for Those who eat ramen by choice, or not.*

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by disillusionment,
lacking egotistical sold, dragging themselves through the hip streets at dawn
looking for a socially self-aggrandizing fix.
Poets, as they sit in desks and discuss discourse
about discourse about discourse about discourse,
who fear that thinking itself was buried with Vonnegut,
who are lost in forests of brick walls,
inviting, because they block the wind of dying fall,
who swim in cesspools filled with academic sewage, yearning for freedom,
for truth, as they always have,
mining their minds for images, and searching for words to describe
-a reality which is virtual at its core and each act, another chore./
-a scene of life which reflects all that is poignant and sacred.
Poets seek musicians while musicians seek poets.
and the dog chases its tail, endlessly
and the dog chases its tail, endlessly
and the dog chases its tail, endlessly

These poets who search aimlessly for the feeling of feeling,
who are overwhelmed with meaning to the point where meaning
has no meaning in itself.
Who claim this poem as their own and continuously write themselves into it.
It is those who suffer in truth that live the poetic.
Those who sit in front of space heaters eating peanut butter sandwiches in winter,
who sweat unknowingly in summer, comforted in each’s odor.
Those who open Macbooks while squatting in empty flats.
Signing up, logging in and zoning out, forever disengaged.
Those who type prophecy on keypads and let keyboards gather dust-
stratification, signs of long nights spent in century-old homes still not renovated,
ceilings sinking at the sides while those above pogo to punk rock long dead,
or grind genitals to old soul, simulating all that is sensual.
Those who play archaeologist to their own layers of makeup, grimed on the sink.
Those who share their food with the roaches and the mooches who all have keys,
who use the books as shelves to hold ceramic mugs, stained with a single drip-drop,
who, with arms crossed, watch bands in basements play noise.
Those who replaced their nu-metal records with folk but kept the unkempt beards.
Those who drink stale beer on stranger’s rooftops.
Those who live with bags under eyes, themselves asleep, lacking a body,
sleeping naked together to stay warm,
sleeping naked together to stay sane,
sleeping naked together to stay touched.

Those who leave coffee in unplugged automatic pots, decaying rapidly.
Those who eat pizza for breakfast, cold or microwaved, as an act of ultimate indulgence.
Those who prance about in un-matching socks
from hardwood floors to vinyl floors to tile floors, all under the same popcorn ceiling,
dancing to the sound of rhythmic silence.
Those who fight with lovers about acts, but never once mention the act of love itself.
Those who don flannel plaid in springtime color, constructing Williamsburg,
who consider gentrification a new form of landed gentry,
who live in poverty as if it were a novelty,
capitalist martyrs sacrificing employment to hide being non-hirable,
who shop in online surplus department stores for unique vintage.
Those who, who, who hoot like the owls framed on their walls, eyes wide but beaks small.
Those who are oppressed by nonexistent kings ruling in imaginary suits.
Those who crave something new, not tired-as the form of this very poem-
something which is not-yet auto-tuned.
Those who, faux-hawked and shredded, rock and bop to Bowie doing Lou
on Sunday Morning from Station to Station shooting ******,
who walk swiftly with denim skin on their legs and refuse socks.
Those who, in their rightest mind, are the wrongest-minded.
Those who can reject privilege only because they are privileged,
who, in their uniform whiteness, denounce racism,
who, in their uniform straightness, claim immune to homophobia
who, with their ***** ***** in a row, claim to be feminists.

And those who search for revolution in a time when rebellion is conformity.
Listening to the  pounding sound of blog-protesters typing n o w.
who, in claiming to accept, don’t accept the unaccepting,
who got veggies tattooed on their sides while snapping bacon in their teeth,
who ironically infiltrated asylums and performed madness until the shocks came
and they were maddened, for good, eaten alive by volts resounding
ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching.
Who sleep naked together to be together but end up being alone,
exchanges from lips that move in pretentious drone,
and the dog chases its tail, endlessly.
When the abnormal is normal and the whole structure is inverted and
heaven is here and flames under the soil are no longer hell burning for soles of the
Converse, Adidas, and Nike sneakers on the bicycle pedals of poets who ride at night,
listening to the sound of owls that question:
who?
whoo?
whooo?

California highway buzzes and the searing sun shines on the beach towel as I stroke Walt Whitman's beard
Transcendent and alive, but dead, still dead as my brother and his brothers, the 19th Century posse
We know the world better than them but are less learned, as the schools are a failure
and the business is us, but not the same as the industrial business of yesteryear
We are here to consume, consume and as we're dying of consumption , we consume more.

Alcohol, cars, phones and laptops, tablets, tablets, pills and more pills, condoms, liquor, ***** and brews, women, men, more women, more men, razors, lasers, heaters, coolers, snacks, rucksacks, ex lax and nick-knacks. They sell us dreams and nightmares, movies and bomb scares, they sell us news by the hour and power as they exert their own power. They give us gifts and incentives, draw us in so they they can stick us with a pin or a bracelet, and we too can sell to our friends on group hangs or as we stand still listening to our favourite bands. Billboards scream for our attention, or the buses stop at the intersection, and we're supposed to open our little phone and buy whatever is advertised. Why? Y?

They call us the Y generation too, why? Perhaps we ask the question  too much, perhaps we haven't asked enough. Perhaps the X generation simply ponder why we are so consumed with the technology they feed us. Why? Why must they question us, when we are the next great generation, we do laugh at that too. The internet is the new religion, bow down before Google and drink from the pixelated chalice, my child. Any question one could need answering is answered by the internet. The Bible is irrelevant in our society, burn it and download a bible app on the latest smartphone, the Qur'an too, hell, try the Tanakh, the Smriti and the Pāli Canon, for we are enlightened ******* It. And we want more.

somenonamesarcasticasshole@yahoo.com
RE:PARTY TONIGHT!!!!!

Hey yo mane some warehouse downtown has this dubstep DJ from like ******* Iraq or some ****. *** down, gonna be hella ******* there
xo

What music do you like?
All of it
Films?
All of them
TV
I don't own one but I watched every episode of The Wire on Netflix
...
I am a pansexual being riding the ever changing dunes of the Sahara, like so many great poets before me.

Digital immigrants and immigrants of empathy too
How serious do you believe us to be?
I am not using sarcasm as a form of wit for I have no wit.
Stoicism and rejection of education, employment and training.
We surly are the neatest generation, how can we make a mess if we are not awake most days?
Save for the endless party that is life, as we throw used glow sticks at women we desire
and ***** over car windows before getting blown on the lawn

lol dat wuz cray last nite
xo

Die young poets we have no desire for your kind, pacify us with Kerouac and Ginsberg so that we may emulate intelligence and impair the senses, for we care not about the real world either
Our world is the only one that exists, yours will soon crumble
We have trained for the end with extensive views of zombie flicks in coffee houses

@SomeFacelessJerk Follow for follow

Hey OP, you are a ******.
Why yes, yes I am. Does that bother you.
No, OP. You see I too am a ******.

Do away with your hurtful words they have no meaning today
White man died and lost control of his precious dictionary
We are here to save language by replacing all vowels with X's and O's
We are here to consume and in turn consummate this marriage,
the marriage of ignorance and bliss.

When the engine rattled itself to a stop he opened the driver’s door letting the damp afternoon displace the snug of travel. He was home after a long day watching the half hours pass and his students come and go. And now they had gone until next year leaving cards and little gifts.
 
The cats appeared. The pigeons flapped woodenly. A dog barked down the lane. The post van passed.
 
The house from the yard was gaunt and cold in its terracotta red. Only the adjacent cottage with its backdoor, bottles filling the window ledges, and tiled roof, seemed to invite him in. It was not his house, but temporarily his home. He loved to wander into the garden and approach the house from the front, purposefully. He would then take in the disordered flowerbeds and the encroaching apple trees where his cats played tag falling in spectacular fashion through the branches. He liked to stand back from the house and see it entire, its fine chimneys, the 16C brickwork, the grey-shuttered living room, and his bedroom studio from whose window he could stretch out and touch the elderberries.
 
Inside, the storage heaters giving out a provisional warmth, he left the lights be and placed the kettle on the stove, laid out on the scrubbed table a tea ***, milk jug, a china mug, a cake tin, On the wall, above the vast fireplace, hung a painting of the fields beyond the house dusty in a harvest sunset, the stubble crackling under foot, under his sockless sandals, walking, walking as he so often felt compelled to do, criss-crossing the unploughed fields of the chalk escarpment.
 
Now a week before St Lucy’s Day he sat in Tim’s chair and watched the night unmask itself, the twilight owl glimmer past the window, a cat on his knee, a cat on the window ledge, porcelain-still.
 
He let his thoughts steal themselves across the table to an empty chair, imagining her holding a mug in both hands, her long graceful legs crossed under her flowing skirt. When she lay in bed she crossed her legs, lying on her back like the pre-Raphaelite model she had shown him once, Ruskin’s ****** wife, Effie. ‘I was in a pub with some friends and I looked out of the window and there he was, painting the church walls’, she said musingly, ‘I knew I would marry him’. He was older of course; with a warm voice that brought forth a childhood in the 1930s spent at a private schools, a wartime naval career (still in his teens), then Oxford and the Slade. He owned nothing except a bag of necessary clothes, his paints of course and an ever-present portfolio of sketches. Tim lived simply and could (and did) work anywhere. Then there was Alison, then a passion that nearly drowned him before her Quaker family took him to themselves, adoring his quiet grace, his love of music, his ability to cook, to make and mend, to garden like a God.
 
Sitting in her husband’s chair he constantly replayed his first meeting with her. Out in the yard, they had arrived together, it was Palm Sunday and returning from Mass he gave her his palm as a greeting. He loved her smile, her awkwardness, her passion for the violin, and her beautiful children. He felt he had always known her, known her in another life . . . then she had touched his hand as he ascended the kitchen stairs in her London home, and he was lost in guilt.
 
Tonight he would eat mackerel with vicious mustard and a colcannon of vegetables. He would imagine he was Tim alone after a day in his studio, take himself upstairs to his bedroom space where on his drawing board lay this work for solo violin, his Tapisserie, seven studies and Chaconne. For her of course; of the previous summer in Pembrokeshire; of a moment in the early morning sailing gently across Dale sound, the water glass-like and the reflections, the intense mirroring of light on water  . . . so these studies became mirrors too, palindromes in fact.
 
The cats slept on his sagging quilted bed where he knew she had often slept, where he often felt her presence as he woke in the early hours to sit at his desk with tea to drag his music little by little into sense and reason.
 
When Jenny came she slept fitfully, in this bed, in his arms, always worried by her fear of rejection, always hoping he would never let her go, envelope her with love she had never had, leave his music be, be with her totally, rest with her, own her, take her outside into the night and make love to her under the apple trees. She had suggested it once and he had looked at her curiously, as though he couldn’t fathom why bed was not sufficient unto itself, why the gentleness he always felt with her had to become hurt and discomfort.
 
He had acquired a drawing board because Elizabeth Lutyens had one in her studio, a very large one, at which she stood to compose. He liked pushing sketches and manuscript paper around into different configurations. He would write the same passage in different rhythmical values, different transpositions, and compare and contrast. After a few hours his hearing became so acute that he rarely had to go downstairs to check a phrase at the piano.
 
Later, when he was too tired to stand he would go into the cold sitting room, light some candles, wrap himself in a blanket and read. He would make coffee and write to Jenny, telling her the minutiae of the place she loved to come to but didn’t understand. She loved the natural world of this remote corner of Essex. Even in winter he would find her walking the field paths in skirt and t-shirt insensible of the cold, in sandals, even bare feet, oblivious of the mud. He would guide her home and wash her with a gentleness that first would arouse her, then send her to sleep. He knew she was still repairing herself.
 
One evening, after a concert he had conducted, Jenny and Alison found themselves at the same table in the bar. Jenny had grasped his hand, drawing it onto her lap, suddenly knowing that in Alison’s presence he was not hers. And that night, after phoning her sister to say she would not be home, she had pulled herself to him, her mass of chestnut hair flowing across her shoulders and down his chest as she kissed his hands and his arms, those moving appendages she had watched as he had stood in front of this student orchestra playing the score she had played, once, before this passion had taken hold. At those first rehearsals she had blushed deeply whenever he spoke to her, always encouraging, gentle with her, wondering at her gauche but wondrous beauty, her pear-shaped green eyes, her small hands.
 
He threw the cats out into the chill December air. He closed the door, extinguished the lights and climbed the stairs to his bedroom. In bed, in the sheer darkness of this Ember night, the house creaked like an old sailing ship moored in a tide race. For a few moments he lay examining the soundscape, listening for anything new and different. With the nearest occupied house a good mile away there had been scares, heart-thumping moments when at three in the morning a knock at the door and people in the yard shouting. He carried Tim’s shotgun downstairs turning on every light he could find on the way, shouting bravely ‘Who’s there?’. Flinging open the door, there was nothing, no one. A disorientated blackbird sang from the lower garden . . .

He turned his head into the pillow and settled into mind-images of an afternoon in Dr Marling’s house in Booth Bay. In his little bedroom he had listened to the bell buoy clanging too and fro out in the sea mist, the steady swish, swash of the tide turning above the mussled beach.

Not in the way I
Look through these eyes
which water but instead
Of sadness entranced upset
Near to death love
making where though and
Design laugh at their own
Gluttony and ill usage and
away from me i say no not here and
away from itself i hear nothing for you
are here within me but away
Comet and the see to hear blues with
Everything to give but nothing to lose
And the far off sights are much too bright
And inside you hear yourself crying
Not to mtters or mold your soul
With what your parents said to you
Ordered you to be bold and
The aftermath of your own tightened slack
Makes you wonder if growing up was an actual
Choice in the matter of the batter which is
The family foundation were games are played
For keeps and children weep as they keep
Toiling on as adults just for bigger and better things
Come into the waves of a brain malfunctioning
No face for ye' faith meand nodding to the higher
Ones whose noses are broken and the lips cracked
The spinning brain of hurts doughnuts and Americana
Rip offs selling the flag by the millions to turn a profit
For the moronic billionaires who think no one is watching.
Watching with their hats turned sideways and trying to
Escape old age and grey hair and sagging ball sacks and
Poor english and worser bread, stale with their mother's
Ghost hovering on the shoulder of their pouting diamond
Drenched wife as if madness grew a larger pair **** within the
Hilarity of connection of concoction of happiness and
Satisfaction and a longing to burn the entire ******* down
Just to rebuild it the way you see and you do see it and the way
You feel it used to be and perhaps, maybe, could be and where
Experimentation is now a center fold for the dock workers and the
Laborers of the world to spit and ******* and cry over in their
Twisted and rusty beds for inside their pea brains and melted
Mouths filled with colgate and beer, they slobber over the excess
And humiliation and celluoid dreams of **** and *** and spreads
That would make any grandmother of 37 weep and Mozart meander
On the veranda, contemplating smooth jazz and the way he would like
Not to be buried with the hat trick hockey nick who swore he saw
You fall in love before and that sobriety was the touch of the Christian
Way of life and ye' far out and tormented young ones meant nothing
By what they said at the rally and they do believe in the good of the
White government and we are headed toward a technological maelstrom
Of the golden age of the HUMAN RACE but alas I hope I decipher I pray to
No God but whoever has the ears and eyes and arm fat to listen with their
Splintered consciousness and their painted red toenails and girlfriends who
Whisper they have always loved another and how TRUE UNTRUTH IS and
How vindictive we rant on and read on and hope and believe that the end
Is the end but it is only the end for you and their will be new blood and new eyes
And new minds and we will grow old but the rivers water will be recycled, as we
Will be recycled into the dust and the mud and the rubble to further build the streets
As the street makers and the bread winners will smile as they think they are the
First ones to think up such a crafty, inventive invention but hierarchies are on the horizon
And I remember I was born with a name that I never grew to know or fall in love with
Or defend or keep close to my heart for the heart is weary hunter and it ventures on
With or without the body.
Note to self.
Recall the last rite before you begin on to the next one.
History has spilt its blood and its fair share of orange juice, try not to remember the numbers but remember the amount of burned chairs.
Note to self, returned.
The heaters on and the soul is not dancing but jiving like icing on a three year olds birthday cake.
Submission time to the chief, submission time
To those other guys, whose faces I've never smelt, but who are there waiting and whining that the times are no longer a changing.
Keep up the smiles, keep out the frowns.
Negativity is the attribute of the terrorist. Don't be a terrorist.
All fine men and women have once in their life been truly scared.
One ten till the train leaves.


Good night major split hairs.

On the second of the fort
Nights beckoned a call dim
Lit by ill fated mechanisms that
Were men and women and
Children and the forgotten dream of
What was meant long ago and was is
Meant now but not followed through.

With heaven comes hell and hell fire and
Clouds of white with shelling from
Wars not of this world or the next or
The one's thereafter and lingering history,
With its bells and trinkets and tombstones,
That have been weathered but are still not gone.

Memory not mourning, pictures in a frame lit
From the inside out and drinks were there
When we were not meant to be there like a
Kiss on a flower you picked at an age where
Life was not known and death was even
Farther away for it existed not in the eyes of yours
But in everyone else around you, except for the
Other children of course but oh' of course.

If your trying to get the part of the stuff
That makes you recall the upstairs of the
Idiocies of the room romance that restricts but
Contains life and halters life and stifles life with
That one must recall a past life where tears
Mean nothing when you produce them too often.

Can of the hypocritical malice of mis-informed family
Foundations and we break into the minds of the way
It should be and the way it shouldn't be and yet here
When we gaze out across the wide spread of the world
And its many ways it spells out with a God's own language
The morning of the ear who listens and speaks when not spoken
To breaking every single rule of the word and smiling
Throughout the whole ****** thing.

Canons of repetition where life winces and the wife begins to wheeze
And fall, her dress is now clear and her eyes just don't seem to be
Where we are now I believe that money is the root of this soon to be dead
Tree and streets are now empty as the moon casts its silver glaze and
The breeze is now naked with her bra on the floor cast in straw while
The wizards write their spells and comb their hair and draw out plans
For the next great fall but watch the fireworks and the way they hail and
Crawl throughout the entire bawl and Ol' Ezra P. mass amounts of rage
To bring to the stage but here ye' O great one this place is for us all.

Here in the house of the not that is shared but all is seen here
Where the wind blows to no east and no west and no south and
No other way that you believe to get headed to the world of
The no names and experience makes you wise and yet old
And remembered for the drinks you paid for but especially for
The ones you forgot to pay for but that is what friends are for.

Omnivores in latitudes that matter not to the public eye but
To the ear of the Lord that is not everyone's savior but
Chosen just for the right eye so within that decree of mastery
We entrance the light and shovel up the leaves leaving the last
Way of things to be the first way of things when the lights
Are quickly turned off and on and off and on again and again;
Stars are naked until the sun rises in your hometown and the radio
Turns on.

And the background music chimes with a willingness of a cockroach but
Holds the beauty of a **** statue found in the under toe of a lost
Beach in a lost land forgotten in time but embraced by eternity and
Though does not dwindle its numerous names or its many ways
Of being for the hour does shackle us all but here in high array of
None other then eight times the way through the cobbled up in the
Attic of the fiercest neanderthal dictator with ideas holding truths upon
Truths that in the end mean nothing  for advancement is not determined
But continued upon as long as we forget the past and look to the future hymn
Of the childless winged' beasts that were once forgotten but now embraced
Angels.

Not of this world but of the entirety of the reality of banality
Breathing back and forth inhaling and exhaling releasing the
Mind of the mares of the wandering rewinds of infinite space
And inside the eyes of the highest levee which has broken but
Has not yet spilt holding back its power for the remainder of the
Year and catacombs upon catacombs of forgotten text of never
Forgotten men recalling their former lives and their former passions
And the hastiness of their possession of the word and the avoidance
Of the death touch the death mark the black spot upon us all.

Dog on a hill cloud high in the sky nut on the ground no not a sound
Frost on your fingertips toe of the boot covered a steel dull mud
Suds from a water rushing miles away nodding branches of a dead tree
Wind through the high grass birds in the sky that fly but not chirp
Sun in the sky rice fields burn brown crickets rub their thighs together
Not here but in the corn stocks and pig stocks brown in the reverse order
Platters of pinch salt and pepper underneath the floor boards creek for
Creak and dollar for dollar we make the rounds and we do not frown.

And the meet of the neat make their rapid conversations in dual order
Where they tell themselves this but I hear that and you make what you want
Unless you ain't got the stuff but if your lucky and if your smart you'll
Grab the oven and bake that **** but in case you don't see the sunset and
Your buried without your toes look for your voice because that's the only
Way you'll get to know the stars in the sky or the dirt on the ground for
The fun is growing but the lurkers are smirking for they got the pennies and
They got the nickels and these streets are breaking so you gotta' start thinking
Of a way to get outta' this place and FAST or else you'll be staring down the
Barrel of a 33 to ONE typing and writing and peeping around the corner of
Your dear old ***** that hasn't found in a home in years but don't look too
Down because one day that ONE will come around either by taxi or by train
Or by some kind of war and if you've got the gut and the money and the honey to
Keep her tight and alright and flying that lovers kite then your bound to keep
Yourself from the giggles and nearer to the harmony of the way things ought to
Be but may not really be but perhaps can be if you will it around and swill it with
Your will making sure your lies and that white or ain't that black or ain't that real
Or you ain't lying at all but stay truer to the truth with the water resolution of the
Insipid insecurity of the first love you thought you knew but now see that it was
The one three or four later and how right I am in knowing nothing and knowing
Everything and letting the mind skip and play and register new friends in the new
Cities and the new alleys and the smiles that break across the ice like a crack of of a
Whip and counting the days ones gone blowing through the high valley and the low
Trenches of war I do not wish to go to but may be forced too because this man believes
Just what he says.

What music
slowly covers
the background-
of twelve cylinder
nostalgia
and new age
conformity?
Blends with
the whispers
of the breeze
and the
child's laughter?
Where are we
now that
the Greasers
run the town?
Their style,
their swag,
so appealing.
What comes
if it when,
the canine
shivers
and the
heaters are loaded?

I want summer like I want you, constantly. I’m tired of cold that snatches my breath and hope. I want the trees to regain their decency and cover their bare limbs. Wearing the greenest fullest blouses. I want the grass to grow. Thunder to roll and rain to fall. I want fat drops to bounce of the pavement, to wash my face and hair.

I want the sun to bath my skin in beauty, making it glow with warmth. I want dresses and shorts and skirts. I want brown legs and flip-flops. I want turquoise pools and florescent swimsuits.

I’m sick of cold fingers and toes. I’m tired of heaters and blankets. I want to roll down the windows. I want sweat on my back and only sheets on my bed. I’d love warm nights, drinking sweet tea, and making love beneath the stars. I wish for glowing street lights and lake nights. I want to sit in the windows of cars at sonic.

I want barbeque sunflower seeds and the fourth of July.

I want field parties with only beer and red bull, and only bonfires to see by. I want fireflies and chigger bites. Lemonade out of mason jars.
I miss cotton, and sandals. I miss volleyball, ***** feet, and ponytails. But what I miss most about summer is freedom. Those summer night driving under an endless sky of stars.

You’re silent.
You’re embryos of animals
You’re  charged weapons
You’re creatures sitting in the ark
You’re TVs
You’re a guide of metro
You’re passengers without weapons
You’re fallen lustres
You’re heaters
You’re toys
Mom loudly cried
She ran and hugged the policeman
At the window of a shop
The policeman, who killed a child yesterday
Mom cried loudly
She ran and hugged , in the corner of street
Next to the church,
Padre, in the front of vulcanization
Who ***** a girl in the corner of street yesterday, next to a church.
Mom is shouting
She ran and hugged the politician on pavilion
The politician, who sold motherland of others.
Mom was screaming and ran to shop
And bought *****.
Mom drank *****
And whole night she looked alike a wistit
You’re silent.
You’re embryos of animals
You’re  charged weapons
You’re creatures sitting in the ark
You’re TVs
You’re a guide of metro
You’re passengers without weapons
You’re fallen lustres
You’re heaters
You’re toys
You’re the mom , who hugged a guilty policeman with happiness/
And then in the corner of street, next to the church,
In the front of vulcanization, hugged a villain padre and a traitor politician standing in a pavilion.

Her timid, inexperienced hands
Young, unsure and insecure
Didn't understand
The power in her touch soothed his soul.
She had no idea she was the chosen one

As an evolved woman in her 40s
She now understands that
Her hands felt like heaters when they touched his soul.
Penetrating his skin
Skin smooth like silk
Passion hot like fire

The majestic curve of her hips
The fullness of her *******
The softness of her lips
Had a hypnotic effect
Shaking this very powerful man
To his very core.
To see your soul's mirror reflection
In another being
Was completely unnerving
The vicious battle of wills and ego
That later ensued
Was simply a defense mechanism
For the both of them

This level of intimacy
Felt like a personal invasion
What felt like an attempt
Of mind and body control
Or strategic manipulation
Was truly the essence
Of old familiar souls
Reconnecting with each other

This unbridled passion
Was electrifying
Every nerve was a live wire
Intensity so strong it was alarming
******* full body electrocutions
Powerfully addictive
Never underestimate the significance
Of the soul tie
For as ancient energies exchange
Souls intertwine

This is an unbreakable bond
Stronger than betrayal, conflict or estrangement
Its unforgettable

Holding this queen to your chest
Without uttering a single word
She was "home"
Only the two of you
share this special space
With the ability to speak to
each others thoughts
And feel the others' soul cries
You are deeply connected
You are not alone

So in the next lifetime
Be brave enough
To trust each other.
Respect this bond as something far more than simple lust
May we seize the opportunity
And learn, build and grow together

May next journey not be so lonely
Marred with confusion, insecurities
Ego and self doubt
May we find comfort
In our shared heartache
Of the loss of our earthly mothers
We will forever be connected spiritually
Throughout the passage of time
And the rest of eternity

Until we meet again.

© 2017

“Cold snowflakes upon my arm

the winter shine peeking through a crack in the blinds

a breeze of ice engulfing the room through a window left ajar

a land covered in a shiny white blanket.”

Winter has come. Cue the thick padded coats and the parkas of every color of the rainbow! Behold the sleds and skis and the beautiful Siberian huskies who pull them. Await the closing of schools and the temperature drops, keeping people in and making children everywhere euphoric as ever. The time has come for skating upon rivers of ice, and joyous dinners in warm wooly sweaters as families gather around to indulge in the tastiest of food. Fireplaces shall again be lit in all households of old, and stockings hung up early in preparation for Christmas. Happy smiles all around, engaging in snowball fights and the building of snowmen.

Ah but winter is as winter does. As numbers reach the negatives, heaters are turned up to the warmest possible, insulating the beings in a home and using electricity. What about those without a home? Those who are confined to the streets of the city, waiting for the cold to eat their bodies up and leave them in a state of rigidity? They are left to waste. Left to succumb to the bitterness of winter, with no sustenance whatsoever or any form of water to soothe their burning throats. The cold will conceal them in a cover of white death, a prison of snow. And in the early mornings of every winter-filled day, a machine is sent out to collect the bodies of those who have been imprisoned by the winter. The one operating the machine weeps silent tears for these ice prisoners before bringing their poor souls elsewhere.

Winter is two-faced, and she is both beautiful and terrible as the morning and the night.

(lunarlullubies)

It was a highway that brought me here
Stuffed into a expensive car with four adults and good music
We drove for what seemed hours
Arriving on the slick, black streets of the Emerald City
Down a rabbit hole of old cars and termite ridden stairs
Past an old couch and a stray cat
Into a cold room with heaters stacked and jumbled
Full of pianos and good and beer
People I've known for twelve years
And people I've met only once
People I don't know
Different skins, of their own, of animals
Frizzy and cropped hair, wine and mason jar glasses
Walls painted silver, gleaming under forty year old lamps
Mismatched furniture and occupants alike
Sirens singing in the background
Children running through the foreground
Old friends and a blind man with a big dog
Visual artists and IRS agents
Musicians and carpenters
Mechanical engineers
Cobbled together around and old fireplace and a rosewood piano
Sharing stories and songs, sons and daughters
Tales from the road, and wedding pictures
I sat on an orange pleather couch in the makeshift kitchen
Watching theses people's children play with bionicles and dolls
Reading books and drawing on walls
Playing drums and answering calls
Fighting for bathroom stall
These are my people
I know them all

It's the most wonderful time of year...for a wedding? That's right! If the thought of getting hitched outside during your favorite snowflake falling time of year is intimidating, don't fret. Where there is a will there is a way. Warm your friends and family up to the idea of an outdoor winter wedding ceremony by taking these cold weather tips to heart.

Get hitched in a warmer climate


Because obviously, an outdoor winter wedding ceremony set in Southern California or Miami, is a lot more bearable than say, being stuck in the middle of an NYC blizzard. Yes, it will still be a bit cool out, but more along the lines of early fall (think 50s and low 60s), as opposed to below freezing temperatures. Destination wedding, anyone?

Warn your friends and family

There's nothing worse than showing up to a winter wedding, only to discover it's being held outside and you had no idea. "Give your guests a forewarning so they come prepared," advises lifestyle expert and event designer Jung Lee of Fete NY. If you plan on moving the party indoors after you say, "I do", having a coat check for guests is an absolute must.

Gift your girls a cozy faux fur shrug

It's the least you can do for forcing them to stand by your side in the freezing cold. Kidding! Seriously though, a chic faux fur shrug will not only keep your bridesmaids warm for photos and throughout the ceremony, but it's an item they can definitely wear again post-wedding. Plus, it looks killer in pictures! "I also love the idea ofthe bridesmaids having warm hand muffs and the groomsmen tucking a flask in their jackets," says Lee.

Crank the heat up

Like it or not, you're probably going to have to bring in some heaters. Everyone has a different tolerance for chilly weather, but after 10-15 minutes of sitting outside in the cold, most people become uncomfortable, cautions Lee. "Heaters then become a good solution. Remember that some can be loud and others don't provide warmth unless you're in close proximity to them, however."

Provide blankets, wraps or both for guests

They serve a practical need by keeping everyone warm and also make for a cute design opportunity styled up in a cozy corner, points out Los Angeles-based event planner Leslie Kaplan, owner of ENCORE. The softer and bigger the blankets, the better! Bonus points to brides and grooms that incorporate an area for guests to gather and warm up pre or post-ceremony: think a rustic fire pit or a more modern fireplace, suggests Kaplan.

Embrace warm drinks

Upon arrival, Kaplan recommends greeting your guests with a toasty beverage, such as hot chocolate or having a cider bar. Lee, on the other hand, loves Hot Toddies served in a footed glass with a cinnamon stick. "Mulled wine is another great option," she offers.

read more:www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses-perth

www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses-canberra

Phonecalls
Late nights
Your voice
Taxi drives.
Cocktails
Beers
Apartment heaters
Christmas cheer.

I'm
F
A
   L
     L
       I
        N
          G
too fast
too hard
for you.

I CAN'T

Still be hoggin' in the game
Ya know my name
Yosef is the same
That was since i was born
N served my cain
I got these hippies going insane
Against the grain
I drop the real **** blood ****
That start wars n ****
Reach my hands in the pulpits
Of hell broke out the cell
Now all exposed is hell i dont yell
I let my guns brag n tell
N you can tell i been through drama
By lookin' into my eyes
Ya see a cold glare stoppin' stare
Ya cant figure me out im all.about
Big bens franklins to washingtons
Dolla dolla bill yall i stand tall
With my hand on my *****
Slap it across ya jaws
Now how it taste to be the big boss
Im.outta space
My layers come in ozone so why dont ya phone home
***** i hit a switch pop a lick
Now ya laying hands clutched
In a casket
Stiff n cold ya neva thought yya could fold
But i broke through ya mold
Rode with the baddest OGs
Your game is the saddest **** ****
Like Gladys
Night im on the midnight train to Georgia
So pour me up some of that drank
Sit n park my mind n thank
Uh all my enemies couldnt the best of me
Cuz they wanna get paper like me
Cheese is stinkin' got ya eyes blinkin'
So fast im gone like a lightening flash
N ya can call it what ya want
But the west side riders is gone taunt


Yea fools im old school like Rodney O
With everlasting bass fo
Ya *** finish yo *** with the chrome thats stash
My heaters make ya sweat im an imminent
Threat so forget
All that chit chat
These cats aint spittin' facts
Facts is they wack as soulja boy
Droppin' Superman never been a fan
Of ***** **** im down for gangsta ****
Roll with OGs n TGs who push ozs to keys
No fleas
No me cuz im sucker free **** the industry
Im callin' out everybody
That done did it o ya ******* ya been admitted
To my ICU Camp
Ya couldnt even pay ya way out
With a billion dolla foodstamps
I hit ya with stamp ya know im postal
Quick to grab a pistol split yo temple
100s or 300s spinnin' off the box top
Caprice 84 with vogues n switches on hop
Cant stop wont stop
Its still one eighty seven on a undacovee cop
Beat the case cuz i keep been big bens in my case check the smile on my face
We aint grimy we shining hotter than sun
The luminous one knock off the crumbs
Off my table cuz yall aint able
To handle me too hot to touch
N if ya try my whole clique gone blow up
On you what ya gone do?
Red white or blue?
Doi have to spell it naw ill just let my past deade enemies tell it!!!

Step one is waking up
and writing about your day.

I want to talk about language,
your mothers cheapest wine and worst blueberry jam
staining all your best clothes with verses.
Vignettes appearing all over
the rented tuxedo from the wedding.
Dark ink and oil separates in a margarita glass
soaking into the cuts on your dry lips,
dusting your hair and the spaces
between each individual vertebrae.

Syllables dripping from the tip of your nose
and fingernails
leave novels on the linoleum and
books of sentence fragments on the hardwood.
Poets bleed into cracks on fine china
pooling into poems.
Space heaters emit quotes from dead people
I sign each word when
the analogue clock ticks,
each poem adding another minute to the day.
I’m always hoping I can squeeze in a few more hours
so I can watch the ****** orange sky
with grass in my shirt,
the Pixies mumbling in the background
leaving lyrics trapped in my teeth.

Anthologies of letters
between man and his dog
hidden onomatopoeias in every backyard.
I'll write you 364 days of the year
too many paragraphs to fill the barbecue.
Burn through pages with paper matches
making enough poems to last a decade.

Transfer phrases into the soles of my shoes,
I want to walk on water,
the "W" curled up beside my baby toe.
Every inch of the fabric we call skin,
stamps and ink pads,
turn everything to poetry.
Despite seas of fog
where breathing stops the words
from forming in your throat,
the only way to express is by experience
and frantic fountain pens.
Smoke on the balcony
writes starry sonnets about the girl in your bed
lining the waxing moon with poetry,
a **** homage to Shakespeare himself.

Serendipity;
finding something good without looking for it.
A feeling I have encountered
keeping my breathing sporadic,
rarely setting me on fire.
Living Chinese finger traps
burning blue poems on my palms
splotching the back of my neck
licking up my thigh and hips.

Let me throw away my common sense,
the final step of becoming a poet.

She was an excited little thing
Always running around you
couldn't miss her. She would
Sneeze and the fire brigade would
come and douse her out she
Was a little fire *******.

She was always full of flare
The ones she shot in to the air,
Children loved her displays,
As they would shoot upon the
Heavens and explode into a
Million stars for moments the
sky was alive with fire.

She lit the heaters of the towns
Folk, to keep them warm in winter.
But she was so alone the last of
The little missus, who's flame
Always burnt brighter.

"Little miss fire hazard" grew majestic
And loved by towns folk and those
Lucky enough too meet her, but she
Passed as all things do, but too this
Day a flame still burns bright never
Does it flicker, it burns bright forever
More as generation down the line, the
Towns folk remember and *miss her.

FRIDAY
1:00 – 3:30

I swept the packing area.
Three neat piles of duct tape,
plastic wrap, saw dust, dumped
into a trashcan. Made
another mess while packing
toys into boxes for the
community’s Angel Tree.

MONDAY
11:15 - 12:45

A self-proclaimed alcoholic
asked me for a cigarette. He
preached to me with an unsteady
tongue and hollow eyes. I met a case
worker named Maria and alphabetized
children’s names and Christmas wishes.

2:30 - 4:30         

Stapled $7.00 price tags
to shirt collars, pants pockets,
working alongside a man
who served ten years in
prison. He finished loading
a shopping cart and I pushed
the items into the store.
I put cracked ceramic plates,
dusty books, and twisted wire
roosters onto an empty shelf.

TUESDAY
2:30 – 3:30         

Maria turned the wish forms
into Captain Smith. I went
to the Captain’s office and
entered Christmas wishes
into a database. Captain Smith
tapped her fingers on the desk,
hummed along to her Christian
radio station and talked about
the importance of volunteers.

3:45 – 5:00          

The yard on the east side
of the store needed to be
cleaned. Plastic wrap blown
into the barbed wire fence
surrounding broken computers,
archaic metal heaters, and
miscellaneous types of scrap.
After we loaded the trailer
I swept the packing area
and smoked a cigarette.

WEDNESDAY
11:15 – 1:30          

I finished entering the
forms into Captain
Smith’s computer
while she was out
at lunch. I walked around
outside but I didn’t find
the drunk. Captain
Smith signed my
completion of volunteer
service sheet and joked,
“I guess we won’t be
seeing you again.”

The flame
In his chest
The same
To the rest
But twisted
As he was
Blessed
But gifted
With inferiority
And was horribly
Conflicted
Of the message
He was meshing
With the decrepit
Feeling
Of his fleeting
Half stepping
To the
Recollections
Of his blessings
That he was tempted
To dissect
From the crowd
Inflicted
Despite the
Shroud
Of clouded
Bouts
Torn from
The panicked ****
Of the phobias
He knew they were scared of
And glared
Right through them
Before he opened up
His coat
And started shooting
Proving
Others wise
In the silent
Reprise
Of 45's
And nines
He smiled
In the exile
Of fear
Escaping
Through
The fading
Lights
Of dying eyes
In the wild
Surmise
That with each
Trigger squeeze
Eased him
Into shame
As he
Aimed
To please
For the release
Of lives
Crawling
For the
Finished
Lines
And in gorgazmic
Slitherings
He delivered
The final blows
With power ups
And scores
Progressing
The killing
As he reloads
With shrilling
Grins
And stints
Of compassion
Fashioning
The rationed
Satisfaction
He received
From the screaming
Mothers and babies
Brothers and maybes
Splattering
On the plastic trees
Of escalators
And skeezes
That laid shuttering
Headless
Upon the exits
Of his
Insurrected mind
And he was just fine
With dying
In kind
And he was just fine
Shining from
The shrine
Of Santa
In a sonata
Of solidarity
To the led
Soldering morals
In a story
Of victory
And of
Personal glory
For the lords
Of defeat
Seething
In the completeness
Of a defeatist
As he stuck
The heaters
In his mouth
And was out
Without
One doubt
As to what
Nothing
Means

Enough of the hard gripped madness
Enough of the glass shattering sadness
Enough are the words on the page

Form forgets itself when aroused elsewhere
There was no magic in our glare
Simple pure planned demi-god like Hate

Worms were the things that made our love fall apart
The fire wheeling magician with pockets of loose change
We were nothing but fragments in our game all the same

Off and away these words ridicule the minds that read them
Shining truth as if they were just seated at the most beautiful booth
To hear the pleasantries of the mass is being hooked like a great bass

Sin eaters like the fire eaters both with broken heaters
Earrings that swing from side to vicisous side
Good and bad too preach on ears that don't know to delete

Another misfortune in time that never stands still
Ill to the will who low and behold takes the little blue pill
There is a faint mournful morning dust on mine window sill

Panic stricken I started thinkin' of the way out of this mess
But to my surprise and of course my first instinctful guess
I turned out to be the one at the party without a dress

Corn mocks itself telling the mirror its too fat
You've killed us all and yet your so small
Granting itself permission to never again enter the mall

Fiend friend better send
All their money off and away
For the mighty bill is here to the blank end

Let by gone's be by gones
Until the bones begin to break
And there ain't a trace of the song

Notes of noting that leave nothing in my ears
I listen to them all
But hear nothing

Has the sight went away with the sighing of the day?
Am I so lost
I can't see the falling summer frost?

Cornered in the market of a fresh bakers reality
The bread has been rising
I'm afraid it won't be able to stop

Off to the ridicule to put myself though medical school
The shimmering metallic utensils
Have never laid so deathly still

all grown up and here i am
a child again

you've taken me back to the easiness
of jokes and meaningless words and smiles
that mean nothing more than happiness

childish tunes of light footsteps
and heavy touch of hand on hand
and cold air burning cheeks bright red
and heaters bringing out the best in our ability
to just lie still and complain
about things we know don't matter, and besides
with you, it's all a joke, it's all a game
and yet there's a seriousness to the smile in your eyes
that pins my chest to yours
and my mind to your words
and it's this combination that keeps me here
after hours, after the walls have been emptied of echoes
and the windows are darkened by cold and near-midnight

with you, growing older and younger
and happier
simple words come to mind
so here they are

let's keep growing together

Situated in the green Corfu and having thousands
Of olive trees and flower-strewn countryside, Prinylas is
A nice, Adriatic-style village; its square and narrow paths,
Mansions and alleys are far away from the rifle bullets' ****.


Its wealthy inhabitants had built it in a picturesque
Position at an altitude of two hundred and seventy
Meters above the cove of Agios Georgios, but picaresque
Adventures happened there; even so, the people have steadily



Prospered from one thousand and two hundred A.C. when
'Twas a Byzantine seat; in the Agios Nikolaos church,
People had the same name; they were regarded as of the same kin.
Fargo bought a Venetian house after a quick search.



'Twas situated on a panoramic hill; Geraldine
Was in front of the house and looked at the landscape of olive
And citrus groves; she told Carla, '' astonishing view! '' „Divine, ''
Carla replied, ''Did you hear some sounds last night? '' ''It's hard to live


In a new place, '' replied Geraldine, '' It was like someone
Was walking in the house.'' 'Do you think they've found us? '' „I don't know.
Let's search together. If someone was here, he was alone.''
Fargo said, '' I must be in Corfu Town in two hours. Let's go



To buy a horse; we must move quickly; any lost minute
Means losing a life on the ship; I know them very well.''
''Don't force your horse to run too fast, '' he said, „I know its limit.''
They followed the winding road to the ringing church bell



And to a cobbled street; down from the hill, some stone–built houses
Were arranged in a wide arc around the small valley.
Immediately after that, they entered the square; the horses
Were beautiful; the women cut through a new alley,



To go to the church; he started to negotiate a horse
''Look at that mansion, '' said Carla, 'it's enclosed in carved stone walls.''
A short winding hillside track took them to the Lord's House.
Geraldine said, ''I'm Muslim, ' ' Bewildering are the God's calls, ''



Carla continued, 'I'm catholic', „like Frederick, '
Said Geraldine, 'look, it is written-Agios Nikolaos, ''
While entering, she used a face cover for her mouth and cheeks.
„It’s the name of the Saint Nicholas; is this marble? ' To rouse



Some Christian feelings in Geraldine, Carla made an effort.
'It's constructed in the 14th century- a Holy jewel.''
''Do you want to buy this horse or not? '' said the merchant. „What sort
Is this horse? '' '' An Arabian one- look at him, he’s not a fool.'




''I want to be sure that this one fits my personality.
What is his average speed? '' ''It can run eight miles per hour.''
'' I buy him, '' he told Carla, ''let's go to our new reality.'
Fargo left the village; Geraldine said, '' he has power.''



(Fargo took the money, the precious stones, and the documents. He went to Corfu Town. Geraldine and Carla returned their new temporary home.)



They lived in a two-story house having eighty meters
Of stone walls; the former owner used it to store his olive
Oil; it had not been inhabited for ten months; wood heaters
Guarded the entrance leading to the ground floor- a space to live.




In a corner, it was a rest of oil equipment.
The entry had two transition points at the openings to
The hallways. Carla said, „stone and wood- it's all so different, ''
''The stone colors pick up the tones in the wood to make these two



Materials look good, '' said Erica; at the ground floor
They saw two halls, a dining room, a living room having
A seating with red cushions, the stairs, and the terrace's door.
Maya called them from the upper floor having an entrance facing



West; from there, they could see the view of the street; this floor
Consisted of ten bedrooms, two wood stoves, two indoor stoves,
A kitchen, and storage rooms; Geraldine said, ''Before
Eating, let's drink tea, '' ''A neighbor told me that this house



Is a haunted one and this is why the owner sold it, '
Said Erica, 'These ghosts can affect anybody in
Prinylas, ' said Maya, ' you can't convince them the house to quit.
People practice exorcism here.' „Look at that place we have been! ''


(Carla turned the index finger of her right hand towards the window overlooking the sea.)

(To be continued...)

Poem by Marieta Maglas

[IN]
Blowing up her phone for a chance to meet,
What I didn't know then; I was already beat,
Resending messages, no way I'll take defeat,
It wasn't an option, I was dying for the meat,
Spinning the wheel of fortune, I was dying for the greet,
Talking about tryna take you out in my 2seater,
Tell me where you wanna go, I’ll take you on my feet,
Said you like movies, well let'***** the theater,
Your *** is cold in that dress, I got leather heaters,
Lucky Charm on my chest & my ’01 beaters,
Movie was great but you're not sleepy,
So we hit a nearby bowling alley,
Played a few rounds & it went by speedy,
Don't forget I have to drive back to the valley,
Take your *** home, maybe you'll tell me to come in,
& that'll be the finale…

[&]
But no, you wanted more,
The nerve of some women,
I just wanted to score,
There was no way I’d go home empty-handed,
But she was really taking everything for granted,
So what's next? At my cousin's spot, we landed,
Already three in the morning, I might leave this broad stranded,
I'm getting played aren't I?
But then she complimented my eyes & my patchy beard,
I know it's all a disguise but I wasn't ready to disappear,
It was too late & she was grinding my gears,
Two dates & an after party, not even a kiss on the cheek,
& her smile was so fake, it made me so weak,
She was so fake & I was so weak…

[OUT]
We got inside in an instant, yeah I'm special treatment,
Found a few of her friends, I swear she's a demon,
It's like she knew all along that they would be present,
So she played the "I'm gonna sleep at my girl's" card,
& I'm thinking how pleasant,
I got ****** over in the blink of an eye, you'd think I learned my lesson,

I didn’t.

I paid for her hookah & her Monster too,
& she didn't look twice my way, I feel like a monster too,
I got fed up so I told her I was leaving, she gave me a handshake,
I couldn't believe it, for ****'s sake, I'm so heated,
All I could take home with me is an empty pocket & a heart on the verge of break,
I don't know how I slept through the night, woke up wishing she would've flaked,
But she didn't because she knew what she was doing,
This wasn't brand new, my confidence was ruined,
& to top it all off, she ignored my every call & text,
Probably went on to the next,
Did the same with him, now we're both in wrecks,
I feel you my G, I feel the regrets,
I was never enough but who am I kidding?
She was master of the bluff,
My homies asked how my weekend was, man that **** was rough,
Looking back at when times were so tough,
& I got every girl in the world I could imagine,
I guess it all worked out in the end,
******* JASMINE.

@moesdeph ~ http://moesdeph.tumblr.com
mmohamadali94@gmail.com

Copyright © 2015 Mohamad M. Ali. All rights reserved.

Technology in upheaval my beer is full.

*** fills my mind with pheromones while half my hand goes limp.

I can’t feel, and nobody can feel me.

This perplexing relationship is mute resting in a lull.

I go away soon. My brain sees the afternoon and never more sooner do I go lunar.

It’s a language fight, who has the right, I might, with delight I entice the ever bloated fat cat with money scats coming from three throngs of bludgeoning

It’s turning into a symphony  you seeing me, me seeing me, you seeing you, you blowing who. ******* the dmca from the caves of *** filled futures of virus infected tri-elected future tumor leaders.

**** the breeders!  Heaters is what I have, ******* for the slave pit to go desolate into it, feeling the kit in it my slit, that which you lick. I hit and quit with quite the light of resolution and destitution upon your innovations of new year munitions.

It’s a ******* mind game, stop asking and stop doing the same.You have it [answers] in your hearts.

in this crazed business of flighty gods and flitty humans,
this trove of love need,
this two way street for persons blind in one eye
thus they can see you,
the one who loves them
only when they squint real hard,

well it is a far better thing

to be next them,
to be seen and be seeing
than have the
ceiling be your horizon,
a pillow oscar-acting as a long lost love,
cold sheets and space heaters each losing the battle,
for when the moment occurs that

loving usurps loneliness
even for a moment’s moment,

it is a far better thing you do
than you have ever done before

8:41pm

gardening time is here time to get the seed
clean up all the borders pulling out the ****
time to the get compost so the plants will grow
put them in the greenhouse till they begin to show
keep them nice warm turn the heaters on
then put them in the garden when all the frost as gone
time to mow the lawn cut it nice and neat
then sit down and relax on the garden seat

By Nabs

07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. Nightmare haunting my steps, as if it doesn't want to let me go.

Waking up was less dreadful than getting ready.

07.03 AM :
Turning the water knobs, was like an exorcism.
More aware, more awake, yet the blankness was still there. I wonder If today's the day.

The shower was cold as always.

I went out to fetch the towel, I never once looked at the mirror.

9.30 AM :
The first period was literature.
We're learning about the classic fairy tales. The teacher asked us for questions.

' Why does stories only tell about the fairest of them all?"

I managed to seal the questions back to where in belong.

9.55 AM :
The girl next to me received a crumpled paper ball.
She's very kind, and have the sweetest dimples.
As she reads, I can see her self esteem crumpling up, not unlike a paper ball.
I hugged her.
She asked, with hollowed voice, If I wanted to know what was written on it.

I shook my head, I already know what it is.
It's the same word, that still echoes in my world.

'FAT ***', was written on the paper.

12.30 PM :
Lunch was always a tiring affair.
Noisy chatters and baleful glare.
Distaste at how the line seems to never end.
Counting calories to pass the time.

Glancing at my wrist, deciding what food to eat based on the way my hands circle my wrist.

12. 34 PM :
Navigating cafeteria was even worse.
It's like avoiding the poisonous full course, that an assassin serve at you.
Bullying as a side dish, teenage drama as the main course, illusion of escape as the dessert.
The hustle and bustle of school life.

You are bound to accidentally consume that poisonous ****.

12.45 PM :
After I finished eating mashed potato and green beans, some hyenas approached me.
They clawed pleasantries and congratulated me.

"What for?"

"You are thin now! That's like so awesome! "

"But--"

"Also a friendly advice, I'd watch out for that mashed potatoes! Thinking about all that calories make me shudder!"

They walked away with a bounce on their feet, and howls so loud that all the others are staring at them curiously.
I am left bleeding out and nauseous at the encounter.

I clutched my stomach, feeling claustrophobic.

Desperately, trying to banish the thought of emptying my self.

12.59 PM :
The sound of flushing, hits my ear.
Shame crashed against me with doubled force.

I heave again. Body trembling.

The bell rang.

14.00 PM :
It's the last period for the day.
It was health class, and the teacher are telling us about the importance of food. That denying your self sustenance was equal to slowly killing yourself.
He looked at me, I pretend to not see.

Last week, a senior died of anorexia.
His body was too used of rejecting food that he couldn't accept their proposal again.
His stomach balked at the thought of getting back again.
He said goodbye to the world after 7 days of divorce.
The funeral was a messy affair.

I knew him.

15.00 PM :
I opened my locker,
Head spinning from all the people that approached me today.

They were people I barely know.
Congratulating me on losing my weight. Said I was prettier. Said I look good like this. Said I should keep being this way.
Asking me, what's the secret?

They all asked with a saccharine sweet smile on their face, as if it is a good thing.

As if being sick, is a success.

I wonder if they will still call me pretty when they see the bite marks on my knuckle.

15.20 PM :
On the way home I saw a burger joint,
my stomach was clawing for food but my mouth tasted like acid.

I wonder if drinking water will be enough to quench my hunger.

15.25 PM :
I passed a water puddle.

I saw a gaunt faced girl, with a pale complexion.
Her used to be lush hair turned lanky.
Her lips were literred with cuts and bite marks,  her eyes had faint purplish circle.
She looks so different from the person I used to know.

I continued my walk, trying to ignore the emptiness that had stayed in my bones.

16.30 PM :
My mother went into my room, when I was lying in my bed, counting my ribcage.
She looked at me, and a pained look crossed her face. I can see that she's holding back her tears.

She hugged me gently, as if afraid I will crumble with a touch.

I wanted to say that I wont turn into a wraith and vanish like my aunt, but I'm afraid it would be a lie.

"I'm getting better mom. Look here! I got more meat!," I said to my mom, hoping she believe the lie.

I know I'm turning fainter by the day.

She hugged me tighter, brushing my falling hair.

16.53 PM :
My mother left me her baked cookies, I nibbled on it. Wanting to stop being so starving. Ignoring the way my stomach want me to retch it.

I took another bite and count it as a success.

21.00 PM :
I stood in front of the mirror, that I had been avoiding for months, hoping to finally see my reflection.
Instead what I see was all the calories that I needed to burn,
The flaws that my body have,
And plans about not eating tomorrow.

I wonder if It's better to burn my self to ashes.

22.00 PM :
I went down stairs to grab some water.
I heard my mother crying to my father.
Said she's afraid I would vanish away from her.
Said she don't think she can take it any more.

Said she felt like she was cracking every time she sees me.

There were red gashes on her arm.

I swallowed the bile threatening to come out, ignoring how cold I feel despite the heaters on.

22.05 PM :
I smashed the mirror with my knuckle.
Rage and hopelessness was coursing my whole body. I let the tears and everything out.
The pain was sharp, and shards of glass were graced with my blood.

At that moment I saw my old self flashing in front of my eyes. So I kept punching the mirror until it is completely splintered. Shards of it was falling to the floor.

Satisfaction was addicting.

22.45 PM :
I went to sleep with gauze wrapped, still slightly bleeding, fist.
Blanket securely covering me, hoping the nightmares will not come today.

They did come, but they were nuzzling me.

07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. My fist throbbed.

On the fractured mirror was written,

OUT OF ORDER:
This mirror is distorted by socially constructed
ideas of beauty.

Get a new one.

(P.S: You look fine as always)

I envy modern arts
****** pigmented *******.

Watching blue waves of smoke roll off the heaters  blow
As I kiss you with my stale beer breath.

We are humans. Hydrogen and bonded.

By each moment.

Even as I chase you down for one last cigarette,
Vietnam is running out.

Our reflections on a brass doorknob .
A skeleton key would slowly turn each tumbler ..
Dusty pinewood flooring , antique trinkets ..
Propane space heaters and fresh coffee balm private , erstwhile collective memories . A matriarchs kitchen , well water aroma and cross stitched towels , her flour tinged cotton apron , cast iron skillets and brass tea kettle with porcelain service ushers spirited times of conviviality over a simple oak dining room table ..
Hand made breakfast nook curtains , the majesty of tall Water Oaks
with foraging bantam hens and roosters ..
Dirt roads would tell of visitors long before they ever arrived ,
fishing for shell crackers at the old bridge with cane poles and and dough ***** , leftovers from cat head biscuits at breakfast ...
Pecans and crabapples fed young anglers on shady Summer afternoons . Feeding tall grass to black angus and hereford cattle through barbed wire fence , collecting afternoon eggs and walking the furrows at Dusk ,
days I'll never forget ..

“22½ euros for a Martini,” Peter remarked, when he first scanned the menu.
“It’s not like we aren’t going to get them,” I said, “we’re not going to cheap our way to abstinence." The waiter came and I gave him my card, “Put that table on this card too, please,” (pointing to Charles’s table).

It’s a cool night in Paris and doof-doof music’s slammin’ from a stack of Mackie DJs. It’s about 53°f, but they have those umbrella heaters at every table and other heaters that blew warmer air on the dance floor (maybe not a great idea). Peter and I have a table on the terrace, out under a muted, light polluted starfield.

We danced, we debated the issues of the day, like, when will Taylor dump Kelcie and what were the best Oscar movies? (We chose ‘Poor Things’ and ‘Past Lives’). We ate Steak au Poivre with Red Wine Sauce and then we danced some more. We were having fun.

But when a party turns into ***** mayhem it’s time to leave - or is it? Watching the shadowy edges of things, I asked Peter, “It’s getting CrAzY, wanna go?”
“It’s just getting interesting,” he answered.
I squinted at him, was he serious? I couldn’t tell - martinis scramble my amygdala.
I decided to flow with it. “Ok, freak, get me another then.” I said, calling his bluff, and sliding my glass his way.
As he left for the bar, I glanced at my watch, 2am. It felt like 10 pm to us American east-coasters.

I looked around and Charles and Chinthia (Mrs.Charles) were laughing and chatting away.
‘You GO, old people,’ I thought - not unkindly.
Peter came back, two martinis in one hand, snapping pics with the other.
“Stop!” I barked, holding my hands up like I was fighting off paparazzi, “stop!”
I’ve learned things, like how, in early pics, when we arrive at a party, I look like Mary Poppins - but in end-of-party pix l look like Norma Desmond. Peter doesn’t see it  - but I do.

I sipped at my new drink - It tasted sour and bitter as sin - I made a face. Peter cackled like a villain in a low budget flick. “It’s a Winston Churchill,” he reported knowingly, “they were out of vermouth.”

When the bar runs out of vermouth, it means something. I pressed the walkie-talkie app on my watch and asked Charles, “You guys ready to go?” He didn’t look around but gave me a thumbs-up just before they rose.

My mom and (step)dad have joined us, at Grandmère’s, for this vacation. I was gleeful, at first, but it’s like my mom hasn’t noticed I’m not in high school anymore - that I grew-up in their three-year absence. I get pressed when she thinks I’m slouching, rearranged when my hair’s out of place and shown a pained, icy face if I order a martini.

She’s piercing the membrane of my privacy and expecting obeisance! I tried to explain it, like an adult. “There are multiple value systems,” I gently reminded her. My Grandmère even suggested Peter move into his own room. Luckily, Peter and my rooms adjoin and she put my parents on another floor (in the suite she grew up in).

I’m secretly afraid they’ll be up when we get in, that it’s 10pm for them too and I’ll get ‘the face.’ I told Charles about my situation and he said, “Look, she’s missed you, she’s just lavishing you with attention, she’ll relax,” but his oceanic optimism seems.. hopeful. We’ll see ??

The day breaks and the morning comes alive
The down and outs leave their luxurious trappings
The shop doorways are hosed down
The rush hour rushes by
Shop girls display tomorrow's must haves
Perfume lingers over the first hit of coffee
Gossip travels at high speed
Numb minding work begins
Old lady fidgets with new generation card
The war was easier she sighs
Kids try to sell you tomorrows version of yesterday's wheel
No catch up it seems in the technological world
Only the race to the bottom
Traders popping uppers invent the ten day week
Live for today, dollar tomorrow
Gold and sharp suits can’t hide the body crumbling
Clinics battery charge the fading hopefuls
New lease of life, the temporary meltdown
One born every minute
Evening drinks ***** the day from hell
Home time sets tomorrow's doom alarm
The night people emerge
Shop doorway heaters blowing, provide luxury
Last weeks paper catches his eye
He immediately goes to stocks and shares
Things are looking great
Just as he predicted
The twenty four year old drifts off to sleep, smiling thoughts of yesteryear
Those were the days
Those were the days.

I stumble into the dark house
holding a clothes basket and a backpack
and marvel at how strange it is to be back.
after two weeks in a warm place
my short-covered legs are cold enough
that i'm fearing mid-summer frostbite,
and in the quest to prevent that,
i see the small things i'd never notice-
everything vaccuumed, swept, mopped and washed,
all electronics- off,
my brothers room- clean,
mine- barren,
the heaters- dusted,
cobwebs- gone,
bathrooms rugs and towels- matching,
the mirror- clean of toothpaste splatter,
and the bathroom counter empty.
I smile as i change into pants
thinking about how empty this house is
without me;
how empty it will be-
without me



©Brandon Webb
2012

Planes roar above,
Cars burn through streets,
Fridges and Heaters hum through
us.

When you’re addicted to
Metal & Concrete,
silence is a privilege.

Two Anna's hummingbirds, dance at the door
under the pane, in a mid-morning pour
whispering winds, voices through chimes
a whimsical picture, woven in rhyme

Perched on a limb (just a few yards back)
a pileated pecker, with breast of black!
foraging sparrows, partners in crime
picking out seeds from conical pine

A weighted blanket, and dark roasted brew
sipped on a rocker, with the daily news
the stream keeper watching, fluttering high
dipping and darting, at (wild) passers-by

Baseboard heaters, comfort the room
four months to go, to the April bloom!
the afternoon passes, in dense gray fog
a sliver of sunshine, catches a log

Into the evening, a soft glowing light
gusts on the water, gulls take flight
crows at a distance, nestled in trees
branches swaying, to a south-east breeze

Patterns of nature,  the rhythm runs deep
“those rich forest gems, to the soul they will creep”
an archway to heaven, with guiding raccoons
look over yonder…the quiet tan moon!

A winter night tale

Painted world, winters cold
Turning white, roses fade.
Dying fire ,fading light,
stolen dreams ,Awaiting sight.


shivering bones, frozen tears,
longing still ,sun light.
sidewalk house, cardboard box,
Freezing death, Awaiting sight.


Sleeping warm ,heaters on,
blankets bright,Held tight
burning fire, Dreaming dawn.
Tears gone, winter warm.

nights gone,Day born
Frozen death, Winters harm
Blankets Warm,Spared one
Worthy fight, Winters migh

Early Morning Thought's Haunt Agian,
How Are You Feeling,
1-10
A Little Bit Sick,
****,
There's No Medicine,
Nor Cure,
Fears Lethal,
Injecting Placebo Needles,
In Inncoent People,
All Authority & Other Men,
I Thought We Were Equal,
Trust Is An Illusion,
Goverment Loves Evil,
They Real Bad With The Flag,
Grabbin That Egeal,
Enough Is What I've Had,
Were Not Trash,
Stop Back Stabbin The People,
Honestly We Don't Wanna Be,
Mondern Way Slaves
Souls Precious So Smegal,,
These Days Display Slaughtering Sequals,
Sippin From The Tip Of The Last Cup,
Where Did My Tea Go,
Won't Mask Up,
No Disquise ,
Meet My Eyes,
When It's Time To Fly,
Remember The Stare ,
Tremmbling Glare,
Intriging Guy,
Are You Feeling Okay,
No, I Thought So,
Let Me Know , Why,
Were Similar A Alike,
We Wanna Feel Okay,
Secure , Safe,
Make It Threw The Night,
I've Been In The Dark So Long
House Lights Aint Bright,
Dim From The Grim,
Face Shakes ,
Hey My Chin,
Skin Ripping Like My Shins In Condition ,
Cold Winds,
Myster Told,
I've Been Alone , Aching Bones,
Blistering Blizzard Snow,
Lets Take A Flight Tonight To Rome,
After My Show,
Just To Show Our Pretty Eyes,
What's Possible,
Plottin On Forgottin Fuel,
Ew Obsticales, Lot's Of Those,
The Way I Spit Real ****,
Gets Me Lots of Hoes,
I Don't Attend To Their Hunger Needs,
They Don't Give Affection,
They Beg For Things,
I'm Making Cheese,
My Own Kind,
Spazzing All The Time,
Cracked My Spine,
If Acid In Your Back Is A Myth,
Then Why When It Pops,
I'm Lost High As ****,
3rd Eye Pirate Fist,
Twitch Iron Fish,
My Life Is Twister In Winter Midst,
Tree's That Breathe Release Of Sin,
Chosen One 3rd Son,
13 Candles Lit,
Black Robes,
Back Rodes,
Phantom Sits,
That Rope,
666 Notes,
333 Oaths,
A Cat, Candle Black,
Blood Bath & A Ghost,
Letter Inside A Sweater ,
Mr. Cap Crow,
Train Tracks Split,
Deep ****,
Holding On To This
All I Hear Is Hiss,
I Wanna Get Lost In Zen ,
But Cant Sit For 10 Mins,
HyperAware,
Sniperlike Stare,
No Money , You Hungry , No Problem
I'll Share,
Don't Sleep In The Street,
Heres A Bed With Clean Sheets,
You Can Lay There
I'm Hurt So I Care,
Home Is Somethin I Don't Know,
Where,
Majority Of My Life,
Especially At Night,
I Am There,
Feeling Satan Sensations,
Shaking ,
Hard To Bear,
Empty All Alone,
I Am Scared
Becoming Stone,
All Knowing Tones ,
Ringing Like A Phone,
Intuion Avatar,
Answers In My Bones,
Today I Crawled Out Of My Bed,
Listening To All My Guilt,
That Built Stuilts InSide My Head,
Tought Walking Tall,
I'm Walking Small,
Don't Wanna Walk Again,
Need To Hurry Put This Gun Down,
And Throw These Blades Out,
Hey Now Hold On ,
Somebodys Walking In,
I Hung A Sign Please Knock,
Humans Forgot What They Meant,
I've Been Actiavting With Hatred I Hate It,
I Save And I Cave In,
Immortal Pact,
Time Cant Earase It,
Steady With The Pen,
I Bleed For A Hug My Mother,
uggh I Cant Take It,
I Swallow My Spit, Stand Up , Sit Try To Shake It,
Little Me, Literally Be Sizziling Like Some Backon,
Real Skills Have Taken,
Channelin Awaken,
Time Don't Exist,
Scars On My Wrist Inscist It's Mine For The Taking,
I Spread My Shreaded Wings,
And Reach For A Mystery,
Question For My Creator
List Of Things,
Are You Missing Me Like I Miss My Mom,
Grandma My Life Is Missing Things,
I Need You Both To Hold Me Close,
I Love You, Uggh I Know Yall Know,
Our History Is Pain & Mold,
I'm At Fault
Wont Let It Go,
Forgive My Self,
That's A No,
You Stayed And Prayed ,
Amazed You Both Didn't Let Me Go,
My Mother And Grandma Are Real Angels,
Incredible,
Stings When I Feel The Rush,
Cant Go Back In Time To Redo Things,
I ****** It Up,
Compromising
Darkness Rising,
I Got Real Tales,
That Can Make You Shiver,
Buckle Up, Grab Your Liver,
Hair Sliver,
What I Got Is By The River,
What I Feel And Felt,
Cannot BeA Erased,
I'm A Ghost Living In A Humans Race,
Passing Threw With A Very Netrual Face,
I Don't Wanna Be Alone,
Girl Stay,
Not So I Can Feel Your Love,
Just So You Can Feel The Space,
A Terrifying Void,
I Cant Avoid,
Been Dealing With My Demons,
Since Cleanin My Toys,
Young As Hell Just A Boy,
Everday I'm Ageging Decaying Making Noise,
In The Mirror Trancing Threw My Flesh Feautures,
How Come Death Becomes Our Best Teachers,
Yall Got Friends And ***,
Hot Shots And Bleachers,
I  Got Ghost Rabbies ,
Mold ,
Cold And Reapers ,
Distrught Fist Got Heaters,
I've Pist Off Preachers,
Aliance Giant ,
Invisible Creatures,
Thoughts Prjoecting Vibes,
That Change The Out Side,
Brain Changes With In Single Minute 100 Times,
I'm In It Till Finish,
Then I Diminish ,
My Physical Immage,
4th Dimenision,
Duality
Miracles, Fatailty
Pay Attention,
Darkest Night,
Lightest Day,
Balanced Out Talent Ouch, Legend Ways,
I Cant Be Saved,
I Recieved A Letter From Amaru  ,A Congradulate,
Your Still Going This Long ,
Have Yet To Suffocate,
It Takes Strong One To Reach This Date,
Espically When Your Hungry ,
And Ran Out Of Plates,
Or Food And Passion Fruit,
And Truth To Face,
Thoughts Rain All Day,
When The Sun Turns Black ,
Ill Be Back , To Have Your Back,
Mom, Grandma You Are Heaven,
It's 11 Tip My Hat,
You Gave Me Something Long Enough,
I'm Not Strong Enough To Give It Back, Rough,
Hard To Fathom Or Get That,
I Understand, I Stand Under Where Ever You Sit At,
Ima Demon With Demons,
No Sick Act,
****** Rose,
Thick Pact,
Living Like I'm Blind,
My Mind Likes Living In The Past,
Not Me Though,
Ya See Yo,
I'm Encyrpted Scripted With Evol,
Love From Me Is Urgently,
I Love To Strong For Way To Long,
Emergency ,
Oblibvous Pyro,
I'm Burning Things,
Savage With That Black Magik,
Turing Rings,
Listen To That Sermin Sing,
Not Again,
Heaven Will Not Let Him In,
I've Completely Burned My Wings
Pople Who Are Close To Me Are Pure Loving And Searching Dreams,
I'm The Monster Hurting Non Deservingly,
Purgtory Orders Me,
Accordingly,
Never Ending,
Hell Bending
Immortal Surgery,
I Turn To The Leak In Me,
That Gold Freuquency,
That Tried To Speak & Teach Me Things,
I Went Off On My Own Path,
Made My Own Relgion My Own Craft,
Consuquences Exist I Admit ,
I Own That,
I've Tooken,
This Farther Than A Drone Can,
Spirtual Teachers Cant Believe Thier Eyes
I'm Living Proof
I am Who Is Due To Die,
I See With With Middle Perception,
Human Eyes Do Lie,
I Hold Ages Of Prophecy,
Which Obviously Takes A Life Time,
Really Listen, Peep My Tight rymes,
Cause The Right Line You Can Realte To,
Perhaps Could Save You,
Ive Made You A Life Line,