I will not be with you forever.

It’s a simple truth many do not wish to hear, we may split apart in life due to differences of any kind, our bodies may fail us, only for our spirits to be separated for all eternity.

But no matter what happens, a part of me will always love you, and I know this. You’ve wrapped yourself so tightly into me, and I didn’t notice. How?
I will never know how, when I had pushed my walls up higher than they had ever been. If a prince could not love me then what good was I to anyone else. I had given up until you convinced me to try.

I don’t miss you like I feel I should, I know I am broken but I hate it, it is not fair on you. Should love be suffering? I’m not sure, I never have been sure.

I develop crushes, I watch tv shows – all to distract myself from the thought of you, the thought of loving so deeply again.

Please understand that I do not understand, but I theorise it is because I am terrified of losing myself. I’m scared of splitting into pieces that I can’t stick back together because ****, the last time I loved, oh the last time I loved I gave my entire self in all its forms and it wasn’t enough.

But I’m trying to make sure you stay, because, without you, I’d be so lonely and lost. I am trying to communicate and...

I'm sorry.

My skin begs me daily to care for it
Microscopic mouths yawning for moisture.
I ignore the voices and
laugh into my fourth slice of pizza.

I am trying to eat healthier.
But instead I just
Shower and hope
The mouths stay silent.
They’ve been screaming a while though…

So here we are, just you and me. On the edge of everything and nothing, we sit staring out into the ocean of things we wish we’d done.

We hold hands, it’s a formality. I’m scared. You soothed my anxiety, because even though I was scared of you, I knew everyone else was too.

I miss making you coffee in the morning, I wish I’d loved YOU more. You always had that massive mug with two teabags or two tablespoons of coffee.

I wish your family and I could have worked. Please don’t think for a second I didn’t try. Most of my time spent at yours was on eggshells, the ones they had placed.

I miss our first year, your second. Remember that? We were so silly and full of joy. Gimmick Puppets, Plants. You and your stupid trenchcoat that ended up smelling awful no matter how much you washed it. Your long hair was nice. I liked it. It framed your smile that was as bright as the Sun that set in the West over Zephyr’s strawberry field.

The light sank in your eyes the more you were with me. I drained you, I knew that. I stayed. I lied. You didn’t trust me anymore.

I’m happy, admittedly lonely. But I know you’re happy, scared but happy. It’s always been my job to appear, do what I must (whether I know what that is or not) and watch over. The bear finds another like him, and as I remember mentioning a few times, as we lounged lazily on the sofa with our cereal, playing every bit the monsters others cast us out to be;

What on Earth is a bear doing with an angel?

We were sat in a corridor
Two ciders beside you and
Empty space with me.

You looked me in the eye
In the midst of a conversation
I love you - said with a laugh

Without realising it
My eyes lit up.
I hate that.

You're teaching me the meaning
Of cheapening your words.

But you still ask what I think.
You ASK about my thoughts and views

not many people do that
So I forgive you.

I thought I was done with princes -
royalty and pompous nature
Once again I'm wrong.

You demanded that I leave you
The puzzle
Alone.

But why do you stay?
Why do you stay and ask?

You and I are alike, I'm sure
and if you want me to leave
show me the truth, show me I'm wrong.

Because if you are me
I think you're just scared of opening up
Scared of being hurt.
True, I may hurt you.

You have no rhyme or reason to trust me
All I can do is wait for a chance-
And ask that you let me in to try.

My friends were already far, but someday I had hoped they'd be here. This was a good country but now all the friends I DID have here are running away as fast as their money and work can carry them.

But I must stay. It isn't logical to go just yet.

You have taken something so valuable from me, in an age where loneliness is an epidemic, where suicides are rising, depression consuming the young faster than the plague ever did.


I was already alone.
You have made it worse.

Beauty is draining from the world at an alarming rate...

Nothing means anything anymore.

*** is just a past time and not an expression of anything, trust or otherwise.

Words mean little, often biting and cruel

Society has grown jaded and water is thicker than blood.

Family keep secrets and speak not to each other, but to the masks each has created.

Friends are not true and often hard to find....

Loneliness is an epidemic, and no one cares enough to find the cure.

We never got to be teenagers together,
because by that time, I was gone.
I needed to be, or I would have been forever
but leaving you behind was painful.

You bullied me, but I held faith that it was just you being a kid.

But we never got to be teenagers,
doing the simple things like sitting next to eachother on the sofa
I wanted to be there after your first kiss, to gossip over boys.
I want to share a drink, a joint, a tattoo, with you.

I do miss everyday...

We never even got to be kids..

Cigarette smoke made
Your mouth taste like ash so
I dug deeper into your throat to find an
Approximation of honesty, caked in filth and motherhood.
You would bow down before the wrong masters and yet consider yourself mine...
And a good master protects his pet, respects his pet, Listens to his pet.
Do not approach me with apologies that are late and I will not approach with the same.

You haven't had your first love yet,
I dread the day that you do.
Because I'm afraid I might lose you - love breaks, changes and twists any soul.

I can't protect you from the world because otherwise...
you can't learn - we won't be on the same page.

I need you strong.

A war is coming and I hope to see you by my side.

I knew you had a princess
you told me day one.

What you didn't say is how wonderful she is
how talented and how nothing I could do measured up to the
beauty she is, creates and masters.

Her womanly elegance far surpasses my freckled childlike wonder
and I look at what I can never be, and I won't change for you.
I did that before and it shattered me.

Love has never been my role, mine is
one of the long game, of guardianship.
A light to lead the way home.

I see now, that she's yours.

I've been mocked and laughed at
Because of my power complex.
I like to feel in control,
I must see, feel, know , hear all.
When I do, I feel on top of the world.

I used to vent this through the stage,
commanding an audience with my partners in crime.
Now it's through my speeches, and my ambition.

I just want people to know ,that it's not always bad.
This is what drives me, my rage, my ambition
To fight for those who deserve justice,
To serve a cause greater than my own by twisting the threads to make it so

Your soul calls out to me, did Lethe make us forget? Who we were to each other?
Who are you?

It matters not, I reached you too late and our souls entwine, fingertips brush.. but I can never cross the ocean between us.

Despite all my words, all my 'wisdom' - my temper gets me into trouble.

I told you I wasn't good.
I told you that people would fail you, we both knew.
Yet you opened up because we asked and it was a crack, a slither of who you are.

But it was enough, it was enough.
I'm sorry I failed you. You should never trust anyone - but I wanted to be one of your exceptions.

There's a spot next to you,
and I desperately want to be there.
I'm so tired, I've not been sleeping well.
The fridge hums gently, and the flats around us slowly awaken from drunken stupor - but you? You stay.

As always, I watch to keep away the demons. Even if just for a day, you deserve this rest more than I.

I love the smell of orange most.
It doesn't go well with purple,
but it represents everything I am not.

I make up for my lack of sunshine by wrapping it around me,
a neckerchief in any season.
I cover up the cracks that leak blue, the scent of
the sleepiest lavender.
I'd rather be gold, a heady sharp awakening - compared to the wispy breeze that settles on my shoulders.
I am tired of sleeping when I'd rather be citrus, shining.

I hope that this doesn't last forever
and I get used to fully being alone.

I hope I forget how nice it is to be touched,
to be held, to be desired.
I hope I forget and never remember.

Because I can't do this anymore.
I sleep too much, I don't eat,
I hate the way I look (more so).

I'm jealous but bordering on envious.
I want to be what people want me to be
but I am not going to compromise what little of me I have left.

So please, if anything that has the power to help is listening....

I don't want to do this anymore.

Focus on her breathing,
the way he tenses,
afraid to lower walls for anyone.
My thoughts race, but I keep repeating;

I am here now
I am determined to cherish this, to preserve this moment.

I stroke her hair ever so gently,
a hand on his arm as a firm promise.
Now it's just us, and the music.
We breathe together in quiet understanding.

Even if just for a moment,
we are here now.

Oh Dionysus.
How I miss you,
but your blood....gives me anxiety.
It makes people hate me, I can't stand to be
alone.

I can't say I don't miss dancing with you
But it's not much of a party with just the two of us.
No one else is willing to dance for long.

There was a time where you were,
my only friend
and you would smile and take me in your arms while
I sobbed and enjoyed the haze of your being.
I in turn, worshipped you. Even if research, candles and hymns, libations of your own blood and my perfume could hardly be enough.

It's all I have, my lord.

While I miss the roiling, twisting madness of your magnificence
I shouldn't be there.
I want to be, desperately
but I pick up a bottle and look at myself in disgust and shame.
It's not you, it's me.
This is far from a disillusionment of gods.
I will still dance, my lord, just perhaps not as closely as before.

You don't make it easy.

I'm not an easy person to be around.
I make that clear.
Still, they shrug it off going, I'm sure you're not that bad.
No, I am.

I have cheated, I am abrasive, argumentative, opinionated and spiky

But everyone likes me when I have some use
And that, at times, breaks me.

You said if you could have it your way,
you'd sleep in a coffin,
confined space is home for you.

Or is it because death could call at any moment,
and even at your final breath - being an inconvenience is unthinkable.

You said you fear for the one you love,
and how much her heart would break if you left.
You really care for her? "Yeah, yeah I really do."

I'd protect her with my life,
just so you'd keep smiling.

You said that you worry that you're a burden,
even when you light up the room with your soul,
Sunlight turns to moonlight with few - Melancholy Prince.

I'd smash your insecurities but I worry you'd become arrogant,
because with all the chips and flaws that you are so keen to notice...

I think you're beautiful.

Depression can be found coiled tightly around my heart
Tugging on the strings to evoke painful memories.
Things that could have been,
Of dreams that can never be real.

Depression can be found in the mirror,
mocking my body for how it’s all wrong,
fat in places, there shouldn’t be.
Roundness where there should be angles.

Depression can be found in nature
where the beauty or lack thereof,
reminds me of how it isn't 'home'.
The stars don’t shine here.

It is always overcast.

I sit watching over the people I love most
And suddenly I feel like who I was again.

The prince, it seems, has learnt to trust me.
His eyes are closed and a smile plays upon his face
Even in sleep he lights the world around him and I wonder
how anyone could not see (and love) his beauty,
bursting forth in luminescent colour that masks his own insecurities.

I knew she trusted me
And in return, I protect her with everything I have
While she loses her senses, I catch her , feed her.
Makes sure she sleeps easy and awakens in time to
rush haphazard along into the life I am unable to fix.

My friend that mirrors me, curls around her.
He fogs his mind so he doesn't have to think
in the times when he cannot sleep.
His smile isn't real, simply a mask.
In the dark, I see his eyes glint in worry.

Helplessly, I watch over them.

I do not come to you with the usual platitudes
Things you have heard numerous times before
Though perhaps my arrogance stretches far and these words have reached your ears many a time.
How am I to know.

I would ask you, to save me.
There is no need to take any action, just keep shining.
You taught me, or rather, finalised the lesson - when my fathers should have - that you can be as fantastical as you want to be. You do not grow old, your body does.

Thank you for reminding me that I'm still growing and that there is Hope for me.

But if your light were to go - I suppose I would still live - but life would be so much darker.

Thank you for smiling when you can - I of all people know there are rainy days.

I'm looking for a Lily,
have you seen them?
They've probably grown much since
I saw them last.
I don't even know their name.
If you see them, tell them I miss them
and the beat of their hummingbird heart.
Their cackling laugh and warm hands.
If you see them, tell them a rose misses them.
We used to sleep in the same flowerbed,
but perhaps one should let sleeping flowers lie.

Dear Aphrodite,
I think I'm done.
I'm done with all this pain
neither of us have much to gain if I am left broken,
because how will I worship you?

If I must love again - can I be strong enough to to lose them?
I can't lose anyone else, I am done and I'm sorry but...

I

am


done.

Oh Prince of Ice,
release my heart from your cold grasp.
I’d follow you anywhere, yet you serve to remind me
Of my shortcomings, my losses and loves.
You are indeed, temptation.
A reminder of how I’ve made people suffer.

What I wouldn’t give to have your undivided attention
But you wouldn’t drop anything for anyone.
You are flighty, hummingbird.
Would you ever be there for anyone’s highs and lows, battling alongside them?
You’re only ever there for the good times.

I wish this wasn’t so.

I want to sing with you, I want you to teach me to dance.
I want us to go on wild adventures across all of time and space.
I want long mornings spent in our solitude.
I want us to make each other better people.

But no-one stands out to you, it’s so easy to get lost in the throng.
I’m not special compared to them,  barely even average.
I couldn't shine bright enough for your eyes.

How could it compare to the way I value the people in my life, the ones I’ve chosen?

You may end up alone my dear, and I know your life is on a knife’s edge. Maybe this makes sense to you. But what if it isn’t? What if you end up more alone than is needed?

You're lying to yourself.
Slipping back into what is easy, warm and comforting.

Avoiding confrontation with your keepers - who have enough on their plate.
To please them, you lock yourself away.

You fool, you're blind to your complacency. That I can see. I did the same. My eyes are open. I suffered. I told my tale.

Now you're fool enough to do the same anyway.
Well I did my part.
But I will still be angry at stupidity.

Well sometimes, life isn't easy, and you have to fight against people you love.
Life won't wait for you to be ready.
You have to be strong now, get it together now, before it's too late.


Why you're sad,
Why you're unfulfilled,
Why you're longing for her even though that's not what you want:

You want yourself.

Perhaps, before I was born, I was told about you.
How you'd both come to be.

Perhaps, a deity sat me down and said - if you wish, you can bear their suffering.
And I must have said yes.

Perhaps you'll never know just how much I'd do for you, and how like my sadness, my love is endless.

And I'm sorry for loving you
Because I know it wasn't real love
And I know it was wrong.
But you make me spin.

I know you know quadrants
I could never be what you need
You gave me a taste and ripped it away and I'm done.
You weren't cruel, stated intentions. It was me who said "maybe " and "because" and it just, won't fly with you.

It wasn't real
It wasn't real.

All I need is your approval.
I fall at your feet and all you are is a boy, and that's scary for a boy.

I'd like to be your friend but it's only when I'm drunk I can be brave enough to give you recommendations and music.

You probably never think of me
You're only here for her
I get it
I know I'm not enough
I know I'm not good.

I'm grateful you even breathe in my direction.
I should be more grateful you expend oxygen to occasionally speak to me.
I'm not worth the time.
I'm not worth
Anything.

There's a train station just down the road
if I could only put a foot
in front of
the other.

Time passes too quickly
allowing my body and it's will
to survive - holding me back against the bed.
I'm meant to be the pilot. Me.

My soul is now  only the means to an end,
and I'm too tired to object, heavy, hanging by strings.
If only I could break free for a moment...


There's a train station just down the road.

I sat in a church today, and I prayed
it was not intended but I saw
your door was open,
So I wandered in with quiet footsteps, standing quietly at the altar the humans had made.

There was a prayer board, I had much to pray for.
Lots of other hopes were written here, well wishes to a mother who had lost her son to suicide (I couldn't help but wonder why) , prayers for those in hospital.
There were post it notes, and although it was not a prayer for you Father, as it was for them.

"Please pray for the end the suffering of minorities including those of the LGBT+ community."
"Please end the stigma of depression and other mental illnesses."

Father, I could have gone on, there is much I pray for and hope for, in time it will pass.

I felt my wings, pushing against my seat in frustration. The outside world pulling me back when all I wanted to do was spend time with you.

The call is strong, Father.

I said goodbye, and wished to be home once more.

When you roar,
it must be planned,  
with the right ears to listen, the best time to stand
and the right place - so your voice echoes across the centuries.
With the power of all those that spoke before you
For the same cause
The same fight.

Let your body move with power
Confidence
Always be proud of your scars.
They show the things you have lived through
The things you have endured.
Carry yourself with pride, and people will follow.

It didn't matter that you were miles away
I felt you step alongside me
Your advice in my veins, your strength when I slipped.

Now it's just me and the voices.
I walk faster now, sure, but,

I'd rather "have" you beside me.

Return to the forest where I grew.
Because that is where you will find me.

Travel to the base of the hill, to the temperamental stream
Because that is where you will find me.

Go to the park and sit on the swing nearest the car park.
Because that is where you will find me.

At the field that watches over the sun's bed, follow the path to the storm drain, my shrine.
Because that is where you will find me.

Hear me in the wind, in every spark of purple and every stupid thing relating to every stupid joke I ever made.
Find me in Samarkand and in the playlists I leave behind.

Cast me to Zephyrus, so I can be in your lungs.
Because I want you to be, where you find me.

I can't help but feel so used by you.
I loved you, looked up to you and followed your every footstep.

You taught me so much and yet you... dismiss my steps forward. You still see me only as the child that first stepped into the Guild with wide eyes and a broken mind.

I've hurt you yes, perhaps I should stop hoping you see past that, if it even is that. But you've been this way for as long as I remember, so what did I do?

Seeing me for the first time as Alex...
May have shocked you?
But we were inseparable once -
I'm still the same... or are you just bored of me?

Did you forget? My heart didn't.

But I suppose...

it was nice..

pretending.

I don't ever say the things I mean to, but you don't have to speak. I'm happy sitting in solitude with you - I'll keep my silence if just to earn your friendship.

You called me
You came to check if I was OK.

Thank you.