I've never been ok
and I'm calling out
frantically reaching
(what do you want me to do?!)
(you should know you should know!)

I should reach for you
but I don't want to drag you down.
But I already have as you cling
clinging and shackling a whirling mess of a child.
I can't lose you, you matter - you matter so much.

I'm sick.
But you keep me whole
The love I have is complex and not what you need.
Yet here you are- you sweet pitiful thing.

I'll never forget the first time I met you. A block of beige, a shimmer of gold and a flickering smirk in warm light, secluded in a newly built nook and stood among others that paled in comparison.

I chose you, curious and opened your pages to be met with the sort of person I wanted to be in djinn form and an ambitious boy, with the name of my first love.

I just met you and bid you goodbye again, everything from this point on will be memories and playbacks. I will miss you deeply, for your words are now written in the very depths of my being.

But it is good to know in some ways , that you will stay the same.

I was not made to be broken.

Despite everything I have fought tooth and nail to be here and I am scarred, bruised, limping and screaming fire.

I will not fall but I know I will, and it will be for love because I am a fool. I cannot love that which loves me - I get bored. anxious. wounded. I wish I could have stayed. So many times. So many times have I screamed for me to just be ok with what I have.

Yet I never was, so I burned it and ran before it burned me. My anxiety for possible destruction is what destroyed the life I had. Maybe I miss it sometimes but it was lacking, lacking for the submission and ambition I crave so desperately and yet can never achieve because of my nature.

I run towards more fire and I don't know if I can survive. I truly am weak to it. I need to fix myself and I am trying but I need help. Even if I did, I could never go back, even if I wanted to.

If this is your curse to me, combined with hers, then alright.

I deserve this.

and I will fall.

again.

How strange that a child of the spring
is akin to a prince of ice...

I don't feel much anymore
But when I do
It's often because of you

This path will be full of mistakes
and the end is a black hole.
One where I stand, then sit at the edge.
With a bottle - the type I haven't touched in months or
years.

and you're gone.

All I'm left with is unreliable memories,
chat logs...the fiction in my head.

We have to go this way,
you have no choice and I will walk with you
as long as you let me.

As long as you have patience.

If I want to make these mistakes with anyone, in front of anyone...

It's you....

                                                Thank you.

he went to sleep thirty minutes ago
and thats ok
but the silence that isn't silence seeps into my brain
and corrupts the veins that are already black with self hatred
people are sick of me and that's ok,
I dance with the alcoholics, I can't be trusted
I am desperately sad and no one can save me
and thats ok, thats ok.

It's ok.

This will be the only cage I will ever be comfortable with
I shuffle slightly and your arms tighten,
holding on so desperately to my frail form.
I know why.

You’re too tired to pay attention to detail,
Sweetheart, I know.
The morning is busy but it escapes us, for now.
I watch the ceiling and listen to your breath.

I need to stop wishing
We had that bond (again)
You are not capable of depth

You're ill

You will never  (just) be free of your rotten soul
You need to clean it
And it will take time

But perhaps we are just, different
This would be a shame
For I miss your sweet sweet voice
And
Laughter
I miss indulging you

Your sage advice

I knew I'd lose you just like
I've lost so many
But it never gets easier

Hold me closely
Keep me Safe
I'm afraid
I am young
Please love
The little I
have.


I love you and I wanna scream that I'm warmer I'll stay, please be clever enough to keep me, keep me, I'm afraid.

I'll run, I will, I'm sorry.

People say they get sick of seeing the same people and the same faces
But I find comfort in the familiarity
Even while I travel
I see aspects of those familiar faces in everyone I meet.
Strange, because I don't miss THEM - because we hardly knew each other.
The comfort of knowing OF them was enough.

I never was strong enough.
Too young, too small, too weak.
Never witty enough to counteract your harsh words,
Never stable enough to rebel and survive.
Because of this, I can't believe anyone I meet - I am just filled with barely bridled rage.

Used to the ground falling from under me, now I trust no-one.
They all leave or betray me in the end.
Never trusting anyone has just good intent, no they must have something to gain. Something they want.

You made me this way.
I blame you.
Yet you refuse to admit what you did to me.

I was created in orderly chaos
I woke to eyes of all colours, a swirling mass of kindness.
Then, all I knew was a purpose and how to change.

I sleep because I'm lonely.
I sleep, because I miss being held tightly, being protected.

Do you know how much I fight?
How my upbringing and my dominant personality makes people want to be in my arms, my chin resting on their head?

I am TIRED.
I can't fight for a partner as well. Not all the time.

I am tired.
I need to be held and to be weak.

Let a weak translucent soul rest with you.

I sleep to avoid my sadness and my failure.
That's all I am these days.

Blood has been on your lips this night
But I will kiss them anyways.
Smooth and rich,
intoxicating
Life drips through your calloused fingers.

Expensive taste, expensive heart
Your words become holy
Mine, mine, always mine.
But always you run free.
Anyone, but me.

This is all humanity has.
Hope, because of ignorance

I put my headphones on to run away, to seal off my life from my head.
Just to feel normal.
To be away from you, from this, from everyone.
Because if I'm not myself, I'm not lonely.

No one loves like me
but I write about it anyway.
Even if it's sweet nothings..
to the moon or empty chairs.

I like to think the moon listens

and maybe someday

someone else like me will, too.

To the friend of my friend
We've never met, you and I.
And now we never will.
I heard of you in passing, she adored you.
Oli this, Oli that.
You were so close and just as much a part of her as her liver, or her eyes.
Even to me, in her life, you were just a fact,
Like her hands, or her teeth.
Yet, I didn't know you!
So I think that I thought of you like that, in itself, is incredible.

I can only hope your passing was quick. For her it will be painful, and I cannot be there in the ways I would like.
Over nine years we've done nothing but grow apart, briefly passing in the night or In a hot summers day.
I hope she finds solace in the people around her. I hope they dry her tears when I cannot.

I hope if there is an afterlife, you are at peace.
You will be missed.

Sincerely
A friend of your friend.