort, tugging at my hair like your favorite blanket as you slip back into the deepest sleep.

Mumbling incoherently until your sweet voice becomes steady breathing and you snuggle into me.

I know that someday I won’t be able to hold you like this anymore, I hope that you’ll still need me, but the reasons won’t be as simple, and my exhaustion will come from worry about a million other things you need and won’t voice.

That is the future, and I will handle it when it comes, but for now, I will absorb every second of this vulnerable nighttime ritual and try not to get frustrated by my lack of sleep and ever changing routine that is on your schedule.

I will capture every second I can on photo and video so that every so often, when I am ready to break, I can go back and reflect on how quickly this sand is passing through the glass, breathe deep and just enjoy this time with you.

There’s an electricity in your eyes
The kind that compels me
To disregard all consequence
Drifting effortlessly towards you
Hypnotized by your gaze
I watch the smoke rise
From the edge of your vices
Grabbing your hand delicately
Showing you I’m not all talk
We wandered aimlessly
Through the night
High on the tension
Surging between us
A slow build
Into an explosion of epic proportions
Finding the closest corner
Tucked away from the world
Sharing these moments
So close to fantasy
You feel like a dream
As you consume me body and soul

Awake in pain
My body in the midst
Of fight or flight
And I choose to fight
This crippling anxiety
That has caused me to flee
For years I’ve lost count of
Remembering my childhood
Crying incessantly
But never knowing why
My heart would not stop racing
Now I know the truth
But I must state
Awareness never makes this easier
Feeling the panic swell
Gripping my muscles
Frozen
Flooding my brain
With unwelcomed memories
I believed I’d pushed past
Buried in the depths of my mind
Waiting for the moment
When my defenses were lowered
The minute I close my eyes to rest
The second I decided it was time
To shut off for the day
My stress picks up the signal
And shakes me loose
From my restful sleep

Sitting on my stone
In observance of time
Of feelings
Staring at glimpses of souls
Across the highway
On rooftops
Planning futures
Planning endings
A lot can happen in the span of a lunch break
Your soul keeps me company here
Listening to music
Through my oversized headphones
Searching for signs of you
All I get are feelings
But I need something tangible
Something I can hold onto
For longer than a fleeting glimpse
Before I remember you’re gone
Maybe that’s you
but I wish you’d hang
Just a little bit longer

Discretely
Following
Activities posted
Dialing your numbers
Blocking my own
Hanging up
Just after you answer
Long enough
To hear your voice
The memories flood
Of all the times
You’d greet me fondly
Back when you treasured
My existence
This light and energy
Which has dissipated
Since you’ve gone
Lost in the translation
Of goodbyes
The idea
That you never
Want to see me again
Not of any fault of my own
But because you’ve found another
Someone
Who makes you shine
Without trying
As oppose to someone
Who spent every minute
Exhausting options
Trying to make you smile
As I reach your door
I realize
I can’t bring my finger
To your bell
Leaving you content
Hoping someday
You see what I was worth
Call me
Without hanging up
Just to talk
Explain
What went wrong
Find the cure
To the poison that filled us
The one
That caused us to separate
Melting us into nothingness
Leaving me searching
For the pieces
To begin to repair us
Without your help
Or awareness
No permission needed
Because I am convinced
That once you see the big picture
You will come back
And thank me
For all of the effort...

Entombed
In a prison
Of my darkest thoughts
A burial
With no witnesses
No eulogies
No one to miss me
Feeling the dirt fall in my mouth
Shaking from regret
After all
I put myself here
In the process
Pushing away
The ones that tried
to keep me from this end
Broke down their own walls
To reach out to me
I see the vision
Of hands outstretched
Cringing at the thought
That I could have steered away
Avoiding the dismay

In the courtyard
Bare and unkempt
Is where you found me
Lost and without definition

Lighting my cigarette
Staring into my eyes
Taking this chance
I catch a glimpse
of your soul
through the bitter cold

Warming my hands
Individually
In the pockets
of my torn jacket
Fiercely unprepared
for what was to come...

‪Skyline erupts
‪Into a city landscape‬
‪Buildings peak through‬
‪Clouds and fog‬
‪As if they are taking a break‬
‪From their own‬
‪Rigorous work schedule‬
‪To simply say hello‬
‪Reaching heights unknown‬
‪And looking down upon us‬
‪Jealous of our freedom to roam‬

Simple seeds
Turned roots of trees
Built on lies
The most famous
‘Everything is Fine’
Climbing the branches
Escalating the deception
Until there is no way down
No savior around
A prison of invention
Forged by the best intentions
A forest of fabrication
In the spirit of deception

Searching for validation
in all the wrong places
Dark spaces
Appeal to me
Moth
To a twisted flame
Glutton for punishment
Every day
Begins the same way
And by the end of it
I am a fool
Waiting patiently
For the days that never come
Where you can find yourself
Bare enough
To bare your soul to me

All of your one word answers
Fall on deaf ears
I’ve fallen apart
Disconnected
And I’m back at the start
When we would talk for hours
And laugh at all the same parts

Glass box mirror,
she's primping and prepping,
neon lights in a smoky bar,
alluring and unrelenting,
swaying and swarming she is on the hunt, praying she isn't the one being preyed on.

In the dim light of the street lamps
On a warm fall night
We spoke until we were spinning
On the wonder
Of how this hasn’t happened yet
Laughing until our faces hurt
Over everything and nothing at all
Passing back and forth
Stories of past adventures
And perhaps we’ve told them before
But this time seems different
There’s a spark in the air
Or maybe a gentle breeze
Either way we inch closer
Until we’re inches apart
Knowing this can’t happen
But enjoying the drumroll
Remembering
That we’re in the company of others
We sigh secretly
Not here
Not now
But maybe someday

Lost
In this moment
Where our lips touch
And the world falls away
Terrified
For the seconds
Where this ends
And we return
To the world
Released
From this spell
Cast over us
In those minutes of ardor
Consumed by each other
Blinded by the light we create
Ignorant to the circumstances
Uncaring of the consequence
Then the sun rises
And we find ourselves
Alone
Once again
Echoes of the night before
Haunting us
Creating an intense desire
Feeling wicked

Overwhelming heat
Stuck to the linoleum floor
Listening to vinyl
Keeping one eye on the door
Not knowing what will happen next
It was clear to me
That you were not like all the rest
Moving in slowly
As to not scare you away
Subtle stares
Magic sent through pages
Writing each other notes
To ensure this isn’t just another hoax
Pouring out our souls
Discussing the future and our goals
We begin to coast
Vibing endlessly
We lose track of time
And before I know it
I begin to rhyme
Singing of you in every line

You make me want to kick and scream
Because I hate that I love you
and hate you all at the same time
Break the plaster
Shatter the dishes
Destroy the photos
Ensure there is no proof of us here
Because I believe now that love is a lie
A myth to get us all twisted
On reality and illusion
A trick to reel us in
When in truth it is a sin
The amount of destruction
That results from this word
Let’s start from this apartment
Then we’ll investigate the world
Love creates peace
But where does peace exist?
I’ve lost faith and I am petrified
Of what results from this loss of light
I punched a hole through the wall
And saw myself on the other side
A simple reflection
Terrifying when it comes through
Like a mirror
Existing in another dimension

You've always been there,
this idea of something I've always craved,
even in the times when I've tried my hardest not to think of you,
you were always tucked away in the corner of my heart.

Nothing and no one has ever changed that,
no matter what amount of effort they put forth,
you were the bar that I'd set in my mind,
and no one could ever get over that.

I suppose it was fair for them,
to force me to keep my distance from you,
since you are the center of my gravitational pull.

I can't help it,
and as much as I try to fight it at times,
the fact  is I really don't want to.

There's something that feels too right,
when my fingertips are wandering along the edges of you,
when you grab my hands,
or in the rare moments that I get the pleasure of your lips on mine.

Those moments that I get lost in,
the kind you want to hide away in a box,
for sad days when you need something beautiful,
to make the world make sense.

You just make sense to me.

"It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home"

Maybe that's what scares you,
and I get it because sometimes,
it is ******* terrifying to me that every time I leave  you,
I can't shake the idea of you for days at a time.

If at all.

But I've stopped caring,
I'm throwing my hands up to this hopeless cause,
but I'll play the game...

Carefully treading around this like a minefield,
Waiting for the inevitable blast,
The self destruction caused by us finally coming together,
Knowing what is happening and laughing it off in jest,
Because I know what's at stake,
and it's too much to gamble on bad timing.

So I'll stand on the sidelines,
in anticipation of the day,
that your ready to build memories and not just moments,
and enjoying every second I have with you in the meantime.

Because sometimes...
you look at me like I'm the only thing that exists in this world,
and I feel everything else fall away.

And even if the occasions are few and far between,
in my mind this/you will always be worth the wait.

Wandering aimlessly
My soul the only compass
But my mind is lost
As I see the trees begin to frost
I wonder how I got here
Dropped in the middle of calm chaos
Through the forest
You are my light
My muse
No sense in a fight
Your eyes
At the end of this
The only cure
To my hopelessness
See you
See through you
Connection instantaneous
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Because it excites me too much
To see your face
And I’m attached
Feeling attacked
Suffocated
By the world that surrounds me
Outside of these doors
Having me completely floored
Sound of your voice
Left without a choice
But forced to make one
At the barrel of a gun