I left home
Aged 10
Put on a bus and away I went
Gone to oblivion
Into the void
Mum standing on the platform
Growing smaller as the bus drove away
Already gone.
Now a man, I return to that bus
Where that boy should have never been.
I take him in my arms
And hold him,
I will not let him go!
He can come home to me,
Stay with me in my home-heart.
We can be together, friends, brothers, partners, companions at arms.
You are safe now with me my boy!
I will not let you go.

Today I stood for a hour beneath a tree
The rain steadily falling
Cascading. Bouncing through the leaf canopy
Of golden ocher
Leaves fell
Rain fell
And I was at peace

Stillness that I have not felt for... Many months

I awake to a cool splash on my nose
It runs down my fave and I wipe it away
The forest sings to me
A gentle pitter patter melody
Leaves greet the earth
And I am still


A leaf lands on my arm

I am a ghost
Do you see me?
I hide in the shadows
I fear you.
My essence is cold
The heart of steel.
Fear rages within me
Drawing me in with its astringent pull.
Fear is my home
I abide there
Like a shadow in the cupboard beneath the stairs
Long lost.
What hope is there
In dispair?
In the cold dead of night I wander
Feeling the kinship of the dark.
Slipping past trees and alleys I taste fragments of life,
A wrapper that once contained chocolate...
Or something sweet
They draw me to them and I inhale that which once was.
What is left for me
But the night?

The moth likes to hide,
He stays in the dark,
When it's light outside,
He'll blend with some bark.

Moth loves the light,
He may be obsessive.
When the sky is dark,
he can be possessive.

He flies through the night
With sensory perception,
His world is alight
Through the power of detection.

He is contained and discreet,
He doesn't like to be seen.
He's happiest when still
And abiding serene.

He's sensitive to touch
And easily hurt.
He's gloriously brown,
The colour of dirt.

He has no extra
Airs and graces
But you may not see him
Because you are too impatient

He is there,
Hidden, in magnificent ochre,
Obscured in plain sight
The moth playing poker.

Would you like to know this man
In the life mask?
He will tell you his truth,
You just need to ask.

F
A
T
H
E
R
                       WHAT
           D
           O
           E
           S

THIS

                                                        ­  WORD

MEAN?



IT MEANS

           CHALLENGE

STRENGTH

                               C O N N E C T I O N
                                                       H
                                                       R
                                                       O
                                                       U
                                                       G
                                                       H

LOVE



                                       BUT
                                    NOT
                     ­            LIKE
                              MOTHERS
                      ­           LOVE
                          

                              ­                       DAD
                                                     LOVE
IS

            DIFFERENT



HARDER                                          ­TO

                                  SP
                        ­         OT

CONTAINED

                               C O N T
                                           A
                                    G     I
                                    N I N

HARDER

                                       LIKE
                                       A
                                       WALL


BUT THERE  N O N E  T H E  L E S S

like a flowing river

THAT LEADS TO THE SEA

         TO THE ANCESTORS

                   TO THE  S O U L

                            OF A MAN

"Keep quiet because you might be seen,
Keep quiet because you may not be known!
Be quiet
Stay silent
Say nothing,
Or little as is safe.
Do nothing or you may be noticed.
Do nothing or you may be counted,
Exposed,
Lit by the spotlight of community.
Stay safe,
Stay hidden,
Above all do not rock the boat,
Neither yours or anothers.

Keep your head down
and remain."

This was my advice to you,
It worked.
Was it good advice?
Did you survive?
Are you not here surviving?

But where are you now?
Have you escaped that institution?
No.
You are still there.
Locked inside that prison tomb until death takes you on its sweet ride to freedom...
or not.

I am here now and so are you
I am the one which emerged,
You are the one who hid,
And remained hidden.
And continues to hide.
I do not much care for you,
And you are too scared to challenge my place in our life
And too scared to meet the world from which you hid.
Yet we together are not happy.

I am...
what is the word?
a shadow?
Relying on others fleeting glances to function.
Like a magicians illusion,
Aware that a true gaze will reveal me,
Undo me
And see you.

Who are you?
We do not know
Because...
You so rarely show yourself.
Scared,
Alone,
You seek solitude.
And so do not discover your self which  
May only be known through others.
Through the sword or pillow play of true interaction
Of vulnerability, conflict and loss.
Through life, adventure and the longing of the soul.
Like a rock falling from a cliff,
Leaving its home of a thousand thousand years
To emerge into a sunlit day
And be worn,
Tossed by the sea,
Ground,
Ground smooth by natures abrasion.
To reveal and polish
Those fossils,
Those relics of the past,
So that they may be beautifully displayed
Not hidden.
Showing its path through time and space.

I am the shell
The empty vessel
Thoughts echo in my mind
You will discover me
Sat still,
Apparently peaceful
Or at work.
But i am not that
Not there...
For somewhere within
I am lost
Hidden or imprisoned
Trapped
Isolated
Fearful
I will not,
Cannot
Emerge
My emotional bandwidth so contsrained
I semi-live
Exist
Function
Waiting until it is safe enough to emerge
Pop the hatch
And live again...

In your dinghy with your back turned
You sail away
I stand ashore, alone
Watching
You move slowly away, never turning

I see now that you are willing me
Willing me to shout "stop"
Willing me to beg you to turn
To say "please let's try just one more time"
But I do not.

I cannot
I am a child
A boy of ten watching his mother dissappear
As the coach pulls away
And takes him to oblivion

Powerless he felt
Bereft
With no
Hope
His soul
Abandoned on the platform

Now I watch my life
Through a veil of indifference
A passive malaise
Through with which I cannot engage
I am here but not fully amongst the living
I am the abdicated king

But I am shouting my love
only in another world
In another dimension seperAted from body
My soul cries out
And tears stream down my fAce
I am on my knees on the sand
Begging you to return

But you do not hear
You cannot hear

So I Watch my life, my love sail away
And wonder if I may ever love again
If I may ever find the strength
To connect with another
With my heart broken so

I have traveled so far
And for so long
That none could conceive it possible.

My Journey of aeons and lifetimes
Has taken me through
Crystal palaces of exquisite splendor
Where I played with courtesans
The likes of which this world
Has never seen.

I have led armies into battle
Been slain and conquered a million times.

I have ridden ******* on mythical beasts
Exploring worlds of unimaginable beauty.
I've bathed in enchanted pools under cooling moonlight
And lived with the nymphs who dwell in those places.

I have dived to the depths of oceans
And fought with the mighty beasts
Who dwell in the deep.

I have explored the four corners of space,
Spent lifetimes in silent ecstasy
Breathing in and out with the stars.

I have fallen through the earth
And been held captive in the most cruel of places.
I have been cut and tormented,
Had my life ripped away
And been revived in places of daggers and pain.

I have been swept along in rivers of molten flame,
Burned until I could no longer recognize
Even my own body.
Fought, fought and fought,
Killed and been killed
Spending aeons in fear, rage and fury.

I have taken animal form,
Run with the wolves
And howled at the moon in the depths of night.

I have been killed a million, million times,
Loved and lost through bitter heart ache
As my love left me for another life
More times than I care to recall.

I have had Sons, Daughters,
Wives, Husbands, Harems.

I have lived through the greed of owning one million palaces
The hatred of murdering one million men
The love of devoting myself entirely to a precious few.

The self obsession of the inglorious "I".

Misery, torment, abandonment,
Fear, loneliness, isolation, grief... joy.
I have lived through them all
I have lived in them all!

There is not one place in this entire universe I have not visited,
Or one thing I have not owned...
And yet,
I stand here before you
Empty handed and alone.
An old man at the end of his travels,
Weary of adventure
And seeking peace...

A place to call home.

The road is not less traveled!
We play this mighty game of life and death
Never stopping to question
Or pause to think...

The question is not "When will it stop?".
The question is "When will we stop?".
When will we search for home?
Listen to that quiet, quiet voice
Which tells us to be still.
To awaken.
To see that,
From the highest palace,
To the deepest hell.
It has all been  - but a dream

We have been dreaming.

*Wake up my friends
and find peace.

He; inexhaustible yet exhausting,
Ruthlessly efficient yet demanding,
Hard working yet withholding,
Barbed
Yet deemed necessary.
Protecting that which
Long ago was made sacred;
The heart, the hearth, the home,
None may touch that hallowed ground.
Defence was needed
Safety paramount
And then...

The years passed...

This ninja warrior endured
Defended
Sliced, hacked, diverted, whirled in endless pirouettes
Of engaged battles
Of mesmerising movement
Of unrelenting actions
Of no consequence
For the mighty goal of protecting
That
Which
Was now all but forgotten.

So effective was his defence
Of the thing called 'home'
That it was hidden from all view
Forgotten
Beneath his whirling dexterity of projects and activities.

The years passed...

And there was no home.

Never did the warrior stop to question his task
That old old command.
He simply obeyed
As a warrior should
And continue
Until his death
To protect the property of his master

The result
a hollow, busy, lonely life,
Punctuated by exhaustion
And the question....
"What's missing? "

But so complete was his defense
So skillful his guard
That none saw what lay beneath.
Too mesmerised by his motions to see that
He was but a distraction
A diversion
From the question which would strike such fear into his masters heart
"What will happen if I stop?"

Time weathered it 
Worn by salt and wind 
A testament to man and sea
And the sheer determination to survive.
Boats come in and out with the tides
Waves unrelenting...
Remember your roots
As the sea ravishes over rock.
There are few who stop to care,
But there is stillness to be found here

There is a magic in these misty cliffs
As the water crashes onto rockface
Sending turrets of spray into the air
And spiney fingers cascading down.
A race to reunite.
The ocean  moves...
A lobster *** buoy bobs up and down
The cliff erodes, ever so slowly

Seagulls sit on a cliff edge
perhaps resting, i do not know
A wave passes by
Teetering on the edge of explosion
I do not see it break as it passes out of view.
The surging ocean delights me
Dancing over rock
Having no care for destruction
Safety or form
It moves as it must
As it sees fit
Taking the best and only path.
Accepting its new form
in each moment
Giving life, Taking life
It cares not.
It must only move and this it knows 
You are welcome, but beware

To you my love
Whose hand I have just let go
Who now walks in a direction
Unknown to me
And whose fair touch and soft voice
May take repose with
Another

Under the bridge it flowed
That thing called his life
His dreams
His goals
His precious time
Life force and joy.
He stood on that bridge and watched...
Life like a game of poo sticks
Wondering at what point the moment would arise when he would engage
Engage in a meaningful way
Make contact
Connect

But the bridge seemed so....
Well it seemed to be the most sensible place to be.
Dry
Safe
Warm enough...
And yet
All he did was watch
As other sailed by
He was not satisfied. He lacked...

Yet there seemed like no obvious remedy
No clear path
No solution
Like a man wishing to eat a mango without getting sticky
Or wishing for a fine garden without getting soil beneath his finger nails.

Feel the earth my friend
Let it paint a picture in your soul
Let something take root deep within
And give it time to grow...
Let the process take time
A tree does not grow in a day or a week or a month.
You must keep this space safe and moist
Cared for and nurtured
So that over time. A plant may grow.
This plant will be your joy
Your heart
Your elixir for life
It will make you whole.

I have a new idea,
It's called...
"D O  A N Y T H I N G"
The concept is simple.
Any task is worthy.
Just do it.
Then do something else.
I will start it now....

This happy land of Diemens, dogs and bush-walks,
Creative flurries, chats over beer, spag bol and chocolate.
Van trip, scoot down the coast,
Wander along the beach.

Talk of this and that, laugh
And put the world to rights.
Thrash out ideas, share some thoughts,
Wonder if living could be easier?

Two friends who shared a trip to the Beach twenty years back take stock;

And find that from start they had more in common than they knew.
Now seperated by ten thousand miles, A thousand quid and two days flying,
They're closer than they were
sat facing front in that old escort van.

Another chapter ends
Or begins
Or begins and ends.

I awake and think of boarding,
My plane.
I hadn't realised how simple it was
To just be,
To just exist side by side
With an old friend who you connect with.

No need for the usual preambles
Just straight to the core.
Don't waste time, because 20 years fit badly into five days.
And What happens if you click cancel....

before the download has finished?

I'm so reluctant to leave.
These days have been so easy and fun and blessed.
Brotherhood is hard to find
And when will I return?

A red light shines through my window
And appears on the wall across the room.
It blinks yellow and moves as the people opposite
Reverse from their drive
And head off to work.

The daylight outside is growing,
The rumble in the air is not traffic
But waves breaking on the shore
About fifty meters away.

Soon I'll get up, make tea
And we'll all go for a walk.
Me, my frind Toby, Pablo the happy staffie
And Ava the lucky foster dog,
Wandering care free along the beach
as the waves break around our feet.

A plane flies overhead. *******.
Okay I know!
All things come to an end.
And this too shall pass.
It's just I haven't often wanted to stay this much.
It's so fun here,
And life outside can be a bit full on.

Here the veins of the earth trickle  between moss and rock,
Their passage held by soil and stone.
Who sees it? who is there to witness?
Who even cares?
The earth knows and turns.

Listen... what will you hear but the birds,
The sounds of running water
And your breath?
What will you feel but the earth beneath your feet?
How dare you think
When nature takes you into her womb.

Why do you sit here friend
And worry about this and that?
Go to the forest and walk.
Watch the trees and the birds.
They will take your cares away
And ease your troubles.

tell me why
I am sat here again.
encased in glass
with my ear to the window
wondering what will happen next

tell me why I am here sat
unable to move
barely breathing
for fear of life
sat eternally emotionless
unable to face my fear

tell me why
i am still here
my tasks are not simple
but neither are they overtaxing
tell me why I  cannot engage

okay
listen my friend
this is why
you are not ready
you are not capable
you are not right

you are too small
for this world
it will swamp and envelop you
if you dare
to brush past it

so stay here with me
safe and sound
in this quiet solemn place
we call home
and be at peace

let me breathe, i will breathe
my breath takes me through the glass
breathing deeply into my belly
I will let my prana carry me beyond the limits
set by myself long ago.

The breath will engage me
enlighten me
nourish me
give me food
and safety

I will try to find a home there

Step into your warrior
Step into yourself
To face your mind you must be
Well positioned, adopting a stance worthy of battle
One may only fight from a place of presence
This place called "awareness"
It is the strongest, safest place available to you
Without it you are a naked person
Standing defenceless before a dragon
At its unlikely mercy.
If you embrace your being
Find presence within yourself
You will find and possess both strength and power (armour/resolve).
Possibility will be your friend.
You may find the footing you need
To survive and prevail.
If you do not possess your mind
If it possesses you, grips you with its icy claw of fear
Or consumes you in the red hot fire of rage
You will be immediately overwhelmed
Overtaken by this mighty force
So you must possess your mind
Embody it, own and inhabit it
Only then can you become its master
Wield your sword of mindful effort
And call yourself an Inner Warrior
"A Warrior of the Soul"

I dance with her,
She moves through me,
Merging in movement, in spirit,
A creative offering.
On this land sacred for the Native Americans,
I recollect old memories, nature secrets

The westerly gale blows
Deep into my soul.
Lifting the slates
And rubbing the trees
Against the walls of my mind.
A seagull flies by
Against the undulating horizon,
Indelicately buffeted by the wind.
Every thing is in balance

Last night for just a few moments
I could feel my heart.
It was a shock
To feel so
Whole

Like the monochrome
Became
Colour
And
Just for
Those few

Moments

I
Felt

Life

Let me say that things are strange,
I am a strange man in a strange world.
I am barely here,
A Wraith
Seen only in reflection
Moving in shadows
Seldom acknowledged
Yet sentient.
Are you there? Can you hear me?
My invisible form wishes to be seen.
My existence justified only by function.
"Love me...
Like me...
Hear me..."
I say without sound.
How can I manifest in this world?

Shout "Yes!" and reach for the sky my Brother,
Shout "Yes!" and call your name out in Joy!
You have triumphed!
You are here!
You are alive!
And  the world is here before you.

It will embrace you
For you only exist in thought,
It's arms open in eternal patience.
There is plenty of time
But every moment counts.

What will you do?
Like a canvas unpainted it waits...
Your palette; imagination, courage, unknowing .
You must go to it,
You must run to it!
You must leap!
Bury your head in it's chest and cry "embrace me!"

Do not stand and stare open mouthed
And let the white expanse defeat you.
Now is not the time for hesitation my Brother
You are more than this, you are better than this,
You are the king, the magician, the lover, the master of your world!

You must leap!

You must pick up a brush or knife or better still plunge you palm into colours and paint!
Smear your desire and passion onto the blank expanse.
Reduce the white to bold streaks of vermillion, cobalt and burnt sienna.
How long must we wait!
Seize your passion and make your mark.