you'll eventually find someone better than me
and then you will move on
and slowly stop talking
and you'll drift away
and i'll never see you again
it's just the way it goes
everyone always finds a reason to leave
always

i think i've found my friends
except i have flesh and blood
but they're spirits
but we're all just ghosts

i don't know how to tell you how much i'm afraid
there are so many things that i cannot explain
and i'm not in the business of putting my past on display
just know that i've never loved anyone this way
and the fear takes over and it holds me down
i can't seem to get away, i always drown
i'm so glad i'm the one that you found
but the fear is just always in the background
i'm scared, darling. you already know this
i've been through so many things that are the opposite of bliss
it's like i'm just waiting for the storm that always hits
honey, i don't want you to be another person i have to miss
i'm scared, god help me
i hope we're meant to be
i don't think anything is ever guaranteed
what if i'm not careful enough? what if i cause this wound to bleed?

before i told you goodbye earlier,
i almost added "love you"
like we have been together for awhile
and i don't know what has gotten into me
but it's confusing
i almost typed those words
like it was just a natural thing to do
and i'm sorry, honey,
but i shouldn't let myself fall for you

the pain has grown
and i can't feel nothing
my body's aching
i'm tired of being so exhausted
my eyes are closing
and my heart is broken
i'll keep on breathing
i know that i am nothing to you now
i'm scared i might just give up on myself
there must be something wrong with me
because everyone decides to leave
and if someone could just hold me
i wouldn't be here suffocating

i wished for you
i hope you don't mind

i'm sorry but i'm empty
please do not touch me
i swear i was doing fine, honestly
but now my hands keep shaking
my lungs keep aching
my bones keep breaking
my wrists are bleeding
and i can't control my breathing

i'm tired of waiting by the clock
staring at its hands
watching minutes go by
spinning 'round and 'round again
wondering how long it will be before we're together
honey, i wish i could have magical powers
because i would turn this clock into you
your hands on my body
the minutes passing by
you spinning me around
as we slow dance together
but right now
i'm just watching time move slowly by

i could be myself in front of you
and do you know how amazing that feels?
i'm usually so scared
so afraid of the outcome
but you always just love me anyway
that makes me feel so loved and free
i love you
i love that it's easy
like i don't have to try so hard for your love
not like past relationships
i don't have to beg you to stay
or cry myself to sleep
because i'm afraid you don't love me
i'm usually not one to believe what people say
but i believe you like i believe that i love you so ******* much
and today made me love you more
to be able to talk for hours
and hear your voice
it's like you were here
and every day gets better
and everyday i love you more
and everyday i miss you a little more
but that's okay
because you're worth it

maybe i'm not enough
maybe i'm worthless
maybe no one wants me
maybe i'm not pretty
maybe i'm not interesting
maybe i'll be sad forever
maybe i shouldn't be dreaming

and i wish i could be special enough for you

i haven't been answering to your messages
or anyone's for that matter
i don't feel like talking
reminiscing of a time that used to be
i'm lonely
no more best friends
no more real laughter
no more being a kid
you're older now
grow up
i'm sorry i haven't responded
but i was having tea with myself in the shower
step into my life
drink up the loneliness
see the sadness crawling in my heart
feel the cold water envelope my body
focusing on the lines on my skin
i haven't been me lately
i've done things that i would never do
like drinking alcohol in the middle of school
feel it dripping off my lips
dancing around
it tasted like cough medicine
healing the sickness inside my bones
my mind screaming
is it really wrong if it feels good?
i see the world differently
i've been wanting to hurt everyone i see
it's not them as people
but just me being jealous that they can be so happy
while i'm sitting in the corner
making friends with the shadows
fingers dancing on the walls
eyes closing with the idea
that i could ever be loved
i'm broken
can't you see the shattered glass in me?
feel it against my skin
feel it in my throat
feel it in my heart
and in my lungs
i haven't felt the pleasure of breathing in so long
it makes me wonder if i'm even alive?
am i?

i really like the cold
it makes me feel really alive

tell me
would you love the scars on my arms and thighs?
or would you just run and hide?