And so she edited herself
to forgive herself.

Because I failed to fit into the boarder lines of society I am an outlaw.
I color my skin in 50 shades of make up, what they dont know is that what they see is 50 shades of pain, 50 shades of ****** up, 50 shades of death under the moonlight,

As I  lay by the beach side death caresses my skin, we lay side by side.
watching the sun set, we talk about the future, horror stories that lay beyond the horizon.
beautiful shades of red that the world is yet to see.

I edit my skin because I wish that life would take a second glance at me... these emotions I go through, these smiles, cries and whatever I do to seem human are my 50 shades of pain.

I run to my friends with all these fears and they tell me it will be OK.
I cant put it into words to tell them how I cant sleep, I cant breath
How I lay in my bed everyday and cry... Tears that stream down my face are of mixed emotions, but the truth is I am tired
How I wake up every morning with a pounding head and how long I have been popping pain killers.

I keep chasing shadows that I will never catch, In my own highway of dreams I  have been letting through people's dreams and never mine.
I am tired of society's high bar, the stuff we  have to do be accepted to be loved.
This is a burden I cannot carry, a cross I can no longer bear.
So in this open space I crucify my empty soul.
In these empty space i divorce society and life because I cant any more.

I have always been okay with the sound of a door being slammed.One more problem to shut out, but I am okay if I am the one who gets to do the shutting out. I never have a problem with rejection as long as I am the one doing the rejecting because it means someone cares just enough to need to me.

I have never had a problem of accepting love in the form of blue and black, at least I got to receive something. I have never had a problem with looking at a mirror, as long as it was in the dark, because that way I am able to see the ugly  in me .

I have never had a problem with society because judgement will always be there. Whether I am rich or poor... ****** or not... alcoholic or not .. church going or not.I have never had a problem of chasing love in toxic luxuries because I realized that I am more toxic.

AM I REAL?
The silence to me is very loud.
My shift from fantasy to reality is a dream as the echoes of my own pain paralyze me.
I dream of a dream that ceases to exist since it’s alive in my own world that is parallel to reality.
I block out deathly memories of a sick twisted childhood. I think the lies in my head are catching up with me.
I constantly tell myself lies, secrets and fantasies the Pandora box denied. Am I for real?
I yearn for the unknown. This black hole has me hopelessly mesmerized. Lost beyond return.
I can no longer hear my own voice. Dead I remain. Still. At hell in my own peace.
I surrender to this fear that gave birth to me. I am slave to a slave. Prisoner to a prisoner.
As I say ash to ash, dust to dust, what do I tell the world about me?
Death to death, fear to fear, hate to hate and darkness to darkness.
As hate gave birth to me she abandoned me for happiness. Her kind of “happiness”
“They” say I am a ray of light to their darkness.  Somewhat a glimpse of hope. A mirror to their dreams.
“They” say I inspire the expired. Give redemption to the lapse of those who have given up.
Are “they” for real? If and when they strip me of this pretence they will know.
They will reveal deep dark secrets that hell could not hold.
I used to vacation in hell until one day the devil kicked me out.
He told me I was to “damaged” for his liking. Too corrupt for him to handle
Too evil to be evil.

You are trying to love me but I wont let you
because I am also trying to love me
It will take eternity for me to break down this way
I have to find me another way of doing this
and in that path,,, you don't exist

I cant give you a piece of me, to me you are a stranger
I don't want to hold hands with a stranger
I don't want to be loved when I don't know how to love
I cant do this....

I don't love, I don't need you anymore.
So as you walk out don't look back, as I break your heart don't cry.
Lesson learned is that you deserve better, better than me, better than this.
I can never give you want you want , which is me.

Today I will give up my forever ,,,,
I would give up my happy ending so that  for today you will have your happy ever after ..

I will jump in front of a bullet for you....
I will carry your cross for you,,,
I will bear your burdens because I care...

I hate missing you while you are still here,,
I hate not being able to touch you while you are in front of me...
I want you to be happy,, happy forever,,, never stop smiling,,
Because I care,, i will stop smiling so you can smile..

I will stop being happy so you can be happy, because I  care...

I look back and I witness the mess I created. No wonder words cannot justify the remorse that I carry on my shoulders; the pain that radiates from my “I like you too”.
Going down memory lane I remember the 1460 days in which I built high walls made of concrete, as I sat there and shot down every love story that the world had. I yearn for your touch yet at the same time the fear that comes with such a feeling overwhelms me.

I believe I am broken, shattered into a million pieces that cannot be made whole. Your efforts pain me because you are the ideal idea I dream of. I somewhat hope you could read my mind, I somehow hope that I could end up in your arms, where I could feel safe.

I do admit it; love was wrongly accused by my empty soul until your tenacity filled me with hope.  I hate the fact that I am this giant that may never become a miniature. I hate the fact that I hate me. I hate the fact that you could love a heartless monster like me. ****! I said the forbidden word, LOVE! Even my own subconscious glares at me with utter disappointment.

I hate the fact that I care, the fact that it hurts. But then again burying my emotions is what I am good at. I believe I am a master of my own destruction, I do not believe in flowers, romantic dinners and surprises but one thing I know is that I believe you, I believe in you. In my vague idea of “us” we do ride into the sunset. We get that happily ever after. The thought of you being my knight in shining amour petrifies me to the core. I am afraid that I will care too much, that I will love too much. Yes, I do believe in love because you gave me that.

You gave me the spirit to believe in something I hated to the ends of the earth. As I drown in a pool of my own condemnation, I keep looking up, I keep swimming, and I keep letting my soul sail because I hope that you may save me. Finally it then hits me; I sentence you and love 25 to life. If you keep your promise to never leave, I will keep my promise of giving you this warm heart of mine that is caged in concrete walls. If you promise to be there when it matters, when I succeed , when I fail, when I cry or worse when I shut down and try to push you away. If you promise to hold me till I feel like the walls are not closing in, I promise to unlock all these doors I have shut. I hope that you will hold my hand till I finalize my divorce with death. I hope that you can piece me together.

But then these are just thoughts I never voice, these are voices in my own head. Every love story has a happy ending and in this one, you are my happy ending because you set me free from my own prison and complete the person I was meant to be.

We chase dreams because we have to make something of life.
We live each day repeatedly,,, every Monday... and the next,, and the one after that.. We have to survive it, plan for it.... make it happen.. so we dream,, we hope and keep believing in our own twisted way.

Demons don't exist , we create them. We nurture them and let them grow.
We wake up with the hope of achieving something before we come back to the same bed, or a different one because at that moment we temporarily fill a void somewhere and for a brief moment we are wanted,,,, needed by someone, anyone.


Time passes, time heals , time does everything but never waits nor reserve....
Time wont heal hate that mankind breeds nor offer relief to those in need, time doesn't heal wounds that run deep it merely covers them up with illusions called scars, when you have this they call you a survivor.. apparently you have some sob story to tell.

My inner being struggles to keep the inside wall standing
Suicidal thoughts invade me... paralyzing me.
I am ****** down on memories I would rather forget .
This is the pain that I long buried, I invited the blind spot in my mind.
It was there that I laid out my deepest darkest secrets/fears.

I keep dipping in out of these shades of pain.
Every time these waters that I drown in become darker, reflecting my cold soul.
Lately I have been drinking like there are answers in a bottle, Lately I have been taking this white little pills to free my self.

I drown myself this toxic pool, my pain and I float into the sunset.
For a brief moment I see rainbows and unicorns dipped in magic.
I believe in fairy tales and the fact that love exists..
For a brief moment I forget my conception was the day God signed my death sentence...

Water spikes from up above turn into minute bullets that punch my pale skin. Sleep still lingers around as the toxins in my blood refuse to die, they want an honorable death like a spartan soldier.

I replay scenes of a bad childhood and reminisce of a ****** roller coaster  ride of punches  and hunches of deathly anticipated blows that  numb my soul. I take a handful of pills then I disappear into the wild ... into fantasies that lie beyond horizons that I will never reach..

All I ever wanted from life is to love and to be loved back  but hey... humanity is never granted everything.. its like you can have it all yet be nothing... Emptiness is not expensive nor nights were you cry yourself to sleep because even though you are in a crowd you have never felt so empty..

So as the sun sets you hug your cold bottle of sedatives or happiness if I may call it because that is  the only comfort you will ever get. You take one sip or yet a few more of the clear  liquid so that for once you can feel pure, you can feel alive and maybe worth  it...... You can live to face another day, perhaps another tomorrow.

So as life rejects me, as happiness runs from me I take another glimpse at the sky... the clear skies were mortals see stars which I never notice. I take another look at the broken mirror then I realize that the mirror is not broken I am.

It hurts to love you. Holding you in my arms is like stepping on a thousand needles.
I don't want to shed tears no more, I don't want to be no more.
I have been always OK with failing myself but I cant accept failing you, failing us.

So today I am going to bury my heart, I am going to lay it in concrete.
I don't intend on retrieving it, ever, because I don't want to love you no more
This sadness is a wound I can never heal so I would rather live through these moments of pain , shame and disappointment..

Maybe without feeling the pain it would be easier , it would be easier to hold you in my arms and get lost in them.
I would not want to crawl out of my own skin every time you make love to me because it hurts to love you.

CONFESSIONS OF A DROPOUT: DEAR EDUCATION
I am caught up in the ideal world where I breeze through the fast paced life
I look back and I see no one not even my own shadow
Life dumped me on a rainy day because I wanted to become of this generation
I was everything to pretend friends
Life seemed worth it with everything but you
The drugs, the cars, the money and the alcohol… ****! I even drank methanol
But when push came to shove I had to grow up
By then life had already given me deathly blows that were beyond me
Deathly blows that sent me to a dark pit, a dark pit were life ceases to exist
God himself knows that I am beyond saving grace since I am a different case
Truth be told I dug my own grave
Now I am a slave to this burning rage
I now believe I am going to rot in this cage
Poverty looked and me said when I grow up I want to be like that girl
Pain looked at me and shed tears….. Death visited me and renounced its existence
So dear education if you ever get this letter know that I send my sincere apologies
I wish I could have listened, I wish we could have been friends more
I now live a life of regret were I dream of having a ride on death’s train
I wish you could take me back but furthermore I pray that you lend me a dying wish
Dear education…… please do accept my apologies!

Today is the fifth day that I waited at the gate for my dad, oh wait,, its not five,, I lost count..I  am no time traveller but I feel like I am little girl trapped in a woman's body.  

My dad left, he didnt die, there is no other side of the story. There is only one, he abandoned me. Man I thought it was the end of the world till "he" swept me off my feet, come on now, I do knw better. I dont do fairy tales but for "him" I would.

For "him" I would believe in anything in a heart beat.When I am in "his" arms I feel the love I never had, funny enough I feel content ... I hang onto him a bit longer, hug "him" a bit harder, I am sure "he" is close to choking but what the hell... I've got to make sure "he" is real,,

Thoughts rush through my cerelebral hemisphere, oh! thats a term I learned at Bio 101, when they taught me about how I was my made... "he" said if it was deeper that the last time, then the rush will be 10 times than the last time.


"he" said when it gushes out like that, I am only a drop away of seeing my dad rush back. Now I know,  I have a father... I have a dad.. he never left,,, he is coming, "he" promised....

I am man with no hope for I don't believe in stupid fairy tales
Pardon my lack of emotion but I have seen it all.
I used to wait for my dead at  the gate, hoping that someday he might just pop outta nowhere...


I waited and waited.. till It hit me.. Life is only what you perceive it to be.
There is no rainbow in the sky, nor a **** *** of gold at the end ..
there is no light at the end of the tunnel.. only worse.

But then let me tell you of a father who taught me truth...
let me tell you of a father who gave me real toys not these stupid plastic models that i use to desire. He pulled me into the darkness and that is where I found my light,,, I tattooed his name across my skin and I felt uttermost love like the one i see in chick flicks.

I talk to my father every night.. he keeps on asking me when am I coming home, because paradise is only a heartbeat away.... I then tel him,,,, any minute now father,, any minute..

I stare into open space wishing I could be free as the wind. I am a prisoner in my own mind. I keep tearing myself down so that I could build a better me that will be good enough .. Even if I could be good enough for a day, atleast then I could be loved for a day.

I keep missing my appointments with happiness because I am searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle and oxygen at the end of a bud. I keep yearning for a pat on the back. A job well done kind of stuff. I want life to tell me that he is proud of me  but all he does it stare at me with utter disappointment. I one day wish to drown in my own red pool because sunsets have never been ****** red nor have rainbows.

I let you in my life for a dance and you stepped on my toes like it was the end
Threw pieces at me that hurt like gravel sand
Guess I now have an excuse to say why I feel like this
I let down my guard for you and you destroyed me
Gave you my time, my money and my efforts
Showed you a whole new world of meaning
I gave you the keys to my dark soul
I sit here while I suffocate in this darkness
Surrounded by it, its depth, its contrast is overwhelming
Truth be told, I am tired of being used
Satan threw me into the dustbin, did not even turn back
After I shed so much blood for him
God then lent me two minute redemption
Split seconds gasp of pure air, a ray of light
He then took it away together with his disciples
I am tired of being alone inside, alone in a crowd
Trying so hard to fit in, why do people use me?
Even a ****** is better since people use it for their own definition of what love is
But what am i?
**** love, friendship and relationships because I am tired of trying
My heart is big but it beats quiet
Dear chance…. I am tired of the world
So please lend me a dying wish
A dying wish to leave this earth
In God and Satan I found no answer
I feel alone in a roomful of people
I look at the sky and see how far heaven is from me
How far redemption is from me!

The world used me! Dear chance…….
Please I beg you! Lend me a dying wish

I am tired of this rollercoaster ride
Exhausted of watching from the side
Dear emotions, can I please plead my case
Can I rebuild my base?
I crawl on this ice cold floor…….. Blood oozes out of my wrist
Numb is the feeling I have as I lay on my back
I look to the heavens for sole placate... Try to reminisce
Resurface old memories that lay deep, digging out all the pain
Dear emotions, can’t you just lend me a dying wish?
Why I do I perish?? Please serve me as the devil’s dish
Can’t I just walk into hell and just dump this heavy burden
Dear emotions, I think you and I my friend are beyond repair
I allowed you to sell me dreams that slowly built inside of me
Dreams that are catastrophic... no wonder I am claustrophobic
If peace and love exists in my dreams only then I beg
Down on black and bruised knees… don’t wake me up
I lie on back confused, abused and intrigued
When will this end? This pain…
I have never seen love or met it
How will I know when I finally do?
So busy with hate and revenge! I think I am in too deep
So deep that I breathe and live on hate and revenge
What am I? A monster? Think I need saving grace
Since I cannot keep up with this pace
So dear poetry lend me an audience
Dear emotions, lend me a dying wish

One thing I know, one thing I wish for, one thing I would die for
One thing I pray for is that you die a horrible death
I wish … yeah that’s right...It’s just a wish!
If I had the choice to free you or the devil himself
If I had a choice between life and death
A route between heaven and hell… I would sure choose the latter for you
Trust me; I have acknowledged the fact that I am a biological error.
A constant remind of your foolish mistakes. Your own hell I suppose.
You made me make pain a hero, a friend and a **** father you never were.
Death was my mother that I desperately prayed to for her to take me home.
I was desperate for my own peace at my lonely grave
Desperation could not keep up with me; I guess I was beyond the poor thing.
I hope that someday life will serve you as a devil’s dish.
In my own world, in my own fantasy, my own deception of coping with reality, you do exist.
In my own world I am daddy’s little girl, with the pony tails and ****.
I am that girl that waits for you to come back from work.
You exist as a figment of my own imagination when people talk about their families.
I long for your embrace like the Sahara’s desert crave for water.
I long for freedom like a slave. My own emotions crucified me.
I stare down death everyday as though I was staring at you.
I guess the simple truth is that I want to see a friendly face in this empty crowd.
Dear father, I hope they have a special place for you in hell, were you will burn for eternity.
When I needed you, you needed a needle. I cried for you but you cried for some sick *****!
I cried for weeks and months until it hit me; you aren’t worth it.
You missed the first time I walked. The first time I talked. The first time I shined bright.
I bet you are going to run away from your own funeral! That’s what you are good at.
So dear father, wherever you are don’t die yet. You still have to see my success story.
Witness with your own eyes how life ****** you up on a good opportunity.
I hope your bottles, fake *** ****** and more babies keep you warm at night.
I hope a car doesn’t run over you anytime soon.
Abandonment looked at you and ran away; responsibility looked at you and committed suicide.
But do not worry, I am here to stay. Call me your worst nightmare if you must.
When I told the devil my story he quit running hell and went back to heaven.
He felt you deserved it more. You are hell. Can you hear the bell? Your ride is here.
I will give you a ride to your own little grave.  Your little own cave.  
I think if you do get this letter know that this is what the universe calls impartiality.

Need not blame me for being insecure
I am no doctor, hell I don’t have the cure
You cared, you landed you ears but I looked the other way
I did not having anything to say and I now know that was never okay

Who was I to judge you,, but then again when the world taught me to hate what more can I do?
I am lost in this dark hole where love ceases to exist, this pit I call hell.
How can I love when I do not know the meaning of the word?
I pushed you away because no one can come in
I build this barrier this wall, this guard that I never let down
Dear I pushed you away you never had a single chance, not one in a million


Truth be told I did care... I do have a heart in this dark cold empty chest of mine
Please tell the world then to give me lashes like my mother did
I am speechless, robbed of words and all I have is a fake smile
All I can do is marry this darkness...
I am  suffocating and  I think that  I am going to lose myself any minute now


Dear I pushed you away…. You never stood a chance
But if I may ask are you willing to wait for all eternity?
Truth is I care so much it hurts.. but after loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
After love stabbed me in the back, after I walked through gates of hell
I could take it no more
The universe denied me joy
I now hate the world…..
It’s painful enough that I have to drown in this blissful agony
The true me that illuminates when the fake pretense is stripped off
I carry hate around as though I depended on it to live

I bear great regrets that have got me wishing
Wishing I had life’s reset button
But then again it’s a wish
I guess my own heart bleeds through paper
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
I thought I had it all
But I now realize…. Any minute now…. I might just fall
Can I have a friend who will hold my hand?
I guess the utter silence means pen and paper are forever with me
Dear I pushed you away…….. do accept this letter.

I feel you constantly each second
You are the one thing I breathe, the one thing I cling onto for my dear life
What did I ever do to you?
I am in debt to you?
I work hard, pay my dues and respect the world
What did I do to deserve such persecution?
Dear pain I think our contract has to be terminated
But then again if you leave me who is left with my dark soul
Who is left to keep me company at my lonely dark grave?
I am tired of being used, dumped and stepped on
Haven’t you had your fun yet? I think I have reached my dying limits
I give up! Then pain, please I beg!
Lend me a dying wish!
I think in this game of cat and mouse you have won
I think I am now brave enough to accept defeat
I am strong enough to handle the fact that I am nothing!
Dear pain, I have nothing but tears to shed
Dear pain, lend me a dying wish!
If you do come to my funeral, don’t be sad
We were good friends, the best of the best
I would have not wronged the world if I say I enjoyed having you
Dear pain, please keep away from the ones I LOVE
Lend them the opposite of my imperfections
Dear pain my partner in this emotionless crime
PLEASE! DO LEND ME A DYING WISH….

By: One Pamela Pusumane.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER AND AUTHOR.

Slowly I fade away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like I am rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
Life is a two faced ***** who will stab you in the back
Does not care whether you blue, green or black
At last, I got the memo; at last I get the picture because there was never one
Truth be told I never did belong… life treated me like a disposable material
Even some materials are recycled.. What about me then?  Aint  I that worth it?
I wish I could find someone who loves me for me…
Someone who does not sell me empty promises and then leave me dry, hanging and afraid of the world
Its funny enough I sought to the devil for refuge... …Was willing to shed blood to belong
But… but he too even dumped me! I look to the heavens for solace but I receive denunciation
They made me feel like there was nothing left of me
Am I wrong for wanting more? Am I a sinner for asking for acceptance?
My knees be blue and black from praying loud yet silent unanswered prayers
My heart bleeds as I illuminate a fake smile…my dark soul suffocates me
I gasp for air as if I am in a pit of hell. No… I am in hell
I search this world seeking where I could fit in….. but to no avail
I guess everyone does belong somewhere right? This god had a plan!
A well constructed script that included everyone even the unwanted extras
What about me then? That’s a question I ask as the heavens deny me placate
That’s my case against the world….. Because the world sold me a dream
A dream that was a blunt twisted lie because life proved me wrong
My blood runs cold with a chill
****! I think I might need that ecstasy pill
I put on my pride…… hell life took me for a **** ride! I now watch from the side
At last as I make my final choice …. To depart this earth...
This trap, this tunnel of horror with no glimpse of light
Dear too late... …. If ever this note reaches you ... In this exact moment when you read it
It then means at last you got what you wanted
At last you may never ever understand because... Because
You never really knew me….at last I just faded into the background

I toss and turn as monsters hunt me in my dreams . I wish and pray for a fairy godmother who can return me to my mothers womb. Being born was not my agreement to this cold harsh world.

I used to find answers at the bottom of a bottle and happiness at a touch of razor blade .. Then life came and told me stories about stupid friends and fake sunsets . He told me or happy endings tied in a bow and I felt for it . Every **** bit.

I tore myself down and hoped that I could be better everyday. That I could fit the picture that they were looking for  but I never did . Instead I told myself lies because I needed to sleep at night . Even for an hour before God switched the lights back on.

I now realize pain is not something you leave behind , it owns you for life so why denied it? Your shadow leaves you but your blade never does . And trust me you can fbe me love at the bottom of a bottle .

Never have I seen death so beautiful until today..
He came into my dreams and we took a tour of the world.
I have never had such fun, I have never laughed so much.

It was painful to watch such a "live"  soul accused of such crimes.
I mean he is the sole reason why we keep photographs and portraits
In everyday life we appreciate what we have and cherish it because death inspires us to.

Never have i seen such beauty wrecked, but then again that humanity,
we wreck everything we touch and blame it all on evolution and development.

Death visited me today and never have I felt such warmth and love
Death visited me today and all that I saw is a misunderstood being.
Death visited me today and never have I been so content.

As the day dawns on me so do my scars
They now retreat back into my pale skin
I then see deception entering the room
I welcome him with opens arms

This is a man I have missed...
These are the lies I have yearned for because I have been loosing sleep
Never have I been so in love, never have I been so content
Never have I seen such a strong grip by lust nor death

Preacher sold me lies today in church...
he stood there and said there is "happiness"
but I ask thee, I ask the deceptive figure that lay before me
Is it happiness or simply deception that keeps us going..

Some call it faith, fate, hope ,persistence, perseverance... all those names
But I know its true form, I know its true nature
Its deception.. it creeps every time....
Because we cant accept it we call it "Names"

I watch you sleep everytime..... for hours on end I just stare at you. I replay scenes in my mind of "us"..

I get carried away with you being mine to the point were I loose touch with reality.. you are on the other side and I from another.....

We are the typical Romeo and Juliet ending.. atleast that's what I used to think,,, till I jumped in front of bullet for you and you called me insane,, I call it love, toxic love..
I need a piece of you in you life.. People get their "Fix" from caffeine and whatever, my "fix" is you..

So tonight let me watch you sleep and lets forget about the woman next to you , the woman who is the mother of you three kids,, the woman who I will never be,,, because this is what I term as intoxicating lust..

I put pen to paper as I try to express my emotions.
I put blade to skin as I try to draw my pain .
I scream and shout as though life would look back and give me another chance.
After relentless echoes of my piercing wail I start to do my ***** laundry on the streets. Society glares at me with utter disgust.
What they see is a figure who does not belong.

I am a man in a foreign place, a foreign object I suppose.
Like a speck of dust I cling onto the open space..
May be someday I might belong somewhere, anywhere but here.
Because this place refused my ***** laundry.

If you are going to walk out you should do it now.
Don't look back or say anything. Just go. You lingering here just makes it harder for me.

Don't tell me you love me because you don't, if it was love it shouldn't have been this painful.

I had dreams and ambitions , I was a ******* a mission.
I had to no time for jokes and stuff. I had my eye on the prize, everything was great. Fantasies were not for me .

One day life came knocking at my door and hit me with the cold truth.
It was something different than what I have experienced, In a fraction of  a second I lost everything... I watched my dreams fade,,
My world was slowly fading awaiting like light when darkness take over.

They say there will always be light at the end of a long tunnel.
I tell you today that there is no light, more darkness prevails and owns the day.

Who am I to think I was different from the rest, who am I to think I could make the best from the worst?
Who am I to have ambitions beyond reality?
Who am I to have dreams?

Echoes from within-
The constant ripples of these calming echoes have become my own kind of serenity.
I feel as if I am walking under water, the angel of death has struck me with his intoxicating arrow.
When these unknown echoes bounce off the invisible walls that surround me I am able to stop time.
I move to the rhythm of this darkness, sway to the tempo of the echoes that have invaded me for so long. Hell this isn’t a cold war no more. .  I reminisce over the day I made my choice. The day I was saved by these unknown echoes, the day I received this freedom that has me enslaved.

As I walked down the aisle, my shadow comforts me. I look back and smile. At least someone stayed behind.
I stood at the altar, my bare feet adorning the cold floor. Taking in all of what I deserved, nothing.
I stood at the cold altar, looking death in the face as I said my vows; I pledged my life, confessed my eternal love.  As I engraved death’s name across my chest, my empty hallow chest.

My long walk to freedom is an infinite road, a deadly labyrinth that has me going in circles.
These cold metals hold me in my right place, like gravity they hold me down, down where I belong.
As these chains cut deep into my skin, I feel a bit of relief. I still appreciate the pain that never left me.
I am filled with gratitude as this sharp razor blade embraces my flawless skin, as I receive the only love I’ve ever known.
This is the kind of love that fills me with uttermost joy, love that life could not give me.
As this sharp blade carves into my pale skin I drift into my happy place, my safe place.
The clinking sound of the cold metals sinking into my skin sends me on a rampage inside this comforting cage. If I don’t have these echoes I have nothing!

As the spotlight focuses on me, I can’t help but disappear into the background.
I am dead beat from chasing these shadows that deprecate me into nothing.
I see my pain bouncing off these walls like relentless echoes that end up in this empty space.
As this red liquid drips and dances to the rhythm of my empty beating chest I curse the darkness that gave birth to me.
This deep dark dripping liquid, matches the pulse of these echoes that surround me, these unknown echoes.
As I stand on top of this mountain that amounts to the sins against me: cases against my innocent tainted blood I can’t help but scream. I question the shadows that surround me I summon the death that gave birth to me, but what I hear are echoes of my own voice.

As this deep dark red liquid drips from my wrist I feel at ease. I feel as though I have paid the universe. I hope to lose myself in time, in space like the resonance that suffocates me.
I hope that this deep dark red pool that I lay in will help me float into the sunset. Award me the freedom I long begged for. I am tired of chipping bits of my dark soul in order to fit the picture, tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders, tired of chasing the fast spotlight. What I have, what I own, what I know are these echoes from within me, echoes unknown.

I have found comfort in random places
I found love in the sharpest places
I am a man and I can lie

A girl trapped in a glass house
I wear a mask to hide all the pain
I do not fantasize about boys and six packs
I lust for death and its warm embrace
I guess it could offer me peace ..
It could offer me closure like these scars on my arms

I hate it when these "strangers" shed tears for me
I hate it when these people pity me
They say its because they love me
But I dont feel it....

There is no love, who could love ...
Darkness gave birth to me,,, she then left me to rot in hell
I now walk among these "happy" souls who believe lies to get thru the day
And sometimes I need to bleed so that I can check if I am truly human
Because in this glass house, time and space are no more....

Its been months since pen ad paper visited
I guess we have all been busy. Caught up.
Consumed by the world around us,
To and fro trying to prove my worth to
those who still leave me anyway.

I drown from liquid to liquid
and yet I never find oceans where my ancestors drowned in
I could never find the voice that has been calling me .
begging for me to join life on the Otherside of the veil

Getting out of bed seems to be a mission
chasing daydreams of finding love and acceptance
I guess I am now back to the only One that will forever accept me
Pen and paper . silent yet loud. accepting yet sometimes so harsh with
pounding rejection because most times I can't even disvirgin paper
so i remain there .. clueless on what steps to take.
I think that's why I am still searching for my worth in random places.
Reasons why people I used to care about became random faces

I Never Wanted,,,To Believe,,,
Until One Day,,,When It Happened To Me,,,
That,,,A Love,,,At First Sight,,,
Is Something,,,That Could Never Really Be,,,


And That Such A Thing,,,Only Happened,,,
In Dreams,,,And In Fairy Tales,,,
Until The Day,,,That You stood there
Right In Front Of Me,,,

And Without,,,,Ever knowing you every being ,,,
And Without,,,Even Knowing  your Full names
Can Someone,,,Please,,,Explain To Me,,,
How he Set,,,My Heart,,,To Flame,,,

And Now I Believe,,,In A Love,,,At First Sight,,,
And For Just,,,That One Moment,,,In Time,,,
I Have Finally Found,,,That Piece Of Mind,,,
That I Have Searched,,,My Entire Life To Find,,,

And In That Moment,,,A Feeling Of Complete Serenity,,,
Like Nothing I Had Ever Known,,,Came Over Me,,,
Like A Tsunami,,,Washing Everything Out To Sea,,,
A Love,,,At First Sight,,,Had Taken A Hold On Me,,,


Like Skies Of Blue,,,On A Cloudless Day,,,
Like Starry Skies,,,Underneath The Milky Way,,,
A Love,,,At First Sight,,,Can Only Be Described,,,
Like A Whirlwind,,,That Carries You Away,,,
And There Is Nothing,,,That You Can Do,,,Or Say,,,

Until You stood In Front Of Me,,,
I Thought That,,,A Love,,At First Sight,,,
Was Something,,,That Could Never Be,,,
And Things Like This,,,Only Exist,,,
In Dreams,,,And In Fairy Tales,,,
But,,,That Was Before,,,I Fell,,,
In Love,,,At First Sight,,,With You,,,

God owes us a  FAVOUR
I never understood
why bad things happen to good people.
I still find it hard to hide behind
scriptures as I tip toe around grim rippers.

God owes us a Favour!
Flavour flames your kindness could not be tamed
your smile is a flame on its own
You set hearts alight
and spark you own kind fire.

God owes us a Favour !
I wish god could have given her a death waiver
because I thought he was our saviour. I hope angels above
welcome you with open arms.

I somewhat used to enjoy my own company , the emptiness of the cold room reminded me of what "is", it kept me in check i suppose. I had dinner with death as we drowned our sorrows together, me ******* about what perfect way to end it all while death listened in disgusted awe, because I was  flirting with something he couldnt have:LIFE. At that point he wanted to be  me and I, him...

He whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he convinced me otherwise... He said the time was not yet right. Truth is I   love him ,  so I listened. He then showed me a different way, truth is he gave me a friend no one could be..... the cold blade against my skin felt like silk,, it moved swiftly ..... it cut deeply.. like the pain that I had,,, death said its better to wear it on the outside..... he said it will be a magical picture to witness on our wedding night, when i submit to him.....When i finally become him and he , me.

I used to be afraid that one day you will leave me.
I had nightmares of you walking out of that door, leaving me to start all over again.
I used to think without you there is no tomorrow , there is no life, no time nor space

One day you walked away, shut the door on my face, just like that.
For hours it felt like I could not breath , time stopped. I stopped.
Thoughts that went through my mind were to dark, even for me.
I was reminiscing nightmares I used to have before you.

Well today I woke up and hit me, I am alive. I am alive.
You are not here and I am still breathing.....
I don't know why I was afraid of the sound of that door shutting me out.
I have heard it so many times, like a  chorus to a song I love,,, I sing along to it.

Walk and make sure you never come back. I will roll out a **** red carpet just for you. I will open the door shut, so ajar that time will get tired of passing through.
I don't beg anymore, I don't care anymore.. I am alive... more alive than ever before and you know why.. because you are not here......

So as you walk down the street I will ignore you, because you don't exist.. and I am not about to relapse..
You were never my life support, I was your life support,,, your oxygen , your beating heart...

I keep hearing of this master plan,, the grand plan,,, and NO,, don't try to preach to me,, I know the whole bible,, even the banned scriptures.
I have searched for answers but found none.
I am tired of carrying this cross, I cant do this any more.....

I have been to churches,, I have heard the preacher sell hope like my mother sold me,, God's master plan right?
I have had to dogged bullets in the darkest places, have had to carry peoples dreams and responsibility in my own highway of dreams.

I have had to die so that some can survive, Never loved so that someone can get a second chance in life.
Truth is being a saint did not help me, made miserable.. still does..
Can I please change the canvas? or bring in new colors..

Perhaps beyond the horizon there is a new background....
A reality that man denies himself..
A lighter burden perhaps...
or more reverse psychology to make me face tomorrow

I never understand the beauty they see when they look at me. I mean whats beautiful about the aftermath of war........
I can understand manufactured beauty that comes at the cost of a paintbrush..... some expensive lipstick .... that type of illusion that will make them look twice.

What I don't understand is when you tell me that I am beautiful at random times or when you text me to ask how my day is going.... I dont understand how you can think of me when I cant think of me.... I dont understand when you tell me you love me..Who could love such a mess??

I dont understand how you take 10 steps forward when I am always backing away 10 times more.... I dont understand what you see that my mirror hasnt showed me.. Last time I checked demons dont love and I am sure there is no shade better than black.. I just dont understand.

Yesterday I read this funny joke and I immediately dialed ur number....
After a few seconds of battling with reality I hung up.
I went into the deli today and ordered your favorite meal... I never like it but yesterday was different.. it was like part of you was there.

I slept on your side of the bed ... I somewhat thought it would make me feel better and close enough to you but no... it *****!
I think I am finally accepting the fact that I miss you so much that it hurts,,,
I cant breath,,,,, sleeping is a mission because every night I cry myself to sleep.... and I wish you were the every time...to hold me in your arms ,, tell me its going to be Ok, that you are there for me... But these are just thoughts and desires... glimpses of the past that I can never have back...

I cant pretend anymore.. I miss you... .....

I look at the pale figure that lay before my eyes and I cringe with sheer hate.
I stare in disgust awe as I think of a million ways not to be here.
She stares at me and smiles, for a moment I do not notice it.

The mask she wears is perfect, it was her second skin.
She makes pain look more appealing than that love story ending.
Darkness hoovers over her because it lusts after her soul.
Thoughts that run through her mind have no bounds

She stands at the cold alter, waiting upon death.....
The cold blade against her skin reminds her of the love to come..
She then digs deeper and deeper,,,,,, till she is home... free @ last..
Free from hating, free from everyone... free... just free....

The simple thing we ask for in life are never what we get. We surround ourselves with objects, people and in the end get attached because we all want to belong somewhere. Individuals would rather surround themselves with their enemies than face the music....

We would rather befriend the very thing we hate because we simply cannot be alone.
We would rather stay in a broken home, at least it is a home.
We would rather say we have friends when we don't because in this life you can never find a person who understands.

We find only those who will look past our flaws.
We hate death because it has no feelings, what we feel its not hate but admiration and adoration,,, we don't want to feel.... Because nothing hurts more than rejection.

Nothing hurts than letting your guard down and having life give up on you.

Eternity has passed, time never stood still, I am the one who stood there.
I refused to take a leap of faith, believe in whatever and be positive.
May be at this moment I could be in your arms.we could be making memories under the moonlight or kissing in the rain as nature washes away my faults, we could have our own version of "The Notebook"

I go to bed everyday with 'what if's".... that's why I end up wanting the devil to knock me out.
I moved past the point of crying myself to sleep.
Truth is I got tired of everyone telling me how I messed up, what path I should have taken.

I am slowly getting tired of my own heart beat, why are all these people telling tales I already know?
We all cant be happy, I get it but can you allow me to right my wrongs?
I am tired of sipping on bottles, tired of these white pills . I cant be perfect but can I at peace with my regrets.

You let me down every time....
Your judgement destroys whats left of me every time,,,
Instead of letting these tears fall I prefer to smile..
I throw the lamp at you so that I can miss..
I scream so you can tell me to calm down...

I Push you away so you can pull me closer...
To hate you means I once loved you.. I still do.
It hurts to see you everyday and act like I dont care
It hurts that every time I am happy the first person I want to tell is you.

It hurts to love you, every time....
It hurts that everyday I dream about waking up next to you
It hurts that every time you never notice me...
You can be among-st a crowd and I will still find you..
That's because I love you and it hurts , every time...
And finally it hurts to accept that you dont know how I feel

Messages wrapped in pink bows were never my cup of tea.
Let me have it out in the open, lay your true self out and allow yourself to have a holy dance with your monsters.

For once, crucify yourself for sins overdue and preach the fear you have been trying to escape. If you cannot save yourself, try saving someone. We must be worth something. We must.
-One

Today I looked in the mirror and for a moment I felt pretty.
I laughed and sang along to a song that I did not know the words to.
Today "happy" knocked on my door and I let him in...
Today depression took a day off.

I dont want to be the reason why you cry urslf to slip everynyt, waking up the next morning with a fake smile. I will admit to my mistakes and imperfections because they are flaws that resurface only because i try too hard to make u smile or make U remember enough not to forget me.

I guess i got hooked on the happy ending part and i forgot about the happy beginning.I want everyday to end with a smile , not a fake smile. i want everyday to end with an I LOVE YOU  not as a "formality" but an authentic feeling that you genuinely have.

I will never be perfect but let me be perfect for you, teach me how to make you happy, how to make the day end with a smile, because seeing you happy is what completes a day for me...

I dont wake up with intentions to ruin ur day or break the promises that i made. I wake up with intentions to be that bit of happiness in a bad day that you are having. I can go only that far, because thats how far you let me into your world, thats how far "this" goes.

These big wallls that sorround you are made of concrete that i cant break down, barriers that make me look like the bad person. I only push you to your limits because I want to see you explode, see you break down so that atleast you would let me in to help you pick up the pieces.

I am not a fragment of your past that keeps on appearing into your new future, stop treating me like i wont understand because whats the point of me playing all my cards while you have stacks hidden up your sleeve? Its a long shot but for "this' to work, you have to take it.

Dinner was a mission, I often wonder if we are to
eat, sleep and ONE day die.  Someone from across the dinner
table asked me why I chew  on my chicken bones and sometimes
Leave the meat... I brushed the question off and said
"its an Africa thing. You know putting some respek on the chicken"

What I tell myself before I sleep is that at least I had
a chance to destroy something. Tear it down.hell grind it down to
dust and leave it like that. I enjoy draining the life out it.
watching the bone marrow seep out of the cracked
bones reminds of myself. Reminded of my shattered soul and
my will to live that seeps out of my shattered self every **** day.

I am reminded of everyone who has come and stripped me of my
"meat" whether I called it worth , sacrifices I made or simply trying to find love in places where rejection taught me that black skin
can bruise.
I am reminded that I  can chew these bones as hard as I want to and
then leave them without any sorry lingering in the air.
For once,  I get to destroy someone and walk out.
That's the only time I could feel worth it, I had the last say.
That's the only time I could turn into the monsters
that chipped   me into tiny pieces and taught me 2nd best is okay.

But these are just lies I mask as the truth. .. I look up to my classmate across the dinner table and smile. All is well. All is well. Just another mask I have to wear,,,,, Another lie I have to sell.....

Look what I’ve done.
World, look at me. I am pretty. Accept me.
Facebook like, love or whatever reaction cradle
Me in your arms like my mother never did
Tell me I matter.
Kiss me under the stars just
To prove to me that my dark past does not need
To overshadow my flickering happiness.
Let me breath you in just to prove that
This yin and yang mystery can be real.
Two hearts can synchronize.


Look what I’ve done.
Mommy look at me past my disappointments
Lover, look at me like I am the definition of perfection.
Toy with my bleeding heart like a **** in a chess game.
Dangle me. Make me feel whole and leave me empty.
Make me realize that I keep loving “deep” statuses
Because I find pieces of myself in them.
I keep trying to find my voice because
She ran away for me.


Look what I’ve done.
Look at what I am. I am alive.
I didn’t tap out. I survived.
I faced my demons and won some battles.
Lost more but I am here.
Look at me burying those I love.
I went out to hunt grief and before I left
I dug two graves.
One for my happiness and the other for my pain.


Look at what I have done.
God look at me!
Tell me why you never left
A suicide note to explain why I became a monster
The reason why you sent guardian angels
to protect us because we break everything we touch.
We hate happiness because it reminds us of something
we can hold onto for a lifetime.
Look at me. I hate death because
She reminds me of regret and the I love you
That I could have and should have said.
The I am sorry and the tight hugs.
A constant reminder that a beating heart
Is sometimes life distilled to its purest form.


Look at what I’ve done.
I became the human I promised to never become.
The alcoholic my mother is. The abuser that was my father.
My emotionless grandfather.
My voiceless grandmother.
The friend who ignores friends when
They need me most because I am afraid they
Wont reply to my 2am rants when I am confessing my dark secrets
How will I ever forgive myself for the things I did not become?
Look at me!
Look at what I’ve done.

LOSS
The violent waters hitting against my fragile face become bullets that punch holes through me.
I struggle to breath; as gravity deserts me because weakness left me hanging.
I look up to the heavens, I ask this god! I question the universe…..
Why me?  In this center stage I cry out! I scream! Can you hear me, Loss?
The echoes of my own voice paralyze me, left unanswered like so many of my silent yet loud prayers.
I dream of a dream where I stare down death everyday yet never befriend it.
I am a man who is running against time, hoping and wishing for the impossible. Am I sane?
I knocked on redemptions door as the heavens renounced my own mere existence.
Pain dug itself a grave and held a funeral for itself after it met “my pain”
It was a day to remember as I saw on death’s face a feeling of remorse.
Death felt pity for me; he did regret his selfless decisions of taking those I love.
Yet again I dare to use this word that I know nothing of! “LOVE”
I yearn to see a friendly face in the empty crowd; I wish to see the invisible.
I try to mirror my own horrid voice and compulsive acts
My own tears are no longer a defense against my own defense
Life slips through my fingers swiftly though as if it was water passing through
I look down on this grave and I see, I witness what life robbed me of!
All these people talk about is a land of milk and honey; does it exist?
If it does, could I departure any sooner?
I try to see the rainbow beyond this darkness… I try to witness hope.
Loss has me tied down; in its deathly grip I wriggle under death itself.
Loss has given me deathly blows that the devil never gave me.
Loss is a fiend , a master of pain beyond pain
Loss I beseech thee, keep away from my circle
Loss, in this deathly platform, I forgo myself for the “others”
Loss in this dais I am a loss to you.

I dip in and out of consciousness as if death was trying to resuscitate me, little does he know, he does not understand that I Do not want the kiss of life.

I am confused lost between 2 worlds hence they call me divergent because I don't belong to any sides.
I hang on tight to the barbed wires that lay between the two sides, as they rip off my skin I feel at ease , at peace because pain is my friend who has always been there.

Sweet sour sounds of whips and ships that bind remind me of my former calling . I have been to places where blue and black was the color of love. I see  these confused souls claiming to be saved yet they throw stones at my door.

I have been to many places and have met faces , faces that sold me lies and made ties that let me loose : hang out to dry in the wild  and even the devil was never that harsh.
I now lay in this caged prison while these so called saints wine and dine in their houses. They make loud shouts as they cry out to their god. They claim to preach the gospel , but yet they never reach their destination because this devil is busy receiving souls like dry soil in the Sahara ******* up raindrops.

I have been to hell and back and I know what the devil would pay for a lost soul. These saints shut their doors on a Sunday and claim to be free and getting the free ride upstairs yet we all collide in the same hellhole.
We have all been drinking like there is a message in a bottle and we pop pills so we could sleep better at night and have a clear conscience.

Wolves clothed in sheep rags are at the alter promising everlastingly freedom while we cry ourselves to sleep after every sermon. We give them our gold in exchange for a ride to heaven and this invisible freedom yet it's not freedom. It's infinite captivity, we move on loops and hoops of sermons and churches .

These saints can't give me light in this dark slippery path that I am on because they themselves are in the dark. They can't free me because we are in the same cage , they just haven't noticed it yet.