my love for you will never fade away.

i woke up crying
i had a dream i lost you
my heart was racing

i thought it was real
woke up to my world ending
i thought i would die

reminding myself
we are okay; we are fine
you are here to stay

heaven is a place on earth with you.

if i lost you
i would hurt myself
and that's not just words coming out of my mouth
it's a fact
it's the truth
because there is no me without you
you without me
we are inseparable
soulmates
we are meant to be
and i know you'll never leave
and i'm content knowing that
but there's a lot of people who would try to separate us
and that's what i'm afraid of
of losing you because of them
because no one here wants to see me happy
their only intent is hurting me
no one cares about me here
that's a fact
it's the truth
if they did, why would they leave me so blue?
if they just knew how i felt about you
then maybe they would understand
but no one here wants to listen to my words
they just hear what they need to say instead
i would hurt myself
it's true
because i couldn't survive without you
i don't want to
i would try jumping off buildings
reminding myself of the feeling of falling
i would try splitting open my veins
to try to see that my blood's still running
circulating for you
i would try swallowing pills
to fill the hole inside me
to try to feel something else
than the agonizing pain of being without you
i would try holding handguns to my heart
wondering if i have that courage to keep waiting
wondering if i have the courage not to do something stupid
i would try drowning in water
to remind myself of the way my chest burst with love
i would try tying ropes around my neck
to remind myself of the way that we are tied together
i would hurt myself to remind me of you
i cannot survive without you
and we all know it's a well-known fact
that i destroy myself when i'm hurt
i don't eat
i don't sleep
i don't do anything that's good for me
because what's the point if i already can't breathe?

i'd break my heart into pieces if it meant you would stay whole.

~ july 15, 2018 ~
i want someone who will actually want me. someone who will actually and truly love me and care about me. someone to spend the rest of my life with. i want a husband and kids. i want a family. i'm a forever type of girl.

You told me today that I better not **** myself
Because you'd come to wherever I am and stop me
I don't want to die
I just don't want to be alive
That doesn't make sense
to no one who has ever felt this
I used to hurt myself
Millions of scars up and down my arms
I'm glad you never had to see that
That's all gone and in the past
So you don't have to worry about that
I don't want to do that to myself anymore
I won't hurt myself
I won't **** myself
Don't worry
I don't want to die
I just don't want to be alive
And what I mean by that is I don't want to be 6 feet under
I don't want to take my last breath
I don't want to give up any hope of a good future
I just don't want to be alive
I don't want to have to socialize
or pretend I'm alright
I'm in pain
And I don't want to hide
I don't want to be alive
Don't worry, this only happens sometimes
I'm fine

i sat in bed, smiling. smiling at the memories of those four lovely hours. and i wondered if it was right. right for us? of course. but the way other people see it? maybe not so much. but i smiled to myself because it didn't feel wrong. it felt so right. and i just thought, "**** it. if it wasn't meant to happen, it wouldn't have happened." i think we were meant to be. life is too short to not be happy.

i love you. that means i'm not just here for the pretty parts. i'm here no matter what.

"So it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but i want to do that because i want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday."

-The Notebook

i don't want to think
the sad things hurt me too much
this is a cruel world

for once in my life, i don’t have to try to be happy. when i am with you it just happens.

i thought about you today (when do i not think of you?) and all i wanted was to place a million kisses all over your existence.

i can be so completely myself with you and i love it

each day, i wake up and it's hard to breathe. but i just remind myself that it's one day closer to you.

"i am in love with you
and i know that love is just a shout into the void
and that oblivion is inevitable
and that we're all doomed
and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust
and i know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have
and i am in love with you."

waking up with bruises and wounds
from battling these sleepless nights

i realized that i don't call someone "my love" until i know for sure deep in my heart that i love them and will love them for the rest of my life. and you, my love, you i will love for the rest of my life, and even after. in all my lifetimes, i will find you and love you.

you are my heart, my life, my one and only thought.

even if everything goes to hell, at least it's with you.

I want to write a special poem just for you.
To tell you how you make me feel.
But I don't think I could find the right words to describe exactly what is going on in my heart.

I could say you make my heart skip a beat, but no, that's not the truth
You make my heart stop and you revive it over and over again
I could say I see stars when I look into your eyes, but no, that's not the truth
I see whole galaxies and I know there's so many worlds inside you wanting to break free
I could say that you give me butterflies, but no, that's not the truth
There's not just a few, there's a whole lepidopterarium full
I could say you're as beautiful as a rose, but no, that's not the truth
Your beauty is out-of-this-world, unfathomable, no words are good enough to describe it
I could tell you you're worth more than gold, but no, that's not the truth
Your worth surpasses all earthly things
I could go on and on telling you these things that make my heart stop and my stomach fill with butterflies
But even this poem isn't good enough to show you exactly how I feel

Darling, I've never seen someone as beautiful as you.

all that you are is all i'll ever need.

i can tell you anything at any time. i trust you with all of me.

my blue pen loves to write about you
it just can't get enough
it feels up pages in seconds
with love notes to you
and it keeps wishing
you'll find its creations
and love the things
it says about you

the good things in life are better with you.

there is not a single part of you i can live without now.

you are so beautiful, it's hard to breathe.

thank you for all the reasons i have to love you.

I'll dance for you
but you won't see my body moving
you'll just see my pain flowing

our hearts just keep reaching for each other.

how many times have
i said i'm alright but lied?
i'm really not fine.

i understand if you don't want me anymore

i could watch you for a single minute and find a thousand things that i love about you.

all my life, i have dreamed of someone like you.

you were my only reason for living
but then you left
so why am i still living?
why am i not dead?

you are the only one who can love me the way i need.

it's you. it's been you for the past few months, since the moment we first started to talk. its you all the time. you are everywhere and you are everything. it's you. it's always been you.

there’s nowhere else i’d rather be than with you.

if i kissed you, i don't think i'd be able to stop.

when i found you, i called you mine. now, you'll never be lost again. you are safe here.

be my knight in shining armor
and battle the demons in my head
show them who's in control
and don't let them win

hurting
hurting
crying
hurting
bleeding
screaming
shaking
hurting
crying
sobbing
shaking
bleeding
bleeding
bleeding
gone..­..

i do not want this
i just want to be happy
just let me be, please?

i know the distance ***** but just remember that we lay under the same stars. place your hand over your heart and remember i'm right there.