Distance will ****,
My heart and my soul.
3,396 miles.
114 miles.
Too many distances,
Too many miles.
I need to be close
To the people I love.

The heart knows, what the heart wants.
Well what if we don't communicate?
I cannot understand my heart;
It growls like an animal,
Locked in a cage of ribs.

It was like you did it on purpose
You melted my frozen heart
So that it was soft enough to crush
Well now that I see the threat you pose
I've stepped back into the freezer
To still my beating heart.

Forgotten.
"I didn't realise you weren't there"
"I actually forgot all about you"
"I'm so sorry I forgot our appointment"
How many times
Can one be forgotten?
Oblivion is the state of being completely forgotten,
They say it comes with death
Yet I have achieved it in life.

Is it YOUR hand that feels right in mine,
Or is it just A hand?
Is it YOUR arm that feels right holding me,
Or is it just A arm.
Do I like YOU,
Or do I like the way you HOLD ME?
Do I like talking TO YOU,
Or do I just like talking?

F
   A
       L
           L
               I
                  N
                      G
                           For you,
                           Like little Alice fell
              D
                 O
                    W
                        N        
                D
                    O
                       W
                           N
                   D
                       O
                          W
                              N
   ­                                  The rabbit hole.

Oh friend
Don't you realise?
Perfection is a haze.
A lie. A blur. A coverup.
For an imperfect world.
It's all a trick of the mind
Or something of that kind.

7 months, 21 days, 4hours, 30 minutes.
That's how long it's been
Since I last talked to you
Or even heard your voice.
It pains me now to think about it.
But it pains me more to read your words.

There's a box beside my bed
And in it I keep the memories
That I can't bare to have in my head.
Your letters
And songs
Lie among the numerous other silly pages.

Sometimes I think about sending it all back.
Every little word you ever wrote.
Just to be done with you,
But I can't bring myself to do it.
I don't want to admit I lost you.
But I know it's true.

Nothing to say? Nothing to say?
Oh catch yourself on.
Since when have you
Ever had nothing to say?

Liar liar
Or so they say.
But if your words be lies
Then why do you hide it?

Loner loner
That's what I am.
You say it's untrue
Well then why didn't you notice me gone?

Most find the crash to be a nuisance
Not me.
I find an unusual serenity in the calamity.
An undeniable calm in the chaos.

As for the flash
Well it adds a little mystery
To the life I live full of misery.

Rain runs down windows
Replicating the tears down my face.
Reminding me I'm not alone
In this desolate place.

Thunderstorms are therapy
Designed to drown out our thoughts
And provide inspiration
For artistic creations

Think about who you are.
Think about what you are.
Think about what defines you.
Think about how you think.
Think about who you love.
Think about what you love.
Think about why you love it.
Think about who you hate.
Think about what you hate.
Think about why you hate it.
Think about what you do.
Think about how you do it.
Think about why you do it.

But do less in depth thinking.

When I write
I write in questions
Well now I ask myself; why?
Why do I have so many unanswered questions?
And the only answer
That I could muster
Was this;

I don't know.
I don't know why you left me.
I don't know what it is that's preventing my recovery.
I don't know what I'm so afraid of.
Or why I'm afraid of it.
I don't even know why I write.
And I sure as hell don't know what I'm gonna do.

You know,
I once told you
That I would always love you.
That nothing could change that.
But now I'm not so sure.
You changed so much
In what at the time
Seemed like forever
Because you were ignoring me.
Now I realise
In the grand scheme of things
It took more like a nanosecond
For you to become
What you now are.
I however
Appear to have evolved
In order to survive the way you changed.
So I don't know if I love you anymore,
It's not that simple.
But what I do know is;
I will never forgive you
For what you
Have forced me
To become.

I hate me,
You hate me,
Everybody hates me.

How could I be so naïve
As to fail to realise
It's you I love
It always has been.

But could my best friend
Ever become my boy friend?
Somehow i think not
It's highly unlikely.

If I told you
That I loved you
Could you ever love me back
Or would our friendship go off track?

Complete;
That's what you make me when we touch.
Never;
That's how often touch me.
Happy;
That's what I'll never be.

You told me you loved me
As much as there were stars in the sky
Then you shattered my heart into twice as many pieces

You always warned me
About the dangers of selfharm
Because you had been there,
Yet now;
You are the one who causes me to pick up the blade.

And when you promised
Oh so many times
That you wouldn't,
Couldn't leave me
I actually began to believe you.
It was the start of my insanity.

We had plans to move South
Start a life together
Start a family together.
The only thing we started together in the end
Was my slow descent to insanity through depression.

How is it possibly
To completely loathe the person
Whom I love more than life itself?
Although I suppose it wouldn't be too difficult,
After all,
I hate my life so much I'd end it in the blink of an eye.

I was addicted to it, in its entirety.
I was addicted to the feel of it in my hand
And to the way it felt on my pale skin,
I was addicted to its scent
And to its welcoming friendliness.
But most of all I was addicted to the undeniable escape it gave me,
An escape like no other,
An escape that couldn't be offered by anything
Or anyone
Else.
An escape that my friends could not provide
That my family didn't understand
And that my enemies loathed the thought of.
Because as I drew it across my pale skin,
I forgot about the mental pain I was going through
And focused
On the physical pain I was forcing upon myself.
I replaced my mental pain
With my physical pain
And it felt good.
Too good.
Slowly but surely
I grew more and more addicted
To its sweet sweet scent
And its blissful feel
And its so called escape.
The only problem is
I don't want to escape from the mental pains anymore
I want to escape from the mental torture
Which forces me to pick up that blade
From time to time when I'm feeling low.
I don't want to force the pain upon myself anymore
But the pleasure
That comes with that pain
Makes it impossible to stop.
It's addictive...
Highly addictive.

You said I was like a sister to you
I knew that was how it would be
Well still I can't stop loving you
Despite the pain it may cause

Now I write you down on this page
Hoping one day maybe you'll see
You are the only for me
And I the only for thee

So hold me close, tightly
Just this one time
That maybe you could warm to it
The idea of you and I

And if you ever could love me
Let me know right away
For im sure the pain it would **** me
Waiting just waiting for you to come by

I don't sleep much
But when I do,
It's per chance of dreaming of you.

For B,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I cannot bare to speak to you.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
But most of all,
I'm sorry you couldn't love me.

And if what you quoted to me was truth,
I miss you too.
And what you thought was correct,
I am trying desperately hard to forget you.
It's just not that easy.

I wonder if you still think of me.
If you still check up on me
As I do you, more often than I'd care to admit.

But darling if you ever read this,
I want you to know
That I did love you.
And despite everything I still do.
I'd give anything to erase these past few months
And go back to how things were
When I could hear your name without wanting to **** myself.

I miss you,
Love,
              L

I stand at the window,
Watching the landscape around me change.
I think of you
And the way your presence has changed the landscape of my life.
With every white flake that falls from the sky
It reminds me of how much I miss you.
And how much I need you.

I long for your touch,
As so many long for the spring time.
The spring time with it's flower buds,
And the new life we cling to for survival.
The new life that brings us the hope of a second chance
To start afresh.

But the winter winds keep me dreaming.
Dreaming of you.
Dreaming of a future.
Dreaming of surviving this hell they call life.
Because I don't want to die.
But I don't want to live without you either.

And now that you've left me
I'm lost for words.
I don't know what to tell people
Or how I should reply when they ask me how you are.
I can't possibly tell them the truth.
Oh how I hate the way you treated me,
But oh how I miss you.

And the winter winds keep me thinking.
Thinking of you.
Thinking of a future.
Thinking of escaping this hell they call life.
Because now I want to die,
But I know can't leave what few friends I have left.

Just lying awake at night
I can't help but think of you.
I wish you hadn't left me,
Although I suppose it was inevitable.
After all who could ever love me?
My biggest mistake
Was ever believing you did.

2 months and 15 days.
That's how long it's been
Since I heard your voice.
I miss it.
I miss its velvety tone.
I miss your accent.
I miss being able to tell you everything

I would do anything,
Anything at all,
Just to go back to how things were.

But the winter winds remind me
That that can't happen.
Even if you could love me again,
I couldn't be with you,
Because my heart can't bare
To be broken yet again.
It's been shattered
One too many times.

So don't come back for me
And don't come back at all.
For I can barely stand to hear your name
Never mind your voice.
Maybe in time I'll move on,
And maybe my heart will heal,
But until then just don't.
Don't even think about
Coming back to me.
My heart cannot take it.