he has two faces:
one faces me and the other faces the mirror
wrapped in a veneer of soft skin
across a chasm of buried memory and the pacific ocean
that i cannot yet traverse
hidden behind a veil of broken glass
transparent enough to let some light in yet opaque at the same time
the shards pierce my fingers
blood spills in the absence of control
and freezes with
a knowing distance that dances around the wrath of time
how do i cross the breach?
for the turn of time
for the unleashing of emotion
for the healing that must happen
then and only then can i pour the resinized love i have into the cracks
and have it solidify into something permanent
in loving you, every memory that i have of myself has dissolved into nothingness
coffee in the morning is no longer sufficient why
has my head become a globe that can barely balance on its tiny pedestals?
in my solipsistic dreams somehow i can see your silhouette
even in the solace of my slumber you still manage to penetrate my inner most and intimate thoughts
like a shadow
that strays from the light
particles that amass and then leave again
the daisy to my gatsby-esque ideals of romance and hope
shaky visuals brought on by a familiar melody that conjures a memory that has given me stockholm syndrome
you are the captor but i
i am a willing victim
if hannibal lecter could dine on his friends, you can have me as dessert
and it wouldn't matter, for my life
has till this moment, been devoid of the one thing everybody seeks
love, in all its permutations and essence.
wrote this after falling in love for the very first time and getting my heart broken because of it
you laughed. laughed heartily while we were at your garage getting drunk on happiness. at some point I picked your gasoline up and I began to douse myself with it.
your hands didn't stop me at first. in fact you were amazed that I was even doing that in the first place. after twenty minutes you had a Zippo in your hand and you set me aflame.
I revelled in your fire. I relished it like no other.
after a while you got bored of me. seeing the same old flame burn was way too monotonous for you
yet you said nothing and just watched while I continued pouring your gasoline on my bodice.
I realised that you had stopped lighting me.
I asked why.
there was no reply, only, "I am not worthy of you." in quiet hushed tones.
I missed your fire.
I grabbed your Zippo and set myself alight, but again you only watched and it did not feel the same.
there was no warmth in self-inflicted burns, and your eyes seemed to wander.
here i am, cinders of that one time, and still I wish you would set me alight again.
you have started a fire in me that will never die, but even as I feel it singe my insides, I take it as a reminder of your presence in my life, and I cherish it.
you can set me ablaze with just your eyes; on some days I am a forest fire and others, cinders by your fireplace
people say gravity holds you down, and for me, you are my gravity
sometimes I feel like outer space, vastly unexplored and misunderstood but when you came into my life I became an open book.
you made me feel like I belong.
I was uncharted territory but now I'm on your maps and frankly it has never felt so good to be found.
you are fire and death, gravity and the stars, and despite this, I still love you.
I think I'm in love
stop all the clocks
i am sick of hearing every tick-tock, chime or screech of a rooster.
stop all the clocks
a piercing scream and a shot in the dark
dead bodies found
no need to remind me of how fragile life is
I spend most of my time craving death
it's a lot like craving your lips but not having them
52 weeks in a year
every time you celebrate your birthday is one more year gone
abyss, swallowing up your existence
evanescent, just like him
every minute passing is a minute inching closer to death
some say death is ascending to heaven but how would you know heaven is paradise?
how would you know that god isn't the devil divided and heaven isn't really a sugar coated hell?
time is but a shadow, shrouding us, controlling us
stop all the clocks, I implore you
i haven't written in forever, and it's not because I don't remember how, but because it pains me to think of you.
you - a spoke on my wheel of life, threatening to break on some days and permanently attached on other days
you - a fire burning, relying on the splinters you tear off from my love
you - evanescent, quaking, waiting for me to change pace
you - a pair of goggles sinking to the bottom of a pool because you are passing out of sight
you - that empty medicine cabinet I open at midnight to find that I've finished every last anti-depressant and the only thing left is my sadness staring me in the face.
raw and breaking
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
*stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends