i know i'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight
and that's not a fun feeling to have

i exorcized you from my thoughts
from my heart
you are no longer possessing me
i love him now
i let all the dead things go
turned some into newer and better things
deleted the words i wrote about you
rewrote some and dedicated them to him
i'm not sorry i replaced you
you've done it to me on many occasions
i hope you know you are now a ghost
lingering in my memory no more
all the words you said, forgotten
all those lies you told, learned from them
all those places you touched, i'm loving again
all the broken pieces of my heart, he healed them
forget you
you did nothing good for me
you made me afraid
and he taught me that no matter how ****** a person is
i am still worthy of love
he is the complete opposite of you
a man, not a boy like you
and i know you'll never find someone who will love you as i did
you broke me
my whole being
i love with all of me
and now i get to watch you drown beneath the waves
the end
you'll see what you lost
i can tell you miss me
why else would you ditch your girlfriend to walk with me?
i won't let you back in
i hope you realize you lost me for good this time
and i hope it hurts as much as it did for me
but it won't
because you're heartless
you won't feel a thing
and i really thought i could change you into something more
something better
a good person
but another thing i learned is people don't change
no matter how much you want them to
i don't care about you anymore
all i want now is for you to permanently leave my life
good riddance

the first time i held hands with a girl
my heart raced faster
she was my best friend
she came over to my house
we sat outside
under a blanket
and our fingers were intertwined together
back then, i didn't know what sexuality was

the first time i knew i liked a girl
was in 8th grade
she had dark brown hair
then cut it really short
she was so beautiful
it was hard to breathe
it was only a silly little crush

the first time i kissed a girl
was on a dare
we were talking about kissing
and i said
"i've always wanted to kiss a girl"
and so we did
and every time we saw each other
we kissed
it was a fun silly joke

the first girlfriend i ever had lasted only a week
but we held hands at school
and we really liked each other
but i was too afraid

the first time i knew i was really into girls too
was in a grocery store
and a good-looking guy walked past
but i didn't really feel anything
this girl was walking behind him
and she smiled at me
and my heart raced faster than it ever has

the first time i asked a girl out was this year
it didn't end well
but it's not really that hard
to ask a girl
if she likes girls too
and i knew i could do it again

the first time i knew i wanted a girlfriend
wasn't too long ago
i just wish i had the nerve
to ask more girls out
and just have fun
before i started the rest of my life

the first time i knew what sexuality was
i knew there was always something different about me
and i figured it out later on

i'm pansexual. deal with it.

I used to tear open my skin to release the pain inside
The addictive, luring touch of tools used to split open wrists
It was the only thing that felt right to do in times of despair
Loneliness and despondency clung to me like gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe
The only thing I could ever focus on was dragging a sharp object across my thin arms
That was me

Two years back on one April night I found a new shiny object
Tore it across my skin to numb a pain I can't quite remember now
Of course I did not realize that new objects have sharper touches
I went too deep...
I panicked like I was being pushed off a building, a fight to stay alive
Isn't it crazy how you think you want to die and the moment the possibility of death is in front of you, you battle to live?
I ran halfway up the stairs and stopped, too afraid to admit what I had done to myself to someone that would help
So I took matters into my own hands
Cleaned and treated the wound like I was a surgeon
Bandaged and kept that part of me free from any harm
The fact that it probably needed stitches scared me
I've never cried harder that memorable night
I will never forgive myself

Two years later down the road
I love myself and I feel like a ray of sunshine all the time
Light radiates from me whenever I can do it
I've never been so on the positive side of things
And I did, I did forgive myself
Two years later and the scar has still not faded to a white line
I hated it. I hated looking at it continuously day after day
I was ashamed
I tried to love that part of me but I couldn't
It was so hard

And in between getting better and holding on to the past
I experienced heartbreak for the first time
I swore he was the one
And he broke me into pieces like I was nothing
I hated everything
Why didn't anyone want me or love me?
No one showed up to save me
So I started to love myself instead

Today, September 20, 2018, I realized my worth
Today I looked down at the reminder of hard times
Today it has almost completely faded
Sometimes you don't even realize the moment you heal
But you do
I promise you that you will heal

i think of you every second, every day
i think of you whenever you're away
i think of you always
i think of you now and forever
please always stay

i'm considering actually jumping in front of a car
just so i don't have to go home today
i don't want to go
i'm going to be in so much trouble
i could run away
i could jump in front of a car
i could just sit here and not leave
but if i do not continue to exist after today
just know i was in a lot of pain
and that i'm sorry
i wish i could have stayed