My home happened to be a house
There were people
There was love
There was home made meals
And memories in the making
Each night as I went to bed
I felt content
and like I was where I needed to be

But as our family got torn apart
The laughter left our house
The liveliness fell away
leaving tears in its place
only some continued to stay there
But much of the once occupied space
was now empty

I no longer felt okay
in my own bed
I didn't care for my room
the building ceased to be more
than just a building
**It was a house
but not a home

My heart was heavy
But his smile was light
He made everything feel right

He didn't judge me
He never questioned me
He loved me for who I am

He didn't push me
He never tried to hurt me
He just stood by my side cheering me on

When I would get sad
And cry through the night
He would lay there and hold my hand tight

I wanted to tell him
The three most important words
But I still haven't found courage or time

I met a broken boy
who used to love a broken girl
But her sharp edges
had finally scraped is heart
and he went running away

I used to think
I was good with glue
So I learned to love
this broken boy and his fragile pieces
as I put them back together

But once he was whole he ran away
Back to the broken girl
who he loved so dearly

It wasn't until his absence
that i looked in the mirror
And realized I was in pieces
cut up by the boy who
I tried so hard to help
him unaware of how much he hurt me

I tried to glue me back together
But I learned it to be impossible
In such a short period of time
So my broken self pretended to be whole

A new boy came into my life
he hasn't seen my cracks
hasn't felt the sharp edges
barely knows who I am

My fear is that I will break him
and the trend will continue
but i don't want that to happen

I want to love him

I can go hours
even days
without a single thought of you

But then it is like a tidal wave
emotions crashing over me

I can feel it all
Every hurt
Every pain
Every anger
All the broken promises
All the plans we had that you will never follow though with

I can feel them crashing over me
suffocating me
drowning me
ultimately drowning me in my own tears

the warm air floats over me
the bright light illuminationg my face
I watch as the flames engulf
every last piece of him I had
only ashes left and scraps of clothes
the flames lick the edges
of the gifts I once held dear
and I wish that I could throw in
all of those memories too
The happiness in those moments
aren't worth the pain they cause me now
if i could just seer them out of my brain
even physical pain would be preffered
over what I am feeling now
If I could just burn those memories
like the pieces I had left of him
then maybe I could be happy
maybe I could go a day
without bitterness creeping into my heart
without the pain of knowing
he never loved me the way he loves her
but I loved him more than he could ever love her

How sad it is
that we see people
with our eyes

We should
look at people
with our souls

I had a dream about him again
I guess you could call it a nightmare

I stopped letting him haunt my thoughts
But somehow he manages to creep into my dreams

He tells me I am worthless
That I will never be enough

For him
Or anyone

And I believe him
Which is the worst part

Because when I wake up
I can't shake the feeling

**That maybe he is right

I don't mind missing sleep
If I do so with you

My heart was broken
Shattered to pieces
and scattered on the floor

I kept inviting people over
In hopes that they
Would help me pick up the pieces
But they didn't even notice them
They just walk on top
Smashing them into smaller pieces
Until my heart became so crushed
It was ingrained in the carpet
of my tear stained room

You felt unloved
You hadn't learned how to love yourself
You sought out love
from those who were incapable of giving it

I thought that maybe I could change things
give you my love
Maybe if I filled you up with enough of my love
you would learn
to love yourself, and learn who was really there for you
You didn't though
My love only confused you, you felt unworthy

I gave you all my love
Assuming that the faster I gave it to you
the sooner you could give it back
But you stole all my love and then threw it away

I had forgotten to love myself
and you didn't love me
so I was left with nothing, I was hollow

I gave you the one thing you wanted
I don't understand why you aren't happy

There are pieces of you scattered throughout my room

   a pair of socks
                                                                  The stuffed animal you bought me
                                         your favorite food in my cabinet
a jacket you never took back
                                                                a pen of yours

I wonder if you will ever come retrieve them
I hope if you do, you bring back
The piece of my heart I left with you

I haven't stopped dreaming about you
I wish I could
each night you sneak into my dreams
tip toe in and take control
we share a dance or a kiss
and I fall in love with you a little more

But I wake up sad and confused
because although you choose to be mine
in this far off world that is my dream
I know you don't remember dreams
you never have
so every morning you have no recollection
of the love we shared

So you go on with your life
giving your love to other people
giving your love to her

But you will never know
how much love I have given you

After you were gone
tears streamed down my face

Not because I thought you didn't love me
Not because I thought our relationship was a waste
Not because you were ruining some future I had planned
Not because I thought you were "the one"

I cried because I was afraid
I didn't want to lose my best friend

I'm in love with words
because they are always there for me
when people fail me
                     I can write
when I get stressed
                     I can write
when I don't know how else to express my emotions
                    I can write

I put my heart into my words
everyone of them a tiny piece
of my mind, of my heart

I put my trust into words
words never leave me
words were never rude to me

But those were my words
Your words are different

When I put my trust in them
they failed me
When I let them in my mind and heart
they tore them apart
your words were mean
they were manipulative
they shattered me

I can no longer trust words
the way I used to

Our relationship took a bullet
It went strait for me
but it wasn't a fatal wound
I didn't get hit in the heart
I was shot in the stomach
You could have saved me
**but instead
you left me to bleed out

I wish I was bitter about you.
Then maybe I wouldn't cry so much.
Because right now I still love you. And sometimes you act like you still love me, but I am not sure if you actually do. Your late night phone calls but lack of effort in person has got me all confused. My emotions range from hurt, sad, depressed, annoyed, angry, all the way back to hopeful. It always lands on hopeful in the end. But wouldn't it be so much easier if i just felt bitterness. All of that confusion gone, just a little bit of bitterness in my heart. I think that would be easier.
But the problem is you haven't hurt me enough for me not to love you. So I care about you in ways that you don't even know. And that doesn't just go away.

With Love even now,
Lost Girl

I want to yell and scream
scream at the top of my lungs
so the whole world knows
what you did, how you hurt me

I want to hit and kick
give you a black eye
so you will know
know the pain I feel

I want to stop loving you
not care anymore
so that maybe you can stop
stop breaking my heart

I don't feel hate though
my lungs won't scream
my fists won't clinch
because even after all this
**I still love you

What I know about him
1. His favorite color is grey
2. The body wash/shampoo he uses is called timber
3. His boxers are very comfy
4. His birthday is Halloween
5. He is a big blues fan
6. He played hockey for a very long time
7. He loves traveling
8. He loves the outdoors
9. Fashion has never been important to him
10. He takes a long time to think
11. There is no one I would rather be with
12. He is more emotional than I am at times
13. His feet are very ticklish
14. He grew up in a private school in STL
15. He is as confused by the church as I am
16. His eyelashes are longer than mine
17. His eyes are beautiful
18.   He hates the cold
19.   He believes in meaningful friendships
20.   He enjoys taking pictures but doesn't think he is very good
21.   He knows a lot of random trivia
What I love about him
1. He cares about people
2. The way he smells
3. What he wants for his future
4. How willing he is to give
5. That he lets me borrow his clothes
6. He is always up for an adventure
7. When he cares he cares deeply
8. He wants to save the world
9. He loves God
10. His family is amazing
11.   Even when he made mistakes his intentions were never malicious
12.   I know he will always be there for me
Ways I could love him better
1. Ask more questions
2. Have more patience
3. Don’t interrupt
4. Listen to what he is saying
What I don’t like**
1. He uses alcohol as a way to escape from his feelings/problems
2. He is always in pain, and you always know when he is in pain
3. The way he yells at his mom
4. Abi (his ex)

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid
that I can't separate them from my reality
they mesh into one

Some mornings I wake up mad at you
I can't quite remember what you did
But I know I didn't like it

It will take me hours to remember
That what you did was only a dream
And I shouldn't be mad

I will  be telling a story
And half way through
I will realize, it may not be true

Every childhood memory
I second guess
Did that really actually happen?

Maybe it is a blessing
that I can live through my dreams
That my nights are never boring

But I think it is a curse
that my emotions can be effected
by my subconscious

I wrote once that
love goes as easy as it comes
I don't remember the circumstance
in which I learnt that

I wish I would have remembered
because I know it now better than ever
and maybe had I remembered
I would have thought twice

I wouldn't have jumped off a bridge
into your arms
I would have sought out a staircase
and slowly made my way down to you

I was forced to come
by my mother
"you haven't been yourself lately"
well of course I hadn't

When the doctor asked
"what seems to be the problem?"
I lied
telling him I didn't know

I knew exactly what the problem was
something doctors couldn't treat
and medicine wouldn't help
I had a broken heart

I feel so ******* pathetic
Laying in this bed
Crying my heart out

It hurts me to know
That you aren't hurt
That you don't care
That you don't love me

And I can't do anything about it

Except lay here and cry

We layed there silently
Gathering each other in our arms
Trying not to break each others hearts
anymore than we already had

I stared into his eyes
with a sort of wonder

"what are you looking at?"

"your eyes... They look so sad even when you smile,
I don't know how that could be."

He opened his eyes big and smiled wide
"what about now?"

We both laughed but only because
We didn't know what else to do

Then we quietly went back
To trying not to break each others hearts
But we weren't very good at that

"are you okay?"
"yeah"*
if crying myself to sleep every night is okay
* if being too upset to eat is okay
* if being too emotionally drained to function is okay
* if being so upset I can't enjoy anything is okay

It was curious to me
That he told me his deepest secrets
And trusted me
He didn't even say
don't tell anyone
He just trusted whole heartedly
Everything he had kept inside
Boiling up for years
Close to exploding out of him
But now that it is out
He never says for it to stay between us
He just assumes it will
No one has ever trusted me like this
I like it

I know I shouldn't
but I will wait
she isn't forever
maybe I'm not either
but our journey together
isn't over

When she forgets to text you back
When she forgets your birthday
When she forgets to love you

I will be waiting
and our journey can resume

I don't cry out of pity for myself
I don't cry because you should have known better
I don't cry because I hate you for what you have done
You don't deserve that hate put on you
You didn't know any better

I cry for mom who has to watch it all unfold
Who has to be in the depths of it with you
Who has to worry about the future

I cry for my brothers that don't know yet
But when they find out will be devastated
For their futures
For their mental health and well-being

I don't cry for me because I am strong
I can handle this
**But can they?

I could write a million poems to you
but it would never be enough

Everything I have to say to you
is too much to ever put in words
I keep telling myself
you will fade out
I will forget about you
you won't matter anymore
I will cease to love you

But I don't think it works that way
all these years
even when we didn't talk
the ember in my heart stayed hot
just saying hi to you can bring it to a full blaze
and light my heart on fire once again

I don't believe there will ever not be a spot for you in my heart
the fire will never completely go out