i remember that feeling i got when my eyes locked with yours '
the feel of my stomach filling with butterflies
that feeling that makes me feel all those at once

i remember that feeling
and i don't think i can ever forget

i think I'm ok
i feel ok

i think im happy
i think things in my life are finally going well

i know it sounds stupid
but i strongly believe all things happen for a reason
even if you're at your lowest
trust me it won't last

if something terrible has just happened
dont worry it'll teach you something important

every single person on this planet impacts someone in a positive way somehow

i don't know
i just believe whoever created this universe has a plan for us
and all you can do is trust that

I'm ok
everything is going to be ok

i am an addict.
i have always been an addict since as far as i can remember

i easily get addicted
to people
to bad habits
to drugs and alcohol
to the past

i am an addict
but i don't want to be one anymore

i am letting go of the people i put far too much time into
too much emotion and care without getting anything in return
i am done letting the people who dont care about me to have so much power over me

i am go of bad habits
i am done hurting myself, this one is going to be hard because self-harm is the best way i know how to cope with how i am feeling. i know its not healthy and hurting myself may make me feel better at the moment but will only make things worse

i am letting go of drugs and alcohol. i cant keep ruining my life just to escape reality for a bit then just snap back into reality and do it again. my body is my home and whether i like it or not it will always be. i need to take care of myself

and finally, i am letting go of the past
i need to stop reminiscing about the past and only think about the present and future
i cant change anything that has happened, i cant make the people who have left my past and i definitely cant force broken bonds back to normal no matter how much it hurts

i am an addict
and i have been for as long as far as i can remember
but i dont want to be one anymore

i need company
all the time

i want you to be here for me
i need to know you care

im in constant need of reassurance
i want you to tell me youll always be here

i feel so lonely in this huge world
filled with people
who all dont care

i want you to be here with me
i need your company
i dont want to feel this way anymore

I care about you too much to let you love her again

I still love you
As a friend

How is it that we haven’t spoken in 9 months
But everything still flows so smoothly
There’s so awkward pauses
And there’s nothing I wouldn’t tell you

I still trust you
Even after you broke my heart
I would still tell you anything

Those 9 months were terrible
But I’m so happy you’re back in my life now

i hate my mom
i hate her so much

she makes me feel the worst feeling
i can feel my chest curl up and burst into a bunch of stinging bees
i can feel my voice crack as i try not to cry
i cut myself for a way to cope

she yells at me to cut myself more
to slit my wrists
but when i do she hits me and tells me im a terrible mentally ill daughter
then she makes fun of me for my bad habit
"aw you stubbed your toe? are you gonna go cut yourself"

i hate her
i hate her so much
i hate my mom

i just cut

i just cut

i keep saying that over and over in my head

i just cut

i was finally proud of myself
i went so long without doing it

i just cut

im not ok

i wanna die so badly

i just cut

i thought i was happy

i felt happy

i thought i wasnt depressed anymotr

i just cut

i dont want to live

i want to die

i just cut

i felt happy when i saw the blood dripping

im not happy

im not ok

im not good enough

im going to **** myself
i just know i will

im really not ok

i dont want to be alive

i want to take so many drugs

i want to be happy

i want to feel something again

i want to trust again

i want to believe again

i want to be happy again

i just cut

living like tomorrow doesn't exist
live for yourself
not for other people who tell you who to be

tell that boy you like them
if he doesn't like you then **** it you don't need him

drink and smoke all you want
it's your life
do what you want

have fun at that party
kiss that person
that doesn't make you a ****

live for yourself
not to impress everyone
not to be liked by everyone

live for yourself
so when you leave this planet
you know you've done everything you wanted

I cried about you
you weren't worth that

hey guys
im so ******* high righgt now
im ******* fly

im addict to smoking
i cabt stopo

help

it feels like life isn't real
where did reality go?

maybe its the drugs im taken
or the ***** im drinking

but everything just feels like a dream
i feel nothing yet everything at the same time

people come and go
some leave a mark and some just leave

but no matter what happens
it all just feels fake

i need to wake up
i need to face reality

I want a fairy tale ending
I want to meet the love of my life
I want to stay with him until the very end
I want to live in a big house with 2 dogs and 3 cats
I want 2 kids a boy and a girl
I want to be a writer
I want to die with all my goals accomplished
I want to die surrounded by the people I love

I haven't had a fairy tale beginning so far
but
I want a fairy tale ending

I know
I know I'm hard to love
I know I'm hard to raise
I know I'm not your perfect daughter you always hoped for

I know
but I don't think you know how hard it is for me
when you tell me to **** myself every time I do something wrong
when you tell me to slit my wrists whenever you're mad
when you tell me its my fault you tried to **** yourself

I know
I know you're mad at the world for who it turned you into
but please don't take that anger out on me
I want to love you
but I don't know how much longer I can

he's the ominous boy I barely know
bright blue eyes
messy hair
never smiling
he's always just there

been hurt far too many times to count
does drugs to mask the pain

is it working though?
do you finally feel happy?
is killing your body fixing your soul?

hello to all the girls
who feel unworthy of love
who feel so different for not following the latest social media trends pressed among young teens
who feel too skinny or too fat
who feel out of place for not being able to afford all the clothes the "popular" kids own
who feel unwelcome in their own home
I see you
you're not alone

hello to all the boys
who feel like they have to press all their emotions aside to fit the label of "manly"
who feel being feminine means being "gay", so you put on your tough face and hide who you are
who feel they have to be mean to be popular
I see you
you're not alone

hello to all the people
who feel they have to drink or pop pills to be happy
who feel everything they work for goes toward nothing
who feel like there's no point in living anymore
who feel they're always alone
I see you
please trust me, you're not alone

drifting apart
like two leaves from the same tree on a windy autumn day
until one breaks off and flows away
into the cold breeze, it goes

floating away until the wind stops

it finally lands on solid ground,
but where is it's home now?
too far to even see

but who knows
maybe one leaf from the same tree
will follow the same path
and then,
they shall meet again

"high school"
the best and worst 4 years of your life

you make so many new friends
you lose so many old friends

you make new memories
as the old ones begin to fade

you have fun, go to parties
get  wasted, get grounded

old crushes to new boyfriends

looking back at it you only remember the good days

im only on my first year but i know
high school
will be the best and worst 4 years of my life

im here
thinking endlessly about you
thinking about our conversations
your smile
how it brightens up a room

youre there
thinking about something else
not me

im here
please notice me

i hate how i care more than you do

dear future me,
if you're reading this now
hey hows it going

right now you're happy
something you haven't been for a while

you have great friends
and a guy you like

when you're reading this you might not feel the same
and that's okay
but I hope you know
it won't be like this forever
you'll be ok

talking to you feels right

every time we text there's a smile on my face
its not hard
our conversations flow so smoothly

you always know what to say and when to say it

I love talking to you
I hope you don't leave

being in your arms
and kissing you

it all just feels too right

thank you to my bestfriend
the one whos always there for me
the one who i can always rely on
      for a shoulder to cry on
the one who i share every happy moment with
the one who i share every soul crushingly sad moment with
the one who i look forward to seeing when i wake up
the one who gives me the motivation to do anything
the one who is keeping me alive
thank you
i dont know what id do without you

sometimes i dont show what i feel
but its for the best

everyone i love leaves anyways

here's to the friends ive lost
over stupid lies
and silly games

here's to the lovers long gone
in autumns haze
never to come back

here's to the family
who was never truly mine
just people who brought me to life

here's to me
who's never able to make myself happy
always dependent on someone else
who I'm too scared to let in

here's to the whole ******* world
the world that was supposed to bring me joy and comfort
instead leaving me in a place full of hate and loneliness

stabbed by the friends and people I love
the world is beautiful like a vibrant red rose
but every rose has its thorns

it was good while it lasted
but I dont know if it was real

its easier to push people away
than wait until they're gone

love and alcohol are practically the same thing.
you take it, and take it, and take it,
until all of the sudden,
you cant take anymore.
some people can take more than others,
some people push over their limit,
and those eventually end up hurt.
there's different flavors,
different strengths,
and sometimes different effects.
the initial feeling is good,
but at the end they both become a depressant.
they both leave you,
at 2 am
sobbing on your bathroom floor,
begging someone to come back.

You don't know me -
not the real me.
You know my favourite movie
and maybe my favourite song.
You know what food I could eat every day
and you know about my first pet.
But you don't know me.
You don't know how much I want to tear my skin off my body
and become a whole new person.
You don't know how I self-sabotage
everything good in my life.
You don't know why I can't trust you
and you'll never know
my past or what's hiding
inside my mind.

i remember when i was just an innocent little girl
the only drugs were advil
and the only drinking was juice boxes
the only kisses were for my parents
and i never had to take back my "i love you"

i didn't kiss every boy who wanted to use me
and i didn't get wasted alone every night
i didn't cry over anyone
and the only worry in my life was how much candy ill get

i remember when my biggest fear was the dark
now; the thought of people leaving and heartbreak consumes me

i miss those days