while I shove sleep
      to the dark corner
i slip more
hard caffeine
through my blooded canals
and ponder

how

the cotton cloth'd
and pastel'd world
now opens up
before me

I've always thought
        myself a ship
With all others
        caught in my wake
My life, a black hole
        a gaping vortex
There is no hope of escape
        
And I the captain
        drunk at the wheel
There might as well
        be icebergs
I hope to god
        this journey ends
I'm tired of the wreckage

With time on my wrist
It now creeps
Crawls, not cruises

Slow moving sap of
Eternity marching onward
Forward little ants, forward

Such small life
What can I
Possibly
Change?

And as I stood
Clothed in my shame
The monster I'd created
Was me
Was mine
And
The most difficult part
Was turning to the mirror
Looking into my eyes
And realizing
There was no Jekyll
There was no Hyde
There was just me

Grip the wheel
         Hold Fast
Waves will crash
         Hold Fast
Take your time
         Hold Fast
This too, shall pass
         Hold Fast

Match me in fire
Match me in pain
And if my heart stops
Bring me back
Let's change where we've been
What we've been
Us
To roam and find that all along what we both sought
Was present in the mirror of the other
The same, but completing
Match me
Match me in desire
To hide away in the church of Shakespeare's beast
A sanctuary of naked truth
Unclothed worship
Amen and Hallelujah
Private Bacchanalia
To praise us
Match me
Match me
Save this soul

I fear you
Hyde hiding in plain sight
Jekyll murdered by his creation
His ambition
Gone the way of the monster
Victor's supposed victory

My mind is like mud
   slow, sliding down
      a
         H
               I
                     L
                           L

I feel like
      my brain
and all the
      canyons
are being filled
      with

   memories
I
don't
want

Music knows me.
Knows my struggles and victories
My passions and prospects, promising
Music knows me
Understands the lies I hide in a cyclical shell game
As I try to hustle life
My attempted con on the universe
Because fear is perpetual these days
And I must escape life's lidless gaze
Penetrative exposure of deception
Because life is played out in music
I can fake a tune
Can fake an answer to,
"How are you doing today?"
But music knows me
Knows I have nothing

                 -i'm fine

If there is a thin line
Between love and hate
There must be a thick one as well
And on that uncaring hill
I built my tower for you

Creeping guilt
Haunting shame
Liquid burn
Checking out now
When my mind won't slow
Distilled rye
Filling the gray canyons, the crevices
Pulsing, swimming fire
Hopes that this poison
This pleasure
Will scorch
And end
This madness

She twists my name
In a welcome greeting
The lilt, a pleasant change
To an oft' heard word
And when my thoughts
Boil and steam my being
That crooked name
She calls out
And reels me back to sanity

Every noise slithers 'cross
My ear drums with
The cool slickness of a
Sandpaper serpent
My skin pulled tight
'Cross my raw nerves
Nerves
Stretched stiff as a drum skin
Upon which beats this
Percussive tattoo of wild instinct
I clamp my eyes, vice-like
"Please let me wake"
But no
In this misty dream realm
I remain tethered, chained
Stuck in a sarcophagus
               of
Strangled Silence

My feelings leak
Through this hand, through this pen
My feelings crave
For reprieve, for an end
To echoed voices
And venomous critics

But maybe
Not
Today

I used to think I was messy broken

Let me explain

Like a stray rock,
chipped from a bat in some sandy back lot
Through a window
Now shattered

Through. Done. Finished.

My splintered little pieces scattered to the winds
And me, running after those small bits
Like they were loose handouts in a windy parking lot
Scrambling to catch hold of
My life
My dignity
My sanity
My love

But

The only way to amend
Is complete replacement

For I am now irreparable

The serpent, slow and winding
Rears its fanged head
As it again constricts the
Leaps and bounds
Of this Shipwrecked Heart

Take life
              s l o w

Move like thickened molasses
I slip step by step
'cross the thinned ice
Testing for the cracks
Gaping holes that lead
To my icy end
This slouching snail'd pace
Comes from past life
My bones still chilled
From former submersion

Take life
              s l o w

Some are more wild
The will to fight life and its control
Some are more beautiful
To others' eyes
To others' desires
Some are more wounded
Carrying past penetrating pain
Pulling powerfully, preventing prayer
Some are more watchful
Gazing so intensely
Their own life is rooted on patches of blind earth
Some are more
Than life
Than love
Some are more
Some are more...

I ventured forth, again into the musty canyons
The dark, dank space that is
My past
Or more specifically
Ours.

A perusal reveals:
Hats in boxes, brims unmet by sun in ages
Creased shirts, bands' crests emblazoned bright
Clever titles scrawled in sharpie on silent CDs
And everything coated with brown hair
Crooked and curled as the smile
That I wear presently
Upon this journey

Upon further inspection:
Percussive rhythms, beats tattooed
Into slick skin
A laughing afterthought of intimacy
A private joke shared between us
Among many

The messy box:
Conversations held hostage by anger
Fueled on one side by deceit and fury at the world
While the other fights a war, at another's side: alone
Confusion racking both
Where once there was naught but desire
To care, protect, discover, and journey
Hijacked, a spoiled child upending a puzzle
That his insolence will never allow him the
Solace
Of completing

And the box that releases a torrent of whispers upon opening:
My name
Hands on knees, rage relieved in an instant
Your laugh
At my protruding tongue, a face fraught with focus
Poetry, lilted and simple
About the charm in how I climb stairs

Ending with the lessons:
To seek patience; with the large, and especially the small
To love fully; as they say, time flies
To face fear; naked honesty will conquer this
To rely on; there is no shame in support
To...

The grit of clenched teeth
Overcome by the solace of
Framed reality
I descend the shaking ladder
Leaving behind this echoing forrest
Mist clouded with
Shared impassioned melodies
I have sorted and cleaned enough
I will revisit from time to time

But. In practicing honesty:

I am a living memory of you

For as a sculptor
Slow and methodic with the clay
You have shaped and molded
My very being
And all can see
Your impassioned mark on me
A testament to kindness
Tried, and true

I am a living memory of you

For as a sculptor
Slow and methodic with the clay
You have shaped and molded
My very being
And all can see
Your impassioned mark on me
A testament to kindness
Tried, and true

Most days I forget

That I have black ink marking
The top
Of my thigh

But the days I remember

I touch the
Thickened five stripes
Separate, just below this mark

Reminding me
That the insanity of a past self
Craved the caress of
Sharpened
Metal
More than the memory
That mark
Created

I interpret your every move
Twitch your eyes and
Speak volumes
Smile and tilt your head back
Laugh with a honeyed tongue
A tongue to taste
A tongue to bite

Manhattan is a symphony
Directed by her laugh
And the lines that trace her battle scars
Begin to fade at last

My Sylvia, you've fought a war
With more life yet to go
But I battle the same demons, dear
Please know you're not alone

The azure horizon
Stretching, grasping at infinity
Sings some song of promise
A welcome melody to the
Ancient aches
And creaking
Of my soul
With damp grit to guide me
And
The waves' whispers of hope

****, ****, ****, ****
Fuzz through the brain
Zapping pain
Through icy passages of panic
Swell, flow, overflowing
With pain, doubt, hate, anger
****
Breathe in, Breathe out
Think about the seat
The air, it's cold
My ears ring
Count from 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Walls are getting closer, life squeezes
God's cruel fist crushes
Air from my lungs
Thoughts from my brain
LET ME ******* GO
Why am I so broken and insane sometimes?
The ocean draws near in my ears
The shore creeps close, the tide stalks through my canals
Air, water, rushing, getting louder
Pounding, ******* pounding

Someone save me please.
                
                                -the claustrophobic mind

Obsessively focused on black ink swimming from my pen
Keep me floating in this storm
When writing stops, this craft sinks into the frothing waves
Poseiden's domain, beckoning.
Compelled to cling, to coping that only works temporarily
For this well now springs forward only from time spent held back
Dammed up, concrete walls held strong, but defective
This flood
This Flood
THIS FLOOD
I flee, not fight, furtive failings of final flips into the film
Thin membrane, now breached and spilling
Oh god why can't I stop this?
Oh god why can't YOU stop this?
I am done.
Despite dealing with doom, with despair
How strong the maelstrom I now succumb to

Alliteration isn't cheesy
Not for me.
When I use words to stave off the clutching squeeze of
A panic attack
I can write:

"There is pressure on my chest and I feel anxious."
or
"Pain presses me into purgatorial prayers."

Alliteration becomes the stutter into which I
Skid to a stop

Re-listening to this music
To find some hidden melody
And rip meaning from its depths

When those tired sad songs
Twist to melodies of love
That's when you know
You're in trouble

Just a glance paints a picture
Images of some other era
Non-existent ideas
That maybe laughed, wept
Danced
Steam rising from slick skin
The starlight illuminating us
Perhaps we found unexplored places
Dined on fabulous food
Lived
Fought
Loved
But.
Here we are
In this circle of broken people
So just a glance
Lets me imagine

All the hijacker does is scream
And it is enough.
Blisters burn the brain until
A rancid tinnitus
Washes through my canyons, flooding everything
Total destruction
A later me may find small shells
Evidence that at some point
I lived
I fought
I existed
But for now, I go the way of the dinosaurs

I need some space
I need some help
I need to put
Thoughts on the shelf
They circle round
My ferris wheel
Dark memories
And fear I feel

The wind that shakes
the willow tree
That slowly bends
the rods and reeds
My iron bones
and sulphured soul
The roots grow fast and deep

I twist, I give
I stretch and flex
The bark, it groans
from sweet duress
I crave your touch
your whispers' true
Oh blow now, through my leaves

The sweet wine
Passed
Your lips to mine
Breathe
You into me
The wild fire
Called
Our passion
Salted skin
Quickened pulse
Heavy breath
Curved flesh
With
Two
Heart
Beats

I dream
Of you and your failed attempts to reach me
And I relish
At the thought that in my righteous anger

I
could make
you love me
again.

I awake
Saddened by the reality of a world absent you
And dreams slipping swift through my fingers
As sand

For one day
When I have more creases from too many smiles and frowns
I’ll think of you
And I’ll weep
Because I’ll remember how much this version of myself

Craved
and ached
for your touch.

But for now

To sleep

and

To memories.