i want to see you. i want to kiss you. i want to hug you. i want to laugh with you. i just want to be with you.

I always steal your sweatshirt
Because it smells like you
And you are my favorite smell
I always look for you in the hallways and everywhere I go
Because when I see you, you make me feel better
And you are my favorite sight
I always dream of kissing you again
Because your lips were so soft and sweet
And you are my favorite taste
I always poke you and hug you and touch you any way I can
Because your touch makes me feel safe
And you are my favorite thing to touch
I can pick out your voice out of a whole crowd of people
Or with my eyes closed
Because your voice also makes me feel safe
And you are my favorite sound
You are my favorite person
You are my favorite everything
My best friend
I love you

i will always love the color yellow now. that is the color i was painting my bedroom wall when we started dreaming of being something more. it was when i first knew you wanted me. when i first knew you wanted some kind of future with me. the first time you made my heart race. the moment i knew i was going to fall in love with you and there was nothing i could do about it. the first time i felt a connection. the moment i knew we were going to be something more.

i imagined staring into each other's eyes and saying "i do" and i started crying from the happiness i know i'll feel.

when i first saw you, i saw forever in those eyes.

just marry me already, darling.

you're the most important thing in the world to me.

the light that radiates from you draws me in and i can't look away. you are way too beautiful.

thank you for loving my mess.

waking up with bruises and wounds
from battling these sleepless nights

you make me want to stay alive. you make everything alright. and i love you.

it means the world to me that a beautiful soul like yours loves a storm like me.

i will love you even in your darkest moments.

i don't want to think
the sad things hurt me too much
this is a cruel world

you wear your broken pieces so beautifully.

i'd break my heart into pieces if it meant you would stay whole.

i just want to sit at the bottom of that pool
the floor to ceiling windows letting in the sunlight
and i'll watch as the light shimmers on the tile
the waves a kaleidoscope of memories
and it projects in front of me
some are beautiful in a certain kind of way
i'll tell myself that i can breathe
that i'm where i belong
and i'll sit there
in a state of euphoria
in a state of delirium
and float like an astronaut in space
and before i realize it's too late
my lungs stop working
and i'm where i need to be

you are the most amazing thing i've ever experienced.

i understand if you don't want me anymore

if i lost you
i would hurt myself
and that's not just words coming out of my mouth
it's a fact
it's the truth
because there is no me without you
you without me
we are inseparable
soulmates
we are meant to be
and i know you'll never leave
and i'm content knowing that
but there's a lot of people who would try to separate us
and that's what i'm afraid of
of losing you because of them
because no one here wants to see me happy
their only intent is hurting me
no one cares about me here
that's a fact
it's the truth
if they did, why would they leave me so blue?
if they just knew how i felt about you
then maybe they would understand
but no one here wants to listen to my words
they just hear what they need to say instead
i would hurt myself
it's true
because i couldn't survive without you
i don't want to
i would try jumping off buildings
reminding myself of the feeling of falling
i would try splitting open my veins
to try to see that my blood's still running
circulating for you
i would try swallowing pills
to fill the hole inside me
to try to feel something else
than the agonizing pain of being without you
i would try holding handguns to my heart
wondering if i have that courage to keep waiting
wondering if i have the courage not to do something stupid
i would try drowning in water
to remind myself of the way my chest burst with love
i would try tying ropes around my neck
to remind myself of the way that we are tied together
i would hurt myself to remind me of you
i cannot survive without you
and we all know it's a well-known fact
that i destroy myself when i'm hurt
i don't eat
i don't sleep
i don't do anything that's good for me
because what's the point if i already can't breathe?

each day, i wake up and it's hard to breathe. but i just remind myself that it's one day closer to you.

my love for you will never fade away.

~ july 8, 2018 ~
i just need to focus on all the good things. not my past. that's a bad thing. too many bad things. no more bad things. only positive. i just hope the universe is finally on my side.

i look at you and i'm home

and when you look at me, i swear i can't breathe.

how many times have
i said i'm alright but lied?
i'm really not fine.

i do not want this
i just want to be happy
just let me be, please?

heaven is a place on earth with you.

all that you are is all i'll ever need.

when i found you, i called you mine. now, you'll never be lost again. you are safe here.

the good things in life are better with you.

making you smile is one of my favorites things to do these days and every time i make that happen, my heart smiles back at you

all i know is i'm in love. you feel more like home than any house i've been in ever has. every time i think of you, a safe feeling washes over me and i can imagine us being together for the rest of our lives.

You told me today that I better not **** myself
Because you'd come to wherever I am and stop me
I don't want to die
I just don't want to be alive
That doesn't make sense
to no one who has ever felt this
I used to hurt myself
Millions of scars up and down my arms
I'm glad you never had to see that
That's all gone and in the past
So you don't have to worry about that
I don't want to do that to myself anymore
I won't hurt myself
I won't **** myself
Don't worry
I don't want to die
I just don't want to be alive
And what I mean by that is I don't want to be 6 feet under
I don't want to take my last breath
I don't want to give up any hope of a good future
I just don't want to be alive
I don't want to have to socialize
or pretend I'm alright
I'm in pain
And I don't want to hide
I don't want to be alive
Don't worry, this only happens sometimes
I'm fine

it's you. it's been you for the past few months, since the moment we first started to talk. its you all the time. you are everywhere and you are everything. it's you. it's always been you.

you make me feel seen.

our hearts just keep reaching for each other.

when we met, i was nothing. but your love made me into something.

i thought about you today (when do i not think of you?) and all i wanted was to place a million kisses all over your existence.

be my knight in shining armor
and battle the demons in my head
show them who's in control
and don't let them win

you are my heart, my life, my one and only thought.

even if everything goes to hell, at least it's with you.

thank you for all the reasons i have to love you.