I ask myself why I'm talking like this,
But it's amazing I'm even
Walking like this.
I just feel so hollow.
Slurring when things get blurry;
I took a xan to help me withstand
The task at hand,
And now I can barely stand,
But here I am,
Looking at these old pictures of us
As I reminisce.
I wonder if I'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't have a hand to help me up
And cope with all my sorrow,
So forgive me for the times
When I be slumped
Because of this prescription bottle.
I promise I'll do better tomorrow.
I just long to see your face
Again.
I don't sleep.
I only dream of a time when
This emptiness
Will end.
I miss my friend.
All I got is a few old strings 
On my guitar to try
And mend my heart,
But right now
It's locked up in the dark,
And I'm a ghost so I can't
Feel these strings bend.
Still I try to piece it
Back together again
With these words
I'm trying to send
Out to your golden soul
And anyone else
Who's listening in.
Sometimes I think about
Taking my life
Just to see what it's like
On the other side,
But I know
That ain't right.
I just long to be
By your side,
The place where I called home.
In a crowded room,
I still feel alone,
And I still hope
That it's you
Every time I hear the phone
Ring.
I wonder
Will my carol of groans
Ever reach your resting bones
When I sing?
Well I tell you I believe,
But I don't know how.
Yeah, the caged bird sings,
But he don't make a sound
Because their ain't anybody
Around to hear him now.
All the clouds look down
On me with a frown
Because they hear my voice
Carrying its sorrow abound.
Even the wolf and the hound
Have their heads tucked down
At the sight of these shoulders
Walking with this weight around.
I just wish you were still around.
No, the drugs don't work.
I know... They just make me worse,
But I need a spark for this heart
That left along with you
In your hearse.
No, the drugs don't hurt.
In fact, I'm pretty numb now.
Your memories paint the town
So I won't be coming down soon.
Night sky sanguine,
Ain't no one as faded as me.
I'm the highest in the room.
Roll another blunt
As I hit another bump,
Then I blow a cloud
As the line drains down;
Let the pain escape to the moon.
And I hate it, but I won't cry
Cause if I did,
It would be a monsoon.
Dearly departed friend,
I love you.
Please don't be saddened
By my bluesy tune.
It's just what I had to do,
To take the pain of losing you.
I know you're always with me
In my heart,
So I know we'll never truly part.
That's why I wrote a note
To help me cope
And keep some hope.
I know it's sad, but
It took everything I had
To refrain;
Not to hang or go insane
From all this pain.
I barely have any breath left,
But I don't want to drown.
Even though I know
This soul sits heavy like lead.
That's why my eyes stay red.
Only the memories in my head
Still play their **** instruments on time.
Pictures in my mind of you
Combine until I'm lost
In the last trace
Of the lines on your face,
And I forget that
I'm supposed to rhyme.
It hurt to write this verse
But I prayed for you first,
For whatever it's worth.
Yeah, I hit another line
As I wrote another line,
And I know...
The drugs won't ever work.
But at least when I'm high,
I can still feel your arms around me
Just one more time.

The tears flow and I need hope.
The trees grow and the bees know
There's a buzzing in my head
That just don't leave me alone.
I have Belief; still I feel Grief.
And I just can't seem
To write anything
That isn't about
Me.

Then again,
There is no me;
So, I know
Everything I dream
And create
Speaks of Faith
As I speak to Fate.

And I say,
What is my purpose?
Why do You tell me I'm worth it
When all I can do
Is to feel worthless?

Your Love;
I don't deserve it.
My Love;
I'll choose to serve it
On a plate made of cake,
So that you can eat it too.

All I do
Is pray to the Sky;
I, know there is no me;
Only You-
Together, we
Become

I and I.

I just hope to find
Peace of mind
Within your Ten Thousand Eyes
As I look to the Sky
And I pray that I
Can stop talking about me
And speak of You.

Together, we
Become

I and I.

I found Hope in my devotion
As I go through the motions
Of this constant river
Of emotions.

I don't want to be me;
Together, can we
Become

I and I?

May these words find
Your Ten Thousand Eyes,
All the Stars in the Skies
Oh, Lord Divine.
My Dear Lord Shiva;

There is no me;
Only

I and I.

I had writer's block
Today.
Still, I wrote this anyway
As I heard Adele sing
Rolling in the Deep.
Old as the song may seem,
It spoke to me.
My hopes and dreams,
They become
Meaningless to me,
As I choose to sing
Songs to Shiva-
In which I dearly believe-
Instead of the crowd
Of voices in my head.
Schizophrenic;
I can't tell
If they're my friends
Or my enemies.
I don't really know
What I'm trying to get at.
I just felt something
Telling me to bring
Faith to those
In need.

You're not alone.
You will find Love.
And it will come
To you, oh beautiful one
In your time of grief.
This, I truly do
Believe.

One day,
I earned the courage to pray
Without the urge
To feel ashamed
For the person I became
After my friend,
He chose to hang himself.
God knows I wish
He could have stayed,
But I could never
Judge him.
Lord knows sometime's
I feel the same.
Since then,
Nothing's been the same.
I've learned to love myself.
I can say I changed
For the better.
The road gets cold,
I know.
So, I wove a sweater
With this letter
For anyone just
Tryna get their life
Together.
For better or worse weather,
I'll keep my faith forever;
He showed me that
One day,
It really all does
Get better.
I remember
When I never thought
I would believe that.
And I mean
Never.
Even though I know
I got a lot of sins,
(I still love Xanax
And Klonopins)
I'm still tryna learn
To forgive myself.
I used to have a lot
Of self hatred,
But then I replaced it.
Still, I feel like a
Disgrace sometimes.
Still, I feel inside
That I'm a be fine.
I know God will
Heal me in time.
I just have to want
To try.
I used to get nervous
When I tried to
Share my pain.
I was afraid they'd
All just think
I was insane.
So, I refrained.
Then one day,
I realized
That I'm not the only one
Who feels this way.
I think I found a way
Out of the Darkness.
No, I don't believe in fate.
I think we create
Our own destiny.
Yeah, my empathy,
It gets the best of me.
I can feel her pain
Whenever she's sitting
Next to me.
You ain't gotta speak
A breath to me.
What's understood
Don't have to be
Explained.
Yeah, my empathy,
It gets the best of me.
It's the only thing
That keeps me from
Feeling empty, see.
I love my wife and
My brothers endlessly,
But that's about the
Only thing that's left of me.
And I'm just speaking honestly.
I don't feel no need
For apologies.
Just know that
Y'all give me the strength
I need to see another day.
Because of you,
Yeah, I can say I can
Make it through
Today.
Truly, I could
Never thank you
Enough.

Every time I drink,
I pour a little out for Lil Peep.
I cruise through the streets,
Skateboard underneath my feet
And I wonder what my life
Would be like
If I had never decided to get high.
(It's not the first time this week)
And then I wonder why
Do I even wonder why?
It's not like I could have
Resisted if I tried.
My mind just insists
To get high.
These lines
Look so tempting
In the light of the night,
Fishscales reflecting
Underneath
The pale moonlight.
Every time I drink,
I pour a little more out for Lil Peep.
RIP to a G.
Sometimes I just sit and listen
To his beats.
I guess instrumentals were just
Medical to my mental mind.
I miss the more simple times.
Writing lyrics in triplet rhymes,
Getting high back when
"Getting high" only meant
Lighting up another blunt.
Won't try to front;
Too many bumps,
And now I'm slumped.
Every time I drink,
I pour some more out for Lil Peep.
And sometimes,
I swear I can see
A slight silhouette
Of my dead homies
Still skating with me
As I roll through the streets.
God only knows how much
I wish they were still
Here.
Drifting into bliss
As I can somewhat hear
The passing winds
Whisper into my ears,
That all things
Must someday come to pass.
I guess that's why
I pass the blunt
That I just laced with wax
So I can cherish these times
Filled with laughs,
In hopes they will last
As I try my best not to
Let life pass me by
Too fast.

Too high to sleep
Too throwed to eat
Swisher Sweet rolled up sumo
Who knows if I'll make it
To see past 27
Let alone this week
Couldn't leave that white girl
Alone this week
So I'm too high to sleep
Too throwed to eat
Still bumpin Lil Peep
Like it's the beginning of 2017
And I'm on Troy Ave
Ya boy has too much acid in him
Pass the blunt then pass the poison
Pass the venom
Let me drown out my thoughts
Give me vices over advice, it's
That lilheathen fiend
Cup full of Sprite spiked with codeine
It takes the edge off the trip
Jump off the ledge, then I'll drift
Into an ocean of that purple potion
A notion to kick the habit
Before I kick the bucket
**** it, sip more lean
Pop more beans
Til I"m gone off them jiggas
Go figure
This sinister literature
Dispensed by yours truly
Always came from the truth, see
Doobies rolled up and they're laced
With that wax
Now it's gon' smoke for some hours
That's facts
Load up the dab rig as I
Pop another hit of that cid
Which makes three today
So I couldn't smoke enough **** today
But he's to stay
That lilheathen minion givin Hell
To these so-called prophets
They just want to profit
Off our conscience
And I ain't got one
I been ****** since they been thrown
Fire and brimstone
Coughing off it often
Til' they lay me in that coffin
I've been here for too long
Not long enough
Nirvana isn't too far
It's far enough
I see it coming round the corner
Either that
Or it's just the coroner
I couldn't really tell
Within this distorted corridor

I speak hood art
That street poetry
When you hear that bass
Knocking down your street
You know it’s me
That lilheathen
Creeping straight outta Hell
Just to bask up in the smell
Of the ****
Need that Acapulco Gold
Fruit for the soul
Blue dream got me froze
Stuck in a maze through my mind
Stuck in a place I can’t find
Lighters in the skies
Look like
Fire flies in the night
Higher I climb
To the Light
Smoked a bowl full of Dimitri
Just to enlighten my eye

Acid got the sky painted tie dye
I’m that Heathen
Pass the blunt, why lie?
I been chiefing
Bumpin $uicideboy$
Got me feelin like it’s
Do or die, boy
I’m leaving these verses
All in hearses
Ridin spinners on the hearse
It’s that psychedelic fiend
Sentenced to Hell for a dream
****** if I do, ******
If this life just ain’t what it seems
Is this DMT or just a dream?
And why is it more real
When I sleep?
Merrily creep through the streets
I seep through the cracks
Smoking **** in the back
Of the black Cadillac
With a new beat bumpin
I just made on the MacBook
I’m a diamond in the dirt
And they all just some weeds
Shook off the cops
Now I’m lighting the trees
Got a lot, so
The clouds will thicken the plot
Yes, indeed
As I roll through an
Old part of town
Of the Southeast
In an old school drop
With new sounds
And a whole car full of pounds
Of that stink
Pound back another beer
Til I can’t think
Then tell all them cowards come
Near so they can hear the rifle
Blast back, too
Hatchback coupe
Full of Afghan Gu
That Hindu Kush
Be the greenest of bushes
It’s on fire with the acid
I’m pushing
That gas on a couple of tabs
I think I’m pushing it

Don't do drugs, please
Just give them to me
I promise that
I'm right here

And if in someone's
Strength
You need to plead
I promise that
I'm right here

I don't wish for the end
Truly I am content
I look in the mirror
And I'm right here

No matter how it ends
I don't think it's up to me
You still have a friend
I promise that
I'm right here

I took two pills
And I just hope that
They don't make me
Feel

The last thing I want
Is to tell the difference
Between my dreams
And what's
Real

In my dreams
All my dead friends
Are here
A simple hello
From your lost voices
Is all I wish to
Hear

Truly
I know
I had a
Friend

You're all right here

Who am I
Who am I
I can’t find
I can’t find
Peace of mind
Peace of mind
Suicide
Suicide
Do or die
Do or die
You decide
You decide
Tell me are you
Down to ride
Down to ride
Tell me are you
Down for life
Down for life
I swear that I
Need you by
My side
I swear that I
Don’t think
I can hide
From all of these
Demons inside
Won’t somebody
Show me
Where to find
The Light

I believe in the Sun even when it isn’t shining
I believe in Love even when I am alone
I believe in Happiness even when the world is crying
I believe in the Lord even when it seems I’m on my own
I believe in tomorrow even when I feel like tonight will never end
I believe in all these things because they always come back again
For every dark night, there’s an even brighter day
For every hollow path is a more fulfilling way
In every dark cloud, you can find a silver lining
So I keep my faith, and my faith keeps me grinding
Against the icy metal, like the rose that grew
From concrete, with its scratched and hardened petals
When no one in the world was here to love me
I held my head to the sky above me
And I was happy because I kept my faith

I've got
The weight of the world
On my shoulders
I carry the Earth on my back
They throw stones at me
But I throw boulders right back
Cold shoulders
Disregard to your hand on your strap
I try to share warmth with this world
But it just makes me colder
I try to show my brothers Love
But I have less and less
As I get older
And they can't come back
I've learned to forgive
And I have no regrets
But I never forget
Nah
Not when it comes to this
You can miss me with that
Consistence
Stay persistent
God, I miss them
Still I stay laid back
Just like the way
The piece always pops
The red sight always dots
And the steady aim always protects
Lessons learned
When you earned your stripes
In the 'jects
I’ve watched so many
Loved ones leave
Like the changing of the colors
In the leaves
That my heart
Has begun to bleed
It feeds the fire in my veins
And the bullets in my teeth
Of which I load into this magazine
That hides the pain
Buried deep beneath
For all the brothers
That I've lost to the streets
Just like Pac
I shed tattooed tears
For multiple peers
And failed to sleep well
For multiple years
So I drank multiple beers
On the night that
I lost all fear
That was the night
I told those cowards
All come near
So they can all come hear
My rifle rear back
As I blast back
And I take the knife
Out of my back
And I stab back
With a pen in my hand
My pen is a bullet
And only the one's
Who didn't have time to think
Before they pulled it
Will ever understand

West Side till I die
I’m down to ride
So call me
When you need
A brother by your side
Where I’m from
We’re not promised twenty one
There are people dying
Because the Devil shoots for fun
If he points his gun to my face
I won’t be the one to run
He’ll have to look me in my eyes
I don’t expect him to shy
We all know the Devil doesn’t cry
Though one day he may
I'm not the one to say
I just see the pain
Inside the soulless
Inside the broken
Hollow vessel
That erupts
From hollow metal
He has no emotions
So he shows no love
He came from a broken home
Where he never received a hug
The only security he ever found
Was beneath the blanket of a drug
Behind the power within a 12 gauge slug
If you don’t know how it feels
When a person murders someone you love
Then you probably don’t know
What it’s truly like to not give a ****
Whosoever glorifies Death
Does not know the game
Burying a brother brings only pain
At the same time
Who am I to lie
When I first came to those
Old crossroads
And found myself
Fashioning a makeshift
Cross made of bones
I didn’t beg
I didn’t cry
Truly, I
Shed the last of my tears
For those who are already free to fly
He can take my life
But he could never take
What’s inside
That was the day
I asked myself
Am I
Prepared
To die
Since then
I've learned
To face my demons
That rage within
Deep inside

"Officer, why didn't you tase me?"

Cries for help
Are not cries for attention
I mean
Sometimes
A little attention
Is all that person
Ever really needed
Just to know
You're not alone
You're not the only one
Who lies awake at night
And waits to die
I'd be a lie
If I said
I haven't tried
And these people
With their masks on
They tell me
All you ever write about
Is suicide
But they're wrong
I write
For hope
I write
To cope
I write
To let you know
You're not alone

It's ok not to be ok

I look at this blank page
And I just write
I don't think about
What comes to mind
Sometimes
I'm able to find
A silver line
Among the black clouds
That try their best
To block out
The Light
Hope
It gets you through
The night

I look at my brother
I look at my sister
She looks so much like you
And he looks like her
I wonder what you see in me
Do I have her nose
She says I have your hands

I’m sorry it’s been ten years
And I still ***** dance
With this ***** sprite
When I take these xans

Some times I think you ran
Because you looked at the
Drugs in my hands
That she says look just like yours
And couldn’t face the pain

Knowing we share the same veins
I just hope you don’t think you
Failed
And I hope to God
That you don’t look at me
And feel
That all your efforts
Were to no avail

Yeah, as you can tell
I still blame myself

But
I look at my brother
I look at my sister
And I couldn’t picture
Leaving their mother’s side
Then still trying to attempt
To call them mine

I know I sound selfish
But you married another
And called her child your son
All the while

I wonder what it was I did
Or didn’t do enough
To no longer remain the glue
That kept you at her side
After all this time

What hurts the most
Is you were able
To call my mom your wife
For twenty years of my life
Yet only nine for my brother

He didn’t deserve to feel alone
**** what I feel
You left my little brother alone

I remember the nights
You never came home
And found a reason
To tell yourself
You couldn’t answer the phone

Those were the mornings
I watched Adventure Time
With my brother
In our living room
When it should have been you

Those were the days
I prayed
He would never have to grow up
Without his father at his side
Even though you tell yourself
It’s enough that
You’re “only one hour away”

I know
You both were young
And I don’t believe
That either of you
Every truly found love
Within the arms
Of each other

I know
You only stayed together
So long
Because I was the first
Child you had
And so for her

You wanted me to be happy
And I still hope one day
You discover what that word means

I remember it
I still see it in my dreams
I think I saw it on your face
That day you tried to teach me
How to throw a baseball
Back when we both were young

I never could quite catch
Time and make it last
Like a butterfly
The effect caused me to crash

But I know
You tried your best
To be happy
To smile when you didn’t want to
And I thank you
Dad

But I look at my mother
And my eyes swell up with hate
Only because you couldn’t see
What I do in her
Any longer

I know
I was your first born child
And my first smile
Was the first time
You saw hers in a while
In something other than
Your memories

I hope you never forget that moment
But you broke
My family into two

Two Thanksgivings
Two Christmas’s
Two birthday gifts at a time
When we only ever needed one

There’s a face in the shadow
Unlike the reflection in my mirror
There’s a face in the shadow
Unlike the reflection in my mirror
There’s a face in the shadow
Unlike the reflection in my mirror

I couldn’t tell if it was beautiful
Or terrifying

I touched her thigh
And I knew then
It wasn’t that
I wanted to die
I only desperately wanted
To feel alive

Funny how alike
Those feelings
Seemed to me
At the time

It ripped me to the seams
Every time
The riffs of her ripped jeans
Met mine
Like the way we shared
Our favorite song
And our favorite line

I always was
Too lucky to deserve this
But here I am

Some men may have
Unearthed this precious gem
Before my time
But all of them
Were just to blind
To see the way
That she could shine

God, you should have
Seen her shine

I’ve lost friends to suicide
And I wish I knew the reason
But who am I to judge you
You’re not alone

You were my brother
So to me that’s treason
I only wish that
I could have been there
To have your back
And ease the slack
You’re not alone

I know you had the weight
Of the world
On your shoulders
They threw stones at you
But you threw boulders
You’re not alone

Growing colder than last season
I’m haunted by visions
Of you leaving
Eating at me
Being happy
Is a choice I force
Myself to make

Meanwhile with eyes closed
In the depths of the night
I lie awake
And picture myself
At the bottom of the lake
You’re not alone

I don’t mean to make them sad
I just had to mention that
No cry for attention
Was ever heard
Just a whispered lesson
Learned

The one I always keep
Repeating
For the quiet one
Who’s reading
You’re not alone

I remember when she wrote
LOVE
On her arms
Hoping that someone
Anyone
Would notice it
Reason why I wrote this ****
You’re not alone

In the darkest parts of the night
I hope you can find some light
To cope with it
You’re not alone

You’re not alone
You’re not alone
You’re not alone

You’re not alone

Pictures in my mind of you combine
Until I’m lost in the last trace
Of the lines on your face
And I forgot that I’m
Supposed to rhyme

The greatest moments are
When you somehow find
A way to stop time

When your lips meet mine
And I remember the taste
Of the very first time
We shared white wine

That was the day
We swore that
As long as were together
Everything
Would be fine

I see better through the clouds
And I can see now
That you always were
My silver line

I held onto you
for as long as I could
It doesn’t last long
When you live in the hood

Came from the sticks
I came from the woods
Rolling ******
Down the backroads
Of these backwoods
Rolling up backwoods
Bumping Rolling Stones
I never was that good

Of keeping within reach
Of the ones closest to me
Sometimes feel
Like I wish I didn’t have to
Feel at all

Had a ball
It didn’t last too long
Xanax and Adderall
Falling down the hall

But you were always there
To pick me up

I’ve been a ghost
For some time now
I didn’t realize it
With the lights out

It was less dangerous
Like he said it would be
It wasn’t painless
The way they said it would be
Falling free

I can’t hear my cell phone ring
Whenever they’re calling me
So more transparent than pale
Just like the ale
That always reminds you of me
Falling free

I fall in deep
No one can see me but you
And you’re all I see