this is one of those moments
where i want to drink until i pass out
but before i do
i throw the bottles against the wall
and slit my wrists with the shards left behind

this is just how i am
when there's sadness mixed with anger
lingering inside of me
wanting to get the **** out

one time i wanted to run away
all the way to Vermont
that's where i was gonna go
i knew someone there
and i was gonna run to them
i looked up a map
even packed a bag
but then my parents found out
that i was talking to this guy
i couldn't sleep in my room for a while
they watched me
to make sure i wouldn't leave
in the middle of the night while they were asleep
i want to run again
run as far as i can
i'm always running anyway
always running
when am i going to stop?

tired, heavy eyes
slow, drifting mind
just let me keep my head down
let me fall asleep
please let me be

i know one day when we're together
you will start to put all my pieces back together one by one
gluing each piece back together with love
traumas and heartbreak and all kinds of pain
turned into something greater
and mended with your love
you'll pull all those doubts and insecurities
right out of me a little at a time
you'll put all my puzzle pieces back
where they belong
i lost them a long time ago
but you'll find them
and i will finally be complete

pick me up off the tear-stained floor
and carry me to bed
hold me tight
and never let go
promise me you'll always love me
promise me you'll stay
and tell me everything will be okay
let me fall asleep in your safe arms
and keep me there forever
you are my home

sometimes i feel like i'm drowning
and i can't stay above the water
i'm losing my breath
and gasping for air
choking on the water
that finds its way into my lungs
i feel this way
when i think of losing you
and oh god i hope i don't drown

i had a dream that someone found out about us
but i put myself in a worse situation to protect this
i put myself in more trouble
i put myself through more hurt
to protect what we have
and that's something i would honestly do for you

i see couples in the hallway at school
kissing and holding hands and hugging
i used to be jealous of them
how come they get to be happy and i don't?
how come they have someone to love and be loved in return and i don't?
but now that i'm with you
i'm not jealous
even though we're far apart
because i know they won't last
they don't have the kind of love that we have
so would i rather have that kind of love?
no
never
i would rather love you from a distance
than ever love someone here in person

That's all I wanted to say

i know i don't know a thing about you
but i have fallen for your words
i'm probably getting annoying by now
but i don't want to be unheard

i can't seem to stop writing about you now
you made my heart smile
i'm just a loser you would probably never like
but for someone like you, i could wait for awhile

your existence on this earth has made my days better
i suddenly feel connected to you somehow
and although i'm so very sad
you make me want to be alive now

i'm even annoying myself now
so i guess i'll just be quiet
i'll sit here waiting for you to find me
and hopefully my demons will be silent

staring straight into the alternating neon lights
yellow
red
green
for some, staring at fast moving lights cause headaches
but it kind of just keeps some of the pain at bay for me

i heard you talking about me
talking bad about me
you've always done that as long as i can remember
and they just agree right along with you
apparently, i isolate myself too much
i'm always in my room
never leaving to spend time with family
but maybe the reason i isolate myself
is so i don't have to spend time with people who hurt me
then pretend they did no such thing
i'm not stupid
i'm not deaf
i hear what you say
and i've never felt so disconnected
i don't want to be part of this family
and i get it
some people don't even have a family
some people never had that
i get it so don't come over here and argue with me
but this is my life
my pain is real and you have always made fun of it
making a joke out my self-harm scars
pretending i was never in pain
you really think that will make me stop?
it only makes me want to do it more
isn't it a shame that i have to quickly dry my tears when i hear you coming
so you don't yell at me for having an emotion every human has?
isn't it a shame that i have to fall to the floor in pain
wanting to hurt myself so bad because of the words you say?
isn't it a shame that for the past 4 years of my life
i've wanted to die or run away because of you?
isn't it a shame that i feel no love for you anymore?

i remember once i asked a friend
if they knew anybody that would punch someone
if they were asked to
i wanted someone to punch me
i still do
as hard as they possibly can
make me bleed
make me hurt
make me bruise
break my bones if you have to
i never knew why
until now
i need to feel something
i  need to feel alive

i stopped praying to any kind of god awhile ago
i don't pray anymore for anyone or anything
maybe because i've been ****** over so many times
and i know god has his own plans for everyone
and he's trying to lead them on the right path
so it seems like he's against you when he's really not
but i've prayed to be with some people forever
i've prayed to be loved by someone forever
i've prayed to be in love with someone forever
i've been praying for forevers
and it never happened
because it was never meant to be
i think we're meant to be
but i won't pray to be with you forever
because i'm scared god will hear my words
and do the complete opposite for me
like all the other times
and i'm not proud of this
but i stopped praying to any kind of god awhile ago

i keep having dreams of you
when we were kids, you were my knight in shining armor
my safe place i ran to
i don't even think you knew
in my dreams, you come back
and i tell you how much i missed you
and i free the words i've been wanting to tell you since the day you left
but you never come back
you never hear those words
you never see me in your dreams
or do you?

beads of sadness drip down the side of my face
my lungs are drowning in that blue smoke
my body slows to match my heartbeat
i'm sorry my superpowers are back
if you don't know, i can control the weather
everything i feel matches the outside
and i'm sorry it's pouring down rain
raindrops like little wrecking *****
when they hit the ground with force
a wall of rain so dense
you can't see
and if you couldn't tell
that's the way i feel inside constantly
i'm sorry if it starts flooding
i'm sorry if the wind picks up
i'm sorry if a tornado destroys everything around me
i'm sorry.
i can't control the storm that's already inside of me
i may not be able to control this hurricane outside
so please take shelter
please don't let me hurt you
there is too much sadness inside of me to handle at one time