I constantly talk to myself. Calming myself down because I am at that point: the breaking point.
I gradually shift between reality and fantasy as though I was a trauma patient dipping in and out of consciousness.
I drug myself yet my body retaliates back like a bush fire, I am so lost. So alone.
I can’t even breathe: I can’t think. I can’t sleep. I can’t live.
I wonder....... how did I get here? I used to have everything under control. I used to be sane.
I now feel like I am a failure, caught at this crossroad where loosing is my only option.
I look back and see people cheering me on, I look to my side and I see my own ghost.
With my mouth agape, I gaze at the pale figure, distraught and condemned.
I see disappointment. I am engaged to failure and married to death.
I no longer see the thin line between hate and fate.
Looking back I think I want to play god, I want to be god.
God in this moment, in this era that I am facing. I am like the scorched earth.
I cry out for a single drop, a single drop of faith, hope and redemption.
Dear god if you ever existed, this is me calling out: this is me giving me up.
If not then let me call the angel of death, let me die from this dark cloud.
Let me die from this wonder. Let me die before I get to meet my ghost.
Let me die before disappointment says his vows; let me die before I die.
I am tired of dreaming a dream that is an illusion. Even dishonesty couldn’t sell the lie to me.

I shove you across the room, my legs fail me... my "*******" inner me fails me.
I crash to the ground, the last of me, this is it. The tipping point...
I cant do this any more, I can be what you want me to be. I kept chipping bits and pieces of my soul so that I could be good enough for you.
I did it so that you would not be ashamed of me, afraid to hold me like you did her.


I am a woman trapped in a little girls body, I still believe in unicorns dipped in magic and all I see is rainbows , I believe that someday you will love me.
When they say love is blind they were wrong, at least the blind develop a sixth sense, they know when its not real...
Well I lost all my sense, for you i pushed boundaries , for  you I defied all the laws, I defied me for you, because what?? I LOVE YOU???


Love failed me, they sold  me dreams of happy endings and what not.
Love is not fun is hell, it doesn't make me content it makes me miserable and vengeful...
Loving you failed me... I failed myself by accepting the love that I thought I deserved...............
Love don't Love me no more..

I think that in the end we would rather keep our pain than jump at a chance for joy....

We would rather hate than forgive and forget because forgiving makes it "ok".

We would rather keep our own crosses than trade for anything else...

I would rather go home to a husband who bashes my face in and his gifts to me are a couple of broken bones and bruises than take a chance with this cold world....

Once you find someone who loves u.. love u in their own kind of way... everything seems OK, perfect even... because nothing hurts more than rejection and uncertainty... It has to hurt to be "Love" ,,, right CUPID?

Love is hate because it spits me out at the shores of violent seas, and the world does not stop moving even though  3 years of  my life  are washed down the drain.Gunshots never cease and lately they have become a lullaby for my 1 year old sister who is lifeless on the floor, I mean love cannot  survive nukes.

Love is a silent tragedy because the man next door is not moved as my brother dodges bullets and cover his bleeding ears whilst trying to outrun a lion in the wild.

Love is confusion because what i see everyday is man killing one another because we have different skin tones.
Love is selfish and arrogant because it knows no boundaries nor offers any respect.Love is a ****** because it violates and strips all innocence all in the name of sacrifice.

Love is a ****** because it kills dreams in the name of honesty. Love is an idea that helps us sleep at night because deception is the fuel to survive in this cold world.Love is a conman.

Life stood on the far end of the room...
his gaze burned a hole through my empty soul
The silence was deafening.... until "he" asked..
"what is it you want from me".......
I then went on to name "peoples" dreams
Who should have what.. who deserves what
how much and why "they" deserve it..

All this time I never realized that in my own highway of dreams
In my own highway of hope and happily ever afters I carried  someones dream
I gave away my own so that "they" can have  it all.

The universe calls it love.. I call it weakness....
It took away everything ,,,,,I dont know who I am anymore
I dont know what I want anymore.... But what I know is that ,,,,
"Love" is no more because it robbed me.,

I try to piece together shattered glass because I would rather see you be whole again.
The pain I feel is worth it because without it then what am I to feel if not this.I have lived long enough to see myself become a villain, the true monster I hated, I stare myself in the mirror with disgusted awe.I somewhat comfort myself because I can stare myself through your  eyes and feel as though its not the end but the beginning.

I watch sunsets as though I was lost in some fantasy far away from fantasy world itself. I would like you to give me a deathless death because its by your hand that I will lay in this cold grave and call it a home.

Why am I of this generation?
The universe denied me joy
I now hate the world…..
It’s painful enough that I have to drown in this blissful agony
To what extent do I draw the line between hate and love?
Is it possible that I can be free as a dove?
I yearn for freedom like a slave
Because all I do is for life’s sake
No one knows me, the real
Nobody knows my smile, my joy…
The true me that illuminates when the fake pretence is stripped off
I carry hate around as though I depended on it to live
I bear great regrets that have got me whishing
Whishing I had life’s reset button
But then again it’s a wish
Since forever I will perish
I wish I had someone who could listen
And not for once glisten with judgment
I guess my own heart bleeds through paper
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
I thought I had it all
But I now realize…. Any minute now…. I might just fall
Can I have a friend who will hold my hand?
I guess the utter silence means pen and paper are forever with me
But dear paper, dear handsome pen…. may ask…
What is it to be human???

I try to hard to perfect it... someone has to notice my effort.
I drown my sorrows in a  book, cramming information into my "empty" mind according society.
I am on a high from caffeine , I have to be superwoman.. save the day, save the world and stuff...

I give my all , fight to the last second but my best is not good enough anymore. In my own highway of dreams I carry coffins of rejects.....
I am tired of writing my "wrongs" that society identified..
I am tired of being perfect and tired of being tired...

I was not good enough for my mother, who chose to find acceptance in a bottle...I had a boy for a father and a judge as society..
As time stands still I engrave all the "rejects" in my gravestone ....
Here lived a soul not goo enough for society..

I stand bu the coast and shut my eyes .. the breeze hits against my face and for a moment I feel free....
I take these white pills and for a moment I am free,,, acceptable..
I swim in these intoxicating liquid and for a second I am free... acceptable to society,, Good enough....

Today reality gave me a clear picture
I no longer see an illusion
But what I realize that my inception is my perception
Where am I? In this world I am a speckle of dust, diminutive I remain
Lost I remain, useless am I
I am tired of pretend faces
Weary of liars, cheaters and the world’s empty promises
I have seen more fake smiles
Than stupid rainbows of fantasy
I have witnessed life’s biggest moments
I watched mankind’s biggest failure
I know the feeling of defeat
Every time I come up for air
Life acts all unfair
The universe makes me the laughing stock
I have seen more backstabbers than genesis of day break
I met many monsters of this world
Monsters that are shoddier than demons that walk through the gates of hell.
They caused me more pain than piercing words of the devil himself
I have had my heart shattered to a million pieces
I have travelled pitch black paths that even darkness himself would never consider
I guess I got lost in life’s maze
I am dead beat from fighting to fit in
I am jaded from loosing invisible battles
I think it’s now Ok to say need I not any man’s opinion
I cannot take this feeling anymore
I now lay here… wondering…
How am I to escape?
Because veracity to the world
I was never human…… all I do is pretend, all I do is fake.
If life lets me… can I please ask… anyone out there?
What is it to be human????

One.
One year later and l have learnt that a light  house will survive everything and will never hold a grudge against the waves.
So let me lead you home.
Let me direct your path. Allow me to be your safety despite the destruction you have become my love.
Let me be something.

And on that day my love. You will understand why time exists. Limits and endings.

They are there for cowards like you who kidnap cupid only
To find that they cannot **** her.
You can’t demand a ransom because I was never available to the taking.
I belong to whomever is brave enough to take on my demons.
Blow after blow.Kiss after kiss. Smile after frown.

I was never  yours to own or brand .
I am the one you find at the bottom of “seen” and beside double ticks as if
Black and blue weren’t a perfect match.

I am the one you find at the bottom of a Hennessey bottle or a shot glass.
Because I hit that hard and remind you that regret and pain have a redial button.
I am the one that will remind you that I can’t be  reason
enough that mommy or daddy did not love you
Bohoo. The world is cold and dark. I am sure you if you searched deeper
and looked a bit longer
You will see that god doesn’t just send angels to look over us for no reason
We are monsters that need guarding.
Don’t play with fire if you are not ready to burn all the way
This love game is for grown-ups. Sit down and play with your toys.
Let the adults handle this.
Be a coward. Walk away and I hope that one day you will have the courage to look
Back on days when assessing liquids and suffocating in thick clouds
gives you the strength to do so.
Find me in the darkness and in the light.
I am the Yin and Yan. ***** being either One.
I am both. I am what they call the One.
Your beginning and your end.
Since you have ended this journey, let me start. One.

I keep hoping that this god will answer my prayers..
I wonder....
and

   wonder.....

Why does he keep me alive when  all I have is pain? I watched my mother walk out on me at the age of One.... I needed my father and he was only a figure in some stupid fairy tale book.. I need you to hold me in your arms,,
for once I want to admit that I am not okay. for once I want take off this mask....

for once I want to admit that I enjoy this pain, for once I want this sharp blade to love me even harder,,, deeper and in more ways that my other could not..... stay here with me and be a father that I desperately needed.....

I dont see stars in the sky,,, all I see is darkness , pain and suffering,,,, There was never a happy ending,, only a fragment of your imagination because you could not take the pain and for once know the meaning of pleasure..

Cupid wants his arrow back because he said love dont love me
I dont get intoxicated by spells  that have the hearts of cold men
I guess I am different, unique or whatever ...
we all need to believe in something to get through the day.
we all tell ourselves lies, love those who will never love us back
in the end,we are all alone. Just like cupid.

Life never cares. it takes what it wants when it want.
Death is a wrongly accused victim.

Its funny how you put yourself as a priority in my mere life..
Its outright hilarious how your tricks don't work on me no more.
Life is too short, I don't to retakes or reruns..
I am tired of building myself up only for you destroy me.

I don't have time for your issues for I have my own
I don't have time for you tears because I have mine, remember?
I don't have time for you because I am doing me now and it feels awesome

You are like a speckle of dust.... lost in space and time because in my world you don't exist... you never did...

I have never been a big fan of rejection. I play hide and seek with its shadows because I cannot come into terms with the fact that you don't want me. I feel as though I am holding you back from living.

I hesitate when I call your name because I know you would rather have the silence or rather me silenced by life. So my love I will sit in my quiet corner and slowly fade away into the darkness.I will not make a single sound nor will I breath because I am burden to everything. everyone. Even me.

Tell me not of no joy
For you have never faced death
Nor have you seen pitch black days
Where a black man re -wrote history books
And became the monster of all
But then again I have seen a black man change the world
I have seen the human race believe in a split second.
In a dark room I lay, tired, exhausted and fed up with life’s empty promises!
There is no sunshine at the end of the stupid rainbow
No knight in shining amour
Only the devil with blows that are beyond me
Trials that become my life, like words engraved they now define me.
If heaven does have a highway, I would love a ride
I am weary of sitting on the side
Long gone have I forsaken my pride?
I cry out, yet my snivel remains silent to the world.
What I am to do?
Even loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
I build a wall so high that it will reach space
Because then, may be, just may be… the universe might listen to my case
I now believe I am not of this generation
Never will I be driven by desperation
I gaze to the heavens for consolation
But all I receive is **** condemnation
Defeat is a feeling I have, it lies below
Beneath the plains of my pain
Surges through me like a speeding train
Takes me high and low that I feel so drained
Like a prisoner I feel suffocated, tied, clamped and so much in a chain
What the hell I am I to gain
I guess I now know the feelings of Cain
I now can say the universe is not fair
Need I not no fate nor luck
Reality just gave me a blow
Lost I remain, like a speckle of dust I mean nothing to the world
But my question to anyone out there……
What is it to be human…….

We stab each other with vicious words that we silently take back...
I shove you across the floor and tell you that I hate you even though the only thing I want to say is that I love you ..

I tell the whole word that you are a joke and a **** looser.. but inside you are my knight in shining amour. The one that I would run to when I am in need. Truth is I am tired   of this silent war of pretense .. I love you and I need you.....

I embarked on a journey, a road trip to search for the unknown among the invisible
The loud clatter, the cold silence, keeps me still and restless.
I hold my head up high, and then suddenly I receive deathly blows that sent me to my cold grave. I look up and I witness that “mercy” is the one beating me to a pulp.
At this point my knees are bruised, black and blue from praying silent yet loud unanswered prayers.
Life passes me by as if I did not exist, time refused to stand still as the wrath of the meek invaded me.
For a split second I thought I found redemption, hope and sheer peace. I was wrong. i am wrong.
What did I ever do to this evil world? I do everything by the book, everything!
But then I guess sometimes everything is not enough. I am not enough.
I drown in my own pool of blood, I think now life is trying to give me closure.
I think I am beginning to see the clearer picture: if all there was ever one.
Life is not fully of rainbows and stories about riding into the sun set.
Its not about the knight and shining armor who rescues the damsel in distress. Life is life.
When you are young “they” painted a beautiful picture. The best there ever was.
As I grew the paint started to peel, the canvas disintegrated before my own eyes.
Even the greatest painter like Picasso could not rescue or paint “my picture”
Harsh conditions of this dear world rendered me my worst nightmares.
Now as I paint my own picture, I have nothing but this dark background.
I try to reminisce all there ever was but memory led me to my dark grave.
These dark graves were I was born; even the slaves did not want me!
Life has created desolation and called it uttermost peace and happiness.
Death. Death. Death is my only friend, my only choice.
At I time like this, I forget that I was never given a choice; life made the choice for me.

I drown in toxic pool so that i can reach a piece of my soul.
I gulp down another glass of clear liquid. I shut my eyes and make a stupid wish.
For a moment I pray that the earth stops in the mist of my pain and confusion.The truth serum invades my blood stream and is only then that I face my own fears. That is when I open the door for the devil.
A devil that I fear to face so in this very moment please tear me apart.
Tear me apart and do  it again tomorrow. and the next day and the day after till death is at my beck and call wishing to give me a kiss of life.

As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
My dark soul dances to a silent tune as my heart bleeds through a piece of paper
I view a reflection, an illusion that I thought will never exist
It was though as if it was a fragment of my imagination
I hear the echo of my own pain slowly being masked by a bit of happiness
Slowly my pain fades away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like its rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I looked to the heavens and they denied me placate
But now, this reflection illuminates the dream I once had... That victory that I envisioned
Pain is a dead end street with deathly blows that will send anyone to the grave
I have been a slave of my own imperfections, blurred vision I had because of the constant pain
Could not see what laid before my eyes because I was busy digging my own grave
Life had me begging for a dying wish because I never took notice of the reflection before me
Lesson learned is that everyone makes their own happiness
Life does not have a manual to go by or some set of rules..
Finally I am the ******* the other side…happy and lively

There is nothing more scarier than stripping your soul naked for someone who might not accept you.There is nothing more poetic than a man who is not afraid to feel nor fear walking through the burning fields of love. The kind of man that touches the depths of your soul in a way you never imagined. In places you never knew existed.

There is nothing more romantic than a man who destroys your walls and helps you build bridges...the kind of bridges that supports you and your burdens day in and out. There is nothing more romantic than a man who melts your heart by just starring at you.... there is nothing more rewarding than be loved.....

God never told me that monsters are born in heaven until I saw a guardian angel by my side. That's when I realized monsters needed to be guarded . I think for too long I have been forgetting that the day of my conception was the  exact moment when god signed my death sentence .

I
Cant
Breath
Anymore.
I am out  of options.
The
road
has
come to
an end.
No where to run.

Some things you cannot compete with . You just a have to miserably tear yourself down and hope that the next person likes the "perfection" that you have built for them . I guess there is fun in waiting for your own funeral because death has never looked so beautiful.

I wonder if any of it was ever real. I was so busy tearing myself down so that I could be perfect for you. They say love will change you and I thought it would be the good type of change.

Not the type that has me crying myself to sleep every night.Not the type that has me chasing hesitant a  tomorrow and false confidence at the bottom of a bottle. I keep thinking I just need time to heal... but time is a mean ******* who just turns scars into open wounds that would never heal.Time watched me burn to the ground and smiled. He watched as my heart was torn to pieces .....

There is no life in life . There are no  butterflies and rainbows at the end.... So I will retreat back to the darkness that gave birth to me, back to the mother who "loved" me in her own way. I will cling onto it as if it was the last breath I would take. I will go back to my ruins and stop mourning dreams that were never mine to begin with... This time my own  darkness will shine bright...

I lay awake at night because I am afraid that I will become a failure
I fear that I will be worthless , unwanted and never thought of.
I open my eyes to look into the open space,, thoughts crash through my mind......


What if my life is a waste, what if society never accepts me for who I am because the hang onto ideals that are null in today's world.
What if my family is not proud of me or if I never live up to the "figure" of me they have painted in their minds.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere, belong to someone and be loved
I am for asking for billions, I am not asking for a diamond ring , What I ask is that these fears never come to pass,, May the disappear into thin air,
may the fade away ,, fade away like memories of me  in the hearts of those that I love silently......

I don't care what you did in your past, what  I  care about is now; the present, this moment were its just you and me.

I am not saying I am not hurt by the fact that you may be in pain, what I am saying is that loving you is my goal. All these other mistakes that are in the way are just trials that I will pass, i have been spending time with love and feel like I should give you a piece.

God knows you need it more than I do, I  need you to smile so that i can smile. I need to you to love so that I too can love. I wont pause such a moment that reminds me of the painful reality, what i would freeze is the moments were you smile, even if its just a fraction of a second in my own dreams.

I am not asking for the world, i am not asking for money, i am  not asking that you have to look like a Brad Pitt or be the Beyonce of the world: what i am asking is for, what i am asking is to love you, plain and simple as you will allow it, even just for today before god turns off the lights.

I don’t have exultant memories of childhood
Never have I build stupid sand castles in the air
All I am I owe to pain
I have never shared a genuine smile
At the end… everyone always leaves
So life…… I am going to leave you first
I would rather save myself the disappointment
I feel lost in a cave that is pitch black
I try to yell for help
But all I hear is the echo of my own pain
The thing about pain is that you will never ever gain
But then again when you feel it…. You still know that you are alive
My soul cries out yet there is still silence
I have travelled the world searching for answers
I have gone places searching for redemption
I have met many faces seeking consolation
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I wish not to be of this generation
That is forever driven by desperation
I think I am beyond repair
I seem not to fit anywhere
The mistake I make is letting my guard now
Life has no sympathy... it never cares just like everyone around
I am sick of lies at least politics lie for a reason and you know why

Everyone has a life to live and people to impress, no one has time to listen.
Never be fooled by those who tell you they are here for you because those are all lies.

They strip you down only to display your wrongs to mankind and mock you. They they tell you to embrace your inner man and drop the act. When you do friends turn to strangers and no one cares anymore because nobody wants baggage.I guess everyone has a son story.

In the end you lie in bed with the devil and hope that his touch can offer what they could never give you. They could never give you freedom but the devil will grant it to you today.

I make writings on the wall as I try to convey my true feelings.
I can no longer feel my heart beat.. I am just there.. living for nothing.
I loved love and it did not love me back.
I carved out its name onto my chest,,,, swept it off its feet but no....

I carried the burden that came with "love" because i though the end would be bliss..
Not pure agony and stuff.. I thought love was supposed to be beautiful
I thought love was supposed to make me have this feeling in my stomach that made me feel like i could be invisible

I woke up today and I realized i have been living in a bubble.
I realized love dont love me  no more.. it never did.
I lied and told myself it was LOVE  because that was the only way
the only way i could deal with the pain, disappointment and my excuse for a life.


So... why love love when love dont love me?

I don’t think you now I exist but in my world you are my Greek god.
I wish my body was a canvas that you slowly paint

Your fingers would be the brush that moves to the rhythm of our souls as we create perfection, perhaps become it.
I get lost in your eyes, hoping that I could gaze into them all day because they have me hypnotized
In my time of need I would lean on your broad shoulders where I find comfort and warmth.
I would like you to linger around like Fabric softer clasping onto laundry
I want to taste you again and again even though I know that it would be wrong. I know that you will be addiction because boy you have me hooked.

I want to kiss you, every inch of you as if my life depended on it.
I daydream about you collapsing so that I could give you mouth resuscitation for all eternity
I will hold you in my heart till I can hold you in my arms.

I keep checking on my phone from time to time.
I think I am hallucinating, seeing that red beep to indicate that someone pretends to care about me.
I hit the refresh button on my browser,, May be Facebook has something for me,, Or all these other billion apps.

But No,, the world don't care about me. I take a moment to exhale before I jump into my safety net.... reality.. I think we all want to belong somewhere..
I want someone to notice when I am gone... I want someone to care when I fake a smile.. or throw a dramatic tantrum.. That someone used to be you.

The truth is life is busy being life ... and you are busy holding someone in your arms,, where I belong. You are busy wiping someone's tears away that I drown in my own pool of tears.. You forgot me... just like that.. its like I never existed ....... Do I even exist?