A **** was set free even though he committed a crime.
The reason why he was set free was because I'm a Mime.
I was on the witness stand but because I'm a Mime, I wouldn't talk.
I take my job way too seriously and that was why that criminal walked.
Because I wouldn't testify, everybody in the courtroom started to yell.
The judge was so mad that he found me in contempt and put me in jail.
People are still angry because I wouldn't give my testimony.
My wife divorced me and now I have to pay her alimony.
If I hadn't taken my job so seriously, that criminal would be rotting in prison.
I'm going to get a new career because that's something that needs to be done.

My life would be so much better if you hadn't become sick and died.
You were a wonderful person because love was what you supplied.
My life would be so much better if you had gotten well.
But you died in the hospital and life became pure hell.
My life would be so much better if you were still around.
I wish I could still hear your voice because it was such a beautiful sound.

A man broke into my house and killed my entire family.
Because of his corrupt lawyer, he was found not guilty.
He killed another family and was found not guilty a second time.
His lawyer convinced the juries to find him innocent of the crimes.
I was going to have vengeance by killing him and I was really going to do it.
But God was just as angry as I was and he beat me to it.
The killer got third degree burns all over his body when he was engulfed by flames.
God made him pay because he was an abomination who brought nothing but shame.
I went through hell when he was found not guilty, it was too much to sustain.
He survived for four days after being burned and he was in excruciating pain.
I was working on night shift and that's why I wasn't able to protect my family.
God's vengeance was worse than my own, that's why the killer died in agony.

In June of 1870, my Great Great Granddad was playing Poker in the Old West.
Even though he was shot, the law neglected to place the murderer under arrest.
My Great Great Granddad wasn't being honest, he was cheating.
He was plugged through the heart and his heart stopped beating.
When he was exposed as a cheater, the killer blew him away.
Even though it was ******, the law never made that man pay.
When my Great Great Granddad cheated the killer, it was wrong, that is something I won't deny.
But when that man got off scott free, it was also wrong, my Great Great Granddad didn't deserve to die.

People are laughing but I don't think it's funny.
A ***** rotten crook stole my stolen money.
I was very happy because I successfully pulled a bank job.
But then that man pulled his gun on me and I was robbed.
I can't believe that it happened, it has been a terrible ordeal.
That crook stole the money that I worked so hard to steal.
This experience has left me bitter and appalled.
That thief didn't leave me anything, he took it all.
The cops caught up to me and I told them that the money was taken by that thief.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this would happen, it is beyond belief.
I failed to become a millionaire because of the money that he took.
I'm going to turn honest when I get out of jail, it doesn't pay to be a crook.

Even though you've been dead for two years, I still miss you terribly.
While you were alive, I meant a lot to you and you meant a lot to me.
You were an excellent mother and that is certainly true.
When it came to having a mom, I was proud to have you.
I still miss you terribly even though it has been twenty-seven months since you died.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty sad about your death and I **** nearly cried.
But I am feeling some better than I did just one year before.
I still miss you terribly because you're not around anymore.

I'm a Gungan from the planet Naboo and my name is Jar Jar Binks.
Senator Padme put me in charge once even though I don't even have the ability to think.
George Lucas brought me to life with a computer, I'm a product of CGI.
Because many Star Wars fans find me irritating, they want me to die.
Many people hate everything about me, they hate my voice, my six foot tongue and my orange skin.
Now that the prequels are over, those people are thankful that they'll never have to see me again.

Something terrible has happened to the entire world, we've lost Christopher Lee.
He was Count Dracula and he was also Saruman in The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
He starred as Francisco Scaramanga in a James Bond film and as Lord Summerisle in The Wicker Man.
He believed that his greatest performance was as Mohammad Ali Jinnah, the founder of modern Pakistan.

He starred in two Star Wars movies as Count Dooku.
He was a talented actor, a singer and an author too.
Sadly, this fantastic thespian has died at the age of ninety-three.
People are shedding tears as we say goodbye to Christopher Lee.

When Mom died, life lost a lot of its luster.
While she lived, everybody could trust her.
Everybody could trust her because she was so good.
She was wonderful, she helped everybody who she could.
I would've trusted her with my life, that's how much I trusted her.
She was one hundred percent trustworthy, that's for **** sure.
When she died so young, it was unfair and unjust.
She was a terrific lady who everybody could trust.

I'm the Emperor and my face looks like a prune.
I have dark circles around my eyes which also makes me look like a raccoon.
My name is Palpatine but I'm also known as Darth Sidious.
Everybody pukes when they see me because I look hideous.
I was able to trick Anakin Skywalker into turning to the Dark Side.
I actually convinced him that I had the power to save his bride.
I can't believe that I was able to turn him into a Sith Lord as easily as I did.
He actually believed that he could save Padme by killing Separatists and kids.
I thought that my new Death Star was safe from the rebels, I thought that I had won.
But Darth Vader dropped me into the main reactor of the Death Star to save his son.
Luke Skywalker removed Lord Vader's mask and he became Anakin Skywalker again.
I still can't believe that those **** Ewoks were the reason why my Empire didn't win.

God is with me everyday, he's with me everywhere I go.
If people wonder if he will abandon me, the answer is no.
God is with me when I'm at my house, at the lake and even at Walmart.
Everywhere I go, I carry God in my heart.
God has been with me since I was born in August of 1971.
I thank the Lord for all of the good things that he has done.

Old Betsy is my shotgun and she keeps most salesmen away.
But some come on my property but they sure as hell don't stay.
Old Betsy shoots the hats off of their heads and she shatters their windshields.
Because of Old Betsy, they drive away because they think that they'll be killed.
One man took off running and left his car behind.
I don't know who he was but now his car is mine.
One salesman thought that I'm a transvestite because he had heard rumors.
That **** ***** was trying to sell me a dress and a pair of women's bloomers.
I shot the cigar right out of that idiot's mouth.
He jumped in his car and started driving south.
They try to unload junk on me but because of Old Betsy, they fail.
If you ever come on my property, you'd better not be trying to sell.

Old Betsy is my shotgun and she's something that men end up dreading.
When my daughters get pregnant, Old Betsy is responsible for shotgun weddings.
When men impregnate my daughters, they try to run.
But Old Betsy stops them, she's one hell of a shotgun.
When one man tried to run, Old Betsy put holes in both of his **** cheeks.
He married my daughter and he couldn't sit down for about twelve weeks.
I give the men two choices, marry my daughters or be buried.
When I point Old Betsy at them, they choose to get married.
I make men do right by my daughters because I'm their Pa.
Because of Old Betsy's influence, I now have eight Sons-in-law.

Old Betsy is my shotgun and she's the reason why I don't keep my money in a bank.
When people try to steal my money, they learn that Old Betsy isn't filled with blanks.
People break into my house but they end up not leaving.
Because of Old Betsy, the **** thieves stop breathing.
The crooks think they're intelligent, they think they're pretty sharp.
But thanks to Old Betsy, a lot of them wind up playing harps.
A lot of people have tried to steal my money but they failed.
If you try to rob me, you'll get a taste of Old Betsy as well.

I went to the hospital and they said they were going to shove a camera up my ***.
I told them that I didn't want that to happen, I told them that I was going to pass.
But they said it was too late because I'd already signed the papers that allowed them to treat me.
But I didn't want a camera up my ***, I would've rather that they used baseball bats to beat me.
They shoved the camera up my *** and it went in deep.
It really hurt because the idiots forgot to put me to sleep.
I cussed those ******* out and they said that they didn't like my attitude.
But they disliked it even more when they had to pay me two million bucks after I sued.

She was my mom and I loved her with all of my heart and soul.
When she died, it was so devastating that I nearly lost control.
She always had my back, when somebody messed with me, they messed with her.
She was a very special and wonderful lady and I'm certain that you'll concur.
When she died, it sure did take its toll.
I loved her with all of my heart and soul.

I committed ****** and I have bad news.
Columbo is on the case and that means I'll lose.
Columbo always catches people when ****** is the crime.
He always uses his skill as a detective but not this time.
I just went inside the Police Station and confessed that I'm guilty.
Columbo is hopping mad because he won't be able to catch me.
This cigar smoking cop is so mad that he's starting to shout.
A ****** was committed and he didn't get to figure it out.

Noah and his family were the only people on Earth who were doing right.
So God caused a flood that killed everybody in 40 days and 40 nights.
All of the people on Earth were evil, it was a time that was dark.
Noah and his family were spared when God told them to build an ark.

God told Noah to take two of every animal so that all species would survive.
When the flood was over, Noah and his family were the only people who were alive.
It probably wasn't an easy decision when God decided to **** all of those women and men.
He gave us the rainbow which is a promise that he'll never do it again.

Today is Memorial Day.
We're paying tribute to those who died for the USA.
Many soldiers died so that we can be free.
It means a lot to you and it means a lot to me.
Some fought with guns, others fought with tanks.
They gave everything for us and I give my thanks.

God can be vengeful but he's mostly benevolent.
He helps us when we're down, he is magnificent.
God kept one of my relatives safe in Vietnam because of people's prayers.
God will never forsake us and he loves all of us, he truly cares.
It's like the money says, 'In God We Trust'.
God is wonderful and he's always there for us.

When a man came at me with a knife,
I was forced to shoot and take his life.
It was self defense but I was still horrified by what I had done.
I would be dead and buried if I hadn't been carrying my gun.
But he said something right before he died.
After he said it, I was even more horrified.
He told me that my wife put him up to it.
She tried to have me killed but she blew it.
I found out why that she was able to convince that man to try to ****** me.
She was going to share the cash when she cashed in my life insurance policy.
She put him up to it but it was something I couldn't prove.
I divorced that witch after I packed my bags and moved.
She would've been on easy street if she had succeeded with her crime.
But she failed and because of the prenup, she didn't receive one dime.

You were a great person and a great pharmacist.
You were killed in cold blood and you will be missed.
You were murdered because of some Oxycontin.
You're dead but you won't be forgotten.
It's sad to know that you won't be coming back.
Your life was taken away by a sick maniac.
Being killed because of some pills was evil and low.
Many people loved you and we all hated to see you go.
Now your family and friends are forced to say goodbye.
I really liked your pharmacy and you were a nice guy.

Your life was in peril nineteen years ago when you died of a heart attack.
You've been dead for many years and sadly, you will not be coming back.
You starred as the third Doctor in Doctor Who.
That TV show became much better because of you.
You starred as the Doctor from 1970 to 1974.
People were sad when you quit because you wouldn't be the Doctor anymore.
When I ordered a Doctor Who episode that you starred in, you were still alive.
But when I received it ten days later, people were sad because you didn't survive.
Besides being the Doctor, you had many other acting roles during your fabulous career.
You haven't been forgotten even though you've been dead for nearly twenty years.

I had it made until my stupid wife ruined me.
I was rich until she went on a spending spree.
She spent it all before I even had the chance to stop her.
I had ten million bucks but because of her, I'm a pauper.
I was the richest man in my town but now I'm the most poor.
People are giving me funny looks because I'm buying clothes in a second hand store.
She forgot to insure the cars that she bought, even the Ferrari.
I only have ten dollars left and that jezebel isn't one bit sorry.
A tornado came last week and destroyed every vehicle that she bought.
If you're wondering if I think about strangling her, I think about it a lot.
She also spent a lot of my money on male strippers, ***** and grass.
Now she's going to need a proctologist to remove my foot from her ***.

The worst thing that ever happened to me, happened in 2013.
You were one of the most wonderful people that I've ever seen.
Your death hurt me so much that for a while, I lost the ability to even think.
You were taken after being a part of my life for forty-one years and that stinks.
For a long time after your death, I felt miserable and all tore up on the inside.
The worst thing that ever happened to me, happened on the day when you died.

Your son was a lowlife hooligan.
Last year he murdered my son.
When it came to having the ability to show mercy, your son sure did lack it.
He shot my son right between the eyes because of his expensive jacket.
My boy gave him the jacket but he killed him anyway.
When I identified my son's body, your son had to pay.
Your son wanted to prove to his gang members that he was big and bad.
He shot my son in cold blood and returning the favor made me feel glad.
Your son was arrested but a bleeding heart judge let him out on bail.
A few hours later your son became the victim of a 44 Magnum shell.
I killed him the exact same way that he killed my son, a bullet right between the eyes.
I didn't realize that a man could get so much pleasure by seeing another person die.
It was an eye for an eye, I pulled my gun on him and it felt so good to shoot.
But your son's death isn't good enough for me, I hope he fries in Hell to boot.

Even though I've been helping you and working hard,
you won't give me a beer after I've mowed your yard.
I'm hot, sweaty and dying of thirst.
You've done some bad things but this is the worst.
When you asked for my help, I shouldn't have come here.
You offered me a glass of water but what I want is a beer.
You love your **** beer so much that you won't even give me one.
I would kick your *** up and down the street if you weren't my son.
I have something to say and you'd better listen to me.
Don't ever expect me to mow your yard again for free.

I should've known something was wrong when my dad started getting sick.
My Stepmother is evil and for many weeks, she poisoned him with arsenic.
It was five years ago today when she finished him off with the final dose.
I hated my Stepmother even though Dad wanted the two of us to be close.
It took me a while to get it done but I was finally able to have Dad's body exhumed.
When high levels of arsenic were found in his body, my Stepmother was doomed.
I was determined to bring her to justice and I knew that I wouldn't fail.
She was found guilty by a jury and I was happy because justice prevailed.
The judge sentenced her to life in prison with no chance of parole.
I loathe that woman, I can never get back Dad's life that she stole.

I told my wife that she looks like a wicked witch.
And then I had to go to the hospital to be stitched.
She's always been angry and bitter because she's not good looking.
She looks even more like a witch when she eats because her face turns green from my terrible cooking.
She tells people that she's pretty but they refuse to hear her.
I have to clean up the broken glass after she looks in mirrors.
If each broken mirror brings seven years of bad luck, she's in for seven hundred unlucky years.
I also have bad luck because she says that she'll never leave me and that drives me to tears.

I learned that my ex wife was unfaithful when she gave birth to a baby who is black.
I was stunned and so infuriated at her that I came very close to giving her a smack.
My ex best friend is the baby's dad.
His betrayal really made me mad.
I should've realized what was going on but I was a fool.
I beat the hell out of him because what he did was cruel.
My ex begged me to forgive her and to help her raise the baby as my own.
I packed my things and walked out the door and now that ***** is all alone.
While she was pregnant, I was very happy because I thought the baby was mine.
That **** had a lot of nerve, she broke our wedding vows because she's a swine.
The love that I once felt for her was something I savored.
I was faithful to that witch but she didn't return the favor.
Infidelity is the one thing that I can't forgive.
I'll despise that woman for as long as I live.

Your son was injured and I'm as sorry as I can be.
But you had no right to **** a dog who wasn't guilty.
Your son was attacked and nearly killed by another Doberman.
You thought that it was my dog so you shot him with your gun.
But the guilty Doberman was caught two days ago and he was euthanized.
You killed an innocent dog and because of that, you ought to be chastised.
My dog wasn't just a pet, he was also my friend.
I cried as I buried him because it was the end.
If it wasn't for your son's predicament, I'd have you put in jail.
That's the only thing that's stopping me from having you locked in a cell.
If you shoot another innocent animal, I won't be so nice.
Before you shoot another animal, you'd better think twice.

This is the third Mother's Day that has come around since you perished.
The love that we felt for one another is something that I'll always cherish.
Out of all of the people on Earth, you meant more to me than anyone.
You were always there for me and I'm a privileged man to be your son.
You were very special and everybody who knew you, knows that is true.
You gave birth to me in 1971, I wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for you.
Whenever people ask me how I feel about you, I'll always say "I love her."
Happy Mother's Day Mom, you were one of the world's greatest mothers.

Since you died, this is the second Mother's Day that has come around.
Since March of 2013, peace and tranquility aren't things that I've found.
You were one of the greatest mothers who ever lived.
You constantly thought of others, you always loved to give.
People have always loved you because you were so kind.
If people couldn't see how good you were, they were blind.
I still feel lost even though you've been dead for over a year.
I would tell you how much you mean to me if you were here.
My brother and I had to end your suffering by taking you off the respirator.
I still miss you like crazy even though it's been fourteen months later.
It was so hard to see you suffer and die.
You were one in a million and that's no lie.
You always bent over backwards to be good to me and my brother.
I'm very proud and was so lucky to have you for my mother.

I expected to be a millionaire or at least that was what I thought.
I killed a homeless man to get the lottery ticket that he bought.
When I demanded that he give me his lottery ticket, he refused to give it.
I stabbed him with my knife and I foolishly thought I would get away with it.
After I cashed in the lottery ticket, I received fifty million bucks.
But the Police traced the knife back to me and I was out of luck.
When I took that poor man's life, I stood there and watched him bleed.
I wouldn't be in jail and he'd still be alive if it hadn't been for my greed.
Please don't be greedy like I was because it's a terrible sin.
Because of my greed, I'll never see the light of day again.

If you want my ex girlfriend, she's up for grabs.
But if you sleep with her, you will get the *****.
It's possible that you may get ****** too.
Sleeping with her is a stupid thing to do.
I caught her in bed with my cousin and I thumped her.
She sleeps with a lot of men, that's why I dumped her.
I'm giving you valuable advice so you'd better listen to me.
If you ****** my ex girlfriend, you are sure to get an STD.

My wife was a magician and she loved to perform magic.
But something happened that was devastating and tragic.
She tried to perform a new trick that she called 'The Burning Box'.
The goal was to escape from a burning container after unlocking two locks.
But she couldn't escape from the box like she thought.
If you're wondering if she survived, sadly she did not.
I should've known that she couldn't do it, I should've known that she would fail.
Her body was burned so severely that she lost her life and her beauty as well.
When she said what she was going to do, I should've put an end to it.
I should've put my foot down but I was ignorant and I really blew it.
I shouldn't have listened to her when she asked me to trust her.
Now I'm a bitter and broken man and life no longer has its luster.
I can't eat or sleep and people have been saying that I look pale.
I let my soulmate do something stupid and now life is pure hell.

I owned a funeral parlor and I earned a lot of bread.
I got paid a whole lot of money to cremate the dead.
Each cadaver that I got rid of earned me five hundred grand.
I cremated ****** victims and for years I was in high demand.
OJ wanted to hire me.
But he didn't like the million dollar fee.
I always got repeat business from the Mob.
I fried those corpses when I turned the ****.
You'd better believe that when I cremated a body, it was much hotter than a sauna.
I'm extremely surprised that nobody ever wound up hiring me to cremate Madonna.
When I got through burning a corpse, there was never even a trace of evidence.
But the Police broke down my door as I was frying somebody and it was intense.
After being sentenced to fifty years in prison, people nicknamed me 'The Baker'.
If you need to get rid of a corpse, you'll have to call another crooked undertaker.

King Solomon received a gift from the Lord, the gift of being wise.
He was able to use his great wisdom to see through people's lies.
When a woman stole a baby, she told King Solomon to cut him in two.
The other lady begged Solomon to give the baby to the thief and he knew that was what the true mother would do.
Perhaps God has given as much wisdom to some others because only he can.
If I only had ten percent of King Solomon's wisdom, I would be a better man.

I tolerated my **** neighbor even though he liked to gripe.
But I drew the line when he attacked me with a steel pipe.
The ******* hit me in the ribs and on my head.
My skull was fractured, I'm lucky I'm not dead.
Now the hospital is threatening to take my home because I can't pay their bill.
I don't deserve these problems, I may lose my house and I was nearly killed.
But I had him arrested and they locked that maniac in a cell.
He committed assault with a deadly weapon and he's rotting in jail.

Everybody needs God as much as they need air.
Have faith in the Lord and he'll always be there.
A church ran out of food that it gives to the poor so that they can survive.
The Preacher told God about the dilemma and a truck full of food arrived.
God is wonderful and he works in mysterious ways.
He will always be there for us, he'll never go away.

She was very cute with her curly hair and dimples.
The lady who I'm speaking of was Shirley Temple.
She starred in Curly Top and Stand Up And Cheer.
She starred in 60 films during her fabulous career.
It was so sad and tragic when she died in February of 2014.
She was the biggest child star that the world has ever seen.

She said that she was innocent but nobody heard her.
She was sent to the electric chair because of a ******.
Even though she was innocent, she was found guilty.
She was put to death over twenty years ago in 1993.
Several weeks ago, the guilty party went to the Police and confessed.
The people who are responsible for her death are people who I detest.
Now those ******* know that what they did wasn't right.
I hope the guilt causes them not to be able to sleep at night.
You may wonder why I'm so angry and why I've missed her.
The woman who was sent to the chair was my younger sister.

When a wig maker saw my wife's hair, he adored it.
He wanted it and said that he'd pay top dollar for it.
So I cut my wife's hair off while she was asleep.
She walked out the door after calling me a creep.
Perhaps I did go too far.
But I wanted to buy a car.
I went to a used car lot and bought a beautiful red Camaro.
If you're wondering if I got away with it, the answer is no.
My wife went home to be with her mother.
And then I got a visit from her two brothers.
One came at me with an axe, I was lucky that my head wasn't severed.
The other torched my Camaro and covered me with tar and feathers.
It took four weeks to get that tar out of my hair and off my skin.
If I live to be a hundred, I'll never cut off a woman's hair again.

I hope that you'll believe me but you probably will not.
I have a dog and she has been smoking all of my ***.
She's my doggy and I do love her.
But I can't get high because of her.
My money has been wasted because of all of the **** that she stole.
I hide my joints but she finds them and smokes every one that I roll.
Some people call me a nut, they think a straight jacket is what I need.
Others think that the dope dealer spiked my ****.
But I'm not crazy, my dog really does smoke my grass.
I'm very angry and I'm on the verge of kicking her ***.
If you're looking for a free dog, I gladly give you this stupid *****.
But if you smoke ***, you'll lose money so you'd better be rich.

What happened to me was unjust and unfair.
I was framed for ****** and I got the chair.
But I was able to return from the grave.
I had my revenge and it was depraved.

I've never been a forgiving person, I always hold a grudge.
First I killed the District Attorney and then I killed the judge.
Then I killed the people who found me guilty.
I slaughtered all twelve members of the jury.

Next, I went after the guilty party.
He became sorry that he framed me.
And finally, I killed the two Police Officers who brought me in.
Those seventeen people won't condemn an innocent man again.

I was abducted by aliens and I'm angry, bitter and depressed.
They took me to a world where the women have no *******.
When I was abducted, I was promised a life of happiness.
But how can I be happy when the ladies have no chests?
I'm ******* and I want to cry because they were not honest with me.
The women on this world are so flat that they make Olive Oyl look *****.
When I was on Earth, I manufactured bras but they are obsolete here.
Coming to this planet has put an end to my happiness and to my career.
You may think that I'm lying to you, I know that it's hard to believe.
But if you're a man and you're brought here, you will want to leave.

I killed a man just to get in the newspapers and on the Six O'Clock news.
I wanted to get noticed even though my freedom was something I'd lose.
I did it just for the publicity.
I wanted people to notice me.
Because of what I did, millions of people are outraged.
It sure did feel good to see my face on the front page.
Now I'm being tried and I'm facing jail.
That idiotic judge actually let me out on bail.
Killing that man was wrong but I'm not one bit sorry for what I've done.
But I am sorry because the victim's dad is going to **** me with his gun.

When you were dead in Firecreek, it looked real.
That was brilliant acting and it took a lot of skill.
But sadly, now you're also dead in real life.
It has devastated your kids and your wife.

You were rich and famous but it didn't make you become a snob.
Everything you touched turned to gold, you always did a good job.
You were Jim Lindsey, Jeff Myrtlebank and Rosco Coltrane too.
Now you're in Heaven with Uncle Jesse, Boss Hogg and Lulu.

I know that you've been looking for love and romance.
But your boyfriend only wants to get into your pants.
He's going to dump you when he gets what he wants.
And then he's going to go home to his wife in Vermont.
But I know how that you can ruin his life.
Just pick up the phone and call his wife.

My peach tree only had one peach and my brother decided to pick it.
I grabbed it out of his hand and you know where I decided to stick it.
My brother was really ******.
He had to go to a Proctologist.
He took me to court and the judge ordered me to pay the doctor for removing the peach from his ***.
That made me very mad and I started giving that judge sass.
I threw a punch at the judge when he held me in contempt.
But he had a black belt in karate and now I walk with a limp.
When it came to that **** peach, I should've let my brother eat it.
This has been a bad experience and I sure as hell will never repeat it.