guilt,
i invited him in for coffee and tea
he lives in my house
so i might as well try
to understand the reason why
he's never been a friend to me
but pays the rent on time.

as a child,
i didn't know
i was lonely
but now,
as a woman
sitting in a
quiet room,
i am reminded of
all the monsters
my mind created
to distract me
when i was
all alone

i always found it easier to blame myself
responsible for your feelings
incapable of handling my own
i felt so much wiser when things were unknown
now I stand in the future and now I stand in the future and now I stand in the future
but im still the same age
im still the same
12 with that look on my face
14 with a secret to trace
16 with the weight of the world
18 with so much to conquer
20 with nothing to do
20 with nothing to prove
20 with nothing to lose
maybe the cycle stops when I do
but this time, blame yourself.

Mother hold me tighter,
I feel a bit cold
I wish you’d look at me longer
So you’d see the gold in my deep brown eyes
Stroke my hair and sing me to sleep
So I can be the child that I never got to be
If you held my hand,
Maybe I would feel less lonely
And if you kissed me I would feel less broken
Is it too much to ask for a tender word?
A loving touch?
A knowing nod?
I want advice only a mother would know
Teach me your ways
Share your gifts
Give me things other than clothes
Spend a few hours by my side
Hear my laugh, see me smile
Maybe then I could confide in my mother
My only mother
My dearest mother

I’m too smart to fail
I’m too good to mess up
I’m too pretty to be insecure
I’m too talented to be doubtful
I’m too perfect to be anxious
I’m too loved to hate myself

I wish this was the truth.

Don’t let me doubt.
If you let your doubt out,
I’ll never see the light of sun.
Not above not below
Not ever, not anymore.  
There are sparks in my eyes,
A flame that’s dim
Don’t let it go out
Don’t let it out.
The color of your blue sky interlaced
With the brights of my eyes.
It keeps me alive.
Letting me down,
Letting my doubt run free
Planting seeds to never see them sprout,
It still leaves these weeds inside of me.
See these weeds,
Something you’ve never heard
Words you’ll say again
Green grows out of my mouth
Faster faster
Harboring the in the arbor of my mind
My truth, your lies.
Is it your truth or is it mine?
I’m quiet.
It hurts.
Every breath of life feels worse
The doubt the doubt the doubt
It sprouts and grows
But none of this you’ll ever know.
I’m captured and I can’t be found.
Again I ask,
Don’t let your doubt out.

when I told my therapist that I felt lonely,
she said in response that
she didn’t want to belittle my experience
and I only half-heartedly believed her
when she told me that we all feel lonely,

but darlin’ I know you’re so lonely.

I didn’t see it ever stopping
I wanted to be free
When will nothing hurt anymore?
I grew tired of guessing and failing
This is why I did it
I was tired and burnt out
Even my gut reminded me with a stabbing pain,
Reminded me of everything I would never and could never be
So with this note
I set myself free.

Don’t try to follow,
You’ll learn to live without me.

P.S. Your love was always enough. I had always spiraled so quickly, it was just too hard to catch myself this time.

I think there is beauty in the fine lines
Hands that bend and crack
I never saw it there before
But something old is something new
I’m waiting for my own crown of wisdom
Youth is a treacherous heart
So I pass the many years waiting
For those many gray hairs, waiting
But until then I’ll just watch and listen
And maybe learn along the way

I bleed a bit to find the words
I dig deep,
Uncovering things I’m afraid of seeing.
Maybe I should turn around
But for the sake of expression
And finding beauty in pain,
I will do it over and over and over
Again.

If I hit rewind,
If I just start over,
Would I actually be happy?
Or would I just find another thing to fret about?
Life isn’t about perfection,
But about finding the good in the imperfect.

Why can’t I go to sleep?
When I do it just repeats.
“I don’t care if you don’t like this beat
It’s what I think, it’s me, it’s me,”
She said to herself in her bed.
I’m fighting against myself
The battle turned into a war,
And I’m not afraid, I’m just worried
Worried about being a warrior.  
I fight all day, my soul is tired
But I don’t let myself rest when the time is best or when it expires
The night falls but my heartbeat rises,
Racing thoughts run circles in my head.
My head, my bed.
My brain is inside of my head.
My head is part of me.
Aren’t we all just a brain in a cage?
Tonight the cage is electric,
Nothing soothes the rage or stops the sizzling pain.
I’m numb to the zap of the cold, hard metal.
I want to lay in a field of sage,
Lay me among the wildflowers.
I’ve never seen blue sky or blinding light,
At least not in the night.
The moon shines, but not enough for me!
This perfect creation isn’t bright enough for me!
At least not in the night...
I will lay my head when all this passes
I’ll wander off to sleep
And the next time I come to bed,
It will just repeat.

They say you’re never alone
And the people I love say they’re always there for me.
Then why am I laying here, lonely, cold?
I could talk
I could text
I could ask for help
But, what would I say?
Would I even feel better?
The questions churn around in my head for so long that I become numb to the idea of finding out the answers.
So I’ll just lay here until tomorrow, keep to myself.
I’ll lay here,
Alone.
Alone with my thoughts,
But alone.

this life is a fraud
people lie all the time
they live that way, too
18 was supposed to be
much more than this
at least that’s what
they told me.
yet here I am,
lonely.

If I killed myself tonight,
Would this stabbing pain inside my soul go away?
Would you have regrets?
Would you want to be close to me?
If I died, would you want to be away from me?
Then why do you say these things that make me cry...
You love me, but then why does it hurt
You hurt me
And I’m not going to end it
But I wish something would change

Something has to change.

I wish a had a friend
Someone kind and silly
Innocent yet troublesome
Beautiful, unknowingly so
I wish I had someone to giggle with
To be like a sister
To be a listening ear
Without judgement
Without jealousy
Just a friend.

I find solace in being busy
Once I find the quiet
It’s like Tyler said, it’s violent
I fill my life with noise
To drown out the voice in my head
What ugliness lies between the silence?
Do I want to find out?

I’m spiraling,
Stuck in the void,
Flushed,
At the end of the universe,
Drifting dark,
Still,
Terrified,
Cold,
Guilty,
Alone,
Then a voice snaps me back
To the light...
But I am blind.

I think I’m cool...
Some say I’m golden
But I really feel invisible.
I give,
But it feels more like it’s taken from me.
I need someone to see me,
Really see me.
See me for who I am,
My quirks,
My likes,
My favorite song and the way I dance when no one is looking.
Those closest to me feel “close enough”
So I need someone to cross the line
And become closest to me.
Once I’m warmed by them,
I might feel golden.

i used to leave myself scarred,
torn apart on my bedroom floor
too much inner noise to hear your words
when i reached the limit,
self-sabotage.

positivity is being slow...
in a slew of good and bad,
opposing moments
roll through my brain
and every day
i pick and choose:
analyze
detect
absorb
deflect
and every day
I feel the pain of
better days
that’s haven’t happened
yet

I may be thinking of you, but it might just be the weather
It might be the food, the music, or the talk
No matter what it is,
I see you in my head
I hear your voice
I say your name
There’s so much more we could have. But is it the right choice?
Am I brave enough to try?

I’ve had a lot of time to think lately, like most of us have.
I’ve had time to sit with myself, see myself through others’ eyes.
Am I really pretty?
Yes, look, there in that big, bright smile.
Those cheeks that are finally flourishing, they’re beautiful!
Your eyes, mouth, hair... unique, stunning.
And yes!
The body that brought you years of pain and sorrow because it didn’t fit a unrealistic mold...
It’s soft, shapely, something to look at. Womanly and natural.
This body that I have, it’s mine.
I have grown to accept it after years of self-hatred...
I’ve progessed this far and I won’t stop.
Next time you look in the mirror, look at yourself with kindness.
If not with kindness, then with forgiveness.
If not with forgiveness, then with mercy.
Give yourself a chance...
You are worth much more than you know.

I rummaged around the attic and found emptiness
I pass the hours by filling my head with other people’s voices
Because silence is ice cold
They say it gets better
But here I am, frozen solid ~

Everything is bad
My brain hurts
My thoughts are painful
My brows are tense
My jaw is tight
My heart is fluttering
Everything is me

I want someone to hold my hands
Warm my soul like a flame
I miss your face, skin, warmth
Get me excited for life
Or just get me out of bed
I’m tired of blue light and bright screens
Foggy eyes and groggy thoughts
I want to see the Sun
And your smile
Let me reach out and touch you
Touch
Breathe
Maybe when August comes we’ll be better
We’ll make it there together

I’m so much bigger now.
I’ve grown into a young woman.
You were my brother and it honestly hurt when you left without a trace.
I was just a child.
I felt abandoned.

I saw your profile today...
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to request your friendship, your attention, your acknowledgment of my existence.

But things are different now,
I’ve learned a lot.
And I know you’ve done the same.

What name should I call you by?
I’m unsure.
Are you still the old you?
The person I knew?
Or are you him? The one I never met?

Please know that I still love you.
We’re not friends, but I still love you.

I miss you so much, it’s unbearable.
You are much more than just a friend to me.
I love you.
I’ve wanted to tell you that for a very long time... Years, actually.
Please tell me you love me, too.
I can’t imagine my life without you.
I don’t even want to try, I know it’s impossible.
You’re everything I could possibly want.
You’re the only one I see,
The only one.

I hope you get this letter one day...
Soon.

why,

why does life come in waves?

it’s either the white sea foam,

salty, bubbles, calm

or

the tsunami,

flooding, crashing, drowning.

~

I wait for your reply
I am a puppy dog
Seemingly naive to the time passing by
But the tick-tock rattles to my very teeth
Please undo the collar
Unbuckle my leash
I wag when you enter, cry when you leave
What else could you want from me?
I need attention
I want to run free
Or, you could give me some affection...
Just hit send
And that would put my suffering to an end

You should be on this side of the city,
On this side of town
Instead of away from me...
I want your arms around me
I want to hold your hand
Interlocking fingers
Touching
Hugging
Loving
But you’re in the wrong side of town

it’s 2 am
a world I never get to see
i’d stay up all night for you
i love you