I named my flowers
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you are made of plastic,
Colorful and fake.

I named my onions
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you had made me weep,
Blinded by the burns.

I named my scissors
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you have torn apart
Endless hearts of paper and people.

I named my coffee
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you held my consciousness
Captive in your hands.

I named my one-night
After you,
After all, there's strong resemblance -
Both of you took what you wanted
Then took off and never looked back.

I named my poems
After you.
After all, there's strong resemblance -
The amount of pain that you both made me go through,
Is just how far
I've grown.

You deserve the earth.
The moon.
The sun.
And all of the stars.
And all of the galaxies.
And all of the entire universe.
It should all be yours, my love.
But all I have to offer, darling,
Is my heart.

Miles upon miles,
Riddled with beds.
Tissues and soft hands,
To wipe my tears.
Piles upon piles,
Of blankets and food.
A nice, big bowl
Of serotonin.

I smile to myself
As sleep caresses your spine.
You fall under, covered in blankets,
Sheltered by thunderous peace.
I want to touch you,
To run my hands through your ebony locks,
To put my palm against your cheek,
And have your warmth
Melt my cold, cold soul,
Until all that's left of me
Is a puddle of liquid light.

You rest soundly,
With the confidence of a thousand lying politicians,
Your subtle grin defying the darkness outside our shelter.
I yearn to crawl between your arms,
To make your very being a haven,
To rest my head on your chest,
And listen to your heart beat,
Loud enough to drown out my troubled mind.

Oh, the effortlessness of it all.
How easily we tangle between the sheets.
How cozy, and breezy, and light we feel
On this cloud of a mattress.

And as minutes pass,
And months,
And years and decades,
Millennia upon Millennia,
Until we are covered by dust, and rust, and ivy,
We will stay here, alone together, in this bed.

I planted a rose
In the corner of my garden
To give me some color
On a gray, rainy day

And each day, at dawn
I would water and **** it
Warding off any other flower
To keep its glory in bloom

Red as blood were its petals
And tender they were
Almost as soft
As the touch of a lover

And it called out to me
And it told me to take it
It didn’t belong in the ground
But in the finest vase

And I looked at it, hesitant
Its words a blur to me
But its color was hypnotic
And I couldn’t resist

And I reached out a hand
And almost immediately
Red droplets flowed
The thorns breaking my skin

Breaking my heart
And my digits hurt
And because of a rose
My reality flipped

I looked at it, panicked,
And I loosened my grip
And it dropped to the ground
Yet my hand remained red

I frantically washed it
Forcing soap in the wounds
And as much as it hurt
I tried to go on

And it lied there, In bloom
Daring to look at me
As if I betrayed it
As if It was bleeding too

It said if I loved it I would have held on
Despite the pain
And the blood
And the tears in my eye

I said that if it loved me
It would have wanted me to bloom
And yet I stood there
Bleeding for it

I only exist
In the words that I write.
I gleefully skip from line to line,
Basking in the glory
Of momentary inspiration.
I slide carefully from key to key,
Drinking in the soft taps of the keyboard,
Manifesting my way
Into the hearts of all people everywhere.
I crave a stage, a crowd, a platform,
A place to immortalize myself,
To form an identity clean of sin,
To raise a new, sanitized, beating heart
From the ashes to the spotlight.
I wish for my name
To sweep the world off its feet,
To be shouted, or whispered,
Or chanted, or cheered.
I desperately want to be someone,
To be known, and loved,
And adapted to the needs of the watcher.
I dream of being consumed, and approved,
And loved, and needed,
So incredibly needed
That I might just allow myself
To exist either way.

I want you
To be rough with me
In the gentlest way.

I want you
To pull me apart
And make me whole.

I want you
To dominate me
As your equal.

I want you
Animalistic
Yet so incredibly human.

That's not romance
In the air, my darling,
Not romance at all

It's the tension,
The fear, the scarring
All waiting to fall.

And if I make one
Wrong step, then I'm done
Your invisible cloak
Hides me well

Meanwhile I'm trying hard
Not to step on the shards
Of my heartbreak.
In that I excel.

Sometimes it's blue,
A stormy sea of emotions
Coming, uninvited,
Into a newly built home,
Crashing the windows,
Filling the rooms,
Leaving me in my bed,
To drown on my own.

Sometimes it's grey,
A dim, colorless sky,
With the clouds standing still,
And the wind barely blowing.
And I am standing there,
With my umbrella,
Waiting for the storm to come,
Staring anxiously at the horizon.

Sometimes it's red,
A disastrous fire,
Tearing down everything in its path,
Burning it to the ground.
And I am paralyzed,
Looking at it come towards me,
With nowhere to go,
With nowhere to run.

Sometimes it's green,
Sturdy vines wrapping
Around my arms and legs,
Taking control of me.
Making me do things
That I would never do.
No matter the cost.
No matter the circumstances.

Sometimes it's yellow,
A hazy desert,
Sand that has piled up for ages,
Forming into dunes.
And there I march,
My feet heavy with desperation,
My throat dry and sore,
Consumed by the sun.

Sometimes it's pink,
An overdose of sugar,
Delighting me, Exciting me,
Then leaving me hollow.
I stand there, blinded,
Not knowing I had one cube too many,
Convinced that I'll smile again,
And the sweetness is soon to return.

Disaster is a spectrum,
One is never like the other.
They all have a different weight.
They all have a different impact.
They all have a different temperature.
They all have a different sound.
They all have one thing in common -
The ache in your chest.

I'm tired of wishful thinking
I'm scared of being close,
And as the world goes by,
I fall asleep and no one knows.

My mind all pins and prickles,
My stomach all in knots,
The marks you left aren't healing,
And you will not leave my thoughts.

There's holes in all my pockets,
And there's hair chopped in the sink,
I'll draw another cigarette,
And down another drink.

I'm tired of being outcast
By everyone I love,
But everyone abandons ship
When push comes to shove.

So I remain, unmoving,
A blanket on my head,
I'll hold my breath and close my eyes,
And wish that I were dead.

With every word you tell me,
My heart burns to a char,
Mistakes were made, And I'm afraid
It's gonna leave a scar.

The streak remains unbroken,
When all is said and done.
Don't tell me that you want me
If tomorrow you'll be gone.

I'm woken up by silence,
I eat, but never much.
My soul is dimming slowly
And my skin yearns for your touch.

And here, I sense a pattern
Of self destructive cues,
How is it that I end up here
No matter what I choose?

Yes, here, I sense a pattern
Now that you're gone from my view,
I can only fall asleep
If I can dream of you.

Random gestures of love
Random gestures of kindness
That light up my day
Like that one time
You said that you loved me
For no particular reason
Unrelated to anything happening
At that moment.

My heart filled with warmth
And a smile found its way
To my pale, usually dull face.
I looked up and said that I loved you as well,
And true happiness bloomed
In my fragile heart
After weeks of drought
After weeks of emptiness.

And my smile was so bright
And I felt so warm
You could have mistaken me
For the sun itself.
And we, sun and moon,
Were the only ones that mattered,
For earth could not affect us.

But then the incident never repeated
And instead of love
I got glares and silence
And your happiness continued
To feed on my own
As your hands continued to take
Every last bit of pleasure
I had to offer.

And as every sun sets,
I sank in the sea
of blue and grey
As I transcended into the mundane routine
Of being lonely when with you
For your arms do not wrap me with warmth
But only
Anger.

The sun and the moon
Live afar.
They complete one another
Yet they do not meet
And when they do
All light drains from the sun
An eclipse.

The world turns,
And I'm this close to caving in,
And it burns my heart
That you're not here.
No concerns,
I'm not tangled in my sins,
I am far away from long ago,
I have no fear.

Clouds go by,
And I am drifting off to sleep.
With a sigh,
Your world will disappear.
Say goodbye,
I'm leaving you forever,
I am far away from long ago,
I have no fear.

When the frost
Started biting my nose,
And the ground
Was finally covered in leaves,
You came.

And for once,
Someone lifted me up -
Not from hell to earth,
But from earth to heaven.

And for once,
No one saved me,
For I didn't need to be saved,
Nor to owe anyone for it.

And for once,
The clouds bloomed,
And I let the rain fall,
And it washed away,
All that went before.

And for once,
The world was kind enough.

They say that insanity
Is doing the same thing
Over and over
Expecting different outcomes.

So what exactly was I thinking
When I tried to kiss your lips
Not a second after they spat lies
Like knives into my heart?

What went through my head
When I tried to hold your hand
Just a minute after it left
A red mark on my cheek?

What did I think I was doing
When I tried to embrace your body
A short moment after it pushed me
Further into the bathroom wall
To muffle my protest?

And why, oh, why do I keep crying
Every time you walk away
When a few glances later
You crawl back to me again?

And by what right do I keep crying
Every time you lie or fail me
If my arms are always open
And I love you all the same?

And by everything I know that’s true
By the last bit of sanity in my mind
I swear this will be the last time

And not because I’ll get up
Or be strong or walk away.

But because you’ve walked all over me
And all over again
I find myself holding on
To something-
someone that’s not there.

And with your next step,
I might just snap and break
And fall apart completely,
Just for your sake.

I was thinking roses,
Maybe lilies,
To lighten up the mood.

I was thinking walnut,
Maybe maple,
For my own box of wood.

I was thinking marble
Maybe Limestone,
To decorate the place.

I was thinking my name,
Maybe a poem,
To carve upon my days.

I was thinking Razors,
Maybe NyQuil,
To make me disappear.

I was thinking your love,
Cannot save me,
If I just won't be here.

I was hoping that you'd understand,
Everything in this world has an end,
And for my ending too,
Celebration is due,
But the only thing
that I left out
is you.

The whiny heart
That's usually on my sleeve
Has gone into hiding.
I keep it in a safe,
Underground,
In the very bottom of my stomach.
It will soon go into witness protection,
After providing insight
In the trial prosecuting my feelings for you.
I keep it safe from you,
From your ignorance, from your insensitivity,
But most of all, from the possibility that
You might just agree with me.
And I will grieve.
And It will hurt.

Candles are put out by wind.
Fires are only strengthened by it.
Candles can light up a room.
Fires can burn it down.

Do I wish to be
A candle or a fire?
It depends on the wind.
It depends on the room.

Rain is on my side today.
It shelters me as I leave the crime scene.
Washing away the pain.
Washing away the infection.
Washing away the hurtful truth.

Sunflowers and ginger tea.
Sweet escapes remain unseen.
Blanket covering my head
Yet my heart is full of dread.

I'll be far away one day.
After all,
It's not my choice to stay.

My mind is racing
In a dream
Drowning
In a shallow stream
Let my words
Eclipse your head
And revive
All that is
Dead.

In an empty land
No king
No chains
No Swords.

Touching Hands
No sleep
No shade
No words.

At the end of the day,
We all fall in line,
Like words in a poem,
We conflict and combine.

We huddle in verses,
We roll and we rhyme,
We shield our true meaning,
To be found out in time.

We hang onto the commas,
Because any day,
The writer could scrap us,
And take us away.

But once in a while,
The ink smears, the lines break,
And before they rewrite us,
We run - for their sake.

If the world was kind enough
To set me free.
If reality pulled me
Out of the debris.
If the chains would sweetly break
And leave my wrists.
Yet the backstory persists.

If my doubtful mind
Could bloom under your reign.
If I could wash off
The darkness in my brain.
If the scars would gracefully
Slide off of my wrists.
And yet, the backstory persists.

If the world was kind enough
To make me tea.
If it would shelter me in blankets
And not flee.
If it would say that I did good,
That I did well.

It would be nice,
If the world was kind enough.

Worried sick on the balcony,
Waiting for your return.
Drowning in my tears,
Longing for comforting words.
Screaming into a pillow,
Needing someone to calm me.
Punching the bed,
Expecting someone to hold me back.
Eyeing a razor,
Wishing for someone to hide it away.
Taking my pills,
Looking for some sympathy.
Hiding in my room,
Anticipating a knock on the door.

As much as I need you,
You'll never see me like this.
I don't want my demons
To become yours.

Hands
Holding on to my fragile heart
And I do not know
If they're trying to tear it out
Or stop it from escaping.

Lips
Calling out; "Come to me"
Calling my name
Giving promises upon promises
Of all the kisses that they offer
Yet they are laced with poison.

Eyes
Staring deep into my soul
Pulling me in with their warmth
And I want to dive
But I have to stop myself
From drowning.

You
Standing there, silent
Behind the glass wall
And you can see me crystal clear
And I am standing, silent, too.

And I am left here, pondering
If to break it
Or to wait.
And I am left here, wondering
If you'll break it
Or you'll break me.

Softly.
Run your fingers across.
Never break the touch.

Gently.
Look into my eyes.
Make yourself welcome.

Slowly.
Grasp it with grace.
Silently dissolve.

Beautifully.
Uncover yourself.
Merging into one.

Will it be any better?
Could it get any worse?
Give me a sign, a mark, a letter,
Faith cannot sink in with force.

Do not lie or fret, just tell me,
Am I being used again?
What’s this power which compels me?
Should I run while I still can?

Then, when you came out of heaven,
When your raised me up from hell,
Glowing eyes, and wings of raven,
Willing to help and to rebel.

Things I think about at night-
How you saved me, gripped me tight,
How my heart just simply sings,
When I’m safe under your wings.

To escape.
To start anew.
To break and mend
My point of view.

To repent.
To leave behind.
To choose, regret,
And change my mind.

To forget.
To let it go.
No ifs, no buts,
Nor maybe sos.

And to grow.
To rise above.
To reflect, and change,
And leave, resolved.

There's not much
Behind your lies.
Layers and layers
Of filth and dirt
Cover a black void.
If I reach in,
I'll drown in it.

There's not much
Behind my kindness.
All I wanted
With all my heart
Was you to be happy.
If you touch me, though,
I'll drown you with my tears.

Two roads,
Both of suffering,
A travel of torment,
An alcoholic buffering,
A mental health descent.

Two roads,
Both amnesiac,
Disasters once foretold,
A twisted aphrodisiac,
A trauma to remold.

Two roads,
And no yellow wood,
The lines are blurred and gray,
And no choice is ever good,
With the forces at play.

Two roads,
And a traveler,
With sanity at stake,
The wrong choice could unravel her,
A choice she's yet to make.

The sacrifice.
The pain.
Endless tears shed for nothing.
Caught between the blankets
In a panic room.

Suicidal, then asleep,
then manic-narssicistic.
Demanding, domineering,
Taking what you want
And chucking it away.

Force is not a virtue,
Nor is it a characteristic.
It's a curse, boy.
One I ought to break.

I adore the crispness of an apple,
Thin, breakable skin
Encasing **** flesh,
Hiding danger in small doses.
Its dewy, red skin,
Could ****** anyone -
From Eve to Snow-White.
A bite and you're done for.
It's a dangerous fruit
To get from a stranger.
A witch in disguise,
An old lady,
Or God.

But you?
You didn't offer me apples.
You offered a single pomegranate,
Hard to crack open,
But hides dozens of nectar-filled seeds.
A single one won't do the trick,
So why not have some?
Just a little.

You?
You opened it,
Wide and inviting,
And watched me get
Addicted to the unsuspected,
To the soft and juicy insides.

You?
You watched me count the seeds,
Almost obsessing over
The delicateness of each one.
Blessing you,
Praising you,
Before biting into one seed,
Or two,
Or a dozen,
Or ten thousand.

And I?
I followed the pomegranate's many, many seeds
Feeding and feasting
Right from your hands.
Finding pleasure in the poison,
Innocently falling captive,
Taking the bait,
As you march me straight to hell.

It was too late when I realized,
Apples are for witches,
Pomegranates are for worse.

I am nothing
I am for your leisure
Feed on all
My friends and features

Raise glass walls
To keep me hidden
And convince me
That I'm smitten

Pity me
And feed me lies
I am only
For your eyes

Slap me and then
Stitch my lips
And say
No one will love me this way.

Give me pills
Give me sadness
Just enough
To was away the madness

All the pretty killers
With degrees
And prescriptions
Tending to my friction

I destroy myself
And contaminate structures
Piecing back
My heartbreak fractures

Lovely ladies
Drinking poisonous wine
They don't know when
To draw the line

And when at last
I'll say I love you so,
I'll never get another chance to grow -
For we reap what we sow.

You'll Take my hand
And lead me far away from here.
I won't understand,
But you're the footsteps that I never hear -
You just disappear.

And the road that we'll walk
Will be lasting for miles,
And your mask will fall off,
Showing me your disguise,
Yet the earth will keep turning,
The fire still burning inside of me -
Until I will not contain it.

I'm sick of the lies.
I'll burn your disguise.
Thrive in your demise.

I used to be able
To see you
Now it's breaking me
From the inside
And I used to be able
To kiss you
And I used to say
Your name with pride
And it used to be
All that mattered
Things were as
Easy as they could be
Now my heart's in your hands
All shattered
Take my blindfold off
And set me
Free.

And then I was alone
A single daisy
In a field of thorns

Standing on my own
Waiting for a saviour
My future unknown

Waiting for the rain
To make me grow
Or wash me away

"An angel,"
I wept,
Seeing through bloodshot eyes,
"My angel!",
I cried with a sigh.

But my love,
In a world
Where humanity bleeds,
Sins do not skip you and I.

We're in no mood
For your poetry
For the big lies
Tucked into neat lines
Like marching soldiers
Trying to conquer us.

We've no patience
For your speeches
Long, dry sentences
Like endless deserts
Trying to tire us out.

We might just leave
And before you notice
You'll be talking
To an empty room.
Almost as empty
As your soul.

I am yours, as you are mine,
Guide me gently, love me do.
State your wish, and I'll comply,
I would fetch the moon for you.

When I look into your eyes,
Every wound I have is soothed,
And my soul is purified.
Every inch of me is true.

We've no sins left to deny,
Everything we have been through.
Every scar our joy and pride,
Hands caressing black and blue.

Give me shelter by your side,
Pull me closer, just us two,
Heart to heart, together, tied,
Weaving ourselves something new.

As I fold my final memory
Of my traumatic, desperate past,
I caress it, somewhat fondly,
Knowing it could never last.

It smells of pain, an awful cluster
Of events that should've been -
'I should have known,'
I whisper, flustered,
'I should have guessed. I should have seen.'

But I digress -
There's people waiting,
People storming through the street,
People talking, screaming, stating,
Hearts to hear and souls to meet.

And I fall into the masses,
Breathing in their soft embrace,
Breaking through the chains and classes,
Smothered by the light of grace.

I give up all vengeful wonders,
I put all my fears to sleep,
Cutting ties with tales of thunders,
Skipping over cuts that weep.

Back then it was oh-so simpler,
I denied the wrongs of man.
Oh, I'd beg, and heal, and whimper,
For a chance to start again.

Sure, take my heart.
Feel around it
For all the soft spots.
It's fragile, isn't it?
Go ahead.
Throw it.
See how wonderfully crisp
It sounds when it shatters.

Perhaps you'd like
To crush my windpipe as well?
They say it's painful,
But my tears are choking me anyway.
Come closer, dear.
Put your hand right here,
And squeeze.
Isn't it satisfying?
Look how poetic,
You took my breath away.

Would you like a knife, love?
To cut me apart, of course.
Here, push it into my stomach.
Now twist.
Do you feel that?
My organs shutting around it?
Isn't it lovely?

Now sit, my darling,
Sit back and enjoy
The final scene.
You have front row tickets
To my final breaths.
Thank you for destroying me.

Through shadowless reflections,
My fate itself reveals
And no mark was determined,
And nothing will be sealed,

And spinless freckled creatures,
will march in through the gates,
I give up, I surrender
We've nothing to debate.

You've laced your sword with poison,
I'll draw it from your belt,
I'll save you all the effort,
And to the ground I'll melt.

The battle on October,
My heart is ripped in two,
My present is infected
With memories of you.

I find love in the flowers,
Little petals of sunshine
Smile at me from between thick leaves.

I find love in the clouds,
Flowing feathers and cotton candy
Watching over me sweetly, shielding me from the sun.

I find love in the wind,
The gentlest gust
Asking kindly to see my face between my curls.

I find love in your grin,
Bright ivory between pink cushions
And in them, the essence of all that is good.

Oh, to be loved.
What a wish, what a craving.
Freeing, at times,
Yet, oddly, enslaving.

Tied to the wall
By a chain of events
And everyone wants
To give their two cents,

And little old me,
Is curled up in the corner.
I know I belong,
But I feel like a foreigner,

And all that I want
Is your safe, warm embrace,
And all that I get
Is a slap to the face.

This place -
Once a haven, a field where I roamed,
Has lost its spark,
It doesn't feel like a home.

There's cards on the table,
The gamblers place bets,
They set up the scene
As they spit empty threats.

And we run, run away,
As forth move the reapers,
Tired of being pursued,
Tired of being peacekeepers.

But finally,
Just down the street, 'round the bend,
We'll find a place where
Our wounds can all mend.

And you'll lie by my side,
Lips to lips, misbehaving.
Oh, to be loved,
What a wish, What a craving.

The sun will still
Rise tomorrow
And the rivers will
Flow all the same.
No one will
Cry in sorrow
No one will
Remember my name.
I'll be long, long gone.
And what difference
Will it make,
If everything I am
Is a mistake?

-Everything is still.
-The world stopped.
-Your breath is grey,
-And your soul too.
-The chains are weakening.
-In a day or two they'll break,
I'm sure of it.

-What color do you think the sky is today?
-I don't know.
I miss you so.

It slithers,
Slowly,
From the tips of your toes,
This vibration,
From the tips of your fingers,
This stretch,
To your shins,
This tickle,
To your arms,
This sensation,
To your knees,
This energy,
To your shoulders,
This shake,
To your thighs,
This chill,
To your chest,
This awakening,
To your hips,
This Caress,
To your stomach,
This explosion,
In your core.

Choose what you think
Will cause you best.
A thousand schemes
Will pay to rest
Their hands upon
This world of wonder,
So close your eyes,
Let your mind wander.
Imagine wings
And learn to fly,
And as you jump,
Fall into skies
Of other kinds,
Into the deep,
Low and behold
Your wrecked ship.